BERT_Model.ipynb

{
 "cells": [
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 2,
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [],
   "source": [
    "import torch\n",
    "from transformers.file_utils import is_tf_available, is_torch_available, is_torch_tpu_available\n",
    "from transformers import BertTokenizerFast, BertForSequenceClassification\n",
    "from transformers import Trainer, TrainingArguments\n",
    "import numpy as np\n",
    "import random\n",
    "from sklearn.datasets import fetch_20newsgroups\n",
    "from sklearn.model_selection import train_test_split\n",
    "\n",
    "import re\n",
    "import pandas as pd\n",
    "from collections import Counter"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 3,
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [],
   "source": [
    "def set_seed(seed: int):\n",
    "    \"\"\"\n",
    "    Helper function for reproducible behavior to set the seed in ``random``, ``numpy``, ``torch`` and/or ``tf`` (if\n",
    "    installed).\n",
    "\n",
    "    Args:\n",
    "        seed (:obj:`int`): The seed to set.\n",
    "    \"\"\"\n",
    "    random.seed(seed)\n",
    "    np.random.seed(seed)\n",
    "    if is_torch_available():\n",
    "        torch.manual_seed(seed)\n",
    "        torch.cuda.manual_seed_all(seed)\n",
    "        # ^^ safe to call this function even if cuda is not available\n",
    "    if is_tf_available():\n",
    "        import tensorflow as tf\n",
    "\n",
    "        tf.random.set_seed(seed)\n",
    "\n",
    "set_seed(1)"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 4,
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [],
   "source": [
    "# the model we're going to train, base uncased BERT\n",
    "model_name = \"bert-base-uncased\"\n",
    "# max sequence length for each document/sentence sample\n",
    "max_length = 512"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 5,
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [],
   "source": [
    "# load the tokenizer\n",
    "tokenizer = BertTokenizerFast.from_pretrained(model_name, do_lower_case=True)"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 6,
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [
    {
     "name": "stdout",
     "output_type": "stream",
     "text": [
      "Read 250 documents\n",
      "Read 250 labels\n",
      "Training set label counts: Counter({1: 136, 0: 89})\n",
      "Test set     label counts: Counter({1: 15, 0: 10})\n"
     ]
    }
   ],
   "source": [
    "def read_and_clean_lines(data):   \n",
    "    NeuScores = []\n",
    "    Statuses = []\n",
    "\n",
    "   \n",
    "    for line in data:\n",
    "        \n",
    "        NeuScore = line[1]\n",
    "        if NeuScore == 'y':\n",
    "            NeuScore = 0\n",
    "        else:\n",
    "            NeuScore = 1\n",
    "        \n",
    "        Status = line[2]\n",
    "        \n",
    "        clean_text = re.sub(r\"\\s+\",\" \",Status)\n",
    "        Statuses.append(clean_text)\n",
    "        NeuScores.append(NeuScore)\n",
    "        \n",
    "    print(\"Read {} documents\".format(len(Statuses)))\n",
    "    print(\"Read {} labels\".format(len(NeuScores)))\n",
    "    return Statuses,NeuScores\n",
    "\n",
    "# Call sklearn's train_test_split function to split the dataset into training items/labels and test items/labels.  \n",
    "\n",
    "def split_training_set(lines, labels, test_size, random_seed=42):\n",
    "    X_train, X_test, y_train, y_test = train_test_split(lines, labels, test_size=test_size, random_state=random_seed, stratify=labels)\n",
    "    print(\"Training set label counts: {}\".format(Counter(y_train)))\n",
    "    print(\"Test set     label counts: {}\".format(Counter(y_test)))\n",
    "    return X_train, X_test, y_train, y_test\n",
    "\n",
    "\n",
    "#format the MyPersonality data\n",
    "\n",
    "df = pd.read_csv ('MyPersonalityData.csv')\n",
    "df = df.groupby('#AUTHID').agg({'cNEU':'first', \n",
    "                             'STATUS': ', '.join }).reset_index()\n",
    "data = df.values.tolist()\n",
    "\n",
    "#clean the data\n",
    "X, y = read_and_clean_lines(data)\n",
    "\n",
    "#split the data\n",
    "train_texts, valid_texts, train_labels, valid_labels = split_training_set(X, y, test_size = 0.1)\n",
    "target_names = ['Neurotic','Not_Neurotic']\n"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 7,
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [],
   "source": [
    "# tokenize the dataset, truncate when passed `max_length`, \n",
    "# and pad with 0's when less than `max_length`\n",
    "train_encodings = tokenizer(train_texts, truncation=True, padding=True, max_length=max_length)\n",
    "valid_encodings = tokenizer(valid_texts, truncation=True, padding=True, max_length=max_length)"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 8,
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [],
   "source": [
    "class TweetDataset(torch.utils.data.Dataset):\n",
    "    def __init__(self, encodings, labels):\n",
    "        self.encodings = encodings\n",
    "        self.labels = labels\n",
    "\n",
    "    def __getitem__(self, idx):\n",
    "        item = {k: torch.tensor(v[idx]) for k, v in self.encodings.items()}\n",
    "        item[\"labels\"] = torch.tensor([self.labels[idx]])\n",
    "        return item\n",
    "\n",
    "    def __len__(self):\n",
    "        return len(self.labels)\n",
    "\n",
    "# convert our tokenized data into a torch Dataset\n",
    "train_dataset = TweetDataset(train_encodings, train_labels)\n",
    "valid_dataset = TweetDataset(valid_encodings, valid_labels)"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 9,
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [
    {
     "name": "stderr",
     "output_type": "stream",
     "text": [
      "Some weights of the model checkpoint at bert-base-uncased were not used when initializing BertForSequenceClassification: ['cls.predictions.bias', 'cls.predictions.transform.dense.weight', 'cls.predictions.transform.dense.bias', 'cls.predictions.decoder.weight', 'cls.seq_relationship.weight', 'cls.seq_relationship.bias', 'cls.predictions.transform.LayerNorm.weight', 'cls.predictions.transform.LayerNorm.bias']\n",
      "- This IS expected if you are initializing BertForSequenceClassification from the checkpoint of a model trained on another task or with another architecture (e.g. initializing a BertForSequenceClassification model from a BertForPreTraining model).\n",
      "- This IS NOT expected if you are initializing BertForSequenceClassification from the checkpoint of a model that you expect to be exactly identical (initializing a BertForSequenceClassification model from a BertForSequenceClassification model).\n",
      "Some weights of BertForSequenceClassification were not initialized from the model checkpoint at bert-base-uncased and are newly initialized: ['classifier.weight', 'classifier.bias']\n",
      "You should probably TRAIN this model on a down-stream task to be able to use it for predictions and inference.\n"
     ]
    }
   ],
   "source": [
    "# load the model and pass to CUDA\n",
    "model = BertForSequenceClassification.from_pretrained(model_name, num_labels=len(target_names))"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 10,
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [],
   "source": [
    "from sklearn.metrics import accuracy_score\n",
    "\n",
    "def compute_metrics(pred):\n",
    "  labels = pred.label_ids\n",
    "  preds = pred.predictions.argmax(-1)\n",
    "  # calculate accuracy using sklearn's function\n",
    "  acc = accuracy_score(labels, preds)\n",
    "  return {\n",
    "      'accuracy': acc,\n",
    "  }"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 11,
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [],
   "source": [
    "training_args = TrainingArguments(\n",
    "    output_dir='./results',          # output directory\n",
    "    num_train_epochs=3,              # total number of training epochs\n",
    "    per_device_train_batch_size=16,  # batch size per device during training\n",
    "    per_device_eval_batch_size=20,   # batch size for evaluation\n",
    "    warmup_steps=500,                # number of warmup steps for learning rate scheduler\n",
    "    weight_decay=0.01,               # strength of weight decay\n",
    "    logging_dir='./logs',            # directory for storing logs\n",
    "    load_best_model_at_end=True,     # load the best model when finished training (default metric is loss)\n",
    "    # but you can specify `metric_for_best_model` argument to change to accuracy or other metric\n",
    "    logging_steps=200,               # log & save weights each logging_steps\n",
    "    evaluation_strategy=\"steps\",     # evaluate each `logging_steps`\n",
    ")"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 12,
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [],
   "source": [
    "trainer = Trainer(\n",
    "    model=model,                         # the instantiated Transformers model to be trained\n",
    "    args=training_args,                  # training arguments, defined above\n",
    "    train_dataset=train_dataset,         # training dataset\n",
    "    eval_dataset=valid_dataset,          # evaluation dataset\n",
    "    compute_metrics=compute_metrics,     # the callback that computes metrics of interest\n",
    ")"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 13,
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [
    {
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       "                border: none;\n",
       "                /* Needs to be in here for Safari polyfill so background images work as expected. */\n",
       "                background-size: auto;\n",
       "            }\n",
       "        </style>\n",
       "      \n",
       "      <progress value='45' max='45' style='width:300px; height:20px; vertical-align: middle;'></progress>\n",
       "      [45/45 59:19, Epoch 3/3]\n",
       "    </div>\n",
       "    <table border=\"1\" class=\"dataframe\">\n",
       "  <thead>\n",
       "    <tr style=\"text-align: left;\">\n",
       "      <th>Step</th>\n",
       "      <th>Training Loss</th>\n",
       "      <th>Validation Loss</th>\n",
       "    </tr>\n",
       "  </thead>\n",
       "  <tbody>\n",
       "  </tbody>\n",
       "</table><p>"
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     "metadata": {},
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     "data": {
      "text/plain": [
       "TrainOutput(global_step=45, training_loss=0.6650547875298394, metrics={'train_runtime': 3654.7524, 'train_samples_per_second': 0.012, 'total_flos': 227025562060800, 'epoch': 3.0})"
      ]
     },
     "execution_count": 13,
     "metadata": {},
     "output_type": "execute_result"
    }
   ],
   "source": [
    "# train the model\n",
    "trainer.train()"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 14,
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [
    {
     "data": {
      "text/html": [
       "\n",
       "    <div>\n",
       "        <style>\n",
       "            /* Turns off some styling */\n",
       "            progress {\n",
       "                /* gets rid of default border in Firefox and Opera. */\n",
       "                border: none;\n",
       "                /* Needs to be in here for Safari polyfill so background images work as expected. */\n",
       "                background-size: auto;\n",
       "            }\n",
       "        </style>\n",
       "      \n",
       "      <progress value='2' max='2' style='width:300px; height:20px; vertical-align: middle;'></progress>\n",
       "      [2/2 00:08]\n",
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      "text/plain": [
       "{'eval_loss': 0.6851962208747864,\n",
       " 'eval_accuracy': 0.6,\n",
       " 'eval_runtime': 41.921,\n",
       " 'eval_samples_per_second': 0.596,\n",
       " 'epoch': 3.0}"
      ]
     },
     "execution_count": 14,
     "metadata": {},
     "output_type": "execute_result"
    }
   ],
   "source": [
    "#evaluate the model\n",
    "load_best_model_at_end = True\n",
    "trainer.evaluate()"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 15,
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [
    {
     "data": {
      "text/plain": [
       "('mypersonality-bert-base-uncased\\\\tokenizer_config.json',\n",
       " 'mypersonality-bert-base-uncased\\\\special_tokens_map.json',\n",
       " 'mypersonality-bert-base-uncased\\\\vocab.txt',\n",
       " 'mypersonality-bert-base-uncased\\\\added_tokens.json')"
      ]
     },
     "execution_count": 15,
     "metadata": {},
     "output_type": "execute_result"
    }
   ],
   "source": [
    "model_path = \"mypersonality-bert-base-uncased\"\n",
    "model.save_pretrained(model_path)\n",
    "tokenizer.save_pretrained(model_path)"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 16,
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [],
   "source": [
    "def get_prediction(text):\n",
    "    # prepare our text into tokenized sequence\n",
    "    inputs = tokenizer(text, padding=True, truncation=True, max_length=max_length, return_tensors=\"pt\")#.to(\"cuda\")\n",
    "    # perform inference to our model\n",
    "    outputs = model(**inputs)\n",
    "    # get output probabilities by doing softmax\n",
    "    probs = outputs[0].softmax(1)\n",
    "    # executing argmax function to get the candidate label\n",
    "    return target_names[probs.argmax()]"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 62,
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [],
   "source": [
    "labels_list = []\n",
    "for post in train_texts:\n",
    "    text = post\n",
    "    #print(get_prediction(text))\n",
    "    labels_list.append(get_prediction(text))"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 63,
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [
    {
     "name": "stdout",
     "output_type": "stream",
     "text": [
      "225\n",
      "225\n",
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     ]
    }
   ],
   "source": [
    "print(len(train_labels))\n",
    "print(len(labels_list))\n",
    "print(train_labels)\n",
    "#print(valid_dataset.labels)\n",
    "#print(target_names[valid_labels])"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 59,
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [
    {
     "name": "stdout",
     "output_type": "stream",
     "text": [
      "Read 2468 documents\n",
      "Read 2468 labels\n",
      "The lights are all out here in Hardin House. Thank goodness Amy has this lap top so I can do this assignment. I still have to do the other one too. They both are due Friday. The lights just came on. I'm so relieved because now I can feel the air conditioning. I'm a little bit off the assignment because Cara is watching me. Cara says hi. she is really sick right now and her nose is always runny. she snotted on my bed. or maybe she just drooled. I don't really know. Tonight I need to go to the theta house and study. We have to get certain amount of hours done . I don't really want to read anymore of the Great Plains by Webb. It is like a history book. It makes me want to fall asleep sometimes when I read it. The most interesting section was about the animals on the Plains. The little jackrabbit has a white patch on its butt so that whenever it is in danger or something it flares it up to communicate with it's own kind. I guess that's how it works. Right now it's talking about the north vs. the south and it is way boring. I have about 70 pages to read tonight. It is a little overwhelming. sometimes I get behind and feel real guilty about it because I want to keep up with all my classes. I need to do my math homework too. I kind of just feel like taking a nap until we go study but then I'll never get up. My bed is sooooooo cozy. I just put on some pink sheets and they rock because they are soo soft. I kind of feel like watching Backdraft. Whichever Baldwin guy is in it is really good looking. He reminds me of this Stratford guy that is living in towers. He is really good looking obviously and really sweet too. He walked us home the other night from the KA house because he thought it was too dangerous. then he started talking about what church he went to. I was thinking this guy is too good to be true. But then someone told me that he had just broken up with his long time girlfriend because they are at separate colleges. I don't think I would like to get in the middle of that. If that's the only reason why they broke up then that's not enough. Because obviously they had something big to hold onto and not let go of just like that. But he is one of the better guys I've seen around lately. I kind of want to just ver out tonight but I know that I'll feel bad about it later. I'm so into making good grades but I haven't quite gotten into the hang of doing homework in this new setting and everything. Danielle just called. I'll be living with her next year. I think it’ll be good. Me , Cara, Allison, and Danielle. I don't really know her too too well. Seh and Allison are friends. Cara, Allison, and I have been hanging out a lot lately. She's so cool. It's really awesome to get to know people from different states and become close friends. She's from Oklahoma. Oklahoma is so random. What is in Oklahoma? Maybe we'll all go there to see her family sometime. We might go to Houston for The Rice game. Then I'll get to see my little brother. He is so cool. He's growing like a weed right now. It's crazy. Now that I'm gone he is like an only child. I hate that for him. Maybe he likes it a little. He gets all the attention now. I don't want to lose the awesome brother/sister relationship that we have right now because I'm 3 hours from home. \n",
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      "2468\n",
      "Training set label counts: Counter({1: 1111, 0: 1110})\n",
      "Test set     label counts: Counter({1: 124, 0: 123})\n"
     ]
    }
   ],
   "source": [
    "#format the Essays data\n",
    "\n",
    "df1 = pd.read_csv ('Essays.csv')\n",
    "df1 = df1.groupby('#AUTHID').agg({'cNEU':'first', \n",
    "                             'TEXT': ', '.join }).reset_index()\n",
    "data1 = df1.values.tolist()\n",
    "\n",
    "#clean the data\n",
    "X1, y1 = read_and_clean_lines(data1)\n",
    "print(X1[0])\n",
    "print(y1)\n",
    "print(len(y1))\n",
    "\n",
    "#split the data\n",
    "train_texts1, valid_texts1, train_labels1, valid_labels1 = split_training_set(X1, y1, test_size = 0.1)\n",
    "target_names = ['Neurotic','Not_Neurotic']\n",
    "\n",
    "train_encodings1 = tokenizer(train_texts1, truncation=True, padding=True, max_length=max_length)\n",
    "valid_encodings1 = tokenizer(valid_texts1, truncation=True, padding=True, max_length=max_length)\n",
    "\n",
    "train_dataset1 = TweetDataset(train_encodings1, train_labels1)\n",
    "valid_dataset1 = TweetDataset(valid_encodings1, valid_labels1)"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 60,
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [],
   "source": [
    "labels_list1 = []\n",
    "for post in X1:\n",
    "    text = post\n",
    "    #print(get_prediction(text))\n",
    "    labels_list1.append(get_prediction(text))"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 65,
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [
    {
     "name": "stdout",
     "output_type": "stream",
     "text": [
      "['Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic', 'Not_Neurotic']\n",
      "Neurotic 88\n",
      "0.6088888888888889\n"
     ]
    }
   ],
   "source": [
    "print(labels_list)\n",
    "for i in range(len(labels_list)):\n",
    "    if labels_list[i] == 'Neurotic':\n",
    "        print(labels_list[i], i)\n",
    "#print(valid_dataset1.labels)\n",
    "#print(len(valid_labels1))\n",
    "for i in range(len(train_labels)):\n",
    "    if train_labels[i] == 1:\n",
    "        train_labels[i] = 'Not_Neurotic'\n",
    "    if train_labels[i] == 0:\n",
    "        train_labels[i] = 'Neurotic'\n",
    "#print(y1)\n",
    "#print(valid_labels1)\n",
    "#print(valid_labels1[157])\n",
    "correct = 0\n",
    "for i in range(len(labels_list)):\n",
    "    if labels_list[i] == train_labels[i]:\n",
    "        correct = correct + 1\n",
    "accuracy = correct/len(labels_list)\n",
    "print(accuracy)"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 41,
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [
    {
     "name": "stdout",
     "output_type": "stream",
     "text": [
      "['WOW! Time goes by fast. Here I am doing my college homework and it seems as though just the other day I was at recess or eating from my lunchbox in elementary school or going through the trials of junior high or thinking you know everything in high school to realizing you don\\'t know everything in college. Time flies and friends come and go. I have met so many people since I have been at this enormous school. I have come to realize that you must take initiative in order to succeed. For instance, I am currently majoring in theatre, but I don\\'t know if that\\'s what I really want to do with my life. If I don\\'t get out there to take initiative to try out and see how far I can go, I will never figure out if theatre is the way I want to go or not. Then there\\'s the question of what I\\'d do if I didn\\'t major in theatre. I know that I wouldn\\'t do anything with computers because this is the 3rd time I\\'ve had to write this since I have had many computer troubles. I accidently erased the first one and my friend\\'s computer froze when I was writing the other one. I am using my friend Robert\\'s computer because mine won\\'t connect to the internet. Right now I\\'m sitting in a room with some of my new friends from UT, and they\\'re talking about Ross\\'s hair. Some of the girls want to cut his hair, but he doesn\\'t want his hair cut. They think it looks like an 80s haircut but he begs to differ. Anyway, back to the other thoughts of the past, present, and future. I just remembered that I have a blueberry muffin sitting on the shelf in my room. I hope it\\'s not stale. Maybe I can drink it with my over-do milk. It\\'s past the drinking date. This gum is very stale and I am getting hungry. If I were in my room, I would eat my muffin or the chips that I didn\\'t eat last week because I had to get to class. You see, I feed the birds my second sandwich because I\\'m full. Then I still have chips left over. Oh, well. The joys of wednesday sack lunches from Towers. I\\'m used to sack lunches because I\\'ve eaten a sack lunch every day in high school. The reason is that we eat in the greenroom and it\\'s hard to get your tray into the greenroom. Some of my friends have done it, but then they put the trays up above the ceiling and the teachers get mad. Ah, the good old days. Robert and Ross and Kristi want to order a pizza. That sounds like a good idea. It\\'s late and I have to get up early for my intro to media class tomorrow. College is a time when it seems hard to get any sleep. There\\'s always something you\\'ve got to do, or just good old fashioned procrastination. I mean, I don\\'t procrastinate. This isn\\'t even due for another week or so, and here I am, already typing it for the 3rd time. Adam Sandler is on TV right now. I just learned that his CDs have a parental advisory due to explicit content. Isn\\'t that interesting. Funny how society tries to censor our lives when in reality children are the currupt ones these days. Like my friends. they\\'re crazy. Children are exposed to so much, like from TV. I never had cable growing up, so I don\\'t know what it\\'s like. We did have channel 13, KERA. That was nice. Now, we\\'re listening to the Doors, which reminds of A Midsummer Night\\'s Dream because my high school did it in the 60\\'s and that was the music we used. Well, at least, we used some Doors music. We used great 60s music. Then I was in A Midsummer Night\\'s Dream in the 90s, and we used original music written by one of the cast members. He wrote the tune for The Wiz, and tranfered the words because of course Shakespeare didn\\'t write like the music in The Wiz. Robert just called a guy because his number was on a dollar bill. He\\'s crazy, but that is what makes life fun. Then there\\'s Ross with his mushroom haircut and Kelly, who some say looks like Tom Cruise, but in reality, he looks nothing like Tom Cruise. No more than the pizza guy, who looks like a clown. I am afraid of clowns and I haven\\'t even seen \"IT. \" However, I did see a Stephen King movie on New Years a couple years ago with 2 girls from Scotland. New\\'s Years Day was 32 hours for me because I was traveling back from Israel. That was a great trip. Well, it\\'s been 20 minutes and I feel like there\\'s not much else needed to say. \"Good morning, and in case I don\\'t se ', \"I really wish that I could get on to the psychology pretesting page to get it over with but I've tried three times and it won't let me on. It's really driving me crazy. I feel like I have so much stuff that I need to get done right know, but if I space it out I can get it done. I need to learn to manage my time a little better. It was easy to do everything at the last minute in high school, but I'm in college know and I need to keep up with my assignments. I'm sure other people are feeling the same as me. If I could get everything done in one day I would feel so relieved, but I have to much to do in one day. My two other friends, live in an apartment, and there so boring. All they do is sit at home all day and watch TV. I wish that they would go and do something, but if I asked them to do something they would probably do it. But, I just haven't asked. I'm still adjusting to moving. I come from a really small town, of about 2600 people, and I am overwhelmed at the amount of people that are here. I don't know where anything is at and I need to get my driver's license renewed, it has been expired for almost 2 months. One of my other friends goes to Southwestern in Georgetown. She says it is really hard and maybe she will transfer to UT next semester or year. That would be great for me, then I would know someone else here at the school. The chairs in the compurter lab are to close together. You can't move without hitting another chair. They need to spread them out. I want to go out one weekend and do something but I don't know very many people here and I don't want to impose on anyone and just ask them if I can tag along. They probably would'nt mind. I think I am going to go home this weekend. My mom really gets on my nerves, or she did this past weekend. I think it was because I was really tired. I really don't like going home because it is really boring and everyone just sits at this store called short stop. What Fun!!!! I would rather sit at home and watch TV. I want to go and get my hair cut and highlighted and start going to a tanning bed but it always feels like I don't have enough time in the day. I know that I really do I just don't go get it done. I am really tired right know. I went to bed really late last night and had to get up early but I can't take a nap because I need to finish my homework that I should have already finished. I also have to do my laundry. This chair is really comfortable though. I could fall asleep just sitting here. I hate paying for the copies that I make. I wish I had my own computer in my dorm room so that I wouldn't have to pay for them at all. It's a pain not having your own computer. I had to leave my at home so that my sister could use it if she needed. My parents said I could bring it but I'm in a supplementary room right now and didn't want to. My mailbox doesn't work and neither does our phone jack. I have two roommated, Megan and Maggie. I am supposed to get a check in the mail but it is not here yet and it was mailed on the 23 of August. but I guess it really doesn't matter since I can't get teh mailbox open yeat. I hope that no one else got my check because that would really suck. I could really use the money being here in Austin there is a lot of stuff I could buy. Especialy with all teh stores around here. I really want some khaki pants without the creases in the front and some capri pants. I'm getting tired of doing this but since I have to do it I have to continue writing. Wait, my bad it has been over 20 minutes. I have been writing to long. About 3 minutes to long so I'll be going know. Bye!! \", \" i hope that i can finish my genetics homework by the middle of this week. and i hope that i can somehow get in touch with my genetics teacher and TA. that's really important to me. i also wish that there was something like key club i could join. so that i could go do some community service. preferably with children. i love kids. they're so cute. today i saw some 1 and 2 year olds playing in the playground outside of church. they were so incredibley cute. ben knew right away that i wanted to take them home. whenever i say that, i'm not actually SERIOUS. i just meant that i wish i had some kids, even though i'm only 18 and i plan on staying in school for at LEAST another 6 years. plus the 3 years of residency after medical school. i hope i do well on my mcats. i should probably sign up for that class at the princeton review. either that or i need to start taking time out in my day to practice in my mcat book. and i'm almost positive that i'm going to make it into medical school. there's almost no doubt in my mind. although there is a little, because of some of the statistics that people have been telling me. something about how only 200 people from UT make it into medical school a year. i wonder if it matters that i'm not using hardly any proper grammer or punctuation marks. i almost forgot how to spell punctuation. i used to be a really good speller. and my vocabulary used to FANTASTIC. seriously. it's gone down though, because i just don't read as much. i wish i did. i wish i've read alot of books that daniel has, then we'd have more in common. he's so much like jenny's daniel that it's freaky. they look alike, talk alike, and they even act alike! alike. same. my asian american studies teacher says that those words don't mean the same. i just used that word to describe itself. i'm pretty sure that that's not right, but i guess there's nothing i can do about it. janet's been gone for an hour now. it's alway so lonely without her in the room, but i don't mind it so much. that way, i can actually get some work done. not that i don't get anything done when i'm with her, but obviously she'd be a distraction. and since i get distracted so easily, the less people to talk to, the better. am i supposed to just stop typing at exactly 20 minutes? or will the screen change for me? and what's the point of this anyways? i wasn't in the first class, so i don't have any clue what this is for or if it's a grade. and now i'm listening to some weird music that i downloaded. i guess it really isn't weird, i've just never heard it before. it's kind of like rap. or a mix of some sort. interesting. it keeps repeating i'm a freak, it's a little annoying. hopefully the words will change. if they don't in. 15 seconds. i'll change the song myself. oh what do you know, now it's adding like 3 more words or something. hahaha. does it count that i typed myself laughing? does that even make sense? oh goodness, i'm changing this song. it's getting to me. AHAHAHA. as soon as i finished typing that, the song ended. that was pretty funny. wow, i've already been typing for 10 minutes. i guess i shouldn't be surprised, i don't ever have a problem just rambling on. my back hurts from hunching over, so now i'm sitting up really straight. i like the rain, except that i don't like the humidity. i just thought of that because i looked out the window and it's getting dark. well, it should be getting dark anyways, because it's almost 8. speaking of the time, why hasn't andy called me? he said he'd call me when he went to go eat dinner today. he always does that. i miss hanging out with andy and ben so much. they're always doing their own thing now, and i guess that's a sign that i need to go out and make my own new friends. but i just like hanging out with them, you know? and i like their friends. especially daniel. i'm always wondering what he's thinking; that boy is so quiet. i wish i knew what he thought of me. i really really wish that andy and ben were more. what's the word? protective? of me. i'd really like it if they called me to do things with them, or just to hang out with them when they're not doing anything. that would make me so happy. i haven't seen thi tran in a week. i wonder what she's up to? i should have called her, but i don't know why i didn't. i had a headache like 20 minutes ago, but after all this random writing and stuff, i've almost forgotten about it. i want to watch some disney movies. i haven't seen one of those in a LONG time, and they're all so great. i saw part of harry potter yesterday. i love that movie. i talked to daniel though, and he said that he likes the book better than the movie. which i guess is true. book to movie translations are never good. my phone just rang. some lady wanted to know if i had any junior girls and senior boys in my family or something. i have no idea what for. something about research. that was strange. tonight i'm going grocery shopping with janet and steven. she really likes steven. and he really likes her; i've been telling her that all week. it seems that me and janet are really going to get along. i hope so. i love her so much; she's so much fun. oh yeah, so about the book to movie translations. i HATED the count of monte crist movie. the new one that is, i've never seen the old one. i mean, the book is my most favorite in the world, and in the movie they had to go screw around with things. and they left out alot of GREAT parts too. it made me so sad that i cried. priscilla and stephanie and josh thought i was funny when that happened. ben and andy were watching black hawk down when we were in the other theater. it's funny how i remember little things like that, but it takes a bit more for me to remember the things that i need to. for example: things i need to do, what to study, things i've studied. and my 20 minutes are almost up. there's 30 seconds or so left. so i suppose that this is the end of my writing assignment. i hope this is sufficient. or i'm going to feel silly. oh well. no time to change it now. BYE! \", 'I really need to study for chemistry, but I just remembered that this assignment was due. I would have done it earlier, but my computer has been giving me so many problems. First all these warnings about \"you have spyware and adware\" started coming up and then it started working really slow--it took 15 minutes to open up the internet!! Then after a while it wouldn\\'t even do that--it just sat there! So I tried to shut it down and it still didn\\'t do anything--but if I tried to start a program, it said \"This program cannot open because the system is shutting down. \" So I unplugged it and let the battery run out. Computers are so stupid. But I guess we couldn\\'t live without them. I really hope I don\\'t fail this chemistry test tomorrow. I\\'m really nervous because it\\'s my first real college test and it\\'s also over some stuff that I don\\'t completely understand. My roommate is in the same class as me, but she\\'s at the PCL--she calls it her home because she\\'s there every minute of every day--I don\\'t know how she does it!! Studying for 10 minutes makes me feel like I need a break--she stays there for hours!! She\\'s really sweet though. I so happy I got good roommates (yes--that\\'s plural--I have 3 roommates--I\\'m in supplemental housing--it\\'s not as bad as I thought it would be) 2 of my roommates are really nice. The other one is kind of weird, but she\\'s hardly ever here--she\\'s always at her boyfriend\\'s house. That\\'s kind of rude to her parents though--I mean--they\\'re paying for her food and housing and she\\'s not even sleeping here. The only thing I know about her is her name really. That\\'s okay though--at least she\\'s not using my computer all the time anymore. When we first moved in she didn\\'t have a Ethernet cord so I said she could do her add/drops on my pc. But then she printed off all her lecture notes for her classes (on MY printer--with MY ink) so at least that\\'s not happening any more. Andy Roddick lost in the quarterfinals of the US Open tonight. That made me so sad--I LOVE Andy Roddick--he has to be the sexiest guy ever! I met him last year and the Tennis Masters Series in Houston and he signed my shirt--me and 3 of my friends had made shirts that spelled out ANDY--he and his coach really liked them!! But I really wanted him to win--he won the Open last year and that was his first so I really wanted him to defend it. Oh well. The guy he lost to was playing really good. He played the same type of game as Andy though. They were calling him a Swedish Andy Roddick, but he\\'ll never be Andy Roddick--he wasn\\'t cute enough. Chemistry and biology are going to kick my butt this semester. I\\'m not really sure if I want to major in biology any more. I think it might just be too much science for me. I thought I could handle it, but I just don\\'t know anymore. I know majoring in biology will probably help me make a good score on the MCAT, though. I really want to get into med school. I want to be a pediatrician. It\\'s just so much school though. OY! But I think it\\'ll pay off. I really want to do something with kids and I could do that and make money at the same time. I mean--it\\'s that or teaching right? and teaching is definitely NOT on my list of things I want to do. My mom is a teacher and they don\\'t get paid half of what they deserve! She works all the time--sometimes she doesn\\'t come home until after midnight--and she only works with 5th and 6th graders. I mean--it\\'s probably worse with older kids right? I don\\'t know--I just couldn\\'t handle it--I\\'d feel like I deserved more. Chemistry time. ', \"Right now I am not stressed and I feel very comfortable. However, I feel like I should be thinking of ways of obtaining a scholarship so I can help my parents out. I guess you can say that I feel kind of guilty. I mean putting two kids through college is no joke. I guess I have been pretty preoccupied with that during my entire stay at UTAustin. Overall I like the campus. Most of the parties and events that I want to attend are off campus, but that does not keep me from having fun. The people are generally nice here. That was really unexpected, because most of the people at my high school usually considered themselves superior to the rest of the people. I wouldn't say that my high school years were the best because it was not. However I think that I could have made it better. However, now that I am in college, I feel that I can start my life all over again. All those mistakes that I made in high school are gone and I can try to learn from them. (Such as waiting until the night before a major exam to study) I think that college will definitely teach me how to balance my time. I am glad that my parents decided not to let me work because I do not know how I could have adjusted. However I know that I will have to work at some time during the school year. Hopefully I will be able to handle it. I am pretty much worried about my classes and what grades I will get in them. So far it has not been so bad. I know that the worst is yet to come. Preparedness is not one of my stronger assets. I tend to be flustered and nervous most of the time. A young woman that I knew from high school told me that the important thing to do in college is not to stress. Hopefully I will live up to that. I can't promise anything. I still feel upset that I did not get any type of scholarship. I felt that I worked hard, but then again there are a lot of intelligent young people on this campus and not all of them obtained scholarships. So in other words, I don't feel as bad as I used to. \", \"I am realy not sure as to whqat to write. I know that htis laptop is really diffucult to write on. My spellint on here really sucks and I know that hese are probably rally fun to read. It must be intereesting to see what everyone write and how their minds work. I muust sound oso incompetent. I hate that. Isaac is playing on Dunstin's conmputer and I wish that I dcould playthe pinball game. I want to see how high of a score I can get. I think, yes people are coming into the room. I hope that they don't bother me too; much. I cna't wait until this weekend because my boyufriend is coming in town. isaac just said dammit. hehehe. bad oby. i thoughtthat the didn't say such words. I love my floor becasue we alway s go to luch and didnner together. AThere is a party on the oroof tonight but I don't think I can go because I hvre so much homework to do. I don't wantt o have to take my quiex tomorrow morining. I want to see who his here. there saying something about peons. waiit, that was not what I meant to wire. I have to tell isaac aobuth that later. I just got I'm'ed by my firend Brad and had to replay. I really whis thtat they would stop talking because it is distracting. Maybe I should theel them this, but I don't want to seem like a mean maen girl. this girl really annoys me and I don't know why. I wondrer waht Lou si doong right now. I really hat e this a;laotop. 0My nose itchers. I want a slurpee. But, I don;'t havre any money. I am aobut to be left alone in this room. Myabe that will help. I still have thirteen minutes to write. Young life. they are talk ing about young life. I went to uounglife in high schol and it sucked byecause it I s so clique-y. I hate thqat , bt that's hitghschool. More and more a preople. My muscles hurt. I need to go to a maassuse. I sont know what to say. rthat girl wants to lose it all. She doesn'tneed to becasuethen it would dissappear. I hat e that! aaAll these peopel need to go. I can't concentrated. whate are theneating. Ughh . blah blah blah. accept nos ubsititues. i messed tat one up. I watnt o tgo to that partyon the roolf=. yayayayaayayay. ir eally want to say something to them but I can't. fudge. there is a one huhndreed dollare bill on issaac's bilbaord. rex is trying to turn me on. he's successful. hahahaha he's aan allstar. I don't know how accurate this thign is going to be becasue I kep geeting inturrupter. fabric commercial. rex is leavin b ecasue I dtold him to so that I can do this sudccessfullly. austrin powers. I lovedthat movie. oday, darth. Ralph fromt eh simpsons. I cjoo choo choose you. cure dress. dand, poeople won't stop cominginhere. that are about o t do it agaoin! It is s so amnmyoing. soneone is playing xzelda. idon'tknow whow to play that game. I don't waint to go b ack in to my room. but I am going to watch destinaps. os. that's gona suc, waht's gona suck more is that I hav eto do my journalism. four more minutes. I wonder how much I can write in that aomuoont of tiee. I have the worst time on thes laptop and worst time spleeing. di carack upl . fjakdgjad;@Qf freak hoe. dusin. dusty. grave. veatingonthedorr. westbury sucks. I remevber my drama class. tabitha the hoe, justing the player, eric the quite guy, cedric the loudmouth who never cme to class. you yaya. mers. gehbaure hwho was a bixnatch that nfever game me the parts taht I was sutied for. she aslaways palyed faviorited and agave the arts to tabitha. I abtually ogot antiogne. I kicked butt in that palya and even got a n waward. It was so much fin. I mess dramamand uil competeitions. I loved that thill of acting in fromt of so many people adn being afaid onf messing up on my lines. I am done. goin ato the part. time to smaoke. \", \". I never thought it would be this hard to think about my stream of consciousness. Now that I am aware that I am actually thinking to myself, it makes it really difficult to think normally. I keep giving myself all these weird things to write about but really none of them are really representational of the real way I think. My thoughts are usually random and irrelevant to anything going on around me. You could say I daydream often. I really wish that I were doing this in a quiet room because the things going on around me are effecting what I want to type about. Julie, my roommate, is usually in the library so I guess I should have taken advantage of that earlier and done this assignment then. My attention span is short. I keep finding myself drawn into her conversation. It makes me think about talking to my friends on the phone, which eventually leads to me reminiscing about some past event involving my friends. The funny thing about my situation now, is that only actual people talking, interrupts my thought process. The television doesn't disturb me at all. I have gotten very good at tuning it out. Maybe its because I have made it a habit of doing just about everything with the television on, including sleeping. I am growing impatient with the time now. It seems like 20 minutes has gone by, but when I check my clock it always reads the same. Time always passes slowly when you grow anxious for a certain amount of it to pass. This assignment is difficult for me. I am really having trouble recording my natural thought process instead of just making these random thoughts up for the sake of using up my 20 minutes. I just keep looking around my room hoping that it will spark some thought and give me something more to write about instead of this meaningless rambling. I don't know, my mind is blank now; I am pretty much out of time, so I think I will end on this statement. \", \" I really don't know what to write about. It is funny when you try to think about what you are thinking about and you can't seem to find anything in your head. My friend is talking to his girlfriend. Typing is a lot harder than I remember. September 11th is coming up and I hear patriotic music in the background. My drive back to Austin today was very hard. It rained the whole way down here so instead of the usual three hour drive it turned into nearly four hours. My band practiced very well this weekend. We put in about four hours of practice. Our show this weekend was cancelled so instead we decided to practice. We did a little recording in my guitar player's garage. I stayed up very late yesterday just talking to some friends online. I had a huge burrito from Chipolte. I had never been there before so it was a surprise to see a burrito that big; however, I didn't really enjoy it because they put onions and peppers in it. I suppose it was my fault, because I told them what to put in it. I said I wanted fajita chicken and then started putting peppers and onions in the burrito. I thought the fajita part was the way the cooked the chicken. It turns out it was just the stuff they put in with the chicken. I didn't eat much of it, but I will still give the place a second chance. Now I know not to order that kind of burrito. My parents took my girlfriend and her friend out to dinner on friday night. We went to chili's off of F. M. 3040. After that we went to my girlfriend's house and just played the piano. We played for about two hours. I figured out how to play two new songs. One was a spanish song and the other was carol of the bells. We had no music, we were just going by ear. My girlfriend's friend was getting very annoyed because she did not want to play the piano. Instead she played cards with my girlfriend's family. Studying for college has not been going the way I would like it. I told myself I would stay caught up with all of my classes, but I seem to have fallen behind already with all of them. I just need to concentrate and read like a mad man. Dave Matthews keeps running through my ears and I can't get the lyrics from entering. How can I turn away. Brother sister go dancing. I went to two of his concerts this year. They were a blast. There were so many fans yelling and screaming. The atmosphere was so pleasant. He played a few of my favorite songs and I nearly cried. The University of Oklahoma football game was very interesting. They almost lost. I was so excited with two minutes left in the game and Oklahoma trailing Alabama by three points. Unfortunately OU won. They also, unfortunately lost their quarterback with a torn ACL. Texas got off to a bad start although they managed to keep the Eagles from scoring. It looked like the UT offense was about to fall apart in the second half. Next week should be a thriller in North Carolina. ABC will be on nonstop in my dorm room. My mom is calling. She wanted to make sure I got home safely. I am glad to be here with most of friends although I do have friends that are not with me. My girlfriend for one is back in dallas and every chance I get I go back and see her. I wish she was here with me and then it wouldnt be so hard and I wouldn't waste as much gas. Twenty minutes has ended. \", \"I hear nicole's printer printing I'm so glad she is my roommate I really like the song that's playing on the radio I wonder if my laundry is ready yet paul is a big poo face I wonder if I should tell hijm about my date with zach on friday it's under the table I don't think that I'm very good at this stream of consciousness thing I have to look at the keys when I type on it's kinda annoying I wonder if the professor takes off for stupid internet phrases like lol or kinda man I really can't stand paul I hope that zac doesn't turn out to be someone who's just looking to be laid this assignment seems like it'll be really easy someone just popped up on I'm I wonder if it was dylan I'm supposed to go to a concert with him on friday but zac and I were supposed to go out then I wonder what it would be like to live in austin for all your life new braunfels really sucks at some points in time right no my stomach feels kinda weird probably fro the spaghetti I ate at dinner and nicole's macaroni she htes macaroni cause she got a noodle caught in her throat one time which reminds me of the time I got a peppermint caught in my throat ooh walking on sunshine by reel big fish it reminds me of warped tour with dylan kelly and I don't remember who else went but it probably wasn't that important oh it was ronnie now it's going to be me dylan paul patrick jon joe and james and nick all going to static x and staind in october, I'm really excited about it but kinda scared I'm walking on sunshine my feet hurt from the shoes I was wearing today I love them, they're converse sneakers so cute and they look like they would be comfortable but they're really not which is kinda disappointing rambling like this makes me feel like anne hathaway on princes diareis which makes me think of her in the other side of heaven which is one of my favorite movies nicole and I watched josie and the pussycats last week at some point in time I wonder what mark will think once I tell him that I have a date if I even bother to tell him I already told ward, I think that ward may like me but probably not and don't it feel good? I dig this song, we sang it in choir in sixth grade which brings back memories of casey and how we were the best of friends up until a stupid boy came between us I can hear the air conditioner going and the clicking of nicole's mouse she is doing a cog lab for some reason she is upset that she scored against the norm on it I think that she is really smart and am glad that she and I are roomies it was weird though cause I was in here while she and greg her boyfriend were cuddling she has a question for me but can't remember it I suppose I'll pay attention she did an experiment and has to print it out and it has to be the final name it seems like it should be daniell instead of nicole wow it's only been seven minutes and I'm running out of things to think about well if it's saved under that name um perhaps you should talk to greg about it I think she is oops I didn't realize she was on the phone I miss dancing and am kinda nervous about trying out for the roustabouts I think they're called my hair is tickling my nose I wish that I'd never had bangs to begin with it seems like such a hassle to take care of them and it's taking so long to grow them out nicole is trying to get greg to help her with her computer stuff over the phone he will probably end up coming up here and then I'll have to go down and hang out with ward and mark in my pjs to avoid feeling awkward if nicole and greg start getting touchy feely I think that he is going to come up I'm glad that they've worked everything out now but it kinda makes me depressed because I don't really have anybody and paul is being a big poo head which is his new name poo head paul. I wonder if punctuation and capitalization and spelling count in this probably not because it's not like humans think using punctuation or caps I like the punk version of this song punk rock princes by something corporate dylan went to see them with 311 last week I wish that I hyad gone now but I haven't even started my biology questions yet and I'm afraid of failing the course and am considering dropping it my tailbone kinda hurts from sitting here so long I don't think that I want to be on AIM when paul gets back I should leave a message up on friday saying that I've gone on a date it should pose for some interesting conversation with him later on that's for sure geez 12 minutes that means that I've still got 8 to go my alarm should go off when it's been that long my laundry is probably already done I'm glad nicole showed me how because I had neglected it for so long we talked to a cool guy in there but I forgot what his name was he was a business major though I wonder what the weather would be like tomorrow hah nicole said anal and she is talking about laura vasquez a girl from our old high school I think I saw ben campos in my psych class today but it's been so long since I've seen him and think that I keep seeing people who aren't really the people I'm thinking of so it might not have been him I really would not like to see any of them though I came up here to get away from them but oh well, c'est la vie and cool sheep tiffany laughed at that phrase earlier I just don't like beans enough to say cool beans sheep are so much better I feel like a child babbling on and on to an uncaring adult and my time is almost up so that's a good thing I think I've already been through four sogs already nicole's kinda computer illiterate though she did learn how to download stuff from her camera to computer which is more than I can probably figure out I'm thinking about my psych class now and the huge screens used to project the stuff I expected everything to be without overheads or any sort of indication on what we should write down it being all us and sucks for us if we don't know what to study for the test I really should do my biology but I'm not in the mood I keep saying that I'll do it later but honestly it won't get done I think that I say the word honestly too often and I make too many typos when I type I really like my laptop keyboard though the keys are nice and compact and make cool noises when you press them rather than nicole's chunky computer keyboard but what would you give away to have somewhere to go to I don't think that I would give up everything for just one other person though the bible says so which reminds me that I should probably e-mail my bible study instructor christie later on tonight just to let her know what is going on her kids go to school in austin jon and katie they're really cute christie and her husband got divorced a while ago and it seems like a horrible thing that they went through I don't really want to ask her about it though cause it's not my business and it seems like a touchy subject which brings to mind richard who called paul a dick after I told him that paul had told me that he kissed jade I think I'm getting better at accepting the fact that they're together at least it's easier to do up here than in NB it seems that the further away from my problems I am the easier they become to handle I wonder how many other people are doing their assignments today my alarm just went off and it scared the crap out of me I'll have to go get my laundry after I'm done maybe I'll try out my new iron and ironing boars are we supposed to \", \"I'm busier than a one legged man in a butt-kicking' contest! I heard some statistic about how much college kids watch TV and I can honestly say that the only TV I've watched since I've been here is the football game because I haven't had enough time. I have a job, I'm in air force ROTC, I'm in a fraternity, and I'm on a couple intramural football teams. I have all of this to do after studying and doing homework. I don't think that I feel really stressed about anything, of course no grades have come out yet, but physically its very demanding. One day in ROTC I threw up 4 times as a result of probably being out of shape, but for the next week I just felt sick to my stomach. Some of that might have something to do with the food in jester being the greasiest, most repetitive food I've ever eaten. Also, I've lost 10 pounds since I've been here which disturbs me cause I used to work out every day and it sucks now that I can't. Another subject that is scaring me is money. My parents pay for college, but I didn't realize how much id already be spending. My dad always told me to limit myself to a monthly budget, but of course I didn't listen to his advice and now I might be paying for it. literally. My class load isn't that bad except for calculus. This damn class is kicking my ass. first of all, my professor doesn't speak English very well, but sometimes that doesn't even matter because in a class of 150 students he refuses to wear a microphone or even speak up so that anyone beyond the first three rows can hear him. And when we can hear him he speaks in some sort of math language so that when I take notes I'm sure that when I look at them later I will of thought that they were notes from some ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics class or something. So classes are going well!, now socially I have been having lots of fun. I've been lucky enough to meet a lot of girls but not smart enough to not date so many. I'm pretty sure I have a problem of leading girls on. For example there is this one girl who I've been hanging out with who I think ones to get a little more serious with me. Now I'm just a freshman and I don't want to get serious with anyone yet! But if I try to conspicuously avoid her (I still call and am nice to her, I just don't go to her house or anything) she, like most girls, pick up on that almost instantaneously, then she tries to make me feel guilty for say not coming to see her or something. Along with that there are some other girls who I've been talking to or seeing at parties. I guess you could say that I've been casually dating around, but next week there is this huge party and I'm really looking forward to it, but not to the awkward feeling of seeing all of these girls together at the same time because I'm sure all of them are going to be there. oh well!! I still love college. \", \"Being a twin I always wonder if my brother thinks like I do. I don't mean like does he have the same thought I mean does he see the world in the same perspective as me. My mind like to wander and I imagine many different scenarios in my head. Like where I will be in 20 years how long I will live and why people act the way they do. Everyday I think of the things why people seem to not want to try and others try there hardest. Then you have people who succeed no matter what and I wonder why them. Then there are people who seem to go no where in life. I am not seriously making this up for the past year or so I have been trying to figure out the world. I guess since I have left home many things in my life have changed some for the good and others just different from my life at home. I also wonder in my head a lot are we all determined to do a specific job or career. I felt at one time I was determined to be an astronaut, but now I am leaning towards the media business. I would like to make a movie that answers many questions that people are struggling with mainly people that are going through changes in the life. Although change is not necessarily it creates a sense in my mind at least that this could either be a bad and good experience. I am talking about me coming to college. If this writing seems to be changing topics a lot then that is probably because that is how I think I continuously switching ideas in my mind. It is a wonder of why I have some of the thoughts I have, but we wont go into that. Being my first to take Psychology I wonder what the class is going to offer me, how it will help me to explore the human mind. I have also noticed that while being at college my sleep patterns have changed I stay up late get up early sleep on the weekends. Since being here I have started some sort of routine as far as my day goes, but I often wonder why us as people have routine and if they are inevitably unavoidable. This summer I worked in a grocery store was it fun no not really but it gave me a perspective of how I should view the world. There would be weeks when I got up at before 5:00 am everyday I kind of got this feeling like is this what I will be doing for the rest of my life. I thought to myself therefore I will do good in college to help better the career. Working forty hours a week and making about three hundred dollars I wondered a lot of times how some one lived on that and I guess they do somehow. That is why it kind of bothers me that we have some of these people blaming the economy on one person when I believe there is an overall problem in certain area. But are we certain at all what goes on. \", \"I am sitting at my desk at work. I should be doing other things. I'm angry for having to work today. This should be a day off. I could have taken it off but then I wouldn't get paid. No paid vacation for part time. I am tired even though I got a good amount of sleep last night. I really shouldn't be tired. I don't feel like going to the gym this afternoon but I wil. I go the gym five days a week and I don't know why. I really don't see any real difference in my body. I started going really to improve myself but I have noticed no change in the several months I've been there. Never the less I still go everyday. I guess I'm just hoping it will pay off. I would really like a nap. Even if i skip the gym and go straight home I can't take a nap. I have homework to do. Not really required home work but reading and prepairing for classes this wek. I am realy trying to stay on top of all my classes this semester. If I slakck off I'll have serious problems in some of my courses. I'm not really sure if this is what I should be writing about. I'm just writing about what I'm thinking about as I sit here tyoing away. The more I think about it these are pretty normal thoughts for me. Most days I am tired and want to skip going to the gym. And most days I still go to the gym. Despite not seeing results I'm not what I would call discouraged. I never think of quiting going to the gym, I just wonder why I see no difference. And everyday I think about all the things I have to do at home that evening. What checks I need to write for bills. I need to write my rent check tonight. I also need to elt my roommates know that the electric and water bill is due soon. I need to change the elevtric and water bil out of my name because I am moving. Thats another thing I have to do when I get home tonight. I havve to start deciding waht I can fir into my new apartment and what I have to store or sell. These are all really basic thoughts for me. I'm always thinking ahead and planning what needs to be done at night or tomorrow or nex week etc. I am very organized, maybe too much if there is such a thing. I dion't really know anyone who is as organized as me. My mother doesn't call me organized she calls me controlling and anal retentive. I prefer organized and in control. I'm not always in control, but she doesn't know that. I don't tell her how out of control I feel in my relationship with my boyfriend. This is also another normal daily thought for me. Why I stay with someone who doesn't feel the same for me as I do for him. Or at least he is not sure. I often wonder if I'm stupid for staying, or is it just him who is tupid because he can't figure out what he wants or what he feels. Maybe its both. Thinkng about how much time I give to my boyfriend and how to limit that time is also a normal daily thought for me, at least lately. I am a planner, I like to know what the plans are for tonight or tomorrow night or the weekend. He doesn't make plans with anyone until that evening arrives. I've gotten to expect that from him but I can't say I've gotten use to it. I wish he would tell me his plans ahead of time but I know that he won't so I'm learining to adapt. I guess it is probaly good for someone like me to be with someone who makes her just relax. I know that everything doesn't have to be planned but for some reason I do try to plan everything I can. Controlling the caos I guess, or to try to control the best I can. I am really out of daily thoughts. I don't know what else to say. writing for twenty minutes straight is hard. My thought are just normal. I am listening to the radio and I don't know this song. Not that it matters I just leave the radio on at work for some background noise. Oh wait, I do know this song. I just didn't recognize it at first. I have a lot of reading to do tonight that I'm not looking forward to. Biology mostly. M developmental calss looks like it will be challenging but possibly very enjoyable. Who am I kidding, by the end of the semester very few classes are enjoyable they are just over and I am always glad just to pass. As orgainsed as I am I sometimes feel overwhelmed at the beging of the semester trying to get everything organised and figure out what classes to give studying priority to. I usually study first the class I have next. I will fo home and read biology before I read psychology because I have biology tomorrow and psychology is not until wednesday. \", 'Well, to begin with I am simply thinking that I don\\'t think I can type for 20 minutes without my fingers cramping up. But that is Ok I suppose since I doubt that anyone will ever read this because in a class of 500 students, I don\\'t think anyone is insane enough to sit down for the time it would take to sort through my terribly confused thoughts. Confusion is a funny thing. It comes all at once and for most people it comes quite often. At least I think it comes quite often since it comes to me quite often. Even when you know exactly what to do, sometimes you can get confused because you don\\'t want to do what you are supposed to. