joke_corpus.txt

Insanity is hereditary, - You get it from your children.An honest politician is one who, when bought, stays bought.You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.A closed mouth gathers no foot.What's black and white and red all over?  An embarassed zebra.What's black and white and red all over?  Certainly not the Halifax newspapers.Gravity doesn't exist: the earth sucks.What's the most popular form of birth control?  The headache.He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke.Let him who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it.Help the police - beat yourself up.Avoid the christmas chaos - go to church on sundays.There are two kinds of persons: The one that divide all people in two part, and then the other that don't.Seen in U.S.S.R:  "The last person to leave the country is asked to turn the ligths off."Wanna be realy stoned?  Drink wet cement.Keep death off the roads.  Drive on the pavement.Dead men are simple very cool.Sigarettes are the main reason for statistics.Advertisment from British Airways:  "Breakfast in London, Lunch in New-York and luggage in Berlin"Do you know why surgeons use masks? It is to be not recognised again.Vegetarians eat vegetables;I'm a humanitarian"Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock."A women was in love with fourteen soldiers, it platoonic.Max told his friend he didn't want to go for a hike in the hills.  "I'm an anti-climb Max."A new wagon designed for LA rush hour traffic is called the Stationary wagon.An Uncle died, left several hundred clocks to a niece, she's busy winding up the estate.Two cheerleaders ended up married, they met by chants. Two cans of paint got married, later the bride whispered, "Darling, I think I'm pigment."Two boy silkworms pursued a luscious girl silkworm. They ended up in a tie.A doctor told the boy, "This injection won't hurt a bit."  That's an MD promise.Advice to ice skaters: You can't always tell a brook by its cover.A guru hops around often, he's known as the Kan Guru.A hermit was arrested after driving a hundred miles an hour, the charge was recluse driving.What do they call a man who builds twenty boats a month? Sir Launchalot.WHY DO MORONS ONLY GO TO MOVIES IN GROUPS OF 17 OR MORE? BECAUSE THE SIGN OUTSIDE STATES " UNDER SEVENTEEN NOT ADMITED! "Did you hear about the Scottish Kamikaze pilot? He crashed his plane in his brother's junkyard.What do 32 Iraqi women in one place have? A full set of teeth!HOW DO YOU CLEAR OUT AND IRAQI BINGO HALL? CALL OUT "B-52".DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE NEW BAGHDAD ROCK GROUP? NO KIDS ON THE BLOCK.Did you hear the one about the lion who ate the lawyer? Had to lick his butt afterwards to get rid of the taste!Did you hear which major department store is considering opening a couple of stores in Iraq? TARGET!DID YOU HEAR FRANCE HAS A NEW NATIONAL FLAG? It is white with a white stripe and a white star!What's the difference between a Canadian Hockey player and an Iraqi woman? The Hockey player takes a shower after three periods.What do a vaccuum cleaner and an Iraqi Tank have in common? They both suck.What do you call an Iraqi with a sheep under one arm and a goat underthe other? Bisexual.What do you call an Iraqi with a sheep under each arm? A pimp.What do you call an Iraqi who has sex with donkeys? Normal.What did the aspiring Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?  "Make me one with everything."Who is the smallest man mentioned in the New Testament? Peter. (He slept on his watch)When is the first time motorcycles are mentioned in the bible? When David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.Neutrinos have bad breadth.Biology grows on you.What does a Polack use a "rubber" for?  Seal-a-meal- What do you get when you cross a Polack and a Mongoloid with one leg? A Polaroid 1 Step- What is better than 4 roses on a piano? Two lips on an organ- What do you call a truck load of vibrators? Toys for twats- What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle?  Beef Strokenoff- Why does an elephant have 4 feet?  Because 8 inches isn't enough- What do you call 2 gay guys named Bob?  Oral Roberts- What can you use used tampons for?  Tea bags for vampires- How can you tell a Polish woman is on her period?  She's only wearing 1 sockWhat do you get when you cross a Mexican with an octopus? I don't know, but it can sure pick lettuce- What do soy beans and dildos have in common?Both are meat subsitutes- What's the difference between chicken and meat?  If you beat your chicken it  would die- How can you tell a Head nurse?  The one with dirty knees- What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an Oriental?  A car thief who can't driveWhat's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?  Getting fingered by Captain Hook- Why did the Italian staple his nuts together?  Since he couldn't lick them, he felt he should join themWhat's invisible and smells like carrots?  Bunny fartsWhy can't little black kids play in sandboxes?  Cats keep trying to cover them upWhat do elephants use for a tampon?  SheepWhy don't Mexicans barbeque?  Because the beans slip through the grillWhat do you call a one-legged woman? Ilene.Why did the Aggie spend all night in front of the house of ill repute? He was waiting for the red light to turn green.The only computers I trust with my women are Unix.Why were Helen Keller's fingers purple?She heard it through the grapevine.What is the difference between ooooh and aaaah?About three inches.What is the difference between a dog and a fox?About three drinks.What do you do with an elephant that has three balls? Walk him and pitch to the giraffe.What are the three most difficult years for an Aggie? Second grade.Did you hear about the Aggie car pool? They all meet at work.Why were the Aggies pushing their house down the street? They were trying to jump-start the furnace.Did you hear the Aggies bought a thousand septic tanks?As soon as they learn to drive them, they'll invade Mexico.What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip.Did you hear about the Republican Fried Chicken fast food restaurant? All they serve are right wings and a**holes.What is the difference between a rooster and a lawyer? The rooster clucks defiance.What do you get when you cross a a rooster and a hoot owl? A cock that stays up all night.Why did they kick the leper out of the restaurant? They had to keep changing the finger bowls.What is the difference between a tribe of sly aborigines and a female track team? The first is a pack of cunning runts.Why are there more Democrats than Republicans? Who wants a piece of elephant!What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold on to your nuts---this is no ordinary blow job.Did you hear about the prostitute that died and went to heaven? She traded her harp for an upright organ.Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs? He doesn't want the world to know he's been making out with chickens.What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole? A 40-foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.Why don't midgets use tampons? They trip over the strings.Did you hear about the elephant with diarrhea? It's all over town.What do you call a leper in a hot tub? Soup.Did you know production costs in the dairy business are high? A lot of expenses are in curd.Watch out for lamp manufacturers. There are a lot of shady characters.Did you hear about the guy who went bankrupt in the laundry business? He says he's all washed up.What do you call a cow with only three legs? Lean beef.What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.What did the elephant say to the naked man? "Can you breathe through that?"Lawyers sometimes tell the truth. They'll do anything to win a case.What do you call a row of rabbits that takes a step backwards? A receding hare-line.What do you get when you pour scalding water down a rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies.What do you have when rabbits climb out of their hole? A hare-raising sight.What did the topless dancer say when chastised about her profession? "It's better than being flat busted!"When I fly on a jet, my ears pop a lot; it's an earry feeling.Some parents believe that spanking a child is an important part of rearing a child.Twins might best be described as womb-mates.Did you hear the elephants at the circus are going on strike? They're tired of working for peanuts.Did you hear about the fight in the lion house at the zoo? A lion called another a cheetah.  Personally, I think he was lion.How do you keep an elephant from charging? Take away his credit card.Did you hear about the animal hotel that has exclusive accommodations for squirrels? It's called The Nutcracker Suite.What is the most vulnerable animal in the world? The frog.  When you touch it, it croaks. Put another way, one touch and it's toadalled.Did you hear they are looking for someone to be in charge of potato snacks in the monastery? The job description will be:  Chipmonk.Did you hear about the House-Senate conference committe considering legislation to decriminalize the use of marijuana? It's called the Joint Session of Congress.What is the opposite of progress? Congress.How can Congress trim the fat from Federal spending? By switching to lo-cal government.The state of Missouri has vigorously tried to get some of the other states bordering on the Mississippi River to join in an urgently needed flood control project. This is because Missouri loves company.The 200th anniversary of the founding of the buffalo sanctuaries will be marked by a Bisontennial celebration.The Hawaiian Islands have many craters that were formed by volcanoes. You might say that the islands are full of ash holes.Several years ago I came up with the idea of writing a play about the movement to eliminate pay toilets. I've been sitting on the idea for a number of years, but I feel I can stall no longer.Why did God give women vaginas? Because sheep can't cook.Why do mice have tiny balls? Very few know how to dance.What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a mink. A fur coat with pockets.Why is money green? Because Jews pick it before it is ripe.What is long, hard, round and full of seamen? A submarine.How do you keep a turkey in suspense? I'll tell you tomorrow.What is the difference between love and Herpes? Herpes is forever.Where do prostitutes go for recycling? The Virgin Islands.What's grey and comes by the gallon? Elephants.What is the difference between an Aggie and a pizza? The pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?None.  They'd rather sit in the dark and suffer.What do you call a gay Jew? A Heblew.How do we know Christ wasn't born in Italy? There are no virgins and they couldn't find three wise men.Did you hear about the Aggies that were arrested in the Iranian zoo? They were trying to free the hostriches.Did you hear about the two blind gay guys? You've got to hand it to them.Why are all Jewish men circumcized? Because Jewish women go crazy over anything 20% off.How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?None.  They screw in hot tubs.Why don't Baptists screw standing up? They're afraid people might think they're dancing.What's the difference between erotic and kinky? Erotic, you use a feather.  Kinky, you use the whole chicken.To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.There's no future in time travel.Entropy isn't what it used to be.Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over."Criminal Lawyer"  is  redundant.To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam. I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.I have a rock garden.  Last week, three of them died.He who laughs last is generally a bit slow.Rings of Saturn are made entirely of lost airline luggage.Disney World - a people trap operated by a mouse.Hi, I'm a tagline. When I grow up I'm gonna be a novel!Please reply if you don't get this message.Circular definition: see definition, circular.All generalizations are false.I'm not as think as you drunk I am.Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.Rehab is for quitters.I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.I took an IQ test and the results were negative.Where there's a will, I want to be in it.Few women admit their age;  Fewer men act it.I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.What's black and white and red all over?  Certainly not the Halifax newspapers.What's the most popular form of birth control?  The headache.A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.Give me ambiguity or give me something else.i souport publik edekashun.Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...How do you make a hormone? Don't pay her. What lies at the bottom of the sea and whimpers? A nervous wreck.What are the four words you don't want to hear while making love? "Honey, I'm home!"Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit.Drive defensively - buy a tank.What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have? Baby Dinosaurs. Where does a Tyrannosaurus sit when he comes to stay? Anywhere he wants to.
What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Can you name 10 dinosaurs in 10 seconds? Yes, 8 iguanadons and 2 stegasaurus.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot? Sir.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, 12 claws on each foot and a personal stereo over his ears? Anything you like, he won't hear you!
What do you get if you cross a mouse with a triceratops? Enormous holes in the skirting board.
How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you? By the `D' on his pajamas. How do you know if there is a brachiosaurus in bed with you? By the dinosnores.A cucumber and a tomato meet in a saladbar. Cucumber: Gee, how come you look so red? Tomato: I saw the salad dressing.A bird in hand is safer than one overhead.A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.The brain is a wonderful organ:  it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.You'd be paranoid too if everybody hated you.Cole's Law:  Thinly sliced cabbage.I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.Duct tape is like the Force.  It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.It has been said that we only use 15% of our brain. I wonder what we do with the other 75%?How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?I've got it!  I've got it!  Now, for the cure...A juggler is just a schizophrenic playing catch.Polaroids: what polar bears get from sitting on the ice.D.A.M.N. - Naked Mothers Against DyslexiaThere IS intelligent life in the universe.  It ignores us.Amish safe sex: painting an "X" on the cows that kick.How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.Vitamin C deficiency is apauling.Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.Wanna hear a joke? Sleep. I know, I don't get it eitherDo you smoke pot because weed be cute togetherI just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her it was over. I'm Ruthless.Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go round the earth for 24 hours. So they decided to call it a day.Is your name ariel, because I think we mermaid for each other.Math jokes aren't funny. Nothing about math is funny. Math is a sin.Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.How did I escape Iraq? IranWhenever I want to start eating healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.I just wrote a really awesome song about a fajita. Well it's more of a wrap really.I wonder if earth makes fun of other planets for having no life.I met a girl with 12 nipples today. Sounds fun, Dozen tit?How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I'm serious that Israeli how he does it.You'd think that atoms bonding with other atoms would mean they're being friendly, but really they steal each other's electrons. How ionic.You're telling me I need to study? No thanks, I'll pass.My waitress threw sodium chloride at me. She was arrested and charged with a salt.Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he's a fungi! Why didn't he get in? There wasn't mushroom!Where do astronauts go out for a drink? To the spacebar.What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder? "You may have graduated but I've got hundreds of degrees"If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.I didn't like my beard at first but then it grew on me.You're living, you occupy space and have mass. What does that mean? You matter.How does Nasa organize a party? They planet.I'd say fuck the wheather, but its definitely under 18...I used to have a job crushing cans. It was soda pressing.I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.What do you call a wizard who's running late for the Hogwarts Express? Hurry Potter.I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.When I drink alcohol, everyone says im an alcoholic. When I drink fanta, no one says I'm fantastic.What did Barack Obama say to Michelle when he proposed? "I don't wanna be Obama self"Did Snoop Dogg really change his name, or is Snoop Lion?I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium are going out. I was like OMg.A book fell on my head... I can't blame myshelf.I wish I had a pair of skinny genes.Mathematics teachers call retirement 'the aftermath.'A chemistry lab is like a big party. Some drop the acid while others drop the base.How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing, because it was on the house!What do you call a fake macaroni? An impasta.I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh. Sadly, no pun in 10 did.The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking.What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic? Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dogWhat do you call bears with no ears? BWhen u tryna be cheesy but everyone around u is laughtose intolerant.Where would Voldemort go if he played the trumpet? Jazzkaban.What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.How do trains eat? They chew-chew.What do you call a labrador that becomes a magician? A Labracadabrador.My friend asked me to stop singing oasis songs in public. I said maybe.I used to hate math, but now I realised decimals have a point.I think my friend was built backwards. His nose runs and his feet smell.How much room is needed to grow funghi? As Muchroom as possible.Keep the planet clean, it's not uranus. If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.Why was the Thanksgiving soup so expensive? It had 24 carrots.What kind of music did the Pilgrims like? Plymouth RockThe rotation of Earth always makes my day.(p + l)(a + n)=pa+pn+la+ln. We just foiled your plan.Chemistry jokes are Sodium funny.I made a shirt out of thumb tacks because I wanted to look sharp, but everyone said it was tacky.Sorry I'm poor, I can't afford to pay attention.What did the biologist wear on his first date? Designer genes.Are you flourine iodine and neon? Cause you are FINe.Some guy just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!Why do ghosts love elevators? Cause they lift their spirits.A Physicist and a Biologist had a relationship, but there was no Chemistry.Do you know why Frequency cannot love any more? Cause it still hertz.What building isn't trustworthy? The lie-brary.What did the scientist say when he found two helium atoms? HeHeHow many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. (Hint:  They are small enough to fit inside).How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb?Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!How many WASP's does it take to screw in a light bulb? Silly, WASP's don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.How many Jewish American Princesses does it take to change a light bulb? Two.  One to pour the Tab, and one to phone Daddy.How many Marxist's does it take to change a light bulb? None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb? 1,000,001. One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilizationto the point where they need light bulbs again.How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None of your damn business!How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? Three, but they're really only one.How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb? That's not funny!!!How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.How many valley girls does it take to change a light bulb? Manual labor? Gag me with a spoon!How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Both of them.How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb and one not to change it.How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Billions and billions.How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to change it and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to charge the bill.How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? None, the bulb will change itself when its ready.What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb.How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of their subordinates to actually change it.How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb? None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.How many graduate students does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it takes nine years.How many professors does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but they get three tech reports out of it.How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness.Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go round the earth for 24 hours.So they decided to call it a day.
Butterflies are not what they used to be.
Don't join dangerous cults. Always practice safe sects!
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
I'm making a fruit salad and the recipe says Pineapples - Five cubed. Where on Earth am I going to get 125 pineapples?
We'll never run out of maths teachers.. because they keep multiplying.
Things are always easier said than done..Except for talking, that's pretty much the same really.
I've just been house hunting. One place had mirrors covering the walls of every room. I thought.. 'I can see myself living here'
What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook? Wet feet.
How is it possible to have a 'civil' war?
I received an email asking me to send trouser zips to the address provided.But I ignored it, sounds like they're fly phishing to me.
What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!
I was so cold today that my jaw started to freeze..So I gritted my teeth.
I bought an off-road vehicle in a blind auction..Got it delivered and It was a canoe.
What's green and goes "Riggit Riggit" ?A frog with badly fitting false teeth.
What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.
My news years resolution is to save up and buy a velcro wall..and I plan on sticking to it!
If you were born in September, its pretty safe to assume your parents started out the New Year with a Bang!
My news years resolution this year is to give up sexual innuendos.But it's so hard..
After hours of thinking I've finally decided on my new years resolution: 1920 x 1080
I had a fight with a snowman last night. He didn't last long....things got a bit heated.
I just pulled a Christmas cracker,erm.. There's a joke in there somewhere.
I got my wife the leg off a mannequin for Christmas. It's not her main present..just a stocking filler
What is Santa's favourite pizza?One that's deep pan, crisp and even.
What do you call a snowman with a suntan? A puddle.
Our kids always find their Christmas presents early, no matter where we hide them.So this year we've locked them in the attic..
I've been seeing someone behind my girlfriend's back..I think she's got a stalker.
I remember when my parents died, all they left me was a globe.. It meant the world to me.
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
Did you hear about the dumb woodworm?He was found dead inside a house brick.
My wife's head just spun around and then she vomited green slimeI've no idea what's possessed her.
A skeleton goes into a bar and orders a pint of beer and a mop..
Did you hear about the cobbler who made a satanic pact?He sold his sole to the devil.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?Because he had no body to go with.
A ghost walks into a bar and orders a shot of vodka. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve spirits here."
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
If a plane is an aircraft, does that make a broom a witchcraft?
Why did Dracula go to the doctors?Because of his coffin.
You feel stuck with your debt..If you can't budge it.
I was gonna nail a shelf to my wall, but then I thought Screw it!
What do you call a man who can't stop stealing? Nick.
I accidentally left an apple outside my local GP's surgery.Now he won't be able to get in.
I've just been given a pack of playing cards covered in strawberry jam..I'm finding them very had to deal with.
Sometimes I laugh so much that a bit of wee comes out. It's really starting to worry me..Why is wee coming out of my mouth?
I bloody hate flash mobs.One once kicked my door down and forced me to update my Adobe.
I took the rear view mirror out of my car, and since then..I've never looked back
My local butcher is seven foot tall and a size fourteen shoe.. what does he weigh? Sausages.
What do you call a man with a rabbit in his mouth?Warren.
My younger brother was named after my fatherA bit confusing when your brother is named 'Dad' though.
What do you call a man with a map on his head? Miles.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance? Nina.
Why did the football manager give his team lighters? Cos they kept losing all of their matches.
One Bear.(That's the bear minimum)
My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.He's the Spokesman.
I just got a Scottish sheep dog from the pound, but sadly my wife can't see it..She's collie blind.
What do you call a woman who stands straddling a river? Bridgette.
What's a twack? Something a twain wuns on.
I distorted a Tortoise earlier..Now it's just an Oise.
I keep having a recurring nightmare where I'm surrounded by loads of pregnant women in labour.I think I may be having a midwife crisis..
What's the definition of a snail?A slug with a crash helmet.
31 years ago today the doctor delivered me.I can't believe I've survived so long without a liver.
I work for the NHS dealing with moving patients between different areas of the hospital..It's a re-warding job.
I've just been outside helping a guy in a black robe with a scythe clear the frost off his car. I was de-icing with death.
My grandfather puts horse manure on his rhubarb..I prefer it with custard.
My pet mouse 'Elvis' died last last..He was caught in a trap..
I just saw on the news'Missing girl found safe'What I wanna know is..Could she crack it?
What do you call a man who comes in through the letter box?Bill.
What's small, brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?A coconut in disguise.
Did you hear about those new corduroy pillowcases? They're making headlines..
My dog is named Minton. Today he ate a shuttlecock.. Bad Minton!
To be frank..would involve changing my name.
How do you make a squirrel cry? Pinch it's nuts.
2B or not 2B. That is the pencil.
What do you call a run down Italian neighbourhood?The Spaghetto.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on some chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit.
The rotation of the planet Earth really makes my day!
What kind of moron invented the fire blanket? Surely fire is warm enough already?..
I thought opening the door for a lady was the polite thing to do..but she just screamed and flew out of the plane..
I had a go at parachuting today.I went to the local airfield and said, "Stupid parachute morons jumping out of bloody planes"
I bought a battery powered clock  today.When I got home, I noticed that they had given me the wrong one.I thought "This is a wind up!"
Why was the robot mad? Because people kept pushing its buttons.
I just got back from a very emotional wedding.. Even the cake was in tiers.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I was arguing with my girlfriend in Nando's when my best mate ran off with the garlic bread and coleslaw. I wish he would stop taking sides.
Why are there fish at the bottom of the sea? Cos they dropped out of school.
How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?
Why can't a bicycle stand on it's own? Cos it's two tired.
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of trousers? In case he got a hole in one!
A policeman asked me to come down to the station for an interview...I haven't even applied for a job there!
My mate just came fourth in a Body-Snatching contest. I told him "It's not the winning, it's the taking parts that counts"
What's the best way to catch a rabbit?Hide in the bushes and make lettuce noises.
A mysterious hole has been found in the local nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess says: "Sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion per passenger."
Why did the banana go to the hospital? Because he wasn't peeling well.
Some people have a way with words, Others not have way.
The universe implodes... No matter.
The invention of the shovel was ground-breaking.
Why did the orange stop? Because it ran out of juice.
I just found out that 'Aarrgghh' is not a real word.I can't even tell you how angry I am!
What's yellow and square?A tomato in disguise.
My mate walked into Carphone Warehouse, held the manager at gunpoint and made her top up his mobile phone for free.Full credit to him!
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?A roamin' Catholic.
How do you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?You will see one later and one in a while.
"Vodka! Whiskey! Tequila!" I call the shots!
I got kicked out of my local music shop after asking about a Coldplay song. I was clearly looking for Trouble.
If a pig loses its voice, does it become disgruntled?
I was trying to explain the concept of Twitter to my friend. But she finally said "I don't follow you"
Where are average things built?In the satisfactory.
A huge section of tree just broke off and demolished a bank in town. I've no idea which branch it was though..
Where do boats go when they are sick? The dock.
Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went around biting people? It was a vicious cycle.
After a bad day I came home to find that somebody has ripped the front & back pages from my dictionary.It just goes from bad to worse.
How come there is no other name for thesaurus?
What do you say if you're talking to God... and he sneezes?
To whoever invented the zero..Thanks for nothing.
Me and my limbo team go way back.
Apparently our local Police station has had it's toilet stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
I've taken up speed reading. I can read 'War and Peace' in 20 seconds. It's only 3 words but it's a start.
I was going to do a joke about a germ, But I wouldn't want to spread it around.
Why does a hummingbird hum? Because it doesn't know the words.
I had a threesome with a scalene and an isosceles.It was a love triangle.
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to hospital. His Mother phoned to ask how he was and the nurse said, 'There's no change yet'
Why didn't Noah just swat those two mosquitoes?
What happens if you go on a survival course..and you don't pass?
I don't want to sound big headed but I wear a size XXL hat.
Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an s in it?
I was going to do a joke about construction.. but I'm still working on it.
What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs? A cloud.
I got my child to sleep last night by just repeatedly saying 'bursary'.It was the only nursery rhyme I could think of.
My Doctor gave me something to treat my haemorrhoids. But personally, I'm not so sure they deserve a treat.
I was gonna tell a joke about a roof, but it would probably go over peoples heads.
Whoever put the letter 'b' in the word 'subtle' deserves a pat on the back.
I ordered a hotel wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, "What the hell are you doing with your life?"
When I found out that my masseuse is also a prostitute, I was relieved.
I start my new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
A duck was about to cross the road, when a chicken came running & said "No don't do it! You'll never hear the bloody end of it"
Gambling has brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house.
I never make mistakes, I thought I did once.. but I was wrong.
Never iron a four leaf clover. You don't want to press your luck.
What did the rug say to the floor?Don't move, I've got you covered.
My dog chased a kid on a bike, So we took away his bike.But he kept barking.So we gave it back.Because his bark is worse than his bike.
There's now a record number of male hairdressers in this country. More evidence of our society's descent into barberism.
I had some time to kill..So I started with the mother in law.
I was gonna do a joke about unemployment.. but it needs some work.
My family think I spend too much time doing dot-to-dot puzzles, but it's okay..I know where to draw the line.
I had to quit my job at the shoe recycling factory. It was sole destroying.
My ex-wife hated my obsession with horoscopes. It taurus apart.
Last night I punched my mates lights out..and got electrocuted.
My grandfather died recently, He spent his final years as a regular user of facebook..We won't see the likes of him again.
I bought an answering machine today but I think it's broken.I've asked it loads of questions but nothing's happening.
I've made loads of money selling my version of Polo that don't have a hole in the middle.I've made an absolute mint.
A boat builder is showing his son one of his forests. He turns to him and says, "Son, one day all this will be oars"
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I've just been spending some time at my wifes grave..She still thinks I'm digging a garden pond.
I just saw a sign in a shop'Mosquito nets �10'. It turns out he won it on a scratchcard.
My wife and I are having a competition to see who can steal the most dog related stuff from our local petshop..I've just taken the lead.
I used to be a wrestler, I would get a guy in a head lock and write my name on their forehead..It was my signature move.
This annoying guy on the bus wouldn't stop asking questions about how the journey would end. So I told him where to get off.
I've just saved a ton of cash on the latest iPhone. I didn't buy one.
My wife just said I was ignorant..Nonsense! Why? I don't even know the meaning of the word!
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her it was over. I'm Ruthless.
I tried sniffing coke once..and got an ice cube stuck up my nose.
I just ate some mustard and had the strangest feeling that I had eaten it before. Dijon vu..
There was an earthquake near the Galaxy chocolate factory this morning..It sent ripples through the whole building.
There are two things that always make me jump..My legs.
I used to live in a normal house.. but then steps were taken to make it into a bungalow.
I just bought a TV remote control with three buttons. I was surprised they let me pay with buttons.
6:30 is the best time on a face clock..Hands down!
I just love helium..I can't speak highly enough about it!
My mate keeps boasting that he owns a 3 foot pack of cards. Big deal.
I just spent half hour grilling some chicken..but it still wouldn't tell me why it crossed the road!
I hate it when people mix their metaphors, I mean come on people! It's not rocket surgery!
Two cows in a field, one says"What do you think of mad cow disease?"The other cow replies "Won't affect me, I'm a helicopter!"
Sticks and stones may break my bones..I should probably drink more milk.
I'd love to be a juggler. But I haven't got the balls.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I've trained my dog to bring me a glass of red wine. It's a Bordeaux collie.
If corn oil is made from corn.. and vegetable oil is made from vegetables.. what is baby oil made from?
My wife is such a looker..She's brilliant at hide and seek!
The woman next door keeps flashing me from her upstairs bedroom window.I've no idea how she got the car up there though.
I don't believe in spanking my children. I find that waving a gun around works just as well..
Drilling for oil is boring.
I can see five years into the future. I have 2020 vision.
Why don't owls go on dates when it's raining? Because it's too wet to woo.
My wife said that I only ever want sex with her when I'm drunk.That's not true!.. I usually want a kebab as well.
I used to be a bodybuilder..or 'The Dr Frankenstein Grave Robber' as the press preferred to call me.
Why do people always say that nothing rhymes with orange? When it doesn't!
I really need to finish my essay on the wind..At the moment it's little more than a draft.
I just bought my wife a length of rope with a bucket on the end. I'm sure it'll go down well.
Ever since I started trying to relive my youth at childrens playgrounds..My social life has been on the slide.
As I sat watching my dad draw his final breath I realised..We make a crap pictionary team.
ApproverypriateSorry - that was very in appropriate.
Standing in the paint aisle at the DIY centre always brings a tear to my eye. I can't help but get emulsional.
I've been asked out by a number of hot women in my time. 0 is a number, right?..
I didn't like my beard at first, but it grew on me.
Some annoying guy in the pub was shouting that he couldn't understand how to get outside. Needless to say, they showed him the door!
The local kids are all scared of the custard and jelly covered house at the end of our street. I've no idea why, it's obviously desserted.
Relationships are a lot like algebra.Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive and procrastinate all at once.
I have ten arms, eight legs and 22 feet. what am I? A liar.
Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress? They got married in the spring.
I buy a different brand of cling flim each time I go shopping.Just to keep things fresh.
What are the advantages of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
Not bragging but guess who got a record deal today?..3 cds for �1.. Bargain!
Always remember that you are unique..Just like everyone else.
I just saw a great documentary about how ships are kept together. It was riveting!
I just gave my girlfriend a ring and proposed....that we break up. Then I put the phone down on her.
Time flies when you're throwing watches.
A duck goes into a shop & asks for a tube of ChapStick. The Cashier says "That'll be �1.50 please.The Duck says "Just put it on my bill"
I haven't slept for three days, Because that would be too long.
Why do all these people with laser hair want to get it removed?
When my mate gave me a leaflet about anger management..I lost it.
Frozen sculptures are okay..Icy pose.
I didn't do too well in the pub quiz the other night..I know nothing about pubs.
Keep the dream alive.. Hit the snooze button.
I just got hit by a rental car. It Hertz.
My grandfathers funeral has cost us over �14,000 so far..I knew it was a bad idea to bury him in a rented suit.
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement? He's finding it hard to deal with.
What's the definition of a microwave? A flea saying goodbye.
I slept right through the alarm this morning. Good thing it was only a small fire.
Me: "Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!" Dr: "Sit down and I'll deal with you later"
I just got back from my mates funeral, He was killed by a tennis ball. It was a cracking service.
How do you stop a dog from barking in the back seat of a car? Put it in the front seat.
What is the same size and shape as an elephant yet weighs nothing? An elephants shadow.
What do you call a woodpecker with no beak? A headbanger.
Did you hear about the burger van that crashed into the casino? There were chips everywhere.
In a fight, I can beat anybody with one hand.. The guys with two hands are always more difficult though.
I hated my job as an origami teacher..Too much paperwork.
A number 12 walks into a bar, The barman says "Sorry but we can't serve you, you're clearly under 18"
Why can't a leopard play hide and seek? Because he's always spotted.
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? Cos they all have phones.
When we were kids, we couldn't afford toys, holidays or even school uniforms..So our parents paid for them.
I asked my gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits.He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
Which month has 28 days in it? All of them.
Why are four legged animals bad dancers? Cos they have two left feet.
Today is an incredible day for mankind.. for today I will rewrite history. history.
Why couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck.
My new job as a taxidermist is pretty boring.. All I do is sit around and stuff.
People always say that tattoos are a great way of preserving precious memories. In case you forget that anchor.. or your Mothers name.
What do Rhinoceroses have that no other animal on earth has? Baby Rhinoceroses.
Why can't the human ear detect a dog's whistle? Because dogs can't whistle.
I asked God for a bike, but then I realised God doesn't work that way..So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
I don't mean to be pedantic, but does anyone actually have the 'Ghostbusters' number?
Why was the computer tired when it got home from work?Cos it had a hard drive.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?A carrot.
Why did the tomato blush?Because it saw the salad dressing!
My indoor clothes dryer broke this morning..It was the end of an airer.
I don't know why anyone would ever want a pocket calculator.. It's really easy to count how many pockets I've got.
My new girlfriends definitely a keeper.. She stinks of elephant dung!
I struggled to lift a bottle of water earlier.. It was an Evian.
My girlfriend just told me she's really randy.. Devastated to find out she's actually a bloke.
I once encountered a bear in the woods and accidentally played Dad instead of dead. Now it can ride a bike without stabilisers.
I arranged to meet someone last night for some No Strings Attached fun.. I was bitterly disappointed when Pinocchio turned up.
A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double-entendre. So he gives her one.
What do you call the kid who finally stands up to the bullies? An ambulance.
My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension..She said she just couldn't take it any longer.
Mary had a little lamb, and then she had dessert.
What's big, green and has a trunk? An unripe elephant.
I just got a car for my wife. Great swap!
People keep telling me I've got a good head on my shoulders..I wish they'd stop pointing out that I haven't got a neck.
I read in the paper that you can support a child in Africa for just �20 a year. So I sent my kids there.
My father died of exhaustion after winning the Tour de France,I told him not to do a lap of honour...
What's round and bad-tempered? A vicious circle.
Thieves have broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels & deodorant. The dirty bastards!
I keep imagining I'm holding an invisible pack of cards,No one knows what I'm dealing with.
There are countless films without dracula in them..
I had to shut down my lesbian poultry dating agency. I was struggling to make hens meet.
I've no idea why my dog always goes mad whenever someone comes to the front door..It's hardly ever for him.
How do birds see what's behind them?By looking in their wing mirrors.
"Doctor Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a cat." "Oh really, how long have you felt like this?""Ever since I was a kitten."
My mate just showed me his amazing new wind turbine..I was blown away!
Never get behind the Devil in a Post Office queue..For the Devil has many forms.
I told my wife she'd look better with her hair back. She was furious!I guess it was wrong to say that to a woman who's gone bald.
I just love the F5 key on my keyboard. It's so refreshing.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke has gotten him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
I just hit 180 going down the M6 and people told me car darts was a bad idea..
'Age is just a number'. Nonsense! It's quite clearly a word!
My best mate died after taking an 'E'. The security at the Countdown TV studio don't mess about!
My father didn't love me as a child. Not surpirising really, I wasn't born until he was an adult.
Did you hear about the pancake that went on a killing spree? He just flipped.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving probably isn't for you.
Our old sofa felt terrible.. but now it's fully recovered.
I bought a new thesaurus today. It's okay I suppose, nothing to write house about.
Here's a bit of advice for you. Advi.
I have the attention of a goldfish. It's been staring at me for a few minutes now.
I was hanging with a group of friends this morning when I realised.. I probably shouldn't have joined a suicide cult.
My doctor told me to drink a glass of wine after a hot bath..but I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath!
My wife caught me in bed with an optical illusion.I told her it's not what it looks like.
I went to a record shop and I asked 'What have you got by The Doors?' He said: 'A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!'
My wife just served me dinner, she made a terrible mess. I told her she'd be better off using a tennis ball.
I just drove my car to a 4x4 specialist..It turns out the answer is 16.
What do you get if you cross a motorway with a wheelbarrow? Run over.
I waited for my wife to leave then went upstairs & slipped on a pair of her knickers. I wish she wouldn't leave them lying around like that.
I've just finished filling my tank with petrol.. Now all my goldfish are dead.
So sick of my best mate laughing at my virginity.. After joking about it for the 100th time..I finally lost it with him!
My mate has a butler with a missing left arm, serves him right.
I think my local dry cleaners can repair my trousers, or at least sew it's seams.
My girlfriend cried the day I proposed to her on an escalator. It was moving.
My girlfriend kept going on about how much she loves drunken holiday sex.. Worst postcard ever!
Why can't hedgehogs just share the hedge?
I have a �50 note but it's made of metal..I think it may be forged.
Why don't Arctic foxes eat penguins? Cos they can't get the wrappers off.
My friend had amnesia and couldn't remember how to walk up the stairs, So I had to go back and teach him step by step.
My wife accused me of having an affair with a girl from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. How could she say that?
My mate told me that his wife could do with losing a few pounds. So I mugged her.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore..Surely that's the worst possible place to try and sell shells..
I used to be a tap dancer, but I kept falling in the sink.
I've been revising for a practical exam on pest control. I was up all night swatting.
My grandfather was a baker for the army. When he went to war, he went in all buns glazing.
I couldn't decide wether or not to sell my bed. So I slept on it.
Man: Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm a wigwam and a tepee. Doctor: Calm down, you're two tents.
I've fallen in love. Were the last words I heard from my wife as she went overboard.
How do you make a Venetian blind? Poke him in the eye.
I love my alarm clock. It's the reason I get up in the morning.
I cannot help being lazy. It walks in the family.
I was gonna throw all of my socks in the bin, but I got cold feet.
A man walks into a bar wearing a tie fastener. The barman says, "Sorry, we don't like your tie-pin here."
Why was the mortgage sad? Because it was a loan.
My dad just came first in a drag race. I had no idea a man could run so fast in a cocktail dress and high heels!
What do you call a penguin in the desert? Lost.
Weighing an elephant is just like weighing a human..But on a much bigger scale.
I've decided to marry a pencil,I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
I rang the council to ask if I could have a skip outside my house. They said "You can cartwheel down the street for all we care"
I'd like to go to Holland one day. Wooden shoe?
At school we discussed the great rulers. I opted for the Helix 30cm shatterproof.
My grandfather was ill so the Doctor told us to try covering him with lard..He went downhill pretty quickly after that.
How do you make a sausage roll? Push it down a hill.
My mate dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water...I think he meant well.
My wife reckoned she could sing more football terrace songs than me.  But I beat her easily. She had no chants.
How did the prawn meet his girlfriend? On the net.
If I make you breakfast in bed, A simple 'Thank you' is all I need. Not all this 'Who are you & what are you doing in my house?' Nonsense.
Police are looking for a mugger who threatens his victims with a lit match. They need to catch him before he strikes again.
My best mate was a hairdresser. He passed away recently, but at least he died doing what he loved..Dying.
I've just bought a border collie.The one I already had wasn't bored enough.
This guy just had a go at me for scratching his CD, so I ripped him a new one!
Some guy just came to the door saying he was collecting for the local childrens home, so I gave him my kids.
I've just seen the new Batman trailer. I prefer the Batmobile.
My wife has no hands. I feel for her.
How do you make a hot dog stand? Steal its chair.
I've decided to stop wearing glasses. Cos it makes me look harder.
When I'm in America I drive on the right side of the road, which is of course the left.
I'm against public protests, but I don't know how to show it.
Wanna hear a knock-knock joke? Okay, Two guys walk into a bar..
The word 'Gnba' really makes me angry. It's bang out of order!
My last wish with the genie was either for a brilliant memory or a huge penis. I forgot which one I chose.
When I found out that my toaster wasn't waterproof. I was shocked!
I used to earn a living doing backing vocals. I can still remember the words "This vehicle is reversing".
A Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says "Is this some kind of joke?"
I come from a long line of Conga dancers.
My sister just had a baby boy, they've decided to call him Mark, but with a C. Cark
To Err is Human, to Arrr is Pirate!
Do you ever get half way through eating a horse and you realise you weren't as hungry as you thought?
I don't know why I bought this new coconut shampoo. I haven't even got any coconuts.
I called up a takeaway and said "do you deliver" They said "No, we do lamb, chicken or fish"
Who's in charge of the hankies? The handkerchief..
A nose walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry sir but I can't serve you....You're clearly off your face"
I'm currently writing a mystery novel. Or am I?
My local Balti house has a wardrobe that leads to a magical land. Naania.
I'm in a heavy metal band. I play lead..
My mate is a professional jester, but he's currently out of work. He's nobody's fool!
On holiday with my wife and I cannot believe how tiny and revealing her bikini is. The colour suits me though.
A contestant just accused me of being an unfair gameshow host. Point taken!
Two inmates escaped from prison, one is 6'9 the other is 3'4. Police are hunting high and low.
I just stole a guys wallet and he chased me for almost three miles. I gave him a good run for his money.
What do you call a girl who sets fire to her credit card statements? Bernadette.
I just finished my degree in ballet. I got a 2:2.
I went to the library and asked if they had any books on kittens. The librarian replied "No sorry, all of our books are on shelves".
Why does a flamingo lift up one leg? Because if it lifted both it would fall over.
I left my girlfriend because she wouldn't stop counting. I wonder what she's up to now?..
The last time I saw my sister was at an Oasis concert. I was standing in the croud shouting "Go Oasis Go!". I haven't seen her since.
A man had 33 bulls & 33 cows Each pair had a calf. He thought he now had 99 cattle, but he had 100. When he rounded them up.
I've spent all day looking for my cat with one eye..I should have used both eyes really.
I just got a hair cut. Now I'm thinking about getting all the others cut too.
I've decided to take the day off today. From now on it will simply be known as 'To'
My wife accused me of having OCD. I soon put her in her place.
Elvis Presley was clearly illiterate. It's L for Las Vegas, Not V!
Wanna know what really makes my blood boil? Crematoriums.
I've no idea why my new plug in air fresherner won't work. I plug it in and switch it on. Nothing! It just doesn't make scents.
What do you use to make a walrus smooth? Seal irons.
I said to the doctor "Can you give me something for my liver?" So he gave me a pound of onions.
How do you make Anti-freeze? Hide her blankets.
My wife and I were happy for 23 years. Then we met.
It takes balls to be a transvestite.
Did you hear about the one legged sumo wrestler? He was a total pushover.
My Dad lost his job at the cemetary after burying someone in the wrong hole. Grave mistake!
So what if school doesn't teach us how to get a job or raise a family? At least I know the whole periodic table of elements!
I just got the morning post and one envelope read 'Photographs Do Not Bend'. Liars! I folded it in half really easily!
Once I get a few drinks inside me, I find there is one thing I cannot stand. Up.
Me & my mates were at an Indian restaurant & some guys started throwing rice at us. So we threw rice back at them. We had a pilau fight.
I'm terrified of skipping ropes, bungees and trampolines. They make me jump.
My ex wife was deaf, she left me for a deaf friend. I should have seen the signs.
Not happy with my camping trip travel insurance. Apparently If someone steals my tent in the night, I'll no longer be covered.
For my next trick, I will eat a musical instrument in a bread bap. Drum roll please.
Two naked oiled up women just burst in my house & started wrestling with my wife. Luckily, I was able to knock one out.
Every time I try to pour a round of drinks it ends up all over the floor. I think I need glasses.
I almost had a threesome last night. I just needed two more people.
Waited in line for hours outside the club last night whilst the doorman checked ID's. He was taking ages.
'I' before 'e' except after 'c' has been disproved by science.
My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It's called a Lunch.
Today I have officially been sober for 100 days. Not like, in a row or anything. Just in total.
I'm so poor that I've been forced to eat my mates herb garden. I'm living on borrowed thyme!
What do we want? Another question! When do we want it? Thanks!
Sean Connery is 84 Roger Moore is 87 Pierce Brosnan is 61 Daniel Craig is 47Ooh yeah. I'm really into Bond age.
I think my mate from the Greater Manchester area may be a transvestite. He has a Wigan address.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but I ended up really liking it.
My son starts school on Monday and is so scared of being picked on. I guess it's my own fault for calling him 'Someoneyourownsize'
So you're here for crap jokes? Well check this one out! one.
I have kleptomania, but it's okay. I'm taking something for it.
I have an EpiPen, My best mate gave it to me as he lay dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.
I just bought an awful cheap thesaurus. Not only is it awful, it's awful!
A man in a pub asks for a pack of helicopter-flavoured crisps. The barman says "Sorry mate, we've only got plane"
What can think the unthinkable? An itheberg.
I've decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. It was just gathering dust.
I went through 3 whole magazines at the doctors earlier. I would have kept on killing but they wrestled the gun away from me.
When my wife found out I'd replaced our bed with a trampoline She hit the roof.
Me and my mate were fighting over which was the best vowel. I won!
I like to get around town in a giant hamster ball. It's just how I roll.
'I'm sorry' and 'I apologise' mean the same thing. Unless you're at a funeral.
I hate it when I'm on the treadmill & my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I get off & eat a bacon sandwich.
I just took the 6 o'clock Birmingham train. The people from the train company were furious and made me give it back.
First rule of Thesaurus Club. You don't talk, converse, discuss, speak, chat, deliberate, confer, gossip, utter...
How do you stop moles from digging up your garden? Hide their spades.
My love life is like a pack of cards, first it was all hearts and diamonds. Now I'm after a club and a spade!
I just got a new ringtone. This anal bleaching really is good!
When someone is bothering you, remember, it takes 42 muscles to frown..but only 5 muscles to pull a trigger.
There was a strike at work today! But then that's not unusual when you work in a bowling alley.
I just got a job as a street cleaner. No training, they said. I'd just pick it up as I went along.
Do hot blondes get pop-ups saying, "A 37 yr old ugly virgin from Solihull wants to have sex with you"?
Dont make fun of fat people, they have enough on their plates.
The good thing about life is that even if you're crap at it, you're guaranteed at least two certificates.
My doctor has a great sense of humour. He leaves me in stitches.
A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
I've started taking steps to cure my alcoholism. It hasn't worked, I've just got loads of angry window cleaners after me.
My doctor told me I had high blood pressure, I took this news like I do everything else. With a pinch of salt.
I've lost loads of weight this month! This whole 'not having any money for food' thing is really working out well.
I can't believe how dangerous the world is. Just yesterday, I went into a McDonalds toilets and mugged someone.
I've always had a difficult relationship with my parents. When I was first born I didn't speak to them for 2 years.
What's the difference between pink and purple? The grip.
What stands in a field and goes "Oooooh!"? A cow with no lips.
If I asked you to sleep with me, Yes or No. Would the answer to that question be the same as the answer to this one?
I've been engaged quite a few times, but never took the plunge. There have been quite a few near Mrs.
"The doctor removed my left ventricle and atrium," Tom said halfheartedly.
When the wheel was invented. It started a revolution.
The invisible man married the invisible woman. Their kids were nothing to look at.
Two years ago I asked my dream girl on a date. Today I asked her to marry me. She said no on both occasions.
I was gonna go hiking in the hills with my mate Max, but he refused to go. He's a real anti-climb Max.
I've been hard at work all day. I had no idea viagra lasted so long!
Why was the detective fired after the peanut factory robbery? Cos he refused to deal with a nut case.
Describe yourself in three words. 1) Lazy 2) 3)
My doctor told me that I needed to watch my drinking. So now I drink in front of a mirror.
Who's the coolest person in a hospital? The ultra sound guy.
How many oranges grow on the average orange tree? All of them.
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too!
What do you call a woman sat under a cow? Pat.
Velcro. What a rip-off!
I was gonna send my awful 'Fish in Herb Sauce' back to the chef. But I'm not sure sure if it's the thyme or the plaice.
What do you call a man who always wins? Victor!
"Torture me" said the masochist. "No" the sadist smiled.
We once had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope & Steve Jobs.  Now we have no Cash, no Hope & no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die!
I went back this girls place and she had a 10-foot lightswitch. It was a massive turnoff!
What do you get if you jump into the red sea? Wet.
I couldn't stay awake at work. I kept falling asleep & dreaming I was the Michelin man. I was very tyred.
I've just had a ploughman's lunch. He wasn't very happy about it.
Two cows in a field, one says "moooooooooooo". The other cow says "Damn.. I was gonna say that!"
How do you make a horse drink? Put it in a blender.
Where there's a will, there's a relative.
I took my wife's family out for tea and biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.
My computer just beat me at chess. Beat its ass at kickboxing though..
My house cleaner is getting really annoying. She keeps asking me to move out & says she wants a divorce.
I bought my wife a desk-lamp for her birthday, her face is really gonna light up when she sees it.
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life. Unless I buy something.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says "Pint please, and one for the road"
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I wonder what 'DON'T TOUCH' is in Braille?
I walked down a street & the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K & 1MB.It was a trip down memory lane.
All in all... it was a good orgy.
I've got 22 notches on my bedpost. It's not easy trying to stab somebody in the dark.
I just love the smell of Grandma's cooking. So I set fire to an old peoples home.
What was more useful than the invention of the first telephone? The second telephone.
The label on my biscuits said "Store in a cool place "So I mailed them to Samuel L Jackson's house.
When is it bad luck to have a black cat cross your path? When you're a mouse.
Our chemist was robbed of its stock of Viaga yesterday. Police are on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.
I found out recently that my wife had an affair with a dwarf. I can't believe she would stoop so low.
As a masochist I enjoy getting up at 3am & having a cold shower. So I don't.
Ancient Chinese Proverb: Man who run behind car get exhausted.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
My ex-wife had my name tattooed on her boob, but she had it removed. I've been erased from her mammary.
Two cats named 123 & Une-Deux-Trois swam across a river. 123 Cat made it but Une-Deux-Trois Cat Sank.
What's ET short for? Cos he's only got little legs.
I was once arrested for resisting arrest. I still don't know how.
What kind of key opens a banana? A monkey!
I walked into a bar with my pet newt. The bartender asked 'What's that thing? Its tiny' 'I know, Its my newt'
During which battle was Lord Nelson killed? His last one.
Two men fighting in a restaurant. One threw a prawn cocktail at the other and said. "That's just for starters"
I'm going to buy some velcro for my shoes instead of laces. Why knot?
Had a massage today, I came away in a foul mood. They rubbed me up the wrong way.
I call my wife treasure, cos she looks like she's just been dug up.
I was sat in traffic the other day. Got hit by a car.
Nobel Peace Prize, I'd kill for one of those!
"My career is in ruins!" said the archaeologist.
Is it 'I will RUN through a camping site'? Or 'I will RAN through a camping site'? (Cos it's past tents)
I'll never forget my granddad's last words..He said 'That bus is going quite fast'.
I've always wanted to be a doctor, but I've never had the patience.
My wife broke up with me recently because I'm a compulsive gambler. But I intend to win her back.
The past, the present and the future were having an argument. It was tense.
My Grandma died on her 100th birthday. It was a real shame as we were only half way though giving her the bumps.
I just wrote a really awesome song about a fajita. Well it's more of a wrap really.
I just bought some expensive venison. It's dead deer.
A mummy covered in chocolate & nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche.
I met my wife on the net. We were both terrible trapeze artists.
Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? It had mittens.
I remember how much things changed when my last girlfriend got pregnant. Like my name, address and telephone number.
My wife wanted to be taken out somewhere expensive, so I took her to a petrol station.
I heard women love a man in uniform, so I got a job working at McDonalds.
Why do sharks swim in salt water? Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
What do you cal a fly that has retired? A flew.
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
What ended in 1887? 1886.
What's blue & looks like a bucket? A blue bucket. What's red & looks like a bucket? A blue bucket in disguise.
My grandfather had his tongue shot off in the war. He never talked about it though.
Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents!
Why did the baker have dirty hands? Because he kneaded a poo.
I intend to live forever or die trying!
A girl I fancy just phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
I was having a dip at the swimming pool when the lifeguard asked, 'What have you got there?' I replied 'Hummus'
I fought a guy on some moving stairs today, we started arguing at the bottom and things just escalated from there!
My doctor said my constant diarrhea was a problem caused by genetics. It runs in my genes.
My local theatre is showing a play called 'The Dictionary'. It's a play on words.
If you loiter in a Tibetan holy leader's sandwich shop, You dilly dally in the dalai's deli.
I arranged a pessimists meeting today, it wasn't a great turn out. The room was half empty.
Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it will always remain stationary.
Did you hear the joke about the three holes in the ground?. Well, well, well!
What do you call someone who points out the obvious? Someone who points out the obvious.
Research shows that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape? Breathe damnit breathe!
How do you confuse a moron? 16.
Mary Rose sat on a nail Mary rose.
I don't like birthdays. Too many will kill you.
I took my tomcats to get neutered today. No hard felines.
What's the difference between a well dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tire.
Our ice cream man was found slumped in his van, covered with hundreds & thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
My mate just spent �30 on a chicken that doesn't lay eggs. Cock.
What's red and bad for your teeth? A house brick.
I poured spot-remover on my dog and now he's gone.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke hadn't been invented yet.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. "Get out of here!" shouts the barman. "We don't serve your type."
Who will take the second shot in the pub snooker game? We'll find out after the break.
I think my brother is heading for another breakdown. He's an AA man.
Just got a text 'I'm so dirty. I need you to do me right now'. Unfortunately it was from the dishes in my sink.
Why did the bacteria cross the microscope? To get to the other slide.
I met somebody at work today called William Hill. What are the odds?
What do you call a guy who lives in a bush? Russell.
What do you call a man in a slow-cooker? Stu.
I went to the supermarket to buy some ingredients to make soup, but they were out of stock.
I take steps to avoid lifts.
I took a poll recently and 100% of people were annoyed that their tent had fallen down.
I was so upset the day I found my first grey hairs. I thought I'd dye.
I'd like to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming like the passengers on his bus.
Why can't T-Rexes clap their hands? Cos they're extinct.
I hate being manic depressive. It's great!
California has the highest rates of depression & adultery in America. Such a sad state of affairs.
What do you call a man who lives in a back street? Ali.
The local convent has no security around the building, so I helped myself. No fence. Nun taken.
You've seen one shopping centre. You've seen the mall.
I named my Iphone "Titanic". It's syncing now.
My dog went to the flea circusand stole the show.
Just saw a sign'Mute budgie for sale - Not going cheap'.
I never let my children listen to jazz or classical music. It's full of sax and violins.
I've got a perfect chicken proof garden. It's impeccable