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet. (In a manner of speaking) I am thinking that I am tired of writing about confusion. It\\'s kind of like thinking about thinking. I heard that it is bad for you to do that. I think it destroys brain cells. But then again, a lot of things destroy brain cells. Drugs destroy brain cells. I don\\'t do drugs because I don\\'t think I have very many brain cells to spare. Wow, only 5 minutes have passed! That is terrible because the tips of my fingers are getting sore and I don\\'t want to stop because you just might have some kind of secret timing mechanism on this little web site of yours and I am taking no chances with that kind of stuff. I know how sneaky teachers can be. I know how sneaky students can be. Some chick was all cheating on out Math Quiz today. I don\\'t know who she was, but she was just flipping through her notes. The teacher had no clue. He was too busy daydreaming. I could have cheated also, but I don\\'t like to cheat. I think that if my best isn\\'t good enough for the professors at UT, then too bad, I\\'ll go to community college. I would rather have a degree from ACC that I earned than one from UT that I cheated my way to getting. I think most people would agree with me but who knows! I tend to think that people are good. But that notion has bitten me in the buttocks more than once. Take for instance my good friend Tiffany. Yes, good ol\\' tiffany. I loved her to death. We were really good friends. We did everything together. Then one day I found out that she was sleeping with my boyfriend, John. That was quite a shock to me. I was so depressed. I didn\\'t even want to get out of bed. I did, but it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I was really very in love with him and I thought that he was in love with me too. I guess that is just one example of how stupid I am. So I guess I learned from my experience. People aren\\'t as good as you would want them to be. But then again maybe I didn\\'t learn jack. because the next guy I went out with was a jerk too. Well, he actually was a decent guy. At least that is what I said to everyone when they told me he was a \"player\". Oh gosh I still have 7 more minutes. Well anyways, they told me he was a player but he said that he thought I was the most beautiful person he had ever met, inside and out. That was it, I was hooked. That is all I have ever wanted was for someone to tell me that I was special. He made me feel pretty and he told me I had the most awesome personality he had ever encountered in a person. I loved hearing him say that. I was willing to risk everything. I even compromised my friendship with my roomate. See, she said they were just friends, and so did he, but then when him and I went out for the first time, she was very pist off. I didn\\'t know why, but it became a suspicion of mine that she secretly liked him. I asked her about it, and she denied it. But I still to this day do not know what to think about her liking him. I mean, she did encourage me an unususal amount to break up with him. Not that it would do her any good because he really would never go out with her. But still, I wonder sometimes if she ever did like him. She is a strong willed person and I thought that she would just come clean and admit it if she did. But the thing about strong people is that most of the time they are often weak. they are just good actors and can hide it better than the rest of us. I think all humans can have the same amount of strenghth. I think that if you just pretend to be strong, then everyone will think you are strong. It is from this facade that you can draw strenght. Take for instance Omar. I act like I don\\'t care about him at all when really I still care for him a lot. Now, since everyone thinks I am strong I just pretend that I don\\'t care about him and it helps me to deal with it when we are around each other. I guess I kind of slipped the other day when I got drunk and called him on the telephone at 4:00 in the morning. Hey, I hope nobody reads this because this is some embarassing stuff and I really don\\'t think that anyone should know about my loser life except for me and the Power Macintosh. OK well I am pretty much done now. I guess that wasn\\'t so hard after all. I hope the next assignment is this easy. Not that my hands aren\\'t going to cramp up when I finally press submit. Ok, I\\'m done. ', 'I am pretty proud of myself today, for I got much more accomplished than I thought I would. I figured that after my last class I would just take a nap. But instead, I went to the gym and had a great workout. It\\'s always good to make a plan of everything that you want to do in a day. I always have to do lists. They are so useful, and I feel so organized when I make them. And when I finish everything on one list, I feel so good. It is a great feeling. I haven\\'t been having too many great feelings recently. I\\'m not sure if I like it here. I don\\'t think I ever will either; that is what bothers me the most. Everyone keeps telling me that it is going to get better, that I\\'ll meet more and more people that I like. I just don\\'t think it\\'s going to happen. I really wish I had gone to Brandeis, for things would be so much easier. It is a smaller school, near Boston, much closer to my parents. Then I\\'d be able to see Brian and Jessie so much more often. I probably could see them every weekend if I wanted to. My phone bill would definitely be a hell of a lot less. That would be so good, because I don\\'t have enough money. I feel bad asking for more from my parents, but it would just be so much easier. I think I really want to apply for that job at George Women. That is definitely a cool store because it has everything that I love there! Another thing I have noticed about being a college student, is that now I don\\'t care about how I look or dress or anything like that. In high school, it was such a big deal to wear the \"right\" clothes and things like that. I didn\\'t even mind doing that, and it seemed normal. I just miss my friends so much. I made such great connections with three people in high school, and I miss them so much. I am so jealous of all my friends who are so close to each other. Why do I have to get stuck with going to this huge school? It\\'s not fair that I have to go through so many changes all at the same time. I just wish things were easier. It would make me so much happier. I feel like I have done something awful, that I deserve to feel like crap. I know that if I just keep on going, day by day, then things have to get better. I\\'m just so used to having so many friends and knowing so many people. I have just gotten thrown into this huge pile of people, and not knowing any of them is just plain weird. I just hope that getting use to this school will be a lot easier and quicker than it seems like it will be. I think that things will become so much better once I get used to this school. I certainly hope so because I just want to be happy. ', \"Hello! I really wish I would have learned to type when I was a kid. I have been using computers since I was like seven, but I was never taught like the proper way to type with like which finger goes on which key so I have always ,made up my own little combination and it is kind of weird. I also have to look at my fingers the whole time. I am really tired. I need to catch up on my sleep but I am staying at a friend's house tonight, so something tells me I won't be getting much sleep tonight. But I get I'll get over it. I totally forgot what I was saying. I guess I am brain dead right now. I am actually feeling a little homesick. Not for high school or any thing, but for the way things used to be back home. I had like 4 close friends that were always there and I could be totally natural in front of them, but here it seems like I have to pt on an act, which is the exact opposite of how I figured it would be. My computer is so stupid! That is why I have to use my friends computer because I can't do anything but play asteroids on my computer because It is so complicated. I am not thinking of any thing to write about right now. I am totally stuck here with out a thought! That is really not cool because I still have 15 minutes to go ! I have 4 dogs at home. They are very cute except for one, but I feel bad for her because when she was a kid she was beaten up and when we found her collar was embedded into her neck and her back leg was broken. She's better now, but she freaks out ROUND STRANGERS. she HAS NEVER BITTEN ANYONE, BUT MAYBE SHE WILL. my Dad is so great. He always takes in animals that people drop off in front of our house and he has always been so original. Like a month ago he decided to take up golf and he has never played a day in his life so he goes out and hits golf balls on the runways of our airport and he bought this old nasty golf cart and drives around in it. He is just so cool. There are a few strange guys that keep on walking in the room asking for food. My friends have very odd hall mates. that sounded really stupid,. I don't even know the proper name for some one who shares a hallway with some one else. I got a really bad hangnail today and I bit it off even though your not supposed to and it hurts like crazy. I wonder if any one ever cusses a lot on this. It's not like my grade would drop if I wrote FUCK in really big letters would it? I guess not since I just did it. maybe I’ll do it a gain DAMN I don't know why but that's fun! Maybe it's the lack of sleep talking. I wonder if anyone will ever read this. I hope someone does, but that would be the most boring job in the world I would figure. All you do is read like 5 pages of someone's ramblings, though I am sure some of them are cool. Sorry mine won't be , but I can't think of anything! Actually, I used to watch Nick at Nite all the time when I was a kid. I had this old black and white TV in my room and I would watch Dobi Gillis , Patty Duke and Get Smart. That one had to be my favorite, because Maxwell was so cool! They had the coolest little devices and ways to get KAOS . I really wish They still showed it on TV. The Nick at nite channel really sucks. all they show is Petticoat Junction and THAT girl. Not very interesting, if you ask me! I am really not thinking of any thing to say right now. IOK I am trying to think of something. I feel bad because Josh is trying to sleep and here I am clicking a way on his computer how rude! I really hated that show Full House, but I always watched it. I'm so glad they took it off the air. It is so odd, sometimes I can instantly do those magic eye things but other times I can't do them at all. Well, my 20 minutes are up. Bye! \", \"there is so much to do in my life. I am really really stress out about school. family. friends and boys I don't know why. but the past two guys that I've dated just suddenly doesn't like me anymore I really really wonder every time I think about it. maybe my personality. or maybe my physical attraction and all the want is one thing. and that is what I wouldn't give up well. there is so much to do in school. I have so much homework everyday and I don't know I hate precal. and I have homework in that class all the time and now I have to worry about the precal test on Monday. and dietary analysis do on Friday. and nutrition and psychology test on Monday after that oh my gosh I guess the professors just like to torture us by having due dates and test all in the same day and I have a tennis tryout on Monday. that means I have to skip my psychology class and my tasp thing. gosh. and I don't know why. but I just can't pass tasp I know that English is my second language but I've written so many paper. and I do ok on them but I just don't understand why I can't pass writing part on the tasp this is crazy. and since this is the first semester in ut I haven't got an apartment and so my parents is making me living with our family friends and I really really don't enjoy being with them so. I really really don't want to stay there either. I don't even mind to drive everyday back and forth so why do they care. if the gas money is what they are worry about. I'll go work and earn my gas money and I really really need to study. but you know you have to study in a place to you like but. I guess they just don't understand and also my dad always say. why do you come home anyway. because you are never home. but I am always home you know he is always at work. so he can't say anything but if he just ask my sister than everything is different oh well. my life is going downhill right now. but I guess I can handle it I just wish that I can be a little bit more smarter because. I study but I just don't know why sometimes I still can't get it but oh well and I just got a new car but I just don't want to drive back and forth because that would be too much miles I don't know why I worry so much about my miles either gosh. I really really hate staying in Austin I want to come home but I don't know why they won't let me is not like they have to drive me back and forth I am the one who have to drive oh well life sucks right now but it's all good I can handle this situation but. hmm. school is kicking my butt and I don't have any friends there yet. am I just a loser I really didn't think like that before but I guess I am. am I really not likable because I thought I was before but everything changed when I decide to come to ut. and ut is so big. I thought that I would make friends really really easily. but I guess not. I really really hope that I would do good in school. and hope to find a nice guy and hope that everything will go where they need to go I really really hate my life right now and I am so tired all the time but I guess is because I am not getting enough to sleep. and now. I have to work out really hard because I don't play tennis anymore so I feel so fat all the time but oh well I guess I just have to work harder now \", \"I don't know how to put my thoughts into words. my mind wonders all the time. I'm really tired. the dog is taking a nap -- I wish I was taking a nap, too. I stayed up too late last night. church was hot and not very interesting. I wonder what time we're leaving today. the houston comets are playing very good. I guess they are still mourning the loss of Kim Perrot. her death was so sad. where did that crazy dog go now. I bet she went to take a nap in my bed. my typing probably distrubed her. crap! the comets can't score to save their life. good shot. who the heck is that girl. Sheryl Swoopes is incredibly fast. I wonder why she doesn't get a long with cynthia cooper. pass the ball. rebound. is that a play or what. my sister is being such a baby today. she is so bossy, and when she doesn't get her way, she throws a fit. I never stick up for my brother, but the one time I do, it infuriates her. I can't wait to get back to austin, and I'll stay on my side of town, and she can stay on her side. I won't call her for a couple of days, so she can get completely over her temper tantrum. I hope eryn doesn't call me for a few days. I just want to stay at my dorm and relax and study by myself. this is the stupidest commercial. I hate that Buddy Lee character. I have to go to the bathroom, but I still have 10 minutes to type. I have got to go on a diet. I'm getting extremely fat. I wonder when that aerobics program gets started. I hope it won't be too hard. I have got to set the vcr to tape my soaps for the week. I hate missing those shows. that girl is such a weiner. she is always getting hurt. I'm getting sick of typing. oh that was a cheap foul. I wonder how they wash there hair when it's in those braids. I bet it stinks. that girl is ugly. he is a horrible dresser. I wonder how much money they make. my watch is rubbing my hand. my eyes are tired. I haven't seen this commercial before. it's kind of dumb. my mind is starting to take a nap. it isn't wondering so much anymore. I hate that when I get in a daze and just stare at people. it's embarrassing. this game is getting boring, I wonder if there are any other games on. when do the cowboys play today. how much more room do I have. I guess I get as much room as I want. cynthia cooper is cocky. why do they wear lipstick when they play. that is retarded. they dress up to get sweaty and work out. I wonder how loud it is in that arena. my head itches. I think someone is driving up to my house. that's a walk! the comets are looking better. is it supposed to rain today. it's pretty cloudy out there. my throat hurts. I wonder if I'm getting sick. man I'm tired. can I ever run out of water in my eyes. every time I yawn my eyes fill completely, and --- the phone is ringing --- I looked at the caller id, but I don't want to talk to that person. I still have to go to the bathroom. well it's been 23 minutes, so I'm going to quit. I hope I did this right. \", \"ok its 1018. here I go I feel like I'm the bum in waiting for godot. just write continuously, ha I keep messing up I can't keep up wait her I go there are my typing skills or not I wonder how I should take over the world I keep building up my bases on alpha centauri but the drones keep rioting its always on the bases that were conquered why don't the other leaders realize that drones aren't as efficient as people. if any of the other leaders attacks me I'm going to have more trouble this time because my military is outdated, but hopefully it wont be to them my tech is still ahead but I don't know how far ahead. I guess Emily's leaving about now, she's naive sometimes what's it like at this mixer its where a bunch of frat guys hit on you what a match its when whichever one hit on you successfully tries to get you drunk and take advantage of you I can't believe there's a theme, I thought we grew out of it in high school. I don't like the idea of some of the things she wants to do I don't know if she's naive or if she's pretending I don't think it would be as big a deal if had pledged this semester in some ways I like it but in a lot of others I really don't it surprising to hear blake pledged, I don't know if he wants to be friends,,. ,. friends. I wish had some. I'm getting to know more people like in my study group but everyone here seems to have their own agenda. its harder making friends than I thought I thought more people would be looking to make friends. the guys next door are in a fight I bet its about that time when pot luck people decide if they're going to get along, I don't like my roommate, but at least I already found someone to switch with he's always on my computer when I get home, he jumps up like I wont know that just implies guilt or hell try and explain, its just annoying he's supposed to get one man. I'm not a very fast typist I better get better if I want that secretarial job. I wonder what everybody's doing tonight I wish I had more friends like me. I need to remember to get my shots tomorrow. I'm running out of things to think about all this thinking is making me tired, well there's the answer to your survey, thinking makes you tired and since stressed people get less sleep they're more tired so I must be more stressed right, wrong that's getting an explanation from correlation, you can't do that, see I get this stuff I don't want to have to relearn the brain, I already did that in bio in high school, o wait I ran over the time, I'm done \", \"We went to Barton Springs today as a sorority, and met a bunch of my new pledge sisters. I just pledged Zeta Tau Alpha, and I absolutely love it. Today, we layed out beside the pool, which really has lake water in it,and I nearly fell asleep. When I put my feet in the water, it felt like I had just breaken through the top layer of Ice, and now my feet are in the water below it, like a pond that had been frozen over. It was really neat to see the different type of people that will soon become some of my best friends. Hopefully I will have gotten a tan. Yesterday, I went to the football game and met my boyfriend and his family there. He lives in Dallas and is a senior in high school. His brother is one of the starters on the football team, so it was really neat to see him play. I sat with my boyfriend and his family, which I hadnt seen in a while. Later on that night we went to his brother's apartment and hung out. I was so happy to have seen my boyfriend. He's an incredible guy. Anyways, I could go on forever. My feet really hurt today from these little pieces of wood that were on the ground, and when I walked around with no shoes, it did not feel good. Right now, I am looking around my room and it looks so much different than it did a week ago, when I had not yet pledged a sorority. Everything I have now is zeta stuff. It really is kind of neat. I love being in a sorority. It's really a good chance to meet people and feel a sense of family even when you are away from family. Speaking of family, I really miss my family. My parents are divorced, and my dad lives in Massachuttes. My mom lives in Dallas with my two younger brothers. They miss me so much. Especially my dog, who uses the bathroom all over the house just to show us when he is mad or upset with us. My mom said that lately he has been doing that. I guess its because I left him. I always would play with him, such as throwing a frisbee and play tug-o-war. He was so attached to me it was unbelievable. Everywhere that I went in the house, he would follow. I love dogs. I can't wait to go home and see all of them. My brothers really miss me also. They don't have an older sister to boss them around anymore. My mom really misses me too. I was the only daughter, so she was very attached to me. She calls me about 5 times a day, and emails about 3. I guess as time passes by, she will get used to me being gone, but right now I don't think that she has adjusted very well. But I guess that goes for all moms when their children go off to college. And its kind of funny because I was really scared to come here. I have heard its just so big, and the sororities were so cruel. I was frightened. I had always wanted to go to A&M, because I am definitely the more conservative type, but I have amazed myself in that I absolutely love it here. Austin is such a neat town, and there is always something to do. In Dallas, we had to sit and figure out something to do on a Friday night. Most of the time, we never came up with anything. Here in Austin, there is not one night where nothing is going on. There's a ton of good restaurants and fun places to go to. Especially Barton Springs, it was a great place to go for a picnic on a Sunday afternoon. I have family down here in Austin, so it is neat to have a place to go. I feel much more secure. They are about 20 minutes away, which is perfect, because they are not too close, but they are close enough for me to drive over to whenever I get sick of the campus. My cousin, who just got back from a mission trip in the Phillippines, will be living at my aunt and uncles house next year while she is working at a church. It will be neat to finally be living in the same city as her. I have always seen her on trips and family stuff, but never have I actually been in the same place with here for more than a week. So I am really looking forward to the friendship and bond that we will be making this next year. I am hoping that my year goes good and that I can keep up with all of my classes. I am planning on going to all of them, and trying not to miss them. I also really want to keep up with the reading and stuff, so I wont be as stressed out at exam time. I am looking forward to this next year, but I know it will be a hard adjustment and a huge challenge, but I know that if I work hard and put my mind into everything, I will do great. \", 'Today I had a very fun (sarcastic) schedule, I worked out and also participated in my NROTC drill team, which I am a part of. My thoughts are nothing but satisfaction, a vigorous week of PT (physical training), academics, drill, and discipline have finally ended for three glorious days to elapse. Yes, just another three days or so, then it\\'s back to the normal vigorous routine. My feelings for joining the NROTC unit is my decision, the option to choose the path to become a Marine Corps commissioned officer is brave for my part. For the past week, PT has been vigorous and I sometimes find myself out of shape for the activities. My ankle, which has a long history of spraining, is not helping either. My Gunnery Sergeant and my Staff Sergeant and I agreed that the Leathernecks, the \"Marine Corps\" part of the team, will help me get up to standards, after all, the Leathernecks and the entire unit looks after its own. Looks after it\\'s own. I want to be part of the team, a part of the unit, a player, a leader, not a manager, not a weakling, nor any of that. I want to prove that I am someone. That I am a human being, someone worthy of being respected and liked. I have had a couple of bad experiences before I reported to UT. One was that I broke up with my girlfriend for the summer. She and I, even though we liked each other, found out that we were \\'incompatible\\' and the separation of college (me going to UT, she going to U of H) would only make things worse. Sometimes we would find ourselves arguing over something as petty as \\'who left the door open?\\'. It was a bad experience and the breakup just before college hit me like a MACK truck, just like all my bad experiences before. After my breakup, I wonder whether I should date again. There\\'s a nice girl (I won\\'t name her name or how I know her) around that I know but I don\\'t know if I should get to know her more. Maybe it\\'s because I had a bad history of dating, and I sometimes wonder if I would take the circle path back to where I started, broken up and feeling depressed about myself. This girl, I like her a lot, and I think she thinks I\\'m ok, but I don\\'t know if she really likes me. To take another risk like that will probably leave me either being shunned my rejection or being depressed by another break up. That\\'s why I must concentrate on other things. My priority is to the team, and I will work as much as I can to get my unit up and running. I am in the pistol and the drill team and I want to learn more and know more. Also, I want to get a 4. 0 GPA, so I can get a scholarship from my unit. PT has been tough, I find myself being killed by the active duty Marines when we PT, but I can\\'t quit. My ankle had me forced to drop out of the runs two times, but I won\\'t quit the program. I cannot quit, and I will not quit. To quit will put me forever in disgrace as a quitter who couldn\\'t \\'hack it\\' and also in the shun of my teammates, who I left them high and dry by letting them down. To quit would also to put me down further into the downward spiral of depression. To quit is out of the question. I will keep on going no matter what happens and I will do anything that has to be done to pass. I will not fail. ', 'I do not feel well at all, I wonder if it was the tequila from last night or worrying about a girl. Sometimes I don\\'t know why I am still with her. Can you still have feelings for someone that you find annoying? Why am I doing this Writing Assignment now my stomach and head are killing me. I should have tried to pawn it off on one of my roommates for ten dollars or something because who wants to right about what \"they\" think, I\\'m more interested in what other people think about. I mean I alrdy know what I think about, its boring to me, what about the people I don\\'t know, what do they think about, that\\'s what I want to know. I know that girl down there is thinking about something, some psycologist needs to figure out how to read girls, that\\'s what they should be working on, why learn about depression, figure out what girls think about. Honestly, I don\\'t think a single man can tell me what a girl is thinking at any given time, half the time they hate you other half they love you and it can switch just as fast. What\\'s the deal with that! I am still feeling bad my stomach won\\'t stop hurting, I think I need to get something to eat. I need to get feeling better cause I already have plans for tonight, and it sucks going out when you don\\'t feel well. When I go out and I don\\'t feel well, I get extremely annoyed with everyone that I am with. It\\'s probably because they are having more fun then I am. I have noticed that school is obsessed with talking about politics, in every class I go to we talk about Bush and Kerry. YES, 3 more minutes to go on the assignment, but too much politics in my opinion half the time it has no correlation with the subject at hand. In my Spanish class we had a 30 minute discussion about economic poilices, how does that help me with Hola Como estas? This assignment isn\\'t bad, its like the people that have journals, who put there mind on paper. ', \"it is about 93% hispanic and 5% anglo and 3% other. my house is an hour west of south padre island, where my family owns a condo at suntide I and a sailboat in which we dock it at the sea ranch. I will arrive home aroung four thirty or five to go back to my highschool and surprise my boyfriend jason. he will be practising basketball when iget there because he doen't expect me home till six. then I will go home and see my mom, sister,and dog cocoa. cocoa is a chocolate lab that has been missing me very much . she gets extreemly excited every time my boyfriend goes over thinking that I should be around there some where. around seven I will leave to go to about an hour of a football game. see the cheerleading squad that I miss and the band march which I miss just as much. then from there iwill leave and go to the beach, with jason. my mon and sister willalready be there. when I get there my mom promised to bbq my favorite foods, since the dorm food has already gotten old. then at the beach I will spend quality time with my family and take cocoa for walks on the beach, where she loves to run in the ocean and chase sea gulls. I most importantly can't wait to take those long romantic walks on the beach at night with my boyfriend, whom I love and miss very much. on saturdaymy dad and little brother will meet us there after the hunting trip. sunday my neighbors will come down. they are my family down there because our closest relative is in wisconsin. they will bring all there children, which adds up to seven. my boyfriends parents and little brother will also be meeting us down there as well. I can't wait to spend time with all those people, and tell them about my new family up here. I just got into a sorority, a week ago tomorrow. alpha delta pi is the one that I got into, and I love it. they make us study ten hours a week at the house which I think will a positive thing for everyone. however I will miss my roommate this weekend. her name is alyssa bauer and is also a engineerig major like myself. I'm going into civil though and she is going into mechanical. but we get along very well. this is her lab top that I', writing this assignment on right now. she is so sweet. she is even saportive of me being in a sorority. and we went pot luck. \", \" I am sitting here in front of the computer trying to write a constant flow of my thoughts its about 1:30 in the morning the day of the first UT football game that was successfully won by the Horns my roommate is sleeping right now it seem that he sleeps almost 14 hours a day it makes me mad that for some reason that it seems to me that he wastes time so much. All he does every day is go to class, which I guess I should give him credit for that, and when class is over all he does is sit in front of the computer and download things or he lays in bed and watches TV or movies all day he is not that social either he isn't part of a fraternity or any other group or doesn't play any intramurals. He doesn't study whatsoever I guess I am just worried about him because I care about him I mean we've been friends since the sixth grade. It seems kind of weird when we were in junior high he was the sociable type and I was the reclusive type and about since the 10th grade the situation has taken a 180 degree turn I hope they televise the 49er game that they are playing against the Rams and even though most everyone especially my roommate thinks that the 49er don't have a prayer I believe that this opportunity will be a coming out party for JJ Stokes and the emergence of Jim Drunkenmiller the last rookie quarterback to start for the Niners was Joe Montana hopefully a good sign I am also kind of disappointed that I am not able to join the professional business fraternities because they hold most of there meetings when I have my CH301 extension course from 6 to7:30 PM but hey looking at the positive side I have something extra to look forward to next year it sure is great to be alive I feel like I am on top of the world everything is working like clockwork I feel like watching Disney movies well it's about 2 o'clock so I guess that I should go to sleep to rest for the world that lays upon me tomorrow and remember to smile after all physical motion controls the mental emotion ( - : \", \"It's too late to really be writing anything I think but then again I'm here aren't I? Hard to believe I am if you were to ask me where I was going to be twenty years from now it wouldn't be here. I miss my Mom and Dad though I'm not supposed to be there either. Isn't there a time when you're supposed to stop writing about your mom and dad. I'm worried that I'm not writing what I'm supposed to or that I'm not doing this naturally What is naturally anyways I mean it seems like kind of a cop out really. Naturally is a lot harder to accomplish than it looks wouldn't you say oh whoa is me I keep messing up my words and I'm not sure if this is even supposed to look pretty or what the thing with this stupid laptop is how stupid it really is It keeps on jumping up and down to the thing or in the middle of this it so it is impossible to get things down. Is natural easy for you? I wonder if that is true It's even harder to believe it is only 12 32 Whatever happened to going to bed early? I was going to attempt to do that you know Go to bed early It seems that whenever I am away from home these things occur The thing is I do this all the time. write without thinking except I do think about how things are spelled and I can't do this now Or it would take way too much time. Are you guys actually going to read this? I'm sure there are many others who are writing more fascinating things than me. I wish I could think of something funny to say then maybe I'd get an A what's funny I wonder. I wish I was in bed I'm sooo tired I haven't slept a wink I'm so tired my mind is on the brink I wonder should I get up and get myself a drink oh oh o oh I'm so tired Oh who will save your soul to me that means everything you know the songs in your head have nowhere to go except leaving the words on the page an I supposed to be speaking in poetry here? Or will I get counted off ? Are you supposed to be wondering what you get counted off for in college I wonder? My fingers are starting to hurt but the only way I can write this stream of consciousness is by lifting my hands off the keyboard because otherwise the problem arises. I've been thinking about SMU lately and how much I miss it? But do I? What is here for me that SMU doesn't have Why friends of course yet do I have friends? I have Scott I guess though I wish more than anything I had more maybe he'd like me better Shoulders are always cramping up do they do that in others ? In tours Whose reading this anyways? Are my thoughts interesting to you I wish I had a yewl leaf or a yule log Yule that's such a cool word reminds me of Christmas I sound like a goddamn Theater major being all dramatic. What is so wrong with being dramatic I wonder What is so wrong with wanting people to see you/. anyway/. I look at all these people and I criticize them all the time I even criticize scott and I wish I didn't because then I think life would be much easier to live in I don't think anyone's as negative as I am Has it been twenty minutes yet? Oh I have ten left. I wish I could get in side the teacher's but then would I really like what I see. sounding like a theater major again and the roses are blooming outside but they'll be dead soon because they are so lovey all the flowers I have die it seems. I got to get out of this place but then where will you go You want to go to another body but you know the problems will be just as frightening there Travis Craig Maria Todd Ben Jamie, Paige Ben what happened to you all? How come I never was on your crowd? How come you never thought I was cool enough to include in your circle? To respect? To invite? You know I think I would have stopped being so goddamn nice if you had invited me not made me feel like I had to try so hard to be your friend but I don't understand why I had to try so hard? What was wrong with me? I guess it was just sitting down with you all. I couldn't think of anything to say to you and now I can't think of anything to say to anyone? Does that mean they all think of me the same way? Am I doomed to be uncool forever/ Will I ever have that group of friends that I love to watch from afar? I keep trying and trying. I wonder what I would have possibly have done to be happier at SmU? I wanted to be their center of attention. I think I could have handled it if boys hit on me,. but they never did you know. I think I could have handled it if they had come up to me and said hey. you know were going to a movie tonight do you want to come? We really want you too,. I really want you too. And have it not be on a school night for God's sake. I mean that was half my problem I never went to anyone's house on a school night. I wanted to study. Was that so bad? And I guess I just felt very intimidated when I went over there because all I could really do was watch. I could never really join in because they didn't think it was worth listening to ? Or was it my fault because I just didn't try? Now I'm here and I don't feel any different at the coop except at this point I really don't care if they accept me or not because I have tons of more important things to do. I have my time school you know School take up like Scott's work and your theater and everything. , UT is my life now,. ,. my best friend I guess. What is a best friend anyway? Everyone has their faults I guess a best friend is someone oh times up. \", 'Wow. what an assignment. I think this has got to be one of the easiest grades I have ever made. I am feeling a bit like Doogie Howser (at the end of each episode, it is night and he normally sits at his computer and types his journals out and reflects upon the events that happened throughout the day). I am typing this in Microsoft word, because it was recommended by your little site and was repeated about 4 times. Although I have Physics tomorrow, which I have no clue what is going on in because my teacher is a bit confused himself. I am feeling relieved because I had this HUGE paper due in my freshman seminar class today and I worked my ass off for it and I feel good about it. I am not all that great of a writer but I think I will get a decent grade on it. Plus it was only a first draft, and we will have to go back and revise them and whatnot. By the time I am completely finished with the paper I am going to despise it but hey, that is how it goes, I suppose. I think it is good for a person to just sit and write or type every once and a while. I have a friend, Olga, who has gone through like 12 journals in the past 3 years. She tries to find time for it everyday. it is her relaxation and when she is really upset or depressed, once she gets everything out. she feels better. Which reminds me, I need to give her a call. I miss her. She goes to Southwest Texas. I am actually sitting on the phone with my boyfriend who is also in the class (Michael Linford). We are both typing this writing assignment at the same time. Well. I thought it was a bit humorous. I am actually in a really good mood, because my boyfriend and I actually live in the same city now. It is a really good feeling. We met last year, here in Austin at debate camp. He is from Colleyville (DallasFort Worth), so we spent just under a year living 4 hours apart from each other. All of my classes are going pretty good, although I still don\\'t really have a clue what I want to major in just yet. I am in the college of Liberal Arts (woo hoo!) and I was thinking about a double major in psychology and government. I also want to go to law school. I seriously doubt I will get into UT\\'s law school. It is way too competitive. * Sigh * who knows, I sure don\\'t. I am living at Dobie right now, and let me tell youI am getting ripped off. It is $7000 a year and I have a little room and have to walked up stairs all the time because I live on the 2nd floor (the \"intensive study floor\"), which I never signed up to be in. I guess it isn\\'t all that bad though; at least I\\'m not at Jester. I don\\'t have a car here because my parents are irrational. I have a car sitting in the garage at home but they didn\\'t want me to bring it with me because they thought it would be some sort of a \"growing experience\" for me. Although I only live around an hour or so away from here (Schertz, TX. near San Antonio) I haven\\'t been home since I have been here. I have no real desire to go home. I hated high school, well I hated it my senior year. All my friends graduated and my classes were a waste of time. I guess that is one of the reasons why I feel I can\\'t compete with some of the people here at UT, my high school didn\\'t have much to offer. I have a good friend of mine (Shala) that came and saw me the weekend before last. She is at UNT and she hates it there. Although I miss her, I think she misses me a whole hell of a lot more. She has resorted to hanging out with people from our high school that didn\\'t give her the time of day for the last 6 years of her life. Jocks and whatnot. Supposedly there is this annoying kid (who I started to resent in high schoolScott Hall) that talks to her nonstop about me. Scott and I were buds back in 8th grade and once we got to high school, I no longer existed. That happened with a lot of my jr. high friends. Back to Shala, well she told me yesterday that she has \"found God. \" If only you knew Shala, you would know that is a load of shit. If she is happy, then hey I am all for it, but I don\\'t think it is something she\\'ll stick with. I am not an atheist or anything but I just don\\'t know and don\\'t care to find out. I am not saying I won\\'t be open to opinions and respectful of one\\'s commitment and dedication but it is something that annoys me. I guess that is because of my parents. They use to force me to go to church, and my dad wouldn\\'t let me go out or do anything on Sundays unless I went (even though he would sit at home, watching football or somethinghypocrite!) Alright. I have far surpassed the 20minute limit and I\\'m out. ', 'I\\'ve done alot of self-analysis lately. I realize a few things about myself. I\\'m a bit obsessive and I believe that may hinder the growth of my current relationship The person I started dating is a wonderful guy, but I take all the small things to heart His dealing with a alot of coming out issues and that makes it much harder on him. The nature of the relationship itself is freaky even for me here is this guy. I\\'ve been best friends with him for three years now. He and I have been roommates for about two years and it\\'s like all of a sudden the doors of our relationship have flown open. He is now doing things that before I didn\\'t imagine with him. He was a friend now he\\'s something. Do I want this? Yes, I guess. I have talk to numerous people about this, like Renee. She is a wonderful friend. Her whole entire existence revolves around one thing right now. Sex! It seems to be a common search for people our age. What if you settle for less, because emotionally that person is so well suited to you. Is that bad or good. I view that as okay. I need reach within myself and learn whether or not. Settling for less is good or bad. I do know one thing. I do great work, when motivated. I become more goal orientated lately. Setting one tasks and completing it well. It is time consuming but I believe it will be more beneficial to those I serve. I\\'ve been struggling to pick a major and right now I don\\'t know. I\\'m so lost I really just need some direction. This school year has just been really confusing. My whole life has changed in a matter of one month, but I\\'m happier. Happiness is really a weird word. I think sometimes it just adding a little bit of energy to a doomed project. Who knows time to reconsider my thought and self image. Life would be easier, if there wasn\\'t some guy up there scrambling our thoughts. I don\\'t believe in a higher being, but maybe there is a higher bean. hehehehe!!!! I used to believe in God then during some \"clarity\" I thought who would do right by making animals who feed off of each other. Either emotionally, physically or mentally, finding those symbiotic relationships I guess is one of life\\'s little hills we must all conquer. I love life! ', \"I can't believe I am doing this, and that I actually am getting through it, because this is the first time that I have ever logged on to the world wide web, at least I think that is what you call it. To tell you the truth it is actually easier than I thought it would be, I expected it to be very difficult, but it's not all that bad. Anyhow all this computer stuff is fairly new to me and so it is rather confusing for me at times. But I guess I am coping with it and handling it the best I can. Though I am always afraid that I will hit one button and the whole place will shut down. Actually, that is a true nightmare that I have had before. Which reminds me that I have been having really strange dreams lately, and all of them concern a different aspect of school. Which I guess is because I have just moved here from a really small town. And when I say small, I mean really , really small, like about fifteen hundred people in the whole town. Now compared to that Austin is a real shocker. I guess it just takes some getting used to , and learning new things when you move from a farm to a fast paced city. So many things are different and yet so many things are the same. A funny thing happened when I first moved here a week ago, I found out that my cousin, she is the same age as me, is living in the apartment directly above mine. to me this is such a coincidence, really when you think about it is. Just think of how many apartment buildings there are in Austin, and I unknowingly chose the exact same one that she did. And she and I only used to see each other once a year, but now we see each other nearly every day. Christmas, when our families all got together was the only time we saw each other, I am already looking forward to the Christmas season because of the weather that we have at that time. I am so tired of this ninety degree weather. I can't wait for a cold spell or a norther to blow in and cool everything off. But I guess that won't happen for a while yet anyway. That reminds me that I have to pick up a raincoat or an umbrella before this weekend, because I am planning to go to my youngest brothers football game, and I want to be prepared in case it happened to rain. More than likely it won't rain, but I know that If I don't get a raincoat or umbrella then sure enough it will pour. I don't usually enjoy watching football games, actually I don't ever enjoy watching it, but my brother begged me and begged me to come see him, so I finally told him that we would come watch him this Friday. he's supposed to be really good. But I don't even remember what position he plays anymore. The reason that I don't really like football is that I don't understand the rules very well, and I think that if I knew them better then I would be able to follow along with the game better and enjoy it much more. I am not much of a person who likes sports and athletics much anyway. I like to do more calm, less active things. One of my really good friends happens to be getting married this weekend. I wonder what the wedding will be like, considering the man she is marrying is so strange. I wonder how long that marriage will last. But I am glad to be going to her wedding, because I will be able to see all of my old friends from high school again, and catch up with what they are doing now. I haven't seen them is a really long time so that should be interesting. Well, I am way past my twenty minutes, and must get to class, so I must end here. \", \"Well I am sitting here in my room and it's about 2:30 PM. My roommate is on the phone so it's not very quiet in here right now. Last week my boyfriend hooked up the Ethernet on my computer. After trying to get it to work we finally got everything hooked up. It seemed to be working, well all of the programs were working but when I went to shut the computer down it came to a blue screen and my computer was messed up. It said a bunch of stuff about pressing a key to terminate a program that wasn't working, well I pressed a key and the screen was frozen. What's wrong!!!! I restarted the computer and shut it down again and it still did the same thing. Today I turned the computer on and it did the same thing. I called the computer center and after being on hold for an hour I finally go help, well I guess you can call it help. He couldn't help me but he set up an appointment for Friday with someone who will help me. Hopefully I can get this thing figured out. I just bought this computer a few months ago and it was very expensive. Well enough about computers. I am a little tired. I had an 8 o'clock class, after the class though I came back to the room and took a nap until 12:30. I think that made me even more tired. Well I need to start reading my English. I have a book I have to finish by Thursday. I am half-way through, but there's still 120 pages to go. I hate reading! I read slow and it takes forever. That's not very good for an English major. I should enjoy to read, especially because I will be doing a lot of it in the future. I am a sophomore student here but this is my first year here. This is a big change, I am very close to my family and it was hard to leave them. I am 2 1/2 hours from home so it's not that far, but it's still a lot of driving for the weekend. I went home this weekend. I was glad to be home. I'm not sure if I like this place yet or not. I think it will take a little time. At least my roommate is sweet, we get along good. That's a positive thing. The bad thing is that last night we found roaches under the sink. Babies so they're everywhere under the sink. It is really gross. I never saw roaches before so I freaked out. The weird thing is that we don't have any open food, I guess the roaches are looking for the water and it's also dark under there. We put a request in to have someone come and spray. They haven't yet. I hope they come soon! Well my time is almost up. This was really weird just writing off of the top of my head. Actually it's kind of peaceful because I enjoy typing. Well I have my psychology class next, at 3:30 PM. I need to get ready for class. I need to check if they got the books in yet. Last Friday they didn't have the book in. Well my time is up so I will submit now. Until the next assignment. see you later!!!! \", \"Okay, I've begun writing. One thing I should probably point out as I recall the above statement about disregarding grammar is that I spend so much time typing on the computer that editing grammar and punctuation as I type are second nature to me, so it's not like I've gone back and fixed all the errors. Which doesn't mean that there probably aren't any run on sentences in here. Okay. That's been said. Right now my roommate is being fairly loud. I find that bothersome. I'm not sure if he's stupid or inconsiderate. I'd rather be at home right now. I was spoiled by having to do little to no work over the summer and now I'm having trouble getting the motivation to do anything. It made the summer more fun at the time, but it was maybe not such a good idea. Ideas are like that because of that whole 20/20 hindsight thing. I'm looking at the vents on the side of my computer and for some reason it struck me that they look like gills. I'm not looking forward to having to do the other writing assignment. Which is not to say I think it'll be difficult, but this assignment requires almost no discipline. The other one will require me to have directed thought, and that's not really that big a deal, but it's one thing to sit down ready to do a task and another thing to attempt the task when you know exactly how long you're supposed to be doing it. What I mean to say is that the time will seem to pass more slowly because I'll be watching the clock, so I'll probably be more bored, and I don't like to be bored. I'm not very far into this but my train of thought seems to have stopped. Probably because my roommate(or actually suitemate; I have a room to myself but share a refrigerator, microwave and two bathrooms with two other guys)keeps playing random notes on his guitar and someone else in his room is speaking very loudly. It wouldn't be so bad if he'd just shut his door, but for some reason he hasn't thought of that. They've wandered outside his room and are now talking very loudly outside of my door now. Now they seem to have left, so maybe I can concentrate. No, that didn't work. I've found it previously difficult to make my mind blank intentionally, but now it seems to come quite easily. I think probably I'm tired. The cable system here has more cable changes than the cable at my home, so when there's nothing else to do I usually watch something like Comedy Central late at night and shave a few hours off of a healthy amount of sleep. That's better; time's passing quickly now. Which I normally wouldn't like, but this is something I wouldn't have done if it wasn't a grade(no offense to anyone involved in this research)and when you're forced to do something you want it to end quickly. I think the air conditioning in this dorm is screwed up. It's hot right now, and I had to buy a fan earlier to keep it semi-cool in my room. It doesn't work all the time. Like right now. The fan's blowing on me, but I'm not cool. There he goes again. I think my roommate's playing 'Sympathy for the Devil' now. Which isn't so bad, because that's a good song. I tried to learn the piano once, but I didn't stay on it for very long. I found that the teacher was really good for nothing, because I could learn everything she taught from the book itself. But when I stopped going to lessons I found too many other things to occupy my time, and stopped practicing. I would have liked to have been able to play the keyboard parts in several Rolling Stones songs. And several other of the 'older' bands' songs. Most modern music is pretty much no good. And that brings an end to my twenty minutes. \", \"Today has been a very stress ful day starting with the first time I ever missed a class. Today my parents and I got in a fight and I was going to be late to class so I decided to just not go. This caused my parents to be evenmore upset with me. Not to mention that we were already stressed about the apartment situation for next year. Isn't that retared to hav eto sign a lease in September for the following school year? You don't even know if you will get along with the people that you ahve agreed to live with for the entire year. A realty company makes everything so much more difficult. We have to pay a application fee and a security depsoit of $35 adn $480 respectivly. In the upcoming week we have to put our firsty monts rent down which is $481. It is just rediculous that we have to worry about this at this point in time. I am also extremly stressed about school. First of all I don't know what to expect coming from hogh school to college. Second of all, all the professors throw all this stuff at you st once and expect you to remeber itall. It is completly over whelming to a freshman. Third on my list, my soroity is also giving us all these dates to remember, things to sign up for, dues to pay, committments to fulfill that everything is all mumble jumble in my head. I am completely overwhelmded. Foutrh of all, I never get any sleep. I had to go home to Houston to get rest and to be able to study. Fifth -- I have not been able to fit my routine work out into my schedule yet. I am terrified about gaining the freshman fifteen. This summer I wroked so hard to lose weight, and I finally did. I will be greatly depressed if I gain it back and more!!!! College is supposed to be the best four years of your life, but so far it has been one big stress pile up. I can;t take it. Not to mention that I am completwly homesick. I am so close to my family it is ridiculous. I miss my mom to no extent. My sister just got engaged and I feel like I am missing out on all of the party plans. I feel so far away. My dad has to be the most unselfish wise person I know. He adds so much to a converation. I miass them all so much. Everyhting brings me to tears these days if I start to think too long about it. One of the most important things in my life I forgot. My dog Jake. I miss his sweet face so much. He was such a good friend and companion. I never have any time to email my friends in London or in other colleges around the nation. I also feel like I am having a hard time opening up to my surrounding s whether it is to my girlfriends or to guys. I wish everything wasn't ALWAYS a drunken brawl. I don't mind the partying if it only were in moderation. Anyways, I think I am just having to get adjusted and that it is just taking me longer than others. everything is all so important to me:grades friends, guys, family, beliefs etc. Why can't evrything just be perfect???? \", \"I am doing this at the last minute and feel bad that I am but we do not have internet access at my house right now because our America Online is on the fritz but I am very happy that I can do it at the library. Now that I have been typing for three minutes I feel more relaxed and confident, I hope that this computer will submit this to you after I complete the assignment. I have a lot going on in my life at the moment, pledgeship is taking its toll in me and consuming a lot of my time and at least my business has slowed down at the moment. I have a little time to catch my breath. I am very pleases and excited with UT and look forward to getting back into my groove and having a set schedule. Pledgeship is taking up a lot of time but it is only for 8 weeks and that is good I need a date for the party this Friday night and am a little preoccupied with it. , there are a few girls that I have in mind and would like to take and of course I want to make a good impression at my first pledge party so I will look good to my fellow pledge brothers. my pager just went off which means that I have another job to go do and I will do it tomorrow I hope that I am doing the correct thing for your experiment I firmly believe that there can never be a random experiment because once a person knows they are being experimented on it can and will influence their outcome. this is what I told my statistics teacher when we were discussing random surveys. come on have you ever been in the mall and somebody asks you to do an experiment and you slightly alter your answers because either you were embarrassed or the like, sure we all have and that is why people are not truly random I believe that we all have logarithms that are inherent in our minds, kind of like blueprints or instincts that tell us to act of do certain things and with these being in our mind we can never truly be random. If broken down to the lowest level a pattern would form and from this pattern we would be able to predict responses and behavior thus disproving the theory of randomness My time is about up I hope that you have enjoyed listening to the voice in my head and I also hope that you will see things with a different perspective now. If you don't that's okay because not many people think that the random theory is true anyway. But I do. \", \"Right now I am a little worried that I am not doing this right because I don't really know what I am suppose to be writing about. Well, I am excited because my best friend, Courtney, is going to be in Austin in about two hours. She started school in Waxahachie about two weeks ago and I haven't seen her since then. We are going to the lake tomorrow and Labor Day and I can't wait. I love going to the lake with Courtney because her grandma has two jet skis and she lets us use them as much as we want. I am excited about school starting. I have always planned on coming to UT, but I never thought the day would ever actually come. All my classes seem okay and all my teachers seem very nice and helpful. I think that I will do pretty well in all my classes this semester, but next semester I am going to have to take a nursing 310 class and the main part of the grade will be based on a major speech that I have to give. I hate giving speeches. I always think that I'll do okay, but when get up to give the speech I start to shake and sweat. I am getting better at it though. I believe that the more you do something like that the better you get at it. My freshman year in high school I was terrified of getting up in front of the class. I would be shaking so bad they could hardly understand what I was saying. It was also hard to play my flute solos in front of my band class. During my junior year I was getting better and had more confidence in myself and during my senior I played at region band and almost made district. I also performed skits and memorized a Shakespeare sonnet and recited it in front of the class. I am glad that it has gotten easier for me, but it is still difficult for me to stand up and give speeches in front of people that I don't know very well. It's not as hard for me if it is in front of people that I know well or my family and friends. I just feel like people that I don't know are staring at me and judging me or something. Now I just try to forget about that and try to focus on what I have to say. As a nurse I will have to deal with people a lot. I enjoy talking to people one on one, but I will probably eventually have to teach others or give speeches so I will have to overcome my fears and realize that it is really not that big of a deal. I hope that by the time I graduate college I will have no problem speaking in front of people and that I might even enjoy it. \", \" I am really tired. I got up this morning at 7:45 to go get tickets for the seniors in my fraternity, and I don't even know if I'll get to go. They're for the Texas vs. OU game in October. I was up last night until 3:30 and I had to wake up at 7:45 this morning to go wait in line at the stadium. I have the song Nashville Blues by Cory Morrow in my head because last night, after walking Rachel back to her room, I came in to find three half-naked, drunken frat boys had wandered into my room and awoken my roommate. They were making him play Nashville Blues while they sung and taped the entire episode. They claimed to be filming Towers Gone Wild, which was a take-off of Girls Gone Wild, only filmed at Towers. I have recently been seeing a cute girl, but I am sort-of afraid of commitment. Twenty minutes seems to me like a long time to type. I've barely made it through six minutes, and I am pretty much ready to go to bed and stop doing this. This girl is really cute and sweet, but I just got over a really hard break-up, and I am kind-of anxious about getting into a new relationship where the same thing could happen. I think that it is funny that, although I'm supposed to be writing in stream-of-consciousness, my spelling and grammar are almost impeccable. I wonder if the person who reads this will agree. I probab;y made a typo on some really easy word, and therefore the grader will assume that I am a pompous idiot that is too conceited to see my own faults. Or maybe that's me talking. Maybe I'm grading myself when I say something like that. Nine minutes and forty three seconds. It's funny that by the time I had written nine minutes and forty three seconds, that time had passed. I am now very ready to stop this assignment. Twenty minutes is not an absurd amount of time for the professor to ask for, but it does seem like a long time to write without stopping. I wonder what Tank is doing. I wonder if Laurie is going to come over to see him. I don't like Laurie very much. I think she's very annoying. She whines far too much. Now I'm whining about her. I hope I'm not keeping my roommate up with my typing. This keyboard is pretty loud. I still have to write for another seven minutes. My neck itches. There, that's better. My composition has gotten much less formal and much more personal since I mentioned the perfection of my spelling and grammar. Tank just walked in and totally interruptd my train of thought. He doesn't really respect people's space too much. But he's an overall pretty good guy. If I go to sleep in fifteen minutes, I can take a three and a half hour nap before I have to be at the house to build. I am not going to Philosophy. I am too tired. I don't really think I'll be missing too much, because if I did go, I would fall asleep in there as well. My bed is much more comfortable than those tables in the Law Building. That is a really long walk. I takes thirty minutes. My back hurts. I need a shower. I need a cup of iced tea. I actually don't NEED either of those. I just WANT a shower and a cup of iced tea. And a nap. I'm a pretty funny guy, if I put my mind to it. Right now, I'm not putting my mind to anything but sleep. English was boring today. just like every other day. I think I probably failed that reading quiz. I probably got a fifty. I read about fifty percent of the selection. My professor must be pretty good at making quizzes if they're that accurate. I never had that happen in high school. I'm just going to stop now. Good night. \", \"so there you go. my one feeling. tired. I think ill get to know that a little more as the semester goes on. and now I'm beginning to feel another emotion. that of annoyance. my roommate is talking to me about a bunch of crap while I'm trying to do this thing. I've got a dull sort of sensation in my head. I guess I've been working to hard. or maybe that could be from that lack of sleep. but then why do I want to dwell on this the whole time. can I not think of anything better to say?. that brings me to my biggest character flaw. not knowing what to say. and why the hell do I want to bring this up. I don't know. my mind wanders again as he talks somemore. I'm also beginning to feel a little overwhelmed with the college work load. I don't really think it is that much stuff. it's just that I have one class I don't like at all. that being good old rhet/comp. and how can I hate a class like that so much. I hate writing and reading. simply put. I have a strong sensation to end right here with this writing. but then that just wouldn't be right. and then I think I might be able to get something out of this. I kind of feel like I'm doing this incorrectly. seems more like a diary to me. and now the people outside the dorm room are making noise. do they ever have any freaking homework to do. at least I havent heard the bass being played way to damn loud today. the sob was playing the stuff at 2 in the moring. not that it woke me up. but I got to hear my roommate bitch about it. I kind of feel proud of myself somewhat today. I had somewhat of a social interaction with a girl. something that hasnt happened in a while. if ever. yeah. sad state of affairs for me. that brings me back to think of why I havent gone anywhere in my life with the opposite sex. I guess if I just got to being a little more social. yeah. I could fix that problem. well. at least that was a start today. now if I could just keep stuff like that up and not be so much of an introvert. I might just turn out ok. now I'm low in the well of ideas. what else to type about. am I even doing what the assignment was asking of. I remember going to the therapist while I was in middle school. she said I had to express myself. and not be afraid to feel my emotions. yada yada. I know I have emotions to feel. I guess I'm just too damn shy to show them sometime. and now I hear female voices outside. I'm kind of glad I hear them. takes my mind away from doing this. and lets me concentrate on them. I don't know why I like trying to figure out what the hell they are saying. I guess I like seeing how other people interact with one another. speaking of that. me and my roommate. we interact. just don't talk too much. we need to get the hell out of this room a little more often and meet different people. I can't force him to do anything . but I know I can maybe get myself out to do some stuff. I'm kind of pissed at the people from school that came to UT. it's almost as if they fucking ignore me. but then thats ok. I know some might be doing that just because I am with my roommate. they don't really like him much at all. I just got a little laugh hearing my roommate having computer problems. I'm really having a bad time when I have to talk about something like that. well. I'm kind of proud of myself. I was able to spend 16 minutes so far talking about almost absolutely nothing. one last thing to talk/bitch about. I like the food here at dobie. yeah. nice to know. but the fucking lines are a bitch. 2 mins remaing. go clock, go. wooh. I used a comman. I better learn to have more patcients (spelling) with the hw assignments. I always find myself watching the clock, seeing how many pages I have left, or anything else that I can use to see what kind of a pace I am on. and once I find out how slow it's going for me. I get discouraged. oh well. the clock on the computer reads 10:50. that would make 20 mins complete. 