I just saw a man & woman at the supermarket wrapped in a barcode. I thought "They must be an item".
Whenever I see a sign that says 'keep off the grass'. I wonder how it got there.
What do you give to a sick lemon? Lemon aid.
I ate the CRAZIEST snack at the pub last night. It was nuts.
I asked the cashier at the window of the service station for a Galaxy. She came back with a Milky Way.
I was once cast as Oliver in a silent interpretation of Oliver Twist, It was brilliant. I couldn't ask for more!
Games that involve throwing a 2 kilo circular object as far as possible have no place at the Olympics. Discus.
Words cannot express how limited my vocabulary is.
Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff? Tequila!
Met a girl in the club last night, she said "Take me home & I will do literally anything you want." Best omelette EVER!
A cowboy walks into a German car showroom and says "Audi".
I saw a sign in a second hand shop 'Half price TV - no volume control' I thought "I can't turn that down!"
I need a filling, but I've been to the dentist before so it's okay. I know the drill.
What do you call a guy in a lot of debt? Owen.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised!
I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around.
Where does a cucumber go to get drunk? A salad bar.
Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there is a dog.
Say "poo" and your mouth does the same motion as your anus. The exact same can be said for "violent explosive diarrhoea"
I've just been on a positive thinking course. It was crap.
The worst pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle. It really was a vile inn.
Why do Marxists drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft!
What's green and climbs walls? An overly ambitious cucumber.
What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste.
When Dad died I vowed not to follow in his footsteps, I'd take a different path. In fact I'd avoid minefields altogether.
Police are after the 'knitting needle nutter' who's stabbed 6 people. They believe he's following some kind of pattern.
I've spent the last 3 years looking for my ex-wife's killer. Still can't find anyone to do it.
How many immature people does it take to change a lightbulb? Your Mother!
Build a man a fire, keep him warm for a day. Set a man on fire, keep him warm for the rest of his life.
Mirror inspector. Now there's a job I could really see myself doing!
How do snails fight? They slug it out.
I used to be addicted to soap. But now I'm clean.
I used to be attention seeking, but look at me now!
I can see no end, I have no control, I have no home & there's no escape. Definitely need a new keyboard.
What do you give to the man who has everything? Penicillin.
Why didn't the teddy bear eat his dessert? Because he was stuffed.
I just saw a guy in the pub carrying 12 pints of lager. I thought, that guy can really hold his drink.
I booked an Asian prostitute last night, but she arrived two hours late. She loved me wrong time.
When people ask why I'm still single. I tell them I'm single by choice. Unfortunately, it's not my choice.
I guess you heard about me weeing in the newsagents yesterday? It was all over the papers.
A limbo dancer walks into a bar and loses the competition.
I don't drink alcohol for religious reasons. I drink it for other reasons.
I'll never forget what Grandma said before she kicked the bucket. She said "Look how far I can kick this bucket".
I had to quit my job at the orange juice factory. I just couldn't concentrate.
Keyring: A handy little gadget that allows you to lose all of your keys at once.
It must be difficult to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one & all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I recently lost my grandfather. That's the last time I take him to Ikea!
I had to quit my job fitting tyres at the garage. I just couldn't handle the pressure.
"Now, how's he gonna read that magazine all rolled up like that?" thought the spider.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey!
What did the hat say to the scarf? "You hang around - I'll go on a head."
My parents divorced because my mother had an affair with a demolition man. Home wrecker!
I was so excited when the hosepipe ban was lifted. I wet my plants.
My mate just lost his job at the pet shop. The boss caught him with his hand in the trill.
I went to a seafood disco last week. Pulled a mussel.
Last night I dreamt that I was the author of Lord of the Rings. I was Tolkien in my sleep.
A new horror film. A sadist traps snowmen & forces them to melt bits of themselves to escape. Thaw.
I put my clothes on the line earlier. I think my gambling addiction has gone too far.
Went to the barbers today and had a no. 2. I thought it was just a fart but I ended up following through.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
I've just been assaulted by a troupe of mime artists. They performed unspeakable acts on me!
I phoned a helpline about my weak bladder problem. It's 1p a minute.
I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery. I've had it right up to here with them.
Why do birds fly south for the winter? Cos it's too far to walk.
Why don't oysters give to charity? Cos they're shellfish.
I'm not happy with the results of my cheap circumcision. It was a total rip-off!
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones? Trombones.
I went to the local zoo but all that they had was one small dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
A mute incontinent. Goes without saying.
I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'. You probably saw our posters.
I'm terrified of negative numbers. I'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Someone stole my mood ring. I'm not sure how I feel about it.
What's green and fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A snooker table.
I hate Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves.
It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way I do.
Today I accidentally sent a naked pic of myself to my entire address book. Cost me a fortune in stamps.
I'm giving away my roof for free It's on the house!
I went to the doctors with a strawberry growing on my bum. The doctor said "I've got some cream for that"
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood...
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack.
I took a urine test at the hospital today. My kleptomania is really getting out of control.
A dentist and a manicurist had a terrible fight. It was tooth and nail.
Two pens had a race. The result was a draw.
There was a young Man from Peru, whose limerick stopped at line two.
Lately I've been feeling a void in my life. It's probably nothing.
I was gonna tell a joke about a cookie. But it's too crummy.
What do the films The Sixth Sense and Titanic have in common? Icy dead people.
If vegetarians love animals so much then why do they keep eating their food?
Our house doesn't have enough electrical sockets. It's a real power struggle.
I used to be a plastic surgeon. That raised a few eyebrows.
Why have elephants got big ears? Cos Noddy won't pay the ransom.
What's pink and slippery? A slipper.
I don't know why this bottle of whiskey tastes so good, but I'm going to get to the bottom of it.
If I had a penny for every time someone gave me their dog to look after. I'd have a pound.
I occasionally enjoy having my steak undercooked, but that's rare.
Every time I get undress in the bathroom the shower gets turned on.
I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.
What do you call a man with a car number plate on his head? Reg.
My son took his first steps this morning. The window cleaner was furious.
I say no to alcoho, but it never listens.
I took an airline to court over my missing luggage. They lost the case.
An E-Flat, a G-Flat & a B-Flat walk into a bar. The barman says "sorry but we don't serve minors".
Don't you hate it when people answer their own questions? I do.
My fake plants died because I forgot to pretend to water them.
Whats small red and whispers? A hoarse radish.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly & poor.
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
Dentists are going on strike: brace yourselves.
I love Dry erase boards. They're remarkable.
Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out.
My pencil isn't prone to making Freudian Slips, but my penis.
Two silk worms had a race. It ended in a tie.
My mate is just not the same since he almost drowned in a vat of lemon juice. It's left him very bitter
What do you call a man with cat scratches all over his head? Claude!
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop any time I want.
I do a ton of sit-ups every morning. That snooze button really gets a hammering.
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything".
Went to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a loaf of bread. The birds were all over me.
I just got back from the corner shop. Bought some corners.
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs. On the floor? - Matt. In the sea? - Bob In a hole? - Phil
How do you stop a bull from charging? Take away his credit card.
I was so upset the other day by an out-of-body experience. I was beside myself.
I Slept like a baby last night. I shit myself and woke up screaming.
It's "Jamaican hairstyle day" at work tomorrow. I'm dreading it.
Someone very close to me died the other day. Luckily the bus wasn't full so I just changed seats.
Sometimes I use long words I don't fully understand. To try & make myself sound more photosynthesis.
I got to work this morning to find a lump of Plasticine on my desk. I don't know what to make of it.
When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.
What do you call a Bear that's missing an ear? A 'B'
My crazy mate just jumped into a river in Paris. He's in Seine.
What's black & white and eats like a horse? A Zebra.
I'm making a show about two detectives who solve crimes over the phone. It's called Star Key & Hash.
My mate just lost both hands in a horrible accident. I can't even begin to imagine how he feels.
What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen.
The only time incorrectly isn't spelled incorrectly is when it's spelled incorrectly.
My toothpaste gets jealous when I try to use other brands. It's ultra-sensitive.
I met a girl in town who told me she'd show me a good time. Then she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
After a recent accident, I managed to save loads of money on my car insurance. By driving away really quickly.
There's no "I" in Denial.
A cement mixer collided with a prison van. People are warned to be on the lookout for 15 hardened criminals.
My dog just chased some kid on a bike, I had no idea my dog could even ride a bike.
Financially I'm set for life. As long as I die next Thursday.
I dated a girl with a lazy eye, but it didn't work out. She was seeing someone else on the side.
What do you call a row of boxers stood side by side? A punchline.
The doctor who did my circumcision was terrible. He got the sack.
I forgot to go to the gym today. That's 7 years in a row now.
An old lady at the bank asked if I could help her check her balance. So I pushed her over.
Did you hear about the elf that got pick-pocketed? How could anyone stoop so low?
I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on. This one was written in London.
My wife laughed when I told her I was going to make a car out of spaghetti. She soon shut up when I drove pasta.
Did you hear about the dyslexic rock star? He choked to death on his own Vimto.
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff.
My friend told me today that I don't understand what irony is. Which was ironic, because we were at a bus stop.
How do you make a cat flap? Throw it off a cliff.
What word becomes shorter when you add letters to it? Short.
Why don't snakes have balls? Because they're terrible dancers.
Why don't boxers have sex the night before a fight? Because they don't fancy each other.
I'm a virgin for religious reasons. God made me really ugly.
Sometimes I put my head between my legs and lean forward. That's just how I roll.
I thought if I took the shell off my racing snail it would go faster. If anything it seems more sluggish.
I just recently ended a 5 year relationship. It's OK though, it wasn't my relationship.
What has four legs and goes boo? A cow with a cold.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba dum tish!
I was trying to fix my computer when I got a bad shock off the processor. It megaHz.
If you ever get attacked by a circus, go for the juggler.
Last night my mate and I watched all 3 'Lord of the Rings' movies back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
I can jump higher than the average house. Because the average house can't jump.
My best mate told me to treat his house as if it were my own. So I sold it.
Why don't cannibals like clowns? Cos they taste funny.
It's difficult for me to say what my wife does for a living. She sells sea shells by the seashore.
I was struggling to work out how lightning works. Then it struck me.
I was gonna tell a joke about pizza, but it's too cheesy.
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone. Then it dawned on me.
..and the Lord said unto John "Come forth and receive eternal life". But he came fifth and won a toaster.
What do you call a girl standing between two goal posts? Annette.
How do football players cool down during a game? They stand near the fans.
Some guy just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!
I've been thinking about selling my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay. Imagine all the PayPal.
I'll never tell anyone that I'm secretly addicted to eating glue. My lips are sealed.
How many people who are terrible at telling jokes, does it take to change a light bulb? To get to the other side.
A hypnotist once convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with the atomic number 82. I'm easily lead.
A book just fell on my head. I've only got my shelf to blame.
What do you call a kid with one arm, buck teeth, a monobrow and an eyepatch? Names.
I was gonna tweet a really good joke but the stupid autocorrect on my phone keeps ruining the lunchtime.
I got my hair cut yesterday. At first I didn't like it, but it's growing on me.
I just saw some guy chatting up a cheetah. He's trying to pull a fast one.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft office, I will hunt you down and I will make you pay. You have my word!
The wife insists we need more garden furniture. Not sure if I agree. I'm on the fence.
I never go to funerals. I'm just not a mourning person.
Why doesn't Mike Tyson play Playstation? He's an Xboxer.
Two fish in a tank. One says to the other; "You man the guns and I'll drive"
I don't know why, but someone keeps mysteriously adding soil to my allotment patch each night. The plot thickens.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says 'Sorry we don't serve food in here'
Why couldn't the sesame seed leave the casino? Because he was on a roll.
What's round and bad tempered? A vicious circle.
If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls? Cornflakes.
On which side do chickens have the most feathers? The outside.
I went to the doctors the other day and asked if he had anything for wind. So he gave me a kite.
Slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace.
Why was Cinderella kicked off the football team?Because she kept running away from the ball.
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
What's brown and sticky? A Stick.
Why did the yogurt go to the art exhibition? Because it was cultured.
I won't rest until I find a cure for Insomnia!
Did you hear about the red ship that crashed into the blue ship? All of the sailors were marooned.
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes? Cashew!
Did you hear about the overly sensitive burglar? He was always taking things personally.
I put a wooden desk and a blackboard in my living room. I wanted to make it look more classy.
I spent most of last night in jail. Couldn't roll a double for the life of me.
I stubbed my toe in a library once. I had to suffer in silence.
I've just stolen loads of swimming inflatables. I'd better lilo.
Which word in the Dictionary is always spelled wrong? Wrong.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
Why is an elephant big, grey and wrinkly? Cos if it was small, white and smooth it would be an aspirin.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
What cheese is made backwards? Edam.
What do you call a Boomerang that doesn't come back? A Stick.
What's white and can't climb trees? A Fridge
Knock, Knock. Who's there? Chester. Chester who? Chester Drawers.
Knock, Knock. Who's there? Euripides. Euripides who? Euripides trouser, you menda these trousers.
Knock, Knock. Who's there? Thistle. Thistle who? Thistle be the last time I knock.
Knock, Knock. Who's there? Tuna. Tuna who? Tuna violin.
Knock, Knock. Who's there? Adder. Adder who? Adder big breakfast this morning.
Knock, Knock. Who's there? Francis. Francis who? Francis next to Germany.
Knock, Knock. Who's there? Dishes. Dishes Who? Dishes just another bad knock knock joke.
Knock, Knock. Who's there? Disguise. Disguise who? Disguise d' limit !
Knock, Knock. Who's there? Radio. Radio who? Radio not, here I come!
Knock, Knock. Who's there? Yah. Yah who?I didn't know you were a cowboy.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Woo. Woo who? Don't get so excited, it's just a joke.
Knock, Knock. Who's there? Panther. Panther who? Panther what you wear under your troutherth.
Knock, Knock. Who's there? Control freak. Now you say control freak who!
Knock, knock. Who's there? Dismay. Dismay who? Dismay be a bad joke but I think it's funny.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Cargo. Cargo who? No Car go vroom vroom.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Nobel. Nobel who? No bell so I had to knock.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Wooden Shoe. Wooden Shoe who? Wooden Shoe like to hear another joke?
Knock, knock. Who's there? Alex. Alex who? Alex the questions around here!
Knock, knock. Who's there? Hawaii. Hawaii who? I'm fine thank you Hawaii you?
Knock, knock. Who's there? Dumbell. Dumbell who? Dumb bell doesn't work so I had to knock.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Adore. Adore who? A door is between us. Open up!
Knock, Knock. Who's there? Europe. Europe who? Don't call me a poo!
Knock, Knock. Who's there? Doughnut. Doughnut who? Doughnut ask, it's a secret.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Hatch. Hatch who? Bless you!
Knock, knock. Who's There? Impatient Cow. Impatient Cow wh...Mooooo!
Knock, Knock. Who's There? Boo. Boo Who? No need to cry it's just a joke
Knock, Knock. Who's there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes the Police come out with your hands up.
Knock, Knock. Who's there? A Pile-Up. A Pile-Up Who? Ewwwwww
Knock, knock. Who's there? Old lady. Old lady who? Wow I didn't know you could yodel.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Dwayne. Dwayne who? Dwayne the bathtub, I'm dwowning.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Ivor. Ivor who? Ivor sore hand from knocking!
I'm going on a blind date tonight. I hope our dogs get on.
Went to a chemist yesterday & said to the pharmacist "Excuse me I'm after some condoms" "Just a minute" he replied. I said"Yes thats them"
Have you heard about the new super sensitive condoms? They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.
What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, Inserts neatly in a hole and works best when jerked? A seatbelt.
I got an email today from a '32 year old bored housewife, looking for some action'. I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy!
I've been getting anonymous texts from someone telling me to shower, comb my hair & brush my teeth. I think they might be trying to groom me
FOR SALE: Packet of Polo's. Unopened mint condition.
Yesterday I found out that my toaster isn't waterproof. I was shocked.
People ask if I still enjoy sex at 45?! I live at number 57, so it's not far to go
Going to see Peter Pan again tonight. Never gets old.
Tea is for mugs.
A bloke was shagging his overweight missus, when his phone rings."You'll have to ring me back mate, I'm in the tub" he said.
Ketamine - just say neigh.
What's the best thing for a hangover? Drink loads the night before.
I drove past my gran's house this morning and saw 11 pints of milk on her doorstep. I thought, 'she must be thirsty today'
How much does a grand piano cost? �1000
My dad used to say: "Always fight fire with fire". Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
I'm not saying the wife's fat, but she puts her belt on with a boomerang.
My Mrs has been told she'll have to lose weight if she wants to become pregnant.I told her.
What's big, grey and doesn't matter? An irr-elephant.
My wife said that I'll find any excuse to drink. Speaking of beer...
Female wanted, must have own pub. Apply with inn.
If it's got tits or wheels, sooner or later you're gonna have problems with it.
I said to my wife:"If you lick my balls I'll come". She said; "Fuck off, you're coming shopping with me whether you like it or not!"
What's green and smells of pork? Kermit the frogs fingers!
The Mrs is just like Heather Mills. She only wears half the shoes she buys!
I recently lost my job as a teacher. I got caught shagging the ugliest teacher in the whole school. Gross Miss Conduct
My doctor reckons I'm paranoid. He didn't say it, but I know he's thinking it.
Over 90% of people over 60 believe that we show less respect to others than we did in the past. Silly old fuckers!
My uncle was jailed for his beliefs. He believed you could wank on the bus.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
My wife is temperamental. 50% temper, 50% mental.
Wife to husband: "let's go out and have some fun tonight". Husband: "OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on"
My grandfather gave me some sound advice on his deathbed. He said "It's worth spending money on a good set of speakers"
What's worse than a cardboard box? Paper tits.
Local news: 'Amputee robber evaded police for 15 days'. That's amazing, considering he wasn't armed.
What do you call an aardvark that's just been beaten up? Vark.
I was recently on safari in the Serengeti and witnessed two male male lions shagging. I thought "blimey, have they got no pride?"
I always call out my wife's name during sex. Just to make sure she's not around.
Did you hear about the man who fell asleep at the wheel? There was a terrible mess, clay everywhere...
Did you hear about the terrible accident at Spaghetti Junction? Twelve people were injured, and three pastaway.
What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it his a windscreen? It's arse!
The Mrs got in the shower with me this morning. She said "Mmm baby I want you to do bad things to me". So I put shampoo in her eyes.
I told my cat I was going to teach him to speak English. He looked at me and said "Me how?"
If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.
I'm very good at remembering random facts. For example, there are 3,500 different types of lice. And that's just off the top of my head.
Never have a tactical wank before sex! Trust me, I learned that the soft way.
My mates laughed at me because my girlfriend is imaginary... Jokes on them, they are too!
My Mrs has recently started eating sofas, it's weird... But then again she's always had a suite tooth.
My wife is so ugly she spent 5 hours in the beauty salon... Just getting a price.
How do frogs die? They Kermit suicide.
I used to be a tap dancer but I kept falling in the sink.
I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen!
There are only 3 things that tell the truth: 1 - Young Children 2 - Drunks 3 - Leggings
Last night in bed, my wife said we should try some role reversal. So I said I had a headache.
I thought that pulling the shell off my racing snail would help it move faster. If anything it became more sluggish.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs? To keep their nuts dry!
My girlfriend laughed at me when I said I had a car made from spaghetti. You should've seen her face when I drove pasta.
I think my spell Czech is broken.
Just bought a suit made from cactus.I look pretty sharp in it.
My wife is very big in fashion. She's a size 22.
I saw a woman wearing a t-shirt with "Guess" on it. I said "Implants?"
2 Thai birds asked me to join them for a threesome. It was just like winning the Lottery. We had 6 matching balls.
Guess who I bumped into in the opticians today? Everybody.
I felt like I was on the voice today! I farted on the bus and 4 people turned around.
An Arab offered me 40 camels for my wife. Unfortunately, I don't smoke.
Marriage is a relationship where one person is always right and the other is the husband.
Some people think there are insects on the Moon. Lunar tics.
Never get stuck behind the Devil in a Post Office queue! The Devil can take many forms.
Always follow your dreams. Except for that one where you're naked at work.
Did you hear about the guy who bought a sponge door? Can't knock it.
A kitchen knife and a spoon had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
Never moon a werewolf.
If it wasn't for blinds, it would be curtains for us all.
Thought I could hear onions in the fridge singing beegees songs... Turned out it was the chives talking
My boss has just warned me that he has received complaints I'm a pervert. To be honest, I don't understand why, as I'm always hard at work
My clever friend said that onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut in his face.
A funeral was held today for the inventor of air conditioning. Thousands of fans attended.
Got thrown out a strip club last night for using monopoly money. I don't see why I should pay real money to see fake boobs.
Just spent the last hour tightening every bottle top and jar in my house. That will teach my wife for saying she doesn't need me anymore.
My wife broke up with me recently because I'm a compulsive gambler. All I can think about is how to win her back.
I went up to the manager in Argos today and I said, "I want to buy a watch.""Analogue?" he said. I said, "No mate, just a watch."
Yesterday a clown held a door open for me, I thought it was a nice Jester.
Mexican friends? I have Juan or two.
What do you call a monkey in a minefield? BABOOOOOOM!
Do not trust atoms. They make up everything.
Isn't it great to live in the 21st century? Where deleting history has become more important than making it.
I hate being bipolar, it's amazing.
What do women and Google have in common?  They both can't ever let you finish a sentence without making a suggestion.
I just opened a kitchen cupboard and loads of Omega 3 capsules fell on my head. I'm alright though, just some superfishoil injuries.
My girlfriend from Thailand said having a small dick is no problem. I really like her, but I think I'd still prefer it if she didn't have one.
Whenever it rains, my wife just stands at the window looking kind of sad. Maybe I should let her in.
A boat carrying red paint has crashed into a boat carrying blue paint. The crew have been marooned.
Its not my fault I have a double-chin. When God was giving out chins, I thought he said Gin. So I said I'll have a double.
My wife told me to prepare our ginger son for his first day at school. So I beat him up and took his dinner money off him.
Took the wife's Valentines present back today. She said she wanted something black and lacy. Turns out she didn't mean football boots.
My sister asked me if I wanted to wind her new born baby? I thought that's a bit harsh so I just gave him a dead leg instead.
I cant think of any boat jokes. Canoe?
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and consider lube.
Have you heard about the evil group of men who control all the world's cheese? The Hallouminati!
Went to a butchers to play poker last week. Left after an hour, the steaks were too high.
Man jumps in a taxi says "King Arthur's Close". Taxi driver says "Don't worry I'll lose him at the lights".
I called my dad from the shop saying I'd forgotten what orange juice he asked for. "Concentrate" he said, but I still couldn't remember!
I just bought some of that coconut shampoo. I don't know why, I've not got a coconut.
Want to hear a construction joke? I'm working on it.
Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway. Cannoli do so much. Now hes just a pizza history.
As its Valentines Day, the missus has said she'll go on top tonight for a change. I love our bunk beds!
There's been an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield. 3.14159265 dead.
I'm in trouble with my wife after she asked where I was taking her today? It seems that over the coffee table was not what she wanted to hear.
Is it better to have loved a midget, than never to have loved a tall?
Today I looked at my wife and thought: This is the only investment which has doubled in my lifetime.
Learning to love yourself is important. Just don't let your partner catch you doing it!
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Got the missus a new bag and a new belt for Valentines Day. She'll be made up! The hoovers as good as new now.
What did one light bulb say to the other on Valentine's Day? I love you watts.
What gifts do squirrels exchange on Valentine's Day? Forget-me-nuts.
Just been on to travel agents looking for a weekend away somewhere in the Northeast. They said you can't beat Sunderland this time of year.
My wife said our marriage is becoming stale because I'm not spontaneous. So I waited until she fell asleep and shaved her eyebrows off.
Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?". I said "Dust!".
Breaking News Adam Johnson is set to sign for Man United, after hearing they have players Young, Blind and Keane.
Ugly birds are just like shopping at Pound Stretcher. You wanna be in and out quickly, before your mates see you!
Even though I've been married for five years I still can't help thinking about the one that got away. My wife's ex. What a lucky bastard.
I have SEXDAILY! I mean DYSLEXIA. Fcuk!
I heard the funniest time travel joke tomorrow.
I almost forgot to update my status that I'd been to the gym. What a waste of a workout that would have been!
I've just won 8 straight games of Paper, Scissors, Rock, against that very predictable Edward Scissorhands.
The amount of people who confuse 'to' and 'too' is amazing two me.
What's the difference between a dog and a fox? About 9 pints
"You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?" Always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation with me.
Just found out I have a Chinese half brother after all these years. Can't wait to meet Mi Sib Ling.
I was watching porn last night when my mum walked in. Not the best way to find out what she does for a living.
I love cooking children and dogs. but I hate using commas.
I finally told my girlfriend that "I Love Her". She text backing saying "I luv u2". I was gutted, I thought what does Bono have that I don't
What's long and hard and makes women groan? An Ironing Board.
If women are so perfect at multi-tasking. How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?
We call our grandad "Spiderman".�He hasn't got any super powers - he just finds it difficult to get out of the bath.
I can give you one vegetable joke about onions. But that's shallot.
Went for a job as a potato packer. Ended up getting the sack.
Why did the joke about the roof get no laughs? It went over their heads.
My brother says I need to stop quoting Run-D.M.C., but it's like that, and that's the way it is.
I know a man who taught his dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground. He went from Barking to Tooting in an hour.
I was playing rugby the other day and thought I'd scored a goal. But everyone just said nice try.
We've been trying to think of some vegetable jokes. If you can think of any, lettuce know.
My mate keeps boasting that he owns a 3 foot pack of cards. Big deal.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's time consuming.
Harry heard that most accidents happen within two miles of home. So he moved...
Men at 26 plays football, Men at 40 plays tennis, Men at 60 plays golf, have you noticed every time you get older, your balls gets smaller?
I've been single for so long now, when somebody says to me, 'Who are you with?', I automatically say: 'Vodafone'.
Andy Murray has the perfect opportunity to finally get rid of his miserable boring persona! All he has to do is name his new daughter Ruby.
I�started a band called 999 Megabytes We haven't got a gig yet.
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
There was a prison break & I saw a midget climb the fence. As he jumped down he sneered at me. I thought, well thats a little condescending.
I can't believe it's pancake Tuesday again. Honestly, it just cr�ped up on me.
My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes. She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.
Lazy People Fact #5626728943: You were too lazy to read that number.
As I watched the dog chase his tail, I thought "Dogs are easily amused.". Then I realized I was watching the dog chase his tail.
What do you do if your wife keeps moaning at you? Put the phone down and order another drink from the bar.
My mother-in-law got ambushed by 6 men who starting punching her. My wife shouted 'Are you gonna help?', I said '6 should be enough!'
I remember the days when 'Blue Ray' was an elderly gentleman who drowned in our local swimming pool.
Found out recently that my wife had an affair with a midget. I can't believe she would stoop so low.
What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste.
My recent Google searches: How to detangle my daughter's hair. How to detangle a really, really bad tangle. How to cut out a tangle. Hats.
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
I had an argument with my friend about his small boat. We fell out.
The new milk tray man from Liverpool, has been sacked after one day on the job. He delivered the chocolates, but left with a PS4, ipad & TV.
Did you hear about the midget who speaks to dead people that broke out of prison? The police are describing him as a small medium at large.
Went to the annual disco for the UK Dyslexic Association last night. Was great until the DJ played YMCA and then it was fucking mayhem.
Butterflies just aren't what they used to be.
My Wife has grown a little penis after she started taking steroids."Really, anabolic?" "No, just a little penis".
I wrote 'DIVORCE', my wife wrote 'YES'. Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble.
I think I've cured my wife's fear of being buried alive. The screams stopped about an hour ago.
People think I'm stupid, because I have a lisp. I'm thick of it.
The good thing about marriage is that you can have sex at anytime you want. As long as you are the one with the vagina.
What do you call an Alien who eats too much cheese, egg yolks and animal fat? An extra-cholesterol.
About to watch a film with my girlfriend. Can anyone recommend a girlfriend?
I absolutely hate my mother-in-law. She's actually quite a nice person, but she brought my wife into the world.
Leicester are offering Man city fans a great offer on walkers crisps. It's buy one, get 1-3.
I was shopping with the wife for a present for her mother. She said she wanted something electric. I suggested a chair.
Maybe we should tone it down a notch. The neighbours changed the name of their wifi network to;"We can hear you having sex".
My girlfriend left me because she says I only ever think about football. I'm gutted, we'd been together for nearly three seasons.
You put 2 fingers in. Maybe 3, if it's big enough. Oh yeah, now that's how you wash a mug.
My wife says I'm spoken for.
Two reasons why I don't drink toilet water. Number 1: Number 2
My girlfriend disliked my obsession with Japanese food, Sushi left me.
A British prisoner has squeezed 4 smuggled mobile phones out of his arse. All chargers have been dropped.
I met my wife at speed dating. She was livid.
How much did it cost the pirate to get his ears pierced? A buck an ear.
Just had a look when Sinead O'Connor was last trending on Twitter. It's been 7 hours and 15 days.
It's really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters but found over 15,000 matches
Mrs & 3 of her pals squeezed into my car after weight watchers. I muttered "fat cows". The Mrs snapped "What was that!?". I said "You Herd"..
I took the mother in law out the other night. I love being a sniper.
Paddy on a 1st Aid Course Instructor asks: "What do you do if your child swallowed the front door key?". Paddy: "Climb through the window!".
Did you hear about the fella who had five cocks? His undies fit like a glove.
Mary has 24 cupcakes she eats 9 at lunchtime, then she eats another 6 at dinner time. What does Mary have now? Diabetes
I pulled a proper fit bird Saturday night! Part Mexican & right up for it. She told me she was dyslexic. I said get your taco, you've pulled!
No means no, unless she's dyslexic. Then it's on!
The wife said she wanted to go and see Jeremy Kyle Live for her birthday. So I got her sister pregnant! We're on next Wednesday!
Just had a nice chat with my neighbours teenage daughter. Turns out she's right into UFOs. Which is handy, as she's getting abducted tomorrow.
The wife complains that I don't take any interest in our children. That's the last time I offer to pick up the fat one from school!
20 seconds left on the microwave! Women:  Set the table, pour the wine, tweet, check Facebook. Men: Start a NASA rocket launch countdown.
I've just phoned and reserved a table to take the Mrs out on valentines night! She will be raging, she hates snooker!
When I was young I used to think Earwigs actually lived in your ears! You can imagine how terrified I was of cockroaches!
I've just found out that the guy that stole my journal has died. My thoughts are with his family.
My sex doll & I have been together for exactly a year today. To celebrate our anniversary, I decided to get her a book: Sex tips for Dummies
I can get you 5000 tampax for a fiver. No strings attached.
Spent all of my wages on skin cream. Bit of a rash decision!
Stevie Wonder was given a cheese grater for his birthday. He said that was the most violent book he'd ever read!
Went to a swinger's party last night in my army uniform. Had to leave my khakis in the bowl.
My parents used to beat me with a phone. I was always on the receiving end.
Beware of alphabet grenades! They could spell disaster!
Romeo&Juliet.doc is a play on Word.
Exercise bikes get you nowhere.
You know you're ugly when a boiling kettle won't even give you a whistle.
My wife said she's leaving me because she can't handle my OCD. "Close the door ten times on your way out," I said.
I hate all this terrorist bollocks! Gone are the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the tube & think, I'll fucking have that!
My wife bought a sheepskin burka for the cold weather.She looks like mutton dressed Islam.
To the thief in the wheelchair who nicked my camouflage jacket. You can hide but you can't run.
Dim light bulbs or bright light bulbs? Watts the difference.
My wife dresses to kill! Unfortunately she cooks the same.
I've just hired a hot 19 year-old Swedish girl with massive tits to babysit my kids. Now where the fuck do I get some kids from?.
My driving instructor told me to wear a seatbelt or the force could throw me out of the car. I can't believe he thinks Star Wars is real.
I'd love to live in an old disused lighthouse. I don't want anything flashy.
I was terrible at spelling when I was at school. Brilliant at jografy though.
I had a dream I was a muffler last night. Woke up exhausted.
Might wake up early and go for a jog. Might also win the lottery, odds are about the same.
My wife's a terrible cook, she can never get her sauces right! But I've stuck with her, through thick and thin.
I'm not saying I'm an ugly cunt, but I fucked a blind girl once who asked for the light off.
Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last long if you're fat.
Boredom is an anagram of bedroom.�My wife gets this.
My blonde 19 year old next door neighbor has just asked me if I know about missing items from her washing line? I nearly shit her knickers
Scientists say that sniffing Rosemary can increase memory by 75 percent, but every time I try she slaps me and says I'm a creep.
My dentist is a miserable fellow, always looking down in the mouth.
What's the difference between a penis and a bonus? Your missus will blow your bonus!
My wife says that my lying is ruining our marriage. But I reckon it's my big dick.
Sunbathing on the beach, the wife came up to me asked what I thought of her flip flops? "Bloody horrible", I said "Put your bikini top back on".
If moths like light so much, why don't they just come out during the day?
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the Moon? The food's ok, but it has no atmosphere.
My dentist reminded me of my wife's sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed. Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
BREAKING: Police are trying to rescue a cow lost in a cannabis field. The steaks have never been higher.
How does Stephen Hawking recover from a hangover? He presses F5.
Someone dropped their Scrabble in the middle of the road. That's the word on the street anyway.
You know you're a good mum when you sacrifice your vibrator batteries for your kids toys.
I ate a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
If you have sex on a boat. Is that considered off-shore drilling?
A customer was buying condoms at work today. I asked if he'd like a bag? He said, "No, she's not that ugly."
Last night i tried wife swapping for the first time, it's brilliant! I managed to get a new lawnmower for mine.
Why is your mum like Princess Jasmine? She's always got Aladdin!
I told her I had lightning quick reflexes. Sounds better than premature ejaculator.
"None of those women have what I'm really looking for"."Oh yeah? What's that?"."Low Standards".
What do you call two old women who lick each others naughty bits? LesbiNans
'How would you like your eggs?' the waiter asked. "Sunny-side up, please" I requested. "Madam?" he asked my wife. "In a big cake," she wheezed.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
My wife says she's leaving me because of my addiction to antidepressants. Won't be needing them anymore then.
Tomorrow, I'm going to open up the time capsule I made when I was a kid. I can't wait to see how big my puppy is.
Police are looking for a man on suspicion of beastiality. He was last seen yesterday at 10:00am getting into a Jaguar..
I've just bought some Tesco viagra. I only got a semi but every little helps!
Went shoplifting in a Disney Store. Got the biggest Buzz ever.
My wife used to be a size eight. Now she's a figure eight.
I've been searching for my stolen bed for three days! I won't rest until I find it.
My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.
First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door. Funny sense of humour my plumber has...
My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension. She said she just couldn't take it any longer.
I love my wife, she always gives me 100% sound advice. 99% sound, 1% advice.
Whoever decided to call it anal bleaching instead of changing your ringtone really missed out on an opportunity.
I'm not saying my wife's fat, but I struggle to lift her photograph.
Yesterday, a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships. Apparently 'In HD' wasn't the correct answer.
My mum said "You treat this place like a hotel!". She will regret that when I give her a low score on TripAdvisor for 'rude staff'.
"Tits or Arse man?" I was asked. I really should have got in there earlier when they were giving out super hero names.
My wife is finally losing weight thanks to a new slimming club.  If she goes near the fridge, I hit her with it.
I did a few drugs last night with my shoelaces undone. Big mistake, I was tripping all night.
Have YOU had to walk 500 miles? Were you advised to walk 500 more? You could be entitled to compensation. Call the Pro Claimers NOW.
Nothing embarrasses a psychic more than throwing them a surprise party.
Just in Tesco and I put my veggies in with my Nintendo. Now my Wii smells of asparagus.
My wife has had her panties stolen off the line! Fuming! U can keep the knickers but can we have the 40 pegs back please!
Why don't supermarkets be more honest and rename their "Parent & Child" spaces as "Lazy Bastard with Massive 4x4" spaces?
When I get home late from the pub.I'm going to give my wife a right good listening to.
I was wondering if anyone could tell me which channel I could find the Women's�FA�Cup�Final on? I've already checked cooking & comedy...
Spent all my savings on a sexchange. Now I haven't got a sausage.
"Can I have a pack of condoms?" I asked the pharmacist. "A small box?" he asked. "I hope so!" I replied.
Got out of the shower & my�wife�said "Look, its like a penis, only smaller". I said "Look, its like my secretary, only fatter & less flexible".
I had a wank over my ex girlfriend last night. Yeah I know it's wrong but I still have a key and she's a deep sleeper!
Two guys at the gym, one is putting on frilly knickers. "Since when do you wear womens pants?" "Since my�wife�found them in the glovebox!"
I just sent the wife�a picture of my floppy willy. I wanted to let her know I was thinking about her.
Why did my�wife�cross the road?�To get back to the first shoe shop we went in three fucking hours ago.
My�Boss�stormed up to me in the office today and said "You missed work yesterday, didn't you?" "Not particularly," I replied.
"Where do you want this big roll of�bubble�wrap?" I asked my boss. "Just pop it in the corner," he said. It took me three hours.
To some, marriage is just a word; to others, it's a sentence.
Wind turbines: I'm a big fan.
My wife asked me to pass the lip balm, but I gave her the superglue instead. She's not talking to me now.
The missus accused me of being far too competitive! I said 'I'm not!, and i'll be the first to admit that'.
Somebody had the audacity to call me 'pretentious' earlier! I nearly choked on my skinny latte with caramel and hazelnut sprinkles.
I told my new yoga teacher I was an expert. She asked me to show the class a very advanced pose. This put me in a difficult position.
If you're literally asking me to choose between our relationship & my obsession with pointing out doors to people, well..There's the door.
Sat down with my missus today and discussed if we wanted children? Should have seen the kid's faces.
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta
People laugh at my car because it's ugly and green. But at least I avacado
I used to be addicted to soap... But I'm clean now.
Paddy says "Why do scuba divers fall into the water backwards Mick?". Mick says "If they fell forwards they'd still be in the fuckin boat".
I wanked over my blind girlfriends tits yesterday. She never saw me coming.
The wife thinks it's cruel we've started testing our new products on rabbits. She's got a point, I suppose. I work in a hammer factory
I really hate being a depressed atheist. Nothing to live for, nothing to die for.
Did you hear that the Dalai Lama has a gambling addiction? He just loves Tibet.
The wife and I went to a bank robbers-themed fancy dress party last night.�Well I did. She stayed in the car and kept the engine running.
How does an eskimo build his house? Igloos it.
My son just got a pull-up bar and is feeling a little weak. I told him to keep his chin up.
I was walking through an arts and crafts shop, when I saw a sign saying "Glue Sticks.". I thought, "No shit."
Went to the Ice Cream Van & asked for a 99. The Ice Cream Man asked if I wanted hundreds and thousands? I said 'no thanks mate, just the one'
My mother in law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
I'm not saying my wife is ugly, but the milkman flirts with me.
Three sperm whales have been found on the beach at Skegness. Or as they're also known, local lasses.
Paddy in Wetherspoons: "How much is your lager?" Barman: "�2 a pint and �7 a pitcher" Paddy: I'll just have a pint, fuck the photo."
I always found the fishmonger at our local market to be pretty unfriendly. In fact I'd describe him as a little standoffish.
The inventor of the world's first organic coffins made entirely out of vegetables has died. May he rest in peas.
The inventor of autocorrect went from zero to hero in a matter of seconds.
My mate went to a charity night for women born without legs, he said the place was crawling with fanny!
What's the best way to talk to your mother-in-law? Through a medium.
What did the leper say to the hooker after sex? "You can keep the tip"
My new girlfriend really takes my breath away. She's inflatable.
I'm seeing this girl with eczema. She's got a cracking body.
I worried that my addiction to helter-skelters is spiralling out of control.
I'm about to have a cup of dangerous coffee. Safe tea first though.
I've just bought a load of cheap Harry Potter DVDs. They were only a Quidditch.
My friend's allergic to rice. He's basmatic.
My wife says she enjoys sex more whilst on holiday. Well, I can tell you, that was an awkward postcard to receive.
I walked into the living room today and the wife had a box of Daz on top of the T.V.. I asked her why, she replied "there's was no Ariel".
I took the missus to a restaurant last night. I said "do you like peppa pig?". She said "yeah". I said "waiter some pepper over here please".
I asked 100 women "What shampoo do you use whilst showering?" 98% of them asked me to get out of the shower.
Today I went to toilet without my phone. There's 178 tiles in the bathroom.
The man who invented Chinese whispers has died. Pass it on...
"Your underwear is too tight and very revealing" I said to my wife. She said "Wear your own then, dickhead".
Lad asks Granny "Have you seen my pills,they were labelled LSD?" Granny replies "fook the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"
Grandad leant over to Grandma "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?" Grandma "Put a new battery in your hearing aid"
What's the worst thing about your girlfriend being pregnant? Having to tell your wife.
Wife gets naked & asks hubby 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks at her & replies'Your sense of humour!'
A boxer complains to his doctor about insomnia. Doc "Have you tried counting sheep?" Boxer "Yes, but whenever I get to 9, I stand up"
Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging free. It's women who make it hard.
Two sausages in a frying pan. One says "it's hot in here!" The other says "bugger me a talking sausage!!"
Breaking News! Ne ws
My wife's a sex object. Everytime I ask for sex, she objects.
My wife said I only ever want sex with her when I'm drunk. That's not true. I usually want a kebab aswell.
I love eBay! I sold my homing pigeon eight times last month.
I went to the doctors the other day, complaining about my sore feet. He said "gout! "I said "fuck off, I've only just walked in!"
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it. It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Just seen that there's a nudist convention on in town next week. Might go if I've got nothing on.
I went in to a pet shop and said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is".
Went to an Indian restaurant last night and had a pelican curry. Food was ok, but the bill was enormous!
Made a chicken salad today. The little prick didn't eat it.
I've just been outside helping a guy in a black robe with a scythe clear the frost off his car. I was de-icing with death.
How does Batman's mum call him to dinner? "Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, Batman"
I went bobsleighing last night. I killed 15 people called Bob.
Whats the difference between a ginger fanny & a cricket ball? If you try really hard, Really really hard, You can eat a cricket ball.
What has four legs and flies? A dead hamster.
Two monkeys are getting into a bath. One goes: "ooh ohh ah ah ah ah" The other says: "We'll put some cold in then".
What have David Beckham and Ferrero Rocher got in common? They both come in a posh box.
Bought the missus a vibrator for her birthday. She's done nothing but moan ever since.
Our Brazilian housekeeper is rubbish at making the beds. She's very tidy downstairs though.
What's the difference between love & herpes? Herpes lasts forever.
I was so cold today that my jaw started to freeze. So I gritted my teeth.
What do you call a whale with no pants on? Free Willy.
Last week I bought a fridge magnet. They really work. So far I've got 11 fridges.
My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go she goes shopping.
What's the difference between erotic & kinky? Erotic is using a feather; kinky is using the whole chicken.
My wife and I have what we call Olympic Sex! Sounds great doesn't it! It's not really, it only happens once every four years.
How does Steven Hawking recover from a hangover? He presses F5.
I've got a friend named Jay. We call him J for short.
Apparently most dogs in Korea are inbred. Like in a sandwich or something.
I've got a dog called Curiosity.
What is the main cause of divorce? Marriage.
My Korean friend died last week. So Yung.
My wife's so fat, when she fell�down�the�stairs�I thought East Enders was ending.
Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and spade.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
Last night I got my laxatives mixed up with my viagra tablets. I didn't know whether I was coming or going.
What does the dentist of the year get? A little plaque.
I had to tell my patient I'd dreadfully messed up his plastic surgery. I'll never forget the look on his elbow.
Tampax are releasing a limited edition, egg shaped tampon. It's for the Easter period only.
I tell you what I love doing, trying to fit a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
Why can't you borrow money from a midget? Because they're always a little short!
I just saw on the news 'Missing girl found safe' What I wanna know is. Could she crack it?
What's a twack? Something a twain wuns on.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Whilst having sex I suddenly stopped and didn't move. Wife said 'What are you doing?" I said I've seen this on PornHub it's called buffering.
How doe's a Yorkshire man say "it isn't in the tin?" "Tin tin tin".
I just got a hair cut, now I'm thinking about getting all the others cut too.
They say the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag. So I poke the mrs and say put the kettle on fatty.
My wife was crying because the clothes in a +size catalogue wouldn't fit her. "Don't let it get you down" I said, "you're bigger than that".
I said to the chemist: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She keeps waking up.'
My neighbour has at last forgiven me for flashing my bum at her. She's over the moon.
My wife just left me because of my obsession with cricket. It's really hit me for 6.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Me: When I was younger I was given a choice, a long penis or a good memory. Wife: Which one did you choose? Me: I can't remember.
I got an e-mail saying 'At Google Earth we can read maps backwards! 'I thought, "That's just spam."
Breaking News: A mass fight has broken out in a petrol station. 23 People arrested in Total.
I was woken at 3 o'clock this morning by my burglar alarm. "Time to go out robbing," I yawned.
Chickens don't have friends. They only have pen pals.
I've designed a plane made entirely from rubber, so that when it crashes, it bounces. It's a Boing 747.
I used to be very indecisive!! But now I'm not so sure.
Reptiles are so enthusiastic! They're always up for it, right from the gecko!
How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Today I have officially been sober for 100 days. Not like, in a row or anything. Just in total.
What have women & a building society account got in common? Once you withdraw you loose interest.
I've been told I'm not ambitious enough. If only there was an olympic sport for being a lazy bastard. That bronze medal would be mine.
I used to think that my girlfriend not wearing any knickers under her skirt would be sexy, until I saw the skidmarks on my sofa.
The first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule, so we have an even number of rules.
My girlfriend has this weird, sick, demented sexual fetish. Cuddling.
I just gave my cat some 7UP. Now he's got 16 lives.
I work in McDonald's and a customer was rude to me today, so I got him back by not putting any Coke in his drink. Just ice was served.
I'm sure it was my two-year-old son who stole my pen. It's written all over his face.
I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underpants looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.
Some guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour." I said, "You've got the wrong house then mate."
My friend has got an excellent nose for wine. It's shaped like a corkscrew.
If there's one thing that makes me throw up its a dartboard on the ceiling!
Mopeds are like fat birds! It's loads of fun until your mates find out you've ridden one.
I can't help being lazy. It walks in the family.
My wife is going to the hair salon today. For the next few hours I'll be practising my reaction.
I'm not saying my wife's a fat bitch, but I've had to put all the chocolate biscuits well out of reach. On the floor.
Had a fight with an erection this morning. I beat it single handedly.
Why did the mechanic sleep under the car? He wanted to get up oily in the morning.
My wife accused me of having OCD. I soon put her in her place.
I just finished my degree in ballet, I got a 2:2
I'm in a heavy metal band. I play lead.
I don't mean to be pedantic, but does anyone actually have the 'Ghostbusters' number?
Standing in the paint aisle at the DIY centre always brings a tear to my eye. I can't help but get emulsional.
I'm so bad at relationships even my bag for life left me.
Some people have a way with words, Others not have way.
I just ate some mustard and had the strangest feeling that I had eaten it before. Dijon vu...
Sean Connery is 84 Roger Moore is 87 Pierce Brosnan is 61 Daniel Craig is 47. Ooh yeah.. I'm really into Bond age.
My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It's called a Lunch.
The wife & I decided to have a clear-out & have put all our dogging gear on eBay. We havent had any bids yet but theres thirty-four watchers
I just saw a great documentary earlier about how ships are kept together. It was riveting!
Is it just me or does anyone else want to be a window cleaner in Amsterdam?
Just got banned from B&Q, some dickhead in an orange apron came up to me and asked if I wanted decking! Lucky I got the first punch in.
I just bought a TV remote control with three buttons. I was surprised they let me pay with buttons.
A small boy swallowed some coins & was taken to hospital. His Mother phoned to ask how he was. The nurse said, 'There's no change yet'
There was an earthquake near the Galaxy chocolate factory this morning. It sent ripples through the whole building.
I've taken up speed reading. I can read 'War and Peace' in 20 seconds. It's only 3 words but it's a start.
How do you make a squirrel cry? Grab it's nuts.
Why dont blind men skydive? Because it scares the shit out of the dog.
I asked my gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
I just saw a sign in a shop'Mosquito nets �10'. It turns out he won it on a scratchcard.
After a bad day I came home to find that somebody has ripped the front & back pages from my dictionary. It just goes from bad to worse.
Miss piggy goes to the doctors;"Doctor why is it that every time I have my ladies week, I end up with a frog in my throat?"
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance? Nina.
One Bear(That's the bear minimum)
I was going to nail a shelf to my wall, but then I thought..Screw it!
Last night I accidentally saw the woman who lives next door masturbating naked on her bed. I was so shocked I fell out of the tree.
Celebrity Big Brother
What's the difference between Celebrity Big Brother and Big Brother? Nothing.
Wedding rings are the prettiest, tiniest, most expensive handcuffs ever.
I hit my wife in the face with a chocolate bar from 60 feet away. I've studied aerodynamics.
A cure for dyslexia? Now that would be music to my arse.
What word is always pronounced incorrectly? Incorrectly.
My wife's parking is unparallelled.
I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home. I didn't like being ordered around in that manor.
My girlfriend just asked me "When we go to Egypt, can we go on a Camel?" I said, "Fuck off, it would take ages to get there on a camel".
I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.
I live for my alarm clock collection. It's the only reason I get up in the morning.
My car failed it's emissions test today! Fuming.
I think we're in for a bad spell of wether.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.
Did you hear about the two gay ghosts? They put the willies up each other.
What food kills a woman's sex drive? Wedding cake.
What did the banana say to the vibrator? "What are you shaking for?" "she's going to eat me!"
Was driving down the motorway yesterday in a hearse. Police pulled me over for undertaking.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on!
I've told the wife I'm going dry for January.�I really can't be arsed with foreplay.
Last night I bought an alcoholic ginger beer. He wasn't happy about it.
I remember 2015 like it was yesterday.
Saw a psychic yesterday but after 30 mins of her constantly laughing at me I punched her in the face. I always like to strike a happy medium.
My wife said she was in the mood for something a bit unusual in the bedroom tonight. So I dragged the dishwasher up there.
My son has just come home with a settee and two chairs. I'm fuming! I've told him not to accept suites from strangers!
Just turned on the TV to see Sydney and Tokyo have already started celebrating the New Year. Fucking idiots, it doesn't start until midnight
My New Year's resolutions are: 1. Stop making lists. B. Be more consistent.7. Learn to count.
My new years resolution is to stop using spray on deodorant! Roll on 2016.
I'm in a same-sex marriage. The sex is always the same.
So I was getting into my car, & this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it"
What's blue and comes in pints? A Whale.
My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'
The jumper I got for Xmas kept picking up static electricity so I took it back to the shop & exchanged it for another one. Free of charge.
Last night I saw a fat lad chatting up a fat girl. She turned him down though. She was worried he was just trying to get into her Snickers
What's the difference between inlaws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
Happy New Year everyone... Think I may have premature congratulation.
Statistics show the average person has sex 89 times per year. Looks like I'm in for an incredible few days.
I was working in a library & this bloke came up to me & said "Do you have a bookmark?"�I said "Yes, we have hundreds, but my name's Dave"
What do Transvestites do for Christmas? Eat, Drink, and be Mary
I had to chase a mugger after he stole my wallet. He gave me a run for my money.
Comas make a big difference in a sentence. For example, Ben is in a hurry. Ben is in a coma.
"Describe yourself in three words." "Lazy."
What's black and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre
What's the difference between three dicks and a joke? Your mum can't take a joke.
So my girlfriend told me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter. Well I've got some news for her.
What are the benefits of moving to Switzerland? Well, the flag's a big plus!
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors.
A sexy bird looked at my beer belly today and sarcasticly asked "Is it Fosters or Stella?" I replied "there's a tap underneath, taste it!"
To all those friends I bought a book for this Christmas, just a reminder they're due back at the library next tuesday!
I've been invited round a neighbours for a pre Christmas drink with nibbles. They treat that fucking cat like royalty.
Patient: 'Doctor, I can't stop singing Sexbomb, sexbomb.' Doctor: "you've got Tom Jones disease." Patient: 'is it common?' Doctor: "It's not unusual."
Viagra won't make you James Bond but it will make you Roger Moore.
I've just been told that a new belt and a new bag are not great Xmas presents by the wife! Even though her Hoover picks up superbly now..
Why were ET's eyes so big? He saw the phone bill.
Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
A Jehovah's Witness gave me an advent calendar. The first door I opened there were two of them standing behind it.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, but can play the piano really well? Clever Dick
If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced. That's why people with no sense of humour have an increased sense of self-importance
I hate double standards. If a girl sleeps with loads of guys she's considered a "slut". Yet if a guy does it he's considered a "homosexual"
The inventor of predictive text has died. His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
What's a woman & KFC got in common? Once you've finished with the breast & thigh all you've got left is a greasy box to stick your bone in.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: 'Enter Juliet from the rear'
A shipment of Viagra was hijacked last week. Police are looking for two hardened criminals.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig. It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.
Recent research has shown that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy.
"I bet you can wrap presents with your eyes shut" I said to my wife. "I probably could" she laughed. "Great I'll just go & get yours" I said.
Why did Humpty Dumpty push Mrs Humpty Dumpty off the wall? So he could see her crack.
Why doesn't Barbie get pregnant? Because Ken comes in a different box.
Walking the dog in the cemetery & I saw a man crouching behind a headstone. I shouted 'morning!'He replied 'no mate, just taking a shit'
On the way to work I crashed my car into the back of another, a dwarf got out & said 'I'm not happy!!'I said 'well which one are you then?'
Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air! But then I think, how would I catch them?
Jonathan Ross was arrested this morning for stealing kitchen utensils. He said it was a whisk worth taking.
I've just stolen loads of swimming inflatables. I'd better lilo for a while..
Bought my mum a fridge for Christmas. You should've seen her face light up when she opened it.
What's better than eating a mandarin? Eating Amanda out.
The Mrs left me because of my obsession with Phil Collins. Well take a look at me now...
How does Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker has got for Christmas? He felt his presents.
I just ordered a chicken and an egg off Amazon. I'll let you know...
Since my mate had his neck brace fitted he's never looked back.
Some guy said to me 'why are you carrying a 9ft book?' I said 'Its a long story'
I used to live in a tyre, but it got a puncture. Now I just live in a flat.
My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight. She needs to lighten up.
Mary and Joseph. Now they had a stable relationship.
Why did the duck get arrested? Because he was selling quack!
Three blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would've seen it..
I bought some 'Jamie Oliver Sausages' yesterday. On the packet it said 'Prick with a fork'I thought, can't argue with that!
Don't kiss your wife with a runny nose. You might think it's funny, but it's snot.
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?' I said "No, permanent."
I'm really overdrawn at the bank and they keep phoning me and leaving voicemails. I wish they'd just leave me a loan.
What's green and smells of pork? Kermits finger.
My Mrs was moaning about my obsession with sport so I booked us a table for 8pm. Disaster! By 9pm she still hadn't potted a single ball.
What do you call a bullet proof scouser? Kev Laa!
What do a dwarf and a midget have in common? Very little.
My girlfriend text me earlier "Why don't you ever put an x at the end of your texts?" I replied, "Sorry babe. Michelle."
What's the first sign of madness? Suggs walking up your driveway...
The downside of being a bomb disposal technician? It takes me six hours to open my Christmas presents.
George Michael has been found with a chocolate bar up his arse. Apparently it was a careless wispa.
My wife keeps complaining about my premature ejaculation, she took it on the chin at first but now it just gets on her tits.
What have George Michael and wellies got in common? They both get sucked off in bogs.
I could never work in the Job centre. Imagine if you got fired! You'd still have to show up the next day.
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Unless he's a Vegetarian. Then you can get there through his vagina.
Spent all day looking through my U2 CD collection for my favourite song. Still haven't found what im looking for.
I bought a Prince CD today. Cost me �20, but I partied like it was �19:99.
What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be "Doesn't understand instructions"
Really cheesed off. Every morning a huge German Shepherd shits on my front lawn. Today, to make matters worse, he brought his dog.
My teacher threw sodium chloride at me. That's a salt!
Gutted the wife has left me! She's took the Sky Box and all my Bob Marley records too. No woman no Sky
We always called my grandad Spiderman. It's not because he had any superpowers, he just couldn't get out of the bath.
Can anyone remember? What was the name of the big bird in Sesame Street?
My wife told me that women were better at multitasking than men. I said to sit down and shut up. Guess what? She couldn't do do either!
My scouse mate has just got his kids a trampoline & a few bikes for Xmas. I asked him which website he saw them on. He replied Google Earth
What is the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods? Santa stops at 3 ho's!
Came home to find all my doors had been smashed in and everything was gone. What sort of sick person does that to someone's advent calendar?
My wife asked me if we could have something more 'Christmassy' on the television. So I put Fifa on and played in snowy conditions.
Marks And Spencers new advert states that it wouldn't be Christmas without M&S. They're right too. It'd be Chrita.
Still can't believe my mate died last week. He overdosed on Viagra. His wife took it really hard.
It's close between Tyson Fury & Andy Murray for the BBC Sports Personality trophy. I reckon the Gypsy will just nick it.
Got the wife a prosthetic leg for Christmas. It's not her main present, just a stocking filler.
I just read about a dwarf being pick pocketed in the news. How could someone stoop so low!
At a job interview "What are your strengths?" "I'm an optimist and a positive thinker" "Can you give me an example?" "Yes, when do I start?"
I've just invented a new word:"Plagiarism".
Worried this Christmas as our dyslexic office junior has organised a secret satan.
How do you make a Pirate angry? Take away the P
The boss of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia while trekking across the Antarctic. Medics say he needed a second coat.
Will I have an open casket at my funeral? Remains to be seen.
I fell over laughing and got trapped in the trouser press. Creased myself.
I can't believe my best friend has died doing what he loved. He was a respected and popular skydiver. Really down to earth guy.
"Doctor, doctor, I've lost my memory." "When did this happen?" "When did what happen?"
What begins with T, ends with T, and has T in it? A teapot.
Bought my girlfriend slippers and a dildo for Christmas. If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself!
The Wife was watching a cookery show. I said "What the fuck you watching that for, you can't cook?" She said "You watch porn, you Fat Bastard".
Asked the wife to make me happy and sad at the same time. She told me that my dick was bigger than my brothers!
Did you know that some saltwater crocodiles can grow up to 20 feet! But most only have 4.
My pet bird has lost its voice. Please retweet.
My friends were amazed when I told them I can predict the future using herbs. "Is it true?" they asked..' Only thyme will tell' I replied.
I saw this really fit girl in the nightclub last night and she was wearing a chessboard patterned shirt. So, I made a move on her.
My girlfriend wanted perfume & jewellery for her birthday, but I got her a chocolate egg & a toy instead. She was kinder surprised.
I work as a waiter. The pay isn't great but I put food on the table.
My new girlfriend lets me lick anything off her! Butter, jam, cheese, you name it she lets me lick it off her. She's a cracker.
News just in. The guy who took an airline company to court over his missing luggage has lost his case.
Gambling has brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house.
Milk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
My mum says you are what you eat. That's funny, cause I haven't eaten any sexy beasts recently.
To neigh or not to neigh. That is equestrian.
I used to know how to make those little fizzy sweets, but then I forgot. So I went on a Refresher course
My talking dog gave me a stick the other day and told me he found it 600 miles away.I thought that's a bit far-fetched.
"Knock Knock." "Who's there?" "It's the police, sir." "You'll have to wait, I'm having a shit." "We know, sir, the phone booth has glass sides."
Britain has won the Davis Cup for the first time since 1936. Coincidentally, that's the last time anyone gave a fuck.
Have you heard about those new alphabet hand grenades? If one of those goes off it could spell 'disaster'
My penis fell off, so I gave the wife a bollocking.
Why doesn't Santa smoke? It's bad for his elf!
What's the difference between your wages and your penis? You don't have to convince your wife to blow your wages.
I gave all my dead batteries away today... Free of charge.
First rule of Thesaurus Club. You don't talk, converse, discuss, speak, chat, deliberate, confer, gab, gossip or natter about Thesaurus Club
I woke up with a face full of rice. I must've fallen asleep as soon as my head hit the pilau.
How does a muppet die? It Kermits suicide.
I swallowed some Tippex last night. I woke up this morning with a massive correction.
I told my doctor that every time I cross into another country I have to get drunk. He said I was border-line alcoholic.
Broken Quiz Machine For Sale: No questions asked.
My wife is on a tropical food diet, the house is full of the stuff. It's enough to make a mango crazy.
I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
I asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said "wii".
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.
A referee walked into a bar. I thought it's all gonna kick off now.
I can tell that my skincare jokes have made you cry because of how moisturiser.
Why did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the other side.
What do you call a singing laptop? Adele.
I was arguing with my girlfriend in Nandos when my best mate ran off with the garlic bread & coleslaw! I wish he would stop taking sides.
So what do you know about dwarfs then? Very little.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
I've just got back from a friend's funeral. He died after he was hit in the head by a tennis ball. It really was a wonderful service.
My friend came to me and said, "Thanks for lending me the Fight Club DVD! "I was like, "Don't mention it."
I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Just bought myself a universal remote control. I thought to myself "This changes everything.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road"
I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.
Our local cinema is showing a special version of the latest James Bond film, just for dyslexics. Respect.
Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with "When I was little?"
A funeral was held today for the inventor of air conditioning. Thousands of fans attended.
My wife left me for a weather man. She'll be mist.
Just been sacked from my job as a chef for stealing. I've always been whisk taker.
Why do women hold a grudge against you for many years if you call them fat? Because elephants never forget.
Me: Sorry boss can't come in today my car has broken down. Boss: What about the bus? Me: I don't have a bus.
Just been threatened by my housemate for stealing his clothes. I nearly shit his pants.
To anyone suffering from paranoia. You're not alone.
What's long and hard and has cum in it? A cucumber!
My family are worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's ok though, I know where to draw the line
Just told my joke about Peter Pan again. Never gets old.
I know a guy who's in denial about his addiction to brake fluid. He says he can stop at any time.
One of my friends is a really hardcore raver. She keeps trying to make me rave with her, and she won't techno for an answer.
Just knocked over my Sports Direct mug and flooded my entire house.
Difference between an egg and a wank? You can beat an egg.
I was going to tell you a gay joke, butt fuck it.
What's the difference between a fridge and a vagina? The fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out.
What do cheap hotels and tight pants have in common? No ballroom.
I was given a leaflet the other day on anger management. I lost it.
Why did Lionel clean his room? Because it was Messi.
My internet bride got delivered today. She's the WiFi always dreamed of.
How do you make your missus scream after an orgasm? Wipe your willy on the curtains.
My pet mouse 'Elvis' died last night. He was caught in a trap.
What's the difference between 'light' and 'hard'? You can fall asleep with a light on!
Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today. Should have put it on aloha setting.
What's the difference between jam and jelly? You can't jelly your dick up your girlfriend's arse!
I'm not saying you're a slag, but even your knickers label say Next..
My mate's been offered a job in North Korea. He's going to take it, but I think it's a bad Korea move.
Met a girl in a bar last night. She said: "Hi I'm Yvette". I said "Hi I'm an Accountant".
Woke up today to find someone had dumped 2 tonnes of topsoil on my vegetable patch. The plot thickens.
A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water. Schwepped her off her feet.
Always remember what my late Grandad said to me. 'Sorry I'm late'
A dwarf walked into a library and asked for a book on irony. The librarian said "Yes, it's on the top shelf"
I told my girlfriend she'd drawn her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.
Iron Man is a superhero. Iron Woman is a command.
What happened when customers complained about the bright lights in the Chinese restaurant? The manager decided to dim sum.
Have you seen the new film called Constipation? It hasn't come out yet.
Why do cows lie down together when it rains? To keep each udder dry.
One in every two and a half men are HIV positive.
My dog only responds to commands in Spanish. He's Espanyol.
Why do most men die before their wives? They want to.
What's the difference between a hooker and a wife? One's contract, the other is pay-as-you-go.
At weddings old people always poke me and say you'll be next! It's so annoying! So, I've started doing the same to them at funerals.
A banana & a vibrator are lying on a bed. The banana turns to the vibrator and says; "I don't know why your shaking, they're gonna eat me!"
Today I broke my personal record of consecutive days alive!
My wife left me because she said I was obsessed with plants. I asked her "where's this stemming from petal?"
My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I'm going to miss him.
What's a Scottish football fan's favourite movie? Home Alone.
I've been sleeping with my girlfriend and her twin, but luckily I can tell them apart. Her brother has a moustache.
Jimmy Saville, Rolf Harris & Stuart Hall walk into a pub in Ireland. Barman says "not yew tree again"
My window cleaner was banging on my window shouting and swearing. I thought to myself: he's lost his rag.
I've just poured superglue into a non-stick pan. Someone's going to be wrong.
My mate has swallowed some Lego. The doctor's aren't too worried, but he's shitting bricks.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seats cause kids.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan
How much room is needed for fungi to grow? As mushroom as possible.
My waitress threw sodium chloride at me. She was arrested and charged with a salt.
BREAKING NEWS: A lorry containing Vanish has overturned in Middlesex causing Staines to completely disappear.
I see someone is selling all their dogging gear on eBay. There's no buyers but I've noticed that there's 126 watchers!
"What a truly inspirational man that Steve Jobs was" said my mate. "What is your favourite Apple product?" he asked. "Cider, " I replied.
My Nan has found a lump in each of her breasts. Turns out it was just her knees.
Women are like fine wines. You can get them cheaper if you go abroad.
A woman walked into a library and asked for a book on euphemisms. So the librarian took her up the rear aisle and let her have it.
Never trust a man with a bald head. For all you know, he could've been a Ginger!!
My doctor asked if I was sexually active. I said "Define active, there are volcanoes classed as active that haven't gone off in centuries"
No matter how big your smartphone's screen is, you still have to scroll down to see Chelsea's position in the league table.
What do you call a fat psycic? A four chin teller
My wife has left me, she says I love football more than I love her. I'm gutted, we've been together ten seasons!
My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games. What a ridiculous thing to Fallout 4.
An insect flew into our kitchen last night, flew around and then exploded. I think it was a jihadi long legs.
The boss of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia whilst trekking across the Antarctic. Medics say he needed a second coat.
My daughter asked "Why is the soap in the shower hanging on a rope?"�I replied "Because it has seen your mother naked."
I love elevator jokes. They work on so many levels.
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison.
You can't run through a camp site. You can only ran, because it's past tents.
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo I had to put my foot down.
Dad: Where can I get a potato clock? Son: Why a potato clock?!? Dad: I've got a new job and my boss said I need to get-a-potato-clock
Why did Star Wars' episodes 1, 2 and 3 come after episodes 4, 5 and 6? Because Head of Planning Yoda was.
I used to be a tap dancer but I kept falling in the sink.
I went to a legless disco last night. It was crawling with fanny.
I love playing that game where you knock on people's door and run away. It's called Yodel.
The invention of the shovel was ground-breaking.
My mate just asked me if he could put a teabag in my mouth and fill me with boiling water. He must think I'm some kind of mug.
I've bought the wife a transparent bath. It'll save me a fortune on taking the kids to Sea World.
I've finally come to accept I'm dyslexic and I'll always be dyslexic. A Leotard can't change its spots.
Lionel Messi goes up girl in a club and says "Get your coat, you've pulled" she replies "Wow, you're a little forward"
Some mornings I wake up bitchy. Other mornings I just let her sleep...
Watson: Why are you painting the front door yellow? Holmes: A lemon entry my dear Watson!
Mrs says I have a short attention spanners are great aren't they!
Check this one out:1.
Doesn't matter if your cup is half full or half empty, point is: You need to buy a different size bra.
Outside my local school, the kids were selling chocolate to raise money for eczema awareness, so I bought a flake.
A survey was conducted into why men like blow jobs: 10% liked the feeling, 12% liked the dominance, 78% liked 20 minutes of fucking silence.
What's a pirate's favourite sex position? Up the Arrrrrrse!
What animal what you like to be on a really cold day? A little Otter
"Hurt Myself" By Amin Payne
"The Constant Book Reader" By Paige Turner
I have a phobia of trampolines, I can't help it they always make me jump.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick
What do you call an Indian peeping tom? Mustafa Ganda
Knock knock...Who's there? The doorbell repair man.
My wife stood in front of the mirror:"I'm massive" she moaned. "Will you help me?" "Of course," I said, as I moved the mirror further away.
Went to see the worst faith healer ever last night. He was so bad, a bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out.
I got arrested for impersonating a firework. They let me off.
What's a foot long, made of leather and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe
My friend asked me if I wanted to go to a nudist colony with him later. I said "I've got nothing on, I might as well"
On my recent visit to the seaside I spent ages trying to figure out how to use the arcade machine. Then the penny dropped.
What do you call an Asian receptionist? Tai Ping
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
Somebody just threw a bottle of omega 3 capsules at me. I only have super fish oil injuries but I'm lucky I wasn't krilled!
Why did the woman cross the road? To go back to the first clothes shop she was in 3 hours ago.
There once was a man called Dave, who dug up a prostitutes grave, she was covered in shit and missing a tit but look at the money he saved!
My sister has a new job, but it's hard to say what she does. She sells sea shells on the seashore.
My penis was in a world record book once. Until the librarian told me to take it out.
I just dropped my iPhone in the bath. It's syncing.
I saw a girl texting while driving and it really pissed me off, so I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.
There should be a children's song called "if you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep".
I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said: Are you two an item?
What's the difference between purple and pink? The grip.
Need an ark? I Noah guy.
Crashed my dads new car into a lemon tree! He's still bitter about it
A truck full of Viagra was stolen today. Police are on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals.
My brother got hit by a bus and had both of his legs amputated. Now he's my Half-Brother.
Why can't T-Rex clap its hands? Because they're extinct.
A lion would never cheat on his wife. But a Tiger Wood.
Don't pick on fat people! They have enough on their plates.
Once I beat up the school bully with a baseball bat. Both his arms were completely broken, which is what gave me the courage to do it.
I was walking along today, and on the road I saw a small dead baby ghost. Although thinking about it, it might have been a handkerchief.
I supplied filofaxes to the Mafia. Yeah, I was involved in very organised crime.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
The first guy who persuaded a blind person they needed sunglasses - he must have been a hell of a salesman.
"Irish Sniper" By Rick 'O' Shea
"Haunted House" By Hugo First
"Plastering for Beginners" By Phil Mcraken
I needed a password that was eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the seven dwarfs.
I was playing chess with my friend when he said "let's make things interesting", so we stopped playing chess.
I'm on a whisky diet. Last week I lost three days!
What do you do if a bird shits on your car? Don't take her out again
I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a 'proper' present.
My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said: "Alright, fatty?"
I've got a friend whose nickname is 'shagger'. You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.
I'm not saying Michael Jackson was guilty. But if I was a billionaire paedophile, I'd buy a funfair for my back garden.
I used to date a dyslexic girl. I took her home and she ended up cooking my sock.
I used to be a schizophrenic. But we're okay now.
"How To Keep Fit" By Jim Nastics
"Keep on Trying" By Percy Veer
Behind every fat woman there is a beautiful woman. No seriously move! You're in the way!
I'm struggling to write a porn movie. There's just too many holes in the plot.
German sausages. They're the Wurst.
"I Love Maths" By Adam Up.
What's going on with the weather? I haven't the foggiest.
I went to a dyslexic rave last night. I took three F's.
How do you make a hormone? Don't pay her.
Just had a steering wheel removed from my penis. It was driving me nuts.
I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance.So I pushed her over.
Two lesbians barged into the house & started wrestling with my wife while she was in the bath. I tried to help but I could only knock one out.
What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Punch her in the face
I'm sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice.�My gondolences.
My girlfriend asked me earlier when I last had sex with someone that wasn't her? I said:"Back in 08". It sounds much better than 'August'
Whenever i watch The Titanic I get a sinking feeling.
The worst thing about owls is the way that they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Paddy and Mick are in a plane. Paddy asks "If we do a loop, will we fall out?" "No" replies Mick "We'll still be pals!"
How can you tell if a girl is ticklish? Give her a test-tickle.
My girlfriend is getting pretty angry that I never put the toilet seat down! To be fair I am getting tired of carrying it around!
What's the difference between a candle and a curry? A candle only burns at one end.
What do you call a wrestler in a hurry? The overtaker.
Two lorries carrying playing cards have crashed. Police are dealing with the incident.
I'm really starting to hate these stupid little Russian Dolls. They're so full of themselves.
My wife left me because of my obsession with Star Wars. Regret that she will.
Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.
Ever had sex while camping? It's intents.
Did you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped.
Simba was walking too slow, so I told him to Mufasa!
I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
Me and my recliner go way back.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it. It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Frozen sculptures look quite good, icy pose.
I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery. I've had it right up to here with them.
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle? Wipe it off and apologise.
How do you wake up Lady Gaga? Poke her face.
Me and my mates are in a band called Duvet. We're a cover band.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit.
I play triangle for a reggae band. It's pretty casual. I just stand at the back and ting.
What do u call a cold burrito? A brrrrrrrito
Went swimming. Had a wee in the deep end. Lifeguard blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in.
I can hear opera coming from my wallet. I think it might be the 3 tenners.
Got a new aftershave called bread crumbs! The birds love it!!
What's the difference between rude and crude? Rude is when you throw your underpants at the wall, crude is when they stick to it.
A new aftershave is out on the Market. Will get you any girl you want! Guaranteed! Eau de Chloroform! It's a knock-out!
What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper
Paddys wife shouts:"Did you find the shampoo?" He answers:"Yes, but I'm not sure what to do.. it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine"
My landlord said "Your obsession with cats is out of control and I can't handle it anymore!" I cried "What... You're kicking Meeeeowt?"
PARACHUTE FOR SALE! As new, unopened - small red patch
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
I've heard a rumour that Cadburys is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar? Could be a Chinese Wispa.
Wife said she was going to leave me if I continued to sing Oasis. I said maybe...
Knock Knock! Trick or Treat? What've you come as? A Werewolf. You've got normal clothes on? Well it's not a full moon yet, is it, dickhead?
Tonight is the night the missus wears crotchless pants! Not for me though! Its to get a better grip on her broom.
I was at a club, they played jump! So I jumped, played twist & shout, so I twisted & shouted! They played come on Eileen & they kicked me out.
Just in Tesco and I put my veggies in with my Nintendo. Now my Wii smells of asparagus.
Opened a tin of meat. Soon as I opened it 20 more tins appeared... Bloody spam.
I was accused of ruining a family portrait, but I swear I was framed.
My mate just said "there's only one thing that a scares me about Halloween". I asked "which is?". "Exactly" he replied.
I like to wear my glasses when I'm having sex. That way my eyes are protected from the pepper spray.
Smoking may shorten your lifespan. But it will lengthen your lunch break.
My wife hasn't said a word to me in 6 days. What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.
I was on a plane and the air hostess said, "Want some headphones?" I said, "Blimey. How'd you guess that my name is Phones?"
I just melted an ice cube by staring at it. Took a bit longer than I thought it would, though.
Why didn't the skeleton ask the witch to the ball? Because he didn't have the guts.
I recently visited Satan and stole his wig. He said they'd be hell toupee.
Guy who owned Odeon cinemas has passed away. His funeral is on Monday @ 2:10, 4:20 & 8:40
What's a ghosts favorite dessert? Ice Scream.
Gonna dress up as a Champions League trophy for Halloween and go around scaring Arsenal fans.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the ball? He had nobody to go with.
I always look forward to watching a good game of football on Halloween. There is always the chance of plenty of Ghouls.
What do gay ghosts give each other? The Willies.
After giving my son two karate lessons, he said he didn't want any more. Still, at least I got my car washed and my fence painted.
Why do ghosts enjoy riding in elevators? It raises their spirits.
Why don't mummies go on holiday? They're afraid to relax and unwind.
What is a ghost's favourite ride? A roller-ghoster.
What kind of horses do ghosts ride? Nightmares! 
What does Barbie like to do at Halloween? Pump Ken
How do ghosts keep fit? With regular exorcise!
Why did Dracula's mother give him cough medicine? Because he was having a coffin fit.
What does a skeleton order at a restaurant? Spare ribs.
What do you get if you cross a witch and an iceberg? A cold spell.
How do vampires fall in love? Love at first bite!
Why don't monsters eat clowns? Because they taste funny!
Looking into becoming a hitman, I heard those people make a killing.
You know you watch too much porn when you go to a hospital expecting a blowjob.
The inventor of throat lozenges has died. There'll be no coffin at his funeral.
I've been searching for my stolen bed for two days! I won't rest until I've found it.
My wife was addicted to mud wrestling. She's been clean now for 6 months.
What's a vampires favourite fruit? A nectarine.
Persuaded my wife to smuggle coke through customs by sticking it up her arseI didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge
You can't call it Viagra anymore! Copyright law! You now have to use it's proper medical name. Mycoxafloppin
Police are looking for a man on suspicion of beastiality. He was last seen yesterday at 10:00am getting into a Jaguar.
My wife accused me of being a transvestite. So I packed her things and left.
I got my cock out for the wife "Do you like my new piercing?" After a few seconds she said "Wheres the piercing then?" I said "In my ear".
What's a skeletons favourite shop? The Body Shop.
What do ghosts use to wash their hair? ShamBoo.
Whoever decided to call it anal bleaching instead of changing your ringtone really missed out on an opportunity.
I left my last girlfriend because she wouldn't stop counting. I often wonder what she's up to now.
To become a successful doctor you must have a lot of patients.
Whoever stole my body wash better come clean!
I still don't understand how Pi is 3142Am I missing the point?
What's got no teeth and smells? The gearbox in the wife's car...
Someone ripped the pages out of both ends of my dictionary today. It just goes from bad to worse!
If anyone ever tells you they've lost their voice, They're lying.
My cousin is a midget, he's relatively short.
I was walking down the road when I suddenly questioned. Who picks up a guide dog's shit?
Whiteboards are remarkable...
What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
When it comes to anagrams, I don't know my earholes from my arsehole.
Recent survey: 43% of people admitted to tixting wylst droving.
What do ghosts eat for dinner? Spooketti.
I've been diagnosed with agoraphobia. Get in!
My wife has had her panties stolen off the line! Fuming! U can keep the knickers but can we have the 40 pegs back please!
Mrs has run off with the milkman. Seeing them drive away on his milk float was the worst two hours of my life.
Have YOU had to walk 500 miles? Were you advised to walk 500 more? You could be entitled to compensation. Call the Pro Claimers NOW.
Wife said "if u get a tattoo make sure u have it done in a place that doesn't matter" So I'm off to Norwich...
I have an old Commodore locked away in the attic. That'll teach the him to dance on my ceiling!
Went to the park today to play frisbee with my dog but it was no fun. I need a flatter dog
Took a dip in the pool. Lifeguard said 'What you got there?' I said 'hummus'
Think we're in for a bad spell of wether.
My wife left me for a midget the other day. This broke my heart, I couldn't believe she would stoop so low..
My mate Sid's been a victim of ID theft. He's now called 'S'
My mate fucking hates his surname, Potato. Although not as much as his wife, Jackie does.
My dyslexia has reached a new owl.
Yesterday, a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships. Apparently 'In HD' wasn't the correct answer.
I just explained Google images to my mum: "Pick anything to search for" I told her. "What about a nice cream pie?" She asked
My car is so small that I overcompensate by having a large penis.
Why are ghosts so bad at lying? Because you can see right through them.
I'm not a fan of shopping centres. Once you've seen one, you've seen the mall.
There's a gang going though our town, systematically shoplifting clothes in size order. The police believe they're still at large.
I called NHS direct over a week ago about a problem with my ears. I still haven't heard anything!
Sometimes I use big words which I don't understand to make me seem more photosynthesis.
I went to the supermarket & said: "I'd like to make a complaint,this vinegar's got lumps in it". He replied: "Those are pickled onions."
How often is it appropriate to make chemistry jokes? I say periodically.
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
I broke my psychic's crystal ball. It cost me a fortune.
I got mugged earlier and they took my mood ring. I really don't know how I feel about that.
Just paid �5 for a strip of Velcro. What a rip off!
A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a drink. The bartender reply's "For you? No charge!"
I've just arrived in Australia to surprise my fianc�e. She's in London and the wedding's tomorrow.
Got thrown out of Dragons Den. Apparently asking Deborah Meaden to "Fuck off & get me a sandwich while the men talk business" is unacceptable.
My brother was jailed for his beliefs. He believed you could wank on the bus.
I asked my wife to act like a "naughty school girl". She forged a note from her mother saying she didn't have to participate.
The most common surname In China is Chang, correct me if you think that's Wong.
Don't waste your money on anti wrinkle cream. I have been using it for six months. My balls still look like walnuts.
Decaffeinated coffee is like a hooker that only wants to cuddle.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said, "Nothing would make me happier than diamond earrings." So I got her nothing.
A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
Tomorrow, I'm going to open up the time capsule I made when I was a kid. I can't wait to see how big my puppy is.
Why are Hurricanes named after women? Because when they come, they're wild and wet, and when they go they take your house and your car.
First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door. Funny sense of humour my plumber has...
Went shoplifting in a Disney Store. Got the biggest Buzz ever.
I love my wife, she always gives me 100% sound advice. 99% sound, 1% advice.
My friend's dad has just got a new pacemaker. He's a little Kenyan lad who runs ten metres in front of him.
My party trick is swallowing two pieces of string and an hour later they come out my arse tied together. I shit you knot.
How do you warm a room up thats just been painted? Give it a 2nd coat.
I had a dream I was swimming in a ocean of orange soda. Turns out it was just a Fanta Sea.
What did stevie wonder say when he got a cheese grater for Christmas? That's the most violent book I've ever read in my life!
I got my heavy goods licence today. My wife prefers to call it a marriage certificate.
My girlfriend was telling me that obesity is in her genes. I told her that it wasn't true as she looks like a fat cunt in a skirt as well.
My wife's leaving me because "Everything I say is irrelevant". Easy for her to say when her mum's sister has just bought a new coffee table.
My wife says we need to work hard on our relationship because of my immaturity. Hehe, she said hardon.
I just bought a new blindfold. Can't see myself wearing it though.
My wife asked me, "Did you eat my chocolate in the cupboard last night?" "No, don't be silly" I replied" I ate it on the sofa."
A girl just told me I've got a huge ego... I think she means cock.
Me and the wife decided to make our own sex tape. She was pissed off though when I started holding auditions for her part.
Out with the lads from OCD anonymous tonight. Things aren't gonna get messy.
I went to the doctor because everywhere I pressed hurt. Pressed my leg it hurt. My arm, it hurt. My head. Turns out I'd broken my finger.
How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus? Tentickles.
Just heard that Little Mix are playing Liverpool in December. They are expected to win 3-0.
My Mrs just asked me, "When we go to Egypt, can we go on a camel?" I said "Fuck off, it would take fucking ages to get there on a camel."
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher? She couldn't control her pupils.
Had some sad news, my Dutch ex girlfriend died last week, she liked to wear inflatable shoes. Apparently she popped her clogs.
How do you get a fat woman in bed? Piece of cake
My wife is going to a fancy dress party as a rastafarian and she's asked me to do her hair. I'm dreading it.
Some men think that using a moisturiser after you've had a shave is a bit gay. I don't, I just think it makes my legs lovely and soft.
I used to live in a tyre, but it got a puncture. Now I just live in a flat.
Lollipop ladies. They make me cross.
Which spice girl can hold the most petrol? Geri can
My girlfriend left me because of my fetish for touching pasta. Now shes gone im feeling cannelloni right now!!
They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction. My money's on Dave.
I went up to Mr. T and said, "I'm going to cook you a dessert." He said, "Try fool!" I said, "No, strawberry cheesecake, actually."
Two interesting facts about me. 1) My knob is the same length as 2 Argos pens. 2) I'm banned from Argos.
My girlfriend got in the shower with me. She said "Oooh baby, I want you to do bad things to me!" So I put shampoo in her eyes.
"What do we want?" "A cure for Tourettes" "When do we want it?" "Cunts!"
I bought my wife a Pug as a present. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.
I'm not saying my wife's a fat bitch. But I've had to put an energy-saving bulb in the fridge.
My mum laughed at me when I said I was going to make a car out of spaghetti. She soon shut up when I drove pasta.
Did you realise that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes" and a man's "I'll be home in five minutes" are exactly the same?
Why doesn't God like pizza? Because he doesn't exist.
They say one in every four men is gay, so there must be one in my group of friends. I hope it's Michael - he's super cute.
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said: "Call for backup."
How to workout your 'arsehole' name. Replace your first name with the word 'Piers' and your surname with the word 'Morgan'.
I said to my wife the other day "Why dont you tell me when you have an orgasm?" She said "I dont like to ring you at work."
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
My girlfriend is a porn star. She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out.
Klopp used to have the "Yellow Wall". Now he's going to have small pieces of red wall instead. Under his car, where the wheels used to be.
What do the donkeys in Blackpool get for their lunch? A half hour the same as everyone else.
"If women ruled the world," said my wife, "there'd be no wars." "That's true," I replied. "Wars require strategy and logic."
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only shorts made from Bubble wrap. The psychiatrist says "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Gynaecologist, at your cervix.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Hi, welcome to Fight Club. First of all, how did you hear about us?
What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen. What do you call a woman with one leg laying on the floor? Eileen Dover.
What do you call a man with a rabbit up his arse? Warren
What do you call a woman juggling 3 pints of beer? Beatrix. What do you call a woman juggling 3 pints playing snooker? Beatrix Potter
What do you call a man who used to be an artist? Drew
What do you call a Scottish man who works in a cloakroom? Angus Mccoatup
What do you call a cross dressing dinosaur? Trannysauras Rex
What do you call an obese Arab? Yafat Fuqa.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
What do you call a man with no arms or legs lying by front of the door? Matt
What do you call a man in a pile of leaves? Russell
What do you call a man that steals everyday? Robin Daley
What do you call a leper in a hot tub? Stu
What do you call a man with a haggis on his head? Scott
What do call a woman with a tortoise on her back? Shelley
What do you call a man with ham on his head? Hammed. What do you call a man with more ham on his head? Mohammed
What do you call a man with a car number plate on his head? Reg. What do you call his brother? R Reg
What do you call a man with 3 eyes? Seymour
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in water? Bob. What do you call a man swimming in water with no arms or legs? Clever Dick
How do you fix a massive violin? Chellotape
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea! What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea!
How do you make a snooker table laugh? Put your hand in its pocket and tickle it's balls.
Did you know that the people of Dubai don't like the Flintones? But Abu Dhabi do.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
I was ironing the curtains last night. Fell through the window!
Fell asleep at a party last night, and someone put a teabag in my mouth, i went mental! No one treats me like a mug.
What do you call a fish with three eyes? Fiiish
What do you call a large bloke with four faces and eight hands? Big Ben.
What do you call a wolf that swears? A swear wolf
How do you make a door laugh? Tickle it's knob.
I used to be an archaeologist. But my career ended in ruins.
Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong socks before I went for a walk.
I've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
I got kicked out of my local record store after enquiring about a Coldplay song. I only went looking for Trouble.
To whoever invented the zero: thanks for nothing.
Did you hear that two men went to prison for stealing a calendar? They both got six months
I worked as a stand up comedian in a old peoples home once. None of them understood my jokes but they still pissed themselves.
I can't believe pretzels are knot bread.
Dim light bulbs or bright light bulbs? Watts the difference.
I never question myself. Why should I start now?
I've just bought a load of cheap Harry Potter DVDs. They were only two Quidditch.
Did you hear about the angry gymnast? He just flipped.
What do you call a dodgy neighbourhood in Italy? A Spaghetto.
I just drank some WKD with ice in it. It was wicked.
Sometimes I watch football holding a PlayStation controller just to screw with girlfriends head.
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
I rang the council today to ask if I could have a skip outside my house? The bloke said "You can cartwheel around the block for all I care".
How do you find a blind man in a nudest colony? It isn't hard.
How many immature people does it take to change a light bulb? Your mum.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba-dum tish!
Past, Present and Future walked into a bar. It was tense.
My wife said to me, "I'm fed up with you being so lazy, pack your bags and leave." I said, "You pack them."
Accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares. Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Wind turbines. I'm a big fan.
Rick Astley asked if he could borrow my Pixar films? "Ok" I said. "Here's Toy Story, Cars & Finding Nemo but I'm never gonna give you Up"
Why is Pingu's dad always ironing when none of them wear clothes?
I see Boomerangs are making a comeback.
Last weekend, they held a minute's silence at the Etihad Stadium. It blended in nicely with the other 89.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. It was a trip down memory lane.
What sits at the bottom of the sea and shivers? A nervous wreck.
How did the burger wear it's hair? In a bun.
I asked Sean Connery whats his favourite London landmark was? "Shard". I know it is mate but just give it a go..
I could of been a snooker player, but no one gave me a break.
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".
The History Channel +1. Where History repeats itself.
What time is it when you see an elephant sitting on your tv? Time to buy a new tv.
I'd love to get into herb gardening. I just don't have the thyme.
You're telling me I need to study? No thanks I'll pass.
Want to hear a joke about pizza? Never mind it's too cheesy.
I went to the shop to buy some camouflage trousers earlier. But I couldn't find any.
Why was the pube angry? Because it was pissed off.
Innuendo, an Italian suppository.
Doctor said I had jelly, custard and sponge in my ears. Explains why I was a trifle deaf.
My wife left me because she said I'm obsessed with the muppets. Apparently, I'm not ready for a kermitment.
Found a joke in the bin today. It was rubbish.
Whats pink and wrinkly, and hangs out your pants? Your Mum.
Quasimodo goes to the pub and says "Scotch whiskey please". Barman says "Bell's alright?" Quasi says "Mind your own business".
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
Why is peter pan always flying? He neverlands. I like this joke because it never grows old.
I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
How do you organize a space party? You planet.
What do you call a fake macaroni? An impasta.
What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1
Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man!
Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway. Cannoli do so much. Now hes just a pizza history.
My maths teacher called me average. How mean!
I met a girl with 12 nipples today. Sounds fun, dozen tit.
Mexican jokes and black jokes are pretty much the same. Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.
Headmaster of Hogwarts falls down the stairs. Tumbledore.
My wife left me because she said it was annoying how I related everything in life to batman. What a Joker.
Bought a suit made from a cactus, looked pretty sharp in it.
At the barbers today, I asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise, so he gave me a cushion to sit on.
I was gutted when my cat drowned in the washing machine. At least he died in Comfort.
Pakistani cricketers. They'll give you a run for your money.
A dog walker was found dead in the local park, police have found the dog, but as of yet, they have no lead.
My gambling addiction cost me my marriage! Or, as I like to think of it, won me a divorce
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese
Two silk worms had a race... it ended in a tie.
Did you hear about the dyslexic man that walked into a bra?
I went to Waterstones & asked the woman for a book about turtles. She asked "hardback?" and I was like "yeah, and little heads".
Surely every car is a people carrier?
My cat is recovering from a massive stroke.
What so you call a teacher that's always late for school? Mr Bus.
What do you call a pig with no clothes on? Streaky bacon.
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of trousers? In case he got a hole in one!
I think my baby frog is eastern European. It's a tad Polish
What kind of light must you switch on with your leg? A knee-on.
What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff. What's blue and fluffy? Pink fluff holding its breath.
I asked God for a bike, but then I realised God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
What do you call a surprised Chinese man? Ho Lee Fuk
Who's the coolest guy at the hospital? The ultrasound guy! But what about when he's not there? The hip replacement guy!
What's large, white and can kill you if it fell out of a tree? A fridge.
Just bought an amazing stereo that's made of cake. It's a gateaux blaster.
Always remember that you're unique! Just like everyone else.
Traffic Update: Vicks Vaporub lorry has overturned on the motorway. Police have confirmed that there will be no congestion for 8 hours
5/4ths of people have problems with fractions.
How do you make antifreeze? Hide her cardigan.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Stick it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers
Really hate my new job crushing empty Coca-Cola cans. Its soda pressing.
Our old sofa felt terrible yesterday. But now it's fully recovered
I've always wanted to learn how to juggle. I just don't have the balls to do it.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
I just drank clearasil. It really hits the spot.
What does a lion use to help it drill? A roar plug.
Apparently David Hasselhoff is changing his name to David Hoff. He can't be arsed with the Hassel anymore.
Why was the biscuit crying? Because it's mother was a wafer too long
What's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint
I got a birthday card and when I opened it a Yorkshire pudding fell out. It was from Aunt Bessie!
What did the shetland pony say when he had a sore throat? Sorry. I'm a little horse.
What did the grape say when it was stepped on? Nothing, it just gave a little wine.
Talking to a guy today who invented crosswords. Can't remember his name though. S_e_e
I saw a midget dressed like Hitler yesterday & I thought.. "that's a little racist".
My mate got sacked from working on the dodgems. He's suing for funfair dismissal.
What's got two legs and bleeds a lot? Half a dog.
I promised my wife the earth today. But gave her the life and electrocuted her.
Do you want to hear a joke about sodium? Na...
My hot lesbian neighbours got me Rolex for my birthday. It's nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch".
Tampax jokes just aren't funny! Period.
I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger... and then it hit me.
Why does Noddy have a bell on his hat? Because he's a twat.
What cheese is made backwards? edam
Where do birds meet for coffee? Nest-cafe
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys. Last year they consumed 72,400 bananas and only 4 monkeys.
I didn't like the food on my flight home. It was too plane.
With the new starwars film due out, Haribo have released some new sweets. I dont like them, they're all chewy.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
My mate has a new job clearing leaves this Autumn. He reckons he's going to rake it in.
Driving past a field & saw a scarecrow trying to have a wank. I thought "That scarecrow is clutching at straws."
Want to hear a construction joke? I'm working on it
I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
What is Bruce Lee's favorite drink? Wataaaaah!
I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
Thank god for nipples! Without them, boobs would be pointless.
My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books. He's only got his shelf to blame.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It's not hard.
Just met a charming transvestite from the Manchester area. He had a Wigan address.
Man who invented anagrams has died. May he Erect a penis.
This girl came up to me today and said she recognized me from the vegetarian club. I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.
How did the nucleus escape from prison? Through the cell wall.
What do you call a sick eagle? Illegal.
Did you hear about the dyslexic who walked into a bra?
Why did Nivea Creme? Because Max Factor.
Where does Kylie Minogue get her kebabs from? Jason's Donner Van
Dog goes into B&Q & says "excuse me, may I have a job?" Stunned clerk "have you tried the circus?" Dog "what would a they want with a plumber?"
What's the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?Snowballs.
Did you hear about the local crossword champion who passed away? You can find him at the local cemetary 6 down and 4 across.
What do you call a judge with no fingers? Justice Thumbs
There's reports coming in about an unexplained explosion that's caused a 75ft deep hole in Trafalgar Square! Police are looking into it.
Did you hear the one about the man with 5 cocks? His underpants fit like a glove.
It cost me �5 to put air in my tyres yesterday! Oh well, that's inflation for you.
Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway.
Why did I divide sin by tan? Just cos.
A man took an airline to court after his luggage went missing. Unfortunately he lost his case.
For my next trick, I will eat a musical instrument in a bread bap. Drum roll please.
Just met Jurgen Klopps little brother. Klippety
Walking past the prison and saw a midget climbing down the wall. He glared at me. Said to my friend "That's a little con descending"
I wrote a song about tortilla. Actually it's more of a wrap.
Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?" Me: "I Excel at it." Boss: "Was that Microsoft Office pun?" Me: "Word."
What's the hottest part of the sun? Page 3
Last week I went to see the foot doctor, I took out my willy & the doctor said "that's not a foot!" I said"I know, but it's a good 11 inches"
What do you call a woman covered in grass. Lawna
Midget psychic escaped from prison! Newspaper headline reads; Small Medium at Large.
What did the policeman say to his belly? You're under a vest.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you.
There are three types of people in this world. Those that can count and those that can't.
Teacher: Name 6 wild animals? Student: Four elephants and two lions
Had sex with a transvestite the other day. She took it like a man.
What do you call a man with no shins or feet? Neil
Why did the leper fail his driving test? He left his foot on the brake.
What do you call Postman Pat on the dole? Pat
Just had a mole removed from my penis. It's my own fault for shagging moles.
Congratulations to Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine and for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.
Rap is basically 75% cRap.
My neighbour Mohammed has given up white water rafting. He's now a Muslim ex-streamist.
What did the finger say to the thumb? I'm in glove with you.
So I was steering a boat with my stomach muscles. Abseiling
I like lions manely because of their hair.
What's pink and invisible? This grapefruit.
I took the rear view mirror out of my car, and since then. I've never looked back
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She replied "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said "Wow!" Then her friend said "She means 6663629".
Guess who I bumped into in specsavers the other day. Everyone!
What's the difference between a chick pea and a potato? You wouldn't pay to have a potato on you.
A Mexican magician tells the audience that he will disappear on the count of three. Uno, dos... then *poof* he disappeared without a tres!
Whats the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
What noise does a nut make when it sneezes? Cashew.
Two satellites decided to get married. The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!
I like to tease my dyslexic dwarf friend alot. Its not big and its not clever.
What do ya call a woman who throws all her bills on the fire? Bernadette
Why was 6 scared of 7? Because 7,8,9
My wife accused me of having OCD. I soon put her in her place.
How does a politician sleep? First he lies on one side then he lies on the other.
What do you do if you see a spaceman? Park in it man.
What sort of jam can't you eat? Traffic jam.
Two sausages in a frying pan, one says to the other: "bloody hell it's hot in here". The other says "OMG, A talking sausage!"
Make the little things count. Teach midgets maths.
Renewable energy. I'm a big fan.
What do you call a woman stretched across a tennis court? Annette
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff
I had to call the Elvis impersonator hotline yesterday. Got told to press; 1 for the money 2 for the show
What do you call a man without a spade? Douglas.
What do you call a man with a spade? Doug.
What's red and white and flies at night? A sanitary owl.
Did you hear about the paper boy? He blew away.
My neighbour complained to me about my dog chasing people on a bike. My dog can't even ride a bike.
What do gay horses eat? Haaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy
Dating a girl from the zoo. She's a keeper.
I just spent all day looking for a cat with one eye. I think I would of found it if I used both.
Why did the scarecrow get an award? He was outstanding in his field.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef.
What do you call a man in the sea with no arms and no legs? Bob
An ice cream seller was today found on the floor of his van covered in hundreds and thousands. Police said he topped himself.
What's black and white and eats like a horse? A zebra.
My wife is a magician. She turned our car into a tree
I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin all day.
I got the wife a wooden leg for Christmas, it's not a main present, just a stocking filler.
What did the cheese say when it saw it's self in the mirror? Halloumi!
How did the cheese paint his wife? He double Gloucester.
Dyslexic rules KO
What's the best cheese to use if you want to lure a bear out the woods? Camembert.
Just invited my friends round for a Vodka party. Everyone was in great spirits.
How many sound technicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One two, One two
I asked the greengrocer for a bag of onions. He gave me one and said that's shallot.
What do you call a parrot under an umbrella? Polly unsaturated
When I got home from work I joined all my watches end to end to make a belt. What a waist of time!
What did the sea say to boat? Nothing it just waved.
I got stung by a bee the other day. �20 for a jar of honey.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
I got myself a new job in the telescope factory. Things are really looking up.
I was in Tesco the other day and couldn't work out which pasta I needed to buy. Then the penne dropped.
How much do cockneys pay for their shampoo? Pantene.
Hear about the dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse?
Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends? Because he's married.
Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies.
My boyfriend has just got a job as a light switch engineer. Its really turned me on.
My girlfriend saw the backseat of my car last night! She said it needed hoovering.
Me: People say I've got a special way of lighting up the roomJudge: It's called arson & those people are witnesses.
Tampax have announced that they will be replacing their traditional tampon string with tinsel. This will be for the Christmas Period only.
Did you hear about those new corduroy pillowcases? They're making headlines.
You cant beat a boiled egg.
Two monkeys in a bath together. First one says: "Ooh Ooh Ah Ah" Second one says: "Best put some more cold water in then".
How do u find Will Smith in the snow? Look for the fresh prints.
Whats red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
What is Mr T's favourite yoghurt? Petit Filou
Why did the alien leave the party? Because the atmosphere wasn't right.
I used to go out with a Dutch girl who wore inflatable shoes, but then she popped her clogs!
What's got 8 eyes and 8 legs? 8 pirates.
I'd love to have a job cleaning mirrors. It's something I could really see myself doing.
What has 20 legs and flys? 5 dead horses.
Had a fight last night with the wife, she threw a lettuce at me! That's just the tip of the iceberg.
I once had a dog called Blacksmith. Every time i kicked it, he made a bolt for the door!
There was a fight in the chippy last night! Two fish got battered.
I got offered a 42 inch TV for �25, the only problem is that the volume button doesn't work. For that price though, you can't turn it down.
What do you get hanging from apple trees? Sore arms.
What did the girl with no arms get for Christmas? Gloves. Only joking, she hasnt opened her presents yet
What invisible and smells like carrots? Rabbit farts
What's the fastest type of cake? Scone
My horse will only come out of its stable when it gets dark. It's becoming a night mare. 
Why did the little girls ice cream melt? She was on fire.
A woman looked in the mirror and was shocked to see her first strands of grey hair. She thought she'd dye.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones? Trombones.
Why shouldn't you shake hands with Tigger? Because he plays with Pooh.
Buying spiders from the pet store costs way more than getting them off the web.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A Carrot
I taught my Dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground.�We went from Barking to Tooting in about an hour.
Just been to visit my mates new baby, they asked me if I wanted to wind him. I thought that was a bit harsh, so I just gave him a dead leg.
I've got a joke about a tendon but it's a bit close to the bone.
Why was the pie waiting on the corner? Because it was meat n potato.
What do thieves get for stealing calendars? 12 months
My ex girlfriend was a girl called Anna Sthetic. She was a right knockout.
I went to a seafood disco last night. Pulled a mussel.
Need an ark? I Noah guy.
I cut my finger whilst slicing cheese. I have grater problems.
What's the difference between virgin olive oil and regular olive oil? Popeye's penis.
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but that lightbulb has to want to change.
My family think I spend too much time doing dot-to-dot puzzles. But it's okay, I know where to draw the line.
What did the female dinosaur call her blouse business? Try Sarah's tops.
What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? A stick
Becoming vegetarian is a big missed steak.
Two cannibals eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "This taste funny to you?"
Someone threw a piece of cheese at me in the supermarket, I didn't think it was very mature.
I thought I'd lost my dog in London at the weekend. Turns out he was just outside Barking.
How do you get Pikachu on a bus? Pokemon.
My front door was cheap. Made of foam. You can't knock it!
I drank a bottle of cat shampoo last night. Dont ask meow!
Why did the little girl fall off the swings? Because she has no arms.
What do you call a sheep in the army? Lambo
I met the man who invented windowsills. What a ledge.
What's E.T. Short for? He's only got little legs!
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche.
My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with "The Monkeys". I thought she was joking, then I saw her face.
The wife is cleaning out the cupboards, dirty, filthy and covered in cobwebs. But she's good with the kids!
I told my Mum I'd made a car out of spaghetti, but she didn't believe me! Should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
Went into a record shop and asked if they had anything by The Doors. He said "yes, a plant and a fire blanket."
What did the bad plant say to the good plant? I've turned over a new leaf.
I had a huge fight with my girlfriend yesterday, but I know she'll come crawling back to me. I stole her wheelchair.
Threw the washing machine at the missus. Bosch!!
Tea is for mugs.
I start my new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
My wife has left me because she says I keep treating her like a pet. She'll be back when she's hungry.
My dad told me to stop using such high calibre rounds when we were out hunting. As usual, it went in one deer and out the other.
I used to have a job as a drill operator. It was well boring.
After complaints about its bright lights, our local Chinese restaurant has agreed to Dim Sum.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
My pet mouse 'Elvis' died last last. He was caught in a trap..
The wife asked me to get that spray that will make the curtains smell nicer. Apparently femfresh wasn't it
Whats green and smells of pork? Kermits finger.
Tried to catch fog yesterday. Mist
What did the 0 say to the 8? "Nice Belt"
Where do fish keep their money? In a riverbank.
What does a Mexican put under his carpet? Underlay, underlay.
Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff? Tequila!
Why did Sepp Blatter cross the road? To get to the other bribe!
What the best cheese to hide a horse with? Mascarpone.
One of the best things about living I Sweden? Well, the flag is a big plus.
It's a sad day today my best pal died of heartburn. I still can't believe Gaviscon.
Whats the difference between a hippo and a zippo? Ones heavy the others a little lighter.
Was walking round Tesco's the other day and a bloke threw a big lump of cheese at me! I thought how dairy!
I'm going to a deodorant party at the weekend. Roll on Saturday.
Man goes into a chip shop with a salmon under his arm. He says "Got any fishcakes?" "No sorry" "Awww that's a shame it's his birthday"
Bought myself a universal remote control last night. This could change everything..
A clown has been sacked for turning up late for his job at the circus. He is suing for funfair dismissal.
What do you call a cowboy with no money? Skint Eastwood.
This song is called subtraction Take it away!
A bloke walked into a Fishmongers with a giant condom under his arm. "A pound a fillet?" The Fishmonger replied "A pound you don't".
Took the shell off my racing snail this weekend. Thought it might speed him up. If anything, it made him more sluggish.
Have you heard about the new Eddie Stobart film coming out? It looks quite good, i've seen the trailer!
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
Breaking News: Pedigree Chum have gone bust! They've called in the retrievers.
Did you hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field.
Two fish in a tank. One says to the other "Do you know how to drive this?"
If you hold a mackerel to your ear you can just about hear the fishmonger in Morrisons telling you to put the fucker down.
What is a pirate's favourite letter of the alphabet? None. Historians have suggested that most pirates would have been illiterate.
Why did the Baker have brown hands? Because he kneaded a poo.
What's the difference between light and hard? You can go to bed with a light on.
A bloke just ran up to me and said he was going to beat me up with the neck of his guitar! I said, is that a fret?
What kind of bees produce milk? Boo-bees.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I've got dementia, Cheese on toast.
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic? He didn't believe in Dog.
Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today. Lifeguard shouted so loud, I almost fell in...
Today my dog 'Minton' swallowed a shuttlecock. Bad Minton!!!
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.
Did you hear about the blind circumciser? He got the sack!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
2 dyslexics are in a kitchen. One says to the other "can you smell food?" The other one says "I can't even smell my own name!"
I had a threesome with a scalene and an isosceles. It was a love triangle.
Whiteboards. They're remarkable.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
How do you make a sausage roll? Push it down a hill.
I was arguing with my girlfriend in Nandos when my best mate ran off with the garlic bread & coleslaw! I wish he would stop taking sides.
My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her. So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.
I used to be addicted to soap, but now I'm clean.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I'm serious, that Israeli how he does it.
What is E.T. short for? He has really small legs
It's real hard being a single mother when you're male and In your mid-twenties.
Paying rent is like hitting a snooze button on being homeless.
If an apple is 100% paralyzed , is it considered a fruit or a vegetable?
The happier Asian's get, the less they can see.
New study shows that slight overweight women live longer                      Than the men who mention it
My coworker keeps showing me pics asking if I've seen her baby. I told her it's been two years and she's not going to find them
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too.
Why do you never make fun of a fat girl with a lisp? She's probably thick and tired of it
Smoking cigarettes is a great way to commit suicide if you're a procrastinator.
Speeding has never killed anyone. suddenly becoming stationary, now THATS what gets you.
Watching Jeopardy backward is like seeing 3 panelists ask questions where Trebek always gets them right
When I'm bored, I call sick into places I don't work, today I'm getting written up at Ross.
What's a pirate's favorite thing to read?
Nothing, he can't.
What's worse than finding a fly in your soup?
This punchline
Saw a raggedly dressed boy in the street and asked if he was an orphan. "what gave me away?" He asked, I said, "your parents"
I came across a hooker who'd do anything for $50
Guess who got the porch repainted?
I try to teach my mom something new every day, because you're supposed to learn from your mistakes
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of prison.. But apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition
If a wipe down my vacuum with a paper towel.. That makes me a vacuum cleaner.
Did anyone wake green day up?
If the gas station is 2 miles away and my dad can drive at 60MPH, why hasn't returned from getting snacks for 6 years?
So glad I don't have to  hunt for food. I don't even know where sandwiches live.
What do you call crystal clear urine? 1080pee
Is it bad to hate a certain race? Because I absolutely loathe Rainbow Road.
If you're an astronaut and don't break up with someone by saying ' I need some space ' you're wasting everyone's time.
Just designed a website for orphans. There is no Home page.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One turns and says to the other, "I can't believe I just blew 30 bucks in there.
Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Neither, the rooster did
What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas?