1/2 way done. lets get this over with \", 'Today I went to class at 8AM. I didn\\'t want to get up at all. Even though I slept by 11PM, it was really hard to wake up this morning. I do not look forward towards Tuesdays and Thursdays. My first class today at 8AM was all the way across campus and it made the walk there more dreadful. Also, when I got up there I didn\\'t learn a bit. You know how in Charlie Brown the teacher talks like wah wah wahhh wah wah. \", the teacher\\'s aid voice just seemed to trail away. As the class neared the end, I left early so that I could go home and catch a couple of z\\'s before my next class which was at 11AM. Soon as I got home, I just fell asleep almost instantaneously. For some odd reason, I had a dream of home. Maybe I do miss it more than I think. By 10:30AM, I woke up to get myself prepared for the next class. I left late and arrived to class late, leaving me to sitting on the floor next to the door. Taking notes is such a pain in the ass, when trying to use your legs as a desk. I just sat there thinking about the repetitive information. Then soon after the 2nd or 3rd example, I blanked out and started to think about what I should do when I get home (back to my dorm) and that I needed to study for a quiz the next class. After the very monotonous class was over, I head towards my dorm room to eat some lunch with my roommate. I think he is feeling the same way as I do, tired, hungry, nostalgic, and lethargic. After lunch, I got prepared for my quiz. I ended up studying for 10 minutes at most. I should have studied more but I wasn\\'t up to it. After studying a little, I watched the news and then headed for a class. I also went to that class a little late. For some reason, today has just been an \"off\" day. I think I did rather well on that quiz and the information didn\\'t seem like it was \"out of this world. \" I guess the best way to track my feelings/ thoughts for this 20 minutes is the way I felt and thought about my day. I feel like this day was pointless in some way and that I should have done something productive. It seems like I always feel like that. The only thing I\\'ve achieved today was canceling my friend\\'s plane ticket from Northwest Arkansas to Austin. She was coming to watch the old rivals play. I cancelled the airplane ticket because she found a cheaper mode of transportation. Other than that I set up my new computer and caught up with the news in Iraq and in California and also the hurricane in the Atlantic Ocean. I think I need to be motivated more. Someone to tell me that I need to go do something or someone to go do something with. I guess it\\'s because I am feeling nostalgia. Back at home, I usually had someone to go do something with me or ask me to do something or whatever. But in this new setting and the freedom, I haven\\'t done too much. Maybe I am doing more than the usual because I\\'ve finished most of my homework and chores this weekend and I\\'m just thinking that I need to do more. I guess it\\'ll take me a while to get use to the college life. ', 'right now I\\'m thinking about how I don\\'t want to do this I just want to get to new mexico and start hunting. this is the fifteenth year me and my dad have been doing this. it all started when I was 3 I can remember my first time of course I didn\\'t shoot anything that year just kind of watched but it was still fun. I\\'m also excited that my best bud justin gets to go with us I met him at church camp my freshman year of high school. he\\'s not from kerrville he\\'s from boerne but after that first year we were always kicking it together every weekend. we have had some fun times parties, going wakeboarding at the lake, snow skiing, spring break at south padre. its all good. well back to hunting now, its a good drive and here I am stuck doing my homework instead of driving in the car, I wish I had a lap top then I could do this while I was driving. I almost got one, but my dad changed his mind and got me the box. I\\'m not complaining because I have a burner and did and its real fast and all but a lap top just seems more versatile. dang how long is twenty minutes. when your sleeping twenty minutes goes by SO FAST but when your doing homework or sitting in some boring class, IT TAKES FOREVER. funny how that works. any way I wish the twenty minutes was over and it almost is just a few more minutes left. at least this was an easy assignment, not some hardcore 235346 page essay you wanted typed out single spaced font size of 9. I have to do one of those for English and I haven\\'t even thought about. I\\'m a procrastinator it will probably be the night before and I hadn\\'t even started on it, oh man I just got a big time hunger for ice cream, chocolate ice cream that is. after this maybe ill go get some, I hope you don\\'t take off for grammar or are expecting proper English in this thought page. because I\\'m just writing what comes to me and my thoughts move faster than I write so its kind of hard because I have so many thoughts yet my hands can only go so fast. dang there are a lot of hot chicks at UT I\\'m glad that me and the girl I was dating from home decided to date other people before we went away to school, because I would be a bad boy and want to mess around on her, but I\\'m not like that, I have real guilty conscience. any way back to those hot chick, dang so many girls and only 4 years of college to get to know them all. I hope I can fit them all in to my busy schedule, you right like they would give me the time of day well actually a real hot chick asked me the time but that\\'s about all she would give me dang like I said twenty minutes is a long time and the clock is going very slowly I swear it hasn\\'t moved since I started. now I\\'m thinking about \"what\\'s going through my mind what can I type to take up space maybe I should just start typing long words but then I wouldn\\'t spell them right so its no use. any way back to school and back to this 20 minute writing assignment. I don\\'t know what to right, I\\'m drawing a blank, dang its like my mind is running black. well now I\\'m worried about not having enough crap packed. I can\\'t wait to go to new mexico, its my favorite trip of the year, its all I can think about right now because I\\'m leaving right after I finish this. only a few more minutes. I\\'m going home and I can\\'t wait to see my dog. of all the people at my house to miss, I can\\'t wait to see my dog, he probably doesn\\'t care but oh well, I can\\'t wait to see him. ', \"The University of Texas at Austin is amazing. I love the fact that I'm living independently in my dorm. I have high expectations for myself here at the university at I also fear many aspects of college life. I have to remind myself to stay focused. I'm extremely excited about the opportunities that Austin has to offer, regarding education and entertainment. I'm really looking forward to the relationships I'm going to make, the parties I'm a enjoy, and best of all the memories that will be cherished. I feel so free, but nervous at the same time. I feel I can make it though. I just visited home last weekend to visit my grandfather and the rest of my family. I miss my grandfather, but he's in a better place now. I believe he's still with me in spirit and his soul is still protecting me. Death is a crazy thing. I was happy to see all my family for the labor day weekend, but it wasn't the same without my grandpa. My grandpa was like the king of my large family, so the reunion was abnormal without the him. I pray for him like I always have. My cousin's up in ATX with me. I know I'm a be partying with him a lot this semester and next semester. I felt so suppressed at home cause I had parents that tripped all the time, but I know they trip as much as other parents. I'm enjoying everything at this university. I'm just inhaling everything and it's great. Classes are huge, people are diverse, it's just a crazy experience. I'm half way done with this assignment. I miss some things about my hometown, I miss my mom and the rest of my family, but I miss my girlfriend like Crazy! She's so amazing! Kat dropped me off last night and we chilled in my dorm all by ourselves. We've been together for like an official month, but we've been getting to know each other for like 7 months. I'm really starting to trust her, she's really growing on me. I reminisce about my other girlfriends, and they're whack in comparison with my shorty. She seems, and I emphasize seems, so faithful to me, it's weird. Trusting girls with all your heart is hard, because tricks be scandalous sometimes. I've been played like a Sega dreamcast over and over like a broken record. I got so much battle scars and war wounds from selfish young girls, it's hard to believe I can still trust Kat as much as I do. But for some reason I just do, I'm fearing what the hell she's capable of doing to me, like hurting me, and that's why I don't act faithful sometimes. I've been good, but I guess I'm just scared to be alone, so I just stay somewhat close to other women. Because if she messes up and does me greasy, then I got some chicks that are close to me. I've never really been alone in that way. There's always some girls willing to get to know me. I've had some lonely times though everyone does. There's so much in front of me at this university, I don't know what to expect. I just have to remember to stay focused, get my priorities straight, and bust my ass to get my goals done. \", \"well let's see, today was an okay day. psy class was pretty interesting. mr pennebaker is a funny guy. too bad I have a feeling that class will be hard. I hope I do good. I really want to make all a's this semester and my whole time here at UT. I'm listening to this new song I really like. I listen to it a lot. its by nasty boy clique and the song is called I want to love you. it is not a dirty song. it's really nice. the first time I heard it, it made me think of this guy I like. it's kinda our story. I like this boy a lot. and he does too. I miss him. this feels weird writing what I'm feeling to someone I don't even know. but anyhow he is 100 miles away from me. he goes to school in waco at tstc. I really hope he does well, and I know he is. as I look at the time its only been 3 minutes plus some. man this sure is going pretty slow. hmm. what else. oh yeah I need to read fast food nation for english class. I hate reading. I was wondering how I would do in college since I don't like to read. I'm doing okay so far, but I don't know. I have to take a quiz in that class tomorrow. I'm lost for words now. my own little writer's block. and a whole 15 minutes left. well no one is in my dorm right now. the 3 other girls are gone. this one girl she sleeps really early like 11. or at least that's early for me. but the bad part isn't sleeping early but she SNORES, and its very loud. gosh we all hear it. jessica just came in the door, and scared me cause I thought it was her. but anyways, I'm bored. I really don't want to do this for 20 minutes but I need to cause I want the grade. what else? oh I ate popcorn. it was nice. it was cheddar. there was an extra bag of cheese to add. yummy in the tummy! :) on my little desk I brought a phone right, and it doesn't work. the phone jack is whack. shikisha's phone jack doesn't work either. only jessica's. lucky her. now I'm looking around my dorm to see what else I could write about. I see the picture of me and brian. that's the guy I like. darn I wish he was here. he will call me when he is out of class. *smiles* hahahaha as I write this I was just thinking that the people who read this and analyze this get that females usually write about relationships, boys, and all that mama drama. mannnnn. I wonder if boys do that too? hahaha. crap I need to to barnes and noble and buy magazineS for english. what a waste. all I need are some ads, along with that I have to deposit a check so I can have some money in my bank account. my friend danny keeps iming me, and his mean self warned me. I will warn him back when I'm done with this. and just now my sister imed me asking who warned me on AIM. I think I should do something today, but I'm not sure. that party at the plaza thing is still going on. but all the organization people are gone. they had some basketball scholarship thing, putt putt golf, and other random things, but I didn't do any of it. I just passed by. my left back hand has *due writing assignment online. and the online is underlined. hehe that was my reminder to do it. I did it after I watched supermarket sweep. cause there wasn't anything else to watch. and I did this cause I had nothing else to do. I wonder if my buddies want to go and do something? gosh darnit I also need to go to that jester thing where they help you with homework. I need some help in math. I guess I just don't understand. woooo hoooo. like 2 more minutes to go and I'm done. in this counting minutes/seconds I will just say. HOLLA [term used in houston. hahaha] a lil ghetto, since austin isn't. \", \"Right now I am thinking about September 11th because i just got out of music class, and we discussed the emotional impact that music has on people. I never really thought about how emotional some songs make me feel. When my music teacher played Amazing Grace after reading an e-mail from a New York firefighter, I felt myself get teary eyed. It has been about 20 minutes since I've been in his class, and I still have that heart ache feeling thinking about the diffrent songs he played for the class. I also feel homesick. I keep thinking how i want to spend the anniversary of September 11th at home with my mom and dad. I am already homesick, and Wednesday is just going to intinsify my home sickness. I feel worried about my school work. I have so much homework that i need to get done that I'm starting to feel stressed out. I wish i would have study more these past two weeks instead of leaving the huge load I have now to the last minute. I don't think I'm ever going to catch up! I am really worried about Biology. It's an advanced class, and I have no idea what I'm doing in there. I still have an 11 paged packet that I must have done tomorrow. It's too hard though. I really wanted to go workout, but I don't feel like I have time. I want to go tanning but I have class at 3:30 and I needed to study inbetween my classes. I am really hungry. I want some buffalo wings. I think after I'm done typing this I'm going to order some Pluckers. I am also really thirsty, but I'm too lazy to go downstairs and get a coke. I'll just wait until I go get food. My room mate won't stop making noise which keeps breaking my train of thought. I really miss my nephew. I havn't got to see him in months. I hope when i go home this weekend I will be able to see him, but I doubt it beacuse his mom is such a psycho. She never lets us see him unless she wants something. I am going to call her and tell her I want to see him this weekend. I think I'll buy him a UT shirt before I leave on Friday. I put your picture away, sat down and cried for days. I can't look at you laying next to her. I wonder how Jess is doing. I havn't talked to her since i came to Austin. I hope she's doing better than when I left. This song sure does remind me of her. I hope her and Michael are talking again. It smells like clorox in my room. I need to spray some Lysol on here. Plus I need to clean my room. It's starting to get really messy. I wonder if that's bothering Crystal? She would tell if it was. Well, I'll clean my half just to be nice, and so I can be more organized. I need to do my laundry. I guess i could do it later. \", \"It is Friday, which means that school is done for the first week. My classes have gone extremely well. I have calculus, MIS, Psychology, Intro to Western Music, BA101. My calculus teacher is kind of hard to understand, though. I am also very happy because I have worked out at the gym every day since moving here. I am trying to lose weight and have already lost three pounds. I am also trying to eat better. I run for between 10 to 30 minutes, walk, and do the bicycle machine. The Castilian looks like it has delicious food, but since I'm trying to eat healthy, it's kind of hard looking at all the people eating ice cream, pizza, hamburgers. Once I get to my goal weight, I am going to allow myself one food treat a week. Another reason I am happy is that my email is finally working. It took two hours for a man here to set up my internet. I was on the phone yesterday for like eight hours trying to set up my email. No one seemed to be able to help me. A guy came in today and hooked me up in less than half an hour. Now I have a ut account and one with Juno. I emailed my dad today, and he wrote back. Tonight I hope I do something fun. It is great having a roommate I have been friends with since the sixth grade. We both know when to study and when to have fun. We study every week night and try to go to bed as early as we can. She is in Architecture. She is going to be very busy with that. My sister did not go to college. My parents are moving to Austin in September. That will be convenient for when I want to see them. The window to our room is open right now and it feels great out. The tower is chiming and I am in a fantastic mood. Earlier, when I was in the elevator, the lights turned out for a second and it seemed as though the power was going to turn off. I gasped! I feel lucky to be able to come to college here to get an excellent education. I hope to have a job I love once I graduate and to be successful. Once I get my first job after college I plan on saving a lot of money and also investing. I think about my future a lot. I'm kind of a worrier. I've met some really nice people at the Castilian. A lot of the girls here just got finished rushing for their sororities. I didn't do that. I don't think I have time for it as well as how much money it becausets. I was surprised that two of my professors are women and the class I haven't gone to yet is also taught by a teacher. For some reason I felt that a lot of the professors were going to be males. I did not bring a car to school because the car I had was really old. We've had it since before I was born. It's a 1979 Toyota Corolla. I had a love/hate relationship with it. I loved it because I've known it forever. I hated it because it was so slow and had no radio. I had a yellow jam box in there so I could listen to tapes I made. It got really good gas mileage, though. A lot of people from my home town, Temple, go to school here. My roommate's older sister is a sophomore at UT and she stayed at the Castilian last year. We requested her room and got it. We face the tower. I forgot to take my vitamin today. I should do that before I go to dinner. I can't wait until I can have a dog. I love dogs. When I was in elementary and middle school I had a Yorkshire Terrier named Candi. She was the cutest little thing!!! My roommate had a really great mutt the whole time I knew her named Charlie. He had to be put to sleep. Her family got a new dog who is really stupid named Bailey. His parents names were (not joking) Terry Punky Panda and Cowboy Junkie Jow. This dog is literally the stupidest dog I've ever met. He doesn't understand when you don't want him near you. He's chewed up a lot of my roommates stuff at home. Both her mom and my dad work for the same company. Hopefully this coming summer I can get a job there doing something. I've had a job since I turned 16. Well, Got to Go. I'm going to eat dinner and take a shower for tonight. I am in a great mood!!!!! \", 'Well, this assignment is interesting. I don\\'t think I have ever attempted to write for 20 minutes straight. I wonder if I have ADHD or ADD or if its just because I am a drummer. Wow! I have only gone for a minute and I am already bored. Um. I was watching the Cowboy game and they won 20-17. Vinyl did well but threw an interception. I think he will be good this year as lond as he doesn\\'t get hurt. He has a good delivery and is really good at reading defenses. Speaking of defenses (I doubt this has any relation) but anyways I didn\\'t make the hockey team today and it was really disappointing. I really wanted to make it and thought that I had a decent chance. Maybe I gave myself too much credit. Maybe I am not big enough or something. I wish I could have made it but I suppose that one was up to the coach and God. Speaking of God (random again) I went to a really neat church last Sunday. Its name is Glad Tidings. It is an assembly of God Church (although I am Lutheran I think it might be a good match because it has really awesome worship and the pastor gives interesting sermons). I miss my old church though. My youth minister back home is getting ordained this weekend. I am unsure if I should go home this weekend. I don\\'t know. I think I will stay here because I really want to force myself to become independent even though that would entail me doing the laundry this weekend. I am really tired tonight but I suppose I will do my best to continue typing the entire 20 minutes. But along the thought of the laundry business. I have tried to hold off on doing it until next weekend (was going to do this weekend but I think I can make it until then). It has been really hot lately. It was brutal last Saturday trying to run in the morning. It was so humid. It eventually rained but not until after the practice. I have never been so sore in my life. I am still sore but I guess it doesn\\'t matter seeing as I am not going to be playing for the team. I suppose it is sort of a waste but maybe I will try and keep in shape. I don\\'t know though. We will see. Well I am half-way there. I am still tired and I am finding this assignment very boring and I suppose that would imply that my thoughts are boring. Kind of sad I suppose. I wish I weren\\'t so lonely tonight. Just me and the TV. A horrible invention it is. Ruins relationships and limits time for many individuals. But I suppose it helps many escape. I like to escape by playing video games. I think I might play one in a few minutes when I get done with this thing. But yaw. I really like my playstation and probably spend too much time on it but it is really fun and entertaining. I am still tired. Still tired but only about 7 minutes to go! Hurray! This makes me excited. I didn\\'t have an antecedent before the \"this\" nor did I there but that was because I quoted the previous mistake. I wonder who just walked by my room. It sounded like two girls. I wonder if there really is a girl out there for me. Probably. I hope so. One can only hope can\\'t one? It\\'s funny, I accidentally made a typo and said can\\'t none which if one thought about it logically would produce the same effect but if one thought about it from a Texas perspective it would have the opposite negative and depressing effect. I hope for the logical. I heard a Papa John\\'s commercial. I wonder how they can claim they have \"better ingredients, or better pizza?\" It is subjective I would think. There is another weather report on TV. I find it interesting that people watch weather reports as if they could do anything to alter them (I usually just go with the flow). The flow of the easy river I guess. It is 11 o\\'clock. Only a minute left. Here\\'s my chance to say something deep. I really can\\'t think of anything but live the Golden rule and you will find yourself a better person. Love is all you need as Paul said (the Beatle of course. Lol). That\\'s it! ', \" It seems as though long distance relationships are destined to fail. With the constant talk being seperated and only available for a short period everyday if even everyday I feel a million miles away from my boyfriend, Andrew. September 7th is our 2nd month anniversary and for his birthday he asked for a trip to New York to see the finals of the US Open, which is amazing and quite costly, it just seems that I would want to come see him if given the opportunity to go somewhere. LIfe just seems a bit unfair at times. College has completely thrown me off, my sleep, my eating habits and so on. Not that I don't absolutely love to be here in Austin away from Dallas, I mean im exactly where I want to be, in Austin the greatest city ever, well in Texas for sure, I am thrilled to be out of surburbia ahh, It just like i have wanted to escape from surburbia for such a long time and now that im gone, im lost. I pledged a sorority and am so excited that I will have the opportunity to know so many girls on such a close level but it just seems so hard to get to know them i guess . Its just a struggle that im not sure i will be able to be comfotable with anytime soon. Tonight i went out once again with old high school friends to the gym, its just easier to be close with those who you are already close with. At the gym i ran into EX boyfriend who i just knew i would never see again, he wants to go to dinner, ahhh i just can't see myself going through being near him but not with him. So after talking to him i ran back to my comfort zone, my friends, and we headed out, they told me they were going to a meeting for Texas girls rowing, i was bored and decided to tag along, thinking there is no way i could ever want to be a part of that. but once i was there i just loved it, it motivated me so much, just as much as joining the sorority did, i decided i should stick it out and just go for it. Tomorrow begins the condidtioning for it, i am so excited, its just like soccer tryouts for club soccer when i was in high school. Wow i can't believe that I might possibly be on the rowing team, i have always wanted to be that little girl in the front of the boat, and a girl on the team said I was small enough, well obviously i have never been tall, to be that girl. Oh i forgot the name for that position but nevertheless I am pumped, and slightly nervous that I might not be able to pump up the other 8 girls on the boat, i think that is how many. Everything seems to cost so much these days too, i wanted to go with my sorority gals to NEw Orleans for the Tulane game but i really don't know that i have $100 to just throw away on a weekend, not like i won't remember it forever, but it just seems so costly since i am spending my own money on it, New orleans would be such a blast though. Endorphines, i think thats how you spell it, are running through my body, I am so excited about conditioning tomorrow and we have a date dash and I am taking a best guy friend, and then two other parties this weekend, i am so excited about this weekend because i missed last weekend. My dad turned 50 wow, that makes me feel so old, i remember him turning 40 i was only 8 but it was such a big party i felt like he was so old then, its just weird that he can register for AARP, i think that is hilarious, and my brother is 21 so soon, in less than a week, im glad i got his card and some money sent off today, that took some stress away, my days just seem so filled these days, boyfriends never understand especially if it is long distance that sometimes i just can't talk, maybe one day ill be single again. not that i want that at all right now, i just hate distance, and i know im not going home soon, i need to get comfortable here and that isnt going to happen by me leaving every weekend. My roommate is the cutest thing ever, she couldn't be any sweeter, but she is going home for the second weekend in a row, i can't wait to take her to a frat party with me, she needs to let go and show her wild side, im really excited about that. Is is bad to want to take friends with me who aren't in my sorority to frat parties, i just like to bring my comfort with me, maybe ill try and go with some sorority sisters some time, i don't really know much about the sorority im curious to find out about it, but i don't want learning about it to seem like a class, i want it to be fun and im really not wanting to take quizzes about it that does not at all sound fun. I wonder why the bums on the drag don't go somewhere else, but imagine all the different types of people they see a day, it just seems so hectic, maybe they need to feel busy and watching others in a hurry makes them feel that. maybe i shouldn't have senior pics of my friends up, i just miss em, and don't really have any new pics, my best friend at A&M , bad choice, is havin fun i think , i really hated it when i went to visit her for her 18th b-day, all the buildings are ugly, and the town is simply dead, i really think i made the right choice \", \"Well this really pisses me off. I write you assignment to send to you but I get no connection. So I save it and try to do send it again. It got lost, even worse I have to do this again just turn this stupid thing in. For something I have already did, this really pissed me off. So to make sure you get this thing I'm thinking about emailing this to you. And to think I actually did truly analyze myself for this project, tell you my true feelings and you don't even get to see it. This is what is really going in my sub- consciousness. You well probably are not going to get a memo like this class. Too bad, I really had a great paper or memo you could have really thought about. It was about time, and since I have to do this the Second TIME, it's even hardier to write about. Speaking of time I have about 5 minutes left so here it goes. I feel that time is one of the most under-rated things in this world today. Just look at me I'm writing this memo for the second time today and have to do the other one tomorrow. Now that was a lot of stress for just one day. Still I accomplish more things under pressure, I think that is what I'm best at. Well it is time for me to depart, so I hope I well learned something in your class. Man, this really is stress releasing. \", 'Well, it\\'s becoming quite obvious to me now that the homework is beginning to pile on, but I\\'m perfectly okay with that because of all the stuff I went through last year in school. I did one of these for my psy class in high school and I remember some of the stuff I wrote about was quite funny, but hey, it\\'s a stream of conscience. I actually love doing these kinds of things because for the majority of the time, the way we think is a stream, and it\\'s never-ending. I really want to play tennis sometime soon, but today I just don\\'t have the energy. I wonder when I\\'m going to get physically ill from staying up so late every night, and changing my habits a great deal. I\\'m getting quite used to the college way of life now. It\\'s rather scary that I\\'m becoming more and more comfortable with calling my Jester dorm \"home\". I definitely miss my bed in my real home. I wonder what else I have to do tonight. I love having all the assignments, tests, papers, quizzes, etc. ahead of time so I can plan ahead and not be able to blame my teacher if I forget something. This is really good for typing practice. I love my schedule, yeah tomorrow\\'s a terrible day for classes, but aren\\'t all Mondays terrible. I can\\'t believe my hand is cramping up already. That has got to be a bad sign. Sometimes I really am not sure if I\\'d want people to know my stream of conscience. At times it can make people sound very stupid, like now. I\\'m very excited I received a call from Jeff tonight, he\\'s such a great friend and I haven\\'t seen him or talked to him since I left Albuquerque. That\\'s a terrible word to spell, but hey, living there my whole life I should be able to do it in my sleep. Oh, sleep, that sounds like a great idea. I am way too tired to do anything, but that\\'s when I need to force myself, and just get into a studying groove. I\\'m really not looking forward to the noisy people that will be hanging out below my window tonight, playing guitar, singing, talking loudly, until early hours of the morning. Then I\\'ll have to call down to the Jester desk again and complain. They must hate me by now. I wonder when I follow up for the psy experiments. My roommate has way too much stuff around her desk, but she lets me use her computer, so it\\'s a fair trade. I love typing, although crazy as it may sound, I do. I am just itching all over. I want to go outside, but I really don\\'t feel like leaving the comfort of my room and face the people of Jester. I am terribly blind with out my glasses or contacts. I really need to call in my contact prescription tomorrow, so I can actually see. I feel that I\\'ve been more tired lately because I haven\\'t had my contacts, and I\\'m self conscious about my glasses, so it\\'s quite a strain on my eyes, and as a result, I am more tired. I just lost complete track of my thoughts. Oh well, must start on a new track, I mean isn\\'t that the purpose of the exercise. Speaking of exercise, I really want to get out and run a few laps, I know that it would help in being so tired. I\\'m tired of the Jester food, I\\'ve been living off of bagels, not from Jester. My roommate just came in and told me something that changed my thought pattern and now I\\'m concerned with the issue of how guys talk about girls, and how they treat girls. The whole issue is a problem of some sort in everyone\\'s life, I just wish I didn\\'t have to deal with it. I am quite addicted to diet cokes and diet drinks in all, I think I have a serious problem, yet I live for it. I feel like one right now. Boy do I need to do laundry. It just keeps piling up, of course the one day I finally decide to do it, everyone else has the same idea. I can\\'t wait to go through the dorm experience, and then move on into an apartment and have things of my own. I wonder if I will have an apartment next year, and I wonder who would be my roomie(s) then, if any. ', \" The first thing that comes to mind is that when I do these things I don't know what to write. I just sit trying to think of things to write. This to me is like one of those awkward situations like when you are with someone you don't know and have to make small talk. This is like tring to think of something to say to that person the only thing is, is that your the only person here trying to think of something to say to the computer. Another thought popped into my head and that is that I don't know what to do in my speech class. I have to give an interview to someone and be interviewed by someone and I have no idea on what I want to do with that. I had an idea and the professor was going down the list of names asking us what we were going to do ours on and I had an idea and the girl before me took my idea so now I am left here with no thoughts on what to do in this situation. I will just have to go on and think of something else to do on this project, athough I am not to really worried about it. I wonder if while doing this writing experiment that the reader ever takes into consideration that some people might have periods where they just don't think about basicly anything. That they are just in a daze where no clear thought comes into their mind and they have absolutely nothing to talk about. I was just wandering. Now a song that I hate has just come on that I heard for the first time while I was visiting for the first time that part the family that you don't talk about because they are imberasing. I don't think I spelled that word right, but anyway it was in Arkansas and I don't plan on ever going back there again. Now another song I hate has come on but I am in a delimma because of this contineous writing thing I can move my fingers to change the station. I now looked up at the clock seeing that I only have three minutes left and this is not as hard as I thought it was going to be, but my essay has been pretty boring because I am tired and had nothing to talk about. The reason I am so tired is because I have an eighto o' clock clase everyday and it really, really sucks. Well, I only have 2 seconds left and actually I would like to talk for a longer period of time but I guess I will talk to myself on paper where you can read at a later time, bye. \", \"Well, here I am writing continuously for twenty minutes. The weird thing is that this keyboard is laid out differently than the one I have back home so it makes typing really difficult. Not to mention the fact that yesterday I got a cut on my finger and hitting the I button tends to hurt a little bit. I am a little concerned about coming to the end of this line but apparently it will automatically wrap my words for me. I am going on a trip to the beach tomorrow. Well at least that's the plan. We don't have anywhere to stay not to mention any food. Oh well, it hopefully will be a lot of fun. I am sitting at Mac 9. I wish they had IBM's in here. That would make my life a little easier. The computer in my room crashed and I can do absolutely nothing on it right now. It's weird I have been writing for about five minutes and I am only on my third line. Well I guess that's what long lines will do to you. There were really long lines at the student computer center the other day. MY roommate was such an angel and stood in line for me when I went to class. A girl just walked in to the computer room with headphones on. I think that is a little weird. I guess she likes to listen to music and type at the same time. I guess you can do laser copies in here. I will have to remember that. I went out for coffee last night with my roommate and his girlfriend. It was a lot of fun and I got checked out by someone really cute. I wonder if this computer lady will help me figure out my e-mail in a little bit. Last time I asked she dismissed me very quickly. That shirt reminds me of McDonald's. The one a guy walked in here wearing. I really wonder what you are going to learn from me by reading this. Probably that I am very random, (all my friends tell me that) They also tell me I am a crack head. I'm not really, it's just an expression they use for me because I am so random and jump from subject to subject. Don't you think it's weird that we still write stop on stop signs. We could probably save a TON of paint if we didn't and besides who doesn't know that a red octagon means stop. That sounds like a really bad commercial. I have to go to class at 1:00. I feel weird telling people that I am going to Acting class. I feel very pretentious. I really think I am going to like the class though. I have been in theatre since fourth grade I just completely lost my train of thought. It got derailed you could say. I wonder what derailed it? Oh well, I guess that's what you are trying to figure out from me writing this. Life imitates art. I miss Ronnie Geva. Not really, but she is someone whom I am supposed to miss. I really miss Amanda. She is one of my best friends in the world. I called her the other night and when I heard her voice I could do nothing but cry. The computer lady walked by. Apparently she chooses whom she likes to help and who she doesn't. I never know when to use who and whom. I think I am going to save this really quick so that I won't accidentally lose it. Wait never mind that would lose my train of thought. I think it would at least. I really wish I could read some of the other students stream of consciousness papers. I want to see how similar they are to me. Maybe they aren't similar at all and I am the weirdo in the group. That's what my sister would like to have me believe. She pretends that she doesn't miss me but I know she does. I wonder how this whole e-mail thing is going to work. I can't wait to e-mail my dad and Amanda. I would e-mail my mom too but I don't know her school e-mail name. It's scary how many e-mail accounts my family has, I think the grand total is eight. Maybe nine. I don't know if my sister has one at school or not. It depends which class she is in. Nine accounts and four people. There are way to many ways to reach us. This is an odd power PC. This computer contains the fonts necessary for the software packages Plato and Socrates. I wonder what those are. Probably some English programs or something. At least that's what the name implies. El tiburon means shark in Spanish. I think there is an accent but I am not so sure. Fireworks are really cool. My mom and I love to go sit under them and feel the booms. A couple of years ago there was a grass fire near where we were sitting. It was kind of exciting. Not something like rescue 911 but still it was interesting for us. I hope you find this interesting and not just some drivel about me. Drivel is such a fun word. It reminds me of dribble. Well, I have to jet. I hope I didn't write for too long but It is fun getting your thoughts out on paper. Like I am doing now, Auggghhhh the insanity. Or sanity, however you want to see it I guess. \", 'Today has seriously been the longest day ever and guess what? It\\'s only the 4th day of classes. that\\'s a horrible thing to think about. I stepped off of the 7th floor elevator at Jester and was once again overcome by that odor of hamster cage. It\\'s awful. I\\'ve been on some other floors and it doesn\\'t smell like that. I wonder if it\\'s the carpet or something, but obviously nobody cares enough about it to fix it, so that\\'s cool I guess. I got a sign on my door that says they are going to paint all the doors starting tomorrow. I\\'m totally sure that its going to smell so much better on this floor after that. yeah right. This oatmeal cream pie is great, I\\'m so hungry because I haven\\'t eaten all day yet, and all my professors successfully fried my brain. I hate when I don\\'t know everything. well I don\\'t mean everything because nobody knows everything, but more like. I hate when I can\\'t understand something right away, probably because I know that means I have to spend extra time learning it later on and that\\'s never any fun. I swear that when I used to eat these oatmeal cream pies they were bigger, so maybe the manufacturer downsized the product or something. I wouldn\\'t be surprised, or maybe now I\\'m just so much bigger than the cookie itself, instead of when I used to eat them years ago. Who knows? or actually who cares. Kate just called me and she\\'s not going to eat until later, so guess that means I\\'m going to the chem. review at 5. It\\'ll probably be really good for me so I shouldn\\'t complain, but complaining is so fun, yet so annoying all at the same time. I can\\'t believe that I\\'m actually excited about going home this weekend, not for long, but I kind of feel like I\\'m missing out on so much in San Antonio, even though I\\'m not. I can\\'t wait to get some good Mexican food. it\\'s been too long. What a horrible affect working at a Mexican restaurant all summer had on me. Oh well. The football game this weekend should be extremely awesome !! I\\'m so excited, my first UT football games as a STUDENT in the STUDENT section. ha-ha. and actually I think my 3rd or 4th game ever to see, how cool. I saw something on Austin\\'s news talking about ordering the games on PPV. that\\'s crazy. I really hope that doesn\\'t mean that here in town all the games are blacked out and I can\\'t watch them. like the away games for example. That\\'d be so cool if I could get tickets to the OU game. I hear that there\\'s nothing like it, and I\\'m sure that\\'s true. but you have to get pretty lucky and then you have to pay 85 bucks. and assuming that you get all that taken care of. you kind of have to make sure you know at least someone else going, meaning that they have to get through that whole process as well, pretty crazy, but I guess if all else fails I can order ir PPV for 40 bucks. yeah right, that game better be on ABC or something. I actually called Kenny today, after my first Biology class. he didn\\'t answer, hopefully it was because he was in class. I don\\'t know why but for some reason I really feel like he doesn\\'t like me the way he did before I went down to San Antonio this past weekend. it\\'s cool I guess. since I\\'m here and he\\'s there, but I don\\'t know. I wish that we wouldn\\'t of met, so that I wouldn\\'t have to deal with it. But then again I don\\'t wish that because he\\'s a cool guy. so much like me though, it\\'s kind of scary. I wish that I could be the only one playing games and he would just profess his like for me everyday, but then again. if he did that I wouldn\\'t like him, since it\\'s all about the chase. crazy how those things work out. he\\'s been exceptionally mean though. well just yesterday, but like he says it\\'s his way of flirting, but ha-ha whatever. I like that boy. dang I just admitted it. I don\\'t like him actually. I just don\\'t know. I definitely don\\'t think we\\'re each others types though. he belongs around a much more rowdy \"Karla\" type and he might just be a little too crazy for me. Sounds like a challenge. I\\'m pretty hungry for like some real food, I guess I\\'ll go down to JCL in a little bit and find something, that cinnamon toast crunch and oatmeal cream pie just didn\\'t do it for me. and I\\'m exceptionally tired too. I ended up being 5 minutes late to my calculus discussion this morning, and I don\\'t think it even helped me that much since I barely got a B on the homework. Man, I miss high school math classes. Everything was definitely explained SO much better, so yeah needless to say I\\'m pretty freaked out about that, I\\'m actually freaked out about all my classes. Oh well. ', 'I am so tired. I cannot wait to go home tomorrow and sleep in my own bed. I really didn\\'t think I would miss home that much, but apparently I do. Seriously, I cannot wait to go in the car and drive back to Kingwood. But it\\'s not like I am homesick. Well, actually I guess I am homesick, but it\\'s not for my family. To be quite honest, everytime I talk to my mother, she annoys me. But what I do miss is my bed. Not the house, because we don\\'t\\' live in the house anymore. NO, we have to move two months before I leave for college. What were my parents thinking??? Obviously they weren\\'t. But I do miss Garden Point. I really want to go back to MY room. But, now I have no room. Honestly, I do not consider my dorm room MY room. Thinking of, I definitely need to bring back some more stuff. Pictures and frames - stuff like that. My room mate brought so much crap. It makes my side of the room look so bare. But at the same time, I DID bring a lot of stuff. Anyways, this weekend. My date with Hal. I really don\\'t want to go at all. I know that I completley led him on. I mean I could have told him that I was joking, but I didn\\'t. I basically told him that I liked him. BUT HAROLD PITMAN! - UGH! I still sound like I am totally in highschool. I know that in college you are supposed to throw away all your passt conceptions of people, but how can I do that about the guy who teased me for like 3 years. How many times can you say, \"But Mr. Blayney, I\\'m only eleven?\" and think it to be funny. I swear in seventh grade I could have shot him and Ryan Ochoa. Ryan Ochoa is another boy, who I would never ever date. When he got to be such a heart throb in high school is beyond me. But then again, I never ever thought that I would have a crush on Cyrus. I am such a hypocrit. The amount of time I was telling Gio, not to like him and not to go for him. But then again, Gio and Cyrus would not have lasted anyways. Gio is so prude, Cyrus would have either dumbed her or cheated on her pretty quickly. Gosh, I really hope that this assginment is completion, or else you will think that I am a really shallow and superficial person. Not to meniton judgemental. But actually what can you expect coming from Kingwood High School - thrid snobbiest school in the nation??? I seriously had fun at high school, but it definitley was a different type of fun than the type of fun I\\'m having now. I mean in high school I hardly ever drank really, until my senior year. But even then it wasn\\'t EVERY weekend like I do now. I mean, we used to do stupid stuff like go to the airport and play airport tag, wrap or in the case of Dawn \"condimenting\" houses. But now, it\\'s frat parties every weekend. Not that I am complaining, because I am hanging out with Brandon - what a hottie. But he is so rude. and Kimberly - honestly, I havent\\' talked to her since 7th grade. It is so wierd how people who were so close are now so far appart. But anyways, maybe the frat parties and the drinking is what is making me so tired, because I am pretty sure that I had less sleep that I am having now in highschool. Is this even stream of consciousness??? I ended up talkign about the same thing I began with, but I guess it is because I did go off on several tangents. But oh well - time\\'s up! ', \"I have finally made it to college. I miss my family and friends but at the same time I am proud and happy with the changes that have come as a part of college life. It's is something new. I feel confident that I will succeed here at UT, but most importantly, I want to succeed. I am excited about all of my classes and look forward to gaining the knowledge that each professor has to offer. I sometimes worry about finding my special little niche here where there are so many students. However, each day I feel a little more comfortable with myself and the university. Above all I find myself missing someone back home who I have only known a short time the most. He is a wonderful person with whom I have this extraordinary mental connection. Being away from him has made me think more in detail about how the human mind and the concept of relationships depend heavily upon one another. It makes me wonder what abstract thought can make a person be able to relate everything they see and do someway to another person. I am positive that it is not an obsession but it is something stronger than just a casual feeling. Well I guess I will just have to continue to ponder about the whole situation. \", \"I am tired today. I should have gone to bed earlier. I need to study. How much do I need to read for my classes to get A's in them? I have to do my economics homework today. I miss home I miss my family. I have never been away from home for this long. I won't get to see my parents till parents weekend but that will be really nice. I have a fraternity meeting at 6:30. I can't wait until the next football game, the game this past weekend was awesome. I need to wear a hat at the next game cause I got a bad sunburn last weekend. My face hurts from the sunburn still. I wonder when our next fraternity mixer will be. A picture reminds me of my Europe trip last summer. It was one of the best experiences I have ever had. I have a paranoid feeling that I am not doing enough work or studying, that I am neglecting something. I hate doing laundry, I have already had to do it twice since I've been in Austin. It hasn't rained since I've been here, I wonder when it will rain. I hate the heat and humidity in Austin. I can't wait till it cools down and turns into fall. The girl in my business administration class yesterday was very pretty, maybe I can go on a date with her sometime this semester. Viacom merged with CBS, maybe CBS won't be such a lousy network anymore. I need to eat lunch soon. I hope I am doing this assignment right. I hope I will have time to study tonight, I need colored pencils to finish my economics assignment, maybe my roommate has some. \", \"Ok, I'm doing this stream of consciousness thing. MTV is on in the background, and I'm remembering when I went to see them in concert at Jamboree in Tinley Park ,IL. Everyone thinks I'm crazy because I came from IL all the way to Texas. I don't feel crazy though. I wanted a change and I really love it down here. I wonder what Taveau is doing right now. She isn't answering my e-mail. Ok, it's only been a day , I'm just being impatient. Anyway, I wonder why she doesn't go by Taveau. I like it a whole lot better than Melanie. And I seriously wonder if she's straight or not. I just want to come right out and ask her, but that's not really something you want to ask someone you just established contact with. I hate Hanson. They're such one hit wonders. And the one hit is called MMMMMBop. How incredibly stupid is that? They're like a younger , related New Kids. Speaking of New Kids, how about Spice Girls? There's another total lack of talent engineered for success. It's sad when losers like that are valued in our popular culture. What's a great idea? That commercial just said something was a great idea. I know what a great idea would be: if I would start to do my Calculus homework. Sometimes I wonder if I actually want to pass that class. I wonder what I could do to welcome Daniela-my roommate-back home after this weekend. God, she's so stuck on her boyfriend. I guess that 's pretty typical for our age group, but still. I don't know, I guess I just don't understand that level of dependence. Then again I moved from Joliet, IL to Austin, TX with exactly eight minutes of crying. I wonder if that makes me psycho or just morbid or something. Chris Rock is so funny. I love this commercial. Whoever had the idea of having Chris Rock in imitation videos for promos needs to get an award. God, I hope Jewel doesn't come on . That one song makes me so incredibly homesick for my friends. I do miss them , but I don't really miss my parents all that much . Daniela is always telling me how cold that is , but I can't help it, it's not intentional, it's just how I feel. Ok, Jewel did come on, but at least it was just YOU WERE MEANT FOR ME, OOPS I just hit the tab key and scrolled way down to the bottom. I'm so dumb with computers, I swear. I know so much less about them than all the people around me. I'm confident I'll learn, but I just wish we would've had that experience prior to college. Daniela's talking about that one snoopy girl in her Plan 2 group. She's really screwy. She doesn't even know if her computer is a PC or a Mac. I guess I'm one up on her. hey, how much longer am I supposed to write? only a couple more minutes. Oh well. Jamiroquai's on now. I saw him in concert too. Oh, that just made me a little sad. We all went to that concert about two weeks before we graduated, and we all sang FRESHMEN together, and , I don't know. I feel like I'm babbling, but I guess that's pretty much the whole point. I remember Dr. Pennebaker telling us not to worry, some one would eventually read these. Well, I don't really care if anyone reads this or not. I 'm not really saying much of anything. I don't even feel like I'm saying anything important. I wonder if I should have put on that survey thing that I was bisexual. Not only is that non-confidential, but they may not want me because I could upset the demographics of their study. Oh well, I'll let them deal with that. Time's up. I hope this was at least somewhat interesting to whoever got condemned to read this. \", 'I need to write this paper for psychology to get a good grade in the class. This assignment is much easier than some of the other assignments I have gotten in my other classes. But, then again, my other classes aren\\'t necessarily hard. I mean, in History of Rock Music, I have to go see a concert and report on it. How cool is that?! I wish I could go to a Coldplay concert. I would love to go to a COldplay concert. I like their music. I like the Beatles too. I\\'m listening to a Beatles song right now. I believe Paul wrote Michelle\". I went to the Paul McCartney concert last October. It was totally amazing. I wish I could go again. I saved my ticket stub and put it in a box that I store all the important little trinkets I want to keep. I put all my concert tickets in there. I really need good grades in order to get into the RTF school. I really want to become a film maker. I would love to become the next Jerry Bruckheimer. Producing seems really cool, but really hard. I would love to direct, but directing seems like one of the most impossible jobs to do successfully. I would love to one day be a well known and respected film maker. I love old films. Last Sunday, the State theater on Congress showed Gone With the Wind. I went to the movie instead of the UT football game. I don\\'t like football as much as I like old movies. It was so worth it. To see one of my favorite movies of all time on the big screen was amazing. I walked to the theater, and I decided to take the bus back. Only, I was not aware that the busses have different route on game days. I got on the number 7 bus and ended up around Highland Mall. It turned out okay though, because the bus circles the mall and comes back towards campus. I got off the bus on Dean Keaton street and had to walk back to my dorm in Jester in the rain. The movie was still worth it. Dean Keaton. That\\'s also the name of the main character in the movie: The Usual Suspects. That is a good movie. For the longest time, I hadn\\'t seen it, but then my brother kept telling me that I shouldn\\'t see it because it is excellent. Well, during move-in a couple of weeks ago, when everybody was in a frenzy, I just hung out for a couple of days at my brother\\'s house. While there, I got a chance to see The Usual Suspects. What a great film. The ending was amazing, even though someone had already told me how it ended. I was surprised all the same. AH! People keep instant messaging me while I am trying to do this essay. I\\'m going to put up an away message so they will leave me alone for a while. My mother called me this afternoon to tell me that the product I ordered online came in the mail. I need to go pick it up. It was my first order on eBay. A friend of mine and I really like David Beckham, so I found some England National team jerseys with his name on the back online for only $10 a piece. We have been waiting about 2 weeks for them to come in the mail, but I guess that isn\\'t that long considering they were being shipped from Thailand. I hope they are in good condition. I mean, for $10, one would assume they are in total disarray. I hope not. I really want a Beckham jersey. Wow, I am really writing about absolutely nothing. This assignment is awesome! Now I\\'m listening to a Dave Matthews Band song. \"The Song That Jane Likes\". I just started liking DMB only about 2 years ago. My best friend idolizes them and plays all their songs on his guitar. Gabe is an awesome guitar player. I wish he was with me here at UT. I really miss him. He is back at home, while everyone else we know moved on to college. I feel bad for him. I wish he would move to Austin with me. He works at Starbucks and is trying to raise enough money for him to go to school. I love Starbucks. I used to always get a caramel macchiato, but now I really like Irish cream cafe mochas. Those are very good. I have not really had any time to go to Starbucks. There\\'s one in the bottom floor of Jester Center, but its just not the same as an actual cafe house. Gabe and I would regularly hang out at the Starbucks by us for hours on end. We would talk or play cards or chess. I really miss that. Its okay though, he is coming to visit soon, and I will be going home for his birthday in a couple of weeks. It should be fun. I\\'m really excited about that. ', 'I don\\'t have to right in paragraph form or write any sentence structures or even spell right. I don\\'t have to put any grammar or punctuation on this assignment and I can talk about anything. I don\\'t understand what the point of this assignment is and I don\\'t care as long as I finish it. So I guess I\\'ll just keep typing and typing and typing. Right now, I feel an itch so I\\'ll scratch my arm. I\\'m typing on my friends computer, so he can\\'t use it for at least another seventeen minutes. I don\\'t think understand the point of this assignment. I could do this: and nobody would care. This assignment is just to type for twenty minutes about whatever I think and I keep thinking this over and over again. I don\\'t know what I\\'m doing and I don\\'t care as long as I finish. I started at 2:28p. M so I\\'ll stop at 2:48p. M. Man it\\'s another fifteen minutes until I finish. I\\'m tired and I want to go back to sleep. I need to do my laundry, clean the bathroom, do my homework. That reminds me I have so much homework to do. I don\\'t understand anything in calculus and I\\'m worried about that class. My final is fifty percent of my grade!!!! I don\\'t understand why some teachers would do that. It\\'s like the semester grade depends on this one test. If you were making an A in the class, before the final, you could end up failing if you really screw up on the final. What kind of class is that??? I don\\'t know but I\\'m scared. I have to study hard for that final, but first I have to understand the material we\\'re covering right now. I\\'m so behind. But the good thing about the final is that it\\'s my only final and I have a week to study for it so I should do O. K. I hope I get a B in this class. I don\\'t want to do any homework, and that reminds me that I\\'m behind in all of my classes!!!! I have to read so much and I don\\'t like to read. I think I\\'m going crazy. I need to write this assignment do the second writing assignment, read for Theatre, do Calculus homework, read for this class, do a peer review sheet for English, and chores around the house. So much to do, so little time. Only 9 more minutes to go. Oh, and the pretest survey to see what surveys I will be used in, was messed up. I didn\\'t start reading the top of the survey which tells you what answers to fill in until the middle. So I think the survey thinks I\\'m a girl, since I answered some FEMALE ONLY questions. Except I checked the male box when it asked whether I was male or female. But it kept on asking me questions that were very feminine. I hope I don\\'t get in trouble for that. But I doubt it, since there will probably be other people who will do the exact same thing I did. There\\'s always somebody else. I hope I don\\'t get put into some strange category or something. What I didn\\'t understand about the survey was that why did it ask some of the same questions over again. I think it had to do something with me answering FEMALE ONLY questions. I don\\'t know if that\\'s why but I answered most all of them except this one question that asked if I was more guilty about eating than most girls. I was like: \"Hold up, what\\'s going on? This survey thinks I\\'m a girl!\" Damn, well whatever it\\'s O. K. everybody makes mistakes and I\\'m not going to come down on myself because of that. My friends staring at my assignment right now and saying this is an easy assignment. Well I guess it is, it\\'s just that my fingers are tired. I don\\'t want to type anymore, and I have 2 more minutes left. Yippee!!!! After this I\\'m going to take a break and then do writing assignment number 2. After I finish that I\\'ll take a nap and start on Calculus. Oh man, so much work to do!!! I should have started earlier instead of playing these first few weeks of school. Well my time\\'s up. So goodbye!!! ', \"Towers seemed to have gotten an illness that spread very quickly last week. Only difference is everyone felt like crap for a day maybe two, I was sick for four. However, I'm feeling better so perhaps tomorrow is my last day. My mother brought some Echinacea- it's an herb that supposedly helps during the cold and flu season. I pray it does the trick. I am extremely excited about this upcoming weekend. I get to go home- Houston. Isn't that strange? You're supposed to go to college and never want to leave; here I am jumping up and down at the very thought of home. Unfortunately, the University of Texas at Austin doesn't fit like I thought it would. The university itself is awesome. My professors all seem great and the classes are interesting. The main problem exists at home- University Towers room 301. I typically refuse to stereotype- but I'll make an exception. Most people here are self-absorbed, fake, rich kids. I care more about people and their life experiences. They care more about what you drive or what your father does for a living. Oh well, at least I'm not in this alone. One of my best friends from Houston isn't content here either, except she is at ACC. My roommate, Sharon, is really sweet. (I went pot luck). She lived in Houston most her life but her dad got transferred to Holland, so she moved as well. I love hearing stories about the differences. She went to an American school so it's not like she learned Dutch, but still the opportunity was once in a lifetime. My parents moved to Rio de Janeiro, Brazil only a month ago. I was able to visit for a week early this summer and sure enough It Was Beautiful. My dad works for Houston Industries and was offered a promotion, salary increase, housing/driver paid, among other things to work in Rio. So they went to check it out and discovered it would be worth it. That's crazy to me. They are 54 years old and completely changing cultures, countries, etc. In a way I'm thrilled for them. Yet, my sadness that they're 10 hours away overcomes that. It's not all a sad story though. I have a gorgeous place to visit for Christmas vacation (there it will be spring I think) and my parents and I are going through life changes at the same time. Also, my house will still be there; my oldest brother and his wife are moving in. So I have my oh, so comfortable bed to retreat to at Thanksgiving. This is strange to me. a writing assignment that doesn't require revising and outline and spell check. Actually I like it more because I feel like I'm talking to someone. I'd much rather talk than write. English is my least favorite/worst subject. I do well in math but I don't like it. History is okay, depending if the teacher makes it exciting. Science is the best. if I weren't so crazy about dance and teaching I'd become a chemical engineer. But I believe I'd get bored of that job real quick. Well, times up. I'll sign off and go study. \", 'The first sensation I feel while beginning writing is the hard carpet of the dorms at dobie on my elbows because I\\'m lying on the ground with my laptop, but then again, at least the floors aren\\'t wooden like the floors at the other dorms, so I really shouldn\\'t be complaining. Also, my eyes are burning because I\\'m tired and want to go to sleep, I sleep a lot less in college because during the day there\\'s constant noise and people and it\\'s so much more fun to walk out in the hallway or go to the lobby and talk to people and see what\\'s going on than to sit in my room and study, and since I don\\'t study and do homework during the day I do it late at night when there are no distractions. If I stayed at Jester, I\\'d go to the library to get work done but I\\'m too lazy to walk from dobie to jester. This assignment is pretty easy and a whole lot better than sitting and doing my calculus homework which I have yet to do but I just looked at the clock on my laptop and it\\'s only been 2 minutes since I\\'ve started and 30 seconds was when I got up to get a pillow to put under my elbows. My eyes are tearing now I don\\'t know if tearing is a word, but they\\'re getting watery from staring at this computer screen too long. I\\'m supposed to continue writing for 20 minutes straight and say what\\'s on my mind and what I feel?? What if all I can think about is how I wish I was in bed, I think it\\'s the music I\\'m listening to that\\'s putting me to sleep. It\\'s trance music, because that\\'s what I have downloaded on my computer from Napster, I hope they don\\'t shut down napster. The courts are right about how the people who actually made the music (my roommate just called, I got all excited that my phone rang this late at night, I\\'m not a nerd, it\\'s just that, I think it\\'s this guy I know in okok back to napster) the people who make the music don\\'t get their share and I understand and Napster really should be shut down but I don\\'t want it to because it\\'s so nice to just type in the name of a song and there you have it, especially when they\\'re old songs you haven\\'t heard for a while. I love music, all kinds of music, it\\'s the coolest feeling when a song brings back memories, or reminds you of people and events. It\\'s 12:30 and I have to stop at 12:42, I hope I\\'m doing this assignment right because it\\'s too fun,, it\\'s kind of like a diary, maybe this could be our final??? Does the professor even read these essays that people write because I can\\'t imagine reading 500 something essays about absolutely nothing even though those are the best kind, kind of like seinfeld a show about nothing that everybody loves. The music I\\'m listening to makes me think of illegal drugs, this is the kind of stuff people listen to when they\\'re on ecstasy, it enhances the experience, I wonder why people need other things to have fun I understand it, but the world would be a better place if all the drugs were wiped off the face of the earth, but if that was going to happen, you might as well get rid of alcohol too, and nicotine and sugar and caffeine or anything that alters the mind, which is just ridiculous. Everything\\'s here for a reason, I don\\'t understand how people first invented and figured out stuff about drugs, I understand it when they grow out of the ground but stuff like pills, how were they invented did someone just put a lot of stuff together and try it and they found a combination that worked??? I\\'m scared for my younger sister, she\\'s in the 5th grade, and there\\'s so much going on now, with drugs and all, it\\'s everywhere you go, and when she\\'s my age, it will probably be so much worse, and so readily available, and curiosity is such a crazy thing, and no matter your willpower no matter what people always told you, you still want to try, and all the things we learn in elementary school about what to do and what not to do I think they bring in the whole forbidden fruit issue. I remember in 8th grade thinking \"How can something be so powerful that it can make you do things you never would, and make you steal from friends, and make you feel so good that you would do anything to get it. I would try it, just once. \" I can just imagine my little sister thinking like that. And you can\\'t even shelter anyone anymore, because it\\'s everywhere. You can\\'t take her out of one school and put her in another, because it\\'ll still be there, rich school or poor, minority or strictly white. It scares me to think about our generation in 50 years, because I can just see the damaged brains and the lung cancer and cirrhosis of the liver. Yuck I\\'m not even tired anymore because thinking about stuff like this gets me excited and ready to argue with someone. My twenty minutes are almost up and I could talk forever about what\\'s on my mind, I always think about a lot of things which isn\\'t really good because I can never fall asleep Ok that\\'s 20, time for calculus ', \"Well what do I want to say I guess I should start by being pissed off that the girl I'm dating didn't call me last night after she said she would. we aren't committed or anything it just aggravates me when someone goes back on their word. well my brother's in town for the first time to see me we went to a good party last night, actually it was totally lame and it sucked that it was his first u. t. party. tonight will be so much better though cause the party tonight will be cool. phi Kappa Psi is where it's at. right now notre dame is barely beating purdue even though it's a two point game n. d. should run away. college has been cool so far and I like the fact that I automatically get credit for this assignment by just writing my thought down. that's pretty cool. my hardest class is my calculus class it's totally reeming me. i've never had a tutor before but he's my new best friend now. damn it's hot in here. the cafeteria should open right about now. i hope they have good food today lately they've be lacking the good food department. my roomate just doesn't understand. I really do believe he and I are do a good fist fight before it's all over. actually it won't be a good fight because I'll kill him. he's so loud and thinks that just because we're roommates we're automatically buddies for life. i think we could be friends maybe even good friends if he could. we'll how I don't know cause he gets on my nerves so much. oh well we're two different people from two different background. kid rock is awesome. especially on the mtv video awards. it's really hard to writes and sing at the same time. but I guess I can do that considering the fact that there aren't any wrong answers and I can write anything. i don't really miss home that much. maybe my family a little but austin is so cool. i just hope I can keep my grades up so I can stay in the fraternity. and I hope I have enough money to pay for all the dues. well my time is almost up and I hungry as can be so I guess I'll go now. ? \", \"As I sit in this room, in this computer lab, I hear all the different sounds around me. The computer is humming and somebody is opening a pack of some type of food. I also can't help but notice that this keyboard clicks loudly as I type. I've never tracked my thoughts before and this is actually kind of fun. My eyes are feeling very small because more than anything, I would love to take a nap. This day was pretty long. I hope this weekend is extra long and productive for me. I'm feeling so tired! I would love to just get up under my comforter and stuff my three pillows in the corner and chill out. I don't believe how small my eyes are feeling right now. I know when I go back to my dorm room though my room mate is going to beg me to go to dinner with her but I ate way too much today and I am not in the least bit hungry. Not to mention that the food smells kind of nasty. I wish I was home at these moments to eat some real food, but it's nice to be away from home also. I hope that my boyfriend will come and visit me this weekend. It would be great to see him again though it really hurts when he leaves. Seeing him makes me miss him more but I guess I should enjoy our time together. I wish he went to this school or at least lived in Austin then we wouldn't have this long distance problem. He seems to think it is ok and the distance factor is not of any importance to him. I don't believe him when he says that. I wonder if he is as committed as he says he is. I am pretty sure he is especially after all that we have been through. I hope we can make it for the next few years but who knows what will happen? I wonder what will happen with us since long distance relationships are not supposed to last long. I think I'd be the one to influence that stereotype the most because I'm the one in a college setting and he's in the same environment in which we established ourselves. I do love him though. It'd be nice to be in my room talking to him and laying on my bed. dosing off and falling asleep. Tonight is Thursday night. This is a good night because I have no obligations to do any homework for this night other than this. I should have done this assignment earlier but of course I always wait for the last minute. But technically this isn't the last minute because its not Friday yet, and it is early evening. Tonight I want to do nothing but relax! I hope I can get together with my friends since I don't see much of them anymore. I wish I lived at Jester at times like this. I thought it would be cold in the computer lab but today it is actually warm. I have this sweatshirt on but I don't feel like taking it off. How many more minutes until my time is up? I've typed quite a bit of information thus far. Pretty interesting how much stuff runs through my head. I wonder if this is more than most people or maybe its that I type fast and I can type basically every thing that I am thinking. This computer is pretty cool and the icons are cute. I hear music and I'm wondering where it is coming from. I figure since tonight is the Mexican culture night they are playing some kind of ranchero music. They should have a Honduran culture night. Haha. Why is the computer across from me making so much noise? Wow. I sure do ask my self a lot of questions. Well, I think my time is almost up. I guess I have about. its taking me a while to figure this out. I am so terrible at mental math. What happened? I have 5 minutes left I guess. How terrible I am at mental math! I am glad that I don't have to worry about turning in calculus homework tomorrow. My grade for today's homework assignment is going to suck because my teacher does a horrible job of explaining anything and I've been too lazy to go to the office hours. But I did go to the math lab, which was not in service to the calculus students. Why do we have more restricted hours for calculus. I walked all that way to Jester for nothing. I'm sure if I got the proper instruction yesterday afternoon my calculus homework grade would be a lot better than its going to be. Why am I assuming that I will get a bad grade? Maybe I won't. The TA seems pretty easy going and she knows that I am interested in keeping/getting a good grade for that class. I. am glad the movie station is back on. I'd like to be under the covers watching a movie right about now. Sleep. I want to sleep! I wish I wasn't always so tired. Yes! I only have a few more minutes left. I'd say about 2 minutes left. Finally! This is already a one and a half page singlespaced paper in Times new roman font. I didn't know I had that much stuff running through my head. Actually, it doesn't surprise me. I always have too much stuff running through this head of mine and then they all get jumbled up and I can't think straight. I think that's why I interrupt people so much when I'm talking. because I have so much stuff in my mind that if I don't say it I'll forget it. I guess that shouldn't matter since I'll have another 10 million thoughts to compensate for that one loss. But anyways. My time is up. How great! \", 'However, after becoming sick I began to notice how much I was dependant on my mother to help me , and take me to the doctor and pick up any medicines I needed. Now I have to do it all on my own. I had to wake up in the middle of the night and take myself to the hospital, I had to pick up my medicine, I was now the one who signed the form for my treatment to occur, not my mother. Now it is all me, and in a way that kind of frightens