Gloves.

Just kidding, he hasn't gotten the box open yet.
I have to use a stepladder since my real ladder left when I was young.
Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is.
Why do orphans play tennis? Cause it's the only love they can get.
My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a life ban from the zoo.
What do you call a boomerang That doesn't come back? A stick
Bought a cake for my girlfriend and wrote 'I'm baking up with you' on it.
Why don't black people get sunburned? Because most prisons are indoors.
If you wait for the waiter to return..Doesn't that MAKE you the waiter?
Australians don't have sex, they mate.
While cooking breakfast I asked my girlfriend how she likes her eggs, she said fertilized. 😶
Why is Peter Pan always flying? Cause he neverlands haah
Why do sorority girls walk in odd-numbered packs? Because they can't even.
The best part about dead baby jokes is they ever get old
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
The wheelchair
I broke my pinky today. It hurts, But on the other hand, I'm just fine.
What do you call a Jewish pokemon trainer? 

Ash
How do you know if lady gaga is dead? You poke her face
What happens if Pinocchio says 'My nose will now grow'?
What do you get when you cross a joke and a rhetorical question?
So two dyslexics walk into a bra.
So I saw a magic tractor today. It was driving down the street and turned into a field.
So two fish are in a tank and one turns to the other and says, "How do you drive this thing?"
Whoever invented knock knock jokes should win a no bell prize.
How does a medium talk with shoes?
She converses
Three years ago today  I asked a beautiful girl to go on a date. Today I asked her to be my wife.
She said no both times.
What is it called when you kill your friend? Homiecide.

Or murder
If tomatoes are fruit then isn't ketchup actually a smoothie?
What if soy milk is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish?
How come you can drink a drink but not food  a food?
What did the homeless man get for Christmas? Frostbite.
Once you have a PhD, every meeting you go to is a doctor's appointment.
Random thought, I've never seen an Asian woman pregnant.
I once asked a pretty homeless woman If I could take her home. She said yes, but you shoulda seen her face when I took her box!
Walk into the building like whaddup I got a oh no I'm so sorry wrong building please continue with your funeral God bless
I really want to buy one of those grocery checkout dividers but the checkout lady keeps putting it back.
Want a stable relationship? Get a horse!
Will Smith really looks like that guy from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
What do you call fly with no wings? A walk! Hahaha.. Heh .
Plugs keep bending? Straighten the outlet with a fork!
I gave Easter candy to my roommates and I'm officially dubbed the mom of the apartment now.
I'm a social vegan. I avoid meet.
Why aren't iphone chargers called apple juice?
#instagram : Made for people who don't want to beg for friends on Facebook.
I wonder if King-sized sheets are called Presidential-sized sheets in Europe..
There's 364 more days until Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable.
New food naming trend at the office, today i ate a sandwich named Steve.
Introducing free idiot tests! Only $5!
Do homeless people understand knock knock jokes?
staring from a distance counts is flirting, right?
I hate living where I do. I used to think 55 degrees is cold now I think 18 degrees is warm.
I often worry that mankind is going to start world war 3 solely because we enjoy trilogies.
paused Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can't watch breaking bad.
My new years resolution is to remember...umm...
Sometimes I cry when cutting carrots just so the onions don't think they are ugly or something.
to this day, the boys at that used to bully me and take my lunch money still does. on the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
Why can't someone look at me the way i look at French fries..
I remember 2012 like it was yesterday..
Just illegally downloaded a video while here in Jamaica. Does that make me a pirate of the Caribbean?
Don't worry, Mayans. If you get it wrong, it's not the end of the world.
Lost my mood ring.. Not sure how I feel about this.
I never finish anyth
Once upon a time, computers were only used for Paint and Space Pinball.
Myth:

It is said to be that once the 'M' in MTV once stood for music.
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need an expert opinion.
Of course gay men dress well. They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
To girls who say all men are the same, nobody said you had to try them all.
There are two deaf blokes Sat at each end of the bus, signing each other wildly. I'm fighting the urge to ask them to keep it down.
I'm writing a joke about a guy's first day at FedEx but I just can't get the delivery right.
I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces at the pond today.
If Eve doomed the human population for an apple.. What would she do for a Klondike?
Money can't buy happiness, but I'd much rather cry in a mansion.
All girls that are 13-17 look exactly the same now. #college
If anyone is interested, I'll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6 PM until I'm escorted out by security.
I like to freak my dentist out by seductively licking his fingers during procedures.
My wallet is so fat it's uncomfortable to sit. #richpeopleproblems
Halo 4: Saving more Teen pregnancies than Trojan.
Ugh, stewardess wants us to turn off our portable electronics. Knew I should've brought my full desktop PC for this flight.
I've gotta stop saying "How stupid can you be?". Too many people are taking it as a challenge.
If you're having a bad day, just remember that someone has to clean the bathroom at Taco Bell.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. They're wrong. Nothing doesn't rhyme with orange.
I just got gas for $1.39 today at lunch! Gotta love Taco Bell.
I walked into the boss's office and handed him a pear. He asked,Whats this for? A pay rise.My wife told me to grow it first and then ask u
I'm pretty sure Dora the Explorer is the maid on Family Guy.
My homework brings all the Asians to the yard, and they're like, it wasn't that hard.
My boss:Ive noticed u nodding off during meetings recently.r u getting enough sleep?
Me:Not really,the meetings are a lot shorter these days
I keep a baseball bat under the bed just in case someone breaks in and pitches a ball to me.
Today I am running around the park and putting sprinkles on dog crap so people's days aren't ruined.
For Halloween this year I think I'm gonna go around to all the hospices and retirement homes and put up cemetery wallpaper.
I have a fear of speed bumps..but I'm slowly getting over it.
What if Taylor Swift and Adele started dating and then broke up?
Guys that try to pick up girls on Twitter are pathetic. Girls If you agree message me your number and we can talk about it.
My advice to men; marry someone who looks sexy disappointed.
The reason I wish I was in a gang would be so I know what to do with my hands in pictures.
Snooki's son is going to hate it when his friends discover Yo mama jokes.
I don't know why people want white iPhones... Everyone knows blacks run faster than whites.
Some girl yelled at me ' you're so hot!!' today on the street. Dont believe me? Ask Brad Pitt, he was Standing Right behind me.
I think I'm gonna get a cat just to blame it all the time for being a pussy.
If guns don't kill people, people kill people, does that mean that toasters don't toast toast, toast toast toast?
Did you just throw sodium chloride at me?! That's assault!
They say there are a lot of scammers on the Internet! And for only $19.95 a month I can show you how to stop them!
I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being just surprised as everyone else by the crazy stuff that comes out of my mouth.
I hate when I'm standing there trying to be handsome when some other guy comes and stands next to me and challenges my handsomeness.
Tired of lacing shoes? Just replace them with earphones! They'll magically get knotted up every time, guaranteed.
Sometimes I forget how to spell a word and I change the entire sentence just to avoid using that word.
What if oxygen lowers your voice and helium brings it back to normal?
The worst thing about having more money than sense is probably the fact I don't have very much money.
I gotta dig bick. You that read wrong. That awkward when you read that wrong also. And said "moment" after awkward. This is awkward.
I've just won 10 million on the lottery and decided to buy my local Chinese takeaway called 'Happiness'.

Your move, philosophers.
Do the Chinese people who visit America realize they bought souvenirs made in their own country?
If vegetarians loved animals so much, they would stop eating all their food.
Documentaries: Like real movies except with ugly people.
Why can Mario smash bricks with his head but dies when he gets touched by a turtle?
It's the little things that count. That's why I'm hosting a math class for midgets.
How do you pronounce tomato? Is it tomato or tomato?
I don't hate you, but If you were on fire and I had water, I'd drink it.
I hate the part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and actually participate in life.
A boy goes to a strip club. His mom gets angry & asks him: Did you see anything there that you weren't supposed to see?

Boy: Yes, dad!
Q. Where do fags park?

A. In the rear.
Teacher: Johnny, you know you can't sleep in my class. 

Johnny: I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.
Yo mama so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"
Irony:

90 people get the Swine Flu and everybody wants to wear a mask.

A million people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom
I once dated a girl who had a parrot.

Dang thing would never shut up.

Bird was cool though.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with cardboard. Pillow fight.
Anyone know how long it takes this Axe body spray to get you swarms of girls? I've been drinking this stuff for weeks now.
If a red-headed man works at a bakery, is he a ginger bread man?
Titanic was a slut. She went down on the first date and ironically swallowed a bunch of seamen, too.
My girlfriend once asked me what turned me on: her sexy body or pretty face, I replied' your sense of humor'
An elephant asks a camel why it had breasts on its back and the camel replied, ' silly question for someone who has a dick on its face '
If women ruled the world there wouldn't be any wars, just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
There are two types of people in this world. People who pee in the shower, and dirty freaking liars.
What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

Wiped his butt.
Alcohol never solves any problems.

But then again, neither does milk.
I shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night.

Especially since I walked there.
I'm going to order a pizza and act confused when it arrives. 'for Chase? Chase is DEAD! He died ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago!
To do:
1) Dig a hole
2) Name it love
3) Watch people fall in it
Something just occurred to me. Why are all the 'intelligent life' finding sources pointed away from earth?
I bought my wife some of that "volume control" shampoo.

Doesn't work, I can still hear her.
I only trust people who like big butts.

Cause they can not lie.
"And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found at all corners of the earth. Then he made the world round and laughed.."
I struggle with my laziness. I'm like, "should I sit down and do nothing or lie down and do nothing?"
Why I donate sperm instead of blood? I MAKE lives not save them. And you know, other stuff.
I tried to log onto Twitter earlier today. It said,"Cookies are required to operate." I thought to myself, "Me too Twitter. Me too."
If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I'd just laugh and search with them.
They should readjust clothing size to S,M,L,XL,F(at) and 2F(at).
I hate it when old people poke me at a wedding and say, "you're next". So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
If a bunch if midgets did a wave, would it be called a ripple?
Yo momma so fat she have flabby thighs but lucky for you her stomach covers em.
I named my hard drive "dat ass" so that once a month, my computer asks me if I want to, "back dat ass up."
It sucks when a bathroom sign says 'employees must wash hands' and I wait for over an hour and no one comes to wash my hands.
10 reasons I’m lazy:
1)
I got this really cute girl's number today.
I'm starting to think that I should cause car accidents more often.
Running away doesn't help you with your problems, unless you're fat.
Weather outside is BEAUTIFUL today. I think I'll go for a run. I won't do it, but I'll think about it.
So, I was just standing around, doing nothing, when I got arrested for impersonating a police officer.
Yo Momma is so stupid she spent all day saying 'am not' to R2
Me: "How do you spell HIV?" 
Friend:"H.I.V" 
Me: "Are you positive?" 
Friend:"Yes... Wait no... Damn!"
Listen, calling people names says a lot more about you than it does about them, idiot.
I am glad technology has progressed to the point where we can take pictures that look like ones taken when technology sucked. #instagram
Obesity doesn't run in my family, the problem is no one does.
I give back to the world by seeding my torrents.
Statistics show that teen pregnancy rapidly drop after the age of 19.
God is love.
But Satan does that thing with his tongue that you love.
If you think you are having a bad day..just remember one day somebody is going to have Snooki as a mom.
The symbol in which everyone thinks is a heart  is not actually derived from an actual heart? But a rear view of a girl bending over.
My ex? Yea I'd still hit that... with a bus.
I'm going to start a beer brand and name it Responsibly.
My mate says,I remember my very first date with my wife,can u?
"Yeah,"I replied,she was wearing sexy red lingerie,then u closed the curtains
Yo momma jokes are old, common and used by everyone.

Just like yo momma.
Stop calling yourself hot. The only thing you turn on is a microwave.
Sometimes, I put my hands on the floor, tuck my head toward my chest and then lean forward... 'Cause that's how I roll.
This shout out is dedicated to all my blind followers: ... .. ... . .... ... .. ... .. . ..... ... ... . ..
"What do we want?"
"A cure for obesity!"
"When do we want it?"
"After lunch!"
 My wife used to be a regular customer at McDonalds.

These days, she's more of a large.
If my friend asks me to keep a secret, and says, "Don't tell a soul," can I still tell my ginger friend?
Once you turn 21, you can finally legally do all the things you've been doing since you were 16.
Jehovah's Witness' don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't like random strangers coming to their door.
No one ends life a virgin, life screws us all.
I got a new deodorant today. The instructions said to remove cap and push up bottom. Now I can Hardly walk, but my farts smell awesome.
I don't know whats more awkward. answering Dora, or sitting in silence as she stares at you.
Why was Michael Jackson once spotted at K-Mart? He heard child's pants were half off.
My girlfriend just asked for some alone time.. I made her a MySpace account.
I love the anonymity of the Internet. I could be tweeting this naked and you would never know.
Heard Apple was making a new iPod Touch model targeting a younger audience. I don't think the ' iTouch Kids ' is gonna be a big success.
I'm going to try winking as much in real life as I do in texts. ;)
I'll act my age when I'm 69.
I'm not affected by the price of gas, I just get $20 worth every time.
Inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.
9/11 Jokes are just plane wrong, and Nazi jokes aren't funny, Ann frankly I am quite offended by them.
Hey, I lost my phone. If you find it, call or text me, would ya?
So I'm at Golden Gate bridge and everyone is telling me to jump, I'm only out for a jog!
I saw a girl fully clothed walking by me at the mall earlier today, 'Skank' I thought to myself, 'I bet she's naked under all those clothes'
I'm always willing to put in more hours at work, specifically lunch hours.
I am so jealous of my parents because there is no way I'll get a kid as cool as theirs.
Birth control pills should be for men. It makes much more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.
My imaginary girlfriend just put me in the friendzone.
Decided to get into shape..I choose shape of potatoe.
Saving your document as "fgaskljdflkjsan" and having your computer say the file name is already taken.
Have you ever noticed razor blades taste just like blood?
Bought my gay friend a GPS just so it would tell him to go straight.
Condoms come in three sizes. Small, medium, and liar.
My girlfriend says I'm too immature...well no more treehouse privileges for her.
As soon as I finish wiping is when my bowels choose to RELEASE THE KRACKEN
At me bro you come. - Yoda
You're a Philosophy major you say? Impressive, and yes, please make my order a combo.
someone called me gay for wearing heels the other day..but I was not going to wear tennis shoes with that dress.
All atheists are hypocrites. Why, you say? They've all taken math. 2^4 is a higher power.
By definition, people with bad ideas cannot be swayed by logic.
Why do they offer senior discounts? They've had twice as long as anyone else to get the money!
For all you who think nothing is impossible, please go staple jello to a tree.
My buddy just asked me where he's supposed to rub the computer to turn it on..
Sorry I haven't tweeted today. Justin Bieber's new album is out tonight, been standing in line all day to jump off Golden Gate Bridge.
Never go fishing with Skrillex, he always drops the bass.
I hate it when my Ferrari runs out of gas and I have to drive my Lamborghini.
Quote of the day: "Whenever you're feeling powerless, remember that just one of your turds can shut down a whole swimming pool."
I just told my friend that I am going to be a comedian--he laughed at me. I'm off to a good start!
My credit card company loves me. Every day, I get a call from them saying my balance is outstanding.
To all you vegetarians, the lifestyle you have chosen is a big missed steak .
Hitch hikers are the friendliest people in the world. Everytime I pass one, they give me a thumbs up!
My girlfriend said she was going to leave me because I am too impatient. 

I can't wait.
My Contacts have been very irritating lately, so I deleted them off my phone .
Read a caution label 'Avoid contact with eyes' --shoot! I've already seen it!
I went to the store to buy 6 cans of Sprite. Got to check-out and realized I picked 7up
So my girlfriend asked me for something that could go
From 0-200 in 5 seconds. I gave her a bathroom scale.
I hate being bipolar. It is awesome.
My game dog sucks at chess.
Don't ever run away from your problems, unless your problem is being chased by a bear.
I stuck my head out the window while driving and got arrested for mooning..
Scored a job as an accountant. My new nickname is 'The Thought'.
A non-conformist. Just like everybody else.
I dont see the issue over whether prisoners get the right to
Vote or not. Criminals get elected anyway.
Elleene Polley, inventor of the TV remote, has died. He shall be buried underneath the sofa cushions.
All girls are iron man. Fe=Iron Male=Man
Shout out to my boy Brian for saving 18 lives yesterday. Saved 2 cats from a tree.
That awkward moment when your sentence doesn't end the way you octopus.
What If Aliens only abduct crazy people BECAUSE no one will believe them?
That awkward moment when you realize the moment is just that.
Hi my name is Avoid Completely. Danger is my middle name.
I hope college is gonna be as easy as half the girls that go there.
Let's be frank here. I'm Sinatra.
I think the biggest cause of dry skin is towels.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes away. We have got to put an end to this!
What do I do when I'm too attractive ? Oops, meant to google ;)
Nickelback walks into a bar...there is no punch line cause ruining music isn't funny.
I'm always looking  for my Number 1. You see, I'm not a very good aim in the bathroom.
A headache is just your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity.
According to Kinect, I am the controller, so whenever I lose, I throw myself on the ground and stomp on myself.
You think living on the streets is bad? I'm from the sidewalk. Stepped on a crack and grew up motherless.
I was gonna do nothing today, but then I realized I hadn't finished doing it yesterday.
What do you call a Mexican that lost his vehicle? Carlos
Who is this feat. Guy? He's in a lot of songs.
I think "Shots" by LMFAO was paid off by doctors during flu season.
Study shows researchers waste a lot of time finding out dumb things.
My hugely-fat teacher was talking about the issue of obesity in America. Talk about an elephant in the room.
Got a puzzle that said "2-4 years" only took me 1.
So I was at work at a conference call eating Cheetos without muting the mic. This is what I've always dreamt work would be.
You compliment your friend on their mustache and suddenly she doesn't talk to you anymore. WTF?
My friend said he got high from sniffing Coke, but I only have Pepsi. How do I do it?
My Nigerian wife looked at our 5-year-old kid and said "aww, they blow up so fast"
I wonder if the ladies at the clubs can hear what the sings are saying about them.
I hate when I lose my white friends in the snow
They say there is safety in numbers. Tell that to 6 million Jews.
The only reason why I want to legalize weed in America is so that potheads have nothing ever to talk about ever again.
I heard that Apple was planning on an iPad Mini.. I thought they already had one? The iPhone.
I've got an obsession with cats. My girlfriend is kicking meeeeowwwt.
My great granddad perished on the sinking of the Titanic..he had a heart attack in The movies last week.
I think McDonald's only truthful menu item is the No. 2
I go to all these step-by-step programs and I still don't know how to dance.
Saw a bud's tweet saying "spending The night with my girl" I chuckled to myself because that movie SUCKED.
I think I'm having a no-life crisis.
I have a joke about unemployment, but it needs some work.
My brother is in prison for something he didn't do--run fast enough.
The people who make medicine clearly do not know what fruit tastes like.
A blonde read a news headline, "12 Brazilian soldiers killed" She shook her head and asked her friend, "How many is a Brazilian?"
To the person who invented 0: Thanks for nothing.
Supervision: not as cool as it sounds.
I have two identical watches. I've got time to spare
Anxiety: Half of the time you're worried about the other half of the time.
I don't go to The doctors because they Insist their profession is called a practice.
One guy asked another: "Have you ever gone to bed with an ugly woman?"
His friend replied: "No, but I've woken up with plenty."
The only people that feel bad about wasting their life are the people that wouldn't be able to do anything useful with it, anyway.
Politics: the fastest way to piss of anybody and get enemies.
The "check engine" light came on, so I did.

Yup, still there.
I'm a fast listener. I listen to my girlfriend so fast I usually finish listening before she's done talking.
I went to the caucus meeting, got bored, went home and decided to learn about government by listening to Rage Against the Machine.
My humbleness is my best quality.
I've never met a mirror I didn't like.
I'm having car trouble. I can't afford to put the gas in.
I just met the girl of my dreams. I forgot about her just a few minutes after I saw her.
English teachers put more thoughts into novels than the authors do.
What activity do 3 out of 4 people call a good time? Gang rape.
How a pessimist counts his blessings, "10..9..8..7.."
I tried to throw away my yo yo, it was freaking impossible.
Married men live longer than single men, but they are more willing to die.
If steroids are illegal for athletes, Photoshop should be for models.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Changed the computer password to "keepquiet" because that's something my girlfriend does not know how to do.
Women are reasonable! As long as we admit they're right, we don't have to agree to anything.
Television: A device that enables people aren't doing anything to watch people who can't do anything.
The only reason why I'm hot is because I got fired.
I deleted my facebook because I don't care that 758 of my friends have colds.
Prius: a tampon on wheels.
If all men are the same, why do women take so long to find one?
I gave my girlfriend blood today, I know it's not a great Valentine's gift , but it came from the heart.
Fool me once , shame on me. Fool me twice, shame on thee. Fool me 8 times , you're probably a woman.
Men don't care whats on tv. They care what else is on tv.
Looks like my do absolutely nothing and get filthy rich plan isn't working.
Valentines day is cancelled. Want proof? 14-02-12=0
I would never be a doctor. Id have to work on the weakened.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 cent and nickel back.
I think I speak for everyone on Twitter when I say blah blah blah blah.
Your mommas so fat, she uses Google++++
This planking epidemic is getting out of hand. The old lady next door has been laying outside for 3 days now.
Did Adam and eve have belly buttons?
I just watched the entire P90X series and didn't lose a single pound. What a scam!
What is the same about Netflix and diarrhea? They both stream instantly.
Sorry for no tweets yesterday, I think my neighbors forgot to pay the Internet bill. How irresponsible of them.
Naming one of my children Bass so if I drop them no one will get mad at me.
As soon as women see me, they immediately in shape to impress me. They start running.
Changing my Facebook language to Spanish. So now instead of a "Like" button, I have a "Me Gusta" button.
I wonder if the girls on 16 and pregnant will come back and have a show called 32 and a grandma?
Need a new book that will just blow your Mind? Read Twilight! You'll read a page and want to shoot yourself.
When a deaf person sees me yawn, does he think I'm screaming?
My cat should stop thinking outside of the box.
My parents are omnipotent. In other words, they are all-no-ing.
When a women says 'What?' it's not because she didn't hear you. Shes giving you a chance to change what you said.
I'm gonna make a book called there's Waldo. And you have to find everything else.
If I turned invisible I'd go to Paris and beat up a street mime. The amount of applause he would get would be amazing.
Do you think Satan gets a lot of letters from Dyslexic kids during Christmas?
The chances of you dying on the way to get your lottery tickets are greater than your chances of winning.
Hitler without a blindfold: " I can see"
Hitler with a blindfold: " I can Nazi"
Teacher: A person who helps you solve problems you wouldn't have without them.
"Wow, nice pair of crocs"
-Said no one, ever.
Was on Yahoo! Answers and saw a question. 
"How big is the specific ocean?"
I replied, " Can you be more pacific? "
My girlfriend says I never take her anywhere expensive, so I took her to the gas station.
The problem with political jokes is they always get elected.
I walk by the clock to pass the time.
For every dollar a man makes, a woman makes seventy cense. That's not fair cause the man is only left with .30.
If I had a quarter for every time homeless person asked me for change, I'd still say no.
The only thing easier to pick up when it's heavy is women.
So stressed my acne just broke out.
When a recipe asks for crushed ice, I tell the cubes they'll never amount to anything.
You know that tingly feeling you get when you like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
Do you ever get the feeling you're being watched? Because if it's bothering you, I'll stop.
I think men who have a pierced ear are more prepared for marriage. They've already bought jewelry and have experienced pain.
'Yo yo'--a six year old's favorite toy, or two gang members talking? You be the judge.
Sometimes, I miss being in a relationship. But then I look in my wallet and feel alright again.
An angel came and told me God has been hearing my prayers...and they're really creeping Him out.
I'm not ignoring you, I'm pretending you're dead.
My girlfriend left me for my neediness of approval. That's ridiculous, right guys? Right? Right?
Roses are grey.
Violets are grey.
I'm colorblind.
Instead of cosmetics, I'm giving my wife PhotoShop.
Some girl just said she wanted to have my children. Im dropping off my 2-year-old tomorrow.
Why do people take years to write a novel when they can buy one for a couple bucks?
Magicians make people disappear all the time! But as soon as I take and hide a regular person everyone freaks out!
The first time I sang in the church choir about 200 hundred people changed their religion.
It pains me to say this...but I have a sore throat.
Age has its advantages. Too bad no one that old can remember what they are.
When someone calls me ugly, I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.
I'm super lazy. It's like lazy, but I wear a cape.
When I went to the urologist he said I had to go.
I want to find my true self. But for fun, I decided to throw on some camouflage.
All men make mistakes. Married men just find out about them quicker.
Ever decide to run a red light but the guy in front of you chickens out?
Do you know what all kind of imported port-a-potties should be called? EUROPEAN.
The only time I smile when I have done something wrong, is when I have found someone to blame it on.
People like you are the reason we have middle fingers.
I'm happy. Don't ruin it by talking to me.
I'd rather have a mustache than a baby.
In a thousand years, archaeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people for punishment.
"Last night, I was sitting so long that I had to do some stretches before I used the bathroom." -Corinna M
Foosball: A combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
I never knew true happiness until I got married...then it was too late.
Anything not made by God is made in China.
You so ugly even a basilisk couldn't look you in the eye.
Making another Facebook profile called Ahontas and have people poke me.
The last piece of that Butterfinger I ate in '07 finally came out of my teeth.
I tried on a pair of jeans from 7 years ago and they still fit perfectly. My "eat whatever I want and hope nothing happens" diet is working!
Whenever I have a problem, I just sing. Then I realize that my voice is worse than my problem and it isn't a big deal anymore.
Home alone and something just farted. Don't know whether to laugh or be scared.
Was in the gym earlier and jumped on the treadmill.people were giving me weird looks so I started jogging instead.
My girlfriend said my brother is ugly, I typically wouldn't mind, but we are identical twins.
When people tell me to make myself at home, I begin to yell invariably at the tv.
Take my advice, do not take my advice.
Some day you'll go far, and I hope you stay there.
I have horrible luck. The only girl in the world for me is my adopted sister.
I'm going to open a parachute company. Because anyone who would complain about my product is already dead.
I predict we have been reading the Mayan calendar upside-down an we still have another 2000 years to live.
Trying to figure out why suicidal pilots wear helmets.
Ugly people don't need beauty sleep, they need hibernation.
When girls say "let's just be friends" it's like your mom telling you that your dog died but you can still keep it.
My New Year's resolution is to make commitments I can't keep. I am well on my way.
If I ate myself would I be twice as big or disappear completely?
The only dream that ever comes true is one about peeing.
Liking your own Facebook status is like high-fiving yourself in public.
Fundraiser idea: Play 'Baby' by Justin Bieber constantly, and have people pay to make it stop.
New Year's Resolution: 1: Buy a padlock. 2: Find a person with Tunnel plugs( holes in their ear). 3: Lock it onto their ear. 4: Run.
Just bought some Emo grass seed for the lawn. It cuts itself!
We live a society where obesity is uprising and skinny jeans are a fad. Please help me.
Iasanamericanhavediscoveredanewwaytobelazyandthatisusingnospacebar.
I stood up and the button on my shirt fell off, I grabbed my bag and the handle broke off, and now I'm really afraid to go to the bathroom.
Video games have better plots than moves nowadays.
I met the girl of my dreams, then I woke up.
Don't lie to me! That's what the government does!
Dog: Man's best friend.
Cat: Man's reclusive roommate who poops in a box.
Does this XXXXL shirt make me look fat?
Do you think when midgets take drugs they get medium instead of high?
Did you ever noticed the word 'bed' actually looks like one?
I say 'Pika' every time before I sneeze.
Chuck Norris is a stupid actor! if he was a good actor he'd come over and slap my head on the keyknadjndbndkndbjdknskodokdnsnmanbsjdo
What people don't realize: Those people who think paying $60 for a video game is a waste just bought themselves a $300 pair of shoes.
I was looking at my family tree and noticed a dog peeing on it.
The best person for the job is the one who understands it well enough not to want it.
Ernie, would you like some ice cream? Sherbert!
Need a distraction? Not only does 12+1=11+2, but the letters "twelve plus one" rearrange to give you "eleven plus two".
Press Alt + F4 to finish the joke..
Shotgun Weddings : A wife or death situation.
I live everyday trying not to disappoint those three people who wrote "Stay Cool" in my yearbook.
Sometimes wisdom doesn't come with age, sometimes just age likes to show up.
I once had a girlfriend who could look into the future. She left me before we met.
one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, its 
You
As I said before, I never repeat myself!
I'm going to get a bumper sticker that says "If you can read this, I can slam on my breaks and sue you"
Just sold my car for gas money.
Watching a blonde with lipstick on her forehead, she must be making up hermind.
Watched a blonde staring at an orange juice for 20 minutes, finally asked her what she was doing and she said it said "concentrate"
I have a degree in art--you want fries with that?
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
- Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Just changed my ringtone to a busy signal. Why haven't I thought of this before?
If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
Beauty is only a light switch away.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
Just found a misspelled word in the dictionary... What do I do?!?!
I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays
If you see your friend Jack on an airplane, don't say Hi to him.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 pounds.
Did you hear about the paranoid dyslexic? He thought he was following someone.
I wish school was as easy as half the girls that go there.
The reason I don't watch Jersey Shore is because I can watch talking carrots on VeggieTales.
I still miss my ex-girlfriend, but my aim is improving
I wanted to lose weight so I went to the paint store. I heard I could get thinner there.
Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.
I would take a bullet for anybody, unless it was shot out of a gun.
Im sorry, did The middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
A men tells his doctor "Doc, help,I'm addicted to Twitter!" the doctor replies, "sorry, I dont follow you.."
It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's hilarious.
What is it called when I pay people off not to call it bribery?
I learn from the mistake of others who take my advice.
I put off more things by 9:00am than most people do all day.
People can be so full of crap. They should consider a laxative.
Why'd The blonde get fired from The M&M factory? She threw away all The W's
If a man with no arms has a gun, is he armed?
What's the other word for synonym?
I'm amazed swearing isn't a part of Driver's Ed.
Just saw a guy hairier than Chewbacca dipped in Rogaine
I'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.
Originality is The art of concealing your sources.
Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence.
Follow your dreams, except for the one where your naked at work.
Got some new underwear today, well, to me.
I'm not a pessimist. I have a B Negative blood type.
Want to save money on car insurance? Flee the scene!
They need to change the national bird to Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Nothing makes me feel more in control then the shaking, panicking icons when I'm about to delete an app.
Can't find the bottom of my shoes. Guess I have some sole searching to do.
Went to open mic night and it was just some dude talking about his life.
I'm throwing a party for people who have issues with orgasms. Can you come?
Twilight's like soccer. They run around for two hours, nobody scores, and its billion fans claim you just don't understand.
Why do women live longer, peaceful lives? Because they don't have a wife!
Girl: Do you know, why were females created before males?
Boy: Because God needed a rough funny draft before the final copy!
Do you know when you are in hospital, your friends ask: Hi, how are you dear?
But your best friends ask: Hey buddy, how is the nurse?
My girlfriend thinks I'm a workaholic, to prove her wrong, I only worked a double shift on the weekends instead of a triple.
"Inverted sit-ups" is just a fancy name for lay-downs. I can only do one. But I can hold it for a long time.
I wish there was a cereal with human shaped things to eat, then I could be a cereal killer.
If a deaf person swears, does their mom wash their hands with soap?
My best friend ran off to become a mime, I haven't heard from him since.
"The biggest problem with using the Internet is you never know if it's reliable or not" -Abraham Lincoln
I was just awarded a trophy for laziness. All I need now is for someone to accept it on my behalf.
The first person who pulled an egg out from under a chicken's butt and ate it must have been really freaking hungry.
Teachers know when you are texting. I mean, are you really looking at your crotch and smiling?
If there was a hero that saved people from awkward conversations, he'd be more popular than Superman.
I'm on a diet where I eat everything and hope for a miracle.
Bad decisions=good stories.
My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.
Baby: What you can sleep like if you dont have one.
I saw a transvestite wearing a shirt that said "guess"
How fast does a Zebra have to run before it looks grey?
I have a time machine. But it only goes forward at a regular speed.
Whale watching is very similar to watching disappointed people on a boat.
Home: A mobile home with a flat tire.
Renamed the router "Hide Your Kids, Hide Your Wi-Fi"
They should make a Rosetta Stone for men to understand women.
Be there in 5 minutes, if not, read this again.
I think the most unrealistic thing about Harry Potter is the fact a Ginger had two friends.
When I see people in camouflage I bump into them and say"Whoa, sorry I didnt see you there".
My math professor staples Burger King applications to failed tests.
Girls, if a guy pauses a video game to text you back, marry him.
Are straight and gay pirates after the same booty?
I'm going to make an ice cream name "Genetics" so then people have an excuse to be so fat.
I'm going to make a shirt for fat people that says "I beat anorexia".
Why did the phone wear glasses? He lost his contacts.
I see a striking resemblance between Justin Bieber and Elton John.
I hate Lay's for selling me air in a bag with a little bit of chips.
Back in my day, we had NINE planets.
Respect your parents. They did school without google or Wikipedia.
Why'd the idiots at Microsoft buy Skype for over $10 million dollars when they can download it for free?
I think the worst part about being an Asian is trying to tell whether you blinked in a picture or not.
Tickling: Like being raped, but you're forced to laugh.
When MW3 was released in Iraq, they called it Sims.
I think Emos just like the way their hair smells.
Fighting for peace is like having sex for virginity.
LOOK LEFT ----------------------------> fail.
Study: The act of watching TV, texting and eating with an open textbook nearby.
I wish Google Maps had an 'Avoid the Ghetto' routing option.
I wanna throw a party with fake alcohol and see how many people act wasted.
Those laxative commercials seem to go right through me.
Sick of being so tired? Well there's a nap for that.
I was reading 'The History of Glue' last night--I couldn't put it down.
I wish my only problem in life was fighting over how many millions of dollars I make. #Lockout
That moment where you're trying to work but a bunch of YouTube videos keep popping up.
I wont jump in front of a bullet for anyone. Because if I have time to jump in front, you have time to move.
I'm quitting eating these Thanksgiving leftovers; cold turkey.
I would be the funniest man alive if I had no morality.
Him: You're sexy!
Her: And I Know it!
Him: LMFAO, good one!
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
I've got a friend whose butler is missing his left arm--serves him right.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I'll probably put it in the front room.
People who say "Give it 100%" haven't ever donated blood, have they?
It really bugs me that OCD isn't alphabetized.
The mail has became so slow that the seeds I ordered arrived in full bloom.
My family's new television has parental control.

I'm gonna use it to get my mom to make me a sandwich.
Note to thieves: Steal from a thug, chances are his PIN #s are one of three 4-letter swear words.
I watch pom. You misread that, didn't you?
Modern Warfare 3: The ultimate form of birth control.
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
Recent Sperm Bank Review: "I love coming here"
Going to mcdonalds for a Salad is like going to a hooker for a hug.
Halloween: the only day you can get away with killing someone and leaving them on the front porch.
We went from playing doctor as kids to airport security as teenagers.
Humpty Dumpty died a crack head.
Deja Moo--Feeling like you've heard this Bull Crap before.
Just saw a blonde driving a smart car. I could make a joke out of this...
A thing to ponder: if the Pope uses the restroom, is it a holy crap?
Marriage is like game of poker. You start with pair and end with full house.
If prisoners get arrested, where do they go?
Just ordered a load of bubble wrap off eBay today. Just to see what it gets delivered in.
Cleavage - It's like the sun. It's okay to look, but dangerous to stare.
I think it is time I tell you what people are saying behind your back...! Nice Butt.
Funny Laws-Alaska: persons may not live in a trailer as it is being hiked across the city.
Funny Laws-Alaska: it is considered an offense to push a moose out of an airplane.
Q. Where do you find a one legged dog?
A. Where you left it.
Help keep America beautiful. Stay in your house!
Virginity is like a bubble, one prick and it's gone.
I never win at Scrable.
I'm sick of people lying to me. I asked three people what time it was and they all said something different.
The only regret I would have if I died in my sleep was going to bed.
What is a common illness for Judge's to have? Motion sickness.
Are Pi shops open 22/7?
All exorcism is: B(r)east Reduction
Tork is screwed up.
Torc is screwed up.
The technology of this weed-whacker is cutting hedge!
Women shouldn't have children after thirty. Because, really, thirty children should be enough.
I dont know what all this planking business is about, I just know Snoopy started it.
Where do women use the restroom? All I ever see on the bathroom signs are men and Scottish men.
Giraffes are the cockiest beings I've ever met, do you know how long it takes for them to swallow their pride?
I just want people to accept who I pretend I am
Why are hurricanes names after women? Because at first they are wet and wild, then take your home and cars away.
I love you. I love other words, too.
Just past my English exam.
The only plastic surgery I'll ever give my wife is cutting up her credit cards.
Super Bowl: 30 second clips of men running in between commercials
All trail mix is is deconstructed candy bars.
Women say we men have it easy because we haven't experienced childbirth. How the heck do they think we got here?
My girlfriend called me to break up with me because 'I don't understand the simplest concepts'--I said'Hang on, how'd you get in my phone?'
Word to the Women: It ain't the clothes that make you fat.
My girlfriend left me cause she's sick of me "quoting her all the time"...
Tired apostrophes risk falling into a comma.
My smart phone doesnt work. I push home and I'm still at work.
I hate helping people. I think I'll get a job at Apple.
I'd rather  have a dry sense of humor than slobber everywhere .
When I was born I was so smart I got my parents to feed me and dress me and carry me around with them all day.
Auto-correct can kiss my big fat hairy ask!
I always go off topic in middle of the Mediterranean where I had a lovely time.
Twinkle twinkle little slut, close your legs you filthy mutt.
I say the right things, to the wrong people.
I live life like how I type. Fast with a lot of mistakes that I'm too lazy to fix.
I Have faith in fools. In my friends' cases, they call it self-confidence.
Making another Facebook account with the name ' Nobody Actually ' to mess with people's heads when I like their statuses.
I think shooting for the stars is a waste of ammunition.
Life gets easier when youre part of the problem.
I fell in love at first sight...I probably should have looked twice.
I'm green. I use iPhone apps in my iPad to save pixels.
I'm always one step ahead of my girlfriend. When she dumped me, I told her the bags were already in the car.
I think my computer is female. She's always correcting my mistakes and telling me how to fix them.
Are there really rhetorical questions?
I was talking to my mate earlier when I thought to myself, "Why on earth are you called Earlier?"
I'm so proud of my hydration I don't even flush.
Since it's the thought that counts, I'll just keep thinking about getting that colonoscopy.
Ignoranus: an ignorant butthole.
Russian Roulette: You win some, you lose one.
When Sting retires, will he change his name to Stung?
Valentine's Day: the reason so many people are born in November.
I size zero considered 2D?
Retro Shopping: comparing prices after you have bought the item.
Unprotected sleep: sleeping without an alarm clock.
Grade Digger: the chick who only talks to me for help with her classes.
Enjoyed the wii-kend. Have I even blinked?
Barage: neighborhood garage transformed to look like a city bar.
What: A taunt used by gangsters.
Eargasm: climax of ear's pleasure, usually when listening to music. "Dude! I totally just had an eargasm man!"
Textpectation: Anticipation of receiving a new text.
Main: what a guys number one girl is. He fails to tell her about the others.
Playlistism: discrimination against people's choice of music.
Emaul: degrading someone via e-mail
Super Bowl: The only show that makes me want to watch the commercials.
Ho ho ho: Santa's cry, or three prostitutes.
E-void: the use of technology to avoid human contact.
To celebrate the last Harry Potter movie, I am going to cut a scar in my forehead.
I'm not old, I'm a classic.
Naps prevent old age, especially when you take them while driving.
I have a leak in my pipe.. Dam it!
I finally got my sportscar. Got a mad gash between my eyes from a football!
Life is like a bubble bath. All fun and games till till you get some in your eye.
Flashole: Someone who flashes you with their brights even though yours aren't on.
Gashole: A jerk who drives something that consumes a lot of gas.
Parentnoia:Parentnoia is the irrational fear parents have that their children are doing something wrong, or being hurt in some way.
Do you think if I charged my phone less it would do the same?
Icescapee: The ice cube that ends up on the floor when you break a new tray of ice.
Chevrolegs: The kind of vehicle you own when you can't afford a car. 