me. I now have to wonder if I am doing things right, or if I am screwing things up. Also, I keep thinking about going home this weekend for the first time, and I am not quite sure if I feel ready to see some of the people I graduated with. I am really excited about seeing my parents and friends, but I am really dreading going to my former high school\\'s football game. Then all of this brings up another thought into my mind. Everyone so going to make comments on the fact that I still don\\'t have a boyfriend, or that I am too picky when it comes to guys, and all of that other mess. All of this seems so superficial when I look at it, but this is the stuff that I have been thinking about. I have met several guys that I am really interested in, but it seems like there is always a problem. I always seem to be able to pick things out about guys and turn a perfectly good guy into a loser. I can pretend that I like a guy to suppress my feelings for wanting to be with somebody, but I can\\'t last more than two weeks with that person. I can try and try to make things work out but I always seem to push guys away, which my other believes is her fault because of her and my father\\'s divorce or something like that. I just seem to get scared when a guy gets to close to me. All through high school, all of my friends dated the same guy, and I was the one who had a different guy in every dance picture. I am unable to totally figure out what my problem is , but I am hoping now that I am in college I will \"find myself. \" ', \"right now my mind says why the hell do I have to do this. I'm not up to doing this crap because I just woke up and I realized that I have to get this homework done before it is due in class. I have been missing home and all of my friends. especially the girl I love but she is being a bitch to me sometimes and I don't appreciate that. anyway I have realized that I have been slacking off in my classes and I have to get started on doing all of my homework because if I don't then my ass is going to be back in home racking leaves, and cutting grass. anyway, my roommate, which is my best friend is going to move out on me and I am going to be here all alone. I think that at he is stupid for what he did and I hope that all of it is falsed. he might have gotten his seventeen year old girlfriend pregnant and now she wants him to go home and be with her so he is going to drop out of college to go back home and take care of her. i sure do hope that the bitch is lying and just wants for him to be close to her for no reason. but if she is lying and doing it on purpose, then I will fuck the shit out of her for being a bitch. anyway enough of the vulgarity, this is all that is bothering me and all that is running through my mind, I am also thinking about this girl named felicia that I met last night. she had just turned nineteen and she is one of the nicest girls that I have met down here. she has a wonderfull sense of humor, she doesn't like to leave anyone out and she has a beautifull smile. I don't think that she thinks much about me but I sure do hope that one of these days she realizes what a great guy I am and she starts to recognize my existance on this earth. tonight is going to be a great night, we are going to go eat chinese food at the china star, we are also going to go get drunk off our asses and party tonight. my friend is not going to forget tonight since it will probably be his last night here so I we are going to party for him, the twenty minutes seem to be up so lates and peace out. \", \"it is 7:30 right now and I have to write for 20 minutes. my roommate is going to come in here and read this and make fun of me. she said she would be home at 7;30 I bet it will be a lot later. damn, I'm really bad at typing, iwish I did't have to look at the keyboard while I did this. I wonder who will be reading this thing. I would really like to read someone elses. I hope after this I can get back on that pretesting thing because it sure as hell wasn't working for me earlier. what if I can never get back on it. I'll probably fail this class. man, I just got a call from someone at atm. I could see it on the caller id. shit, that means I'm going to have to calle them back and pay for the long distance. I couldn't answer it and let it skrew up my thinking process. ireally wonder who is going to read this. I wonder how much more time I have. I don't want to look at the clock that will make it seem worse. I wonder what my parents are doing. I bet they're pretty bored. I really suck at typing maybe I should take keyboarding class or something, am I going to run out of room here? it looks like it, oh no ican keep going. I feel like doing something fun. I wish bryce would stop calling so damn much. watch him get on line and be able to read this. iwonder if thatsa possible. I bet you have to know my social security number or some thing. but the university knows it. I wonder if the computer is like timing me or something. my mom would be really proud of me for doing this she doesn't think I know what I'm doing when it come to computers. my roommated will also be impressed when she come home from whereever she is. I bet this would be a lot harder to do in that class room with 400 people. iwould probably start writing about the people around us. by the time I finish a sentence I've already thought about 10,000 other things. I wonder if other peoples are going to be like this. they are probably going to talk about something worthwhile. I used to think it was worthwild. I hear voices outside my window I wonder if they can see me. they're probably saying that girl looks at th e keyboard when she type instead of the screen. wow time is going by really fast, I only have like 4 more minutes. I wonder what will be done with this and if I will ever see it again. where the hell is lindsay? I think I'm starting to get a crick in my neck. I have 2 more minutes. computers are pretty fun I wish I didn't have such early classes. I keep thinking some one is going to knock on my door. geez my suitemate is really weird. I wonder what she does. damn almost all my thoughts from 20 minutes recorded. that is pretty cool. shoul;d I read over it? \", \" I'm just sitting here by the computer thinking of something to write about. I just finished my Inorganic class, met a really nice guy who is now my partner for this, however he is married. Two of my friends are sitting in this same room, talking about math problems. Man, am I glad my math requirement is over and done with. I'm also so worried about my med schhool application. Is this what I really want to do with my life? On the other hand, do I not want to go ahead and try? Will I regret it if I give up? Will I regret it if I don't? Sometimes I think all I'm afraid of is hard work. When I think about applying to grad school, I start to worry about how hard it'll be to my phD dissertation! Talk about borrowing trouble. I don't want to disappoint mama, she does so much for me, but no matter how hard I try, I feel that she's never satisfied with who I am, even though she always says she is. I'm glad she came to visit me this time, but I'm also so scared of disappointing her. If she ver knew I got that C for math. ! I keep thinking about Sulanka a lot too. Mama said continuously that he wasn't the right man for me, deep down I know that too, so why am I still with him? He always puts me down, and I know half his compliments and lovering is not sincere. Maybe it's the sheer convenience of livjng together. Although sometimes I wonder what the hell's so convenient about it! He makes me spend my money like there's no tomorrow, I've cried more times with him than at any other time of my life. However, I've also spent the last six and a hlaf years with him, so there must be something I need that I'm getting from him. It's hard to let go of something you've had for so long even if you know it's not very good for you. I like meeting other guys though, and it comforts me to know that even if I did leave him, I needn't be alone. Sometimes I think I'd rather be a little prettier than a little smarter - like I have a choice! But if I did, I think pretty girls have an easier life than the smart girls, for the simple reason maybe that pretty girls don't have much to think about. I used to alwasy envy the pretty girls at school, even if they were younger and dummer than I was! It was a shock to realise a few years ago, that they had all been jealous of me. I sure do miss high-school. Sometimes I think that was the happiest time of my life -even with all the ons of problems I had. Living at home with mama and Poppa was so hard sometimes, but I had my friends, and it seems as if even Sulanka loved me more at that time. To be fair, he also didn't see me 24 hours a day when we were in high-school either! I loved hanging out with my friends, I've never laughed so hard as when I was in highschool. It was nice being known by everyone. I miss my click, I can't wait to see Ash and Ramee and hopefully Sashi in the winter. I'm sure Senny must be going through the same things now. I feel so bad for him, but being a tyypical boy, I can't ask hi to talk to me, his sister, about any feelings. Then again. even if I did, I'd have no idea about what to do if he broke down. That boy's badder than I thought he was! He always looks so innocent and sweet, but deep down, he's a real bad-ass! And mama and Poppa think I was the flighty kid. Sometimes I wonder if I really am happy with what I've become. I don't dare talk about it to anyone because everyone thinks I'm perfect. My bosses, my parents, my friends and co-workers. If I try to talk to Sulanka about these feelings, he just belittles me, so I really have no one to talk to. I could talk to mama, sometimes I wish I did, but then, she expects so much from me, and I'm so sure she'll scoff at my worries. She treats me as though I was still an impetuous child, in need of being humoured. I wish I could make her see me seriously someitmes. So many people are expecting me to do well, they depend on me to do them proud. I feel like my grasp on things os slowly slipping away. What am I going to do when I graduate? Will I ever amount to anything? Will I ever make mama happy with me and feel as though I have fulfilled her dream? I miss Poppa. For all his bluster and old fasioned ways, he's a lot simpler to please than mama. And daddy, dear daddy, he just wants me to be happy, but them, I feel as though he doesn't know much about me, and daddy isn't the sort of person I cold expose any deep feelings to. He's just not that kind of man. So I have to go along, and try to do the best I can with what I have. It's not an especially hard lot even though I fret so much. I have a great family who would do anything for me, I have a home and a brother who now lives with me. I have aboyfriend who even if he doesn't give me verything I want, apparently gives me something I need. The future I suppose, will just have to work itself out. These crazy thoughts and fears in my head will just have to sort themselves out, maybe in time they will. I have to try not to go bonkers, but I just feel so overwhelmed sometimes, like I'll never get a grasp on my future, or I'll never be truly happy. I think I know on thing for certain now, I can never be truly happy if I marry Sulanka and I need to try and get away from him if I can, no matter how hard it may be, and it will be very, very hard. \", 'Stream of Consciousness? Well actually I\\'ve never done this before but it seems like there\\'s nothing to it. I just tell you what I\\'m thinking, right? Well here is what I am feeling. Right now I am feeling anticipation because I have a load of laundry going downstairs. I really cant wait till its done. I guess this feeling of Anticipation is only natural since I am doing laundry. If I wasn’t doing laundry and I still felt like I was waiting for something then that might be a little bit out of the ordinary. I am also feeling a tad fatigued, considering that I have been up on my feet all day. I sense that I could also trace that to the fact that I only got five hours of sleep last night. I cant stop typing for twenty minutes I cant stop typing for twenty minutes. This stream of consciousness stuff is really bizarre. It really makes absolutely no sense to me. That might be considered a feeling of confusion or bewilderment stemming most likely from my misunderstanding of this assignment. From what I write will you guys over there be able to tell what kind of person I am? There you go, another sensation: one of curiosity. That is I wonder why on earth am I doing this. I guess there can also be a slight feeling of frustration since I am doing something that I do see the purpose of. One thing that I do notice is that there are no margins on this site, so if I wanted to I could write and write and write and write and make one really long line , in a sense a veritable stream of consciousness. That wasn’t very clever. Anyway I was also wondering how many people create a phantom margin like I have been doing what does that tell you or me about me. Do I like order or do I like being able to see everything that I have written in front of my face. Well do you know what? Its both. I like order most of the time. I need to keep on typing I need to keep on typing I need to keep on typing. Another sensation I feel you say? Hunger. I have not eaten in a while. Also I only ate one meal today. I guess that is a sign of stress. I am usually not that stressed out. I don’t really feel too much stress. My sleeping patterns are relatively normal(except for last night). I really cant figure out what this assignment does. Is this supposed to help me or you? IS this apart of some survey or something? From analyzing all these stream of consciousness documents will you be able to certain things and similarities we all share, thought patterns and what not? By the way, who should I be talking to anyway? I have been using \"you\" for a while. I feel like I\\'ve been talking to \"you\" for so long and we haven\\'t even met. How\\'s it going? My name is Walker. It is a pleasure to meet you, \"you. \" Introductions aside, let\\'s get back to this S. O. C. nonsense. Actually, let\\'s not; my time is up. Take it easy. ', \" I wonder what this stuff is suposed to mean. What can i possibly learn about my self by writing incohearant thoughts for twenty minutes. I'm not a very good typist for one. None too good at spelling either. I hope who ever or what ever machine looks at this can read past any spelling and punctuation mistakes. This computer screne is far too birght. i wish i had thought to fix that before i started this. I wish i could read some other students writtings. Maybe i'd find some insight to how i'm doing in this rat race. Maybe i'd figure out what the girls around here are looking for. how vacant can my mind be? how many mental diseased is this going to uncover in me? i hope there are drugs to fix it. I wish i were at the lake right now. no books, no tv, no phone, just a hamock and a cold drink. Maybe a seadoo. A little bit of water sports never hurt anyone. Accept the ones that crash. God i hope never see anything like that again. Why did that have to happen, all those kids had to do was go a little bit slower. All they had to do was look around for boats. They could have avoided it and now they are dead just beacause they couldn't understand that a jet ski isn't a toy. A goddamn toy! how could anyone play with their life like that. I hope i go in my sleep. i can feel the propeller slicing through my leg right now. those poor bastards. i guess id rather be one of those kids than the poor bastard that hit them though. i could never live with that kind of baggage. they didn't even know where their parents were. for the love of God, what could they possibly have thought when they got that phone call. MRs smith, your daughters are dead. There was nothing we could do, i guess these things just happen. and how could the parents not blame the draver of that boat?? how coul anyone ever admit that their childs death was their childs own fault? that all seem a bit bleek. Maybe i am ill. maybe i should get a bike. I could get around alot faster. Maybe i should just leave early, then maybe i could loose some weight. mayeb i've got it all wrong though. maybe they don't even care about that. I should loose some weight anyway. its unhealthy. Who ever reads this thinks i'm a nutcase. Hello out there. welcome to the inner sanctom of my mind. its cold in here, but you'll get used to it. watch your step, there are some loose screws here and there. don't poke at that, i'm affraid it might fall apart. don't trip on that, its allready fallen apart. i know its messy in here but i'll get it all organized sooner or later. i need to hire an inner sanctum of the mind cleaning lady. I hear they are very affordable. I guess cheap labor is just a byproduct of his whole immigration mess. maybe that mess has to do with our economic mess, or our terrorism mess. or our youth mess. or our drug mess. who in hell is going to clean up any of these messes? can you do one at a time? or are they all linked together? certainly some are. i'll just let trusty george W. handle it. err, imean cheany \", 'I have no clue how to start this. I haven\\'t bought my psychology book yet. Is that bad? I wish I could do that DJ thing at the beginning of class. The guy last time played horrible music. I made a friend in that class named Kelly. She seems cool. I hope we get to hang out. This feels like a diary entry. Is that what it\\'s supposed to be like? Today Natalie and I went down to a free barbecue thing and met some new people. One girl we met reminded my of my ex-boyfriends new girlfriend. It really got on my nerves. Not because I\\'m jealous, just because it was like her twin and being around that was just an odd situation. Rob is really annoying me. I\\'d like to just stop talking to him altogether. But hang out with him at the same time. And Eric. I don\\'t know what to do with Eric. I don\\'t know if I love him or not. I don\\'t know if I\\'ll ever really be in love. He says the sweetest things to me, so it\\'s easy for me to say sweet things back to him. But I don\\'t know if I really feel it or not. I think I\\'m really heartless. And I haven\\'t been in English for a long time! I\\'m forgetting whether to capitalize the I\" in some words. Odd. My arm hurts. Am I going to have to keep this up for 20 minutes? I wonder if some people write really poetic things in their stream of consciousness writings. Mine is all boring teenage bullshit. Let\\'s try and write something deep. It\\'s quiet in the dorm hall, save the occasional dorm slam. All the girls are in their rooms, wasting tears on heartless boys and wasting brain cells on pointless worksheets. The faint shimmer of hope of the future they saw on the first day of college has almost completely faded, all in a couple of days. Soon those heartless boys will do something so horrendous, and the girls trust in men will be shattered for good and ruin all relationships in the future. Aaaand I\\'m spent. That was so lame. Bullshit, as my English teacher would say. He is really cool. He made us write about a chair the other day, which was very interesting. And he taught at Pomona, which is my Harvard. I would love to go to school in California. Hopefully next year I can go to SFSU and be near Eric and see if this thing will really work out. Are boys the only thing on my mind? Am I really that shallow? At this moment, I\\'m afraid so. I blanked. I have to start a new stream. I\\'m losing a lot of weight, I think. My wrists are smaller than they used to be. I don\\'t know why that waifish look appeals to me. I want to be super skinny. And if not eating is how I have to get there, I just might do it. I don\\'t think I\\'m fat right now. There are just parts of me that could be smaller. And I\\'m too lazy to work out, so not eating will solve all of these problem areas. I\\'ll be the anorexic that always eats Milky Way. Because those are so good and I could never give them up. When do I become an adult? I have no clue where that came from. But really. When? It\\'s really quiet in here. I can hear Natalie typing on occasion. She is a good student. Always on top of things. Our room smells like new carpet when you first walk in. The other day it smelled like Clam Chowder. Not pleasant. I miss my family. I never thought I would. I don\\'t miss them so much that I\\'d cry or be terribly homesick. I mainly miss the meals. And the fact that if I was sick they would go and buy me what I needed. I took birth control for the first time on Friday and it made me sick and there was no one to take care of me. It made me appreciate my mom so much more, which I rarely do. Yes, I am a spoiled brat. I didn\\'t get as much stuff as other brats did, but I am one nonetheless. And I have no concept of money because I am willing to shell out another couple hundred bucks in October to go see Eric again. And my mom will be furious at me if she finds out. I\\'m not going to tell her this time. I\\'ll give Natalie all the information. And pray my parents don\\'t come down for a surprise visit. I like our dorm room. It has a lot of character. I love our posters. Natalie and I have the same tastes in a lot of things. Of course, I\\'d much rather have my best friend Monica as a roommate. I miss her so much. And with her, I do miss her to tears. She is the only one I could be myself around. I love her so much. And feel horrible about what I did to her last year. I blew her off. I wasn\\'t a good friend. And I\\'ll never forgive myself for it. The girls across the hall from us just got home. I don\\'t like them that much. Jenny is nice. She listens to Morrissey. And, however stereotypical that is, we think she is gay because of that. Most Morrissey girls are lesbians. And Paige, the other girl, is really stuck-up. And she listens to lots of local bands from Dallas that I despise. So yes. It takes a lot for me to warm-up to people. I\\'m very selective with friends. Which I shouldn\\'t be because I\\'m not the coolest person to hang out with. And boy do I have low self-esteem. I constantly put myself down. Eric gets annoyed with it. And I type really hard, too. I think Natalie is annoyed with this sound right now. Oh well. Seriously, is someone going to read this? Is there a right or wrong way to do it? I hope not. I\\'m sure I\\'m doing it the wrong way. Rob just told me that he is joining the army. I don\\'t want him to. And I told him why. And he told me not to be punk rock because I\\'m an indie princess. That\\'s so lame. Just because I listen to that kind of music doesn\\'t mean I can\\'t have political views. And this was a good exercise. Very therapeutic. Thank you, Professor! ', \"Why can I not think of anything to type the moment when I click the start link? This is so weird, I just hungry everytime after I am done showering. Why is that? Is it because while I am showering my body also takes the food away from my stomach? I wonder why my feet are so smelly even though I have already taken a shower. My roommate seems to be busy all the time and never seem to have any time to chill or hang out with me and some other people. I think that guy in the SPE meeting today was pretty cute. Hopefully I will be able to meet him sometime. Wow, it is getting pretty late right now and I am getting a little bit sleepy. I took the Pretesting for the psychology required experiment testing and it was really long! It was so detailed that I was about to give up and continue it some other time and go to sleep instead. Man, I really don't know what to do about Calculus. I seem to be struggling in all of my math classes and if I still don't get help by next Monday, I will be screwed. I feel kind of floaty? Is that the word to describe it? My feet are really cold right now, I wonder why. My hands are a little cold too. Hmm. I think it's because that the temperature in this room is getting lower and lower. I really want the temperature to go up a little more if not it's going to be freezing in here like my other friends' dorms at Jester West. Man. I still have 3 more classes tomorrow but good thing that I don't have any classes on Friday! Yay! I think I am going to return the dark blue flip-flops since it seems to be hard for me to find something that will match with it. If not, I can ask my sister if she wants to buy it from me or not. Hopefully she would want it so then I wouldn't have to make a trip back to the mall to return it. I am feeling really tired and sleepy right now. I wish I can go to sleep but I have to get some work done before it will be too late. Hopefully I will be able to go back to Houston sometime this or next weekend. I really want to see my cute little brother! I miss him a lot! Ouch, my right arm is aching now. I think it's because I have been using the computer too much and typing a lot. I think I really do need a break from the computer. Where is he? I really want to talk to him but it seems like he is either always away or I talk to him and he never replies. That is really annoying. My contacts feel a kind of weird. I think I should take them out and put on my glasses instead. Hmm. I really do wonder why my roommate has to leave that music on forever. Is it because it soothes her from all of the pain and stress through out the day? That's probably the reason why. I really do wonder why she wants to be a vegetarian. I think it's quite interesting even though I really don't think I can live without eating any meat in my life. Meat is just too good. I wonder why one of my friends today acted kind of strange. I think she probably felt bad for me for not being able to make it in time to eat dinner with me or it's probably because that she wants to find out something that has to do with either me or this other friend of mine. I think that it really annoys me a lot when she acts in this immature way and causes me to not be able to trust her even more. A few of my friends on AIM are messaging me and I am trying to reply to them even though I am concentrating on typing this up. She was asking me about whether I will be going to the next football game or not. Should I go? But I think that the tickets is going to be rather expensive but going to one wouldn't be that bad since I have never gone to one before. Man. it's only been a few days of my first classes in college and I am gradually starting to hate it. Why do college math professors just scribble random things on the board? I mean can they at least have a little bit more organization? It makes me so confused on understanding the material and I can't even figure out how to solve the homework problems. I wish I can change my calc professor but I think that is going to be impossible. Ouch, both of my arms hurt now, I think I should be getting off the computer really soon. An individual sports package? What is that? For 40 dollars? I really don't know if I should get it because I don't really want to spend all of my money on football tickets. All right, I think my time is almost up and I am so happy I can go to sleep now! \", 'I often wonder why I put so much effort into such trivial things such as looks because that can only do so far. I\\'m not happy with myself a lot and I run from my problems and it seems co dependence is necessity for me. college has been a wake up call and a sobering realization of how small we are. nelson mandella wrote in a speech something along the lines of \"we as humans are not afraid that we can\\'t shine but we are afraid the of the things that we can do. any I feel like the catcher in the rye writing like this . it\\'s so random my girl sent me a tape of songs to remember her by and they are supposed to sooth but instead they keep me up because I have such vivid memories of her. I worry about not being successful and being surpassed by my friends and that they will forget about me. I moved to Texas in the middle of the summer and I was so depressed and I would look at myself and I hated the state of mind I was in and the negativity I was supporting and it was a ridiculous waste of time. I vow to make the place I\\'m at the best place. I bitch about so many things that are so trivial. there was an airplane crash the other day and everyone died . I can\\'t help but think about how bad it is for those families and friends and here I was missing mine but they are certainly not dead. the people who have been directly affected by it are immersed in some tough times, and for me life is good. it\\'s crazy how things work like that. I tried keeping a journal ,but I can\\'t keep up with it very well so far, I can\\'t wait to play lacrosse ,it has become such a big part of my life. every morning I wake always wishing I could sleep , but at night I always stay up, I wonder if a good philosophy to live life by is to say live everyday like the next day you going to get hit by a bus. it interests me to talk to my parents and older adults to ask what they would have done differently if they could go back because it makes you realize how fast life goes by. my dad was so smart and I feel so much pressure to live up to him but he would kill me if he knew some of the things I\\'ve done, sometimes I feel ashamed but on the other end it is learning from mistakes. well this was interesting , I can\\'t wait till the weekend, till christmas and till Tuesday when lacrosse starts. ', 'Well, first I\\'m thinking that I should\\'ve done this a few days ago instead of on the last day. There are still a few hours left, but it\\'s never good to procrastinate. I guess it\\'s ok because I\\'ve been very busy lately doing work for other classes. I\\'m usually in my dorm doing work instead of going to 6th street and getting drunk, which is what I thought I was supposed to be doing. Some of my friends call me a hermit\" now because I\\'m in my dorm doing work a lot of the times. I don\\'t really care. I\\'d rather be responsible. I do go out though. Yesterday I went with some friends to go watch a volleyball game. Now I\\'m feeling full and satisfied because I just ate a pizza and I was extremely hungry. I haven\\'t felt this satisfied in a while. I don\\'t really like most of the food in the cafeteria, but the pizza is good. I miss the food at home. I miss home a lot. I miss my family even though I talk to them over the phone just about every day. It\\'s just not the same when you are away. Life at home this summer was so simple. I was just in my house very comfortable and without worries. I would go out with my girlfriend every few days. I miss her desperately. I think I was supposed to also describe what I\\'m smelling. I don\\'t really smell anything right now. I wish I could smell my girlfriend\\'s perfume again. I think that\\'s my favorite smell of all. It\\'s weird because I sometimes \"remember\" what the scent was. I don\\'t think that\\'s supposed to happen. Now I\\'m thinking that I\\'ve been typing too damn much and my hands are getting tired. Oh well. It\\'s in the name of science. Now I\\'m thinking that someone might probably be reading this. I feel sorry for whoever has that job. Sorry for writing this much. Sorry for not being very interesting. Now I\\'m remembering that I missed the rain again. I missed yesterday\\'s rain because I was in my psychology class. When I got out, the ground was wet. It happened again today on the count of my pre cal class. Now I\\'m thinking that I probably should\\'ve done this thing on internet explorer instead of netscape because I think there should be a timer above this box thingy. Now I don\\'t know when to stop. I\\'m probably going to stop too soon. I\\'ll get an F in this assignment. I\\'ll fail this class and be dropped. Then I won\\'t be considered a full time student because I\\'m only taking 12 hours. I\\'ll be forced to go home, and I will go home a failure. Hmm. that probably won\\'t happen. After all, I\\'ve been having so much here, even though it is away from all that I hold dear. I think I have 10 more minutes to go. Now I\\'m feeling that I have to go take a leak. Dammit. It\\'ll have to wait. I\\'m still not sure what this is for and what it studies. Maybe someone will read this and say that I\\'m crazy. That would be funny. All I need is confirmation. Now I\\'m thinking that my time would be better spent outside. Outside the air was cool and the sky was cloudy. A very pretty day. I hate being inside. I\\'d much rather be outside. I have a good view of the outside from my window. I\\'m on the seventh floor so it\\'s pretty cool. I think I\\'m doing this wrong. I\\'m still not sure why. I think my time is coming running out. Yup, I\\'m done. ', \"Right now i feel as if i need to sleep. Well i at least need to start sleeping on a regular schedule. I have a severe problem with being nocturnal and then not wanting to to anything druing the day ohter than lay around. I think that i am starting to get a little better but i'm not quite sure if i will ever be able to have a good nights sleep. at night. I also and having an interesting time adjusting into school. i have been in school for a year sttraight and I think that i still have senioritis. I just don't have the drive to do anything, but i know that i need to get good grades. I am enjoying my classes this fall much more than the ones that I had this summer. they are actually things that I am interested in and my proffessors are weird or mean like the ones that I had to deal with in the summer semester here. I absolutely love UT, i don't think that there is any way that I could have stayed at home much longer. I'm to the point now that it is really weird whenever i go home and i don't like it very much. I have even started to call austin home. This really bothers some of my friends, mainly the ones who still like back in keller or around keller. I miss my parents a lot and i fell bad that I dislike being at home. I love my mom so much and i worry about her because i know that she is sad. I love my dad too, he and my mom are my favorite people in the whole world and i don't know what i would ever do without them. I feel that i am a disappointment to them though. I am nothing like my sister and i don't have half the book smarts that she does. She got all the intelligence and i got all the common sense, which isnt good when you are going to a school like UT. I love my sister a lot, i just don't know if she likes me that much. We have always had to deal with a lot of sibling rivalry. and you would have thought that it had gotten better but it is just so hard for us to talk sometimes. i think that she is amazing though and i look up to her so much. Right now, I am rally worried about my friend, his dad died not long ago, and i don't know how he is doing. He drinks and smokes all the time and one of his roomates and i are really worried, but it hasnt reached the point where we can say anything to him yet. I think that he would get extremely deffensive especialy if his roomate said something. I really don't know if i can type for another ten minutes, i thought that this time would fly by, but it is actually going really slow. I also don't kow what it is you are expecting from this exercise because i am sure you get a lot of random responses. Anyways, my favorite thing to do in the whole world is Dance. I have been dancing since i was like three and i need to get back into in. Dancing is my utopia and it always makes me feel better. I love everything about it and i know that i need to start taking again before i completely lose the ability. But, it is just so hard to find the time and the money. I need a job if i am going to pay for it and i feel bad asking my mom and dad to pay for it because they are putting so much money into me going to school right now. Aside from my weird sleeping schedule, I also am really weird when it comes to eating. I don't think that I have an eating disorder, but i think that i have something wrong with my stomach that makes me gag, or go through times when i just don't get hungry and the thought of food makes me sick. I think that a lot of my friends worry about me though and think that i am either anorexic or buliemic. I do admit that i am very small, but not discustingly so. I have been living in my apartment for like two weeks now and i have yet to completely unpack my room, this is another example of me being entirely too worthless and having no drive to get up and do something. I know that i will unpack eventually, but i never really see the point. I do love it in my apartment though, my roomates are so cool, and they are really nice to me. I hope that they like me as much as i like them. i am sure that it is kind of weird for them though, like i am invading their territory because, they all knew each other before this and then i moved into the picture. I am going home this weekend for my boyfriends birthday. I miss him a lot and i wish that he would transfer to UT. I don't know what is going to happen if we continue fighting like we have been, plus, he just got into a frat, and i don't really like the idea of that too much. I have less than two minutes left and I have absolutely no clue of what to write. I think that after I am done with this I am going to go eat some lasagne. I have a huge craving for it right now for some reason. I think it is because it is five in the afternoon and all i have eaten is fruitloops. Hopefully no one actually reads these assignments because im sure the incessant ramblings of a college student can get kind of redundant and confusing. i know that i would not want that job. \", \" I'm very worried about many things right now. I feel that i'm so far behind in my studies that i won't be able to catch up. I haven't gotten all my books and my classes are fairly hard this year. I'm usually a guy that stays on top of things and likes to have the headstart, but it seems like I'm not on top of things. I have to get my microeconomic book from my friend later tonight so i can begin reading for that class. I should be on chapter three already, but i have yet to begun. I'm in Houston right now, my hometown, and is about to leave around four. Home was a nice time to relax and enjoy my old friends again. Most of the time I was home finding myself doing absolutely nothing. I find that Houston is not as fun as it was. Things are starting to change. My views and my emotions are quite different than before. I view my parents and my brother differently. I appreciate their company more than i did before. I guess I just miss them an awful lot. My brother and I are very close, and i try to talk to him every night when i'm not living in Houston. I enjoy talking to him and sharing my thoughts and my experiences. I'm also kind of glad that I am going back to Austin later today. I missed alot while I was gone. A friend's birthday party, UT's first football game, and a Chinese Bible Study meeting that i was hoping to attend. I can gladly say that I don't regret comming to Houston and being back home. I enjoyed it fairly well. Suddenly, I feel like a sense of burden lifted from my shoulder. I'm not really thinking about my school work and homework that I should be doing, but I have a smile on my face. A sense of peace and a sense of sadness that I'm going to depart from this wonderful place I call home. Both my parents are home right now and my mom is making her best dishes for me. I can smell it from upstairs. I haven't quite missed my mother's cooking yet, but i know i will in the comming months. University of Texas is not what I had in mind. It is not as fun and exciting as I thought it would be. All my friends go there, but there seems to still be an emptiness. I guess things will get better as time progresses. I'm still not use to the freedom that I have and still not use to other things. I have also found out that I have not spoken to many of my close friends, or even hung out with them. I rather just be around those that I feel more comfortable around. The people at UT are nice thus far, I have met variety of new faces and do throughly enjoy their company. I enjoy making new friends and meeting new people. I have learned that friendships are very important. Since I use to move alot, from places to places, I have learned how to make friends and still be myself. I feel like I have lost a good friend of mine from high-school. I was very close to him and we were like brothers. Now, in college, it seems like he doesn't even want to hang out with me, but rather with his girlfriend. My friend has never dated before, but now is dating. He spends alot of time with her, and does various activities with her that i strongly disapprove. I really want him to continue to be my friend, but it just seems so hard when he doesn't put his efforts into the friendship. I hope this is not the end of our friendship, and i'm not going to give up on it. College will be a time for me to learn and expererience things that I will never experience before. Sceanarios that i have no idea how to solve and trials that will make me into the future Nick Chu. \", \" hehe. . wow you do have a timer on this page, I heard that you didn't, or that you could write for like 10min and then just hit submit and it would work, and I thought to myself wow. . how hard would it be to make a script to auto submit it after 20minutes are up Its really lame tho that you didn't give us some sorta topic to start out on, I mean, I find it easier to conciously recognize my thoughts when they are focused on a general topic. That prolly doenst make alot of sence, but basically I'm a big person into mind over matter stuff, metaphysics, multideminsional self, acension, and usually and am in close contact with my thoughts, but usually when in a trance state or meditation, not while acually creating kenetic energy(moving physcially). I'm listening to my speakers right now. . I love tool's music, its so euphoric and conductive to a meditative state. sorta like how trance music sorta makes you tired after listening to it for 20 min or so. Yeah, now you prolly think something about trance == drugs or something. But no. I don't drink, do drugs, I'm a vegetarian, and like to keep my body in a good state. Wow my computer case is dirty. I need to get a towel or something and clean it off. I wish I had a new motherboard/processor and more ram for it too. Which reminds me I need to build a linux server soon. . I've got the parts just not the time becaues I'm too busy writing programs for my cs classes. Taking 17 hours is ok. wish I had more. . like 1-2 more. it keeps me busy, which I like. I want to do research in metaphysics. Isn't weird a cs/math double major wanting to do research in the area of metaphysics which has no real basis physically? I got a good base in logic tho which really helps. My gf is coming up here this weekend, from dallas. Shes' at NT right now cause shes in tams and I miss her, it'll be fun. oww my hand hurts from typing or something. I like being able to close my eyes and just type it makes it easier to concentrate on my thoughts. I still taste the cheese on my tounge. I had cheese and crackers earlier and it was good. thirsty. . yay tea I like my cell phone, I saw my cell and it made me think that. unlimited night/weekend is awesome. Music: duh duh duh duh end song move to bad religon. . ehh. . I guess it can sit there for now. hmm. . been 11min so far. about half done. I like this tho. well not so much the writing for stream of concouisness but the premiss behind it. analizing thoughts see what people are like and stuff. . its nice. thinking I would do a triple major in pphilosophy if I can get a job to pay for my classes that go over 150 hours. wow there is a big purple mark on my arm where I rest in on the edge of my desk: its not a real desk, more a shelf in my aparment designed to act as a desk. I like my apartment so much better than dorms, room by myself, and cheaper. Got housemates tho. but its still better. I wonder what tristan is doing at college station (old roomate). I've lacked seeing him online. music resist and multiply . . thats incubus. there ok but latest album is the worst they've done. grr I need to do more streching, I've lost my flexiblity, and I need to work out more, just got to make myself move awayt from my phone and just surfing online when nothing better to do. they have a gytm over here in my apartments. wonder where it is. I need to find out. mainly want to work on abs pecs and left trapiezius all but pecs aI can do here in my room with my dumbbell so not that big a rush &lt;moving to music&gt; &lt;singing in head to redhot chili pepper&gt; I like my speaker system. sound card and speakers where bout 50 total which is nice for how they work. . not top of the line but better than anything else I prolly could of got for the same. hmm. . my joints in my fingers like to pop, and my knees sometime. I'm siting weird, or what most people would consider weird. basically enjoying my flexibitliy and light weight so that I can stay in strange positions and be comfortable. I usta sleep in class in weird positions. . I had to fight to stay up in logic this morning. but I made it. . so yay. I watn a 4. 0 this sem so staying up is all good. I shoudl be able to cause I'm working harder than any time before. . hmm. . its ddone now. . bye bye \", 'I am starting over again. I am real mad. I was about 15 min into my first writing and I clinked on some link and this page transferred to somewhere else and everything was lost. That sucks. That sucks. That Sucks. I do not know what else to write. FRUSTRATION. nothing is more annoying. last year at 4 am in the morning my computer froze. I lost 3 or 4 pages of work for a a research paper that was do the next morning. that was infuriating. maybe almost cried. probably not. about as angry at myself as I have ever been though. bloodied my hand on a wall I was so mad then. I\\'m not angry enough now to hit anything. it is only twenty minutes and I have done nothing all day. the link I clicked was so stupid. it was in my friends profile. quotes from my calc teacher last year. they weren\\'t funny when I read them. I knew they wouldn\\'t be anyway. but I had to click on the damn link. wish I could get that moment back. about one hundred quotes and not one was funny. the kid who made this list of quotes has way too much time on their hands. not that I don\\'t. it is 4 in the afternoon and the only time I have been out of my dorm is too get food. nothing else so far. that is pretty sad. staring and tvs and computer screen hurts my eyes. throbbing is only word I can think of to describe my feeling. feel like going back to bed. I sleep way too much. winamp. music. weezer. play. el scorcho. god damn you half japanese girls. do it to me every time. all the red heads said you shred the jello and I\\'m jello baby. two won\\'t talk won\\'t think of me. I\\'m the epitome. I can\\'t keep up typing the song lyrics. I had it going good for a while. I asked you to go to the green day concert. you said you never heard of them. I\\'m not going to tey and type lyrics anymore. I\\'m not in the mood for weezer. stop. change. bela fleck. something anyone can always listen too. no lyrics to tey and type at least. locks of dread. I hear drums and some weird keyboard type instrument. I\\'m not really sure. definitely a bass and maracas or something of that nature. not important. great song. I feel better. one of few songs that can make me feel better by listening to. I wonder how many words I spelled wrong/typos. go back and check. NO. ha. not that important. this is my stream of conscious. I don\\'t think this is working. would I normally think about these things if I was not trying to record thought. only thing I think I am really thinking about is what I am thinking or what I should think next. maybe not. I confused myself. somehow I went to a page of lines or something. when I went back my time clock started at zero again. I am going to have to estimate my twenty now. why my page went squiggly line. I have no idea. I hate computers, they think they can just do whatever they want. freeze throw pop ups at you, turn off, and a million other things. machines will take over. judgment day is near. no. but terminator 2 could be greatest movie of all time. my occupation is to do what I like - this os my friends away message. a lyric of a song we both think is hilarious. glad to see him with that away message. the stars are bright and big at night - deep in the heart of texas ( clap clap clap) pee wee hermans big adventure. a lot better than big top pee wee. my friend just send me instant message: do you have a pic of prof account. \" he is mad I don\\'t understand him. I\\'m sorry but I don\\'t. me means a pickaprof. com account. I have never even heard of this. should I have. I have no idea. I guess I don\\'t really care. well after accidentally hitting back my time is messed up again and I am going to say it has been twenty minutes. I wonder if I did this right. were these thoughts too forced. ', \"As I sit in front of my computer, trying to put my thoughts into words all I can think about is how tired I am. I am unable to concentrate on any given task that is related to school. All I see in the corner of my eye, is my roommate trying on my favorite black dress. I can't help but laugh, because she just got the sudden urge to try on my clothes. I feel distracted in many ways, because while I am trying to write this psychology paper my friends keep coming in and out of my room. This makes me feel that I am missing out, and I want to join in on the fun. I am also feeling very excited, because tomorrow is finally Friday and I get to see my best friend from high school. She goes to A&M, and it will be interesting to see how life is in Aggieland. This week was stressful and I am ready for a break. I find this assignment quite hard for many reasons. I am not comfortable with expressing my feelings or thoughts to a stranger. I also find this paper difficult because I have so many random thoughts running through my head and I don't want to sound ignorant. For instance, right now I am wondering why our neighbors constantly blare their music. It is very annoying, and is hard to concentrate. Right now the phone is ringing, and I am yet again distracted. I wonder who is on the other end and I am disappointed to find out that the call is not for me. It is hard being a freshman at a huge university such as UT but it makes it a hundred times better because I am rooming with one of my best friends from high school. Right now I am thinking about how much laundry we have left to do. Not fun! I have been writing my thoughts now for about 20 minutes, and I feel as though I wrote probably the most boring paper ever but those were my thoughts that crossed my mind! \", \" let's see. i love him? maybe. he told me he loved me, well, that he liked falling in love with me. wow. this is new. i love being held by him. i miss him when i'm not with him. i think about him when we're not together. i don't know what to tell him. nothing needs to be said though. we like each other. love may come, develop, whatever. it's a good feeling to know that you are loved, not having family and old friends nearby. he makes me feel like i am at home. now that i do have a new home, up in oklahoma. speaking of which, he said he wanted to come with me when i go up. wonder what the parents will say??? oh well, nich likes him and i know they will too. he's hard not to like. so busy, not enough time. should i stay home this weekend to spend more time with him or is that trying too hard? what's trying to hard though, if my feelings are this strong then it shouldn't matter whether or not i try to be with him. obviously he has the same feelings, he only called me every day like five times in the past couple days since he has been busy with his fraternity business. ahh, the good old fraternities. i wish i would have rushed, but then again i am glad i didn't. there is always next year. wonder if it is more difficult to get in as a sophomore?? we shall see. i mean, i don't think greek life is that important. but aparently to some it is. i guess i need to make more friends that are girls. i really do want to become more involved as well. it's just the whole rushing process that i wouldn't like. the getting all dressed up and basically trying to impress some girls. not to mention the fact it seems like competition. one of my not-so-favorite things. i don't really understand it all. i just couldn't be fake like i know some girls are. why bother? i mean, be who you are if they don't like that, then what on earth are you doing? there's no reason for them not to like me. i can't decide whether it's an acceptance thing or not. i don't think i am scared of being rejected. sure in a sense i am. but i think i would take it better if others didn't have to know. i like the perks with a sorority, they seem fun. a lot of time commitment though. i guess i just think that i would see him more often if i were in a sorority, if not that, then i would be just as busy as he is. i mean, i have lots to do now, probably should be doing even more. but still. it's different. poor erik, i wonder if he is still bitter towards his parents about not letting him pledge. it suprised me when my mom said they would pay for it. does she realize the cost? i know she really wants me to get involved as well though. well, i guess i can just ask casey and lauren and other girls how it is. that is if they can say. blah blah blah. nothing on my mind. oh i wonder if lk got the tickets to the live concert. i want to go. but it's such a hassle to drive to katy and back. plus i would probably miss a few classes. let's see, that friday is my homecoming. haha. won't that be great. very unusual for sure, but it will be fun to see everyone. i wonder if they have changed. i know i have. i mean, i haven't seen these people since may. coming here over the summer was one of the most life-changing experiences. strange enough to say, it is very true. i met so many good friends. i met my baby, who. i love. . yeah about that. we've been together for sometime now and he is seeming to settle more or less. which i might add, i thought could never happen. ok, but hold on, we're like 18, no settling allowed. yeah he asked if i would marry him. that was funny, jokingly, luckily. haha. no, funny thought to think about though. marriage. ahh. i really can't wait, no can wait, but i look forward (much better wording) to having a family. i want a happy family and a loving father/ husband. wow, i wonder what guys think about this stuff. i never used to even care about family and husband and future stuff. but since he came along and we've been together. it just makes ya think. good thoughts, nothing too serious. man i love him though. i hope he knows. \", \"I am residing at Castillian for my freshman year. I have my own personal room, which is more than I can say for others. It is very nicely furnished with all of my personal possessions from home. The entire back wall is a large window with a beautiful view of the hills. All the lights can be seen twinkling, which causes a serene atmosphere and a pleasant way to relax. My parents are paying a small fortune for my to stay here as well as for all of the other things I'd like to do. They try so hard to make me happy, but I'm not. I feel a sense of debt to them to succeed in college. I also believe that this was their full intention. We'll call it a bribe. They spit out money as long as I do well. This shouldn't be a problem for me considering grades have always been important to me, and I myself would like to succeed as best I can. The bribe, however, is the problem. I'm cracking, although that term doesn't quite seem to fit my feelings. Dissolving in a container of sulfur dioxide seems to better fit the description. Everything engulfs you at once and slowly eats you away. Your struck with shock and you can no longer feel the pain. You can always try and get out, but since you are dissolving, everything you aim for slips through your fingertips. I have studied numerous hours to ensure myself the proper background for each of my subjects. I go to every discussion session and can explain anything that has been taught in class or the first chapter of each book. When it actually comes to turning something in, however, minute mistakes always seem to add up. Already after the first day of class, I have messed up terribly on homework. I am incredibly stressed out and seeing the results of this assignment (though it's not for a grade nor does the professor use it for anything) made me more miserable. In fact, it actually brought me to tears. An assignment that means nothing to anyone (except obviously me) brought me to a ranting rage and then tears. I see myself as pathetic because I failed myself and because I can crack so easily. I can't say that my classes are overwhelming, though they take up from 9 7 with a one hour lunch break each day. If I had to guess, I would say that I was unsure of everything. I'm unsure of friends, family, boyfriend, classes, grades, time, money, and so much more. On top of this, I'm left for the first time in my life to attempt at juggling all of these things around at once. I'm sure it will all level out in the end and that I'll eventually get the swing of things. As of now, however, I feel like a mere speck amongst better people who are sure of so many things. I only wish I wasn't born with the disease of being manic depressive (and that my grandmother in France hadn't died last week). It only seems to complicate things. Also, as we said in class, stress can bring about depression and visaversa. Perhaps that is playing a slight role in my emotions. All I know is that it seems so much right now. \", 'greetings and salutations all this was written in lower case to emphasize that I have a unique voice that is inconsequential as compared to the throngs of voices in the world there is no punctuation to show the natural tendency of people to take pauses for breath rather than for time I have no idea what to write about in fact whenever I need to write something that seems simple to others, I somehow make it seem quite impossible to me this sucks I want to go play some pool I wish my friends from Houston were here then we could go out to play a game or two or three hey watch out man you are no break dancer though you may actually break something I\\'m hungry I wish I had some of those Ramen Noodles very tasty indeed oh wait I have some ice cream sandwiches food is food here I go again babbling about nonsensical stuff maybe I should go walk around in the halls of Carothers very nice ceiling I like the abstract jackson polluckyness of it makes me remember the skys of india durning monsoon season damn what a fine woman I wonder if she lives on the second floor do I need to see anyone up there oh yeah I do good opportunity to walk with her without her knowing it hey its nathan \"Hey Nathan\" I wonder if he needs any help \"Want some help?\" \"No\" very determined man. I thiunk I should return to my little quest I wonder if shannon is in her room oooooh the door is slightly open lets just go in maybe I should have knocked. nah no need they trust me man I want to go out with her I wonder if she has a boyfriend \"shannon, you have a boyfriend?\" I hope her answer is what I want it to be it would really suck if she did have one I guess I would have to find another girl but that is an impossible task I want to go out with her I want to help her blow her air sofa I want to kiss her for what seems an eternity I want to do math problems with her I wonder how exactly I could prove the triangle inequality maybe with algebra but what about geometrically would not the vectors cancel each other out thats it I have to do it algebraically what about jeffs problem I don\\'t quite remember how to integrate using substitution oh yeah I must find u and dv or was it the other way around \"No\" oh what huh? did I hear correctly am I in some kind of altered reality nope I heard correctly she does not I am so damn lucky I really hate the feeling when one cares for a person but the person does not care in the same way I\\'ll find out from here room mate tomorrow about my chances maybe it will work who knows it may be magic. naaah I doubt that I won\\'t have any time for her I will be like one of those Quake III dicks around my dorm who rather play a computer games than go out with people but instead of Quake III it will be math or computer science speaking of which I still have homework in those classes but thats do friday I\\'ll do it thursday the psych however is do tomorrow what the hell am I going to write let me go back to my computer ahhh I have a soft cushiony chair there is no air flow in here I better open the door. wow what a fox \"hey shannon\" \"hey\" hmmm hmm good its steve I wonder what he wants. yeha I think will help in the pranck but first I have to do this assignment I\\'m hungry what can I eat oh yeah I have ice cream sandwiches. farewell and salud that is all I have to say of my mind a consequencence of being located in a pubescent testerone laid man ', \"Well I'm not sure what to start talking about. It's taken forever just to get this assignment started. I had to set up an if account and all that before I could start. I hate coming to new computer labs, this one is new to me because I just transferred here. I feel totally computer illiterate, so I start to feel like an idiot when the lab people have to go around with me and me figure it all out. But anyway, I'm here now doing it, and I guess you always learn something from these situations. I learned that I need to get my own account set up from my computer in my room, so then I don't have to worry about coming up here and dealing with this. I guess we are just supposed to tell you what we're thinking about and our thoughts as they change. Well all I keep thinking is I wonder what you are going to think about my thoughts and ramblings when you read this. Maybe you'll enjoy it because I sound paranoid and you can analyze me! ha ha I'm looking out the window now at the trees, wishing I was out there and not working on this assignment. I still have fifteen more minutes to write. I wonder what everyone else here is working on. I'd rather be here doing this than doing the physics equations I was working on before I got here. Psychology is so much more interesting than the other sciences. Well now I have an E-mail account. I never had one before. I think it will be fun to be able to send and get mail. Especially because my boyfriend still lives in Dallas and its getting expensive calling each other every day, but it wouldn't be the same not to here his voice. I've never really been in the UGL before, I registered here but I haven't ever been in here to do any work. I probably should have been in here before now though! I think the chairs are to too low or maybe the desks are too high, its just not that comfortable. I guess they want you to sit up and have good posture like they taught you in typing class. There, I lost my cursor for a while. I guess that’s why it says - Who knows I. Well I have to help cook dinner at my co-op tonight, we are having Mediterranean Turkey. I wonder what that’s going to taste like, good I hope. Well my time is just about up so I guess its time to submit my paper. I hope you never read these but even if you do I guess I won't really matter because with the size of our class you don't know me from Adam! \", 'I don\\'t understand how the man with the questions can be the smarter of the two. The man with the answers has to be the smarter. All the man with the questions know\\'s that he know\\'s what he doesn\\'t know and wants to. But the man with the answers know\\'s. Whatever he want to know he knows because that\\'s how the question goes. There\\'s no way for the man with the questions to more than the man with all the answers. One, the answer guy\\'s going to know the answer. And people are always going well does he know how to get the answer?? well of course he does. just ask him how he got that answer. and he\\'ll answer that question. what I don\\'t understand is how this teacher is going to believe and only think that she\\'s right. the answer was completely easy to comprehend. I hate that teachers get so arrogant. just because they know more of the subject they think they\\'re knowledge is invincible against all others. how can you teach others and let them learn if you\\'re unwelling to learn yourself?? it\\'s totally bull. makes no sense to me. always dreamed about being a super hero. guess it\\'s somewhat ironic that my vietnamese name translates to mean hero. I don\\'t know I guess I have some type of super-hero complex. always want to help others always want special powers. always wanted to win the girl. always a dream about this girl. never see a face and can never hear her talk. I can see her figure and I can see how graceful she is. she walks be side me in my dreams. always want to hold her hand but afriad that I\\'ll wake up when I touch her. so I walk beside her and look at her. I know I\\'m going to meet this person. I can sense it. Real into the \"Crow\" look the romantic dark super-hero adventure story. brings out the use of love. people always take love for granted and if not love the good fortune that they get to be with or have a relationship with others. wonder if I\\'m a hopeless romantic. i can see myself taking my date on a walk or just laying there with her and talking. I don\\'t see the sex, not that I wouldn\\'t, or much else. the tai kwon do club at this university is not very well trained. the main instructor may be a good fighter but his form sucks. to me form is the most important part of martial arts. adds gracefulness and at the experienced level makes movements faster stronger and completely balanced. it all comes from form. the traingle is speed balance and strength and not of that comes from bad form. or at least none of those three will continously exel without balance. most people don\\'t see it that way. they think that compromising form for quick speed and strength is better. but they don\\'t look in the long run. just like in chess the game is all about the long run. and with mastering balance, speed and strength will always become faster and stronger. then there are those that are lazy and don\\'t even care for form and try to show off their katas with feet not lined up and hands out of place. with such bad alignment energy will not flow correctly . people get so arrogant and greedy. makes me sick ', \"ok, at this very moment, I'm am in pain, emotionally. Yesterday, I had a bad experience. I saw my best friend kiss the girl that he knew that I had a certain attraction too. It really really hurt, but I have gotten over it. I can't really get mad at either one because first of all, we meet the girl at a club on Saturday night/ Sunday morning and two, my friend is a little more wild and social so he was talking twice as much than I was. The girl called me herself last night, but I told her that I didn't want to talk to her anymore because I had lost interest in her. As for my friend, he told me that he was really really sorry, yet he hasn't come up to me yet to show his forgiveness. I'm ok with it, I just don't understand how something like this could happen. I'm in question though, I don't know if I should be mad or not? I think of one way, which is that I shouldn't let something stupid like this ruin a long, good friendship between my friend and I, or, if it was right to begin with that my friend kissed the girl that I liked after I had told him that I liked her. N E ways, good thing its all over and I'm moving once again with my life. I try not to let this things interfere with my everyday school life but at its impossible to keep them apart. For example, I could not concentrate all day yesterday because I was thinking of what had happened. I didn't read, I didn't do my homework, which is a very very bad thing. The good thing though is that I got over it and I'm back to normal. I guess its just one of those weird once in a while incidences. Today has been a much more productive day then yesterday. I went to go see what color band I would get for the ticket raffle of the Texas vs. OU game. Unfortunately, I got the pink band, which is the least likely to have a chance to get a ticket. No worries, I wasn't really planning to go to that game, I just went to get the band because two of my friends asked me to go get it. I have a glow in the dark stars type of theme here in my room. I had never had the chance to have some in high school, so I finally did in college, and I just noticed that one of the very big stars fell off and is on the floor. I am looking at it this very moment, wondering why I'm not getting up and putting it back in its place. I also have the glow in the dark feet. My roommates, who are like really cool back from home friends say I'm a dork for having the stars, but none the less, I could careless on what they have to say because I think they are dorks too, haha. I see some dirty cloth on the floor and in that pile of clothes is my work shirt with I just happened to remember that I need to wash because I'm going to work tomorrow. Dang that a nice car, I just saw a blue BMW pass by, very very nice car. Tonight, my roommates and I are finally going to go shopping for groceries. Its been a while since we have gone to buy food. Another thing I just remembered is that I need to clean the kitchen, its my week and I have to clean the pig sty (kitchen). I got a ticket to go to the Texas vs. Arkansas game and I hadn't realized that it was this weekend. My roommates and I were going to go home this weekend, but I can't go anymore. They are still going, but I'm not. I'm kinda sad because I wanted to go see my little nephew and stuff, but there is nothing I can do about it now; I'm stuck here in Austin. I told my mom about the situation and she got kinda sad, but I told her that it'll mean more the next time I go down. Typical hispanic mom, she told me that I should of not made any other plans if I knew that I was going home, but that was the catch, that I didn't' know that the game was the same day that I was going to go back home. So what is going to happen is that I'm not going to go home after all and I'm going to the game with my friends. I just remembered that I was going to ask one of the TA's where SEA is, but guess I'll just have to figure that out on my own. N E ways, my 20 minutes are almost up, after this I'm going to hit the sack and take my usual 1:30 nap and wake up, clean the kitchen and go buy food. c-ya \", 'How do we know that everyone is seeing the same color. We all call colors by the same name because we are taught that as children, but do we all see the same thing? When I look at something that is red I know what I am seeing, but I have no idea what someone else is seeing. They could be seeing what I know as the color brown. I am sure that there is some piece of scientific equipment that could prove this theory wrong, but it is still an interesting concept to me. Seeing something through someone else\\'s eyes is impossible. I have no idea how others see the world. If the color theory were right seeing something through someone else\\'s eyes would give an entirely new aspect of things. Red trees, orange apples, the Texas flag would be completely different. It is easy to say, no that\\'s a stupid idea, but if you really think about it it is fascinating. People always use the argument that we call colors by the same name. \"What color is that? Well, its brown. Well I see brown too so your theory is wrong. Not so fast. When we were learning the color names as children we all learned the same names. When someone held up a card and said, red, that is the name that you gave that color in your mind. There is no proof that everyone saw the same color. I do not think that this is actually the way that things happened, but it is interesting nonetheless. I would like to know how this theory could be proven wrong. Just like I would like to know how they can prove that certain animals are colorblind. They cannot see through that animal\\'s eyes, how do they know what it sees. Some animals certainly are colorblind, like the deer. You can wear bright orange when you hunt deer and they do not notice, so they are obviously colorblind. Who is the first person that figured that out? They were either really stupid or really smart. I would never think about wearing bright orange to hunt an animal. I\\'m sure that\\'s not the only test there is to see if an animal is colorblind. There has to be a scientific way to prove it. My 20 minutes is just about up and I have run out of things to say. This is kind of a weird assignment. It will be interesting to see what kind of application this has. I actually enjoyed writing this paper. It is a lot easier to write when there are no set guidelines. ', \" tj just got home and made his coffee. It smells good. I should have made coffee instead of drinking 3 cupsof Earl Gray tea because after two cups I have to pee every 10 to 15 minutes. Is it going to flood again. Looks like it is going to rain more. Ihope the tropical depression doesnt stall causing flooding again. We were sooo close last Nov. Itis about time for a nap. all this reading to do toady. That has to be completed today. My school schedule sucks. My work schedule sucks. Added together = triple sucking. I have NO reading time. I need to settle mom's affairs to that I don't have towork this semester. Rick will help me if the probate isnt over. He is truely manic depressive. His birthday upsetting him so he bought his 57 inch TV and now after the New Orleans deseaster his new Mercedes. Could it be from his Zoloft that he is taking for his premeture ejaculation condition? If your mental state is fine and you takean anti depressant for a medical condition (non mental), can that cause a mental condition itself? Was he trueful with me on the ture purpose for taking Zoloft? Or, is he a scheemer? The plane flying over triggered my thought that I can't beleive that it has already been a year since that traumatizing pictures on TV of 9-11. I have to pee already but I can't since this is timed. But I need to really badly, now that I thought of it. Dinner. What shall I make? Should I save my time and just order Pizza? I hope that my wallet that was stolen in New orleans arrives Monday. I hope that the receipts that I need to return those books are still in it. I am soo thankful that there are still good, honest people left in this world and that one found my wallet. He said that there was no money in it but what other stuff that was in the bill compartment is still there. I need to send that guy something as a thank you for your trouble to send it back to me. What should I send him? Money for the acutal cost of sending my wallet to me and maybe a gift certificate, but from where? I was soooo careful, making sure that my back pocket was buttoned at ALL times, almost like an obsession - constantly checking the button. Leson learned though, don't have your , never mind, strangers shouldn't have to read that thought. I hope nothing is wrong with my niece. I hope that she is not upset that I couldn't chat with her while typing this. Only 5 more minutes left. my laundy is ready to be taken out of the dryer. 