Your feet.
Body Spam: Unsolicited body contact.
ego-fart: Flatulence forced from one's body in a pompous, self-satisfying manner, without regard to the consideration of others.
email: Once an efficient and fast method of communication and message transferring, now a way of harassing Internet users with spam,
Peegret: Regretting not using the bathroom shortly after you leave a facility in which you were able to do so.
Congreenient: The practice of recycling, or being green, only when convenient. A person who only recycles when it is convenient to do so.
The stall stall: In public bathrooms, the act of remaining in a bathroom stall after having completed one's business, to maintain anonymity
YouTube has drastically changed my attention span from about three hours to three minutes.
Tanorexia: A disease like anorexia, no matter how tan a person is they never think they are tan enough.
Dweet: (v) Tweeting while intoxocated.
Thanksgiving: Another excuse for Americans to eat all day.
Geek: The people you pick on in high school and work for after.
NERD: One whose IQ exceeds their weight.
Twitter Bang: Hooking up with someone in less than 140 characters.
Hahaha: Used when "haha" just isn't funny enough.
Hangry: So hungry by the lack of food you become angry.
Love: Nature's way of tricking people into reproducing.
Unbrella: An umbrella which has no further use, as when a force of wind turns it inside-out
Headline: Suicidal twin accidentally kills sister
Microwave Mentality:
Having the attitude that if something can't be done in 5 minutes or less, it's not worth doing.
Productive Procrastination: The act of keeping busy with things that don't need to be done.
Bisexual: The ability to reach down someone's pants and be satisfied with whatever you find.
Engayed: The term used when two gays are engaged or want to become married.
Immature: What one redneck says to another when he wants his chair back.
"Hey, you done sat immature and I be wanting it back."
Everyone has weird neighbors. If you don't, you're the weird neighbors.
Why did we name our planet after dirt?
Why do so many people on Facebook take pictures of their mirrors?
Loves the time of year when things that blow up are legal.
I rate myself 9.84520137453850162 out of 10 for accuracy.
Sorry followers for being gone--Sorry I look so beat up. But, you see, the economy bounced back and I was standing in the way.
Today I took a class on castration It was all neuter me
"I feel depressed, lol"
Fishes miss a lot of calls. They always seem to be stuck on a line.
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.
In Beverly Hills...they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
We could learn alot from bees. Organization, productivity, community sacrifice, stinging people who annoy us...
I can't believe Pretzels are knot bread.
I won 'BSer of the year' but no one believed me.
Your girlfriend is rated E: for everyone.
FYI: Condoms are cheaper than diapers.
Marriage: Assisted Suicide.
Psychology - the art of pulling a habit out of a rat.
Here’s to being single – drinking doubles – and seeing triple!
ONN: Handmade Anti-Obama Sign Currently Frontrunner for Republican Presidential Nomination. "NoBama!"
Ambetextrous: able to text with both hands.
There's a lot of fish in the sea. Might as well catch a few, gut them, and throw them back in.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don’t generate a lot of interest.
I have a drinking problem. If Jake has 5 beers and Dan has 4…
eath is nature’s way of saying, Your table’s ready.
One reason I don’t drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.
Wise men don't need advice. Fools won't take it.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called my ex wife ugly...
I would have stayed with her for the money.
Why are Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home?
Let us be thankful for fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.
The beauty about telling the truth is you never have to remember anything.
My wife let's me show her who's boss every once in awhile.
Mental Note: Actual notes work better.
Have you seen the price of velcro? It's a ripoff!
Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.\
Without geography, you're nowhere.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience
My answering machine: Roses are red, some willows weep, please leave your message, after the beep.
So you know that phenomenon in 1990 that 150 sheep fell off a cliff? Well that's "unherd" of.
Giving up smoking is easy...I've done it hundreds of times.
The difference between the right word and almost the right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.
The Truth: S(he) be(lie)ve(d).
Marriage is a relationship wherein one person is always right and the other person is the husband.
Drive carefully! Remember, it's not only a car that can be recalled by it's maker.
That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.
Radioactive halibut will make fission chips.
I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re all right now.
Have no kids? 
Hire a babysitter anyway, 
say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. Return home and ask where your child is.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
If a star fell for every time I thought of you, the sky would look just as it does now.
I bought a waterbed in hopes that me and my girlfriend would eventually drift away.
* “The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common enemy.”
* It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.
Sign posted in a bathroom: We aim to please! You aim too! Please!
"A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be."
Roses are red; violets are blue; God made me pretty; what happened to you?
“A bargain is something you cannot use at a price you cannot resist."
46、 I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
43、The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
35、A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
31、I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
27、A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
21、How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
20、Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
* Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free.
* A religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend.
The future isn’t what it used to be.
He's not dead… he's electroencephalographically challenged.
Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements.
Now that Microsoft is so big, should it be called Macrosoft?
If you think about it long enough, you’ll see that it’s obvious.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing
Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxi cabs or cutting hair.
There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
Right after we broke up, my ex-girlfriend asked me how to change her relationship status on Facebook.
My girlfriend thinks I have a gambling addiction. She hasn't said anything, but I bet that's what she's thinking.
I'm 100% against animal cruelty. Nothing makes me sadder than when my dog makes fun of me.
Spring is when you feel like whistling even with a shoe full of slush
People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.
When at wal mart: tell manager over intercom to find your lost friend mike hunt
Experience is what you get when you don’t get what you want.
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams. Cause she'll be wanting some weird stuff.
Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are.
Do you think last night was the world record for intercourse?
I have a very open mind, people tell me they can feel a breeze when they sit next to me.
When I thought I found my groove, it turned out it was only a rut.
I always play fair when I make the rules.
If you can’t learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Please show your support of dyslexics and TR this.
I am yet to bite a moose that tastes like chocolate.
Kinstipation: the painful inability to get visiting relatives out.
I'm so great, I'm jealous of myself.
Health advice: the more birthdays you have, the longer you live. Guaranteed.
Dear IRS, please cancel my subscription.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
My girlfriend is pi�ata. I dont think things are gonna work out cause guys keep hitting on her.
The good news is that I dethatched the lawn. The bad news is thats all the lawn is made of.
I have a button on my microwave that says "stop time". I assume it means the timer but I don't touch it, just in case.
At least the garbage disposal eats what I cook.
I have a gift. Every time I approach something With wings, it flies away. It happens with women, too.
Opportunity once knocked..but you don't want to know what it left.
A cop pulled me over today and said: "papers".. so i said: "scissors, I win!"
This place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door.
A birdie told me I'm getting better at golf.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
I have no taste in women, but beside that fact, I like you.
Just bought a new 4D TV, it comes with integration of heat,cold,wet, wind, and different aromas. It's 6' by 4'. Its called a window.
Tried to look up blurry in the dictionary, but it wasn't very clear.
Fat is just another word for flavor.
I don't mind you talking so much, as long as you don't mind me not listening.
I'm unstoppable, I just can't seem to get started.
Is waiting for the istore to come up with a dollar menu.
I'm fed up with my boss for forcing me to stand on one leg every single day. Tomorrow I'm putting my foot down.
It's hard to explain how good my ability to describe things is.
Every time I see you I think about how much of a waste that 100 million years was.
lLimiting the freedom of news 'just a little bit' is in the same category with the classic example a little bit pregnant.
What do you say if a shooting range catches on fire?
What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning? A visitor.
1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance ... The 5 stages of buying gasoline.
lI fight for what I believe in. I am a mercenary, and I believe in money.
lAssassins Inc. We aim to please.
I put the toilet seat down as a gift to my mom.
I'll be a great mother some day.
-Dude on the street
lMy parents almost lost me as a child, but they didn't take me far enough into the woods.
Filled up his gas tank for only $48. It was just enough to finish mowing my front lawn:
lDon't take candy from strangers unless they offer you a ride.
lI was wondering why frisbees got bigger as they got closer then it hit me.
lSending Postcards From A Plane Crash (Wish You Were Here).
When I go big-game hunting, my weapon of choice is the remote.
If I was a pig, I'd get a tattoo of a coin slot on my back.
lYou can thank your lucky stars that everything I wish for will never come true.
LOL=lacking of literacy
If there's one thing I can't comprehend, it's common sense.
Travel tip: don't pack for the weather you want.
I was so poor when I grew up, I bought Popsicle sticks and just pretended like I was having a special treat.
May the 4th be with you.
I have high standards, but low expectations.
What does it mean if someone gives me half a peace sign?
My toilet is full of it. He's always loaded with crap.
If Bin laden had a $25 million price tag on his head, I can't help but wonder what kind of turban he was wearing.
Osama's last tweet: "I didn't know Twitter could enable your location, this may be a problem"
It's May Day, but I don't see any sinking ships.
Wanna lose weight? Buy super glue and get rid of that big mouth of yours!
lPeople are seldom too busy to stop and tell you how busy they are.
lThe funniest thing about this message is that by the time you realize it doesn't say anything you its too late for you to stop reading it.
I only watched the royal wedding for the bishop. I've always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Some mistakes are just too much to do only once.
What a gorgeous day to walk around outside staring at my phone.
lGet plenty of sleep. Be kind to your mind. You'll miss it when it's gone.
There's a gas pump icon on my car's dash that notifies me whenever my bank account is almost empty.
If you wanna make someone mad, lie. If you really wanna piss 'em off, tell the truth.
Looking forward to the day when my to-do list becomes my ta-da! list.
I'm apathetic, but I don't care.
Does the unknown, but I'm not sure, I've never heard it before.
It takes 26 muscles to smile and 62 muscles to frown, so don't ever say that I don't go out of my way for you.
I have never understood this whole Easter egg thing, Rabbits are mammals, aren't they? Happy Easter!
lDon't take candy from strangers unless they offer you a ride.
A good friend is worth pursuing. But why would a good friend be running away from me?
My son is allergic to peanuts. He breaks out in a rash every time I bring home my paycheck.
You know your out of shape when you get exhausted trying to get a gym membership.
To err is human, to forgive is divine. 
In other words, the forgiving is somebody else's job.
lShould vegetarians eat animal crackers?
How to make Easter easier - replace the t with an i.
lSmile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
lJoin the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
I always wonder, "how do they know where I live?" when movie commercials say"coming to a cinema near you".
Please don't interupt me while im ignoring you.
I am launching a new anti-social network called Get Out Of My Face Book.
lEarth is the insane asylum for the universe
My dad never loved me as a child. I can't blame him really. I wasn't born until he was an adult.
@doctormoose6 you've left?
Life is like a roller coaster, and I'm about to throw up.
Do gay people say, "That's so straight?"
I decided to be depressed today, just for fun.
lA paper should be like a mini skirt: long enough to cover everything, but short enough to keep it interesting.
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
Rebecca Black's Friday: a heartwarming song about a mentally retarded girl learning her days of the week.
lI'm not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.
lAre you thinking what I'm thinking that I think that you're thinking I'm thinking because if you think that I think we've got a problem.
lThose of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do.
Dating bridge builders will lead to truss issues.
It takes me three tries to get it right on the first attempt.
“Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.”
Who says Divine people dont have a sense of humor, they made me didn't they?
I once had an Internet girlfriend, but things just didn't click.
"I keep telling myself that I am a pathological liar, but I am not sure if I believe it."
It's been a really bad day for me. Firstly, my girlfriend got run over by a bus.Then, I lost my job at the bus company.
A good politician knows how to explain what is going to happen in the future, and then why it didn't happen.
The only thing Facebook is good for is saving me money on birthday cards.
Urinals need some anger management, they are always pissed.
If I was a burglar, I would take a shower after every burglary. I want to be sure to get a clean getaway.
It's good for a man to have a woman that cleans, cooks, and makes you laugh. It's also good If these women do not know each other.
If you think your dog can't count, try putting three dog treats in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
I got in the car with my drug dealer the other day. He drove around slowly for a while, before picking up speed.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?
"I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."
Going to church doesn't make you any more Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car.
I like Deja vus because I know what to do next
There's a fine line between holding hands and keeping her from shopping.
Minimum wage is for maximum losers.
My room is not messy; it is an obstacle course designed to keep me fit.
My play was a complete success. The audience was a failure.
If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
Monotheism is a gift from the gods.
Of course I can keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t keep them.
The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth.
An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building and after 50 floors says, "So far so good!"
An Irishman is never at peace except when he’s fighting.
I'm a perfectipnist.
We live in the WTF generation: Wikipedia, Twitter and Facebook.
Money isnt happiness. Spending it is!
Money isn't everything. You're credit is, however.
I have an on again off again relationship with clothing.
I’m proud of my humility.
Irony: working for an aluminum company and getting canned.
My agent told me to give it a couple years, but he'd make me an overnight success.
I once got asked if I knew the difference between ignorance and apathy. I told them I didn't know, and didn't care.
Why'd I spend all my childhood trying to save peach? She already has a man.
It's annoying when fat people say obesity "runs" in their family when clearly, nothing does.
When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.
The problem with beauty is that it's like being born rich and getting poorer.
You can't run from your problems forever. Eventually, you'll have to take a car or a plane.
I've made a product that increases the size of your basement. I hope it'll be a big cellar.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
I tried to teach my dog how to fetch. He just doesn't get it.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
I won't rest until I find a cure for Insomnia.
Mountain climbers are curious types. They always want to take another peak.
My 'Aha!' moments are other people's 'duh' moments.
What do hippies do if the trees hug back?
You know why they call them potato chips? (hint: omit the "c")
The lemming oath: "Repeat after me."
All medicines have one side effect in common: Reduction in disposable income.
I get a headache thinking past 140 characters.
Why are pilots so great at 'landing' jobs?
I've just started dating a librarian. She's a (book)keeper.
If you sing while playing Throwing a ball during baseball, will you have a good pitch?
Do you know what's coming back in style? Boomerangs.
I don't really balance my checking account so much as capsize it.
Put a "no U-turn" sign in a dead-end street.
I’m an optimistic pessimist… I look forward to the worst.
Why was the cold tap turned on?Because the other tap was so hot!
pirate walks into a bar and barman says" you have a steering wheel In your pants"the pirate said:Argh and it's been driving me nuts all day
If you're arrested on April Fool's Day, they should give you more than one phone call.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where she is.
I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
My math teacher asked me: "Do you understand inequalities?" I replied: "More or less."
Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Wife looks in mirror& says: "I look horrible, fat& ugly. Please say something nice about me." Husband: "Your eyesight is perfect..."
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
It just doesn't seem right to write your autobiography before your dead.
Dear microwave, Why are your minutes so much longer than normal ones? Sincerely, super hungry me.
I bet You I can stop gambling.
My dog is talented, he taught himself to say his own name. Woof.
California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
If you're not patient, you'll become one.
The best housewarming gift is fire.
For just $10 a month, You can reduce your annual salary by $120.
The worst job for a procrastinator? Ice sculpting.
Today, I decided to see the good in everyone I meet. And to make sure I could do it, I didn't leave the house.
❒Taken ❒Single ✔Addicted to Twitter
When a pessimist has nothing to worry about, he worries about why he has nothing to worry about.
I keep drinking six-packs, but my abs aren't getting anymore ripped.
I am the most pleasant person you'll ever meet. Until you wake me.
I saw this quote and I thought it was funny, "always remember me."-anonymous
A lesbian is just another woman trying to do a man's job.
Who ever says "words can't hurt you" has never been hit in the face with a dictionary.
Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind.
I'm not saying she's fat... I'm saying if I had to think of the five fattest people I know shed be three of them.
Hopped on the bus this morning, people were looking at me funny, so I decided to get in and sit down.
My bank balance is sick, I hope it gets better soon!
Daniel keep going, count is only at 40.
Unicorns aren't extinct - they just gained weight and are now called rhinos
It has been such a long time since I've thought longer than 140 characters.
Learn to spell, kids. Auto Correct isn't always write.
I exercise constantly. I am always running late.
Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.
My parents used to be happy when I took naps..now they think I'm lazy.
Is there rollover Madness that I can use in April?
There are more men than women in mental hospitals, which just goes to show who's driving whom crazy.
When someone says. "It tastes like crap." ....how do they know?
There's a fine line between being a tattle-tale And saving your own butt.
People talk about you. If they're not talking about you then you're boring.
If you fall once, get up. If you fall twice, get up. If you fall for the third time, tie your shoelaces already.
Early to rise, and early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.
A poor surgeon hurts 1 person at a time. A poor teacher hurts 130.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Amateurs wait for inspiration. The rest of us just get up and go to work.
Vampires can't see themselves in a mirror, so how come their hair is always so perfect?
The main thing I learned in high school was how to text without being caught.
Dream big! Nap often.
POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME REASON.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'Shut Up.'
I am desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
Two wrongs make a riot.
"Money doesn't buy happiness." That phrase should end in just kidding.
I cannot afford to waste my time making money
The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary.
If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else.
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either.
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
I'm trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep.
An egotist is someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
I’m not offended by all the dumb-blonde jokes because I know that I’m not dumb. I also know I’m not blonde - Dolly Parton
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.
Middle age is when you’ve met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.
I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?
"If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower."
"When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick."
"I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as heck."
"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
"The average person thinks he isn’t."
I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went  -  and I got it.
I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
My mother told me there were some cuties in the fridge. I got all excited, ran to the fridge and opened the door. But all I saw were oranges
Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here''
Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping.
Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy.One is to let her think she is having her own way,and the other is to let her have it
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?''.
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. So when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes.
I wonder if calendar business will go bankrupt in 2012.
A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.
He's turned his life around.  He used to be depressed and miserable.  Now he's miserable and depressed.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody.  Now I see that I should have been more specific.
What day do penguins hate most? Casual Fridays
The four most crucial words of mankind: righty-tighty, lefty-loosy
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.
Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
We do have a zeal for laughter in most situations, give or take a dentist.
Laughter is the sensation of feeling good all over and showing it principally in one place.
Irony: The Bible is the best-selling book in the world, with more than 50 copies a minute, but also the most shoplifted book.
Seven days without laughter makes one weak.
Laugh! When people are laughing, they're generally not killing each other.
Even if there is nothing to laugh about, laugh on credit.
You laugh at me because I am different, but I laugh at you because you are all the same
Here's to love - the only fire for which there is no insurance.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
My new years resolution is not to procrastinate.....oh, shoot!
My girlfriend thinks I'm too nosy, well she didn't say it, but I read it in her diary.
My girlfriend says I'm clueless. I haven't an idea what she is talking about.
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'Shut Up.'
Instead of getting married again,
I'm going to find a woman
I don't like and just give her a house.
If Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw Hamburgers?
Want a girl to fall in love with you? Use a thesaurus for a replacement of those lane words like cute and beautiful . It's working for me!
What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?

Some traffic signs say stop.
Valentines is 3 days away. You still have time to break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend before it's too late!
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
Time and Tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty.
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.
It is the ability to take a joke, not make one, that proves you have a sense of humor.
terrorists took a courthouse full of lawyers hostage.
They threatened to release one every hour unless their demands were met.
Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
A lifelong friend is someone you haven’t borrowed money from yet.
If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.
Every guy gets a crush on his teacher. It's normal. But wasn't Oedipus homeschooled?
One reason I don’t drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.
Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important.
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.
I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
I think we consider too much the good luck of the early bird and not enough the bad luck of the early worm.
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter.
Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
Why do old men have such bad language? They do "cross" words.
I would rather kill myself than commit suicide.
A blonde is watching the news and hears that 2 Brazilian men die in an accident. She cries and says, "Oh my gosh, how many is a brazilian?"
And then J.K. Rowling wrote, "And Harry woke up from his long, long dream"
A blonde walks to her mailbox-nothing. Comes out again-nothing. Neighbor says-Whats wrong? Blonde-My laptop keeps saying,"You've got mail!"
Two blondes were driving to Disneyland and the exit sign reads: DISNEYLAND LEFT. They started crying and headed home.
Asian parents: *Your report card comes home* YOU GOT C?! WHY YOU GET C?! YOU NO C-SIAN, YOU NO B-SIAN, YOU A-SIAN!
Bleach and latex gloves:$10. Plastic wrap, trash bags and duct tape:$ 20...Chainsaw:$200 The Horrified look on the cashiers face: PRICELESS!
"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.”
“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.”
"Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything."
What do you say if Satan sneezes?
A comedian does funny things. A good comedian does things funny.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
Who said nothing is impossible, i have been here doing nothing for the last hour.
If the world is a stage, I want to be the one operating the trap door.
last night i played a blank tape at full blast and the mime next door went nuts!
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.that way, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.
Never take life to seriously... your not getting out of it alive
For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday. #idontwanttobeold
Drive carefully! Remember, it's not only a car that can be recalled by it's maker.
Last night I layed in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself... Where's the roof gone?
Whoever said nothing was impossible never tryed slamming a revolving door.
A Pessimist is just an Optimist with previous experience.
Fact of life: after Monday and Tuesday, even the calender says W T F.
Those who criticise our generation seem to forget who raised it.
Children in the backseat cause accidents, Accidents in the backseat cause children.
Some Idiots says, "Behind every successful man, there is a woman" But nobody knows the fact "Women go only behind the successful men".
I threw caution into the wind, but the wind was blowing straight back at me.
A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't.
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.
I would love to have a battle of witts with you, but it seems that you have come unarmed.
I don't care what is written about me as long as it isn't true. ----Katherine Hepburn
Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn't seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces.
Optimists think the glass is half full. Pessimists think the glass is half empty. Realists know that someone will have to wash the glass.
Confidence is the feeling you sometimes have before you fully understand the situation.
I don't think I could stab anyone. I can barely put my straw through my Capri-Sun.
Man has his will, but woman has her way.
I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, 'So far so good!'
If you break your legs, don't come running to me.
Click the 'Start' button to Shut Down the computer.
It isn't an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Just bought a 12-ounce pound cake. How does That work?!
You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap.
Dolly Parton
Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" when they already know you don't have any?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
What do you suppose gives Stephen King nightmares?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Is it OK to use my AM radio after noon?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?
Failure is not an option. It is a privilege reserved only for those who try.
Stupidity's cause hasn't been advanced much by its many martyrs
Make love not war - or marry and do both.
The probability of someone watching you is directly related to the stupidity of your actions.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
The statement below is true. The statement above is false.
The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.
Did you hear that Johnny's left side was chopped off? It turned out that he was "alright!"
It is very simple to be happy, but it is very difficult to be simple. --
I'm proud of my humility.
I hate cliches because "They're a dime a dozen".
Bad becomes good when worse happens.
A woman met a man walking along the street wearing only one shoe. 'Just lost a shoe?' she asked. He answered, 'Nope, just found one'.
I am always ready to learn although I do not always like being taught.
If it's a Classified Ad, Why is it publicly published?
I am busy doing nothing.
‎If you want to get something done, give it to a busy man.
Martin Luther King Day: A day for all us white people to be embarrassed by our ancestors.
Not only am I redundant and superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.
Life is full of uncertainties...or I could be wrong about that?
Reality is a big, nasty, vicious dragon, but I don't believe in dragons.
I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.
Grammar has gots to be one of the most importantest things ever?
I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator! But I've never actually gotten around to doing it.
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
Avoid alliteration...always.
I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.
Evil isn't all bad.
Perspective is in the eye of the beholder.
What is the probability that something will happen according to the odds?
Is super para...gah! What was that??
The world's full of apathy, but I don't care.
What did the fly order at the restaurant? A number 2.
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.
There's no such thing as nonexistence.
I am making it my job to put the "fun" back into "funeral."
Come to Myspace and Twitter my Yahoo 
Til' I Google all over your Facebook.
Q: What do you do when an Antartian throws a pin at you?
A: Run, because the grenade is in her mouth!!
“Is your new horse well-behaved Charles?”
“Oh, yes Phil. When we come to a fence, he stops and lets me go over first.”
“Have you got any kittens going cheap?” Asked a customer in a pet shop.
“No, sir,” replied the owner. “All our kittens go “Meow.
Did you hear about the two radio antennas that got married? 
The wedding was terrible, but the reception was excellent!
Why was the student's report card wet?
Because his grades were below C-Level.
If you can’t find a lawyer who knows the law, find a lawyer who knows the judge.
What did the necktie say to the hat?
You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.
What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?
A piano.
What can you hold without ever touching it?
A conversation.
How can you get four suits for a dollar? Buy a deck of cards.
The kids next Door have challenged me to a water fight. I'm updating twitter while I wait for the kettle to boil.
grandpa always said,"Don't watch money; watch your health. So one day when I was watching my health, someone took my money.It was my grandpa
Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?" 
Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?
A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi. 
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.
Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework? 
Student: No, he did it all by himself.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores? 
"101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"
People make a resolution to lose weight.  I make a resolution to not take photos of myself. Problem solved.
Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering
It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women
I think that to counteract shoplifting, stores have rigged their scanners to automatically mark up the price that was on the shelf.
Do you know what my favorite machine to work in the Gym is? The vending machine.
The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.
If you do not like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question.
The paperless office will become a reality about the same time as the paperless toilet.
Frustration is not having anyone to blame but yourself.
I stink. I haven't showered since last year. #happynewyears
Snow blows. That's why they invented something to literalize that.
My parents told me they didn't have children. Are you as confused as I am?
Laugh at yourself. You'll never cease to be amused.
Never throw dirt when you're at war; you'll lose your ground.
If you die in an elevator, be sure to press the UP button.
Give a man a fire, and he is warm for the rest of the day. Set a man on fire, and he is warm for the rest of his life.
Take my advice; I don't use it anyway.
My friend came and asked me why I had two quarters in my ear. I said," I'm listening to 50 cent"
I am going to see if money really is happiness. I am now taking donations.
War determines who is left, not who is right.
What is a Woman's favorite book? A checkbook.
What are two things you can never have for Breakfast? Lunch and Dinner.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than letting him keep her.
Why do rooms filled with married people always seem so empty? Because there's not a single person in there. #marriage
What do short people like to drive? A mini-van #joke
Why do barbers become good drivers? They know all the short cuts.
Things to do in an elevator: alone with another person, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you
I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
I wasn't stealing, officer, in just wasn't shopping traditionally.
RAP: Retards Attempting Poetry
Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
Police arrested two kids yesterday,one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off
The funniest joke in the world isn't recorded. Every time someones tries to write it down, they die of laughter.
Guilt: a blanket of your own regrets.
Dear kids, those presents were not from Santa, they were from your parents. Sorry to disappoint.
Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
Best pickup line ever:
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
62	
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
19522523571
Grandma opens a present with a pair of earrings and grandpa leans over and says,"what are those, fish hooks?"
I am afraid of Santa-- I must be claustrophobic
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
So what happens if Big bird gets bankrupt and has a foreclosure? I mean.. He already lives on the street..
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Q: how many ADD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: wanna go ride a bikes???
My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters.
I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for member.
I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world.
I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out.
I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough...
I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked, "Do you have any firearms with you?" I said: "What do you need?"
animal behavior can warn you when something is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our  dog took the car and drove off
China has a population of a billion people. That means if you’re a one in a million, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ach.
Ach who?
Bless you.
Knock! Knock! 
Who's there?
Robin.
Robin Who?
Robin you so hand it over.
Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots.
In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.
Income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.
I'm really a timid person - I was beaten up by Quakers.
I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.
I don't believe in the afterlife, but I Brang a pair of clothes, just in case.
I don't know a lot about politics, but I can recognise a good party when I see one.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.
Don't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer somewhere else. #itstrueladies
Communism is like prohibition, it's a good idea but it won't work.
Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Thank goodness for electricity. Without it, we'd all be watching tv by candlelight.
Santa has the right idea.. Visit people once a year.
Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot.
More money is not more happiness. Cause I was just as happy at 40 million as I am now with 42 million
Never go to a doctors whose office plants have died.
Women are meant to be loved, not understood.
If you are going to send someone to save the world, make sure they like it the way it is.
I slept in the kitchen last night. Why? Because I wanted breakfast in bed.
If needing some personal room, join NASA, they'll give you plenty of space.
I may walk slowly, but unlike you, I never walk back.
I didnt lose, I just ran out of time to win.
Drive carefully. 90% of people are accidents.
Depression: Anger without enthusiasm
I'd kill for a Nobel peace prize.
I hung a foot with bullet shells on the extremities on my doorway.  I called it "missile-toe"
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
You know what is a "diet" is, don't you? It's "die" with a "t," that's what it is! -
Procrastination is like a credit card; it's a lot of fun until you get the bill.
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
When a man gives his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.
Why don't atheists ever become mathematicians? They don't believe in higher powers.
I think...therefore, I'm single.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who's mad at me for saying that.
Behind every successful man, there's a surprised woman.
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
9 in 10 people love chocolate. And the 10th person is a liar.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.
Girls fall for me, because I trip them.
My mind is like lightning. Once I have an idea, it's brilliant, extraordinary, and lasts a fraction of a second.
Digging a girl.. With a shovel.
My friend said I spent too much time in the fantasy world. His words blew me off my dragon.
It is easier to ask forgiveness than to ask permission.
My reality check bounced.
ThereS only one problem with my mid life crisis. I'm 16.
The only reason why the postal service is still around is letters to Santa.
I have a pet peeve about hearing other's pet peeves.
Girl: If you were my husband I would poison your coffee.
Boy: If you were my wife I’d drink it.
Who needs rhetorical questions?
I did not fall flat on my face. I was testing gravity, and just so you know, it still works.
Do you want to know how to make an idiot wait? I will tell you later.
Your intelligence is my common sense.
Clones are people two.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
LOL has gone from laugh out loud to there's nothing left to say.
just tweeted that your a twit.
I think men would be extinct if women didn't have chocolate available.
Why don't autobiographies ever end in someone writing a book?
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Among men, length of marriage correlates positively with hair loss.
Someone who eats their own food is a good cook, someone who laughs at their own jokes, is not funny.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
I've been in love with the same woman for years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!
If someone's addicted to rehab, then what?
Yeah, you can't judge a book by it's cover. But if the cover isn't appealing, I ain't reading it.
My 9-year-old sister just got a bank account. That just mean wr are out of the recession..right?
Are comedians funny or did they just never grow up?
The car mechanic handed the bill to the man and said," think of it this way, you came in with a junky car and came out with an expensive one
Chilean miners considered how funny it would be if they all died as soon as they finished the rescue tunnel
College is just high school with more expensive books.
Good girls Arent good. They just haven't gone bad yet.
Guy 1: look what I found? A needle in a haystack.
Guy 2: I can beat that, I found a job.
Guy 1: oooh, you win.
I love the looks people give me when I garden with no hoes.. Oh I mean shoes
Scariest part of Halloween? Giving away all your candy.
Wife to husband: " our neighbor is wondering if he could borrow his mower"
To do:cancel fishing trip, practice putting toilet seat down, teach wife how to check browser history------in your dreams, ladies.
Help wanted: telepath. You know where to apply.
Why do people want dollars to grow on trees? They're made from trees people.
Is there such thing as a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Laughing stock: Cattle with a sense of humor.
If you lend someone $20 and never see them again, it was probably worth it.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!
Two men walk into a bar... You would have thought the second one would have ducked....
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners? So men will understand them.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out, I just wanted a paycheck.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Atheism is a nonprophet organization.
By the time you finally understand grown-ups, you are one. Dennis the Menace
Is It wrong for a guy like me to have silk sheets? They're nice..
People say laughter is the best medicine, so instead of
Getting a flu shot, you can just look at my bank balance.
Will all those who believe in pyschokinesis please raise my hand?
My mother never saw the irony of calling me a son of a b
The worst part of censorship is ***********
don't judge a book by its movie.
Friends come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
The hardest thing about business is keeping your own.
Something impossible is just something that no one has done yet.
there are three types of people in this world: Those who can count, and those who cant.
Winter's coming, time to take off the stained satin sheets.
Video games ruined my life. Luckily, I have two more.
when life gives you lemons,
make grape juice,
then sit back,
and let the world wonder how you did it.
When I feel like life is going too fast, I go to the DMV.
Is it better to cheat, or repeat? #school
Don’t knock on death’s door. Hit the doorbell and run. He hates that.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!"
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
I had a guy message me saying, " you, are stunning" I replied, "yes, and straight too."
I want to kill the hottest person alive, but suicide is a crime.
1f u c4n r34d 7h15, u r34lly n33d 2 g37 4 l1f3.
I just gave a girl my number in roman numerals. If she can figure it out, she's worth a shot.
Don't steal, the government doesn't want any competition.
Facebook is like jail. You sit around and waste your time, you write on walls, and poke people you don't know.
2 guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked.
Did you hear about the romance between the two blood vessels?
They loved in vein....
Is it weird my favorite part of a girl is her frontal thigh?
A: Why are you crying? 
B: The elephant is dead. 
A: Was he your pet? 
B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave.
Whas that? Oh, it's the stank basket.
PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?" 
TEACHER:" Of course not." 
PUPIL: "Good, because I haven’t done my homework."
Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy.
Girls have tea time, guys have tee time.
Puts the "oopid" in "stupid"
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Ever have a fly land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to hit it with the cursor?
Why are wrong numbers never busy?
Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom? 
Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom? 
Little Johnny: But I asked first!
A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi. 
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.
Did Noah include termites on the ark?
A man complimented me on my driving today, there was a note on my windshield that said "parking fine"
Why do they leave out the letter B on "Garage Sale" Signs?
A politician is one who shakes your hand before election, and shakes your confidence after.
God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.
The computer beat me at chess, but I can sure as heck beat it at kickboxing.
If big elephants have big trunks, do small elephants have suitcases?
My two Mexican buddies were playing basketball with each other. I called it a Juan on Juan tournament.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud
What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!
Of course men can multitask, we read on the toilet.
Bosses are like slinkies. Never fun unless you seem them fall down the stairs.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
I don't have a big ego. I'm way too cool for that.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
You were born as an original, don't die as a copy!
Winter is now here. And Have I changed the stained silk sheets? No, but they've gotten worse.
A guy said, "I see the light at the end of the tunnel". I then told him, "yeah, it's a train". ------*smack*
Wrapping presents is easy you get your paper scissors/tape. Then you get a pitiful, helpless look on your faceand someone will do it for you
I was going to sue a neurosurgeon, but then he changed my mind.
I have a photographic memory, it's just out of film.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
I hope the guy who wants to make that million dollars so freaking bad makes $999,999.99 then gets hit by a bus. Via@amazingoneliner
Instead of a hammock, it should be called the nap-sack
The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
I put my left earphone in and said.. This doesn't feel right.
What do you do if a blonde throws you a grenade? Pull the pin and throw it back.
Only one thing keeps me from sticking to a diet. Food.
I'm beginning to think that if opportunity ever does knock, it'll be because it has to use my bathroom.
My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex. So I dumped her.
No wonder newborn babies cry. They've got nothing to eat, no clothes and they already owe the government money.
Without ME, it's just AWESO.
It was only 7 days ago, but it felt just like last week.
Look people I don't like exercise so I'm not going to walk a mile in your shoes. I'll judge you standing right here.
I told my wife I wanted breakfast in bed. She said go sleep in the kitchen.
Great minds don't think alike, great minds just think.
I'm not bald, my forehead just extends to the back of my neck.
The up-side to procrastination is you always have something to do tomorrow.
Just because your a parent, doesn't mean you have to be lame.
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
Procrastination has it's good side. You always have something to do tomorrow.
Life is like a Lambourghini. It goes too fast and it costs too much.
Answering Machine: "Hi! I'm probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message. If I don't call back, it's you."
I slept like a baby last night.... Waking up every 3 hours crying for food.
I've always wondered If someone has actually LMAO'd.
To steal from one is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
Slim: the line between genius and insane.
I consider "On Time" to be when I get there.
If it's till death do us part, we are all single in heaven right?
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Do you need a silencer to shoot a mime?
During a lecture on India, the teacher said a woman gives birth every 10 seconds in the country. A kid stood up and said, we gotta stop her!
Cooking is as easy as cake.
Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?
I couldn't repair your breaks, so I made your horn louder.
It all makes sense. If pro is opposite of con, then the opposite of progress..
Writing is nature's way of letting you know how sloppy your thinking is.
Wedding rings are too much like little handcuffs.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
I don't skinny dip, I phanny float!
I will start watching it when it's called "dancing off a cliff"
My boss thinks of me as a verb.
Those stairs move so fast! They slipped right out from under me.
A 40-year-old man called me swell. What the heck do I do now?
Your tongue weighs practically nothing. So why can't you hold it?
Has Tiny biceps, but they are getting fatter in the middle.
Odd? I'm completely whacked.
My friend tells me I am too lazy to think for myself. What's he mean?
Even if there is nothing to say, that hasn't stopped some people.
Honey, would you like a snack? "No" Then would you make me one?
If you want flattery girls, I'm your man. I have a steam roller ready to use.
If all else fails, lower your standards.
You're not living longer, you're just dying slower!
Bumper Sticker: Keep honking, I'm reloading.
I ran out of sick days, so now I call in dead.
I don't use toilet paper. I use hindkerchifs.
I knew I was going bald when it kept taking me longer and longer to wash my face.
A dictionary is the only place where eighth comes before first.
Money does grow on trees! Banks have branches don't they?
With Harry Potter, Oprah, and letterman all done, I guess the world is really ending.
That Ke$ha song, Blah Blah Blah, the Chase she was talking about, yeah. It's me.
We no longer live in the real world. We live in the reel world.
Of course it's in the last place you look. You're not gonna keep looking after that..right?
Why are all blonde jokes one-liners? So men can understand them.
When i grow older, I want to be a couple with my wife.. Not a couple of parents.
While driving the car on a cross country trip I decided to lose 120 pounds of ugly fat... I left my wife at a rest stop...
Wife: germs last on paper money for up to 27 days! Husband: *opens empty wallet* don't worry, we're safe.
Tsk..a slinky riding the escalator. I swear, laziness has taken over this country!
As Mr Peanut left his house, he said to his wife, "see you, I'll be back in a Jif"
I dropped 30 lbs over the summer. "oh yeah? And what happened to your foot?" that's where I dropped the 30 lb sandbag.
I like putting notes on peoples windshields saying I smashes their car and did an amazing job fixing it.
Facebook Movie showtimes: 4:00 6:00 8:00 10:00.  Twitter Showtimes: 4:00 4:02 4:06 4:08
Humpty Dumpty's last words. " man I had a good summer. I just hope I have a great fall!"
The only time you would ever would want to wear a vegetable costume is in a gladiator stadium full of carnivores
Marriage is grand, but divorce is 50 grand.
Indebted: when you use your visa to pay off your MasterCard.
Should Jack be considered a number?
Big TV dinners=big TVs
My friends' kids' names began from a-z. after they had George, they named their next girl Zack. I don't think they wanted anymore kids.
What do you say to God when he sneezes?
When I was born, the doctor came  to the waiting room and said to my father, I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled thru
I was an ugly kid, when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
A girl called me, she told me to come over because no one was home. Sure enough, no one was there.
If winning isn't everything, why do we keep score?
If God meant for us to be naked, he would have fit our skin better on.
I don't consider myself bald. I consider myself taller than my hair.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his butt.
Why do people have hot water heaters? If the waters hot, why heat it?
If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
I hope baby oil doesn't come from where it says it does..
What happens if a book on how to fail, sells? Is it now a success?
If you urinate in a pair of swim goggles and strap them to your face you won't need Instagram anymore.
Need experience for job. Need job for experience.
What did the triangle say to the circle? You're so pointless.
My friend dropped his box of Italian pastries on the floor. I cannoli imagine what he must be going through.
I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
The common misconception that polar bears live in Antarctica is crazy, that place is unbearable.
A pirate who wants to stay healthy takes Vitamin "Sea".
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
Having sex in elevators is wrong on so many levels.
I can't stand math teachers. They've got too many problems.
My girlfriend changed after she became a vegetarian. It's like I've never seen herbivore.
"They told me to play safe, so I played with one" - Thief
If 'being obnoxious' was an Olympic event you'd win every time!
"Nothing is really lost until your mom can't find it."
Sleep + social life = bad grades. Good grades + sleep = no social life. Good grades + social life = no sleep.
Once upon a time I accidentialy smashed my face in the keyboard and wrote the 5th Twighlight book.
Chuck Norris doesn't flush his toilet. He just scares the shit out of it!
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my girlfriend threw at me.
I found the key to success. Now, I just need to find the lock.
A wise man once said nothing.
My fan has three speeds: useless, useless and wind tunnel.
You should check out this really expensive chair I just bought. It's in Section 6, row 20 at the stadium.
The five stages of Monday: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Wine.
Sophisticated listening devices are nothing new. Where I live, we call them 'neighbors'.
People say 60 is the new 40...the cop that pulled me over this morning disagreed.
When Aryabhatta checked my exam papers, he invented zero.
According to all the latest reports, there was no truth in any of the earlier reports.
Math: Only place where people buy 60 watermelons and no one wonders why.
I used to think that getting dumped is the worst feeling in the world until last night when a 5 GB download failed at 99%.
My girlfriend and I broke up due to religious differences... She failed to worship me
My neighbors loved the music so much when I turned it up, that they invited the police to listen.
Women drivers are like stars in the sky. You can see them, but they can't see you.
A burp is just a fart that took the elevator.
The first rule for those with a bad memory: 1)
The letter 'q' needs to get a real job.
The closest to perfection most people ever get is when they're filling out a job application.
CAUTION: Reading the entire medication warning may cause drowsi....
Falling in love is like riding a bike. There's always a chance you might get run over.
Tomorrow: A mystical land where 99% of all human productivity, motivation, and achievement is stored.
You should know you'll get loud when you start drinking. It says right there on the label, "Alcohol by volume."
The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run.
Someone tell Facebook that all relationships are complicated.
I wish some conversations came with a fast-forward button.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Hey, to whoever invented the zero: Thanks for nothing.
I was the first person to injure themselves during The Safety Dance.
I wish I could remember that joke I heard about Alzheimer's.
Just saw a politician trying to save both faces.
Wow what a rush, I was just recognized in public! I didn't think that wanted poster was still in circulation.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
This day is pregnant with possibilities, but I just found out they're not mine.
Very few things upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.
WARNING: If you do it right the first time, they'll ask you to do it again.
Socks have the highest divorce rate.
Wife and daughter are out of town, which means I'm the man of the house now.
Let's grow old together. You go first.
I live life in the fast lane ... with a stream of cars behind me, horns blaring.
A fool and his money are never around when you need them.
Men look at a woman's behind and go "Oh! What an ass!" Women look at a man's face and go "Oh! What an ass!"
My brother's in prison for something he didn't do. He didn't run fast enough.
They shouldn't call it "office politics", if you can't really vote out the bosses.
You can tell a lot by the way a woman walks. Like if she walks away, she's probably not into you.
I have reliable inside information about Apple's next product. I will not be able to afford it.
I really need to stop talking to my cat. Right meow.
I have some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.
Twitter has saved me from a terrifying keeping-my-thoughts-to-myself addiction.
Let's all get drunk and correct each other's grammar.
That awkward moment when someone you hate thinks your opinion is valid.
Titanic 3D is out. You guys think they'll see the iceberg this time?
The "National Tell A Lie Day" was just another day for every politician.
The most terrifying thing a woman can say to me is "notice anything different?"
Galaxy Note jokes are the new "Yo Mamma So Fat" jokes.
Men think about sex every sex words. I mean six words.
The three fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Twitter and tell-a woman.
What is the similarity between Bill Gates & me? Don't know? 
He never comes to my house & I never go to his house EGO PROBLEMS YOU KNOW.
Pretending to write when the teacher starts calling on random people.
Immature: A word boring people use to describe fun people.
A bikini is an outfit where 90% of a women's body is exposed and men are decent enough to stare at the 10% that is covered.
I changed my car horn sound to gunshots, people move out of the way much faster now.
When I die, I want to be buried with some random animal bone like a Giraffe; just to confuse future archaeologists.
No one makes a bigger deal about driving to work than firetrucks.
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.
I'm really tired from all of this metamorphosizing from a single cell.
I don't know why the boss calls it a week's wages when it only lasts for a day.
Every once in a while, it's important to show my kids who's boss. (I do this by pointing to my wife.)
Can you sue a Chinese restaurant for damages incurred as a result of bad fortune cookie advice?
Somewhere, a smart Laser eye surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
"What's the definition of anxiety?" 
"The half of the time when you're worried about the other half of the time."
Life is full of disappointments and I'm full of life.
Health insurance and homeowner's insurance are the same thing to a Turtle.
I used to own a party balloon company but I couldn't keep up with the high cost of inflation.
I don't understand how crows can fly so straight when there's so many crow bars around.
A bear hug isn't truly a bear hug unless it's administered by a real bear.
Hundreds of kids are shipped off to "Mime Boarding School" every year, never to be heard from again.
I like to lead by bad example.
You haven't truly won an argument until the other person says "whatever."
It doesn’t matter what it is. If it glows in the dark, It's automatically cool.
After reading this you will notice that the the brain doesn't notice the second "the".
The speed I drive my car is related to the type of music I'm listening to.
The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell their body parts for money.
I don't have bad handwriting. I have my own font.
Whoever said that I can't cook obviously hasn't tasted my cereal.
I don't have a short temper, I just have a quick reaction to bullsh*t.
I MUSTACHE you a question, but I'll SHAVE it for later.
Grammar is the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.
Kiss me if I'm wrong. But dinosaurs still exist right?
Committing suicide is a 6 step process. 
Step 1: Find the edge of a cliff....
....now take 5 more steps.
Cashiers are always checking me out.
"You're like a coin." ... 
"Awwww, valuable?" ... 
"Nope, two faced"
I asked my girl what she wanted for Christmas this year, and she said "Surprise me"... So I phoned her from Hawaii.
I was pulled over by the police... "Have we been drinking sir" "No" I replied. "I don't remember you buying me a pint"
Roses are dead, Violets are dead, I'm shit at gardening.
Truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time, but it isn't going away.
I always try not to judge people. Which is probably why I lost my job as a judge!
I used to like my neighbours, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi.
Officer to drunk boy : "How high are you?" Drunk Boy: No officer, its "Hi! How are you?"
What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent "moovies".
After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF!
Yesterday I sent out a text saying, "Hey I lost my phone, will you call it?" 10 people called me. I need smarter friends.
When you really want to slap someone, do it and say "Mosquito!!"
My Dad was behind bars for twenty years. Heck of a bartender he was.
I looked at your trophy wife. I see you didn't win first place.
My imaginary friends are real. They just happen to be friends with other people except me.
I'm having a bit of car trouble...mainly because I can't afford to put gas in it.
Lost an hour. Bet it's somewhere with my keys.
I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice.
I got slapped at work today. I only asked if she spits or swallows. It seemed like a reasonable question considering we work as wine tasters
You're everything I never wanted.
Sometimes pain is just nature's way of telling you that you're the nail instead of the hammer.
My Sony receiver just told me to standby as it was turning off. Next thing you know it'll want me to hug it.
My boss has a heart of gold. Or whatever metal they're using these days to make robot hearts.
A paper cut is a tree's last revenge.
If 14th March was truly a Pi Day, then it would never end.
Sometimes, I wish I could hit the snooze button on coworkers.
It's a shame that stupidity can't be converted into a usable energy source.
Most mathematicians don't realize, there's an easy way to round Pi. Just add an "e".
For all the things done in its name, Love should complain more about identity theft.
Robots are never anxious because they have nerves of steel.
You never truly understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.
Karma is only a bitch if you are.
I can't put into words how much I love my wife. I'm illiterate!
Being sick can really affect your grades in school. The kid my son cheats off of was out all last week.
I had three dates today. They were incredible. Three more tomorrow. Thing is, I have to finish this box of dates before it expires.
I tried to kill a spider with hair spray. It's still alive but its hair look amazing!
My new house has a circular driveway. I can't get out.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
I got the chips for my Super Bowl party. The dips should be arriving any minute.
Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.
My calculator is missing the minus button but, on the plus side, it still works.
A criminal's best asset is his lie ability.
I just got off the phone with my mother. She called 12 years ago.
My body is a temple. That is, it feels and looks like something that was destroyed by the Romans some 2500 years ago.
If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.
If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.
Once in a while I take the blame when the dog farts, just to pay him back.
Wanted to be a farmer at one time, but it turned out to be the wrong field for me.
Know what the two pessimists did when they first met? They shook their heads.
I did not fight my way up the food chain to be a vegetarian.p162
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
I have a phone interview tomorrow. What are some good questions to ask a phone?
I'd put more jokes about sex on here but I don't know much about it. I'm a married man.
Beer doesn't make you FAT, it makes you LEAN....Against walls, tables, chairs, floors, and ugly people.
While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it....thanks Mario Kart.
The boss says they passed over a lot of good people before they hired me.
Doctor: "The best thing you can do is give up drinking and smoking and eat healthy foods." 
Patient: "What's the second best thing?"
George Washington could not tell a lie, and thus would be an abject failure in politics today.
My ex-wife believed marriage should be between a man, a woman, her mother, her sisters, & the neighbors across the street.
People from the east and west coasts call this part of the country "the heartland" so they can bypass it.
They say 5 out of 4 people have problems with fractions.
We will continue having meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done.
"Doctor! Doctor! I snore so loudly, I wake myself up at night."
"Have you tried sleeping in another room?"
My wife has a contract to give lectures. It's called a marriage license.
Today I told my mom I broke into a homeless man house. She grounded me.p176
Changed my computer password to "silence". Apparently the wife doesn't know that word.
Got a new job working at the police station sketching pictures of suspects. I'm a con artist.
Math may not teach us how to add love or how to minus hate. But it gives us every reason to hope that "every problem has a solution".
I just read an article about the wages of alcoholism. So wait... you can get paid for that?
If loving you is wrong, I've probably loved you.
10 things you will never know about me: 
1-
Every new McDonald's creates 40 jobs. 20 dentists and 20 heart surgeons!
Pizza is like sex, when it is good it's VERY GOOD, when it's bad...it's still pretty good.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
I'm for politicians doing two terms. One in office and one in jail.
Popcorn is probably my favorite food that explodes before you eat it.
The main ingredient in hand sanitizer is paranoia.
The tongue weighs practically nothing, but only a few people can hold it.
A pessimist counting his blessings, "10...9...8...7...6...5..."
Remember, there are two words in life that will open a lot of doors for you. Push and Pull.
The only thing longer than my honey-do list is my honey-don't list.
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
I start everyday with a sit up. I've done nearly 10,000 so far.
If adult diapers are called 'Depends', then baby diapers should be called 'Definitely'.
If you want my opinion you'll have to ask my wife for it.
Yesterday was International Women's Day. It was actually supposed to be held on the day before yesterday but they took too long to get ready
Fable: a story told by a teenager arriving home three hours after curfew.
I always cry at the same spot in the movies. Right at the ticket window.
At the bank, I told the cashier, "I'd like to open a joint account please." 
Cashier: "OK, with whom?" 
Me: "Whoever has lots of money."
You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example.
First rule of gun safety: Don't piss me off.
Before you wed that lawyer, remember you're about to marry someone who's been professionally trained to argue.
How do you know an Asian broke into your home? Your dog has been eaten, math homework's done, & he's still trying to leave your driveway.
What are the pros and cons of wearing two watches? On one hand, you have a watch, but on the other hand, you have a watch.
I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night. The loud beeping was giving me a headache and made me feel dizzy
I invented a new word. Plagiarism.
9 out of 10 doctors recommended for children to drink water instead of soda. That 1 doctor lives in flint michigan
Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. I think we should split up."
Me: "Good idea. We can cover more ground that way."
My Dad got a new pair of pants. When I asked him how they fit, he said, "like a cheap castle". When I looked confused he said, "no ballroom"
The other day a clown held the door open for me. It was a nice jester.
I beat a black belt at karate. My next challenger is a green sock.
I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
A local movie theater was robbed of $600 worth of merchandise. The suspects stole 3 medium popcorns, 1 bag of skittles & 4 small diet cokes.
What did one butt cheek say to the other? If we stick together, we can stop this shit.
Did you see that Sargento Cheese is going to stop selling shredded cheese? They're trying to make America grate again
How do you know Justin Bieber is Canadian? Only a Canadian could get a #1 on Billboard with a song called Sorry.
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
What does a turtle and a pedophile have in common? They both want to get there before the hare does.
I was wondering what my parents did without the internet. None of my 13 siblings could tell me
My girl caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing. Apparently, "Heating your dinner" wasn't a good answer.
When Alexander Graham Bell finally finished inventing the telephone, he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris.
I went to a restaurant yesterday & the waitress had a black eye. When I ordered I spoke very slowly, because clearly she didn't listen well.
9 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
What does Arnold Schwarzenegger call a colonoscopy? A Cameron Diaz #SayItOutLoud
Three people having sex is called a threesome & four people having sex is called a foursome. I guess that's why everyone calls me handsome!
"Son, I don't think you're cut out to be a mime." "Was it something I said?" Asks the son. "Yes."
What's the difference between boy scouts and Jews? Boy scouts always come back from camp!
What's the best thing about being black? Not having to listen to awful dad jokes.
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? He heard the ref was blowing fouls
Do special ed teachers mark late students as tardy?
What's the difference between Bill Cosby and a Rap artist? The art
Why are Mike Tyson's eyes always red after sex? Pepper Spray
My wife told me I'm not allowed to impersonate a flamingo anymore. I had to put my foot down.
My girlfriend peed her pants and asked me if she was still beautiful. I told her, "urinate out of ten."
I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.
My lesbian neighbors got me a Rolex for Christmas. I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
I'm getting a little tired of these people coming to my door telling me I need to be "saved" or "I'll burn"... Stupid firefighters.
What kind of organization is Atheism? Non-prophet.
I told my wife we can have sex or go see Star Wars, she said, I'm on my period & Star Wars is sold out. She pulled some strings & got me in.
My friend asked me if the new Star Wars was in 3D. I said, yes, but they R2D2.
What's the rudest type of Elf? The GofuckyoursELF
Abortions are so fun. It really brings out the kid in you
5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.
What do you call cows that don't have a sense of humor? Feminists.
Why do Indians hate snow? It's white and it's on their land.
I'm 36 but have the body of an 18-year-old.  The police are pretty upset about it.
I got arrested for killing a black man. They charged me with impersonating a police officer.
"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital." "Bob, you've been a doctor for 8 years now, stop starting every call we have with that."
Won the lottery for a million dollars today so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. I now have $999,999.75
Why do midgets make bad parents? Cause they struggle to put food on the table
G/f left a note on the fridge. "It's not working. Can't take it anymore." Opened the fridge & the light came on. What the hell did she mean?
My favorite sexual position is the JFK. I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.
Why was the 6 month old African baby crying? It was having a mid life crisis
3 men are on a boat. They have 4 cigars, but nothing to light them with. They throw a cigar overboard & the boat becomes a cigar lighter.
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor? Laughing stock.
What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell
I have a phobia of over engineered buildings. It's a complex complex complex.
When life gives Charlie Sheen lemons, he fucks them and gives them lemon-aids
My girlfriend said to me "sex is better on vacation". That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.
What's the worst animal to play cards with? A cheetah. Because it'll rip your face off.
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer.
I like my puns like I like my sausages. The wurst ones are the best.
I almost got raped in jail. My family takes monopoly way too seriously.
My doctor diagnosed me with cancer and Alzheimer's. At least it isn't cancer.
What's the difference between American teenage girls & Muslim teenage girls? American teenage girls get stoned BEFORE they have sex.
What should you do when life gives you melons? Get tested for dyslexia.
The girl I lost my virginity to was retarded. I wanted my first time to be special.
I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He's never gonna give you Up
One in every two and a half men is HIV positive.
How many ants does it take to rent a house? Ten ants
What's 18 inches long and makes women scream at night? Crib Death.
What did the Mexican Firefighter name his twin sons? Jos� and Hose B
My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games. What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
Why do pediatricians get so frustrated? They have very little patients.
What do prime numbers and stoners have in common? The higher they are, the more spaced out they get
I'm addicted to having money in the bank. I really do suffer from withdrawals.
Today I gave my dead batteries away - Free of charge!
You hear about the newest member of the X-Men? Caitlyn Jenner
My boss said he's going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I've got a hunch it might be me.
Where would you park your camel? The Camelot.
What did the vampire say to the teacher? See you next period!
What do you call a teacher that doesn't fart in public? A private tooter.
Crocodiles can grow up to 20 feet, but most have just four.
Mike Tyson was arrested for beating up a pizza waitress. As he was finish eating, she asked "You wanna box for the rest of your pizza?"
There's two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says 'You man the guns, I'll drive'
Damn girl are you a smoke detector? Because you're super annoying and won't shut up
What do you call a dictionary on drugs? High definition.
I went to the doctor and he said "don't eat anything fatty." I asked " no bacon? No steak?" He replied "No fatty, just don't eat anything! "
Why do pencils shave? To look sharp.
A mexican magician told the audience he'll disappear on the count of three. He said "Uno, dos" *POOF*. He disappeared without a tres.
I want to tell a joke about Steve Jobs, but won't because it's not PC.
Life is like a box of chocolates; it doesn't last as long for fat people.
To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket...You can hide, but you can't run.
A Japanese man once tried to fake his own death. His family didn't bereave him.
What's Gordon Ramsay's favorite movie? IT'S FUCKING FROZEN
I, for one, like Roman Numerals
What is the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? Attire
Unfortunately I lost my Korean friend the other day. So Yung. She was my Seoul mate.
Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college. I don't think I can ever repay you.
I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn." Stupid firemen
Moses was the first person to use Control-C as a shortcut.
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooooo.
I like my women how I like my bicycles. Chained up in the garage and two tired for movement.
The Dentist says, "When was the last time you flossed?" The Patient replies, "You should know, you were there!"
How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her? She found another women's lipstick on his knuckles.
My grandfather had a stroke this week. He saw a picture of my grandmother when she was younger and couldn't help himself.
What kind of water do you put into a waterbed? Spring water
Here's a FedEx joke - actually, you'll get it tomorrow
Why are 9/11 victims the best readers? They can go through 94 stories in seconds!
A cop pulled over a Rabbi on Yom Kippur and said "hey you were speeding". The Rabbi replied "no, I'm fasting".
If I got $1 every time a woman said I was't her type, I'd be her type.
When I get mad I count down from ten out loud. I was arrested, the cops mistook me for a bomb.
Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifesaver. It's what he would have wanted.
I received an email from Google. It said, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards " I thought, "That's just spam."
My ex wife died so to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave. But first I filtered it through my kidneys.
Why did the computer crash? Because it had a bad driver!
What do you call a terrorist's girlfriend?  A Guantanamo Bae
What does the sign of an out of business brothel say? Beat it. We're closed.
Why are there no transvestites in space? Because there is zero drag.
America is going to suffer if Donald Trump becomes president. You could say they are going toup�e for it.
A policeman knocked on the door & said, "It looks like your wife has been in an accident..." I said "Yes but she has a great personality!"
I remember the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket... "How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One's really heavy, and the other's a little lighter.
How's Donald Trump going to get rid of all the Mexicans? Juan by Juan.
I threw a party for people who can't ejaculate. Nobody came.
Why is Def Leppard the best band to listen to while driving? Because you only need one arm to drum along
I'm really pleased with my new fridge magnet. So far I've got eight fridges.
Have you ever seen Puns: The Musical? If not, you really should. It's a great play on words.
Why did the cyclops quit teaching? He had only one pupil.
What was Spiderman's major in college? Web Design
It may be illegal to steal kitchen utensils, but what can I say? I'm a whisk taker
How do you blind an Asian woman? Put a windshield in front of her.
Did you hear about the pessimistic German vegetarian? He feared the wurst
I hate when people ask me what I'm see myself doing in 5 years. Its not like I have 2020 vision.
What does Donald Trump tell Barack Obama supporters? Orange Is The New Black
Anyone need a job? I hear Malaysia Airlines is looking for people.
Jared Fogle of Subway started and ended his career the same way. Trying to get into smaller pants.
A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining and asks "ladies, is anything ok?"
Diarrhea must be hereditary because it runs in your jeans.
Did you know humans are born with four kidneys? Two of them grow into adult knees.
What did the depressed ghost say to the psychiatrist? Thanks for lifting my spirits.
Why did 10 die? Because he was in the middle of 9/11
Hear about the baby with AIDS?  It never gets old
Why does Beyonce say "To the left, to the left"? Because black people have no rights.
Geno Smith went to throw a punch back, but it was short a few yards.
What does idk stand for? Literally everyone I ask says they don't know.
I hate it when homeless people shake their change cups at me. I get it, you have more money than me. No need to be a dick about it.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you. They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Can you believe that my neighbor knocked at my door at 2AM!? Luckily, I was up playing my drums.
Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."
Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work
Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on the windshield. It said, "Parking fine", so that was nice.
"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take"...is terrible advice for a recovering alcoholic.
When my employer asked if I had a criminal record I guess "highest number of robberies in an hour" wasn't the answer he was looking for.
Why do only 9/10 dentists recommend Crest toothpaste? The last dentist is busy killing a lion.
What do you call a marine who can't swim? A submarine.
Several toilets were stolen last night. Police say they have nothing to go on.
Is the KKK a good source of Potassium? Yes, because they're all bananas.
My boss said "You're the worst fucking train driver ever. How many trains have you derailed to date?" I replied "It's hard to keep track."
Why does a milking stool only have three legs? Because the cow has the udder.
50% of Japanese doctors have Cataracts. The other 50% drive Rincolns.
My wife told me she wanted the body of a stripper, but she screamed when I brought her one.
My friend really changed when she became a vegetarian. It's like I've never seen herbivore.
I've finally stopped drinking for good. Now I drink for evil
What did the Indian boy say to his mom before he left? Mumbai
What concert ticket costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Why did the guitarist go to jail? For fingering A minor
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze.
This joke is so dark that I hope it doesn't get shot by the police.
My doctor asked if I drink to excess. I told him I'll drink to anything.
I was going down on this chick when I noticed her pussy tasted like horse semen. I stopped and said "Oh, so that's how you died, Grandma."
My gf broke up with me, saying "You believe you're a Transformer. It's stupid." I said, "But, I can change!" She said, "There you go again!"
Never have unprotected sex with a cannibal. next thing you know, you'll have a baby in the oven.
I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back. Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.
What do you call a bear in the rain? A drizzly bear.
They are the nosiest type of pepper. They are always jalape�o in your business
What do you call crystal clear urine? 1080pee
Pretty soon the only place you will be able to buy a Confederate flag will be the black market. Oh the irony.
What is the capital of Greece? About �10
Why do girls always get mad when I try to read their shirts? It's not my fault I'm blind.
I started an emo salsa band. We're called Hispanic at the Disco
If Donald Trump gets elected president there's gonna be hell toup�e.
Did you hear about the woman who got attacked by a gang of mimes? They performed unspeakable acts on her.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin' Catholic
Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
What do you do if your kids start smoking? Take them out of the oven.
Why is the hipster sweating? Because he wore a scarf before it was cool.
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant. But apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
Why don't dentists display their awards? Because they want to prevent plaque build-up.
Why did Jon Snow stand in line for 6 hours at the Apple Store? For the watch
Why should you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
What do scientists and vegetables have in common? Stephen Hawking
I recently got sick at the airport. My doctor says it's a terminal illness.
If you have a bee in your hand what do you have in your eye? Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
I ended up in jail the other night and the guys across from me had glued themselves together. It was very con-fusing.
It's crazy how sexist the postal service is. I guess that's natural with such a mail dominated industry.
I got arrested the other day for holding a little girl's hand. They wanted to know where the rest of her body was
My friend thinks he's smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
There's no reason to be tailgating me when I'm doing 50 in a 35...and those flashing lights on your car look stupid.
How do you piss off a female archaeologist? Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it came from.
I've recently developed a severe phobia of elevators. I'm taking steps to avoid them.
What's the difference between a Penis and a paycheck? After five years your Wife will still blow your paycheck.
What do you call an Irishman who bounces off of walls? Rick O'Shea.
What happens to lawyers after they die? They lie still.
I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching....to reverse and leaving the scene.
A cannibal passed his friend in the woods.
What is E.T. short for? So he can fit on a spaceship.
My wife gave me a brochure on anger management the other day. I lost it.
The only B word you should call a girl is Beautiful. Bitches love to be called Beautiful
A suicide bomber says to his apprentice: "Watch carefully I can only do this once!"
What do you call a vehicle with no fuel in Africa? Outtagascar
How do you keep a blonde busy for years? Tell her to count the stairs on an escalator.
Why does Kim Jong Un love books. Because he's the glorious Reader
What do the films 'Titanic' and 'The Sixth Sense' have in common? Icy dead people.
Why did the pig buy flour and sugar? He felt like bacon.
Hao Long is a Chinese name.
What kind of weed do reptiles smoke? Mariguana.
What is a ghost's favorite type of porn? Booooookake
I like my women like I like my coffee. Hot and all over my crotch.
What do they call spiders in the Middle East? Iraqnids
Why do blind people walk their dogs so much?
My math teacher called me average. How mean!
What did 50 cent say to his grandma when she gave him a scarf for Christmas? Gee, you knit?
I went to the library. I said,"Can I borrow a book about suicide?" The guy said,"We did have one, but we never got it back."
I was in bed with a blind girl and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said, "You're pulling my leg."
Why do porn stars hate driving? Because people always pull out infront of them.
Did you hear the latest joke about Baltimore? It's a riot
I was walking by a car filled with black people. They locked the door when i came near. I felt like a bad ass until I realized it was my car
An old lady in front of me dropped $20 and I thought, "What would Jesus do?" So I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
What type of blood does a keyboard have? Typo
What did the doctor say to the angry midget? "I'm going to ask you to be a little patient."
What's the difference between being hungry and being horny? Where you put the cucumber.
I'm sick to death of cocaine dealers always sticking their business in other people's noses.
Why were the Paul Walker jokes removed from the Bieber Roast? Paul Walker has already been roasted.
I just finished designing a website for an orphanage. There isn't a home page
Why do Native Americans hate snow? Because it's white and settles on their land.
What do Iron man and Sarah Palin have in common? They both had a little Downey inside of them.
What musical group is Jesus most afraid of? Nine Inch Nails
My roommate's diary says I have boundary issues.
I was involved in a violent mugging this morning. On the plus side I did make $43 and I think the watch looks really good on me.
I told my wife I lost 10 lbs in one hour. "No way. That's impossible!" she said. "Trust me," I said, "I have no idea where our baby is."
What if a butterfly got a tramp stamp of a trashy white girl?
I got fired for sticking my dick in the pickle slicer at work. She got fired too. Sorry for gherkin your chain.
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife is dead.
Why are cars faster than motorcycles? Because motorcycles are two tired.
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend. It turns out it was just my imaginasian
How many McDonald's workers does it take to change a light bulb? None, because they can't climb the ladder.
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate. They both kill your dog
"What do cannibals like to eat on St. Patrick's Day? Corn Beef and Cabbage Patch Dolls!"
"How do construction workers remember their tasks? They drill them into their head!"
"What did one lesbian ghost say to the other? I like your booooooobs"
"What is Luke Skywalker's favorite coffee place? Java the hut!"
"Want to hear a joke about jalapeno poppers? Probably not because it's too queso fresco!"
"What did the pervert olive say to the sexy olive? I hope you take olive your clothes off!"
"What did Rick Astley say to his virginity? Never gonna give you up!"
"Why did the fat guy say to the midget? Don't be short with me or I'll eat you!"
"What did the cat say to the dog. You're purrrrfect!"
"Two Mexicans walk into a bar. One of them goes "Dios Mio that bar hurt!"
"Why did the bread cross the road. Because it was yeasty!"
Tomorrow I am going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid. I can't wait to see how big my puppy got.
A priest walks into a hotel & says "I hope the porn is disabled." The front desk guy replies "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."
People always ask 'how do you cope with erectile dysfunction'? Honestly, it's not that hard
I�m at the ATM when a robber holding his gun at my back asks: do you want to see your family again? I said "no". We both had a good laugh.
A dark skinned lady named Betty goes to the butcher and asks for some beef. The butcher replies: "Nooooo Black Betty, ham or lamb!"
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the sidewalk! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
My dad was fired from his job in road work for theft. I didn't believe it at first, but when I got home all the signs were there.
Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I'm coming after you. You have my word
A vulture gets on a plane carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant says, "Sorry sir, only one carrion item per passenger."
What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast.
Tell a girl she's beautiful & she'll remember it for days. Tell a girl she's fat & she'll always remember because an elephant never forgets.
Where do atheists donate their money? Non Prophet Organizations
1/3 Of people live next to a pedophile. Not me though, I live next to two really hot ten year old's!
Are you from Ireland? Cause when I look at you my penis is Dublin.
There's a new TV show about a plane hijacking. They just shot the pilot last week.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Why is there no black character in the game "Clue"? Because then it would be called "Solved."
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will be a pizza history.
Why are gay men always first to check-out of a hotel? They had their shit packed the night before.
My penis was in a world record book once...until the librarian told me to take it out
Capitalization can really change a sentence. For example:
I love to eat candy.
I love to eat capitalization. 


How does a black woman know she's pregnant? When she pulls out her tampon the cotton's been picked.
You gotta hand it to short people because they can't reach it
When a maple syrup producer sees a maple tree they don't own, do they think "I'd tap that"?
Why are male bathrooms on the left, & female bathrooms on the right? Because women are always right, even when they're full of shit.
Did you hear the one about the three deep holes in the ground? Well? well? well?
I was at the ATM when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance so I pushed her over.
Did you ever hear about the Lucky Charms leprechaun's evil twin? He was tragically malicious.
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
What do you do if your baby comes out black? Cook the next one on a lower temperature.
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I've never paid $300 bucks to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
Where does a dog go when he loses his tail? A re-tail store
What becomes shorter when you add 2 letters? Short
A falling battery killed a man today. It was charged with murder.
What's the best part about fucking twenty-eight year olds? They're twenty of them.
My black friend asked me if there's a colored printer in the library. I said "Shit man, it's 2015 you can use whatever printer you want!"
My wife was happy when I told her I put a load in the dishwasher until 9 months later when Consuela's baby came out looking just like me!
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear
What's the best part about dating a black girl? Not having to meet the father.
Today I was asked how I view lesbian relationships. Apparently "in HD" wasn't the right answer.
Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes
As I looked into her eyes I felt my knees go weak and my stomach turned to butterflies. That's when I realized I'd drugged the wrong glass.
What was Hitler's favorite video game? Mein Kraft
Why can't pirates finish the alphabet? They get lost at C.
Where do suicide bombers go when they die? Everywhere!
What do u call a hilarious Mexican herb?  Sillyantro
What do you call an airplane that flies backwards? A receding airline
What do you call a stoner with down syndrome? A baked potato.
What do you call a group of confused Spanish speaking racists? The �Qu� Qu� Qu�?
I don't know why I broke up with my girl at the gym. I guess we just weren't working out.
I once took a girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name.
"Son, I don't think you're cut out to be a mime." "Was it something I said?" Asks the son. "Yes."
What did the French man say when he tripped down the stairs? "Eiffel."
Why do Jihadist Muslims only drink instant coffee? 'Cause they hate the French press
Got fired from the market for being too violent. All I did was put out a sign that said, "take lettuce from top of pile or heads will roll!"
What's 7 inches long and hasn't been sucked in over 2 years? Whitney Houston's crack pipe.
Why are there no casinos in Africa? Too many cheetahs.
What's Bill Clinton's favorite instrument to play? His whore Monica.
What's the difference between a feminist and a computer? You can punch information into a computer.
When I was 6 I got coal from Santa. The next year I decided to get back at him & poison the cookies. The bastard found out and killed my dad
I had such a crap day. First my ex got run over by a bus. Then I got fired from my job as a bus driver.
Where does Walmart keep the Terminator toys? Aisle B, back.
Why are 490 Romans funny? Because XD
My girlfriend left me for an Indian guy. It's okay, I know he's going to treat her well. I heard they worship cows
What do I get when I pour my Root Beer into a square mug? Just Beer.
I broke up with this cross eyed girl. I thought she was seeing someone else.
Why do horses have such a low divorce rate? Because they're all in stable relationships.
I'm not sure what the first church on the moon will look like, but I'm sure the mass will be the same.
I have a bumper sticker that says, "honk if you think I'm sexy". I just sit at green lights until I feel good about myself.
Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve? All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.
What's the difference between Santa Claus and a jew? Santa goes down the chimney
Why does Santa have such a big sack? Because he only comes once a year.
What do Ethiopians get for Christmas? Hungry
Who says love is dead? Necrophiliacs
I'm making a TV series about a plane hijacking. We just shot the pilot.
Did Jesus ever get drunk? Not sure, but I heard he got hammered once.
I accidentally gave my girlfriend a glue stick instead of chapstick. She's still not talking to me.
What do they call Peter Pan in China? Peter Wok
I tried uploading my sex tape to PornHub. They told me to try Vine.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
Why can't Jesus eat a cheeseburger? Because he's dead.
Once I had a machine that made counterfeit pennies. I regret it now, but it made a lot of cents at the time.
How many people in denial does it take to change a light bulb? There is nothing wrong with the light bulb!
Why did the riot police show up early to the protest? They wanted to beat the crowd.
Somebody drilled a hole in the fence around the nudist colony. Police are looking into it.
Gay jokes aren't funny. Come on guys!
How can you tell my parents are abusive? Beats me
What do you call Dracula's retarded cousin? Countdown
Two consonants and a vowel go into a bar
What did Barack Obama say when he dropped his shell at the beach? Oh no Michelle!
I've been fired from work for putting in too many shifts. Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think.
The Nintendo 64 turned 18 last month, which means you can now legally blow the cartridges
Why is the camel called the ship of the desert? Because its full of Arab semen
Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends? Because he's married.
A Zen student asked his master, "Is it OK to use email?" "Yes," replied the master, "But no attachments."
Why is Darth Vader so famous? He was the first black man to admit he is the father. 
What did Santa say to the hooker? "Fuck the chimney, I'm cumming down her throat!"
What does a Russian woman say to stop her husband from abusing her? Vladislov, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more..
My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is getting better!
I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery. She was in charge of the hops.
Why didn't Sean Connery get his roof fixed? He said he "couldn't find a shingle person to do it."
A book fell on Sean Connery's head. He replies "I only have my shelf to blame".
When does Sean Connery show up to Wimbeldon? About tennish
Sean Connery found his niche. She was in the garden playing with his nephew.
Where does Sean Connery shit? On any chair he finds.
How does Sean Connery shave? Ctrl+S
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell today. Technically he said, 'Less McDonald's' but I'm pretty sure I knew what he meant.
Whats the difference between acne and a priest? Acne waits until a boy's 14 to come on his face.
Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? She didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.
Why didn't the skeleton show up to the party? He had no guts.
Why doesn't Superman need a boss? He already has supervision.
My wife is "like a plunger" when she gets drunk. She likes to bring up old shit.
What do ISIS and Little Miss Muffet have in common? They both have kurds in their way
What is al-queda's favorite football team? The New York Jets.
What's the difference between Sara Palin's mouth and her vagina? Only one retarded thing came out of her vagina.
What's better than seeing a woman wrestle? Seeing her box.
What's the the key to telling an ISIS joke? The execution.
Did you hear about the time Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for Christmas? He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
Girl are you sitting on an F5 key? Cause that ass is refreshing.
What do you call immigrants to Sweden? Artificial Swedeners
Why was Han Solo so suspicious when he put his penis inside Princess Leia for the first time? Because it was Luke warm.
What did the pirate do after his parrot bit off his genitals? He got a woodpecker.
Did you hear about the Leper going for the masturbation world record? Eventually he pulled it off!
Have you heard my joke about the Ebola outbreak yet? Eh... Nevermind. You probably won't get it.
Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.
What do you call a soldier who has been mustard gassed and pepper sprayed?  A seasoned veteran
Hickory Dickory Dock. Two mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one and the other got through with only minor injuries.
I heard Alabama changed the drinking age to 32. They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
Maybe I'm just ignorant. I don't know.
What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I've never begged to have a lentil on my face.
I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.
My name is David and I had my ID stolen the other day. Now they just call me Dav.
You are all too mean to fat people. You guys really need to lay off. They already have enough on their plates.
"Dad I don't want a puppy!" "Young Man, you'll eat what you're given in this house."
My psychiatrist says I have revenge issues. I'll show him.
Did you hear? Sting was kidnapped! The Police still have no lead.
If you ever get in a knife fight with a group of clowns, go for the juggler
You know what I find odd? Numbers that aren't divisible by 2.
My girlfriend is weird, she always starts conversations with, "Are you even listening to me!"
Why do bad farmers make good DJs? Because they've got sick beets!
Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
My Dad died recently, but unfortunately I slept in and missed the funeral. I guess I'm not a mourning person
Why aren't Mexicans ever indecisive? Because if they're on the fence too long they get caught.
Someone told me I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.
I had a bukkake party last night. It was a disaster. Nobody came.
How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb? Two. The light bulb you remove and the light bulb you replace it with.
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? My pad or yours.
How does a pregnant mermaid give birth? Sea-section
Why are aspirins white? Because they work
Did you hear about the limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
I put deodorant on only one armpit. I don't smell half bad.
Why is twelve an unfair number? Because it's two against one.
I was in Ferguson, got jumped by 5 black guys. It started right up, they said I just need to replace the battery.
How can you tell that the little mermaid is on her period? She's followed by sharks.
Did you hear a Payless Shoe Source got looted in Ferguson? The only thing left were the work boots.
Did you hear about the pizza boy who wanted to become a comedian? His jokes were cheesy, but his delivery was amazing!
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
Ever hear of the Tempura House? It's a home for lightly battered women.
What do you call a pile of cats?  A MEOWTAIN.
Did you hear the one about the wooden car? With the wooden wheels? And the wooden engine? It wooden work
Did you hear about the goth kid with dyslexia? He sold his soul to Santa.
Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops? It's counterproductive
A donkey had an IQ of 186. He had no friends at all though. because nobody likes a smart-ass.
Say, Ernie, want some Ice Cream? Sherbert
What do you call two ants that run away to get married? Antelopes
How did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? "I just need some space."
What did the little Iraqi girl tell her father after he bought her a new backpack? Thanks for the Baghdad.
Why did Dave Grohl buy such a tall house? He wanted to make sure he was getting the best, the best, the best, the best-a view.
The vet told me "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to put your dog down." I said. "WHY?!" Vet said: "Because my arms are getting tired."
How did Jesus get his abs? Cross Fit.
What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler
What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder without a protein shake? No whey Jos�
Why didn't the feminist get a job at the post office? Because she refused to work in a mail dominated industry.
What do you call a hot chick in Boston? A tourist
Why can't atheists solve exponential problems? Because they don't believe in higher powers.
A duck walks into the pharmacy to buy some chapstick and says "just put it on my bill"
Why is an executioner a terrible high-fiver? They always leave you hanging
What do you call an abortion in Prague? A canceled Czech.
How do Malaysian airlines serve all their drinks? On the rocks
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey!
My telescope broke the other day and I was hoping the local observatory could repair it. They said they'd look into it.
What did the man on the 100 MPH escalator say? "Well that escalated quickly" 
Say what you will about Jerry Sandusky but he was a damn good coach. He could turn a tight end into a wide receiver in no time.
Why don't jews eat pussy? It's too close to the gas chamber
Why do bulimics like KFC? It comes with a free bucket.
Why did the CIA torture the Russian wasp?  Because he was a cagey bee agent.
I heard a swimmer shout "Help shark help!!" I just laughed. I knew the shark wasn't going to help him!
I hate it when my neighbor's kids cry at night. Maybe I should give them back.
What's the difference between an Indian and an asshole? One smells like shit and the other is an asshole.
Why are domestic violence jokes funny? They always have great punchlines
What has five teeth and an I.Q. of three? The front row of a Willie Nelson concert.
Did you hear about the Ethiopian Vs. US soccer game? USA: 8 Ethiopia: Didn't.
How does a lawyer go to sleep? First he lies on one side, then the other
How do Ethiopians celebrate their kids first birthday? By putting flowers on their grave.
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? A tea bag stays in the cup longer!
Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish. Adolf Hitler made 6 million Jews toast.
I have a joke about pizza and a broken pencil. unfortunately it's cheesy and pointless
Why is Jesus bad at crossword puzzles? Because he gets stuck on across and can't get down either
What do ducks smoke? Qwack
How do you find a blind man on a nude beach? It is not hard.
Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson computer? It has two bytes and no memory
How did the hillbilly find his sister in the woods? Attractive.
Why did the old man hate living next to the tennis courts? He couldn't stand all the racket
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the oven until its bill withers.
How do you drown a hipster? In the main stream
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? They are really good at it.
What country does fried fish swim in? Greece
When I asked my friend how he's doing, he said "man, I'm just happy to be breathing". I told him he should have bigger aspirations.
What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas? COOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What do you call it when you open a soda for a buddy who is in outer space? An astrofizzassist.
What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip
What does every Pirate bachelor hate? A small chest with no booty.
What's the heaviest soup in Asia? Wonton soup. 
What did the gay man say to his cheating boyfriend? I see you already have your shit packed, now get out!
So this black guys stopped me on the subway and asked "did the Yankees win?" I said "Yes, it's ok, you're free now"
What do you call a nose with no body? Nobody nose. 
In what Californian city can you find waffles buried at the beach? Sandy Eggo.
A despondent Notorious B.I.G sits an empty suitcase on his bed & sighs. "I love going on vacation but I hate Tupac."
What do you call a monkey in a minefield? A baboom.
Why do teenage girls hang out in odd-numbered groups? Because they can't even.
How many ants are needed to fill an apartment? Ten-ants 
Yo Mamma so fat I took a picture of her last Christmas and its still printing.
When do Jews go swimming? When it Israeli hot 
What's the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period? You get your palm red for free.
How's an online college degree like a small pizza? Neither feeds a family of four.
Can Mississippi wear Delaware's New Jersey? I don't know but Alaska
What do you call a hooker who likes noodles? A Pastatute
What do you call a Mexican who's car got stolen? Carlos
How do you know you let a hippie stay at your house? He's still there.
What happened when the reporter fell into the water? She became an anchor
How can a room full of couples be empty? There isn't a single person left. 
What do you call an invisible mom that got a sex change. Transparent
Did you hear about the Mexican train hijacker? They say he had loco motives.
I combined all of the watches I own into a belt. It was a complete waste of time. 
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? she choked.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin' Catholic 
What do you call it when a chameleon won't change colors? A reptile dysfunction
Why did the banker eat lunch by himself? Because he was a loaner.
Wife: Why are you home so early?