4 minutes left to keep typing. I may have to restart the dryer to keep my clothes from wrinkeling. Why did I stop ironing all my clothes all the time. But it feels soooo good to not worry about little stuff like that anymore. I am pleased with the present me; although it is a VERY differnt me. Overall, I am pleased with the present. Getting over Moms death is comming along nicely. Still have my mommy moments though. I guess I always will. Im just glad that the urge to call her every sunday, like I have for years, has stopped. That was VERY irritating every sunday not getting to hear her voice. I miss her. But, thats the consiquence of love. Losing them one day. But man, the number of people that I have lost is astonishing. Damn you Reagan!!! so many deaths on your shoulder. \", 'Oh damn! Wednesday was awesome! please give me some water. My friends are funny and so is this movie the brain is really cool with all its disorders and shit for the love my friends are so sarcastic but I love it and I do it too damn I need to stop smoking I\\'m like a chimney they joke about killing themselves which is really funny because i9 no they\\'re joking I\\'m normally a good writer damn sorry. the critic is awesome and my professor is so fucking funny I lived in midland too for awhile cool I\\'m a psychology major I need gum can I have some. Sweet I got some. I\\'m not suicidal or anything so don\\'t worry I just sneezed and it hurt I hope I don\\'t wake up my roommate this late I\\'m tired it seems like all my professors smoke weed. tight! anyways puppies hahahaha anyway I miss my dog and my dead cat I have ocd not surprising I think its genetic but my mom wont admit it and I just realized how much I love them because I could imagine them at my age and relate I almost feel sorry for being so hard on them almost hahahaha I\\'m hungry I\\'m good at Spanish TACO C sweet! please help me! just joking again. god damn this is so fucking long oohh sexual stimulation like the rat that was so funny the astros suck dave chappelle rox ooooowwwww shit! that hurt. whatever. the simpsons sweet ummm sleep balh blah balh blah blah I can\\'t think my friends are heavy wow I miss my friend in the air force he says it sux : ( like that insert I like my linguistics class this is all bullshit and so is life. why are we here? oohh too cliché sorry I\\'m im I\\'m im I\\'m I\\'m im I\\'m im I\\'m whatever \"because this is my united states of whatever. I don\\'t mind bush or Kerry. they\\'re both right. but I don\\'t see why shit I forgot oh people in Austin are so liberal to the point of offense. maybe I\\'m blind (not literally) sigh puke? no pee oh. I love the graduate and Donnie darko is my favorite movie ever but I actually saw it when it first came out I like I like I like I like maybe its a hotel sorry took a brake oh I think I can actually relate a lot to the movie because my family is just like that children with problems with drugs (psychiatric or other) in a wealthy family with the money craved superficial mom and many marriages on either side and divorce with children all over the place and step dad lawyer asshole. did good in school mental problems family support of prescription drugs grandmother and ', \"Well this labor day was good. i got to spend it with some very special people to me, and also since it was my b-day, I got to have a lot of fun with those people! hehe gosh. i spent a full 3 dayz a way from home, and not a care about school! Well I take that back, since I am doing one of my psy assignments. hehehe. but none the less, I did not really think about homework! hehe it is great! I wonder why everyone thinks I am a freak!! I just don't like veggies! Is that so hard to believe? They just don't taste good to me. much like steak does not taste good to vegitarians! Sheeesh. i take more shit about that than I do about anything else. haha hmmm. soo I need to be getting back to austin here pretty soon, so I can get some of my other work done, and actually go to work! But I really don't want to. haha. why is it that our society has become based on laziness? Why is it that everyone thinks it is better not to work? When did this change from a hard working, earn your living, society come about? Our society is degenerating!! Ain't it sad! Sheeeesh. we could. man. oh well. my 20 minutes is up! GUess you don't get to hear the end of that one! :) \", 'I have done this twice now and erased it both times. I wish I could do it on a different program but my computer is broken and I don\\'t exactly know how to use my neighbors that is letting me borrow hers. I\\'ve been thinking a lot about my family lately. I guess I\\'m finally realizing that I\\'m here for good. I\\'m used to going on long trips in the summer so I know what it\\'s like to be away from home and my mom and dad but this is so different. It feels like it\\'s a point with no return. Even if I live with them during the summer which is a possibility it won\\'t ever be the same. The days of grade school at home are over. I really miss my mom. She is my best friend. Really though so is my dad and my brother Seth. It is amazing how close we are. I feel so fortunate. In my marriage and family class we talked about a healthy and strong family and I feel like my family met most all of the items on the list. We have so many memories together. I\\'m so lucky to have my brother. My brother\\'s good friend died when they were in 10th grade. It was the hardest thing ever for our youth group at church. I miss my church so much. It is such a home to me. My best friends are from my church. It is so sad that I will never be in a youth group again as a youth. I ay end up going on trips as a sponsor or something but it will never be the same. I\\'m at somewhat of peace with the change but it still makes me sad when I realize the little things like not having to rush around on Sundays in order to be back for choir, supper, and bible study. The things that can drive you crazy are the things you miss. I miss my cat. He is so old. I remember when he was a tiny baby in 1988. He find us and adopted us. We named him Kitty Duke after Michael Dukakis\\' wife who we were voting for that year (it was Election time) but soon found that he was a he so we changed it to Duke. Everyone says that it sounds like a big dog\\'s name but oh well. He is an orange tabby cat. It seems like he used to be fatter but maybe I\\'ve just gotten bigger. We\\'ve been through a lot. W e used to play together all the time. I\\'d sing to him when he was a baby. Without my brother I would be such a different person. He has helped form me in so many ways. He is my hero. I think the world of him. I didn\\'t always though, like when he would hit me on the head or do \"gross\" things in my face as a normal big brother should do. But I\\'m very lucky to be so close to him. I try not to talk about him around Caitlyn, Jake\\'s little sister. When he died she was in 4th grade. They were so close. I remember it all like it was yesterday. Getting the call at 6 the next morning. I had seen hi that Sunday night that he died at church and I remember him giving me that half smile that he did and me melting along with the rest of the girls in youth group. I talked to Catilyn about it for the first time this summer since it happened when she was in fourth grade. She broke down one night in Montana when we were on mission tour. We were all sharing what something meant to us and several people ended up relating it to their siblings. She just broke down which was a first. I talked to her and told her that I hated talking about Seth around her because Jake and him were the same age. She said that she loved hearing about Seth but she just wished that she had an older brother so badly. She said it like any other person who had never had a brother would say it. My brother is getting married this summer. It is so strange. I love Lauren. She is already just like my sister. They have been together for four years now. At first I was so jealous because I felt like she was taking my place as my brother\\'s best friend. I soon realized that we had very different places in Seth\\'s life and that there is room for both of us. I have Seth\\' past and we both have his future. My Family and I used to drive to our cabin in east Texas and have the best time. Seth and I would play so hard. On the way down we would always eat at the same fast food place and get burgers and icecream. Seth would always comment on the fresh air as soon as we got out of the car in the woods. It\\'s funny what a family thinks is so humorous that would mean nothing to others. On the way down he would always try to explain the wonders of the earth to my mom and me like the stars and solar system and physics and things that Ginny and Anne Claire Hickman would probably never grasp. That\\'s one thing I adore about my family. We all contribute different things. We are so different but so alike. I miss days of being with just us. We always traveled a lot. I think I\\'m just trying to let go of that time in my life right now. With me leaving for college and Seth getting married, it\\'s a whole new chapter. We have the best traditions. Even food traditions like Chicken and Cheese soup on Christmas Eve and Asparagus on Easter. I hope to start traditions with my own family. I miss my room, my bed, my church, the familiarity of Ft. Worth roads, my boyfriend Blake and his house and my best friends from church. Blake would be a fantastic husband and father. I always say that if I don\\'t marry him than I\\'ll marry someone just like him. I wonder how my parents came up with our traditions. Like every Christmas Eve, Seth and I open one present, an ornament. Mine are always angels and his are always bears. Eventually we added my mom and dad with cats and Santa\\'s. My mom doesn\\'t even like cats. When she was little her dad expected her to like the animals and be near them so I think that\\'s why she doesn\\'t like them. They had a farm. She hated her dad. I can\\'t imagine. When we drive to Oklahoma to see my grandmother, we always have very soul bearing conversations, some of our best in fact. She would always tell me about her childhood because I was so interested. Her dad was so difficult. In two weekends we\\'re all going to Duncan, Ok. My uncle is coming in from Florida so we all are driving in. It will be great. I\\'m very close to my cousins and I really don\\'t see them that often at all. At Thanksgiving when we were little we used to all cram into my Grandmother\\'s house and each get one kernel of corn at our place which represented one thing we were thankful for. We each said it aloud before we ate. Another great tradition. ', \"Wow, this is incredibly hard to follow my thoughts when I am focused on this. It is too hot outside, I really don't want to walk all the way over to Burdine today. My head hurts. College is so stressful, and I feel like I have a heavy weight on my chest. My roommate is annoying. She does not go to sleep until after 3 in the morning, and I can't sleep with the lights on. I am absolutely exhausted. I don't like NYPD Blue. Why aren't there any good shows on when I am actually in my room and able to watch TV? My head is starting to hurt more. I am straining my eyes too much. My chair is in a really awkward position with my keyboard. I don't know how I am going to write for 20 minutes. It has only been 5 minutes and it seems like an eternity. Cherry coke is yummy. Stupid computer! It keeps freezing up on me. I hate technology. Our room looks so unbalanced. My side is really decorated and my VI equipment takes up a lot of room, but my roommate's side is very bare. She isn't a very decorative person anyway. One of my friends is coming to visit on Saturday while her husband is at the UT vs. Arkansas game. I am nervous about seeing her. She is worried about me and wants to spend time talking. I don't know what I am going to tell her, because I don't want her to be disappointed in me. I am such a horrible person. I don't know why I am the way I am. It really hurts. She wants me to go and see a secular psychologist if I get desperate enough, but I don't like psychologists. Especially if I don't know them. There is nothing wrong with me though. It is all a matter of learning to bury bad things inside of you. I miss my friend Amanda. I talked to her last night. Skittles are cute and yummy. They are so colorful. They cheer me up. My heel hurts from resting my feet on my hard drive. I am thirsty. I think I will take a sip of my cherry coke now. Wow, it has only been 11 minutes. My tummy hurts. When I get nervous my tummy gets upset. I really need to wash out my cereal bowl from last night. But I am too tired right now. Maybe later. The weather can't decide what it wants to do. It goes back and forth from being sunny and cloudy. I like it cloudy because the sun hurts my eyes and it is so very hot. Plus I am allergic to the sun, and I break out every time I am in it for any length of time. So not a good thing. I cut my finger on my soup can the other night. I have so much homework to do and I don't know how I am going to get it all done. The Psychology book is so boring. I can't get into it to read for any length of time. I miss my drill team. I won't get to see them until Christmas break. It was such a huge part of my life for the last 4 years that I am lost without it now. My friend Heather has a bad cold. I took her a care package two days ago. I wonder how she is feeling. OUCH! I rolled my foot wrong. That hurt. When are my twenty minutes going to be up? I am getting tired of writing. This is a very odd assignment. I hope I am doing it right. Oh well if I am not. My head itches. Hmmm. That's interesting. My lips are really chapped. They kinda hurt. I wonder where I put my carmez. Just another minute and a half. Hmmm. I hope it does not rain today since my class is all the way across campus. That would not be enjoyable. Especially since I carry my laptop with me. Well my time is almost up. Ten seconds. Yay I am almost through. \", \"I am really tired today. I am also pretty homesick. It is my birthday. I wish that I was at home. I want to celebrate my birthday with my parents and sister. I want to go to my favorite restaurants. Blue Goose sounds really good, but why am I worried about good restaurants in Dallas. I can get just as good or better food here in Austin. I want a turkey sub for dinner tonight. I also want to go to get ice cream from Aimee's with my friends, but I have so much to do. I have to review all of my notes tonight for my classes, plus I have to go to the sorority pledge class meeting at sometime. I better look up the time soon. I am glad I stayed in and studied this weekend. It helped me get organized and feel like I knew what I was doing. Rush really made me crazy. I hope I like being in a sorority. I am scared because I don't party that much, and I don't want it to take away too much time from my studies. I know that I do have to balance my life. I have to make time to meet people nad have fun. I just never feel like I have enough time to do everything. I feel bad that I couldn't go to lunch with Leisha today because I had to read my phylosophy, but I went to run and then to church this morning and I had to get my stuff done this afternoon to be ready for the meeting tonight. I wish that I was at home and could just relax and watch TV. I miss summer time when I didn't have to do too much. I hope all of my friends in all of their colleges are doing well. The birthday card from Amy made me sad. It already feels like we are drifting apart from each other. Even when I e-mail her, I don't know what to say. I feel like she doesn't care what is going on here because she doesn't know all of people I am talking about when I tell her what I am doing. Why doesn't she tell me a lot about her life? I want to know what is going on, not just hi how's it going kind of stuff. I am so happy I know my roommate though. We have had so much fun together, and we keep each other sane. I get scared when I think what might have been if I had gone pot luck. I keep meeting people who have crazy roommates, but I think I really could have gotten a long with everyone. I have met the coolest people. That girl I sat next to in Economics the other day, was really neat. I need to get her number. I like my sailor sis in Delta Gamma, but I am afraid to go out with her. I don't know if I can keep up with all of these UT people. They party way more than I do. I think I am going to go home this Labor day weekend because the parties aren't a necessity to meet people. Anyways, nobody who I talk to will remember me because they are all drunk. I don't understand why I go to these paries to meet people when I can't even have a coherent conversation with people, but I guess they are fun. I am so confused right now, but I think it will all start working out soon. I just wish that I knew everybody instantly and did not have to work so hard at meeting people. In high school I could see anyone and know them. Like at the game last night, I hardly knew anyone, and in high school I could talk to anyone around me. I guess soon enough, I will make new and good friends, but I sure hope it comes soon. Luckily, I have Megan. She has kept me from being sad, plus I really like it in Austin. I love walking around campus and seeing everyone. It is the prettiest campus, and I really like all of my classes. I am really scared about keeping my grade point up. I worked hard in high school and did well, but will it be enough for college? I sure hope so. I know my parents will be happy as long as I do my best, but sometimes I feel that is not enough. I guess I pressure myself too hard. I just have to keep listening to my parents advice to balance my time between relaxing, socializing, and studying. I will do my best. I know that it will all start being normal to me pretty soon. I just have to wait for the adjusting period to be over. \", \"Ok. I'm not sure what to write about. I guess. I'm cold. I'm hungry. And I'm sad. OH! And I was supposed to go to this concert in two days but both of my at home fiends canceled on me. One I don't' really like so it doesn't bother me but Chris has a sorority thing. That one kind of upsets me. See, we planned this concert back when we all realized that we were going to different colleges. We decided to plan something so that we wouldn't for forget each other, but I guess it's happening sooner than we thought. We've all been together for a very long time. 6 years I think. I don't care. I guess it's not that big of a deal. I don't really like being at college. I mean. it's fun. And there aren't any rules, but. I really miss everything about my home. And I don't mean like, home as in my house. I've gone back there and it's totally different. It doesn't seem like I belong there. And I guess I don't. That's what this is all about. I don't like this assignment. It's making be sadder than I was to begin with. Is that the point? I really like my psych class. My calculus class on the other hand. sucks! A whole bunch. Not only is it at 9 [which is an hour that I don't do], but the guy I seriously think is making things up! I can type pretty fast. I wonder if this is going to fit in the little box. I don't type that fast, but I mean. it looked like a pretty small box. I bet it can be as big as you need it to be. that would make sense. Yeah. So anyways. I wonder how long it's been. Oh dang it! I forgot to look what time I started. I wonder if I'm allowed to talk to other people while I'm doing this. Ok. I did. You'll never find out. Oops. I am telling you. Hehe. Yeah that's funny. My roommate said that she thinks that I've been doing this for a while. I think that that means 20 minutes. I'm going to stop now. Ok. I'm not sure what to write about. I guess. I'm cold. I'm hungry. And I'm sad. OH! And I was supposed to go to this concert in two days but both of my at home fiends canceled on me. One I don't' really like so it doesn't bother me but Chris has a sorority thing. That one kind of upsets me. See, we planned this concert back when we all realized that we were going to different colleges. We decided to plan something so that we wouldn't for forget each other, but I guess it's happening sooner than we thought. We've all been together for a very long time. 6 years I think. I don't care. I guess it's not that big of a deal. I don't really like being at college. I mean. it's fun. And there aren't any rules, but. I really miss everything about my home. And I don't mean like, home as in my house. I've gone back there and it's totally different. It doesn't seem like I belong there. And I guess I don't. That's what this is all about. I don't like this assignment. It's making be sadder than I was to begin with. Is that the point? I really like my psych class. My calculus class on the other hand. sucks! A whole bunch. Not only is it at 9 [which is an hour that I don't do], but the guy I seriously think is making things up! I can type pretty fast. I wonder if this is going to fit in the little box. I don't type that fast, but I mean. it looked like a pretty small box. I bet it can be as big as you need it to be. that would make sense. Yeah. So anyways. I wonder how long it's been. Oh dang it! I forgot to look what time I started. I wonder if I'm allowed to talk to other people while I'm doing this. Ok. I did. You'll never find out. Oops. I am telling you. Hehe. Yeah that's funny. My roommate said that she thinks that I've been doing this for a while. I think that that means 20 minutes. I'm going to stop now. Ok. I'm not sure what to write about. I guess. I'm cold. I'm hungry. And I'm sad. OH! And I was supposed to go to this concert in two days but both of my at home fiends canceled on me. One I don't' really like so it doesn't bother me but Chris has a sorority thing. That one kind of upsets me. See, we planned this concert back when we all realized that we were going to different colleges. We decided to plan something so that we wouldn't for forget each other, but I guess it's happening sooner than we thought. We've all been together for a very long time. 6 years I think. I don't care. I guess it's not that big of a deal. I don't really like being at college. I mean. it's fun. And there aren't any rules, but. I really miss everything about my home. And I don't mean like, home as in my house. I've gone back there and it's totally different. It doesn't seem like I belong there. And I guess I don't. That's what this is all about. I don't like this assignment. It's making be sadder than I was to begin with. Is that the point? I really like my psych class. My calculus class on the other hand. sucks! A whole bunch. Not only is it at 9 [which is an hour that I don't do], but the guy I seriously think is making things up! I can type pretty fast. I wonder if this is going to fit in the little box. I don't type that fast, but I mean. it looked like a pretty small box. I bet it can be as big as you need it to be. that would make sense. Yeah. So anyways. I wonder how long it's been. Oh dang it! I forgot to look what time I started. I wonder if I'm allowed to talk to other people while I'm doing this. Ok. I did. You'll never find out. Oops. I am telling you. Hehe. Yeah that's funny. My roommate said that she thinks that I've been doing this for a while. I think that that means 20 minutes. I'm going to stop now. Ok. I'm not sure what to write about. I guess. I'm cold. I'm hungry. And I'm sad. OH! And I was supposed to go to this concert in two days but both of my at home fiends canceled on me. One I don't' really like so it doesn't bother me but Chris has a sorority thing. That one kind of upsets me. See, we planned this concert back when we all realized that we were going to different colleges. We decided to plan something so that we wouldn't for forget each other, but I guess it's happening sooner than we thought. We've all been together for a very long time. 6 years I think. I don't care. I guess it's not that big of a deal. I don't really like being at college. I mean. it's fun. And there aren't any rules, but. I really miss everything about my home. And I don't mean like, home as in my house. I've gone back there and it's totally different. It doesn't seem like I belong there. And I guess I don't. That's what this is all about. I don't like this assignment. It's making be sadder than I was to begin with. Is that the point? I really like my psych class. My calculus class on the other hand. sucks! A whole bunch. Not only is it at 9 [which is an hour that I don't do], but the guy I seriously think is making things up! I can type pretty fast. I wonder if this is going to fit in the little box. I don't type that fast, but I mean. it looked like a pretty small box. I bet it can be as big as you need it to be. that would make sense. Yeah. So anyways. I wonder how long it's been. Oh dang it! I forgot to look what time I started. I wonder if I'm allowed to talk to other people while I'm doing this. Ok. I did. You'll never find out. Oops. I am telling you. Hehe. Yeah that's funny. My roommate said that she thinks that I've been doing this for a while. I think that that means 20 minutes. I'm going to stop now. Ok. I'm not sure what to write about. I guess. I'm cold. I'm hungry. And I'm sad. OH! And I was supposed to go to this concert in two days but both of my at home fiends canceled on me. One I don't' really like so it doesn't bother me but Chris has a sorority thing. That one kind of upsets me. See, we planned this concert back when we all realized that we were going to different colleges. We decided to plan something so that we wouldn't for forget each other, but I guess it's happening sooner than we thought. We've all been together for a very long time. 6 years I think. I don't care. I guess it's not that big of a deal. I don't really like being at college. I mean. it's fun. And there aren't any rules, but. I really miss everything about my home. And I don't mean like, home as in my house. I've gone back there and it's totally different. It doesn't seem like I belong there. And I guess I don't. That's what this is all about. I don't like this assignment. It's making be sadder than I was to begin with. Is that the point? I really like my psych class. My calculus class on the other hand. sucks! A whole bunch. Not only is it at 9 [which is an hour that I don't do], but the guy I seriously think is making things up! I can type pretty fast. I wonder if this is going to fit in the little box. I don't type that fast, but I mean. it looked like a pretty small box. I bet it can be as big as you need it to be. that would make sense. Yeah. So anyways. I wonder how long it's been. Oh dang it! I forgot to look what time I started. I wonder if I'm allowed to talk to other people while I'm doing this. Ok. I did. You'll never find out. Oops. I am telling you. Hehe. Yeah that's funny. My roommate said that she thinks that I've been doing this for a while. I think that that means 20 minutes. I'm going to stop now. Ok. I'm not sure what to write about. I guess. I'm cold. I'm hungry. And I'm sad. OH! And I was supposed to go to this concert in two days but both of my at home fiends canceled on me. One I don't' really like so it doesn't bother me but Chris has a sorority thing. That one kind of upsets me. See, we planned this concert back when we all realized that we were going to different colleges. We decided to plan something so that we wouldn't for forget each other, but I guess it's happening sooner than we thought. We've all been together for a very long time. 6 years I think. I don't care. I guess it's not that big of a deal. I don't really like being at college. I mean. it's fun. And there aren't any rules, but. I really miss everything about my home. And I don't mean like, home as in my house. I've gone back there and it's totally different. It doesn't seem like I belong there. And I guess I don't. That's what this is all about. I don't like this assignment. It's making be sadder than I was to begin with. Is that the point? I really like my psych class. My calculus class on the other hand. sucks! A whole bunch. Not only is it at 9 [which is an hour that I don't do], but the guy I seriously think is making things up! I can type pretty fast. I wonder if this is going to fit in the little box. I don't type that fast, but I mean. it looked like a pretty small box. I bet it can be as big as you need it to be. that would make sense. Yeah. So anyways. I wonder how long it's been. Oh dang it! I forgot to look what time I started. I wonder if I'm allowed to talk to other people while I'm doing this. Ok. I did. You'll never find out. Oops. I am telling you. Hehe. Yeah that's funny. My roommate said that she thinks that I've been doing this for a while. I think that that means 20 minutes. I'm going to stop now. \", 'I just started playing the Smiths. I kind of consciously did that because I wanted to see how that would make me feel while doing this assignment. I think it would be pretty funny if I had put whilst on that last sentence instead of while. Anyways, I had to put it down now because I\\'m now conscious of the fact that I started listening to the Smiths so I could say I was listening to them whilst typing this. There I did it, I put whilst. I also kinda put the Smiths on here probably so that if someone reads this then they\\'ll know I listen to the Smiths. I do that a lot. I specific music whenever people around, I don\\'t know, I guess so they\\'ll think it\\'s cool or something. I\\'ve been feeling really lonely recently. I was thinking about that because I wonder if anyone is going to read this, and if they do, if all this stuff being collected is going to be used so we can learn something about ourselves. I don\\'t really want to hide anything, because I\\'d rather someone tell me what the hell is wrong with me, than type jive like, oh I don\\'t know what to write, blah blah, school was fun today, because I feel really fucked up recently. I don\\'t want things to change, this shit is so gay. Sorry, I know we\\'re supposed to type thoughts but that\\'s still pretty bad. I was happy this summer with a girlfriend and my friends around, but then we had to break up because she went away for college, and I freaked out on her which wasn\\'t cool, but I was just really scared. Yes, this song is awesome. I should probably go to the mental health center, but I\\'m scared of the process of signing up for an appointment, probably more than actually telling someone something, because then I have to talk to real people and I\\'m not so good at that. That\\'s why I\\'m really lonely lately, I don\\'t know how to talk to people, and I\\'m meeting all these new people, and I have no idea what to say, so I just don\\'t say anything. I\\'d kind of really like to meet some new people, because I hate sitting around my room all the time, even though that\\'s all I do. I\\'m scared to like walk up and talk to someone though. It\\'s quite a frightening experience, and I get all nervous when I\\'m around people. This typing is really hurting my shoulder because I\\'m on my laptop. Shit, I just hit the back button. Alright, I\\'m going to keep typing, but this is really gay, now I got to tack on another 10 minutes. Whoever reads this is probably going to be pissed that they have to read a 1/3 more than everyone else. Well, I better not get in trouble for it is all I can say. Speaking of gay, I called my girlfriend, I guess ex-girlfriend, because I want to keep in touch with her, and she told me about how she saw this guy with a Dashboard Confessional sticker and a Smiths sticker on his backpack, and she told me about how she and her new friend went up to him and asked him if he actually listened to good music or not, it being assumed that Dashboard Confession is pretty crappy, (and who\\'s to blame that assumption, with lyrics like, Far away from all the stupid questions / \\'Hey, did you get some\\' / Man that is so dumb\") nonetheless, what the hell is she talking about, she didn\\'t even know who the Smiths were until like a month ago when I told her about them, and I mean, I still think it\\'s funny, but a lot of the music she is into now is from me. I don\\'t know, I think I am just pissed off because she wanted to break up. But, it\\'s perfectly reasonable, we\\'re completely across the country, I\\'m being ridiculous I know, it just ended so fast, and I\\'m still upset. Ahh, this isn\\'t fair, I still have 13 minutes left because I hit back somehow, this is going to take forever. My shoulder is kind of starting to hurt, I think this is a really cool assignment, because it\\'s just stream of consciousness, but it\\'s taking forever, Agamemnon. That\\'s what I say when I\\'m saying Aggh, or something, because it sounds cooler. I can\\'t stop thinking about my girlfriend. I really think I have some sort of problem with dependence, I feel like I HAVE to be around people most of the time or I start to feel sort of depressed, like no one cares about me. This being away from some of my friends and alone in this new environment, is making things worse. My History of the Banjo teacher, that\\'s a freshman seminar, told us we had to grow our nails out longer to play the banjo, and it\\'s driving me crazy, because I hate semi-long nails, they always feel dirty, and I can feel them now whilst I type, clacking against the keys, it\\'s irritating. I think there\\'s something wrong with my smell, I don\\'t think I can smell anything. That wouldn\\'t be surprising anyways, I think there\\'s something wrong with everything about me and everything I do. I always seem to fail at anything I try, I can get good grades, but I\\'ve been missing assignments in college already, which is just compounding things and making things worse. aggh, or I mean agamemnon. I keep looking at this scratch on my arm, where I cut myself with a razor. I don\\'t think I\\'ll do that again, I was feeling really depressed on Saturday, I didn\\'t eat anything all weekend, and I normally regimen my meals very carefully, but I didn\\'t eat anything, and feeling depressed and having read about self-injury, I wanted to try it, but cutting myself with a razor didn\\'t feel particularly painful or punishing, and hardly seemed worth the effort involved, considering you have to clean up the blood, so I don\\'t think I\\'ll bother with that again. I can\\'t even do that right. I\\'ve actually been feeling better the rest of this week, but I kinda want to talk to someone, just because I don\\'t think there\\'s any guarantee I won\\'t feel like I did on Saturday again, and I felt terrible Saturday morning. That was until I did DXM, which of course made me realize that things will eventually work themselves out. I just wish I could manage to carry that feeling over into the real world, because not worrying about things is such a beautiful feeling. I think I worry too much, but I\\'m always sure that as soon as I get by myself no one\\'s going to ever want to see me again and I\\'ll be stuck like that. I wish I could meet some people here, but I don\\'t know what to say. It\\'s hard to just talk to someone, it\\'s always boring conversation, and at the end, they always go their own way, and never want to do something with you again. No matter how good you try to make the conversation, they never seem to want to continue after that, despite reading constantly that the way to make friends is to simply talk to someone. Bullshit. ', 'Aug. 31 Note: I wrote this paper over a week ago and I am just now typing it. You said we could write it down first and then type it. I have finally found the inspiration to write this paper. Today is August 31. The time is 1:30 A. M. I am watching television and at the same time trying to write this paper. Today is a very sad day for many . The new of Princess Diana’s death has just unfolded. It is very strange that every time a prominent \"celeb\" dies the world acts as if they knew them personally. I case in Princess Diana\\'s death the world did kind of know her rather intimately since her life was unfortunately always being publicized. I just looked around my room watching my roommate and another one of my friends gasp in horror of the tragic news. The newscasters are explaining how her death occurred. I think she was a very lucky woman and very unfortunate at the same time. Diana\\'s \"Princess fairy tale\" seems to be more a tale of horror. I keep thinking about her children. I think their mother was the only one who truly let them know what being young and living life was all about. I think that small ounce of joy will die with her death. My sweetmate just walked in. It seems all of a sudden we\\'ve got a party in our room . It\\'s very hard to concentrate on writing this paper and listen to the news all at the same time. The phone is ringing. I hope it\\'s not for me. I always get interrupted when I doing something important. The phone is for my roommate. Her mom calls twice a day at the same time every day to check how my roommate is doing. Maybe she heard the new of Diana and it made her even more anxious to call. Whenever someone dies it always reminds us of what is most important. The time is 1:41 A. M. I am really getting tired and it\\'s hard to write this paper, but if this paper means making the grade I want, I guess I\\'m going to have to force myself to keep going. They are discussing the \"fairytale\" wedding and Prince \"charming\" . It seem ver sad that she only experience the fairytale for such a short period of time. This whole disaster is making me ver nostalgic. I\\'m starting to think about some of the friends I lost in reckless accidents. The only difference is , they died from their own irresponsible actions. I\\'m thinking about a friend of my, I suppose we can call her \"Sorry\" because her life really is a sorry tale. She is a girl who possessed so much potential and ability, but ruined it because she decided she cared more about drinking, driving, and fun more than her future. Her irresponsible ways killed a friend who was in the same car. This friend was pregnant. Two lives lost in 1 instant. Three other lives in the car were saved by fate I suppose. \"Sorry continues to drink, drive, and live recklessly. I have lost alot of respect for her. I kind of think her current actions are more sign of self-destruction. I guess she feels her future fun times are going to be cut off very soon and she might as well have fun while she can. Her court date for involuntary manslaughter is coming up. I wonder how reckless \"Sorry\" can be in prison. ', 'Geez, this long hair gets on my nerves sometimes. Ok, it\\'s 8:35 now. so if I just write till 9:00. This being on a web page reminds me that I need to get working on my boss’s web pages soon. more like it makes me feel guilty that I haven\\'t started yet. Oops, better throw that away. Boy my room is messy, wonder if my roommate cares. He said just so long it was on my side of the room, but . I\\'ll clean later. Though I need to do more homework. (8:37. boy, I\\'m really watching that clock). Japanese is hard. I really should wear chapstick instead of just licking and chewing my lips. Geeze, this room IS messy. I\\'m glad my parents aren\\'t here to see this, or they\\'d freak. They’ll probably be irritated that the last e-mail I sent them was so short. I need to go get my course schedule planned out. I hope I can get my typing speed up, 75 wpm is fast, but I\\'d really like to improve my accuracy. I wonder if I should drop a class and get that job Dan was talking about. Maybe I\\'ll drop PSYCHOLOGY. Nah. Why is it that people don\\'t accept pagans? Ever wonder that, reading person? Do they not realize that all of us are silly fools, and us no more than them? Oh, well. That quote was cool: Once dogma enters the mind, reason ceases to function entirely. Damned if I can remember who it was by. William Wright or something. Man my memory sucks. I caught myself forgetting what I was talking about in the middle of my sentence several times today. It\\'s a wonder I can remember forgetting. Dam, what was I fixing to say? Probably need to condition the hair tomorrow or it will be upset with me. And use my retainer or the orthodontist will hang me with it the next time I go in. It\\'s cool that Jodi finally got her braces off, She\\'s been wanting them off for a long time. She looks much better without them. Looks like Stona noticed (devious snicker). I really hope this doesn\\'t turn out to be too long. Being able to type fast probably means that I\\'m going to get more down here than other\\'s would. I wonder if they make some kind of odor-eater stuff for sandals. This things smell like the north end of a southbound horse. Hey, look John\\'s online. Boy I\\'d hate to be the people reading these. But then, I guess they like reading people\\'s random thoughts, since they are in the Psych department. That hole in the stupid couch-bed here in my room reminds me of the one I cut in our couch at home playing with a razor blade. My parents will never let me live that down. Woah! It looks like my roommate had been home (8:47)! I should be more observant, should have noticed the change sooner. Home. my parents would be very pissy if they found out I was referring to this place as home soon. You know, having to write these thoughts down really interferes with getting them in the head and processed properly. I mean, I\\'ll remember the ones I get, but I\\'m not getting as many as I would normally because I have to dedicate so much of my left brain to typing this stuff. I would really like to be programming but I have so much homework. 17 hours is just too much, but I don\\'t think I\\'d dare take less unless I had a reason. Boy I hope I can fond a job that pays well enough for me to stay down here over the summer and still be making enough to stand up the $9/hr I would be making in Dallas. You know, I can probably spell check this for you. hold on. Ok, well, that\\'s kind of cheating, doing computer stuff while I\\'m supposed to be typing ,but I\\'ll type a little longer to make up for it, eh? I was just checking to see if you were using a form mailer so I could have my emailer check the spelling for you. uh, oh, a message for ME? AHHH! I don\\'t understand this program! Oh, well. OH! I see. Ok. Nevermind. You’ll have to get used to me, I suppose. I don\\'t ever actually ask people questions, I just ask them to stand still while I say a question at them and figure the answer out for myself. The only questions I ask these days are things I don\\'t feel like looking up in the reference manuals myself. I really admire Stona for making those \"What I believe in. \" memoirs. I really should make some of my own. But then there\\'s the book I\\'m trying to write and stuff and that\\'s just too much. AHH! So much to do. Oh, well. Just have to forgo literary stuff to have time for the other stuff. Messy messy messy. Damn, why do parts of your body in contact with other parts sweat like hell? It\\'s not like they\\'re going to get any cooler by it, and your body is wasting moisture, you\\'d think that that would have evolved out. But then, I don\\'t suppose that animals rest in contact with themselves often. I wonder why Casey didn\\'t take my Contact when I offered it to him. I finally have a book he shows an interest in reading, so that maybe I\\'ll get to loan HIM books for a change, and he turns me down. I really wish he\\'s come visit, he just keeps driving down to SA, like Austin isn\\'t even on the way there. And to see MY girlfriend. I\\'ll just give him a guilt trip and he\\'ll come by. Or at least, stay away from janice. Great, that means that now Janice will think that Casey has time to go down and see her but I don\\'t and Casey lives even further away. Super. She\\'s going to be thinking that, I know. (8:57) This is long. But it is easier to do than I thought it would be. Maybe I should do this more often. It\\'s a lot easier than a journal, and seems to g o a little faster. Go. I think I\\'ll write a game of Go. That sound easy and fun. yep. Then I\\'ll let Dan and his happy functional programming self make the AI. Nope, there are some things I will NOT write in here. Thank you. I wonder how accurate Pennebaker\\'s lie - detector tests really are. I wonder if some Yoga guy came in that has awesome control over his heart rate and blood pressure and sweating and stuff, if he\\'d be able to fool it. I wonder if I would. Prolly not. I suck at controlling my breathing rate. Which is really cool. Hey, person reading this, I have a recommendation for you: Meditate. Cross self-hypnosis with the meditation method of your choice. It works great. Trust me. Ok, well, it\\'s 9:00 now. I hope you help someone with what I\\'ve written here. Thank you. Bye. ', \" So, i'm like, I have NO idea what to write in a stream of consciousness for 20 consecutive minutes. So, I guess, I'll just start off with a recap of the week. Nothing. You've got these 15 minute classes (woo-hoo), then a whole day afterwards to blow. That goes on for a few more days, then. Hey hey! A three day weekend. Blah, like I really have much of a life to actually spend those 3 days having much fun. But, it was a break, nonetheless. The last break I'll ever see in my given lifetime. Well, I headed home. That was the plan. Head home, leech off the folks one last time for a while, then I'd get back to my studying . Well, suffice to say, I'm back, and I guess you could genuinely call this studying . &lt;Changing mp3&gt; same auld lang syne . What an awesome slow song. Mellow. Sad. Right, so. I'm boring you. A computer. A simple man-made machine apt in dealing with 90% of my socializing. THANK YOU AIM. I've got stupid art history to read up for. Thirty something pages I do believe. God, I hate being sick. Just my brilliant luck, I get home, and the sniffles begin. Then a drippy nose. Then the stoppage. Ugh, Vicks is my new best friend. This song is making me sad. i got to sne3eze. *whew* Violent. Gosh, I hope i can succeed in college. Off to a pretty bad start. Me, uncertain of what major I'd stay in. Writer's block sets in, here. The song's almost over. Hehe, It's kind of funny to think about. Ever since I got here, all i did was sit in front of this computer and downloaded away at my heart's content. I got movies, I got Jap Crap (the beloved japanese anime), and i got music. Did you know my music collection is about 2 Gigs right now? I've got another gig stored away on CD. Hah, I'm such a loser. My self-defeatist attitude can't be good for me, but it helps me get a laugh. You know, it really pisses me off when people have no sense of humor. &lt;song change, brb&gt; Another slow, mellow piece, by Jim Brickman. He's an awesome pianist. I like to play the piano alot. When *secretly* i do it to please people. Wahaha. My (un-)superior piano skills gets all the chicks. Don't i wish. It's not like I'm that good either. I had what, 9 years of classical training (which by the ways sounds pretty good on a transcript), but it's not like the teacher was all that great. Grr, I really hated her. She made piano the mainstay of what I should be doing. She really didn't care if I intonated that I had some project due the next day. I had to sit through stupid hour-long lessions, only to come home all feeling defeated. God. It's not like I ever really practiced either :). I lied a bunch when filling out practice charts. It's like: Oh, yeah. I really DID play those 50 minutes every day. What total BS :). Oh, Am I supposed to curse? Can I curse? I swear to myself everyday not to do it, but it's really starting to creep into my vocabulary. hah, I've been typing so long, and constant, I bet my roommate is wondering What on EARTH could this guy be typing for that long anyways? Hehe, oh well, he's cool, not much to worry about. Man, I was worried all weekend that strangers I didn't know would pervade through the room and take my stuff. I'm paranoid that way you know? Some unfortunate event from the past always haunts me. Stupid burglars. They stole my stuff. I've been scared since. That's a story I tell everyone. Man, I have some major psychological problems. Hope this class sheds some light. You know, ever since I took Psych in senior year, I've had this very strong fascination towards this field. Heck, if I stayed on this course, I could become a doctor! Study interesting stuff, AND get lots o MONEY! But, I guess, I shouldn't let my ambitions get too far ahead of other pressing matters. Sixteen minutes and 30 seconds past. This assignment goes by pretty quick. This is really fun. You know, sometimes I really DO do this. Sit down, and just talk and rant about nothing for an extended period of time. It's fun. it's enlightening. Sometimes it's downright hilarious the things i write down. Hmm, I wish I were funnier. My friend Jonathan has the best wit you'll ever see. Awesome with satire and sarcasm, he's the best guy to turn to for a laugh. Hah, just thinking about our antics I crack a smile. Oh boy! an IM message. Too bad I can't answer it. Ok, well, i'll take a peek. Hey, we're playing basketball at gregory. I'm still feeling sick. I wonder if it's wise or not. I could just walk on the track some. I really don't feel like running around, aggrivating my sore throat. Ok, ten seconds left. Make the most of it. Hah, cya later. Sweeeeet! I can still write after the 2o minutes. But I guess that they'll only grade the first part. Ahh, this assignment has really brightened my day. Fun as heck. Well, I'm out. Later. \", \"My neighbor from across the hall is letting me use her computer because she is online. I went to Kinsolving and the lab was closed, that stunk. I'm very tired because I did not get very much sleep last night. Some girls on my wing and I were going to go to some Frat parties, but we wound up staying in the dorm and watching movies. It turns out one of my roommate’s friends is also in this psy. class, I thought that was really neat, although the class is so huge, it doesn't surprise me. I haven't seen very many of my high school friends here at UT, I really didn't want to talk about college because that is the other assignment, but it seems to be the most foremost thing on my mind right now. The Cowboys are kicking off their season tomorrow at noon!!! I worked for them for about nine months, so I am somewhat obligated to watch, that and the fact that my step-father has been a fan for 23 years or so. I was able to get him a bluebook autographed by Troy Aikman for Father's Day this year! I really enjoyed giving that to him I love giving gifts, it's my most favorite thing to do!!! I love to make people happy and some people think I'm crazy for that, but I think it's great. That's another reason I have enjoyed my intern ship with the Cowboys so much. When I get a letter about a sick child, my heart sinks and to know that sending something from the Cowboys will make them feel better or at least distract from the state they are in. Let's see 7 more minutes of writing. My roommate and I were talking about our special talents, I told her mine was finding holes in sidewalks!! Yes, if I walk down Guadalupe, I WILL fall in every hole and look like a fool in front of at least 20 people that happen to be walking by!! That is something else, hey!! I just found out that my step-mom got a new car, and my dad bought her old one from her. This is a man who says he cannot send me $100 a month, but can take a two week vacation to South Dakota and buy a new car in the same month!! Anyway, that subject somewhat depresses me. ok 2 more minutes of writing, I can handle it, hey I'll bet you can tell I'm a slow typer now, can't ya!!! Well it sure has been great talking to you. And as our good friend TEX would say: Goodbye and good luck. \", \"I am beginning to think I am committing to too many activities. I want to be involved, but maybe I am doing too much- I wish I did not have eight o'clock class on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I hate having to get up early- I need to buy my Chemistry book and Biology book still. Books are so expensive-oh well- I am excited for the football game this weekend! It will be nice to have Monday off- It smells like Lucky Charms-probably because I just ate some- I need to get a transcript request from quad C to transfer my chem class from this summer to here- I need to go by TOPS pics to look at pics from the other night- I need to call my camper back- I should do some reading for my classes tomorrow- I am excited to do the SHINE program for the nursing school. I wonder who my professor that I get to help out will be. I need to look up hospital info online so I can decide where and when to volunteer this semester- The people who live above me constantly make loud noises- are they obese people or just loud stomping walkers?- I can't decide if I want to get my nutrition book- the teacher does not require it-but it may be beneficial- I need to get some more picture frames for my room- I love pictures- I am excited about a new skirt I bought today-wow I really got a good deal on it- I like shopping too much-ever since I have been in college I feel like it has become an addiction-from school supplies to clothes- I love how random my thoughts are right now- I need to talk to my parents about sorority stuff and my credit card- that was a bummer when I got denied today at the coop-I should have just used my other card-oh well- I can't decide if I want to go to the ranch this weekend-it seems pointless to go but then again it is only an hour away-hmmm I want to download some ringtones after this- I can't believe it's almost September- wow the summer flew by-pretty soon it will be Christmas- I love hanging out with Katy-she is so sweet- I can't wait to go to the rodeo sometime this year- My neck has been itching lately in a random spot- I wonder why- It would be fun to go on a random date-I wonder who will be first-Brandon or myself-hopefully myself-I need to be able to move on, but yet with a friend- It's going to be kind of random meeting up with Kelsey tomorrow-gosh and she wants to sit with us-of course Court is already busy-I bet that is the only reason she has called- I hate when girls do that-girls need to learn time management with friends and guys too! I want to lay out by the pool tomorrow-hopefully it will be nice and sunny - \", 'The day I moved into Jester was a rainy, cloudy, and gloomy Saturday. The whether showed how I actually felt inside. kind of sad, glum, & anxious. It was hard for me to leave Houston at first, but now that I\\'m settled in and have started classes now I feel somewhat better. I miss what I\\'ve left behind, what is familiar to me, my friends, family, pets, and yes, my radio station 97. 9 THE BOX. I love Houston and will go back to live there again one day. I also miss my house, my room, and my bed too. It was kind of like my comfort zone. Whenever I had a problem or felt sad about something, I could hide in my room, my parents would try to comfort me and I would sleep away my problems. Well, I know sleeping doesn\\'t solve your problems but it sure makes them seem not so bad after a nap. Now that I am in college, I will have to keep my head up and make new friends so I can lean on them when I need a shoulder or helping hand. I also feel anxious about meeting new people and talking to my professors. At first, to someone new, I might seem kind of shy, but once they get to know me they can see how I really open up and seem a little crazy too! But it\\'s sometimes hard for me at first to open up to someone and just be myself. I don\\'t know why, it just depends on how I feel at the time I guess. There\\'s also a little bit of fear inside me that makes me feel doubtful as to whether I will find my \"niche\" or my group of friends that I can hang out with. I have ran into a couple of my friends from highschool that I have been doing things with lately and that makes me feel good. Whether or not I want to join a sorority is something that I will deal with next year. If they seem cliquish and stuck up, I don\\'t think I want to join one. maybe I\\'ll go rushing and see what they\\'re all about and then make my choice. I\\'m also curious about what I will get out of my college experience. Will I find my future husband here or get a good job right after I graduate? Will I struggle the whole way and stick it out, or will I give up and drop out? Just to let you know, I plan on doing my best and graduate in a couple of years. I have already been to each of my classes once and my mind is about to explode with all the information that was given to me. The professors told us what to do and gave us a syllable, now it is up to us to do it on our own time and to manage it wisely. I seem to think that it will be hard to keep track of all my assignments and homework. I hope I can stay organized throughout the year and not fall behind in any of my classes. I feel like I could get lost easily at such a big university with so many students. On the other hand I do have some positive emotions about college and my new experiences. I have a fresh start at a new life (with no parents!) and I can be whatever I want to be and do whatever I want to do. There are so many things on campus and in Austin to get involved with and do. and the good thing is that it is my choice! I just hope I don\\'t blow it! ', 'Why do I always analyze things to the point that I completely stress myself out about it? I find myself doing this time and time again. I feel stupid, I can\\'t believe that I let Jaime set me up on a date with someone that I don\\'t even know. To top that, I barely know her. What was I thinking? The way that she is talking, he is the most gorgeous guy she\\'s ever seen; however, I am really scared that I am going to be really let down. I know that sounds really negative, but I guess it sounds too good to be true. It doesn\\'t make sense to me how this whole thing works anyways. Your sorority tells you about a party that they are having, giving you only two days notice to find a date. To me that is completely weird. I just don\\'t have the guts to go up to some random guy and ask him to go to something that I\\'m not even sure will be fun myself. Oh well, it will all work out. Now, on the other hand, I\\'m all about going to the pledge line tomorrow. I couldn\\'t believe that someone asked me. It made me feel so good inside to know that I was one of the few girls to get asked! I don\\'t know what my problem is; it just seems like I can\\'t stop thinking about how much weight I think that I need to lose. It seems to be the only thing that I think about any more, and I don\\'t know why. I don\\'t think that there is anything wrong with me, but then again, maybe there is . You never can tell any more. All I know is that there are so many things going on and not enough time. I wish that my body wouldn\\'t go through such big \"swings\". One minute I am bursting with energy, and the next I can\\'t even keep my eyes open. It is as if a person is holding onto my heels and making me drag them for hours on end. After dragging them for so long, you just can\\'t drag any more. This tiredness that sweeps over me comes frequently throughout the day, but , without fail, it comes each day between 2pm and 5pm. I want to be like others that are comstantly energetic, skinny, and seem to get everthing done with no problems at all. I guess that is only a perception in my mind that only sees things from the outside instead of how they really are. Does that make sense? Why can\\'t there be more hours in the day. I feel like ever since I have gotten here, all the time in my day has flown by, and comtinues to fly by without even slowing down. Which is fine with me as long as I don\\'t leace things that are really important to me out. Unfortunately, this is what I have been forced to do because I my new schedule. Before I came to school, I worked out daily so that I could relieve all of my stess, and feel good all at the same time. Now I can\\'t even find time to get to class--much less work out. I wonder how Nolan is. Is such a sweet little boy. Ever since he was born I have loved those kids, and had a compassion for them that no one else could ever have. I can\\'t believe that Catrina came up to me and asked me about Ryan Murphy the other day. I mean talk about digging up painful things that have already been buried!! Whenever she said something, every bit of hurt and anger inside of me came back like it was just yesterday that it had happened. I need to put it past, and forgive and forget. That is at least what I know I am supposed to do, but it is so hard! Why do I get attached to people so easily? That is one thing even I will never know. ', 'I\\'m tired, I just cleaned our apartment and now I\\'m tired. But I feel satisfied that I cleaned the whole place. My roommate is extremely messy and is hard to live with at times but I\\'ve known her for 15 years and I love her to death. Now my mind is being tracked to when we met at the baseball field when pur older brothers were at practice. Evan, my brother is now is Africa and I miss him a lot I think it hits me in waves. I wonder what it\\'s like there, hot and rainy I suppose but I wonder if he misses us as much as we miss him. I think he probably does he just doesn\\'t hank about it as much as we do. My boyfriend lives in College Station and I miss him too. It feels silly at times though to have this person you love and car about so much to have them so far form you let you still can keep close. Technology is incredible. I\\'m able to talk to Evan once a month. He\\'s in Africa for goodness sake that\\'s an ocean away. I talk to Michael every day usually more then once. Now I\\'m getting hot, and I\\'m so thank ful the ac just flipped on. I find it hard to believe people were ever comfortable without the air conditioning. This summer at the camp I worked at we didn\\'t have an ac in the cabin and I got used to it. I fact I would get cold when I was in the ac. But still the comfort of it is much better than without. I miss camp I miss my campers. It\\'s the one place that I really feel at home way from home, I am so confident there. not that I\\'m not here I just have been there for ten years and have grown up there. All my best friends are there. Of course I have other good friends but there just f=something about living with someone for three months that gives you a new look at them . They learn your morning routine and you there\\'s it comfort thing because someone else knows you so well that they know how you wake very morning. I miss those guys. And it\\'s not like I can\\'t call them or even hang out with some but I don\\'t. Isn\\'t that strange that I love these people so much yet I don\\'t call and hang out either them. Yes they call me and sometimes I don\\' t call them back because I\\'m nervous. Why? I don\\'t understand my strange want to be with people but my stronger want to be alone and watch TV and just do nothing. I need to start working out again, I t has been so long since I have I think I would have more of a desire to get up and go if I had more of a pep \"I just worked out\" kind of look on life. I really love Lance Armstrong. He had inspired so man people to get in shape and be healthy and support the fight against cancer that you just have to respect that. I also respect him because he had the same cancer my daddy beat. That was an awful time in my life. Freshman year found out that my dad has cancer. He\\'s fine now but wow that scared me he wouldn\\'t be here for so many things that he has seen it\\'s incredible. Medicine is absolutely incredible. It makes me appreciate everything he does a lot more. Funny how even when he was going through all that awful stuff I was pretty unaware. My parents kinds kept us in the dark. Not like I asked but we just didn\\'t talk about it. I feel like I really don\\'t know what happen to him during those months except that he got better and now he\\'s doing great. I wonder if he still thinks about it everyday or if he\\'s let that terrible memory flee from his mind. Wow he is one funny man, he can say anything and I\\'ll laugh but I guess that\\'s how it should be. He should be my hero. I wish every girl had a daddy like mine I think the world would be a make more relaxed kin of place. He always makes every tense situation funny and more laid back. My mom is the opposite and I wonder how hey have been together for 29 years when they are so opposite . But I know she loves him and I think he loves her. He does he just doesn\\'t always shoe it in front of us but I\\'m sure he does to her. He\\'ll do really sweet stuff like on Valentines Day. I think she just needs to relaxes a bit and realize that not every situation needs to blown out of proportion. Wow that was really neat. ', \"Today has been the worst and most stressful day ever. All I want is for something to go right! I tried to dot his paper about thirty seconds ago but it didn't work because again I've messed something up! I was talking about this in my last stream of consciousness paper that I thought was gone but realized after I had erased half o of it that it was really still there! AAhhh! Can something please go right? My Ethernet card was not properly packaged and is causing me and a few others serious drama because we've all been trying to make it work for four days now. I don't even know if I'm supposed to push enter when I get near the end of the line but I figure better safe than sorry as far as grades go. I just looked at the clock and I've only been writing for four minutes. Why does time go by so slowly when it counts. Speaking of timing, mine is the worst! I always like guys either before or after they like me but never while they like me. Whenever I like a guy I'm to shy, stupid, scared, immature to let him know, and by the time or if he likes me I have lost interest! Or they never have interest in the first place and I find that challenging and will pursue that guy instead of the one who likes me! Or in one case I'll find out that after liking me four two straight years, he decides to change sex preferences when I like him. AHHH! Actually I had my chance and now I'll have to live with regret forever, or until he wants an opposite sex relationship! Ten minutes to go and I'm running out of self-deprecating and embarrassing stories of my miserable unromantic life! I want someone who respects the fact that I'm not a traditional female and that likes my odd sense of humor and is also funny himself and finds me attractive. . Which reminds me as I look above my roommate’s computer of another guy who I let slip through the cracks Even though there was a slim chance of anything ever happening, I never acted on my feelings, Wait a minute I did spill my guts while playing truth or dare with him and other friends. I wish I could play truth or dare with the other guy I like(d) so that he'll know that it was me and not him that kept us ;apart, I liked you then and I liked you up until I found out there was no chance for us and I resented you a little! Someday I'll get up the courage to tell him! It is about twenty degrees Fahrenheit in my lovely room in Jester East on the tenth floor. The air Conditioning vent is blowing right in my face as I type. I have been having stomach problems all day, and they are starting to resurface, I almost passed out at the draw for the football game against Rutgers this Saturday, I refuse to paint my face half orange and half white as my roommate hopes I will. One minute to go and I'm starting to feel relieved that I wont have to think about this particular assignment ever again. Five percent of my grade is secured and pretty soon I'll be doing those psych experiments and that will be easy too. I'm majoring in psychology but I used to want to be an architect. Oops, I got carried away and wrote one minute over, now it is two. \", 'Right now my thoughts are geared toward wether or not I just submitted a blank page because I hit the tab button so I could write in paragraph form and then boom. the screen said you have submitted, thankyou. But anyways I hadn\\'t even started. Right now I have no idea what I am supposed to be writing, the assignment seems to easy. Usually that means I\\'m doing something wrong. Right now my thoughts are concentrating on thinking of things to write. I feel like I\\'m in a sort of mellow mood, after all, there\\'s not much excitng going on right know. I have calculus to do and I almost don\\'t want to pick up the book because I know I won\\'t be able to do some, andthen I may get a bad grade on the homework. That means that I will get a bad grade in the class unless I do perfect on the tests. Well, I wish I knew how to type, not that this assignment would go by any faster. Sensations? Well I\\'m sitting on a chair, I can feel it supporting me. I have this habit of biting my lips, so I can feel that to. Only bite the inside of your lips because then they don\\'t look all messed up all the time. If someone reads this they are going to think strange things of me. I wonder if the box keeps going, yes it does. Wait. agh. a drink of water. More sensations!! I felt the water coldly flow down my neck where I imagine it\\'s being mixed with luch. which was a 9 inch sub from \"PO Boys?