Husband: My boss told me to go to hell.
What do you call a Frenchman that's been attacked by a bear? Claude 
Why couldn't the candle get any sleep? Because there's no rest for the wicked. 
How do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool. "Please get out of the pool".
Women are like hurricanes. First they blow you and then you lose your house.
Why is the alcoholic law student sad? Because he couldn't pass the bar.
What do you call a drummer that just broke up with his girlfriend? Homeless.
What do cannibals eat to freshen their breath? Men toes.
What do you call two chess enthusiasts bragging in a lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
How do you tell if someone's balls are sensitive? Give them a test-tickle
What happened when the orange slept with the dirty lemon? It got lemonaids
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and Irish funeral? One less drunk.
How are synagogues like lemons?  They're full of acidic juice.
What do you call a person who delivers Indian food? Currier.
What's the difference between the lavatory and the cemetery? No difference - when you gotta go, you gotta go!
What do you call a gay man milking a cow? A Dairy Queen.
What's the difference between a hamburger and a prostitute? A hamburger is better with cheese.
Why did the Native American sleep in the hotel lobby? He didn't have a reservation.
What did one math book say to the other? Man, I have problems. 
Why does Waldo wear stripes? Because he doesn't want to be spotted
What do you call a Blonde doing a handstand? A Brunette with bad breath.
What's a pirates favorite thing to knit? Scaaaaaarrves 
What's the difference between a cactus and a school bus? Cactus has little pricks on the outside
What gym equipment does Jesus use? A cross trainer
What's the Difference between NHL Players and the Jersey Shore Girls? NHL Players shower after three periods.
Why don't baseball players get much action? Because they have foul balls.
When can't a pen write out a check? When it's broke. 
You know I can see 6 years into the future? I have 2020 vision.
What's the difference between Jews and Christians? Jews get really angry, but Christians just get a little cross.
What do you call sunscreen in Ireland? Pubs
I heard a bunch of Japanese people chanting "We want rights! We want rights!" They must be scared of the dark or something.
What is a stalker's favorite part of a hospital? The I C U
Did you hear about the bastard frog? It was a tad unexpected. 
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "why the long face?" The horse, unable to understand English, shits on the floor & leaves.
Simba: Dad, what's the Super Bowl? Mufasa: No idea, we're lions.
Did you hear about the hard of hearing Mexican racist? He tried to join the que que que.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A mechanic
What does a donkey proctologist do? Assesses ass' asses.
Why was the computer tired when it got home? It was running all day. 
What does a Gynecologist and a Pizza Boy have in common? They can smell it but they can't eat it
What is yellow and lives off dead Beatles? Yoko Ono
What do aliens use for currency? Starbucks 
A police officer came up to me yesterday and said, "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "Kindergarten."
Why should you never date a tennis player? cause love means nothing to them.
Why did the sailor ground his son? His grades were below C level
What rock group has four men that don't sing? Mount rushmore
What do you call a Mexican who likes little kids? A Pedro phile
Why did Jesus drop out of the carpentry business? He got too attached to his work.
What do you call a closet full of lesbians? A lick her cabinet.
What's every movie critic's favorite cooking ingredient? Michael Bay Leaves. 
Why was the mathematician late for work? He took the rhombus. 
Why did the painting go to jail? It was framed. 
How do you make an octopus laugh? You give it ten tickles.
What do you call it when a DJ gets a blowjob while he's on the air? Radiohead
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it becomes a show where people pay money to ask questions.
Why did the blind fly starve to death? Because he couldn't see shit.
Why did the Eskimos have to stop partying? Because they ran out of Natural Light
Don't fart in the apple store. They don't have Windows
What was the victim of the car crash wearing? A Casual-Tee
What happened to the stressed out redhead? He ginger snapped
What is Kanye West's favourite kind of omelette? Omeletteyoufinish
How often did the asian cow go to the gym? Dairy
Why did the ghost go into the elevator? To lift his spirits. 
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife is dead.
What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence? An udder disaster. 
Did you hear about the guy who mixed Viagra and laxatives? He didn't know if he was coming or going.
Why did the cannibal have an upset stomach? He ate someone who disagreed with him.
Why did President Kennedy never get drunk? He wasn't very good at taking shots.
Wanna hear a joke about paper? Nevermind, it's tearable!  
A boy w/ diarrhea tells his Mom he needs Viagra. She asks "Why do u need that" He says "That's what u give Dad when his shit won't get hard"
Why can't ghosts make babies? They have hollow weenies!
I saw a cop pull over a U Haul today. Looks like he was trying to bust a move.
What happened to the fly that sat on the toilet seat? He got pissed off.
What do you get when you cross a genius with a hooker? A fucking know it all!
I'm sick and tired of people soaking my floor with their wet umbrellas when they come over to visit. I think it's time to make a stand.
Why has the pope never won a gold medal?  Because he always came in a little behind.
What did one unemployed cancer cell say to the other? Lets get Jobs!
What does diarrhea and a bar fight have in common? Blood on your stool.
How do you fix a broken jack-o-lantern? With a pumpkin patch 
Have you ever seen the inside of an ac compressor? It's really cool. 
How do you keep men on their toes? Raise the urinals
Why did Tony the Tiger go to prison? RRRrrrrrrrrrrrape!
Who's the world's most famous blacksmith? Will Smith
What do cannibals like to drink in the morning? Bloody Mary
How do you get down off an elephant? You don't. You get down off a goose.  
Why did the 14 year old Mexican girl end up pregnant? Because her teacher told her to go do an essay.
What does seven days without exercise make? One weak 
Why did the introduction and the conclusion break up? Because they were never on the same page
Asked Siri. "Surely it's not going to rain today?" She said, "it is, and dont call me Shirley". Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.
What do you call a mathematician at the beach? A tan gent.
What did the Mexican say when he was upset? I don't want to taco bout it because it's nacho business. 
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when asked to join a classical music costume contest?  "I'll be Bach"
What do you call a bear in the rain? A drizzly bear. 
Why does Ariel from the Little Mermaid wear seashells? Because the B-shells won't fit.
Why don't U2's lawyers ever make any money? All their work is pro Bono.
Why did the flattened can of Coke want to off itself? Because it was soda pressed!
Did you hear about the guy who won the anal sex competition? He actually came in the #2 spot.
What did the writer say when he glued himself to his book? That's my story and I'm sticking to it. 
What do you call it when batman skips church? Christian Bale.
I phoned in sick today. Boss: "Exactly how sick are you?" Me: "Well, I'm in bed with my 12 year old niece."
I broke into a shoe store and tied the laces together on all the womens' shoes. Bitches be trippin.
Did you hear about the girl who was dating the guy with the wooden leg? She broke it off 
9/11 jokes are just plane wrong.
Got fired today because I was caught masturbating with a vegetable. Nursing homes have strict rules about what you can do with patients.
What do you call an angry German? A sour kraut.
How do you kill a circus? Go straight for the juggler
Why are New Yorkers so depressed? Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey
Why should Steve Irwin have put on sunscreen? To protect himself from the harmful rays.
How do you feel when there's no more coffee? Depresso 
Why did the chef add extra oregano to the sauce? He was making up for lost thyme.  
How are peanut butter and jelly related? They're inbred
I decided to put laxatives in my weed brownies just for shits and giggles
What's Whitney Houston's favourite type of co-ordination? HAND-EEEEEYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEE
Did you hear about the rabbi who had to circumcise elephants? The pay was terrible but the tips were huge!
Why do Mexicans never cross the border in groups of 3? Because the sign says no tres-passing. 
You know what gets me down? An extra chromosome
Where do naughty rays of light go? Prism 
A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks how long till he can get a haircut. The barber replies, "About another half inch." 
If a stork brings white babies, and a blackbird black babies, what bird brings no babies? A Swallow.
My new thesaurus is terrible. It's also terrible.
They say shoe size is directly related to penis size. That makes the fear of clowns even worse
Why couldn't anyone hear Helen Keller scream? She was wearing mittens.
What do you call a boat that gives fresh breath? A Shipmint! 
Why did the Irish call their currency the "Punt"? Because it rhymes with Bank Manager
Why are gay men so great at fashion? They've spent so much time in the closet.
Which U.S. state abbreviation is the best? I'm not sure, but Oklahoma's is OK. 
Why did the blonde snort splenda? She thought it was diet coke. 
When can women make you a millionaire? When you're a billionaire.
Why are there only 239 beans in Irish stew? Because one more, and it'd be too farty.
What does a toilet, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common? Men usually miss all three.
How can you tell if Asians have broken into your house? The dog is gone, the homework is done, & they're still trying to leave your driveway
What does a guy with two right feet wear to the beach? Flop-flops. 
What's the square root of 69? Eight something.
How can you spot the prostitute at the Miss America pageant? She's wearing a sash that says Idaho.
What's the definition of a will? Come on, guys. The answer's a dead giveaway. 
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst!
My friend keeps telling me to stop impersonating butter. I can't, I'm on a roll now. 
What did the Jewish pedophile say? "Would you like to buy some candy"
Sorry for the lack of updates. Will continue in the next couple of days
Why doesn't Spiderman like rice? It reminds him of Uncle Ben.
Why did the book get stitches? Because he had his appendix removed. 
What did the DJ order from the deli? A club sandwich with extra beets.
Where do hippos go to school? The Hippocampus 
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Drivers License? Because she got an F in sex.
How do you blindfold an Asian woman? Put a windshield in front of her.
Most of my family has diarrhea. It runs in our jeans
Did you hear about the photographer that got locked in his darkroom? He died of exposure. It was not a pretty picture.
What do you call a gay drive-by? A fruit roll-up
What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek? If we stick together, we can stop this shit. 
Why are there no Irish lawyers? They can't pass the bar.
Did I ever post my Alzheimer's joke? I don't remember
How does the man on the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.  
Got slapped by a girl for asking "Do you spit or swallow?" I thought this was a reasonable question since we were at a wine tasting session
What is Tom Hanks' wireless password? 1forrest1
What sexual position creates the ugliest kids? Ask your parents. 
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable. You give him AIDS
Did you hear about the murder mystery porno? In the end, everyone did it.
My friends think I'm too indecisive. I don't know what to think of that
Breasts are like beer. Men may state a preference, but we'll take whatever's on tap.
Why was the leper hockey game canceled? There was a face-off in the corner.
What did Sean Connery say when a book fell on his head? "I have only my shelf to blame"
I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall. As he turned and sneered at me, I thought: 'that's a little condescending'.
What do you call a little Mexican? A paragraph, because he's not quite an essay.
What doesn't belong? Lobster, crab, tuna, or a Chinese man run over by a bus? Tuna. All others are crustaceans
Where do senior citizens often go to the restroom? Depends
What do you call a poor Italian neighborhood? A speghetto. 
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had loco motives
Why did the Dalai Lama visit Las Vegas? Tibet 
What should you do if you see a spaceman? Park in it, man. 
I saw this wino lying in a gutter eating grapes, I was like, "bro, you have to wait."
Why did they have to cancel the volleyball games in the special olympics? It wasn't going over too well.
Why did the female dog have trouble getting a gun after the background check law passed? Cuz Bitches be crazy.
Why did the French chef quit working at the haunted restaurant? He got cr�ped out. 
The man who invented the "VELCRO" died today. RIP.
Why did Isaac Newton's son know so much about gravity? The apple didn't fall far from the tree.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married? Feyonc�
Why did the traffic light turn red? You'd turn red too if you had to change in the street. 
How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb? Who cares? They never get the house anyway. 
What's the best dating service in India? Connect the dots.
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? Because he might get a hole in one. 
Where do Bees use the bathroom? At the BP station. 
What do you call a deaf man with no limbs? Whatever you want.
Why did the homeless man vote for Obama? Because he promised change.
What did the woman say to the vampire when she woke up with her period? " I made you breakfast in bed!"
What's long, black, and dangerous to cut? The line at KFC.
Hear the one about the miscarriage? I overheard it yesterday. The joke was funny but the delivery was all wrong
Why did the minus sign run for office? To make a difference. 
At my job I realized that some ass was giving names to all of the food in the refrigerator. Today I had a tuna sandwich named 'Bob'.
What does a perverted frog say? Rubbit.
hy was the guitar teacher arrested? For fingering A minor.
Why does Waldo wear stripes? Because he doesn't want to be spotted!
Did you hear about the guy with the invisible penis? He came out of nowhere.
What music do chickens listen to? Bach
What do you call a girl that raps about women rights? Feminem. 
Do Asian midgets take photos on their iPad Minis?
What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bath? One has hope in her soul..
Why was the mentally challenged midget crying? He was a little down.
What do an alcoholic and a necrophile have in common? They both like to crack open a cold one.
What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spectator. 
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky
What do trees take when they have a headache? Aleve. 
What do fat chicks and brick walls have in common? They both get laid by Mexicans.
What do a pimp and a redneck have in common? They both know how to throw a good hoe down.
It makes sense why women hate premature ejaculation so much. Our whole lives we're taught that nothing worth having comes easy.
What did the debater say after getting stabbed during an argument? Good point
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off.
What's the difference between a hockey player and a hippy chick? A hockey player showers after 3 periods.
What did the blonde say when her doctor told her that she was pregnant? "Is it mine"?
Why did the blonde starve to death? Her new phone came with a little packet in the box that said, "Do not eat."
How do you know that your wife is dead? The sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up.
What do you get when you run over a goose? Goose bumps.
New health study on the psychology of midgets shows that 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy
If you are an American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom? European
What do you call a rich Chinese person? Cha Ching
Why didn't Mr. Clean's wife ever get pregnant? He comes in a bottle.
Did you know 80% of Chinese have cataracts? The other 20% drive Rincolns.
What do fat women get for Valentine's day? Depressed.
Why do you never buy a woman a watch? Because there's a clock on the stove.
Why don't Mexicans cross the border in groups of three? Because it says "No Trespassing".
What does a necrophiliac get at a funeral? Mourning wood
Why don't they have gambling in Africa? There are too many cheetahs.
What did the judge order in his whiskey? Just ice
What do you call an obese psychic? A four chin teller.
I wanted to have sex with my girlfriend, but she was on her period. So I had to pull some strings.
What does a clock do when it gets hungry? It goes back four seconds. 
What do you guys think of message boards? I'm all forum. 
I was at a wedding the other day. It was so moving, even the cake was in tiers. 
Hear about the cross-eyed teacher? She just couldn't control her pupils.
Did you hear about the man who enjoyed having sex with fruit? Some people say he's not too weird, but I still think he's fucking bananas.
How do you pick up a smokin' hot Jewish girl? Broom and a Dustpan.
I organized a threesome last night. There were a couple of no-shows, but I still had a great time.
Why did Mr. Grape leave Mrs. Grape? He was tired of raisin kids. 
Why did the banker dump his girlfriend? He lost interest. 
What do you call a row of rabbits walking backwards? A receding hare line. 
What animal has two gray feet and two brown feet? An elephant with diarrhea.
Why don't Jewish cannibals like eating Germans? They give them gas.
Did you hear about the women who got wooden breast implants? A punchline would be funny here, Wooden Tit?
Why did the snowman take his pants off? He heard the snow blower was coming.
Why don't Italians like Jehovah's Witnesses? Italians don't like any witnesses..
How do you invite a Native Alaskan to your home? You Eskimover. 
Why do you never tease a fat girl with lisp? Because she's thick and tired of it.
How do you make a woman blind? Put a windshield in front of her.
Why did the chicken go to KFC? To see a chicken strip.
How does a dog catcher get paid? By the pound.
Why can't you trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
What did Earth say to the other planets? Wow, you guys have no life.
I accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles. My next dump could spell disaster
A painter billed me $0 after finishing painting my house. I asked, why $0? He said: "don't worry about the paint, it's on the house."
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
What does an angry pepper do? It gets jalepe�o face. 
I had a dog with no legs. I named him cigarette so I could take him for a drag.
What did the melon tell her boyfriend when he proposed? Yes but we cantaloupe. 
Why was the orphan so successful? When they told him "go big or go home", he only had one option.
Why are hipsters such great assassins? Because they hide the bodies in places no one has ever heard of.
Whats the difference between you and a calendar? A calendar has dates.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Hummer? The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the jaw.
Did you see the Broadway musical about the dictionary? It's a play on words. 
What do you do with 365 used condoms? ll them up into a tire and call it a Goodyear
What do you call it when a girl wipes back to front? A Choco-Taco
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife is dead.
What do you call a black man selling drugs? A pharmacist, you racist.
How do you make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles 
How do you turn a Fox into an Elephant? Marry her.
How many Vietnam veterans does it take to change a lightbulb? YOU DON'T KNOW MAN, YOU WEREN'T THERE!
There are 2 ducks. One duck pulls his pants down. What does the other duck see? His but-quack.
Have you heard about the Italian chef? He pasta way 
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say about the baritone? It's not a tuba.
What do tight pants and a cheap hotel have in common? No ballroom.
Did you know drinking beer makes you smart? It made Bud wiser.
What do you call a bunch of high Mexicans? Baked Beans
What's the difference between light and hard? You can sleep with a light on
How do you make a woman angry and sick at the same time? Cholera, bitch.
Did you hear about the Native American who drank 1000 glasses of tea? He drowned in his tea pee.
Why don't chickens wear undies? Because their peckers are on their faces.
Why does the hipster make crappy coffee? The beans are always under-ground.
What do fat girls and bricks have in common? They both get laid by Mexicans.
What do you call a food that turns black people on? An afro-disiac.
I got fired from my job at Pepsi..I tested positive for Coke.
What does a redneck and yeast have in common? They are both in-bread. 
At what point does a Lamb become a Sheep? When its had it's Baaaaa-Mitzvah! 
Why was the little ink blot so unhappy? Because his mother was in the pen, and they didn't know how long the sentence would be. 
What do skid marks on the toilet bowl and girlfriends have in common? They're both easy to piss off.
Did you hear about the testicular cancer survivor who won the lottery? When he found out, the guy went nut.
Why did Pee Wee Herman win the annual bass fishing contest? Experts say it's because he was a master baiter.
Have you heard the one about the baby with AIDS? It never gets old.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
What did the wall say when a fish ran into it? Dumb Bass 
What's the difference between an outlaw and an in- law? Outlaws are wanted. 
What do you call twin policemen? Copies. 
What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar? OH SNaP!
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office. I will find you. You have my Word. 
If Al Gore tried his hand as a musician, his album would be called Algorithms.
What do you call a cow's mate? Its significant udder. 
Have you guys heard about the new restaurant on the moon? Early critics say the food is good, but there's no atmosphere.
Have you guys heard the story about the butter? You know what, never mind. I don't want to spread it around. 
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
What do you call a Mexican with no car? Joaquin.
Did you hear about the Muslim Party? It was a blast.
Did you hear about the old chameleon that couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction. 
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? Oh sheet!
What did the baby corn say to momma corn? Where is popcorn. 
What do you get when you have 50 female pigs and 50 male deer? One hundred sowsand bucks 
Did you hear about the new "emo" grass? People love it because it cuts itself.
What does the highest paid WNBA player make? Sandwiches.
What did Jeffrey Dahmer sing as he went to the refrigerator? My Bologna had a first name.
What do you call a vegetarian crocodile in Egypt? a Croc-in-de-Nile.
Whats the difference between a fish and a piano? You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish!
What do you call a dead Mexican? Dearly deported.
Why doesn't Smokey the Bear have any children? Because every time his wife gets hot he beats her with a shovel.
What is the difference between a Mercedes and a Lexus? Princess Diana wouldn't be caught dead in a Lexus
What's the difference between iron-man and iron woman? One is a superhero and the other is a command.
As i handed my mom her 60th birthday card today she said "One would've been enough". 
Why can't Michael Jackson play chess? Because he doesn't know if he's black or white.
What happened to the two ants who got into a fight on a toilet seat? They got pissed off. 
How can you tell the Indians were here in America first? They had reservations.
Why is it important to have plenty of help when changing a light bulb? Many hands make light work.
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because seven was a six offender.
What do sea monsters like to eat? Fish and ships
What did one stoplight say to the other stoplight? Don't look! I'm changing!
Why is Bon Jovi's bed always messy? Because he doesn't think it matters if you make it or not.
What does the Chicago Cubs' name stand for? Completely Useless By September.
Called my boss, what's the different between work and your daughter. I will not be coming into work today.
Why should honeymoons only last six days? Because seven days makes a hole weak.
Did you hear about the apartment building that got blown up? Roomers were flying around.
I just found out my girlfriend has 50,000 bees. I think she's a keeper.
What do my son and wine have in common? They're both white, two years old, and in a box in my refrigerator.
"One man's trash is another man's treasure" is a great saying, but a terrible way to tell your kids that they're adopted.
I bet my butcher $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said "No, the steaks are too high".
Why did the guy have Ben Franklin tattooed on his penis? His girlfriend was great at blowing 100 bucks.
What's the biggest advantage of living in Switzerland? Well the flag's a big plus.
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Holy Roller
How does a Lead Guitar player change a light bulb? He doesn't, he just steals someone else's light!
What do you call a Mexican Midget? A paragraph, because they're too short to be an essay.
Why didn't the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe!
Why don't robot chickens play basketball? Too many technical fowls 
What can be found in a Judge's freezer? Just ice.
How many SEO experts does it take to change a lightbulb? lightbulbs buy light bulbs neon lights sex porn
What might a farmer put on his resume? Works well with udders. 
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? Dam
What's a Jewish dilemma? Free Ham.
How do color blind people see porn? In fifty shades of gray. 
Did you hear about the new farmers dating site? It's full of hoes.
What do you see when you drop a piano down a mineshaft? A flat minor.
How are Bungee jumping and visiting a prostitute alike? If the rubber breaks, you're dead.
I broke up with a Japanese girl last week. I had to drop the bomb twice before she got the message.
How do you get a fat girl into bed? Piece of cake.
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? The Dark Knight Rises.
What do you call a lesbian Eskimo? A Klondike
Why do Jewish men get circumcised? Because Jewish women can't resist anything 25% off.
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken. 
Have you heard of the corduroy pillow? Its making headlines.
I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a midget because he under stands.
Why did the Mexican girl get pregnant? Her teacher told her to go home and do an essay
Did you hear that David Copperfield has aids now? Yea, he was doing Magic.
Why did the chicken kill itself? To get to the other side.
Why was the baseball team hot? It didn't have any fans 
What does a shopping cart and a wheelchair have in common? They both can be used to carry vegetables. 
Why did the hipster go kayaking in a tributary? Rivers are too mainstream. 
How do we know the toothbrush was invented in Alabama? If it had been invented anywhere else, it would be called a teethbrush. 
What's a pirate's favorite letter? You'd think it would be the arrr but it's really the sea.
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad 
Did you know that trampolines used to actually be called jumpolines? That is, until 1982 when your mom got on one. 
Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of boats? If they fell forwards they would still be in the boat. 
What did sushi A say to sushi B? WASSA-B!
Why don't North Koreans go to heaven? Because they have no Seoul
How do you know that adam and eve were white? have you ever tried taking a rib from a black man.
How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her like an alter boy.
What's the worst thing your wife can say during sex? Honey I'm home
Does a rabbi charge a lot for circumcisions? No. He just keeps the tips.
What's the cheapest kind of meat? Deer balls, They're under a buck!
Why did the hippie drown? Because he was too far out, man.
Why are Native Americans the most successful strippers? Because when they dance, they make it rain.
Did you hear, there's no more ice in Poland? The old lady with the recipe died
What's black and screams? Stevie Wonder answering the iron. 
What's the difference between a refrigerator and a gay guy? The refrigerator doesn't fart when you take the meat out.
What do the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common? They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons.
How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but the light bulb has to want to change
What's the difference between a cow and 9/11? You can't milk a cow for a decade straight.
How do you get an 80-year-old woman to yell, "Fuck"? You get another 80-year-old woman right next to her to yell, "Bingo!"
What do you call water that bounces? Spring water. 
How does a Jewish mother change a light bulb? "No, that's all right. I'll just sit here in the dark."
What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car in front of an abortion clinic? Going in and asking for a coat hanger.
What has 12 hands, 12 legs, and 12 eyes? 12 pirates. 
A Rabbi and a Priest are walking in the park when they see a little boy. Priest: "Hey let's go screw that little boy" Rabbi: "Out of what?"
Why can't a Tyrannosaurus Rex clap? Because they're dead.
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only two, but they have to be really small.
How many ears does Spock have? Three: A right ear A left ear A final frontear. 
What did one saggy boob say to the other? We better get some support or people are gunna think we're nuts.
What did the scarf say to the hat? You go on ahead. I'll hang around
What did Mr.T say when he saw a fat lady at the bar? I pity the stool!
What did the Italian say when the eel swam by? That's a Moray.
Did you hear about how the Police were called to a daycare yesterday? A three-year-old was resisting a rest
Why can't Barbie get pregnant? Because Ken comes in a different box.
Want to hear a joke about sodium? Na 
What does it take to please an Amish woman? Two Mennonite.
How do you stop millions of children from going to bed hungry every night? Take away their beds
What's the difference between an arts student and a table? A table can support itself 
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta
What is Michael Jackson's favorite note? F minor. 
What does R. Kelly say when he's mad at his kid? Urine trouble. 
What do you call an alligator in a vest? Investigator
Did you hear about the man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray? They say that he's a seasoned veteran.
What do you call a hot dog with a sweater? A chili dog 
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? No, they eat the fingers separately.
Why is it always a good idea to pack asparagus when you go camping? In case your other agus breaks. 
What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large 
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breath through something so small?" 
You hear about the two guys that stole a calendar? They each got six months.
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick
How many 11s does it take to change a lightbulb? 9. 9 11 changed everything.
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
What's the definition of endless love? Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis
Why doesn't Smokey the bear have any kids? Every time his wife gets hot, he smacks her with a shovel.
Why do so many American kids die in school shootings? They're not allowed to run in the halls.
Who's Kony's favorite rapper? Soulja Boy.
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
What's a pedophile's favorite part of a hockey game? Before the first period.
Did you hear the one about the streaker who ran naked through a church? The priest caught him by the organ.
How many telemarketers does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but they have to do it during dinner.
What's the difference between a tornado and a divorce in the south? Nothing. Someone's losing a trailer either way.
What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller. 
I ordered an Asian Hooker, she arrived 2 hours late. She loves me wrong time.
Want to hear a joke about pizza? Nevermind, it's too cheesy. 
Why is it called PMS? Because mad cow disease was taken.
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
The frustrated cannibal threw up his hands.
Somebody threw some cheese at me in the supermarket the other day. I thought to myself "How dairy."
What do you call a girl with one leg? Eileen 
How do you make an archaeolgist mad? Give him a bloody tampon and ask him what period its from.
How do you make Holy water? You boil the Hell out of it. 
Why did Michael Jackson love to shop at Sears? He heard little boy's pants were half off. 
What does a Mexican cut his pizza with? Little Caesars
What's better than roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ.
What's a thesaurus's favorite cereal? Synonym Toast Crunch
What did the left nut say to the right nut? Don't talk to the guy in the middle, he's a dick.
What do sperm and politicians have in common? About 1 in every 500 or 600 million have a chance at becoming human.
What do terrorists do on vacation? They go waterboarding.
What do you call a leper in a jacuzzi? Stew.
Why was the pig in the kitchen? It was bacon.
What do you call a cow that has had an abortion? Decaffeinated
What do you get for stealing a slut's vegetables? Her peas.
What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt Senior have in common? Their last hit was the wall.
When does 1+1=3? When you don't use a condom.
What's the difference between Princess Diana and Tiger Woods? Tiger Woods has a better driver.
What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job? You just know she'll swallow.
Do you know how much cocaine Charlie Sheen did last year? Enough to kill 2 and 1/2 men.
What does it taste like when you go down on a old lady? Depends...
Mexican and Black jokes are all the same. Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.
Why does Michael J Fox make the best milkshakes? Because he uses the highest quality ingredients.
How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate his dinner before it was cool.
What's the difference between sex and golf? In golf one bad hole won't kill you.
What do you call a cow that's had an abortion? Decalfinated
Why is chili so annoying? Because it's always Jalope�o business.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator!
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say before he began his chess game? I'll be black.
Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would a foot. 
What's long and hard on a black man? The first grade.
Did you hear Mary had sex with god for cash? She just wanted to make a little prophet.
What gets louder as it gets smaller? A baby in a trash compactor.
What do you call a female peacock? A peacunt.
Who picks up shit from a seeing eye dog?
What do a burnt pizza, frozen beer, and a pregnant girl have in common? Someone didn't pull it out in time.
What's the difference between a joke and two dicks? You can't take a joke.
What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? Full.
How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party? The cake jumps out of the girl.
What do you call a gay dinosaur? Megasoreass
Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong socks before I went for a walk.
What do you do to a chemist after they die? You barium.
I've been reading a book about the history of glue. I can't put it down!
What do you call an epileptic in a lettuce patch? A seizure salad.
How much does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer.
What kind of monkey can fly? A hot air baboon.
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
Why did Hitler commit suicide? Because he got his gas bill.
How do you wake up Lady Gaga? Poke her face.
Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you'd a club and a spade.
How do you make a dead baby float? Add 2 scoops of ice cream. 
Michael J. Fox accidentally erases everything he draws on an Etch-a-Sketch.
Ever had Ethiopian food? No? Neither have they.
What does one lesbian vampire say to the other? See you next month.
Why can't you fool an aborted baby? Because it wasn't born yesterday.
What did the sadist do to the masochist? Nothing.
There are 3 kinds of people. Those who can count and those who can't.
A man gets the words "I LOVE YOU" tattooed on his penis. His wife tells him "Quit putting words in my mouth!"
My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
Why didn't the skeleton ask anyone on a date? He didn't have the guts!
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because he was dead.
If you spin a Chinese man around a hundred times does he get disoriented?
A dwarf got pick-pocketed the other day. How could they stoop so low?
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?" The horse does not respond because it is a horse.
What do you call the first Irish woman ever created? The McRib.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you already told her twice!
Piracy is killing the music industry. You try playing the guitar with a hook.
Are you a parking ticket? Because you have fine written all over you.
How do pigs get to a hospital? By riding in a hambulance.
A person went to a coffee shop. The waiter asked, "Do you want your coffee black?" The person replied, "What other colors do you have?"
Why did the scientist disconnect his doorbell? He wanted to win the Nobel Prize.
A few weeks ago, two cartoonists entered a contest. The result was a draw.
Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and left leg in a car accident? He's alright.
A guy walks into a bar. He's an alcoholic and it's slowly killing his family.
What would you get if your donkey ate the legs off my rooster? Two feet of my cock in your ass.
What do you call a puppy in a desert? A hot dog. 
What is red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
How do you clear out a veterans bingo hall? B 52.
What do Americans do immediately after winning the World Cup? Turn off the Playstation.
What is orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
Where do you find a zebra? 25 letters after A, bra.
What's gray, full of cement, and howls at the moon? A coyote (I just added the cement to make it harder).
What does a clock do when its hungry? Go back for seconds.
Why do rednecks like Halloween? Because they can Pump-Kin.
Have you heard my under construction joke? It's not done yet.
This girl came up to me and said she recognised me from vegetarian club. I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.
There's no need for women to behave the way they do on their period. It's an ovary action.
I went to Seoul the other day to sell fluorescent markers. It was the highlight of my Korea.
Knock knock  Who's there?  Britney Spears  Britney Spears who?  Knock knock  ... Who's there?  Oops I did it again.
Who's the coolest guy at the hospital? The ultrasound guy.
My wife was gang raped by a group of mimes. They performed unspeakable acts on her.
You can pick your friends and pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose
There are 10 kinds of people in this world: those who understand binary and those who don't.
Your head is so big, your ears are in different time zones.
Why did Jesus quit playing hockey? He was tired of getting nailed to the boards.
My wife is a famous porn star. She would be pissed if she found out.
A priest, a rabbi, and a blind man walk into a bar and the bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?
What did the buffalo say to its kid when it went to school? Bison.
Two soldiers are in a tank. One looks at the other and goes, "Blublublub!"
What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre.
Whats the difference between two dicks and a joke? You can't take a joke.
What's the difference between a mistress and a wife? About 30 pounds.
Did you hear about the new pirate movie? It's rated ARRRGH.
Why is there such a shortage of teachers in Africa? Teacher's aides
What do you call a pig with three eyes. Piiig.
What do vegetarian zombies eat? Graaaaaains.
Did you blow bubbles as a kid? Well, he's back in town and wants his money back.
In a Catholic boarding school, how do you know when to go to bed? The big hand touches the little hand.
What do ninjas drink? WATAH!
What's big, grey and makes you jump? The elephant of surprise.
What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand? Quatro Cinco
Why did Gateway computers go out of business? Because they led to stronger and addictive computers.
I used to know a joke about the hippocampus, but I forgot it.
A guy walked into a bar. He got a light concussion.
What's a Canadian's favorite letter? A.
A seal walks into a club. The doorman takes his coat.
My friend was just buried in a cemetery. It's okay, he was dying to get in.
Why can't you fool an aborted baby? He wasn't born yesterday.
What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner? The cold shoulder.
Why do mermaids wear seashells? They're too big for B-shells and too small for D-shells.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a-SALTED.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He didn't have the guts for it.
What does the Sun drink out of? Sunglasses.
What did the dog say to the tree? Bark.
What do you call a fish without an eye? A fsh.
What does an elephant use for a vibrator? An epileptic sheep.
What do you get if you cross a traffic warden with a dog? A barking ticket.
Did you hear the one about the Chinese Godfather? He made them an offer they couldn't understand.
How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only Juan.
What's the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods? Santa kept it down to three hos.
A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender says, "For you, no charge."
How can you tell if your girlfriend is getting fat? She fits into your wife's clothes.
How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb? It's an obscure number you've probably never heard of.
"President Bush is going to visit the Vatican. He says he's looking forward to meeting the Pope and Mrs. Pope."
What's the temperature in Motown right now? Three degrees, four tops.
What did the light bulb say to the switch? You turn me on.
What did the Zombie plumber cry? DRAAAAAINS. 
Why don't dinosaurs talk? Because they're dead.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. 
What's the worst part about two black guys going over a cliff in a van? They were my friends.
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
Women should not have children after 50. Really… 50 children are enough.
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Their names, if you know them. If not just say "excuse me".
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
A horse walks into a bar, the barman says, "Why the long face?" The horse replies, "I have cancer."
If you were a laser, you'd be set on stunning.
What's the difference between a mailbox and an elephant's asshole? You don't know? Remind me not to give you a letter to mail.
To my wife in bed - "Give me a Chilean Miner!" Her - "What's that?" Me- "Go down to the bottom of my shaft and stay there 'til Christmas!"
Two men walk into a bar, and the third one ducks.
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "is the bar tender here?".
Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass. The doctor described his condition as stable.
What kind of soup weighs 2000 lbs? Won ton soup.
What did Paris Hilton's left leg say to her right leg? nothing, they're never together. 
What do you call a female deer that's pickled? A dill doe. 
What did the prostitute say when she got out of the psychiatrist's shower? Well, that's another load off of my chest.
What do you call a leper in a hot tub? Stew.
I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
What do Mexicans and beans have in common? They both smell like beans.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and quivers? A nervous wreck. 
why dont vampires bite divorced MEN? beccause they have already been drained dry..
Why don't cannibals eat divorced women? They're bitter.
My friend drowned, and at the funeral, we got him flowers in the shape of a life vest. It's what he would have wanted.
What's worse than a joke about shit? A joke about shit that's corny.
As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog.
What did Santa Claus’s wife say during a thunderstorm? Come and look at the rain, dear.
A comedian entered a joke contest and sent in ten of his best one-liners and waited to see if he had won. Sadly no pun in ten did.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eyed-deer.
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend? Homeless.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you? Nacho cheese.
Why was the mushroom invited to the party? Because he's a fungi.
There are two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
Why don't seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they would be called bagels!
A man stole a case of soap from the corner store. The police said he made a clean getaway.
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? He heard the referee was blowing fowls.
What do you call a mexican with a rubber toe? Roberto!
What's positive about Africa? H.I.V.
What's the worst part about having sex with Marilyn Monroe? Maggots.
What's worse than finding a worm in you apple? Finding half a worm.
What's the worst thing a mother can say to her child? I should have swallowed you when I had the chance!
What's the most successful pickup line ever? "Does this smell like chloroform?"
How do you get a woman to stop giving blowjobs? Marry her.
Whats green, slimy and smells like ham? Kermit the Frog's finger.
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken.
A baby seal walks into a club...
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? AIDS.
Menstrual jokes are not funny. Period.
Holocaust jokes aren't funny. Anne Frankly, I won't stand for it.
Did you hear the joke about the deaf guy who walked into a bar? no! neither did he...
How many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Wanna go see a movie?
A man walks into a bar and says "ow".
What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench? The NBA
I like my women like I like my whiskey, Twelve years old and mixed up with coke.
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak!
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing. You done told her twice.
What did the Mexican say when his term paper flew out the window? - "Where you goin', essay?"
Borrow money from pessimists, they don't expect it back.
What's the difference between a musician and a large cheese pizza? A large cheese pizza can feed a family of four.
What do you call a black man who fixes your toilet? You call him a plumber you racist!
What did the egg say to the boiling water? It might take me awhile to get hard, I just got laid by this chick.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. Feminists can't change shit.
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty liter?
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.
What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his ass.
Why don't blondes have elevator jobs? They don't know the route.
How can you tell a Sumo wrestler from a feminist? A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? Pregnant
What do you call two skunks that are 69ing? Odor eaters
Did you hear about the Christmas themed porn? Jesus gets nailed.
Yo Mama is so fat it takes 3 warlocks to summon her.
Yo mama is so stupid, it took her two hours to watch 60 minutes.
Yo mama is so worn out, she has to have a baby just to get off.
Yo Mama is so fat, her nickname is "DAMN!"
Yo mama is so fat, she eats cereal out of a satellite dish.
Yo mama is so fat, she was baptized at Sea World.
Yo Mama is so fat she sat on a dollar and made four quarters.
Yo Mama is so fat, I told the bitch to haul ass and it took her two trips.
Yo Mama is so ugly, it affects her self-esteem.
Yo Mama is so stupid she enjoys the musical stylings of Nickelback.
Yo Mama is so fat she uses the equator as her belt.
Yo Mama is so fat that smaller fat people orbit around her.
Yo Mama is so dumb, she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
Yo mama is so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hotdogs.
Yo mama is so fat, that when she stepped on a scale, it said "to be continued"
Yo mama is so fat she has diabetes and an increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
Yo mama is so fat she needs a passport to roll over.
Yo mama is so poor she has the ducks throw bread at her.
Yo mama is so old that when I told her to act her own age she died.
Yo mama is so desperate she had sex with me!
Yo mama is so nasty she brings crabs to the beach.
Yo mama is so nasty I called her to say hello, and she ended up giving me an ear infection.
Yo Mama is so fat her BMI is measured in acres.
Yo mama is so poor her face is on the front of a foodstamp.
Yo Mama is so fat that when she died and was cremated, her ash caused the cancellation of flights across Europe.
Yo mama is so old she has a picture of Jesus in her yearbook.
Yo mama is so fat on the sixth day god created her.
Yo mama is so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."
Yo Mama is so ugly, she uses a line of makeup called "Why Bother".
Yo mama is so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.
Yo mama is so hairy you almost died of rugburn at birth.
Yo mama is so old she farts dust.
Yo mama is so old her social security number is 1!
Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up.
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.
What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip!
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.
Why did Michael Jackson start the race 10 minutes late? He wanted to come in a little behind.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
A girl went into the doctor's office with a strawberry up her ass. The doctor said I've got some "cream" for that.
What is invisible and smells like carrots? Rabbit farts.
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested? He was charged with battery.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The fight we had last night was my fault. My wife asked me what was on the TV and I said dust.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
How are an Arkansas Tornado and an Arkansas divorce the same? Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
What happens to a grape when an elephant sits on it? It lets out a little whine.
Why don't blind people like to sky dive? Because it scares the dog.
Why do golfers wear 2 pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one.
What happened to the kid who chugged 8 cokes? He burped 7up.
What kind of shoes are made out of banana peels? Slippers.
What did the letter say to the stamp? Stick to me and we'll go places.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The location of the dirt bag.
When I was in a supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?".
What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe? Canoes tip!
Two tampons walk down the street. Who says hi first. None, they are stuck up cunts.
Statistically 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. I've got a knife. Get in the back of the van.
What's big, gray, and unimportant? An irrelephant.
What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana? Tiger Woods has a better driver
Why did the Mexican throw his wife off of the roof? Tequila.
What did the cheese maker say after his factory was hit by lightning? I've created a muenster.
What do you get when you combine a comedian and a whorehouse? A BROFL.
I've got my first Gamblers Anonymous meeting tomorrow. I rang them today to check the time. It's ten to one.
You hear they're making a movie about constipation? The movie doesn't come out for a while.
I was riding a horse and it's leg broke so I had to shoot it. I'm not allowed on the carousel anymore.
How do crazy people go through the woods? They take the psychopath.
What's Irish and stays out all night? Patio Furniture.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for fresh prints.
Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella? Fo' drizzle.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One looks to the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"
What famous pig signed the Declaration of Independence? John Hamcock!
What's red, white, blue and green? A seasick Uncle Sam!
What do Japanese men do when they have erections? They vote.
Where can you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.
Two antennas got married. The ceremony was so-so, but the reception was fantastic.
A grasshopper walks into a bar & the bartender goes "we have a drink named after you". The grasshopper goes "you have a drink named Kevin?"
Sorry the hiatus folks.  We took a 2 month vacation to be serious.  We're back in full swing though.
Two muffins are in an oven. One of 'em says, "Wow, it's really hot in here." The other one says "Holy shit, a talking muffin!"
What do gay horses eat? Heyyyyyyyyyyy!
I quit my job in the helium balloon factory, I refuse to be spoken to in that tone
I was wondering why a frisbee looked bigger as it came closer, then it hit me.
What did the bra say to the hat? You go on a head, I'll give these two a lift!
Did you hear about the scarecrow that won a Nobel Prize for being outstanding in his field?
A Buddhist goes up to a hotdog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
What did the vampire say to the teacher? See you next period.
A sandwhich walks into a bar and the bartender says sorry buddy white breads only.
What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip
A guy walks into a bar and says "ow"
Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties? To find a tight seal.
What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe? Canoes tip
What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved. 
I used to own a motorcycle shop, but I had to sell it. I was always two tired.
A hamburger walks into a bar. The bartender goes "sorry we don't serve food here".
Why was tigger's head in the toilet? He was looking for pooh! 
I got tired of taking it on the chin..so I started swallowing.
Balloon boy imma let you finish but Anne frank had the best attic hideout of all time.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
A blind guy was on Wheel of Fortune. He asked if he can buy an I.
I have a gay friend who works in construction. He works in a manhole.
I went on the lamb because i got tired of fucking the sheep.
I got a part in the movie cocaine. I only had one line.
I got a letter from Africa. I didn't open it...certified blackmail.