\" At least it was relatively healthy, but it\\'s more expensive than Wendy\\'s. Oh man I hope that somebody doesn\\'t call because I might have to write this over again. Or does the computer automatically kick you off the internt when you have been on for more than 10 minutes and not done anything, that would be bad. Does that mean that I would have to go back and write this all over again. Well, I can\\'t wait to get this done because I get to relax for one damn second of the day. I\\'ve been up since 7 walking around carrying ahuge bag on my back. It makes me hunch over because if I stand up straight then I would fall over. I hope I don\\'t have a bad back when I\\'m older. at least I\\'ll be smart. Wow I\\'ve already been writing for 15 minutes, probably about the wrong stuff, but hey. Another sensation is my fingers hitting the keyboard. And I can see the keyboard. My cell phone just rang, I could hear that. Well, anyways, this whole 20 minute thing is leaving me with nothing else to think about. I wonder what other people wrote, actually I could care less. Their interpretation of the directions is no better than mine, but anyways. I really hope this actually submits. after all, it is the last minute. I\\'m glad Paul reminded me. ', 'Well this is the first writing assignment of the semester. You had said in our first meeting that we could write out a rough draft before we submitted this copy to you. I figured that since this is a stream of consciousness writing that it would be best if this were written straight to you without proofreading or rewriting. Well today I got back from visiting home for the Labor Day weekend, I\\'m feeling really homesick right about now, I think it\\'s even worse than when I first left home for the first time to move to UT. But I\\'m sure as the week goes on, I\\'ll adjust again. I think that as the year progresses and I visit more often, the coming back to school when the weekend is over will get a lot easier, because it will become I routine type of thing. Have you noticed that I\\'ve started all the paragraphs, with the exception of this one, with the word \"well\"? I think that\\'s a word I use to start off thoughts that I don\\'t know how to start off. I don\\'t know if that\\'s good or bad, but who really cares, right? This isn\\'t Rhetoric. The first football game is this coming weekend, my first Longhorn football game ever. Of course I\\'ve seen games on TV, but being at the game is always better and more exciting. Just the like the San Antonio Spurs, I always watch them on TV, but being at the game is so much fun. I just learned this weekend that someone from my graduating class is in my psychology class. This isn\\'t a person that I ever talked to, in fact, I never even knew who he was until a good friend of mine started dating him. I\\'m guessing he saw me in the class when we first met last Thursday, I didn\\'t see him though, as you know, there are 540 people in that class. Last night as I was falling asleep, I started thinking about the homework that I need to get done. Then I started thinking about this writing assignment. I couldn\\'t fall asleep because I couldn\\'t remember when this assignment was due. In my head I continuously thought, \"Is it due the 15th or the 5th?\" Of course, I\\'ve always been this way, I always seem to contradict myself. In elementary school, I would lay awake at night trying to remember if I had finished all the work that was assigned to me. I would literally get up every night to check my backpack to make sure it was all finished and that I had put it all into my bag for the next day. I have a feeling I\\'m going to be this way in college, my biggest fear is FAILING. I know that if I work hard, I won\\'t, but I can\\'t help feel this way. Wow, has it been 20 minutes already, yes it has. I got a class in 20 minutes. This was fun, got to go. ', 'I have so much work to do and it all seems to just pile up on me. In highschool I think was so used to just doing things the nigh before and I knew I could get it on but now that I\\'m in college I can\\'t be doing that stuff. I had a weird dream when I took a nap after my 3:30 class. I drempt that I was at my physic teachers wedding and I was in the third row I believe and the lady he was marrying who was a chemistry teacher was mad that me and my friend were there at the wedding. The rings they were getting married with were being passed around and they both had big pearls on them. Right before the ceremony began my physics teacher looked back and recognized he had two former students at his wedding [me and my friend] and he smiled and then the dream ended. I kind of freaked out, I\\'m not sure why. When I woke up I wanted to call my friend and tell her about the dream. I didn\\'t end up calling her. After I had been awake for a while I started thinking about my Junior year in highschool [which is when I had my Physics teacher], he was a pretty good teacher, I really learned a lot that year. My parents are coming up this weekend for the UT game, I get to see my little brother so I\\'m real excited for that. I miss him a lot. I just ate Wendy\\'s a little while ago and I\\'m stuffed. I\\'m exhausted, my mind and body are very tired. Last night I fell asleep around 1:00 and that\\'s the earliest I have fallen asleep since I\\'ve been here in Austin. In between and after classes I find myself napping and I think that makes it worse because at night I can\\'t sleep at all. Me and my roommate really get along, I like that. Okay I think I\\'m going brain dead, or maybe its because I\\'m tired. I\\'m happy I\\'m getting this out of the way now rather than the day before, I know its not a big deal but still. It helps to just finish these things a little earlier than expected. I love Austin so much. I miss my friends back at home but I don\\'t miss the Valley, which is where I\\'m from, Edinburg to be exact. It\\'s\\' funny how things just fly by so fast, I wonder if college will fly by as fast as highschool did. who knows! I feel overwhelemd, not just with reading and school work but with other things beside that. My parents expect me to bring all A\\'s and I guess that can be possible but come on, I don\\'t think I\\'ll get ALL A\\'s through college. I just want to do well enough to get into the graduate school I want to go too. Another thing that\\'s bothering me is the whole boy problem thing. My boyfriend goes to UTSA and its not the long distance thing that is bothering me, it\\'s the whole \"being tied down\" part. There\\'s so many people to meet here and I care about my boyfriend a lot but he messed up once and my ways of thinking about him and I have altered in a sense that could there really be someone else out there for me? My mom says I\\'ll never know unless I \"venture out\" and see what could be out there. I think I\\'m the type of person that is nice, maybe too nice. Why do people take advantage of that? It\\'s not fair. I think I need to be a more stronger person when it comes to certain issues. I guess these are just the typical girl problems. It\\'s funny how guys don\\'t really care or think about things like that. It\\'s also funny how guys minds are so much different from girls and how their views are completely oppposite. I really need to catch up with reading in Psychology, I think that\\'s the only think I\\'m a little behind in, as far as reading. I want to have a good semester and leave during the Christmas holidays knowing that I did my best as far as that semester was concerned. Today in Astronomy we talked about the stars and how old they are and all that stuff and today when I was walking back from Wendy\\'s, I couldn\\'t help but look up at the moon and stars and then reflect back to my Astronomy class. All that stuff is so cool. I would LOVE to go to the moon that would be cool, but its one of those things I want to do but probably wouldn\\'t do it if I could. Well time is almost up and I enjoyed this a lot. Bye! ', \" It's 11:30 and my roommates still aren't up. Do I like them? Do I hate them? It's goes back and forth. I'm sure they have their good qualities, but damnit - it's 11:30. I am now feeling the sensation of eye drops in my eye, and dripping down my cheek. I have pink eye - who gets pink eye except little kids? I guess I do. Thinking, what am I thinking. I am hoping I do not gain weight at college! Last night was fun, it's nice to meet new people even though some of them were scary! I can't believe that guy got beat up! I hope I don't fail out of college in my first semester. Rumor has it, at UT they give you the first full year - then it's tough luck. We'll see. Maybe my homesickness will vanish before it majorly appears if I m home after a year. Home - I hate home. No I don't, I love it. But some of the people I had to escape. Andrew, I thought I loved him! He loved me! What the hell happened? Why won't he try to talk to me? I'm not a bad person - or am I? Jesus, I tell you - I just don't have a plesant history with the men. I need to brush my teeth. The Raisin Bran was really nice though - I can still taste it. It doesn't taste as good when the morning breath is mixing with the flavor of such sweet cereal. I wonder what my brother is doing. What my friends are doing, what my parents are doing! I hope everyone is OK. I hope my parents are doing well. I hope they're adjusting to having no kids at home. I really miss them, they're the best. I have to do well here for them. I wonder if they'd let me move back in with them. I could do housework or yardwork for room and board - sure, they'd like that. No work for them, just plesant little Beth home again. No, I'll do fine. It's up to me to do what I need to do. I wonder who's going to read this. I wonder what they'll think of me. I hope I don't have psychopathic tendencies! That would be great - there's that girl Beth, PSYCHO! Haha, I wonder if that's what people think of me now. ISn't it funny you can go through life and never know what another person is thinking? I mean, sure, you can say you know - but the bottom line is you never really will. That's so crazy. Most of the time I don't even know what I'm thinking! Wow, this world is really crazy. This assignment is making me philosophical. I kind of like it. Do I sound like a genius? Oh, IMs are popping up. How nice it is to be able to speak to people over the internet. It's kind of sad though. I'd much rather talk on the phone - or would I? I suppose it, like everything, has it's ups and downs. I wonder what Andrew is doing now. If he's met a new girl. Or even if he's hooking up with my friends. Or should I say, friends . Craziness. You think you know a person. What am I talking about? I knew him for four days. But he'd never had a history of being an ass. I wonder what'll happen when I go home. WIll anything? Everything happens for a reason. I'll just keep believing that. I wonder what tests I'll get into for this class. I'm interested in the experiments. Hmmm. I am tired. I can't smell a damn thing. Or can I? That smell of nothingness. Is that even something? It has to be, otherwise it wouldn't be there. Yes, I am smelling nothingness. It's not too bad. It would be awesome if nothingness had a wonderful smell, like cherries, or fruit. But then I wouldn't appreciate the smell of those things otherwise, so I suppose nothingness is better. Wow, God was smart. He had it all planned out. I wonder if he's watching me now. I hope I'm not disappointing him. Sometimes I think I'm a disappointment. But, I'm not so bad I guess. My roommates are still sleeping. Who are these people? Am I a bitch? I can't help it - they're nothing like me. NOt that that's bad, but we share nothing in common. I wonder if they hate me. That would be funny. Another story to tell the kids. Crazy Beth and the roommates that hated her. I am so weird. I am so tired. I will go to the gym. I will lose weight so I will go home and be sexy and hot. No, I'm not doing it to go home, I'm doing it for me. I want to be confident. I wonder what it's like to be confident. My stomach is grumbling. Wow, along with smelling nothing, I am hearing nothing. Well, that's not true - aside from the clicking of the keyboard I am hearing something similiar to silence. Even though it's not silence - there are faint sounds of insects shirping and doing their things, but it's close to silence. Or is it? I don't think I've ever heard, or experienced silence. You can't hear silence can you? If a tree falls and no ones around to hear it, does it make a sound? How the hell am I supposed to know?! I would like to sit down and have a little chat with God one of these days. Maybe I should go to church more often. Well, maybe I should go to church period. But I've been before and it never answered my questions. It just made me wake up earlier. I used to be scared of Church. I think I was 10 years old and questioning my existence - is that healthy? I know it made me different. Wow, I am an interesting person. I'm so suprised that I've typed to this extent. I hope all goes well and I get credit. I really like this psychology stuff. 500 people in a class - that's crazy. And I know no one. I will meet people. I can't imagine standing and talking in front of 500 people for an hour and a half. Jesus. I don't know if I could stand up for an hour and a half let alone talk that long. 20 seconds. That's all I have. Well, God Bless America. God Speed. \", \"It is kind of hard to just do this on the spot like this. Well, let me see. I am thinking about a guy/friend that I have. He is not being very honest with me. It seems like he is trying to trick me into thinking that he is a really nice guy, but I know better now. He is just going behind my back. He got this new girlfriend and we had been going out before and we had agreed to stay friends, which I thought was a really good idea. But now he is trying to leave me hints to his new girl, but he won't just come out and say anything. He is just being really dishonest. Now I am thinking about how bored all of the reader of this project. How you all may have a real problem and I am fixated on stupid stuff. I am sure you that whoever is reading this must thing I am a really big idiot. Well when it comes to problems I am. I can't ever seem to settle things without messing up. It is such a shame that I can be good at stupid things like science, but I can't seem to solve anything without being upset. I guess I am so worried about what the other person thinks that I just ignore the fact that I need to look out for myself too. You know I can't really understand why I need to reveal my thoughts to some complete stranger. I guess it isn't a bad idea because all of this is kept confidential, but it just seems like the people that I have been trusting have be really dishonest, and I am not just talking about the guy I mentioned above. There is a girl who I really got to know this summer, but she was also dishonest. Maybe I am just a really bad judge of character. This would be a lot easier if I could write it down. I wouldn't have to keep backspacing all the time. My fingers are already getting tired and I haven't really been typing that long. My roommates alarm keeps going off. Why doesn't she just get out of bed and make us both happy. I am really a happy person in general. I mean I have my problems just like everyone else, but I am usually pretty pleasant. I must sound like an idiot. Why the hell do I even care what you think? I am never going to really know who you are and you don't know who I am. I mean you have my name and all, but you don't know me. And you can't know me just thought a little writing assignment. I wonder what you guys are going to do with these. I can't really see how you could do a complete project or anything. I guess you all have some reason. You know, I think I should be told what this is for. I mean I am just typing and thinking and I really don't know what this is going to do. La La La La La. Now my mind had drawn a complete blank. I mean I am always thinking; it is just that I am thinking about how there are so many more interesting things to think about. My typing skills have really improved since I have been in college. I mean I used to have to look at the keys, but now I don't; it is really nice. I wonder how that happened. I think that I always knew how to do it, I just didn't trust myself. I mean, it is still more comfortable if I look at the keys and I can go a lot faster, but I make more mistakes. I think that is because when I am not looking at the keys I am looking at the screen and I can see when I mess up. WOW! All of the statements I have made have been so profound. You would think that I would think about things a little more important. Hmmmmmm, like what I wonder. I could think about pollution or racial inequality. Maybe something like the deficit. The thing is I think more people are more concerned about them selves not the problems of the world. I bet the first thing that someone would write would be one of their problems. Ha Ha! Interestingly enough that is what I did. WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE GOING TO DO WITH THESE! I really want to know. I don' t know why it bothers me so much. I think I just need to relax or something. OK, it has been a little over 20 minutes. I am going to go eat something and watch some TV. I hope my brain interested you. \", 'crit. term; it is weird how we hold on to memories; or even more depressing is the idea that I often want something so bad only to realize, why\\'d I make such a big deal in the first place? regardless, I caught a lot of criticism from people in my town on attending UT; I come from the \"bible belt\" and well UT@Austin is not the ideal \"institution\" in that I was often told \"they are really liberal up there\" or \"watch out for those weirdos\"; ironically the bible belt has one of the highest alcoholic rates around, goes to show how prevalent hypocrisy is no? that goes to say; oh I am reminded of Plato/Aristotle\\'s \"allegory of the cave\"; I say UT as a place to \"get out of my cave\" and as Thomas Wolfe says, \"you can never go home again\" semmingly depressing at first, this statement became quite refreshing to me;; I mean aren\\'t I here to \"find myself\"; it is weird I made such a big deal about being one of the like 2% that will not change their major (business) but now I really want to major in English and Theatre and teach; however it is quite a \"campus issue\" in that my parents want me to do business; in a way expectations can be bad, I mean think about it, when people expect too much from an individual they feel obligated to live up to those expectations in which failure is not an option *sigh*; and is never being satisfied a bad thing? if someone \"settles\" for something are they compromising themselves? or just being content? or can it actually become an obsession in which you never get anything accomplished? be that as it may I think one should never put themselves in compromising situations; like my two really good friends, who are girls, I often hear stories about how nice a guy was to them. I get soo aggravated because I know the guy is just \"giving them a line\"; sadly, I relish in the idea of \"I told you so\" and I often make or ask my friends to humor me and say \"cornell is right, cornell is always right\"; these two friends are high school friends and that is definitely a dominant fear in my life as of yet; they say you never really keep in touch with you hs friends but rather that you make all your friends in college; oh well \"que sera sera\" or something; oh Doris Day, music is slowly losing its place or relevance in society; I was raised on 60\\'s and 70\\'s music; I love to find people my age who know songs from that age. I\\'m soo AFTER my time. :); I think that life exp. shape a person; I mean the first five years of my life are a blurr (misspelled that word in a 5th grade spelling bee *sigh*, but I beat our hs valedictorian that year. hehehe) anyway due to like divorce and other problems I don\\'t feel like disclosing; I fell I matured more quickly than others my age who come from \"functional families\" or whatever; my favortie saying is \"well if I\\'m too big for my britches, it\\'s time for a new pair of pants\" (I made that up. good no?); and furthermore I think that people are brought together by life exp. For example, my \"lunch table\" consisted of people/friends that were all from broken homes. but I can honestly say it is pretty neat now because as a result of divorce I have two great sets of parents; and with my parents the respect is still there, yet is like we are all like friends; I can tell my parents anything. well not anything; but it\\'s like we have \"grown up\" conversations and stuff; and those who are sheltered are really going to have a hard time in life. because out of resent and curiosity they are or may go crazy after hs. hmmmmm that\\'s just my opinion I could be wrong. but that very seldom happens :) ', 'Sometimes I like Stream of Conscience writing because when I write fictional or nonfictional stories, that is usually the style of writing I use. I used to write a lot when I was younger and planned on becoming a writer. I stopped at about the 6th grade because that is when I began to focus more on school. I think that middle schools and especially high schools place too much emphasis on grades. Those institutions should be places for students to WANT to learn, but now it\\'s all competition and people care less about what they actually learn and get out of the class and care way too much about whether they get an A in the class. Now that I\\'m in college, I\\'m trying to start fresh and actually become passionate about the classes I take, whether they are required or not. I still have no idea what I want to be when I \"grow up\" besides a movie star. I\\'m open for all sorts of things. When I applied to U. T. I wanted to be a big time advertising CEO, but then I decided that would be selling out too much. Within the last couple of months I thought about dental school and becoming a dentist, but I still don\\'t know. I would really like to be a movie star and I plan to save up money and go to Los Angeles 2 summers from now and just live on my own for the summer and audition for jobs. I know so many people go there and do stuff like that and still don\\'t become famous I haven\\'t even taken a theater arts class since the 9th grade! I don\\'t think taking theater classes do much though, unless one wants to be in theater, but I don\\'t want to stage acting, I want to do films. I think in films to start out with all you need is a little talent (which I think I have) and a good looking face/body (which I am working on. haha) So that\\'s my plan so far. I haven\\'t told really anyone. My best friend thinks that I am going with her to backpack in Europe next summer, but I can\\'t afford it at all. I plan on working at a pool hall next summer so I can make a lot of money and save up for my next years apt. and my famous L. A. trip. I would also like to take a bus to New York sometime and live independently. My brother Danny did that a few years ago and wrote in a journal the whole time. I would love to get that kind of experience and keep it in a journal. I should probably get a journal now so I can record my little experiences right now, but so far nothing spectacular has happened. I thought that since I\\'m a freshmen in college I\\'d be meeting TONS of new people and be going on a billion crazy adventures, but I haven\\'t at all. Most of the people at U. T. are from my high school (I have at least one person from my high school in each class) so it\\'s hard to branch out and meet new people. I\\'ve also been stressing over money lately because I have to pay for everything (books, tuition, housing) myself and I haven\\'t had time to think about doing fun stuff. I just got a wristband for the Texas/OU game, I\\'m not that interested in football though. I like basketball a lot and can\\'t wait until UT basketball season starts though. I would like to make the most of my time in Austin, since it\\'s such a beautiful and fun city, but I don\\'t know when to start. I\\'m going to Dallas this weekend, so maybe next weekend I\\'ll hop on one of the buses and tour the city. Sometimes I like not knowing where I\\'m going. I just like to relax and look at all the things around me and see the sights of Austin away from the campus and the tourist parts. One day my sister and I took the wrong bus and it went throughout the more ghetto/barrio part of town. It was real interesting to see the different people get on the bus. We saw 3 cute little boys around the ages of 9,10, and 11 and I admired how independent they seemed for such a young age. They got on the bus not knowing where they wanted to go, but just decided to go anywhere and I overheard them say \"We\\'ve got 2 hours, where do y\\'all want to go?\" I think I\\'m mature compared to my peers at times because I had a dysfunctional family life growing up. Through high school though, we moved into an upper class neighborhood and I attended a very affluent high school which I sometimes felt like a liberal outcast amongst a bunch of conservatives. Some of the things people at my school would say about poor people really pissed me off. But it\\'s been 20 minutes so I will finish up. This was very cathartic, I should really invest in a journal! ', \" I wish travis would stop switching channels on the TV. actually i wish my internet was hooked up already. then i wouldn't have to be over here in his getto room. granted he is like my best friend from elementary that boy needs some help. or maybe its just because he is a boy. i have a few other friends that are guys that have issues with cleaning their rooms. but for the most part by this time in thier life i would expect them to be able to clean up after themselvesm. maybe my expectations are too high. i know they can be to high for my self sometimes but if they werent then i wouldnt' be here at UT. i would have just stayed at home and gone to community college. So in that respect i am glad to have standards that are maybe too high. it keeps me interested in whats going on. ok so travis is talking to the tv, now i know for him this is normal but still it seems odd to me. For a 19 year old i wouldn't expect him to be watching nick jr at 10 in the morning. i mean he was the validictorian of my class shouldn't he be studying or watching something educational or at least more mature? i dunno. i think he is going to the game with me and some of my friends. im a little concerned with how they are going to treat him. he doesn't come off as the straightest guy you've ever met. infact he doesn't come of as straight at all. although he claims he only likes gals. i don't really believe him and im kind of just waiting for him to come out. in high school he was the only male cheerleader in the history of the school and its a small school. he wasn't good at it either but the school couldnt' say no to him because they thought he might sue if they didn't let him in. so they did. but then when he wasn't allowed to dance with the female cheerleaders he threw a fit which really didn't go to his straightness accredation. but i know one day he will just be like kendra im gay and i'll be like i know its about time and then life will continue just as it always has. ha reading rainbow is on. i haven't watched that show in forever. i didn't even know it was still showing. i knew mr. rogers retired. i grew up on that show. i grew up on all of PBS. i was really big into it and my younger brother just wasn't so when he was old enough to say what he wanted to watch it was something like power rangers or ninja turtles. he would throw a fit if i was watching pbs. he didnt' learn to read as fast either. im sure their is a correlation but i think its mostly because i was an only child when i was learning to read and my brother always had me getting in the way of his alone time with mom. but luckily for him he gets all the alone time with her that he can handle and he's in high school too. i think its just too funny. now mom's retired and always home and while i used to be jealous of the time they spent together -her always helping with his homework she would always go to his class parties and such - now she follows him around just so she won't get bored. i mean i know how often she calls me just to make sure i've been locking the doors before i go to sleep. i almost feel bad for him. almost. except he gets more parental funding still being at home and never having a job. i never asked for money like he does. i can't understand where his money goes either. he doesn't go anywhere he can't drive. but still he has no money. other than food i don't know where it goes i think he just puts it in a shoe box until he can afford a video \", \" Ok so my roommate is sleeping & I have til 5 when my scuba class is started to do whatever when I am done writing this. . . I think I'll get online & talk to people like I normally do. . talk to my friends in RR since I haven't met too many peopel down here. . . well I've met them, just haven't gotten to know anyone. So I'll get online & listen to music. . . I hope I can get another job offer since I want to go camping on the 13th-14th & my training for the Frank Erwin Center is o nthe 14th. . man I don't want to tell everyone to go sat night & tude on sunday because we already talked about going friday afternoon. . of course even going friday afternoon they have to wait on me to get outta class at like 2 I believe but still. . tehy'd hafta wait til I got out at 6 pm on saturday if I did get a job at the Frank Erwin Center. I need some kind of job so maybe I should just go to the interview & try to get the job. . it won't be that big of deal if we wait til sat & I could even meet them up there if it's a problem. . . I want to work at Urban Outfitters though because I coudl get discounts on cool clothes & room accessories & it's closer & prolley less demanding that working as an usher. . Of course being an usher would be cool because of free concerts & stuff but at the same time I wouldn't be able to sit w/friends or anything at those concerts but it's ok. . . & starting rate for the FEC is $7 which is more than I was making at Red Hot & Blue. I think any job would pay me more than Red Hot & Blue. . except of course Cadiz but that's not a real job. . . Man 20 minutes is a long time. . Tru LIes was a good movie last night. . Ultimate frisbee was fun once half the guys left. . . I had no clue what was going on when there was 5 on each team but when it was 3 on each team I got better because there was less going on. . plus the guys had no choice but to throw it to me. . . There were only 3 of us. . we won though & I scored a point & assisted the winning point for our team so they couldn't have been that disappointed to have the girl on their team. . . I can't wait for the Two Towers to come out this winter. I'm so mad that Kim lost that book! Harry Potter 2 will be very good too & I know Jess is like counting down the days. . I can't believe Jess' mom. . Jess & I will always be friends despite the fact that I'm in college. Jess is gonn agraduate & come here anyways. . I need Jess to make me laugh. Bitsy is my giudence counselor friend & Jess is my fellow geeky to laugh w/friend. . you need both kinds & I'm glad I have both kinds. . even though Bitsy has headaches all the time which aren't her fault. . I feel sorry for her but at the same time, she's a wimp. . & her many boy problems & many boys starring her down do get annoying. . that was so funny when Kim noticed that after being w/her for like 10 minutes. of course she wAS TALKIGN a lot more than she normally does that night after working first night at Red Hot & BLue. . I was excited the first night Todd talked to me too. the boy is gorgeous! Too bad he had a girlfriend. . not that that would mean we would've hooked up or anything. . just would have been nice to know he was available. I am drawing a blank on what to write now. . this fan kleeps blowing my hair & it's annoying me but I know this room gets hot when you sleep so I'll leave it on for Cindy. . i NEED to put a tack in the bottom of that paper there because that thing kept me up for like an hour last night. . I was so tired last night. I can't believe it took me so long to fall asleep. maybe I'll just take Cindy's idea & take a nap for a bit before my scuba class. this scuba class better be good because I really wanted to take a karate class or a self-defense class. not for the actual use of self-defense like the wussy girls taking that class. . I want to know that I can kick someone's ass if need may be. . I think I could put up a pretty damn good fight if I really did get mad enough. . even my play punches are hard acording to others. . that makes me feel like a butch girl though so I don't appriciate it when I am told that. Use those arms Ugh! I shoulda stopped! Oh well! & the phone is ringing but she's asleep so she won't answer & there will be a message & that stupid machine beeps until you check it-good no message. . \", \" Well, all I have to say is that it is very hot in here. The air conditioner is broken, and beads of sweat are trickling from the back of my neck down into my chair. I hate being hot. I would so much rather be cold than hot. However, I could never live in a really cold environment. Texas is my home. I would have to kill myself if I lived in Michigan or something like that. Just imagine, waking up at 6am to go to work, and having your car door frozen shut. That is my hell. I think the perfect place to live would be California, Southern Florida, or of course Hawaii. I am going to be one of those old people who move to the beach when they retire. My husband will have one of those fishing businesses where he takes tourists out for a fish in the ocean, and I get to laze around the pool all day. My grandchildren will come and visit me, because it will be an easy way for their parents to have some time alone, because every kid loves the beach. Oh the beach. I love the feeling of the sand through my toes. The salty air running over me, the feeling of the water on my feet. I love the ocean. I wanted to be a marine biologist when I was little, but then I found out I would have to be good at math and science. and that is DEFINITELY not me. I do love marine life though. I've been to Corpus Christi a few times in the last couple of years, and both times I have dragged my boyfriend to the Texas State Aquarium so I could go and see the animals. especially the sea otters, they're my favorite. I hear the aquarium in Monteray, CA has a bunch of sea otters. I would love to go there. I have only been to California once, and that was just for one night before I went to Hawaii the next day. What a great state Hawaii is. I don't know why the government doesn't pay for a family to travel there once every couple of years to make the stress go away. They do that in France you know. the government (or your insurance) pays for trips to the beach because of it's natural healing powers. America should do that. If we knew we were promised a trip to Hawaii every year if we didn't committ any crimes, and we payed our taxes. everyone would comply. There would be no more murders, rapes, robberies, or anything of the sort. And if anyone is ever pissed off at the government for anything. well it will all be forgotten after a couple of strawberry daqueries at a swim-up bar in a 5-Star hotel over-looking the Pacific. They say that having an aquarium releases tension, well just imagine going out on the ocean and seeing dolphins jump next to you on the boat, and whales splashing their tales. That'll do you good for 10 years! God I need a vacation. Just a little weekend one will do fine. Maybe just to San Antonio, or back down to the coast. hell I'll even settle for home--free meals and shopping in Fort Worth might cure some ailment. But I am pretty sure that the beach is my best bet. The best is late at night on the water. The stars and moon reflect off of the ocean, and everything is still except for the sound of the pulsing waves and the cooling breeze. I think I'll start packing my bag now. Damn, I don't have a swim suit. I'll stop at Target on the way out. \", \"being new in Texas and on a strange campus with a lot of different people that I've never met, and have no idea what their backgrounds or thoughts may be is weird to me. back home this wasn't the same. All my friends knew me and I knew them. They didn't care about my little flaws. My family was there to support me and care about me. now, I'm hear. alone and people are starting to show their real colors. At first the girls on my floor were accepting and sweet, but now everything has changed. They have this different feelings and thoughts about me. I may have done some things to upset them, just like they have done to me, but I am a forgiving person. I do not hold grudges like others. Which my sister says is a bad trait. guys down my hall, who used to be nice to me, now make fun of he way I talk, the way I dress, just generally me. its hurts a lot. I'm not the kind of person who shares my feelings with others very easily. I try not to let the things they say hurt me, usually they are just joking around. but, it still does hurt. no one likes to be made fun of. Maybe I'm scared of what people think about me. maybe I'm nervous and afraid because I'm in a totally new atmosphere and situation and nearly everyone else has their family and friends nearby, if not living in the rooms with them, the talk to. People who know about their mood swings and personality. but, I don't. At first I didn't think much about all this stuff. I was having a good time in rush and with all the new people I have met. But, things have changes and I kind of wish I had chosen to go to the school where all my home friends went instead of starting anew. but, I guess the reason I'm hear is because I wanted to get away. or at least I thought I wanted to get away. one thing I don't' really like to do is burden people with my problems, especially people I don' know. they usually end up telling me that I should think better about myself or that what I'm thinking isn't right. but, no one really knows what's right for me except me. I tell myself every night that tomorrow I'll try to be a little better at this and try to change that about myself, the things that people get annoyed with so that people will want to be my friend. but, I can't change how I've grown up. my family values have thought me how to be nice to others, but I had to learn on my own how to take it when those people that you think you're the nicest to and like the most can turn on you in a second. that just because you might say a nice thing about someone, that's doesn't mean that the next day they'll remember or even care enough to stop people from hurting you. My mom calls about three times a day. We're pretty close. but, when I was at home she'd annoy me because she always wanted to talk and be around me and I thought I just wanted her to go away. but, no its different. I call her too. I tell her everything that's happened to me that day and ask for advice. I thought I would be that kind of person, but I was wrong. I can't wait to go home and be with people that really know me and accept me right away. I don't' remember the last time I had to work at being someone's friend. I wish I didn't have to write this for so long. I just feel like I'm babbling about the same thing over and over again. I can't type very well either, so some of my words can only be read by dyslexic people. its alright. I'm trying to be as honest and open as possible. A couple of years ago I used to cry everyday. About nothing about something it didn't matter. I was going to go see a psychiatrist. I've never been to one but was always intrigued about what would happen if I went. I think for a little while I'd tell me parents that I HAD to go to one. I convinced them. I dot' know what that was all about. just a phase I guess. I'd still like to go to one. I can't see how someone could like the job of hearing other peoples problems for hors on end everyday. That would be totally crazy. When people tell me their problems I just think about mine and feel bad for myself. I guess I'm self centered or something. I hear people talking in my hall and wish that I could go out there too, but I promised myself that I'd get some work done before I went off to class. I really haven't eaten a lot since I've been here. I skip breakfast don't' eat lunch or dinner. Its crazy. My appetite has totally left. the food is really nasty here. Oh well. When I get home I'll make my parents take me out to a nice dinner. My boyfriend used to take me out to nice dinners, then for some reason her totally stopped. I'm kind of materialistic. or, at least that's what he'd say. but, I learned o accept it because I loved him. or at least I thought it was love. I don't' know yet, and I'll probably never know until I find someone who I feel the same way or more about. That hasn't happened yet. okay, times up. \", \"I have too much to and not enough time to do it. I hate feeling stressed. I really wish that I could just snap my fingers and have everything be done for me. When I get like this I can't concentrate on anything else. I feel like I need to just start doing the things I need to do and everthing will be okay. I am also really tired, and I know that I am not going to be getting much sleep anytime soon. I am frustratd about my computer. I need toget everything hooked up but I have to wait until someone helps me. My roommate is very messy and I think I will not be able to handle it for much longer. I wonder why my parents haven't called, and what my boyfiend did last night. I am excited about this weekend. I can't wait until the football game. I am nervous about a Pre-cal quiz. I need to get a hold of my professor, but I don't know if I can. I also need to start reading. Too much to do and not enough time to do it. I should of prepared earlier. I'm trying to think about what else is going through my mind and I'm having troubles doing so because that's all I'm thinking about. I'm wondering how hard my classes are going to be. I am excited about this class and my speech class, but not chemistry and Pre-cal. I am reallt worried about my Pre-cal class I need to go to tutoring or something. I have 5 more minutes to type. I feel like I am different from some of the girls in my sorority, and that scares me. The whole sorority thing is overwhelming. Once everything gets started things could get better. I feel like I am writing in a diary that people are going to read. I think I worry too much. I wish that life could be easier. I feel sorry for my parents. I hate community baths. People should not be so gross and messy. I really just want to go back to bed. This assignment is done. \", \" Well here i am writing this assignment don't know exactly what to make of it but i will give it a try. College has definetly been a weird expierience so far frat life is very different than what i was used to back in my home town. My friends are acting very differently even friends i knew close in high school are pretending like the don't know me and its strange. don't get me wrong i have nothing against branching out and meeting new people but i still like to keep in touch with my friends but i can't seem to do that. Huge decisions permeate my life right now, i mean people keep telling me that the decisions i make over the next couple of years are going to affect me but it seems like the decisions i make right now affect me the most. Whether i join a christian fraternity or not its all so strange. People are often so complex and strange. I guess thats why i am a Psychology major. The mind is so complex and even today hasnt been mastered. For example how do i know if what i am typing here right now is my actual real thoughts and not something i think abuot thinking merely for this expieriement. What is real. . if it is just electrical impluses interpreted by the brain then what is real - Morpheus. Just thought i would throw that in there. don't get me wrong i know in my heart the foundation of my life but already in the first chapter of this book i have beef with this writer. He explains coincidences in our lives as totally unrelated and people use extra ordinary beliefs in superstition or God to explain them. I don't believe that at all how is mr Myers so sure he knows what a coincidence is anyways? Too me it seems there are too many coincidences in modern day life that they lose their coincidentibility and some greater power has to be in control. I willingly get up every day knowing without a doubt that The Creator of the Universe has sacrificed himself for me and i can't tell you how great a feeling taht is. Knowing that no matter what mistakes i make during the day His blood will cover me. Evolution is a big tub of crap. How can something come from nothing. . its impossible defies the system of physics? Even if one buys into the Big Bang Theory which is a load of crap where did that first star come from? SOMETHING CANNOT COME FROM NOTHING. . and the way that things are spiralling downward the farther and farther we push God out of the picture. The more we take Him out of the Pledge of Allegienace and our money the further we dig ourselves until He comes back like a theif in night and to be honest i can't wait. For the wisdom of man is the foolishness of GOD so the smartest man on our is a fool compared to Gods infinite wisdom. I guess Jesus just encompasses my life which is why I must place Him in this paper. I know Psychology is where God wants me but I watch guard to be sure taht human s don't think they know everything heck even Freud had some akward ideas about sexual behavior in children people are human God is not that is simple. This 20 minutes is actually very long how can i sit and write this long. WHy am i listening to 311 right now i mean i got the song yesterday but i didnt think i liked them but i guess they make some good music. These shorts from Foleys are the bomb they only cost 5 dollars. . they are plaid. Joshua keeps talkin to me and interupting me and hes whacked up. . he is the most judgemental person i have ever met he thinks he can predict the future and it really makes me mad. Hes so certain and hes so wrong and it blows. I did laundry today and it didnt take long but i didnt take anythign with me so it just seemed like forever You know what is the worst thing ever when girls come to your apartment and steal your dvd's without asking taht is about the worst thing ever. I am kind neat like that and i like to account for all my DVDs and when they are taken without me knowing i like freak out. I wonder how many college guys look at pornography. . i bet its allot. i wonder if girls look at porno probably not but ya never know. Why would yo go to A&M i mean its a terrible school. Welp time is running out so i guess this is winding down but i hope i gave some insight and hope everything turns out well \", ' Yaaaaay. I\\'m doing psychology things. I\\'m really tired. And I wish I didn\\'t\\' have to study so that I could go to sleep. I also wish I could type faster. I\\'m glad I\\'m here. Because being almost anywhere is better than being in Baytown. Except for being in Houston. Houston is all concrete and construction. But UT has squirrels. And lots of them. . What am I going to say in the whole 20 mins. I have to say anything I want? . Will people actually read this?. I guess I don\\'t care if they do. Because I\\'m the type of person that thinks it\\'s pointless to write for my own enjoyment. I get enjoyment out of other people reading what I write and then them enjoying it. . Hmm. I miss my boyfriend. Even tho he made me ANGRY last nite. He\\'s still a nice and good boyfriend. On another totally random note. I\\'ve got this pimple on my face. Hahaha. It hurts! And it bothers me too! I want it to disappear! Not that it makes me look bad. I actually think it makes me look somewhat cute! hahah. That\\'s kind of weird. Oh well. I wish I had a memory card for my playstation so I can finish Final Fantasy 8. At this rate. It\\'ll take me YEARS to finish it. But maybe this is for the better. So I can study instead of play, because I would definitely be playing that and Metal Gear Solid. But. Only on weekends. Hahaha. I\\'m a girl that plays video games. I\\'m weeeeeiiiiiirrrrd. I wonder if I can get that job at the LanCave. I would be EVER SO HAAAAAPPPYYY. That would be awesome. It doesn\\'t seem hard at all. just like the same stuff I did at eb but instead of renting people games I sold it to them. I don\\'t miss eb at all. I wonder if Julia left yet. That place is the devil. And video games are the spawn of the devil. . I wonder what Marky is doing over at UofH. I hope he\\'s having fun and he\\'s not regretting his decision to go to UofH instead of UT. yah. We used to be big UT heads. Then he changed his mind and I changed my mind. And then I changed my mind again. And the I changed my mind back again to UT and now here I am. Woot woot go me. I think I\\'m getting carpal tunnel syndrome. I hope there\\'s free therapy after this writing exercise. blaaaaaaah. I haven\\'t met very many people that are into stuff that I\\'m into. Except for Maryam. I can\\'t wait to meet some other dorky kids that are into videogames and Japanese and cute fashion stuff. I want to go to Anime Club on Friday. But I will be going all alone because I\"m sure that Ashley will not come with me. But Maryam might! I totally forgot. I will call and ask her. But that means that I have to give up Wushu practice. Maaan. I have such big dreams. But I have no idea which ones to follow. That gets frustrating. Okay. If I decide to give up Wushu. Then maybe I can get into fencing. or maybe even Kendo. But wushu is so neeeeaaat! but I don\\'t know if I even have the strength to do it. it\\'s crazy. maybe I should not do and just try again next year. No hard feelings, I hope. I don\\'t even know if I\\'ll have money to pay for that. I hope I get ANY job on campus. I\\'m. just. Bleh. I hope I get to stop being so anti-social. I\\'m not really anti-social. just a bit shy and cautious about who I talk to. I think that\\'s a good thing. However, it can be very lonely. My wrists hurt. I wonder if my brother is having fun at home. probably not. Lol. He never seems to be having fun when he\\'s alone. Aww. Now I feel bad for leaving him. Maybe he\\'ll be encouraged to invite his friends over to hang out or something. I don\\'t want him to be all lonely like I was as a junior in high school. . I wonder if my older brother has decided to go to graduate school yet. Or if he\\'s really thinking about that invention thing. Heh. At least he\\'s got his major and he\\'s doing it in 4 YEARS. go him. He\\'s my hero. Hahaha. I\\'m glad he kind of knows what he wants to do, because I sure don\\'t. I\\'m torn between wanting something that will be lucrative and people will really need, and doing something that I looooove to do with all my heart. I\\'ve found, thru various high school experiences and the first year long relationship, that I can learn to love almost anything. which is a bad thing. I have no idea what I\\'m really good at and have no idea exactly how to find out. I already feel like I\\'m running out of time right now as I sit here typing out a required assignment. It\\'s crazy. And frustrating. And I don\\'t\\' want to try to do too many things at once, because that is what caused my uber-dramatic downfall my senior year. Okay. Maybe it wasn\\'t a downfall. But it did make me realize some stuff about being human that you would think I\\'d know already, having been a human for almost 19 years. Silly me. Oh well. It won\\'t happen again here, because I\\'m not in Baytown and I\\'m away from people that drag me down. I can choose who to interact with most times here, so that puts me in a position of power I rarely have. Yaaay for college. very glad I\\'m here and not in Baytown. ', \"today was a pretty lousy start. last night matt and I talked about alchoholfor about two hours. he needs lots of help. God is the only one who can really change his life. its hard for him to let go and put his life in the hands of another . samehere. can't tellif jamie is getting bothersome . I'm so tired , life is like inthe evening. such a traitor ,momentsof light. haze followed by enlightenment . God speaks, I listen, but still no work is done. How will I ever get out of this slump? there seems to be no ethical -work movement in possible future. so tired eyes heavy with disgust and empty anti-thought. supposed philosophy is taking the place of construct. Although there seems no point inthe sadness or loneliness there can't come any change from me. there seems no way to get out without talking to those id never talk to otherwise . why involve them now whenthey will neverrbe another part? they'll help. need more pills. three movies since move. dobies sucked. not sixth sense. saw Kara. drew too. she is the future. run Baker run ? hopeless acquisition followed by incision tommorrow a decision perfected by revision. incisino from God made all the diffence. IHATE READING IHATE CALCULUS I hate astronomy. I hate myself above all and I can't say that alltogether it is a bad thing . I hate verbosity. I hate hating . I yearn for peace but find no answer that has lasted . Jesus is the answer but it is so hard to stay in his hands. I need a haircut . I need a rainfall. I need a phonecall. maybe I should buy a new car. And I wish it was a big world because I'm lonely for the small town id like to drive and not look back . blow my money at a casino in seattle if one existed. then id sit in the rain all day and eat salami sandwiches . meat the woman of my dreams at a dance who is almost as depresed as I think I am. she'd see right through me and I through her. then Id move to mexico and start a church then move back to texas and live on a ranch . then move back to austin an start a rock and roll band with major influences from Ro \", 'Right now I am sitting in my dorm room. Wondering whether or not I should do this on the word processor. Because this assignment seems so fun that even if the information doesn\\'t get there, I wouldn\\'t mind doing it again. I accidentally just sent you people a blank page because I forgot to scroll down. I really miss home. I have the music on and I keep finding sad music to listen to because it reminds me of my family. I don\\'t think that I will mind this later, but right now, I\\'m having a bit of trouble adapting to this new life. I am not really too sad, just extremely disoriented. There are only a few people here who I am good friends. Even my boyfriend has changed, and seeing him change (he has been here for three months)makes me wonder how much I will change this year. He even looks different. I think that being in college makes him more attractive, just because he holds himself differently. I wonder if I will look different. I already feel more independent and mature, even though I think that I always have been. Just being away from home gives me a bit of a different perspective on things. People are up here and they are talking about how they are \" independent because they are doing their own laundry\"! I sit there thinking \"what! I have been doing my own laundry since I was in 6th grade!\" My parents brought me up, always encouraging me to help myself, meaning that they didn\\'t want me to expect everyone to do things for me. Out of all of my friends, I am the only one whose expenses (personal and what my scholarship doesn\\'t cover) come straight out of my account. My parents don\\'t plan on having to wire me any money this semester, or maybe even the next. I worked this summer and saved my money for that reason. I wanted to make things a bit easier on them. my friends talk about their depleted bank accounts, but even though they worked as well, the only thing that makes use of their money is anything that revolves around their personal interests (aka shopping) I had to buy my own books, a good three hundred dollars that I could have used for something else, even though I probably would have just saved it all, because I love the feeling of having money. It is not just the security, but the feeling of accomplishment, and feeling like I am not just throwing away my money on material things. Even though I always want to shop and I always see things that I want, I never indulge because I feel like if I start I won\\'t be able to stop. But seriously, I really do want some more clothes because I recycle the same shirts in a matter of a week and a half. That could also have something to do with the unbearable heat. It was 113 degrees the other day and I have four hours between classes. By the time I get back from my first two classes, I already feel all icky, so I change shirts. Oh, today I went inside a sorority house. I don\\'t really understand what the difference is between a dorm wing and a sorority. After all, they are essentially the same thing. You get food and shelter and you get to meet a lot of people. It is up to you to build that \"sorority\" with the people in your wing. But I think the same kind of relationship is possible for girls who are living in the dorm. Speaking of girls, when my boyfriend moved up here, he and his roommate became friends with this girl who I don\\'t like. She is over at their apartment day and night because her friend lives in the same complex. My boyfriend thinks that she is really funny, and I know that he thinks she is pretty because he told me so. It seems like they have more in common than we do. I am a really jealous person and I am really jealous of her. I feel like she is better in every way than I am. She is taller and prettier. And he laughs at her so much. My boyfriend cheated on me once in the very beginning of our relationship, with his exgirlfriend. I think that by nature I am already a jealous person, (WOW Pepsi One is really gaseous because I never burp and this is the first time I have ever tasted it. I just burped out of nowhere) where was I? oh yeah. since he cheated on me it is really hard to trust him. So far he has betrayed my trust but I can\\'t help but forgive him because I feel so much for him. I always looked down on people, girls, who let guys walk all over them. And even though it may seem like that is what\\'s happening, that is not the way I see it. I don\\'t no why. I know that it sounds really naive, but I feel like we are different. Now I know that you should not judge people or assume things about them until you have been in their position. I know that I have been talking for more than twenty minutes, and I really don\\'t like thinking about these boyfriend crises, even though I do it more than I should. Anyway that is the stream of my consciousness. ', 'My mind is wandering back and forth between what I want to do and what I need to do. I need to study, read about a dozen chapters out of my textbooks and learn the material inside and out, but I don\\'t want to. I want to just remain calm and lie down on my bed with no worries and no setting of the alarm clock. That\\'s all. Is that too much to ask? I\\'m actually in a rather uncomfortable state of mind right now, or in reality, I\\'ve been in that state of mind since the first day of school. It seems I have lost a lot of my drive and motivation, but I\\'m trying to gain it back. I want it BACK! Anyway, I am somewhat depressed and sad and I just feel uneasy. I want to be able to give my emotions freely, love in particular, but something always holds me back. Maybe I\\'m scared, I don\\'t know. What am I going to do with my life? Now that\\'s a question which really needs an answer, but do I have oneno, not me! I am currently a biology major, but I don\\'t know if that is what I want to do. I don\\'t want to go to medical school, but I don\\'t know what else would be really interesting for me. I am very scared that I\\'m not going to find out what I want to be or should be and then I\\'m just going to be stuck. Competition is awful, especially between siblings. My brother knows what he wants to do, and I am 100% certain that he will be successful, in fact I know that he would be great at anything he decided to do. That\\'s what I wantI want to know that I\\'m going to make it without a doubt or hesitation. This is the lack of motivation, inspiration, confidence, or whatever, I was referring to earlier. I use to be very strongwilled and I always set my mind to something and did it. Now, I know I still do that to a certain degree, but not as much, I WANT IT BACKNOW! I\\'m lonely and tired. I want to find some really good people who I can become really good friends with, but for some reason, I\\'m really not looking that hard. My social skills have also decided to go into hibernation for a while. Consequently, its my first year at The University of Texas, surrounded by 50,000 people, and I don\\'t even go out of my way to meet new people. That is something that is really starting to bother me, but hopefully as I get more familiar and comfortable with the system and environment everything will end up working out by itself. See normally, my thought would be that I would change and rise to the challenge because that\\'s me, but not now, now I am depending on a nonexistent entity to \"work out by itself. \" Oh well, something needs to change. ', \" i'm sitting at the pcl library, i can hear the computers humming, i'm typing kind of fast so i'm worried that people will find this annoying, because i sometimes do and sometimes when i click the mouse too fast some people get annoyed. my feet are really hurting from the bruises i think i got from the car accident on wednesday, i'm wondering if i should go to the university health center and talk to someone about it, but i don't know if i'll have time to go up there, and maybe there's nothing to worry about and bruises will fade by themselves anyway. now i'm thinking about the calculus quiz that i did yesterday, i did really bad on it. i ran out of things to say, i'm really sleepy. my uncle left today i feel bad that i didn't say goodbye but he left so early in the morning back to lebanon, i don't know how long it will be until i see him again but he wasn't as friendly as he was a year ago. i remembered last night that it was my 2 friend's birthdays, it was my brother's too and i didn't get him anything. . i really should have, i should go today, but i'm so concerned about how much money i've been spending lately, i don't work anymore and i'm running out of money i should be careful how much i spend, what will i do when i run out, i can't keep asking my dad for money everytime i want to go out for coffee. i just talked to my friend outside she got married last weekend and i was at her wedding and her husband's best friend really liked me and now he asks about me all the time and he wants to drive down from san antonio to see me but i'm so afraid of it, because i was so attracted to him at the wedding, and i thought about him so much after that,and i kept feeling that i wanted to be with him even though i knew i shouldn't have because i have a boyfriend and i must be loyal to him so that i can allow him to trust me because he's insecure sometimes so i don't know what to do. the guy's name is nathan and he's the kind of guy i would love to have as a friend but i don't think he's going to want to settle it at that and i'm afraid that even if he did, i might want more, which would be horribble because of my boyfriend. i'm not sure about my feelings anymore, i'm so afraid that what happened with my last relationship is going to happen all over because i'm so indecisive about my feelings. now i just want to go to sleep. i'm meeting my boyfriend after i finish writing and we're going out to lunch. i'm not that hungry. i know i should watch what i eat like i used to, but i don't anymore. it's becoming bad for me, i'm not even exercising like i used to. i don't know why, i just feel so tired. i got mad at my mom this morning and i feel bad, because it's not really her fault. well maybe it is, i just don't understand why she can't seem to help me out in the morning when she sees that i'm late, why can't she make me a sandwhich so that i can eat on my way out the door, instead of leaving the house with no breakfast and starving because i don't have time to do it myself. it takes her practically no effort, i don't understand. she must think it's a matter of teaching me to do things on my own but i think that's ridiculous, i just need a little help and she wouldn't do it. i'm looking at the time on the screen and i never realized how slow time can be sometimes. this spacebar on the keyboard is really starting to piss me off, what the hell is wrong with it. i'm getting to impatient, i hate it when it sticks. some people are typing really fast, too, i wonder if they're doing the same thing i am. i can't see their screen. a girl is listening to her headphones, it's a good idea. i wonder if we're allowed to burn our own music cd's, i saw a lady doing it at the ugl library and i really want to. but i asked my older brother and he said we're not allowed because those computers are used only for the scanner. supposedly. i'm swaying my chair right now, it calms me down. i want to listen to some music, the nice relaxing kind i listen to on 95. 5, i love that station. they put old music and it's so relaxing. yesterday i was seriously thinking about wearing a scarf. oh. . no that was today, in the shower. it's starting to bother me the way men look at me, as if i'm existing merely for their viewing pleasure, it's disgusting. i've realized lately that i've become very much less concerned with displaying my feelings, for example, if i don't like someone, i can ignore them and i don't care if they notice, or if they know that i don't like them. i never used to do that, i always used to fake it. but now i don't. maybe it's rude, but i'm tired of putting up with things i don't like. i've also noticed that i'm not as open minded as i one was. time is almost up i feel better, but i wonder what i'm going to go do now. i want to lay down somewhere, close my eyes. i feel like cuddling with someone. but my boyfriend won't do it, he'd just want to make out. i don't, i just want someone to hold me. suddenly i feel like crying a little bit. i don't know what's bothering me. a girl sat next to me who looks like jennifer the si instructor. those sessions are helpful. \", \" College. . humm. Its strange that I'v made it this far. I always viewed college as a date in a book that i would eventually reach, but not now. There is absolutely nothing familiar anymore. My days are completely different. I guess change is good though, I mean there is no place I would rather be in life than right here. So why am I so worried all the time? Constantly tierd. My eye has developed a slow twitch, very strange. I miss my cat. I wish I had the ability to purr. If only I were a cat. The weirdest thing about college is waking up. Every day of my life until now I have woken up in my bed or some state of comfort. Now when I wake up there is that small period of time when I think I am still there, safe, but then reality smacks me in the face. My roomate is really good at that in the morning, helping me realize that im not at home. Very annoying! I wish i enjoyed my roomates companey, but I don't not at all. She smacks while eatting, very inconsiderate, keeps the room at 34545 million degrees. Ah What am I going to do, not a whole lot, I guess its a good learning expeirence. I must say I have met some cool people though, which make the ride all worth while. Counting Crows,, ahh, for some reason they know exactly what I am feeling. They hit the nail on the head . I wish I could talk to Adam Durtz, and spell correctly. The thing that I have noticed about college is there are more headachs and less sleep. more headachs, less sleep. I really should deal with this problem. It seems impossible with all the things I have to get done but eventually I have found that everything works it self out. Time, time , time. I do not believe in time. There really is no point to time. Well at least keeping track of. I mean time is good for healing and new stages in life. But why do we put it on such a small scale. I mean it should just be a concept, like infinity. I mean I wish I could not say at this exact moment it is . . 12. 01. 01. There should only be moments and nothing more. We all live in one big moment. Another thing thats been on my mind is something A friend and I were talking about. He said why does society make squares out of everything. I mean think about it the majority of buildings in this world are in the square shape, rooms are square, tiles are square, I think I might go out in the square hallway and take a drink from the square water fountian. It is exausting. Why would someone go to such detail to make a square out everything. The name square even sugessets boring. Why not an oval, or better yet an amiba. No one can box me in. I also am frustrated with the fact that everyone wants to have a career,Example, Yeah I'm pre-med, ohh yeah well I'm going to be an engineer I really have to desier to make something of myself . What my career will be is sitting in Italy,no preference really any where in Italy will do, with a big family,lots of animals, and friends walking around soaking upp all the history, looking at the arcitecture, and most importaltly just being happy. I could just learn the rest of my life. with no money , which is a square by the way. . \", \"My thoughts I have never tried to write about my thoughts before, so here goes: I'm sitting in my dorm room just where it is quite hot for some reason even though the air conditioning is set for the coldest setting, oh well, I guess Dobie isn't perfect. My suitemate sure isn't any good. I hadn't seen him for the last two weeks, but as soon as I put a TV in the living room, he shows up. Lousy moocher. Now I have to listen to my headphones because he is watching some stupid movie. These things make my head hurt, and I don't like the music I'm listening to, stupid Backstreet Boys. My girlfriend loves them, I sure do miss her. She lives in Houston and goes to HBU, she is so nice. She isn't anything like the other girls I know, she never complains, and always does whatever I want to. I'm lucky to have her. I'm afraid that this long distance relationship thing won't work out. That would suck, I don't know what I would do. My head just hurts thinking about it, or is it just these tight headphones. They aren't even mine, they are my roommate's. He is a great guy, one of my best friends from Houston. He just got back from his girlfriend's dorm room. She lives upstairs, and that isn't fair. He gets to see her all the time, I only get to see my girlfriend every two weeks or so. I guess that could be good too since I need to study a lot. I have some big shoes to fill, both my brother and sister went to UT and they were both in the business school, which I couldn't get into. Sometimes I feel stupid compared to the two of them. My parents really want me to do well, and I hope I can make them happy. If I try really hard, and get a little lucky, I might be able to transfer into the business school. That would be cool. I feel sorry for my mom, and I am scared. She needs a liver transplant, and it isn't fair for her. She wasn't a drinker or anything, she lived a very good life. She just happened to have a bad liver. That's why I hate Mickey Mantle. One day a friend of mine was talking about how we should give free health care to everybody, but I totally disagreed. I told him that we shouldn't help the drunks and druggies, and he thought I was crazy. That's when I get really pissed and started yelling about how stupid celebrities like Mickey Mantle get to skip people on the transplant list, get a new liver and then drink through it. After that they get to take another one, then he died anyway, that is the only thing that made me happy. They could have given that liver to my mom, rather than some stupid lush who just killed it. Someone told me that he had a disease that he couldn't stop drinking, I say BS. He could have paid someone to walk around with him to make sure he didn't drink any alcohol, but my mom can't do that. She just has bad blood, if we could pay someone a hundred thousand dollars a month to follow her around and keep her healthy, we would do it in a heartbeat. We don't have that option. Well that's twenty minutes, I don't know if that was exactly what you were looking for, but that is pretty much what I was thinking, and that was pretty fun! \", 'well as I was clicking on the button that allows you to begin, I noticed that I forgot the last digit of my social security number, aka, ut eid. well for whoever care, it is 7. my I\\'d number is 449712047. there now I can get credit for this assignment. anyway, I don\\'t know what to write about. I\\'m sure that after a while your stream of consciousness\" I totally spelled that wrong, will take over. I bet everyone writes this at the beginning of their assignment just because they don\\'t know what else to write about and aren\\'t bored enough to be honest yet. so I am really mad about my laptop. last night is just turned white and shut down. I tried turning it on this morning and it wouldn\\'t so I took it to the its or something like that. it is the place where they are supposed to fix your computer. well they didn\\'t. nope they just gave ma 1 8oo number to call which took me 20 minutes and I still didn\\'t talk to a real person. I always type didn\\'t instead of didn\\'t. that is annoying. so I took the battery out of my computer and it works now but I still need a new battery which better be under warranty because I just got the thing in may. so I go to check my e mail and what do you know, I have another freaking virus on my computer. I am about to scream. seriously, I am using my roommates computer right now. it is the second one since I got here in june and it is pissing me off. I mean I am not even one of those internet surfing kids, I just use it for research and e mail and papers and stuff so I don\\'t even know how I got the dang thing. so now I have decided to type with the correct hand position so my typing is considerably slower and my spelling considerably poorer. ya screw this. I wish I would have paid attention in keyboarding class. man, I am only half way done. so this is my roommate\\'s computer. she is sleeping right now. don\\'t get me wrong, I love the girl to death but she is freaking emotional. it was her and her boyfriends 1 year anniversary today. I don\\'t think he is good for her. my arm is starting to hurt. I know why it is because here in jester you have no freaking desk space and the fridge is shoved into your back. in kinsolving it was heaven. I miss it there a lot better community. my professor was talking about freshman insecurity or whatever today. he was right. I don\\'t consider myself to be an insecure person but college will do it to ya, especially when you don\\'t know anyone. I bet there are people like me who can just sit here and type crap, never letting on to what they are really thinking about. I obviously already have a little, but to tell you the truth, I am really thinking about how bad I am at typing. I don\\'t know why I think I have to type fast for this. it isn\\'t like you are counting my words. actually, it is just making it harder for me to continue my bullshit, excuse the French. why do people say that? I think my dog back home is depressed. I know she misses me, I\\'m the only one she liked. she is always at my neighbor\\'s house because they let her in and feed her. the sad thing is, I think my neighbor is trying to replace her husband with my odg. they just got divorced, one of the super religious couples you would never expect to. she is such a softie anyway. ya I def think that she is using my dog for company. I don\\'t know why though because she already has two dogs of her own. ok well I have this meeting to go to tonight. it is for the lassos, no wait, the lonestars. I can\\'t forget to call my friend lindsay or is it lindsey so we can meet to walk there. ya I am about to nope, I just did sneeze. God bless me. I think everyone should believe in God. he is great even if there is no proof, that is where faith comes in right? right. ', 'Well, first I\\'m thinking about what to write about because this is probably the weirdest writing assignment I have ever been given. I\\'d like to write about my boyfriend, whom I\\'m very in love with, but I really do not think that that would be appropriate for this writing assignment. My roommate just left to go to her pledge party, and I really wish I was hanging out with her rather than doing this assignment about a week and half before it is due, but I guess it is better to do it now than to wait till last minute. Which is what I am going to try to do in all my classes, not wait until last minute to do all the stuff that I have to do! I think that if I can just do that then I will be able to keep with all of my work and get grades in my classes that I will approve. I also need to get into the college of communications so therefore I HAVE to keep my grades up. I really can\\'t wait to become a speech pathologist, I\\'m very excited about that. Also, God willing I really do think it would be awesome to go to the University of Iowa for their graduate program in speech pathology. They have the best in the nation, and plus ryan goes there. and if I\\'m going to marry him then being in the same place as him would be a huge plus! Ok, dee you are completely wondering around here and I\\'m sure whoever reads this is going think that I am a weirdo, but I really don\\'t have much else to talk about. Hmmm. I am excited about going home this weekend and seeing not only my parents and brother but the rest of my entire family! I think we will have a lot of fun and I\\'m excited that I get to leave tomorrow to go home and don\\'t have to wait until friday. I\\'m having loss of words at the moment. And someone just imed me. uhh oh, have to tell him to hold on! Ok I did. lets get back on track here. I\\'M curious as to who gets to read these because I bet that would be a lot of fun. I\\'m sure that there are LOTS of different things said on each persons assignment. Gosh only 8 minutes of typing! Is this ever going to end! (hey I\\'m being honesty here!) I bet other people are making this a lot more amusing than I am, but I really am typing my thoughts and feelings. Actually I\\'m typing the first thing that pops into my head, which is probably why this is making NO sense at all. I think that sitting here and typing out what I\\'m thinking is distracting me from thinking about what I would really be thinking about, because I\\'m trying to find something to think about that I can type about. Wow that was a confusing sentence. I\\'m surprised at how much fun I\\'m having here. I honestly thought that I would become homesick and miss everything back home and I also thought I would miss ryan a lot more than I am. I mean I do miss him, yes! But there is just so many new things here and everything is so different than usual that my mind is constantly busy thinking about other things. Not complaining because I\\'m glad I\\'m not sitting around moping about him, I need to enjoy life, especially college life! I really can\\'t wait to live in a condo next year and get out of this dorm full of nothing but girls. The girls are nice but being around too many girls all the time can really get to you, but I\\'m sure if I was a guy I probably would not mind. Sitting here wondering what I\\'m going to type next. I\\'m not supposed to be planning anything out, which I\\'m not, but sometimes I just don\\'t think about anything. I don\\'t always have to have something on my mind do I? Much less a feeling\". feelings are sometimes so over-rated. Simply type continuously, tracking your thoughts and feelings for the entire 20 minutes. Well I just re-read the instructions and it said to type my thoughts and thinking about what the instructions say is a thought, so I had to type it. Ok 5 more minutes to go, I\\'m almost there! Gee I didn\\'t realize how often I just don\\'t think about stuff, but I usually do think a lot about different things, I guess just not now. I consider myself to be a pretty deep thinker, and have more mature thoughts than other people that I know. Take for instance the girls yelling outside my dorm \"yeah theta!\". very loud, annoying, and obnoxious. Yes these are the people I am living with, sweet girls but nothing like me. I don\\'t get into all the sorority stuff. Times running out. whoo hoo! Now I can get back to talking to the guy who imed me earlier during the middle of this wonderful assignment. which is, I must say the easiest graded assignment I have ever done! So I think all the rest of the writing assignments should be like this. Good idea huh? Now I can think about is how I want this to end. I have about a minute to go. So I will take this minute to say hello to whomever is reading this and I hope that you had fun reading my thoughts and \"feelings\" for 20 minutes of my life. Sorry if I bored you, which I probably did. but its ok, I\\'m really not a boring person! Well have a good day and goodbye! ', \"This is a stream of consciousness paper for my psych. class. That is the only class I actually enjoy going to. They have about a katrillion people in that class and it is freezing cold, but that's okay. Almost all my classes except for English have 456,897,456,789 people in it. There is a cute guy in almost every single one of my classes, or if not in class, on the way to it. That's what college is all about. That's why I came from Louisiana to Texas. New people. It's so different out here. I love my roommates. They are so cute, and have really cute friends. I have one that is my favorite though. That's Gibby. He's so cute. anyway Lisa is so mad that the damn computer won't work. I believe that is a direct quote. She want to go call Adam, her lifeguard lover. Sometimes I think she's jealous because I found my little Gilbert within 5 days of coming to the great state of Texas. At first I didn't like it here, but now I love it. I know 345,231,859,635 guys, and about 4 girls. Today I got to go with Brady, our fine neighbor to go wash his Rodeo. I got to vacuum. It was great. I love him. But not as much as I (secretly) love room 1432. The bus rides have been hell, but we ride with the neighbors. I hate to stand up. I hate that almost as much as I hate not sitting on the end of a row in class. I think it's the extra elbow room that I get. I hate those desks too. I am used to having about 565 sq. feet of desk area. Oh well. Anyway, yesterday, I bought Gibby some boxer shorts. I gave the salesman a hard time because I didn't know any of his sizes. oh, well. I don't want to limit myself so soon after coming to Texas. I want someone to play with, but I also want some time to explore the great wide dating field. There is a nasty rumor going around the apartment saying that Marc likes me. I think Marc is an awesome guy, but I don't know how willing I am to give Gibby up. It has gotten to the point where everyone asks me where Gilbert is, and what he's doing. Okay, I may talk to the boy but I don't know every single blessed move he makes. Now as for Dark Chad across the street I would like to know. He is so cute and artsy and he is an avid fan of party girl. okay I think my time is up, so Ill say good bye till tomorrow. Thank you, Simone Theriot \", 'ok. so I am suppose to be writing for twenty minutes. well, this will be good typing practice. except in keyboarding class, we were told what to type. so this might be a problem. this seat is bothering me. it\\'s hard to get comfortable in it. its really low as well. and these stupid wheels. they don\\'t let me stay in one place. hmm. its a good thing I don\\'t have wheels on the bottom of my chair for my desk. although I don\\'t know how big of a problem it would be to have wheels on that chair. because in my room, I have carpet. this is a tiled floor, so that is why the chair is so rolly. when I sit on my roommate\\'s chair, it doesn\\'t move so much. so that must be it. it must be because of the carpet. oh, there goes my stomach. I\\'m hungry. but I don\\'t want to eat till moiz calls. once moiz and omiar come over, I can order the pizza. but the problem with that, is that I am hungry now. I want to eat now. maybe something small when I get home. but knowing me, my small snack will turn into a meal. oh well. I can wait. I guess. I wonder if they think its cheap that I\\'m inviting them over on monday. this way I order the cheap monday madness pizza. but I guess its not really a big deal. I was going to invite them over soon. I want my computer up and running asap. I can\\'t believe uncle hafeez gave me a nice new cpu. that is so awesome. but then again, that might lead to problems of me doing less studying, and more downloading songs online. I hope bilal and them come tomorrow. I mean, we don\\'t want to be waiting for them every day, waiting for uncle\\'s call to say oh, well we still couldn\\'t book the tickets, so they will be coming tomorrow. hmm. I smell smoke. but that can\\'t be right. who, no what idiot would be smoking in a building. well, I guess its not that much of an idiotic thing to do. I mean, lots of people do smoke, but I just wouldn\\'t assume that they would be smoking inside a building. ohh kay. now my hands are getting tired. I don\\'t think I was suppose to be typing nonstop for twenty minutes. was I? oh well. that\\'s what I\\'m doing. haha I can\\'t believe I was so stupid today. I have been going to urdu class at 12 for over a week. what exactly in my mind made me go to class at one. and thank goodness it was ten minutes before one. if I had gotten there right on time, I would have felt like such and idiot walking into class late. especially in a class that wasn\\'t mine! it\\'s a good thing I went and talked to the professor. she is awesome! I really didn\\'t think that she would let me sign in. I came way after the bell rang! anyways, that makes two days of udru homework to do before wednesday. but then again, I have more important things to worry about besides my urdu homework. I have that stupid quiz in english tomorrow. when did all these quizzes come up. it seems like yesterday was only the first day of class. I guess summer went my pretty fast for me. wow. it really did. pakistan was awesome. I don\\'t think I have ever had so much fun in the million times that we went there, not as much as I had this time. and saqib, rashid, and khurram. they are as cool as they have always been. I like the fact that we are all still cool. well, it took a while for us all to open up, but at least we did. and I\\'m upset with raza. I didn\\'t realize till a little towards the end, that his walkman never left his ears. I don\\'t know, does he not understand? or does he not care? because if he does not care, he shouldn\\'t be coming. that is really bad. and think of what everyone else thought. I\\'m sure they minded too. ohh. a minute and a half left. weird. it does not seem like I have been typing for twenty minutes straight. I guess this wasn\\'t so bad after all. I wonder what happens after my time is up. will I not be able to type anything else? well, I will find out in 40 seconds. now after this, I got to pick up my I\\'D from the business school, then. then I dunno. I could either go to the library and finish up my reading, which would be the smart thing to do, or I could go home and study\". but that will never work. hmm, I think I just answered my own question. ', \" Well, the biggest thing that I have been thinking about is of course, my boyfriend! He is in San Antonio, and I miss him so much! I was fortunate enough to see him the past two weekends. This last weekend I got to see him play in his first college football game at Trinity! It was really exciting, but it stunk because unlike in high school, I wasn't on the track cheering for him. I was also super happy because I have been able to see my family. I am such a nerd, because I miss my mom so much! She has always been there for me, so it is actually kind of hard to make my own decisions. But it is also good, cause it is definitely time for me to grow up! My brother came in town for the first time in several months and I did not get to see him, but it didn't bother me, because I know he didn't miss me. He was away for the Navy, and I wrote him a letter, and he never wrote me back. He has put my family through so much crap, that I don't know when I am going to be strong enough to see him. Thank god the rest of my family is so caring and sane! Life goes on, and he will soon realize how important his family really is, especially after all we have done for him. At first, I was extremely nervous about school and Sorority rush, but now everything is getting better. I was so glad when I became a Zeta because that is what I wanted from the start. It was just kind of hard because when we were practicing for Phi Psi field day, they tried to put me up in a stunt, and made me feel soooo fat. I am already so self conscious about my weight, so it really hurt me. I really don't want to have an eating disorder, especially after a movie being made about my aunt and her failure as an Olympic athlete because of balimia. Well, now after almost eight minutes, my arm hurts so much, and all i am wondering is when this is going to be over with!!! I also hope that my studies turn out ok because I really have to study to get good grades, like REALLY! I am just not smart like everyone else, or at least that is how I feel. I mean I like all my professors except for Pre-Cal, which really pisses me off because I took pre-cal and calculus in high school and aced them both. but this adjunct teacher does not teach at all. He goes over the basic formulas, which I have known since like eighth grade, and then gives us the most difficult homework, which he has not given any examples for or ways to understand in class. He also words the problems in the most bizarre ways. All the students are so confused, and it makes me feel so stupid, because it is just Pre-Cal! So, today I went to the University of Texas Learning Center, and it really seemed to help. I think out of my class of thirty, there was three of us at that moment in there. So that already says enough about our teacher. Also, I emailed him about it, and he made me feel even stupider. I mean if he wants respect from me, then he needs to respect me! He told me he couldn't pat my hand to make me feel better, etc. , and I was like, yeah, but you could try and teach us, instead of going over 8th grade algebra!!! But oh well, I am trying to fix everything! I just decided that I am going to be on top of all my studies, and try to keep up on the reading and all my math homework. I hope that I never forget about any important tests, or assignments, or papers. I am super glad I am in a FIG, because hopefully that will help. I am just super horrible with tests, because I have a major test anxiety. That would explain my horrible SAT score. But whatever, it is all good, I mean look, I made it to UT, didn't I~! Well, since psychology is my major I hope this class keeps me super interested so I don't switch majors like five times, like every other college student! I just want to know what I want to do with my life, besides marry my sweetie, and be successfull with my family and money. But, so far, I am so glad I have chosen UT, because I absolutely love it, and even though there have already been those times when I have felt so fat, or so overloaded with sorority stuff or reading( which I am also very slow at!), i know everything in the end will turn out just how it is supposed to, because God is here carrying me through out all my good times and my bad! I just hope I can figure out this pretesting thing, because that would be awesome if I didn't have to do five hours worth of experiments, ya know!! \", \"Wow, this day has been hectic. I feel relieved that I got the math class I needed, finally. The people in the math dept. (at least sitting at the desk--- the ones I had, unfortunately, to deal with!) They were so rude and just did things at their own pace as if the students don't have classes or things to do. It was so annoying that the lady wouldn't let me fill out the permission form myself. I mean, I'm in college for God's sake! I can read and write and understand things pretty well. I think I can fill in the blanks for a unique # myself -- she wouldn't let me take it home since I hadn't decided which exact class of the 6 that I wanted. Then I had to come back the next day and wait in the long line again and deal with the same rude lady. I know their jobs are tedious and boring, but I don't like having to deal with adding and dropping either. You know, I just want to do it on Tex but I can't anymore! The biggest pain was all the running around I had to do for this and the frustration it gave me! I had to go to the professor's office find out his hours, then go to his hours the next day, sit in on class, find out that he doesn't accept late assignments and I've already missed 2 because of not being there, then trying to do the homework, getting the book, doing the homework, getting help from a friend, going back to the math dept. to find out if there was an opening in the class which there wasn't, going back at 8am to wait until they decided to open their doors around 8:45, find out the professor I wanted still doesn't have an opening and almost having to go through the whole process again, but the lady finally being nice to me and letting me go into another class and another professor without getting all the stuff signed. She said we were the last 5 people to get in and they had to take us so we didn't (thank G-d) have to go through it again. Now lets just hope I can understand this professor and that maybe he'll let me make up the assignments I've missed. I used to like math, but at the moment I am very ticked off at he entire idea of math because of this whole ordeal. In every other aspect of the university, or in many of them but not really all, I feel like I matter and I am not just my ssn. But dealing with this I feel like I am just being pushed around and can't get what I want. I know I won't always be able to get the classes I want or the times I want, I didn't get exactly what I wanted even registering in the first orientation this summer, but I am definitely lucky in that I got almost what I wanted it seems to work out. I just feel so unimportant because of this math dept. lady who could care less about me and my problem. I really expected her to tell me I had to go through the whole procedure again. Maybe she does have a heart since she didn't make me do it. I don't know. I just feel so, so small and belittled I guess. I don't know how to put it, I just feel bad in some strange way. Other than that problem and a few others that I need to take care of, I am really doing well here. I really feel at home and that I belong here. Coming from Atlanta, GA and moving, I know I'd love it, but I tried not to get my hopes up too high so that if things didn't work exactly as I planned I wouldn't be disappointed. I guess it worked because I do have to deal with these few problems and another big one, but I am still loving it! I am so glad to be here! I really feel like I mad the right decision. I'm meeting so many people and some of them I've already become great friends with because they are already caring and helping me with my problems and I'm helping them too. I'm really making some great bonds here! I feel so loved! And they don't call me to go out because they feel badly for me or anything, I feel that they genuinely want to hang out with me. Maybe that's just my perception but I really feel that way. and now I'm questioning myself, but I am serious and not just trying to make myself believe that. at least, I think so. But now I think I'm analyzing it all too deeply because I'm thinking -- but what if subconsciously I'm really just making myself believe that. I don't know. But I truly feel that it is a genuine feeling that I have that my friends are true friends for true reasons! Ok. I think I'll stop here before I analyze every bit of this! \", 'I\\'m hungry, but I don\\'t have any of the food I normally eat. If I had a car, I\\'d go to the grocery store and buy myself some more Myoplex (protein shakes) and some cereal and some milk, but my parents heard too many horror stories about first year college students flunking out of school because they drove their roommate to wrestling matches and out-of-town football games and such, so they wouldn\\'t let me bring my car this semester. If I had gone to school out of state, like both my brother and sister did before me, I wouldn\\'t be getting a car for the entire first year, but since my school tuition is roughly one third of what theirs was, and I have some scholarships on top of that, my parents are considering letting me bring my car to Austin at semester. I really don\\'t know where there\\'s room to park a Ford Expedition in this town, but I\\'ll find some place. My car would have been nice to have last last Sunday morning, because there was a rowing team meeting at the boathouse, which is too far to walk to, and I ended up not being able to go because I couldn\\'t find a ride. I was pretty upset, but My R. A. Danny, the one who talked me into trying out for the rowing team, told me to go to practice this morning anyway, and the coaches wouldn\\'t mind. He was right. I just added my name to their list of names that they got at different meetings that I wasn\\'t able to attend, went through the workout, and they told me to come back on Wednesday. It was a lot tougher than I would have thought, in some respects, but a lot less strenuous in others, when I look back at it. The one mile jog wasn\\'t hard at all, and neither were the pull-ups, but eventually the sit-ups wore me out, and the jump-squats actually made me nauseous after a few sets. I think that\\'s mainly because my legs were really sore from the gym the day before, which was a bad move on my part, but it\\'s hard to say. I\\'ve never done jump-squats before, so I might have felt sick afterwards without being sore. We didn\\'t get to go out on the water, which was somewhat disappointing, but the group of guys I was with are supposed to take a boat out on wednesday, while the other groups run body circuits, since that\\'s all our group was able to do. We did actually take a boat down to the dock, and set it in the water, but I wasn\\'t able to get in, and the boat never left the dock, so it wasn\\'t as much fun as it could have been. I\\'m somewhat nervous about the next practice session. We get to use the rowing machines for the first time, and I\\'ve never used one before. I\\'m not sure if three sets of ten minutes is going to be a breeze, or if I\\'m really going to throw up this time. I work out 6 days a week, and I run, and most of my workouts are repetition, not heavy lifting, so I could definitely be in worse shape for rowing, but I\\'m still not sure how far away I am from the kind of endurance I need for the urgs\" (rowing machines. ) I would actually be stronger, but have less endurance if my shoulder hadn\\'t been giving me problems all through high school. I pulled it while unloading some suitcases for some elderly friends at the New York airport after a two week cruise through Southern Europe. We went to the doctor, they told me to lay off it, and I did, but apparently it wasn\\'t long enough. I was too anxious to get back in the gym, and I never let it heal completely, so about six months later I hurt it again. Six months after that, when it happened the third time, my parents took me to a doctor, and eventually to physical therapy. The therapist told me that my scapular region was too weak in comparison with my pectorals, triceps, biceps, and deltoids. Apparently I hadn\\'t trained my back well enough to keep up with the rest of my upper body, which was causing my shoulders to carry all the strain of my movements, where the muscles in my back were supposed to be assisting the shoulder. The doctor was amazed that both shoulders hadn\\'t been more severely damaged, but I was told that I wasn\\'t beyond repair. A full month of therapy, very specific exercises, cross-friction massages, and ice massages helped a lot, but my shoulder is still pretty fragile. If I push myself too hard on the bench press, or if I don\\'t put ice on my shoulder while stretching it for about ten minutes after every workout, it\\'s sore for the next few days. I\\'m hoping that rowing will help develop the muscles in my back, especially the scapular region, so I can push myself harder at the gym when I\\'m training the rest of my upper body. The pull-ups we did the first day of training worked parts of my back that I can feel had been neglected, because the muscles were all tight and sore after only two sets of the pull-ups. Apparently some muscle somewhere in my back is getting some work, so I\\'m happy with the training so far. I was actually worried for a while that I wouldn\\'t be able to train the rest of my body if I got serious rowing, but the coaches talked to us about how rowing really only works out your back and your biceps, so the rest of your body will need developing too, like your chest and triceps. This means I can still go to the gym, and I actually have more reason now than ever, because I have to keep my chest strong enough to balance with the back muscles that I will undoubtedly be developing. Running and jump-squats in training won\\'t come anywhere close to giving me the leg workout I want, but I\\'m not sure when I\\'ll be able to work legs without being sore at training the following day. I suppose that after a few weeks of real practice, assuming I make the team, I\\'ll be able to decide when to work my legs, and how hard. Some of the guys there seemed to have been working out, or playing football in high school, because they were pretty used to running body-circuits, and jogging, and weren\\'t too beat at the end of the day. Some of the other guys were obviously novices in the world of fitness. A few people vomited, one guy passed out, and I heard talk about a guy who was trying the rowing workout a few days ago who fell flat on his face and started convulsing. I\\'m not sure exactly what was going on there, but I\\'m glad nothing like that has happened to me yet. I can\\'t wait for it to get cold outside, so I can actually stand in that boathouse without wanting to collapse. It was so hot and stuffy in there today that going outside in the 80 degree weather felt like walking into a refrigerator. Once it gets colder, I\\'m sure I\\'ll have to buy a sweatshirt, and some warmer gym shorts, but the cold will be much more welcome than the hot sticky boathouse. It\\'ll be a lot colder if I fall in the water too, but I\\'m hoping that won\\'t happen too often. ', \" Right now I am sitting at the computer feeling very good that I am finally doing this assignment. It had been on my mind ever since it was assigned. I can't wait till I am done. Because I know I will feel a sense of accomplishment . Ever since the lecture on Tuesday every time I think I can picture that video we saw in class where the part of the brain was warming up or so called cooking. I imagine my brain is cooking right now trying to think of what to write next. Earlier today I found my emotions changing alot today and I tried to figure out why they changed so much at one point I was extremely shy and the next minute I was outgoing. Right now I feel very comfortable with myself and extremely confident. My thoughts are going every which of way right now. Because I feel pressure to do well in school from myself and my parents. I really would like to please them and show them I am responsible and smart. I feel as though it is not me right now. I find it truly fascinating that my mind is coming up with some of these things right now. I find it really intriguing. Now even after going to class I really feel like hearing the lectures really has made me realize alot of stuff I had not noticed before especially trying to feel what I really feel not what I just think I feel. It just occurred to me that I have not looked up once to see how much time has gone by. I could write this for a while just tracking my different thoughts and feelings and emotions. When I mentioned something earlier about my parents and how I wanted to impress them. I pictured my parents and started having feelings of love because I know they are there for me if I need them. I never have stopped and traced my thoughts before until now. I am wondering now if the tests are going to be hard in this class. I feel pretty hungry right now so I can imagine my stomach relaying something to my part of my brain telling me it is time to eat. I wish I could get controller the part of my mind that controls addiction because I sure would like to quit smoking. I feel as if I have no control over it anymore. When I smell cigarettes smoke. I feel my mind say wouldn't it be nice to have one of those. I guess quitting smoking is telling that part in your mind no and to be stronger than that. That was weird how my mind suddenly brought up smoking I guess because I know I have to quit because it is so bad for you. Well that’s time I really enjoyed this assignment. \", 'I can\\'t believe he just showed up like that and expected me to let him in of course I let him in anyway. What is this control he has over me? I can\\'t make thoughts work clearly when he looks at me. All I see are blue eyes and red hair. Deep, deep blueness. There I get lost into submission. Is it me? Is it all just something I do to myself? Where are the lines I should be drawing. Why isn\\'t easier to know what the right thing to do is? I wonder if he\\'s sleeping right now? I know he\\'s home. Maybe I should knock on his window until he wakes up and lets me sleep next to him? His room is so close just right down stairs. I know he look up at me every night through his window. He\\'s sees everybody I let in. I\\'ll have to remember in the future the consequences of sleeping with neighbors; but what if they have crazy red hair and perfect hands? It will be an interesting year. I wonder if he\\'ll end up hating me? or me him? no. we can at least be friends. Although, it\\'s hard sometimes. Especially with the angel downstairs. Ha! no pun intended. I just don\\'t understand where all the anger inside him comes from. We\\'re so different. I\\'m so full of love and he\\'s so scared of love. Maybe he just fearful and that\\'s why he becomes so overwhelmed with anger; or maybe he\\'s just passionate. I think that might be part of it. I read his palms and his heart line was off the chart! He asked me when I met him if I thought we\\'d be dangerous together and I said, \"I\\'m not dangerous with anybody,\" but I\\'m begging to change my mind. I wish I could see inside him. Usually I can read strait through boys, but he is an enigma. I guess I\\'ll just start looking harder. If I go down there right now I know he\\'ll wake up and be happy to see me. I\\'m sure he thought about me all night after the afternoon we had together. Why is it that you can see someone who fits every requirement you have for the perfect mate, but if there\\'s no chemistry there\\'s no relationship at least romantically. Then you might met someone who isn\\'t your type at all, maybe you don\\'t even really like the same music or have the same lifestyle, but if there\\'s chemistry you can\\'t resist each other. Who casts the spells on us? Who laughs at our bumbling confusion? Is it all a matter of having the ideal children? Are the people we have \\'chemistry\\' with the people who have the perfect complementary set of genes to our own? If so, how does my body know? Do my electrons match up perfectly with the spin cycles of theirs? ', 'There is alwaysa thought in out mind, or is there? Do we only think when we are conciously aware of it, or do we think all the time? I ask myself a lot of stange question all the time. I hear the sound of a tennis match on the television. I wonder what the people at the tennis match are thinking? They are watching the game, but are they conciously thinking about it? I am sitting in my friend\\'s dorm room, typing on her computer while she sits watching tennis, and doing calculus. I bet she is too distracted by tennis to actually \"do\" her homework. That\\'s ok. I am doing well at tuning it out, but then again, I don\\'t really like tennis! I wonder how many people actually like tennis? I really have to use the restroom!I know that came out of no where, but I was thinking about it. You know that if you order things on line, if it\\'s not in Texas, well you have to pay S/H, but if you order a lot it can really save you money. I wish I made more money. I still don\\'t know weather I should quit my current, cozy job, for a new strange one that pays more money? I have established a history, and many friendships at my current job, so why should I leave? But at the same time more money would help me out in the long run. or would I just spend more? That\\'s is what our world seems to be all about making money, and for some, making the MOST money. I don\\'t want to get caught up in the rat race of making money, but sometimes I am afraid that I already have. I should really be more conservative with my money so that I won\\'t worry about having enough. I know that it\\'s a vicious cycle. I wonder, will anyone actually read this? sorry, I ask many questions, I know that they will ever be answered, but I ask anyway. When will we find the answers? Are the answers to many of lifes questions obtainable, or are we never to know? I think one day we will know these answeres, and we will say, \"Wow, the answers were right in front of me the whole time!\" Sometimes I think that we make things too complicated! We should relax and let the answes come to us! That\\'s what many artists have to do to become inspired, if they think to hard, then they can\\'t think of anything! Kind of crazy hu? Well I think that this enough thought for today, have a great day!! ', 'Right now I am feeling very annoyed. I have to do my first lab write up and I am so confused. I wish I could get it all done now so that this holiday weekend I wouldn\\'t have to worry about it. I am going home this weekend for the first time in a month or so. Even though I am a junior I have felt like such a freshmen this past week becuause I just transfered here. I don\\'t think that\\'s a bad thing , to feel like a freshmen, but it\\'s really weird. I can\\'t wait to go home. I got my parents and my brother a UT gift form the Co Op I can\\'t believe that Jennifer is getting married this weekend. I think the wedding will be a lot of fun. I love the dress that I get to wear since I am a bridesmaid. I really though that if anyone was going to get married first it would be me. I am the one that hads the most stable realationship. i really hope taht their marriage works out. They haven\\'t always gotten along really well. In fact when I first met her a year ago he was galavanting around town with some 5 other gulklirls. She is just that type of girl though to go for the \"jerk\" kind of guy. i really think that this was more of a pressure thing that they are doing this because since he went into the Air Force and then found out that he was going to Alaska I think he was scared to do it alone and he knew that he has always had her buy a string. I n all the time that I have known them they have never been really compasionate to each other and whats worse is that I used to hate him because of how he treated her and all the things I heard about him. well I wish the best for the two of them. I hope I don\\'t forget anything for the wedding this weekend. I am still so nervous about this semester since I am in a new school. I think that I will be okay though because I know how to magage my time and use it wisely. It\\'s dunny because there is always something to do. Tonight I made dinner for my boyfriend, my roomate and 2 of his roomates. That makes me feel good when I can do other things for people like that. We had spagetti salad french bread and I baked some cookies. I am feeling a t peace with myself right now becuase I now that I am doing all I can do to be the best. Not because I made dinner. But because I have gotten so much accomplished today int he way of school work and all the errands I had to run. It is so nice to sit here in this quiet apartment by myself and write for 20 min. I feel bad because I din\\'t work out today. I have been doing really well though by going at least 3-4 times a week and running 2-3 miles a day and then doing weights. For some reason though I feel really fat. When I think about what I ate at dinner I want to gag. Oh my gosh I just thought about my Gov class and how boring it is. It was funny though becuase he was telling us that one student said that it was so boring it made him want to gounge his eyes out with a spoon. That;s hilarious becuase thats kind of how I felt today. The cool thing is that he published his lecture notes and I think they will help out a lot. He is also going to give out the test that he used in the summer for us to study. I don\\'t think I have had a prof with worse organizationl skills. I was trying to take notes and it was so hard becuase he jumps around so much. you got to feel sorry for the guy though. At least he knows that he is not the most interesting guy. He also told us thata student told him that he talked like Norm Mcdoland. Very monotone. That was funny. The more and more I think about it it is true. Geez I can\\'t believe I still have to do that long lab report that is going to take me forever and my TA has still not emailed me beck. At least for the first one she is going to grade them and then return them so we can correct it. That\\'s really cool of her ', \" I am feeling sad but feeling so much better. Yesterday was hopeless, today there is hope. I am realizing that I am so much more complete without my boyfriend than I was with him. Next time I will not let someone control my thoughts and actions so completely. Next time I will not let myself make excuses for someone. I have learned a lot. I feel like I want to kiss him so bad, to feel his lips on mine, to feel his skin on mine. I want him to hold me all night and tell me everything is all right. But in my heart I know it is. It is so hard to be his friend but I want to so much. He says he doesn't want to lose me. It is funny, we see each other more often now that we are just friends. And no that is not friends with benefits. There is no way I would let him take advantage of me like that. . but it would be so much fun. Then it would hurt so much. It's really not hard to be with him, I love being with him. The hard part is leaving him. Every time I do I feel like I may never see him again. He hugs me and says it will be ok, babe, I promise. I know he is right, it will. I just wish it was going to be like I thought it was going to be. I had such big plans for this fall. After waiting on him all summer, who could blame me? He seemed so perfect for me last May. What happened? I need to stop asking myself these questions and move on with my life, I know that. But being his friend and seeing him all the time is going to make that more difficult. I am just trying to be as sweet as possible and show that there are no hard feelings. I really am not mad at him; I just wish I could change the way he felt. Alright, that is not really true. The truth is, I wish he was a different person. I wish he was the person I imagined he was and truly believed he was all summer. Instead, I fell in love with a commitment-phobic guy who drinks to much and actually owns a rifle. I can't believe I could be so stupid. He looks so sweet and innocent. I am moving on though. Or I will be shortly. I just need to dwell for a little longer. Like I said, there is hope today. I know I am beautiful and intelligent and witty and sweet, I don't need him to tell me that. I just wish I had someone who would. I am trying so hard to be independent but I have never really had a significant other I could depend on so I guess it's not that hard. I guess I am just in love with the idea of being in love. I want to be swept off my feet. I just hope I'm not infected with that crazy disease where I can only love people who don't love me back because I want to make people love me. I really hope I don't push people away. I try so hard to be a good girlfriend but when someone doesn't call you when he says he's going to and leaves you hanging a million times, what are you supposed to do besides get upset and threaten to break up with them? I definitely put up with his shit for way too long. I know he will be a better friend than a boyfriend. It will just be so hard if I have to see him or hear about him with someone else. Especially if that someone else happens to be his ex-girlfriend. She tried to get back together with him this summer when I was 3 hours away. What a bitch, I can't believe she would do that. I hope he isn't still in love with her. Oh well, there is nothing I could do about that anyway. Didn't I say there was hope today? Well, there is: for the first time in days, I actually felt hungry. It felt so good to eat and not feel like I was going to throw up. It also felt good to not burst into tears every five minutes. Yeah, there were a few times when I would have liked to, but I think I did alright today. After all it has been only a little over 24 hours since he made his decision. I am doing very well, I think. I think it is helping that he wants to be my friend. When I told him I didn't know because it would be hard, he begged me, saying, Please try, I don't want to lose you. I am glad he did that because I don't want to lose him either. Even if he is all wrong for me, at least he can be there as a friend for me. He says he might want a relationship with me eventually but I don't want to wait for him. I can't. It would end up making me more miserable than ever. I think I am better off just going on with my life and talking to him only as a friend. I think the more I see him the more I will realize how wrong he is for me. I need someone who will put me before his buddies and who will love me with everything he has. I need someone who is ready to make a committment to me. I need someone who will send me flowers just because he is thinking about me. I need a fairytale romance, I need to be swept off my feet, I need love, real love, crazy love. Like all the songs, all the cliches, that is what I want more than anything. And I don't even know if I believe it exists. I want to, but c'mon folks, let's be realistic. Somehow my parents still manage to love each other but there is not really much passion there, at least that I am aware of. Maybe there is, but I doubt it. If true love is more than just a friendship, that means it involves chemistry and passion, but that stuff fades, it always fades. So what is to separate a strong, passionate friendship with true love? Fucked if I know. All I know is, things are really looking up for me now. I'm going to be just fine. :) \", \"the reason for that is because of this girl I'm interested in. this relationship has had a lot of problems, but nothing I can really do about it. this girl is someone that my roommate dated last semester. I was with her at the end of the semester and I felt that things were pretty good. now my roommate still likes her and tries to make moves on her. this guy is a real good friend of mine too. because of this I don't want to be serious about this girl. I think she really likes me, but then I feel guilty about what I'm doing. she's the kind of girl that has a lot of guy friends. I went to a club last night and she was there. I was dancing with her and felt bad because my roommate was there also. I felt so bad I sort of pushed her away whenever she got close. during that night she also danced with my roommate and other guys. all those guys danced real close to her which made me made me feel real sad. I don't have the right to be jealous because we really are not together, but emotions are too hard to control. I just wish I could hold her and be with her, but the situation is just too awkward. \", \"I am very tired. Actually I am not sure if I am tired or if I am just wanting to be tired. It almost seems strange but being tired is almost like a way out, or my ticket away from always having to be around people. I ma usually considered the very social one, whether it is with my friends or my family, but I have always been the one that should be so happy. I love country music. I remember that I used to listen to it all of the time when I was a freshman in high school. I think that I might have listened to it then because all of my new friends did and I wanted to be exactly like them. I also remember that Barron used to listen to it. I guess it made me feel cooler when I could sing along to the songs in the car with everyone else. College is so weird and I miss my Mom and Dad so much. I got to see Mom today and it was so great, and now I really want to cry. I wanted to cry when she left, and now that she is gone I want to cry even more. I am not going to cry though because if someone walked in here then it would take forever and they would never leave because they think that they have to, and that they can somehow make me feel better and stop missing my parents. Lizzie looked so cute today. She is getting older way too fast. Kind of reminds me of myself. She has a really bad temper though and I think that she got it from my mom. She is so damn smart though. I miss having that kid say weird things all of the time. Making me laugh. I have had really weird dreams lately. I think that Travis must be really tired I wonder if he really only does like me that much when he is drunk. I have words sometimes. Sometimes I just really hate everything. I miss Jenna being able to tell me to go to sleep and everything would be better the next day in high school. Jenna has a new best friend now. Seems like everyone always has a very best, closest friend and I never really have just one. I am usually best friends with the guys. I guess that Jenna and I used to be inseparable very best friends, but being in San Antonio will really tear two people apart. I really don't want to read my psychology. I want to read Harry Potter. I think that I almost make myself want to read because my mom loves it so much. I love my mom, and I miss going to camp. I need to stop missing things and take some of my advice to heart. I know what is right and wrong and I know the harsh facts of things coming and going in life. I wonder if the sophomore girls had fun this weekend while they were in Austin. I think that that is pretty silly that they came up here for a whole weekend as a birthday party when they can't even go out, except to maybe like a movie. I wonder if Austin is really crazy about Kyle and I wonder if Brad has ever thought about getting with or dating Rachel Perry. I miss high school. I miss my megaphone and my big blue bronco and being able to want to go to college. Last night I had really good margaritas. They would have been so much better if the were frozen. I want to meet Vince Gill. I hope that someday King sings to me. I want to date King. Not just get with him but date him. I always like one boy and try to date him and end up dating his best friend, but still wishing that I could date the other one. I wonder if King's girlfriend is really cute. Julie is here. She is so much fun, she reminds me of Jill Clower but I seriously think that she is so much nicer than Jill Clower could have ever been. I really don't want to do this stupid assignment. I don't want to do this anymore. I could totally stop and come back and no one would ever know, but I am sure that there is some kind of point or something and I wonder if anyone is really going to ever read this I wonder how George Magel is doing. That boy never really changed since 6th grade. There are two ways to write 6th on this computer. I had so much fun walking on sixth street the other night with Tim. It would be really cool if he would call me. I really was looking forward to coming to college and making a best friend that would be in my wedding and move to New York with me for no reason, and do fun things like shop for fruit and flowers and watch old movies. I don't think that I have found my real best friend yet. I wonder if people really think that you only have one mate out there waiting for you. I wonder if that is true. No one could ever prove that. The only person who knows things like that is God. My Dad is really close to God. I really do think that the closer you are to God the better your life is. You may not be famous, or always have the cutest clothes, but you will know what and who you love and what is important to you, and those few, simple things that are important will work out perfectly, they way God wants. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and things will never go wrong. I wish that I could sing. That would be so cool. I love to dance also, and I can't wait to try out for pom squad. I love being in front of everyone. I wonder how Lizzie learned to work computers. That is a weird kid. I am really bad at computers, you can ask Mrs. Allen about that one. Mrs. Allen would love Lizzie. She is so computer and gets everything done, and understand computers. What she doesn't understand she can figure out also. Jennifer Welch is really nice but I hate the fact that she is so pretty. I miss Sarah. I wish that I could decorate a room and rationalize as well as her. Lately I have not really been so tired. I have been running on about 3 to 5 hours of sleep a night, but it has been okay. I really think that I could look a lot better if I had been running and sleeping more. I think that in a while I am going to go jogging outside, but I better do it before it gets dark Inbox users: Get your email on your mobile phone Powered by InterMail from Software. comNew! Help Add URL Advertise on Excite Jobs@Excite Press Releases Copyright (c) 2000 At Home Corporation. All rights reserved. Excite, @Home, the Excite logo and the @Home logo are service marksor registered service marks ofAt Home Corporation in the United States and other countries. Disclaimer and Privacy Statement \", 'This comp science lab is pretty nice and I\\'m kind of confused about what to say or do here. I mean I\\'ve been thinking about all this stuff lately and now that I come to write stuff down nothing really comes to mind except filler, you know, the kind of random thoughts you think that don\\'t really mean much at all, I mean look at this thing I\\'m typing right now! I didn\\'t make the band but that\\'s ok I guess more time for Geology 401 and Matt isn\\'t in it either so its all good. I want to go swing dancing tonight but Jeff isn\\'t there (well and Rob\\'s line is busy so its kind of bunk) cause I take the bus, but it doesn\\'t run as late as I\\'ll be out. Anyway. Um well lets see I guess I\\'m supposed to be writing about what I\\'m like thinking and stuff. Actually I\\'m wondering if anyone will ever read this, so I\\'m somewhat apprehensive: I\\'ve been thinking some pretty damn personal stuff lately so I don\\'t really want to broadcast on the World Wide freaking Web. I also just typed a profanity and replaced it with a euphemism. I guess that\\'s in case someone actually reads this too. Cara. Hehehe that was cryptic, wasn\\'t it?? See I\\'m kind of giving a vague notion here. I just type what I think. So there you have it. Wow Five minutes and my wrist feels funny. the FAC Typing things. keyboards, I mean. they aren\\'t very ergonomic if you know what I mean and the surface of the desk kind of hurts. Replace Keyboard. Well it looks like Matt is getting into this assignment, too. which is really kind of cool when I think about it. It will be interesting to me to actually go back and read the thing, cause I\\'m always editing what I write but now I\\'m just kind of going forward. relax. I don\\'t know let me see well I\\'m kind of hungry, isn\\'t that like part of the Id? I always heard about that-- you know, along with Superego and stuff hey check it out I just read the instructions while I was typing that line and I didn\\'t even miss any keys. Not bad eh? This is kind of odd for me in another way, too because I\\'m a Linguistics Major and well see I know most of the stuff they teach in 306 already, but the Professor seems cool enough. No more high school. Ten minutes to go. Living at home is ok. I can take the metro bus. Matt is cracking up. If you read his (That\\'s \"Kay, Matthew\") you probably shouldn\\'t count it as much cause I can hear him stop typing to re-read what he already wrote and that\\'s not ver continuous, now is it? I hope I have enough money for food this week. $20 has to last me. I hat this space bar it sucks a lot. You have to hit it real no really hard just to make it go. see what I mean?? I hate it when people use adjectives instead of the proper adverbs. How hard is it to put on a little anyway? My generation doesn\\'t care, I guess. She\\'s so smart. In fact she went to Duke when she was a Junior in High School. Damn it I get mad just picturing her somewhere else having fun with someone else. But its cool I don\\'t have to worry. or so I say. how could someone so Awesome be alone for long? No no no. I only see her once a week. It will never work. Okay. well no I\\'m better. I didn\\'t mean to go all mushy, in fact I\\'m thinking about going back and deleting that stuff. you know, in the name of science and all. Isn\\'t that weird how I use the second person? As if I actually expect it to enhance readability or something! I guess I\\'m trying to make this whole thing like a VERY one sided conversation. Click click goes the happy little keyboard. My fedora is on the table. I learned the other day that its a Bush Hat from Australia and not really a fedora but its all good because I still think it looks good. People think I\\'m funny wearing a fedora all the time, but I don\\'t care. They can just piss off. I get lots of Indiana Jones jokes. Loss. I\\'m at a loss here. Ever since that paragraph where I talked about her it got all funky and now its happening again. No. I have a striped shirt on that\\'s white and burnt orange but nobody said anything. I guess that\\'s ok but I thought it was really nifty. 20 minutes seems like a long time at first but then I guess when you get to the end of it its not really WELL DAMN Matt is looking at my screen, that bastard. I had to stop typing for a sec to make him look away. I guess he didn\\'t see anything deeply embarrassing. rrHahahah Well times up. I want my cookie. ', \"ok, I'm really stressed out right now! I've been running around all day, then I got back to my friend's dorm and remembered that I had to do this writing assignment! Of course, stupid me. I didn't know the web address to get here. I had to call my roommate and have her look up the address on my computer. and now its almost 5pm! GREAT. Well, anyway, I'm so happy about last night. This really hot guy that I like invited me over last night to hang out at his apartment :) Exciting! It was a lot of fun. Now I can't stop thinking about him! I also can't stop thinking about Ryan. He still won't talk to me because of that stupid bitch he is dating. I HATE HER. She got between me and Ryan's relationship, firstly, and then our friendship as well. It's only been 4 minutes. I can't think right now. I'm so anxious for this weekend. Well, back to Ryan. every night for the past couple weeks, I've had dreams about him. They won't stop, it's getting annoying. Even last night I had a dream that we ran into each other in Houston and were immediately friends again. That's what I wish would happen. He looked so cute in the dream. so I wake up thinking about the stupid asshole. BUT, at least this morning I woke up next to a hot guy :) :) That makes things a lot easier on me. the only way I know how to get over a guy is by dating a new one. I need distractions, GOOD distractions, to keep my mind off of Ryan. It sucks. I miss him so much but I know he probably doesn't give a shit about me. SO, I just want to feel. wanted. And if it's by this guy, Jason, that would be PERFECT. He is awesome- cute, cool apartment, easy to get along with, funny, and he is even in the business school at UT! Pretty impressive. Of course, with my luck, I'm sure he has plenty of girls after him- so why would he choose to be with me. Hmmm well I can pray that he does! At least he wanted to be with me last night, that's a plus. I have to think about something else! It's driving me crazy. I need to go hang out with Laura soon. she will make me talk about something besides guys! Yummm can't wait to order those delicious cookies from Tiffany's Treats! 13 minutes. ALrighty then. I think I have about a million thoughts running through my head right now and I can't seem to distinguish any certain thought. Does that make sense? Ehh, oh well. School is a stressful place, especially now. What we do now creates what we can do for the rest of our lives! I don't want to fail. yet I'm actually scared that I might. I've never been scared of failing a class- ever. I never made below a B on my report card in high school. College is SO incredibly different! I really do love it here. Even though the classes are challenging, UT is awesome. I like having a big campus. it makes it feel like college. It's the way it should be. At least I have a little workout every day- walking to class and up & down all those stairs all the time. Its tiring! OK, 2 minutes left. JC is distracting me. I want to stop typing now! I'm sure whatever I just wrote down is somewhat interesting. I don't even remember what I said. What should I do tonight. hmmm everyone is going to the game tomorrow. My dumbass didn't get the sports package so I can't go :( How sad. \", 'Well, I guess this is the first time that I have ever done anything like this. I mean, the first time that I have talked about ANYTHING to anyone. What I\\'m really thinking about right now is index cards. I need to make flash cards for my Introduction to Medical and Scientific Terminology class, and I don\\'t have any index cards. I feel like I need to complete that task now. Why is it that I must always do EVERYTHING in one day? I just can\\'t ever seem to take my time and relax. I guess if I had any form of OCD, that would be it; I\\'m a perfectionist who needs to clear her schedule. Now, if I wait until this Stream of Consciousness Writing is over, it\\'ll be like almost eleven thirty at night before I\\'m done. Should I really go out and get my index cards then? I need like a pack of 200 of them, but I really need more for the future. I guess I could wait to get more index cards when I get home to Houston this weekend, then I would know exactly where to buy them, or I could even get my mom to get them for me in Houston, that would be very convenient for me. I miss my mom most. She does everything for me. Its not that I miss her just because she did everything for me; its just that she is this really great person. She is so genuine. I know she loves me truly because she goes out of her way to make me happy. Why can\\'t I meet more people like that in my life? I hope I marry someone who can take care of me as well as my mom and dad can. Man, I miss my dog, too. I guess I am a little obsessed with my dog, but I can\\'t help it. She is so cute. And she is been there ever since I was like 12. We\\'re inseparable, and I wonder and worry about how she is doing without me. Dogs are great aren\\'t they? They never get angry at you or make you upset. They always are loyal, and give love one hundred percent. I wish that people could be as nice as dogs are. I wish my boyfriend would be happier. He is the main reason why I worry so much of the time. I really never thought it was really possible to cry so much that your eyes get swollen, until I met him. I worry a lot about him, not about our relationship, but about him. I wish he would be happier, treat himself better, love himself more, and feed himself. The man\\'s the pickiest man I have ever met! I have never made one thing that he thought was yummy. I have never taken him to a restaurant that he thought was good. Everything is always decent. \" Decent? I know he doesn\\'t mean to be condescending in any way, but it really makes it seem that he is being super condescending. I know that he feels that he wants to enjoy the fine fruits of life; food being one that should be simple to enjoy, but with his ideal of fine food, I don\\'t know if he will ever feel that. That\\'s one thing about psychology. My boyfriend always says what he wants, but he never feels it when I try to give it to him. I believe that he never feels it because somewhere in his head, his innate response to anything I do is a negative one, therefore his response is negative. His mind tells him to not like it and therefore he ends up thinking that he really doesn\\'t like it. It\\'s all in the mind. If he told himself to like it, he would; But the fact of the matter is that he doesn\\'t. All right, I\\'m going to shut up about him all ready. I think that this writing assignment is pretty cool. It\\'s like writing in an electronic diary, like on the show \"Sex and the City,\" except that these thoughts are really not very private because I guess Professor Pennebaker or one of the TA\\'s is going to read it, but I\\'m really okay with one of them reading it. It\\'s not like I have anything really vulgar or nasty to say. I\\'m so full. I don\\'t think I should have eaten all that Kraft Macaronni and Cheese, but hey, on the bright side, its a great source of calcium, which is something that growing women need, so I guess its kind of a good thing. Hahaha. I can\\'t believe that I just tried to justify overeating, at least I don\\'t have to worry about getting fat over it. Nobody in my family is fat or even chubby. I don\\'t think I\\'ve gained any weight here because I do so much walking, so who cares if I ate extra macaroni; I used skim milk instead of whole milk, and I added salt to it instead of butter, thus I feel no guilt. Dude, I could really go for a Coke right now. Coca Cola is so good. Its so expensive though, and its so bad for your teeth and kidneys. What makes it taste so good? I think its that bubbly feeling you get in the back of your throat when you drink it; not like that nasty gross Diet Cola. Diet Cola is disgusting. I don\\'t understand why people drink Diet when there\\'s real Cola. I\\'m sleepy. I don\\'t sleep much here in Austin, because all I do is go to school, and then I come home, eat, and then do homework for the whole rest of the time. It\\'s a bitch. I need my sleep man. I don\\'t get more than 5 hours of sleep at most. I had four freaking classes today! Can you believe that? from 9 in the morning to 5 in the afternoon, I had class. And get this, what really made today bad was that while I was waiting for the bus, a huge, green, black striped, spider was crawling up my shirt and was like two inches away from my face! I thought I was going to DIE! I HATE SPIDERS! If I had any kind of phobia, its spiders. I don\\'t like any bugs, but Spiders are the worst. They\\'re so ugly and creepy and scary. I thought I was really going to cry. It made me so anxious and nervous. I went home and showered. My writing assignment is almost over now. I feel a little bit of relief and a little bit sad at the same time, how pathetic. hahaha. I\\'m kinda sad because I like writing all my thoughts down, but I\\'m relieved because I have a lot of other stuff to do still. ', \" 311, I never actually listened to them. man my eyes itch. wow, Im supposed to be typing instead of talking to Arturo. Man, this song is so melodic and soothing. It reminds me of sandy beaches and sunshine. Well anyway this is college, dorms filled with all of the decor of people's personalities and homes from their towns. Sometimes I wonder why people are the way they are. It's quite complex and difficult, but I'm sure their environment had a lot to do with their personalities and social qualities. I truly believe that social qualities mean a lot. People need to understand that everyone is different and because, don't read this Adan. The song has changed into a classical melody and by the same band, oh no, Tool. Music, is a language everyone can speak. You can't go wrong with music. It's a huge part of my life. wow, Aenima ( tool song) is redone with orchestra instruments. Aenima is an interesting song about Armageddon. Speaking of Armageddon, is God going to come to Earth, or Jesus for that matter. Biologically, we are just organisms living out our lives. And for what? To not sin and go to heaven? There are so many religions out there, I mean, controversy is going to be a given. Why is John reading this. Is he interested in what is on my mind. Well anyway, Respect for other's religions is something I find extremely important and essential to understand at the University of Texas at Austin. Instead of looking at a muslim and saying holy shit what's up with that just think to yourself how they see your religion and judge yourself. Live, and let live. Have respect. I feel as though people close to me in my home in Rockport do not realize the respect I have for them. They never realize, is this the same orchestrated song by tool, hold for 1 sec please. Alright some middle time AFI, their a gothic punk band, that can be described as purity in darkness. They are one of my favorite punk bands. Sometimes I wonder what the lives of Davey Havok and Afi are like. They seem as though they are really nice people. Having taken a picture and briefly and nervously talked to them. Yeah Bob Marley, a legend. Now thats good stuff. I mean who doesnt like Bob Marley? His music flows through your body like the many pints of blood do. You just want to sit back and enjoy a nice beverage, for me preferably corona and a nice tequila of some sort. Not partying or whatever; it's wierd how we use party as a verb. Buffalo soldier in a war for America. Bob Marley used his fair share of pot, but he did not die from it. Who dies from cannibus? Is it really that bad? Should we legalize it? Nevada's police force seems more concerned with other crimes than Marijuana. Personally, I believe marijuana is better \", \"I love this song so much. well, actually I love the band. Our Lady Peace, where did they come up with this name? It doesn't matter but it's just a question. I can't help but think back to freshman year of high school and remember the times that these songs remind me of. those were good times. ahh, well times change and new things come along. geeze, I'm so hungry. I can't wait to go eat with mom and dad. They are so great. I can't believe how much money they've spent on me and sam for college so far. wow, that's a lot and I'm so lucky. this next song is so good. I love this whole cd. music is such a great thing to have. it expresses feelings that you can relate to and it is a great way to relax. school is so different. I don't know what to study and there is so much reading. I feel so overwhelmed. oh, the football is is tomorrow. I'm so excited about it. they better win. and the red sox I hope will keep on winning. I want them so badly to go to the playoffs, even if they are the wildcard. they deserve it. isn't it funny how you come to like something? for example, how I became to like the redsox. I know I came to like them because of michael. it's funny how you like something or show interest in something that the person your dating likes. I couldn't help but like them because he did and it gave us something to talk about and be interested in. I like the redsox now and it came from him. he is such a great person. I can't believe we've been together for this long. almost 3 years is such a long time, but it has been great. he is sweet, funny, kind, nice, beautiful and he makes me feel good. He is my best friend. I can't wait to go get my pedicure today with Andrea. It will be good to see her and spend time with her, she is such a sweet girl and is always willing to talk to me. it's weird not seeing all my friends from high school. I miss them so much. I can't Anna had a baby! She is such a great mom and everything, but she is missing out on so much not being able to go to UT or Saint Mary's like she wanted to. I'm glad she is determined to still take classes at ACC though. She is making the best out of her situation and I'm so proud of her. And Ella, her baby. What a beautiful baby! I love her so much. I can't wait until she can play and talk. I want to play with her and just be able to have fun with her. I want to spoil her even though she isn't my baby. I'm getting so tired just sitting down. I want to do something, maybe, vacuum the room. It's getting kind of dirty. I want to eat! I miss my animals. I want them to live with me here in the dorm. I love petting them and giving them attention. I'm glad I went home yesterday. Even though I go home at least once a week, I miss being there. I miss my brother, parents, and the animals. Andy is so funny. He has no one to play with or antagonize. He tries to wrestle with mom and she can tell that he misses us. This is the best song on this cd. It is so pretty. \", ' Right now I am sitting here typing, with the tv on in the background and I am feeling very tired. I think this is because I didn\\'t get nearly enough sleep last night. Why didn\\'t I get enough sleep, you ask. Well I don\\'t know. I usually go to bed sometime before eleven, or sometime right before twelve and sometimes after twelve. I guess you could say between 11 and 12, right? Yeah. And I start my day somewhere around 7:30. That is NOT NEARLY enough sleep. But what\\'s funny is this is the only time of day when I feel really lethargic: around 5 or six o clock. Maybe it is biological. Maybe we all feel tired at certain points according to our bodies. I think there should be a law that we all have to take siestas in the afternoon like they do in Mexico. That seems glorious. Not to mention it\\'s good for you! You are more refreshed and able to handle tasks more efficiently and with more energy. Even as I type I can feel myself drifting off. Do not fall asleep. Do not fall asleep. Oh great. I pressed a wrong key and now the time started over. I had two minutes of typing under my belt. That\\'s beautiful, just beautiful!!! I think I will just sit here and make up for that time. Doop de doop. Doop de dooooop. . . . . . Well, I\\'m very glad it\\'s Friday tomorrow. Not that it makes much of a difference, but still. I can sleep in on the weekend, that\\'s a big deal to me. I\\'m not sure what I\\'ll do with the weekend. Probably catch up on reading for classes. I\\'m really concerned about that. I\\'ve been slacking off a bit and that\\'s just awful, classes have only been in session for what, just two weeks or something. Yuck. I\\'m such a procrastinator. Well, I don\\'t know what else to talk about. This is boring and I\\'m getting bored just doing this because I\\'d rather be napping. Not to mention the clock says only 3 minutes and I KNOW the true time should be somewhere around five!!!! Here, this is entertainment. I will type out a poem completely from memory. Ladies and gentlemen, The Road Less Traveled by Robert Frost: Two roads diverged in a yellow wood and sorry I could not travel both and be one traveler, long I stood and looked down one as far as I could to where it bent in the undergrowth then took the other as just as fair and having perhaps the better claim because it was grassy and wanted wear though as for that the passing there had worn them really about the same and both that morning equally lay in leaves no step had trodden black oh I saved the first for another day yet knowing how way leads on to way I doubt if I shall ever come back I shall be telling this with a sigh somewhere ages and ages hence two roads diverged in a wood and I, I took the one less traveled by and that has made all the difference. What a beauty of a poem, no? I\\'ve always liked it. Don\\'t remember why I had to memorize it. probably for a class way back in middle school. Some people have told me they don\\'t understand the last line. I just feel secret annoyance towards them. What\\'s there not to understand?! It\\'s clear as a bell, people! I like Robert Frost. Here\\'s another one I know called Fire and Ice: Some say the world will end in fire Some say in ice From what I\\'ve tasted of desire I hold with those who favor fire but if it had to perish twice I think I know enough of hate to say that ice is also great and would suffice I also like Stopping by Woods On a Snowy Evening, the one that ends \"And miles to go before I sleep. \" Yep. Also that poem called Nothing Gold Can Stay. Why do I know so much about Robert Frost you ask?! Heck you got me. I don\\'t even know. I just think his poems are nice. What other poets do I like. That\\'s a good question. I have no idea. Well, that\\'s probably not true, but I can\\'t think of any at the moment. In Decathlon in school we studied lots of poems, by Langston Hughes and Sylvia Plath and Robert Frost (a really bad one, though) and George Meredith and lots of other peeps. Some of them were cool, some were most definitely not. I think I will write a poem of my own, right here, right now. I call it \"The Cat Came Home\". The Cat came home and he thought he was there to stay but what he didn\\'t know was that the owners had moved away They left the lights on They left dishes in the sink The Cat came home and in a swift minute didn\\'t know what to think Should I stay or should I go The Cat asked himself that day What should I do about this What should I say? Well The Cat found no answers just an empty litter box So he said, Eh who cares and tore up all the socks Maybe I should get that one published! Well my time is almost up thank goodness, so I should think of an appropriate end to this free writing assignment, a summation if you will. This was mainly about poems and poets and the unsolved mystery of why I don\\'t get enough sleep. Yep, that\\'s all. Nothing too exciting. And what do you expect. There is absolutely nothing worthwhile on TV at this moment. ', \"I don't know what I am going to do in this. This type of assignment is something I have not done before. I guess I have no idea is because that I do not have a topic to write on. I have always have had a topic assigned to me. This is el-hazard music. Just by looking at the images of the CD cover, I can tell that this is going to be good. In fact, I am listening to it right now. I have no idea why I am writing this down in here, but it is a part of my thought. This has a lot of base, but it does not stick out. Has a very good balance of treble and base. What am I going to write about. I am hungry. May be I can go to kinsolving later. I think that they start dinner at four thirty. Another track has started. This is a slow song now. It is the music from the fourth episode where the demon goddess is freed from her master's control and gained her freedom for the first time. The cat Ura was cool. She can mountain climb. I think that was a cliff. She is the coolest cat ever. I have to do this for 20 minutes. What oh yes the ura. The series is El-hazard. They don't have anything good on the internet on it. this sucks. I have to download that song tonight. I hope this time the connection is good enough. Why is some of the music stupid. Wait, if I listen to this closely, it is very good if the voice of the actress is older. The story has good development. The ova series starts with the discovery of the demon goddess Ifurita in a certain high school and the main guy is sent to the world El-hazard through a portal created by Ifurita. Why is the TV series different from the OAV series. The princess Rune Venus looks cute, I like her better in the OVA series. I think a world like el-hazard lives in our hearts. Rune Venus was rescued by the teacher. That was cool. Fugisawa kick. There were this little girl in the story. She was Aielle. The 3 priestess was pretty. fire, wind and water. Reminds me of Ah megamisama. 15 minutes. Ifurita was awakened by junnai. Then he and Ifurita invaded Roshiraria the kingdom of El-hazard. They had to use the eye of god for defense. The TV series was called the wanderers. that was cool. The main guy can access ancient relics. He gave back ifurita her freedom by turning off the master obey chip. The war was still going on the Roshitaria used the eye of god. Kimdom of bugrom got kicked. The shadow nation intervened. The moved the eye of god out of control for the revenge a long time ago. They were remnant of the tribe that come across this world when the eye was first fired. They were hated afterwards. Makoto. I am hooked on this series too much. The main guy got control of the eye through Ifurita but Ifurita sustained the impact and was transported to the location where the high school will be in 10000 years. Ifurita then waited 10000 years for makoto to appear and send makoto to the land of el-hazard. After the impact, Ifurita learned the secret of eye of god. It is a dimensional cannon. what was cool. is it 20 minutes yet. Still 2 minutes. Have I been keeping time correctly. KOR orange road. I am still listening to the same music. cool. I can't wait to see the TV series tape # 2. It is going to be very good. I don't know I guess I am too excited about this thing to stop, I have not even realized I stayed on the same topic for long. men. \", \"It is Wednesday, December 8th and a lot has been going on this semester. I am trying to finish the semester out as strong as possible but it has not gone the way it was expected to go. although the overall grades that will be received is not that overall impressive, I know the work that was put into this semester was the most put into to school since high school. the only class that was a disappoint meant so far was my psy class. with two test left, there was still a chance to make an A or B in the class which was expected. it turns out after bad test four results when everything felt as if the test went well, the goal of the class shifted from trying to get an A or B to get simply trying to get a C and pass. granted that the most stress of the semester fell during the week of test three due to all the health issues and having like 10 different assignments and three test, it was still a disappointing outcome but focus can only be placed on what is left. the last three exam are going to be pretty tough with a chance for me to make to A's and a B's if a perfect score is received on two of the finals and an A on the other. My only focus has been on the two exams on Saturday but it does not feel like there is enough time in the day for every topic to be covered. all that can be done is to prepare as much as possible and pray that everything turns out right. doing well in school this semester would relieve the large amount of pressure that is a result of me not being concerned with school over family issues. It seems as though just when I try to get on track a new unthinkable obstacle just shows up. this semester the fact that I was taken advantage of and received and std as a result of doing something I did not want to do in the first place really makes me mad but I still have to be mad at myself for getting myself in that situation. next semester hopefully no random distractions will pop up and my grades will be all a's which is very possible for me to achieve. Making it through this semester is the number one thing in mind right now. all that is left is to push through these exams and finish strong. all I can do is my best the rest is out of my hands. I have to do something to make it easier for my parents. \", \"I just wasted over an hour and a half trying to get my stupid Ethernet card to work. the worst part is that I waited over four weeks for this stupid thing to come in and now none of the drivers and software recognize it. I think it is royally <blank>. now I have to waste another two hours talking to technical support so they can take the thing back. what a rip. this makes this day a really big let down, considering I complained to my parents about getting this thing up here for me. I could have been doing some of the hundreds of hours of homework that I have to do. this day has been really wasted. every day is a waste. all I do is homework each day and nothing more or less. occasionally I get to watch half an hour of television or go to the union or go play a few video games, but lately, it seems that every class wants me to spend a few hours each night working on their assignments. I haven't even had time to look around the Austin area. I haven't seen a movie in a while either. this place really sucks. I don't do anything really interesting. I have no life. now I’m complaining too much AND being self-conscious. I couldn't even read my notes on that example. he talks too fast for people to keep up. psychology sounds pretty cool. the breeze never hits Austin. it's like it is always hot and the sun never goes away. maybe one day it will turn into fall in this town and finally it's be relatively cool so I don't marinate in my own juices. yeah, I know it sounds gross, but what would you call it? I take a shower, walk to Kinsolving, when I get there, I’m tired and need to take a shower, and I sure do work up an appetite. it's the way back that is a killer. by the time you get back to Moore hill, you feel like rolling over and dying because of your full stomach, the supersaturated shirt and the fatigued feet. I need to jog more. it seems like I’ll never have time. I never have time to do any of my old hobbies. for crying out loud, I can't even get y network card to install onto my notebook. I wish I had time to do my old hobbies, like photography. I could have and should have majored in photography. maybe I should major is psychology. it's a really interesting class and I kind of like it I wish they served more than three flavors of ice-cream. it's like that chicken. 'today for dinner, roasted chicken. for lunch it'll be chicken dumplings, tomorrow it'll be chicken soup. then creamy chicken blank. tomorrow it is chicken patties, the next day it is chicken nuggets, the next day they'll run out of chicken and serve chicken fried steak with chicken gravy for the steak and mashed potatoes' it's repulsive what they serve us. maybe I should reduce my meal plan. better check in the morning. I still have another few minutes. my roommate is asking about cyanide. I guess that’s what happens when your girlfriend dumps you. tough break. he's been really depressed. he's been like this all evening. I wonder what I’ll do tomorrow. I better get a plan together for what needs to be done. hmmm. I wish I could get my net access. now I’m pissed. \", 'To think about what life has become can be kind of scary. I wish I had a penny for every time I was about to mess up and I think I would be a very rich woman. If I only knew at 15 what I now know at almost 21, I could have saved myself alot of pain and confusion. Then couldn\\'t we all have? I get scared sometimes when I think about today, two weeks from now and even years from now. The future is a very scary thing especially when you don\\'t know what it could bring. I wish I hadn\\'t made some of the choices I\\'ve made but those are over and done with aren\\'t they. The only thing I need to learn how to do now is to learn from my mistakes. I feel really bad sometimes because I try to force my ideas and ideologies on those younger than me but I feel older and wiser than my years. I feel alot older than 20 sometimes yet I think, \" hey I\\'m only 20, I have so much life to live\" Yet I\\'m scared to live that life. I wish I could just go with the flow instead of worry about every choice I make all the time. Even when I go with the flow I don\\'t know what I\\'m doing and then I worry about what could happen after the fact. Another thing that really bothers me is the whole concept of love. What is it and how do I know if I\\'ve found it or not. When I was 15 I knew alot more about love than I do now. Why do I ramble on so, it is the same dilemma and the same problems I face every single day. I really should just give up and go with the flow. not worry about things so much. Life\\'s too short to worry right,. All I\\'m doing is stressing myself out over nothing. Stress is not something I should have in my life. My whole world is sheltered and taken care of and paid for. What do I really have to worry about. Not that my dad doesn\\'t have stipulations on what I do but it is all basically taken care of with no questions asked. Life shouldn\\'t be that easy right? Maybe that\\'s why I continue to torture myself with these unnecessary dilemmas. I\\'m one of those drama people to I need drama in my life, something always going on or I get bored. I need conflict but not too much because then I get way too stressed out. I just don\\'t know what to do with daddy\\'s little girl who seems really messed up in the head, There I go again creating drama, I\\'m not really messed up but sometimes I try to convince my self that I am to try to get counseling or something. I think it\\'s a hidden Freudian issue. I should have had counseling when I was a child but I never got it because I didn\\'t really need it. Maybe I was really traumatized as a child and now it\\'s coming out subliminally. Ok enough kelly, this is not like you. I really don\\'t think all of this I just do sometimes. Who knows I sure as hell don\\'t. My dog is so cute now. too bad I don\\'t live with him. I want to be taken care of pampered in a way, just plain babied. That\\'s what should happen for women isn\\'t it. No we should be strong and independent but I don\\'t really feel that way. I would love to live a life similar to my mom\\'s. She isn\\'t as taken care of as I would like to be but my daddy does all right by her. Who knows what life will bring maybe I will quit thinking about it. oh. the clock on my computer says I\\'ve been typing for twenty minutes. Cool this is a really good stress reliever and I really felt like I was talking to someone. Cya ', 'There are many things that have been bothering me lately. I feel as if I have been betrayed by those that should be absolutely loyal. It is sad that people must always interfere in the things that make you happy. It is as if other people sense when you are content and are trying to steal your happiness out from under you. I have made many new friends that I know will be there for me for many years to come. I feel as if I am part of a sacred family that always supports and protects those that it calls its own. Well, that family has just been defiled by the actions of one. Even though I am not perfect myself, by any means, I always try to do my best when it comes to keeping promises. I am afraid to see what may come of this action. The consequences could be severe indeed if we are found to be guilty of this false accusation. I do not understand what could possess another person to want to place his family in jeopardy just for the sake of conversation. I am deeply saddened by this recent turn of events and I hope and pray that everything will work itself out and that my family will survive and be able to grow into the future. I am prepared to accept the consequences of the actions of my brothers; that is what makes us a family. We have already grown beyond the notion of selfishness and are prepared to assist our family members in any situation, even if it means that we will suffer greatly for actions that were not ours to commit. This new family means the world to me. After leaving my home I felt alone and afraid until I found a group of friends so loyal and so trustworthy that I immediately felt at home again. I will do anything to see that my new family is not harmed or defiled in any way. I believe that it is necessary to have a strong support group to succeed, not only as a student, but as a human being. I am prepared to lay down my selfish tendencies for the good of my family. It is the least I can do. I love my new family as much as my old family. I refuse to see it be destroyed. ', \" I am sitting hear at my desk in the dorm listening to Ashley in the kitchen. I hear the cabinets shutting and bowls that are clanging together. I wonder what she is eating for lunch It kind of makes me hungry too. Now I'm thinking about when I'm going to eat . I have my discussion class in another 40 minutes across the street. I'm worried that I won't make it to the psych SI meeting afterwards because there are so many things to do. I told Katy and Jenina that I would go with them, but I really want to go by the party on the plaza to see all the clubs and organizations. I'm not sure why I want to go by there. There are so many different organizations that I want to do and I am feeling so stressed out right now with all the options racing through my head, but i don't want to overcommit because then what if I can't handle the coursework and my grades drop. That also worries me. I have three tests coming up next week at least in my huge intro classes. I am so confused as to what they will be over and how closely I should be reading and what I need to pick up on. That is why I really need to go to the SI meeting today. Hopefully that will help. So now I am thinking back to what organizations I want to join. I am already feeling so overwhelmed with having to squeeze in 10 study hours a week for Kappa Delta. I don't think that much time is unreasonable, but it's just that I have to walk to the house and that takes time and then I might run out of reading to do and just end up sitting there. If it weren't for the rowing team, I would be able to spend plenty of time there, but it just so happens that I row in the afternoon, so I can't really get anything done for a solid length of time. That sidekicks meeting was fun last night, but I really don't think I can go to the party tonight because I need to sleep. I always falll asleep in that RTF class at 8 am and I need to be alert. Oh, and I have that spanish composition that I need to learn vocab and the verb forms for. There is so much to do and I'm worried that I just can't do rowing because it takes so much time, but maybe I'd rather be playing a sport then watching it liek the sidekicks organiztion. I just don't know. I also want to play volleyball, but I can't decide what level to play on. My FIG is starting a team, but will that be frustrating because we won't be good and I want to play competetively or will it be relaxing and fun. I can't decide! I really want someone to tell me what will work best because I just want to enjoy college. Ashley just flushed the toilet so that water is running. I wonder what is wrong with her. She's been so upset the last few days and it's weird that she doesn't stay here some nights. I think it's boyfriend problems, but she won't say. And I think it's weird that Tim was over here when I walked in last night. If I were Diana I think that would weird me out, but I guess I shouldn't worry about that. He seems nice though. I miss everyone so much. I love Anna and my KD girls, but life just isn't the same. I don't want to be home, but I want all my friends to be here with me. No one understands me liike they do and I miss all the closeness that we had together. I especially wish jennifer and Becky were here. I need to be harassed by Becky in her caring funny way and I need Jen's crazy overexcited guess what every now and then. I hope Ashley is doing well. She's probably in London right now. The T. V. is on in the next room and I hear a motorcycle outside. I hate those things so much. They are so dangerous. I can't decide what to do tonight. I want to go out and meet guys, but I really shouldn't. I hope that Paul guy doesn't call this weekend. He's the biggest player. Oh I wonder if I have OU tickets yet. I can't believe they're only giving out 2,000. I really need to get to class. I feel guilty after all the september 11th stuff yesterday and not going to the candlelight ceremony, but I just get so depressed after seeing it over and over and then not being with the same people I was at this time last year makes me sad. I miss everyone so much, but now I need to go to class. \", \"Well, I'm listening to 3 Doors Down. My friend told me about this song, and it's pretty good. It's about people being in love. I'm about to change the song to So Far Away by Staind. They're my favorite band. My roommate isn't here right now. I just got finished eating with my brother. He is 31 and the best big brother. When he dropped me off at Jester that was the first time that I have cried since I've been here. I didn't even cry when my mom left. I guess our relationship is stronger even though I don't get to see him that much. I think my roommate and I are going to Lake LBJ this weekend. I have a house on the lake. We'll probably invite a few friends to join us. I guess get away from the dorm life and act like it's summer again. Man, I have a lot to do. I need to return two books, mail a couple of letters, and some other stuff. I should be writing this down. Oh well. Hmmm. I'm running out of things to talk about. Oh yeah, the smell. It smells kinda funny in here because we had chicken wings the other day, and we still haven't cleaned out the dishes. Oh yeah, I have to do laundry too. Dang, that's going to be a pain. I have tons of laundry to do. I'll probably wait until this weekend because then I can use my own washer and dryer. I won't have to wait for anyone else. Now I have to go to the bathroom. I wonder if that counts off if I stop for a second. Well, I'm going to try and hold it in. I wish we had a bathroom in here. Then it wouldn't be that big of a hassle to go to the bathroom real quick. Hmmm. my roommate and I have been hearing these strange noises from the room above us. It sounds like this people are having sex like the bed is moving or something. We're not sure yet, but I think we're going to go up there and see what's going on. We thought it was a laundry room, but who knows. I've been trying to find this song. I know the tune of it. I just can't place the words so I'm having no luck. I'm just adding words that sound good. I heard it in my brother's car, but he was talking and I didn't want to interrupt. I'm looking at some pictures on my wall. Wait. someone just sent me a text message. It was a guy named David. I met him last Sunday walking passed his room. He seems like a nice guy. We went out last night to a movie in Dobie. We got there early so we had about an hour and a half to spare. So, we decided to take a look around Dobie's room so we just started knocking on doors and taking a look at people's rooms. It was crazy, but I liked it. Nothing was planned out. We just started hanging out and then we thought a movie would be nice and just went. It was excited. I hate having things planned out. I don't mind just sitting at home and being lazy. Just taking things when they come along. I don't know if. damn, I hate pop-ups. one just popped up while I was typing. Anyways. I don't know if that's a good thing or bad. Well, I have about a minute left and that David guy is coming over. Perfect timing. I think things happen for a reason. I'm into reading horoscopes and stuff like that. I guess it's kinda childish. \", \"this is one of the most interesting assignments I've had. Frisbee tomorrow I'll be late. I'm homesick and a bad typer is that the right word oh well All my friends and family enjoying themselves without me (sigh) this getting used to college is a little more difficult than I imagined but I guess that I always have trouble starting something new my legs are tired I ran 4 miles and played Frisbee When I started elementary school I cried and clung to my dad's leg Ican't remember middle school Funny how I can remember something farther away than something more recent maybe elementary was more traumatic. Then high school I got really tiny because I think I had a nervous stomach I can hear the girl next to me' s headphones It must be a foreign language We have to do that in French I'm finally getting hungry I thought I never would I need to work out more It is kind of depressing to have once worked out on a team five days a week twice a day with a whole bunch of people now I have to make myself do stuff that is not as fun I go by myself to the gym and to swim at least I found frisbee except they're a little more advanced than me but the practices aren't a s strenuous and as frequent as my old swim practices My room mates sick puking all night I keep washing my hands and the door knob every thing she touches It makes me nervous when people are sick I don't want to catch it and get my life off schedule I mean heck it just got into some kind of routine then I'd go and get sick miss class miss practice and have to get the notes from someone and not fall to far behind that makes me nervous I used to get sick all the time when I swam every winter I would get some kind of 5- 7 day flu and it would usually mess everything up My training for the meets especially I was so frustrated sometime s I would try and convince myself I wasn't sick and I would just keep going as if nothing was wrong and then bam I couldn't do it any longer I would be so weak and tired I had just made it worse Nothing like making a problem even worse Only three minutes to go and I'm hungry I think I will have an apple they taste mmmm I like to eat fruit I had a boyfriend that pretty much didn't eat fruit or vegetable he liked mashed potatoes and gravy chicken fried steak and all that stuff is fine but you have to balance or your going to die to soon probably unless you have good genes people should take care of themselves \", \"I just don't understand some people. Why do guys think that (okay, not all guys) it's okay for them to act like animals? What does he market? It's not easy to write and watch television at the same time. It's even harder to write and talk to someone at the same time. That was so disgusting! Why do girls stay with guys that they don't like? why am I with Chris? I think that I love him, but do I really? I mean how could I do what I did last night if I love him? It could be possible, I guess. What are these people talking about? Is Katherine. what was I going to say? quit making so much noise!!! Clink and clank. All trash is gross. Don't you know that? My mind keeps drawing blanks. Maybe I am trying too hard to think about what I am thinking. Have you ever thought about how you think of things? Well, I guess that is what we are doing here. Ha! This guy is so funny! This show is very funny today. I cannot believe that that lady just cut her old man's hair off. Why don't people have better opinions about themselves? Like me. Why don't I? This thing is annoying. How am I supposed to write my stream of consciousness when this stupid thing says I'm being idle? I ask a lot of questions, don't I? When are these twenty minutes going to be over? Am I going to have to pay Alison to use her computer? Did I spell her name right? Who is that lady? These people act as if they know her. Do they? Oh! I guess that she is a comedian. I guess anyway. A man with a plan! Ha! My hands are cramping. Come on time! Go faster! Faster, faster! Sock sniffing? Okay, whatever you say. Alright! Time is over! \", \"I am so pissed right now because I was almost done and then my sweetmate's phone rang and I got disconnected and now I am just hoping that the phone doesn't ring again, I would like to get this done before the weekend begins. I am very excited about this weekend I think that it is going to be alot of fun. We are doing many things, let's see. Tonight we are going to Hillele first, which is a religious service (Jewish). Those are always nice,. Hillel reminds me of camp which I love. I go to a religious overnight camp in Wisconsin, Ramah. In my last letter I was wondering if anyone is even reading this, maybe you are just checking that we did this and that's it. I mean, it has to be incredibly boring to read 500 of these. although, as a psychologist maybe it is totally interesting, you get to analyze all of us. Those surveys well, I thought they were sort of pointless, just because as the teacher said (or you said if you are reading it), the research is meaningless if the patient knows what is being tested. It's not that I knew the hypothesis for all the surveys but they were pretty obvious and I could tell what the researchers were looking for. I like psychology so far though, I don't know if I am going to agree with everything though. I will have to see, but a friend of mine told me that it gets very logical and I am not the biggest supporter of logic. That must sound very stupid, well, that's not exactly what I mean, but I read this book, actually a short story, Teddy by JD Salinger, who I love and Teddy said you have to look at the world without logic to understand things better. He said that when Eve bit in the apple, she was really biting into logic. This seems very long, I have been writing for a while I also think I should stop because I am very nervous that the phone \", \"I wonder if he thinks about me as much as I think about him. I met this new guy though. I hate it because I have no idea what anyone else here is looking for the same things as I am. I honestly can't wait to be done with school and get on with my life. I hate how slowly the time passes. I just want to be done with school and everything and get a job and get married. I really want to meet someone and fall in love. Its like I am constantly looking for a relationship or something. I guess that since we just broke up I want someone. I wonder if that is how he feels right now too since he just broke up with his girlfriend, so maybe that Friend thing wasn't such a good idea. But I really like him and think he is marriage material or something. I just don't want to be a rebound girl! I don't know, I wonder if Michelle is coming home today because I hate being here by myself because I think too much when I am alone. I am having so much trouble studying because I can't concentrate. I think about stuff that is constantly on my mind. I am really worried that I am not going to do very good this semester. It really worries me. I feel so overwhelmed with things to do and its like I really want a relationship to take the pressures off. I hate to think about what other people think about me, since I am starting my life over here kind of its like I want to make a good impression. I wonder if anyone else feels like that. I want to meet Mr right so bad it seems. I hate how I thought I really loved Damian and all that stuff and then I come here and think about him a lot and now lately after I met this guy all I think about is him and I try to think about Damian. maybe the reason I think about him so much is because he is the first guy that has really shown any interest seriously or made a conscious effort. I try so hard not to make a bad impression. I guess it doesn't really matter. Sometimes I really wish that I could just totally get something out of my head or someone and not even think about it. Sometimes I am thinking about something so much that I can't even sleep. I used to want to go home really bad to see Damian and now I want to spend time with this guy. he just broke up with his girlfriend and all but he makes me not think about Damian. I really thought I loved Damian but he made me feel so crappy all the time and lately I honestly haven't thought of him. He better email me so I will think about him. I don't think he does think to do things for me though. Like he is supposed to go up to the college today and do it but he won't want to make the effort I bet. Ugh! That is one of his worst qualities. I am too consumed by relationships right now and I really wish that I could concentrate really hard on school and get out of here and get an awesome job. the future really scares me. I am really worried about school too. I feel so tense and stressed all the time and there is so much overwhelming me. I can't keep track of everything and know I am going to end up forgetting something! I hate the feeling and nothing can make me not feel this way. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to come to college and try to be successful. I hate how competitive everything is here and all. I really feel ugly all the time too, and fat and I need to go work out but there really isn't ever time to do all this. I am a horrible procrastinator and can't seem to get things done! I really need to write my mission statement for BA class. I have had so long to do that and I haven't done it yet. That is something I have absolutely no desire to do and I wish I didn't have to do it. I am feeling so stressed out right now. It is so hard to make myself study and I never feel like I know as much as any one else and I never feel like I study enough. I have only really studied like two times and I need to get on the ball. I am so scared about Calculus and have a really bad feeling that I am going to do bad in there. There are so many things I want to do in a day and feel there are never enough hours. I hate walking everywhere. Everything is such a huge chore or task it seems like here! I absolutely hate feeling that way too. I feel like I was kind of rude to my parents when they were here. I feel like I don't have time to ever really enjoy my self! I can't stand that feeling either. I think I would feel so much better about myself if I would just spend more time studying. Then I wouldn't have to worry so much about school or doing badly. I also wish I would go workout more because I really am going to get fat pretty soon! I feel like taking a really long road trip and not thinking about school or guys or my future. Just without thinking about anything. \", \" I'm writing this assignment feeling kind of strange because I attempted it yesterdays on my st and my computer froze right when the timer said 19:59. very ironic. I feel very tired right now and really unmotivated. I have a lot to do and I don't feel like doing anything. I wish I could just go to sleep. I need a lot of attention from people these days and I'm just not getting it. matt took my car to san antonio to go to court and he apparently forgot to tell me about it. seems very convinient of him but whatever. he is acting weird, and different but he doesn't know or doesn't see what he's doing. it seems pointless for me to even get angry or bothered by it and I'm slowly beginning to not care. but that will be his loss because he will realize that he should be paying a little more attention to school, sleep, and me then to the things that he is focusing on. maybe I'm just overreacting though, because I seem to do that so well. I don't feel like being here, my head hurts, and I smell burnt popcorn in the hall way. I have a long day tomorrow and my last class is over at 5. I don't know what the day will have in store for me, hopefully I will be able to focus on my studies and not worry about all this other stuff that's bothering me. I need to realize that I can make myself happy and I don't need someone else to make me happy. I don't even know why I'm rambling on about this, its just always in my head I suppose. I hope I get a new car. my dad said I can maybe get something now from the money well get from the insurance. but who knows what kind of car he's going to get me. It will probably be something crappy like I have now. but I can't complain, something is definatly better than nothing, at least in this case. my economics book came in today. finally, becasue I was starting to stress that I was going to get too far behind. I really need to sit down with my books and my notes and try to really comprehend everything. even though I do try but I need more. I need to focus on doing that for all of my classes. but economics and chemistry are the main ones that I might have difficulty in. just because they are very mathy subjects. I might stay at the appartment tonight but I probably won't because I have such an early class tomorrow. well see what happens I suppose. I think matts court started already and he didn't even call me to let me know that he got to town safely. oh well, like I said I'm slowly starting not to care about all of these little things. that might be bad though because it might lead me to not care at all, about anything. it feels bad to feel like you're on the back burner, or that things have changed, though one person might like the change its not good unless both people involved agree with or like the change. I'm so tired right now I could easily go to bed and not wake up until tomorrow. but I can't do that because I have entirely too much work to do. tonight I want to get caught up with my psychology eradings, and I want to study my chemistry and continue to work on hw assignment number two. my roommate just went to heb to get nick a birthday cake. I hope all of that works out ok. if matts still not back ill probably stop by the study lounge to tell him happy birthday but I'm really not into all that socializing that everyone does. I'm usually either really wrapped up with my work or with matt. I don't know how good that is but it makes me happy and that is what counts to me. I just hope it counts to him. oh well. I met with my mentor group earlier. they're all really nice people and I hope I get to know them a lot better as the year progresses. its a pretty fun experience. this weekend should be fun. I'm going to meet up with my friend laura in san Marcos and go see some people that I haven't seen in a long time. I hope I can scrounge up something to wear, because I need to do laundry and I need to go shopping, I have like no clothes anymore, I don't know what happened. my sister is complaining to me about me having her shirts so ill have to give her back her clothes if I see her this weekend. I hinestly don't feel like going home though. it gets too awkward for me. I don't know what but I don't really like it. I'd rather just stay here and study or like watch TV then go home and feel awkward with my family. I have so much to do and I'm starting to stess out and the semester has only begun. I can already see that college is going to be very hectic. I hope I can handle it alright. wow the time is up. \", \"ben stiller and his movies crack me up I wish I was up stairs watching it right now and not writing for 20 minutes on what is on my mind but maybe this way I will tap into my subconscious or something my girlfriend is not answering her phone but she always does I wonder what she is doing. I'm happy that I'm going to dallas to see her but last night she was making me mad by hanging around other guys and at all these parties. I like ut but I think I would have a much better time at smu with her, not only would I be with her a lot more but I like the school better and its not so overwhelming and is a lot smaller. I feel bad for lying to her the other night about having our neighbors, some girls over, but whatever I mean she goes over to guys apts to hang out and I mean since I'm the dominant male figure I guess that inviting girls over means that you like them or something. whatever it just does not register right, I mean like its cool for her to go to a guys apt, but its not for me to have chicks over, like that is not fair and Its not like I like any of these girls its just that I want to be social and have girls as friends just as much as she does. you know its weird that I have these feelings but I almost feel like I could spend the rest of my life with her. she is fun witty sexy as hell blonde rich great person in her heart and I think everything that a guy would want, although she has great things about her there is also some downsides. like in party situations I always find her wondering off and talking to her friends and when I come up to her she acts almost as if she does not know me. is she ashamed? I don't think so but it could seem that way to others. but maybe its because I do it to, I mean when I'm at a party I like to be with my friends to so I guess were both guilty. damn that movie meet the parents is funny and I want to go watch it badly and I have only typed for 10 min, o well halfway done. so its like the glass is half full not half empty because I am a positive, optimist. I like the new book jarrett gave me. sometimes I'm just real un positve about things and a book on being positive can help me out in life and with school. this interview or presentation I went to last night for this sales company was pretty cool I think I could potentially make some money doing it but as I sat there and listened to this over-energetic guy talk about oh yea you can make all this money and blah blah blah I thought to myself this is just one of those get rich quick schemes because at the end of this thing you pay 50 for a application and some of there products, what company just lets you sit through a presentation and BAM you got the job. jarrest going to do it so I think since he has been successful in his endeavors with business and sales I think hey why not give it a try what is the worst that can happen. Bud sounds good right now although I have not smoked in a while I wonder why, I guess its cause I act different when I'm stoned and maybe I don't like it, I like to get high after I workout cause for some reason it feels good and makes me feel as if I'm not just a lazy pothead, is pennebaker going to care that I'm talking about this? o well that is what is on my mind so take it or leave it jk. yea I'm almost done with this , I thought this was going to be a formal paper with research and stuff but what a badass assignment, I think I'm going to like this teacher unlike my eco teacher Wolitz I can't stand her ugly face and bad teaching I just don't like her you know just one of those ppl. I bombed her test today to because she is boring and does not make the class want to learn anything. \", \"I'm a little nervous about doing this right now because I have to wake up at 445 tomorrow morning for crew practice. My back hurts -- it's from rowing on the orgs, or whatever they call them. I am not a good typist. I have to look down at my hands, and I go so slowly. This really is a skill I should have mastered by college. I feel like an idiot. I'm frustrated with Russell -- I don't really want to go to church on sunday because I know he will be there. I wonder if Brad really didn't call me for a week because I told him he was moving to fast or if it was because he was really sick. I can't believe I saw Travis today; I wonder if he really will ever give me a call -- doubtful, seriously doubtful. I need to turn on my lamp, I can't see and this computer screen is starting to hurt my eyes. I can't believe that Nik really didn't call me today -- even though his name showed up on my phone -- how bizarre! I don't know how to spell bizaar -- oh well. My left shoulder muscle is hurting -- I think it's because of the position I'm laying in -- this is taking forEVER -- I'm only at 6 minutes. ouch. I just leaned up and turned on the lamp -- much better -- I can actually see the keys, even though you wouldn't be able to tell it by the way I'm still typing so messily. My ponytail is kinda digging into the back of my head -- dangit. I hate that I cuss now -- it makes me feel kinda dirty -- not like skank-dirty, but like not-so-clean dirty. That movie, THIRTEEN, we saw at Dobie tonight was weird weird weird. I can't decide if I liked it at all or not -- it was really disturbing when they showed her cutting herself. It reminded me of Kate when she did that the one wednesday I called her. She was so upset about Brad -- boys are dumb. I don't know why we fall for them so easily. I mean it's got to be our need of acceptance and the comfort/warmth they bring when they hold us, but I can't imagine finding a guy who will actually care about me and not just want to feel me up. I mean really -- what's going on in their heads (or most likely, pants) that makes them so desensitized to us. Josh is wonderful -- the way he told Catherine he loved her the first time, the way he just spent 600 dollars on her for her birthday -- I'm so jealous, I don't know what to do. It's dangerous having him as a best friend -- he is just so damn wonderful. I mean, really, any even remotely smart girl would fall for him in a freaking' heartbeat! Sometimes I can't stand it. He hasn't written to me since I've gotten to school. I'm not a happy girl/camper. I know he is getting ready to go on his nature expedition/survival trip, but why hasn't he had a chance to write me yet? I've been waiting for him to write me, but maybe he is just waiting for me to write so he can respond. I'll write him this weekend anyway, along with Emily, Mary, Caleb and Edward. I have to get my hollow core door too. I don't even know where to get it -- I'll ask Zara tomorrow. I'm going to have to get online to find directions to a Home Depot or Lowes. I hate not knowing my way around -- it totally sucks -- that's why I loved Beaumont so much -- it was small enough to where I knew where most of the big things were. And if I didn't know where they were, it wasn't that hard to find it. Here there are massive highways, freeways, loops, overpasses -- all designed to confuse and terrify the new-to-Austin driver. I wish Russ and I were okay enough that I could ask him to take me to do my errands after church -- oh well. I still don't think I'm comfortable enough to be around him. I'm cold. It's weird that I haven't slept under my covers for the last week. I've just slept under a fleece blanket on top of it. My time is almost up -- Good night my dear diary assignment. I hope you go over well. I'm exhausted, and I can't wait to turn out the lights. I have to get up in 6 hours -- ick. \", \" I am really hungry right now. I think I'll go eat lunch in about twenty minutes or so since that's how long I have to sit here. I hope my classes this year won't be so hard. I want to be somewhere tropical maybe Cozumel or Aruba. The weather here is ok but it's so hot. Like the other day I think I was going to pass out because I had to walk like 2 miles across campus and then I found out I was in the wrong building. Some of the people who work here are real jerks. The girl at the library was no help and she was rude to top it off. She told me to go to the help desk when I asked her how I got an IF account. I dont' miss that many people in Baytown. I do miss my parents and my dog Frida. I wonder how tommorow will go since it's Sept. 11. i hope no one pulls any stupid pranks or anything like that. I really wish I could be with my family but thats no possible since they live 3 hours away and I have classes. My cousins are so cute. I am looking at t picture of them right now. Lauren is a so elegant looking and Suzanne's the quirky one. I feel bad for Nicole becau se she is losing her job. Dynegy was bound to go under once ENgron did. I never kep up with that guy Kenneth Lay, the CEO for ENgron, or I think thats what he was. I miss seeing my dad and visiting him at his work. I wonder if I am depressed. Sometimes it's hard for me to sleep at night, but who knows. I have one, two three four, five six pictures in frrames in my room. My roommate just left for class. SHe is cool, but We have some conflicting religious beliefs. Being a mormon must be hard. I know the are ostracized alot. I justdon't get the spirit child thing about how we were spirit children in heaven with God before we were born. . or the part I read somewhere about how you have to wear holy underwear and things of that nature. TO me,that's just crazy,but I have to respect other people's religions and beliefs because that's what I expect from them in return. I am so hungry. I want to go eat. I wonder if I have gained any weight since I've been here. When I played soccer in highschool I was so much more muscular and toned. Now I have to find time to work out. Where is Sarah? I think is in her room or doing laundry. Her room mate is so nice, but I feel bad for her because of that Nick guy she dated who just broke up with her. SHe is too nice. SHe's to pretty for him anyways. Some of the food inthe cafeteria scares me. I always hear horror stories about people eating food and finding things in what they are eating. Ughhhh. Now I'm not going to be hungry anymore. I don't have anything in here to eat except for fruit. I am sick of getting up at 8 in the morning to go to Spanish. My professor is ok, but he can be too sarcastic at times and I just want to yell. Yeah. so I am debating on whether I should do the Diamond Dolls. Jenny is in it and she said it was fun. Chris would get mad though. I don't know. He may play baseball here next year, or thats what I think now. but I hope he does. My cold is annoying. What time does the mean lady at the front desk work? SHe is gripey. Jessica and her boyfriend fight alot. Kalie shouldn't tell them what to do but Ithink she just feels authoritative because that's how her stepdad seemed when I met him. Where am I going to eat tonight? Is Uncle Phil back in town. That birthday card Kara sent me was really sweet. I'm glad we have become closer than we used to be. I used to think we would never be close because we don't have that many of the same interests. SHe has lost weight. I wish I could lose 10 lbs. I am going to work out at 3. Then I will be back here at 4. take a shower, call Aunt Beth and see when we are going to eat tonight. Mimi and Poppa are coming. that's good since I never see them . How far is Granger from here? There is a really loud annoying girl who lives in my hall. She talks about crude things. I wonder if you can tell how smart I am by reading what I'm writing. I hope I don't sound like a fool. Who reads these things anyways. I like listening to Enrique. where is he? When is lunch over? Gosh I need to stop thinkng about food. That's not good. I don't want to be fat when I get olded. How many students does UT's law school take every year. I wonder if I could get in. I need to send those checks off so they don't expire. I am so wasteful sometimes. I need to get a book rack so my books and folders aren't thrown all over the floor. How fast does the fastest typer in the world type? I think I type like 60 words a minute. maybe I'm off. that was like years ago in BCIS. Tomorrow better be safe for everyone. I am cold. THe ac is on high. . yeas \", \"Right now I'm writing about the things I am thinking of. I just got my hair cut and now I'm drinking a coke float. which I probably shouldn't be due to the fact that freshmen 15 is a big thing these days. my boyfriend just called and I like him a lot well actually love him to death, but sometimes I just wonder like if I'm doing the right thing. actually I wonder too much instead of living life as it should be lived. now my dad is wiping the back door off because we're having a party for my grandparents tomorrow - they will have been married for 50 years - that's a long time. I'm glad that they're both still alive because a lot of people don't even get to meet their grandparents. today I went and bought some clothes, which I probably should not have because I have a lot already. this chick keeps getting on and off of aol which is really bugging me because little messages keep popping up saying she is doing this. today we had a parade in my home town. yeah I'm home again. and it was cool. Kyle is a senior. I wish he was a longhorn because it would be so much easier to go to school together and see each other more often, but no he has to be an aggie. today is the football game, I wonder if Texas will win. LaGrange lost really bad last night - Hahira their not as good as they think they are. mom is sleeping and she snores a lot. dad keeps brushing the windows now and it is somewhat distracting. coolcherrychick has just signed on. cool. lol wow my hair is really short. man I can type faster than I thought I could, I guess that's good - hey it rhymes! omg stop with the window! I can't believe I found pants long enough for me at Bealls, that like never happens because I have really long legs, well not really but longer than normal. now coolcherrychick has just signed off. why do I like coke so much? I mean I don't drink it that often because I don't allow myself to, but I do enjoy it a lot - I guess the caffeine. I have problems spelling. this coke float is super good. thank god he stopped. ha-ha I just wrote stuffed before I erased it, anyway with the window. my hair is really cute, at least I think so. for once I'm not cold, its amazing. rowing is going to be cool, even though it might be really hard, at least I will have a coach forcing me to work out and I can identify with a team. I wonder if some people use really big words when trying to do this assignment, I mean I can use big words, but I really don't think in big words. my cognate. however you spell it process is not always so high smart or yeah that. I hope rhea's oh regina's home, I hope rhea's reunion - that's it - is going good, I don't think she really tried very hard but I mean she hasn't been doing her best in the recent time on being responsible. regina and laurie just got home and as I'm trying to think they are telling me about some kind of tattoo or something I don't know and I feel bad but I have to do this assignment. oh well I hope they didn't think I was being rude. this is kind of hard because I think so much faster than I type. mija just ran with laurie. she is so cute! sometimes she smells really bad though, but I guess I do to when I don't take a bath for awhile. I want to see regina's hair because she got it done today too it looks really cute and it has red in it and blonde and I think she looks good with it. Kevin called today and wants mom and dad, well everyone to put their money they're contributing for grandma and grangpa's thing in cash so they can give it to them in this game show thing. the lady who did our hair is like 50 something but looks a lot younger. like 35 or 40 - no lie. well the television was just turned on and was talking about football now something is on about a comedian. I like black people, they are so much fun to be around and they are not as uptight, well when it comes to their family I guess they are but not just in general. I like jz he's cool but I don't know I think that I like all kinds of music, not any kind in particular. sometimes I feel really left out because so many people know these alternative bands, but I don't because I don't really like the music as much as I like oh wow mija is getting a bath by laurie, yeah! other music like pop and rap. It's amazing how fast this time is going by like I thought it would take a lot longer or seem like I was typing a lot longer. I like that song and I can't believe a 14 year old sings it - jojo what kind of a name is that! I like the bangs I got cut, but I don't know if I am going to be able to fix it like this myself. Kyle is coming over later and I hope he likes my hair. and if he doesn't well it's not like I can do anything about it. I wish I was better at volleyball and could have done more with it. I mean I can jump high, but I can't hit hard. wow the gymnast was really short, but the volleyball player standing next to her she was so tall, I am glad I am tall, except when it comes to finding pants long enough wow I really have problems typing. today I changed in the car, that was really not fun I should have planned it better. oh well I guess no one saw and if they did then lucky them, just joking. usa wow I'm really lucky to live here and have my own choices. shampoo always smells good, well not always, but most of the time. it would be so nice to be rich. I need to read my psychology book and my biology book man both ologies, lol. breathing is a good thing. laurie can't reach the shampoo that's no fun. my fingers are starting to get tired from typing so much. \", 'My thoughts and feelings at the moment reflect several important aspects of my life. Perhaps, one of the most recurring thoughts has been my progress with my academic success. I am worried and concerned with maintaining an above average status as a student. One other concern of mine relates to my commitment toward studying and learning. I fear that I will not be able to put enough effort into accomplishing my tasks in school and at home. Thus, most of the time I reflect on future and find myself greatly concerned and worried. I feel in great anguish and perhaps, turmoil. I am also very concerned about the financial needs and requirements of college. Often, I feel that college has placed a great burden both financially and emotionally on my parents. This, in turn, causes much sadness for me. Although the social aspect of my life, at the moment, is not a significant matter, I still find myself looking back at the days in high school and at the friends that I left behind. I comprehend the fact that any transition in life accompanies great distress and agitation. However, I find myself more weary and temperamental than distressed or melancholy. At times, I feel as though I have not slept for days. I feel constantly fatigued. I have always realized that I worry to a great degree; and at times that my lifestyle has dramatically changed, this aspect of my personality has in turn worsened. I see myself literally concerned about every trivial matter in life. I worry a lot about my weight issues. Lately, I have noticed a dramatic change in my eating habits. Through the past year, I was able to lose a great amount of weight and maintain it. I was also able to control what I ate in addition to exercising a great deal. However, lately I have deviated from this habitual behavior. I have gained about 10 pounds. I feel greatly out of control. I do not even have the motivation to exercise. Often, I wake up in the morning and find myself critically loathing every aspect of my appearance. At school, I often compare myself with other females and feel greatly embarrassed. My parents and my acquaintances have at times mentioned that I look better now that I am not so underweight. However, I do not perceive or comprehend their point of view. As a result, I promise myself almost every day to lose all the unnecessary weight that I have gained. I even plan a strict diet for the next weeks. However, I never follow through the plan. Although this recurring thought is truly trivial in comparison with matters concerning my education, I still cannot rid myself of the compulsive need to restrict my diet and control my eating habit. I believe that there is great tension in my life at the moment. Perhaps, this is true for a lot of students that have began their first year of college experience. Regardless of my emotional well being at the time, I still seek hope and remedy in studying and experiencing all the knowledge that college has to offer. I am sure that if I put enough effort into my academic advancement I will easily succeed in future. Nevertheless, I truly wish that I could annihilate the worries that accompany me day and night. ', \"well I am sitting here in my bed just before 11 AM on a thursday morning writing out a conscious stream of my thoughts. my girlfriend is coming to see me this weekend and I'm excited about that, as well as the fact that my best friend is going back home for the weekend and leaving his apartemnt at my disposal. an apartment is a much better place to stay with your girlfriend than any god-forsaken dormatory, especially since my room mate will be here. football game saturday agains UNT, and I love my football. I've always loved college football and now that I get to go and watch my team, one of the best in the nation, play is a great experience for me, on that I will enjoy greatly for the next few years. speaking of which, I'm pretty hacked off that I was unaware that you had to purchase tickets to the OU game seperately, and more than that, that there was no obvious information on the season ticket website about this. I'm getting back into the flow of school again, and most of my classes seem like they will be rather easy, assuming that I read the material and pay attention in class, which I might add is tough to do on a regular basis. I've havent attended a single calculus study session which greatly frees up my tuesdays and thursdays, having only one class in the late afternoon. I love not having to write with proper punctuation and capitalization. the experiment in class the other day was very interesting. I personally though lie detectors were a bunch of crap, but the psychological side of them is pretty interesting. I wouldn't mind doing a psychological study of poker players and how they interact while playing hold 'them, etc. Some of the calls they make about other peoples hands are simply amazing. what makes someone fold a good hand? what makes a person be able to win on a bluff? these are interesting events to me. but anyways, I wish I didn't have any homework this weekend, as a matter of fact I need to finish reading chapter three in my psyc book, I'll attend to that after I finish writing this. hmmmm, what else, oh yeah. last night I played with four of my friends in a pick up game at the gym. the first game we won, the second game we won, and the third game we lost by one shot to a team led by a steriod, testosterone-over pumped crazy kid who was a complete jerk. it's interesting that everyone on my team was pissed off, except for me. they are normally the ones who tell me to chill out cause I get mad and stuff. I sort of miss dallas and my girl, but I know that we're both very committed and that she loves me a lot. she's a great girl and I'd hate to have to do all this without her, although I wish she was at TSU, that would make things much, much easier. I'm really hungry, I wish this timer would hurry up, I need to shave, wash my face, brush my teeth, eat something, finish reading, do some homework, and study for a quiz I have tomorrow in economics. I hope that quiz won't be too hard. I'll just have to memorize the stuff in the book such as the expendeture approach to GDP, which is that GDP=C+I+G+(I'M-EX). wow, I'm really glad I can remember that and I havent even studied yet, but the income approach is a little harder, even though I know I can get that easily if I just study it for a little while. will thanks for the time, my 20 are up. bye. \", 'This is my first year at UT and I am not used to doing everything on my own. I am scared that I am not strong enough to make it. I am trying hardest though, I do not want to disappoint my parents. I feel like there is so much to get done and I will not to be able to finish everything on time. I am also worried because I do not understand a lot of what is being taught in my classes. This is extremely frustrating because I took these classes in high school and I did well in all of them. I am confident that I will be able to pull through all of this, and hopefully I will be a stronger person for it. I do like this new environment, however. Austin is a beautiful city. I love being here, and being on my own. I feel like I am discovering so much, and it is great! I think I have all these different feelings because I am in a new place, with totally different surroundings, and most of all I am on my own. There is no one to depend on but myself. I already see how I am changing and growing. Even though everything seems so overwhelming, I love the experience! ', 'This is the first writing assignment I have had in college. I\\'m a little nervous. I don\\'t know why I should be worried about this because at least this writing assignment is an interesting one. I\\'ve never written in a stream of consciousness. I just lost my train of thought. I tend to do that. Actually, I constantly go off on these tangents as I hold any conversation. It\\'s quite annoying. But hey, it\\'s me. It\\'s about to rain outside. I was just telling a friend about how hilarious it was that everyone noticed that it was raining when one student left early during class yesterday. And Professor Pennebaker was totally right when he said noone was paying attention anymore to what he was saying because we were all thinking, \"How the hell am I going to get home now?\". I laughed for a long time after that, but I was still thinking about the rain. After I ran out of class I noticed a lot of people were prepared, and had their umbrellas with them. I also noticed that the people with these umbrellas who were walking with someone else without an umbrella, did not share their umbrella with the other person. Not one of them. I thought that was extremely odd. I have never used the word umbrella so many times in one sentence. I\\'m very sleepy now. The rain tends to have that effect on me. I love the rain, not just for that reason but it\\'s also soothing. But I do hate when it rains right before, or when I am about to go out. It\\'s a hassle that I haven\\'t had to deal with for a long time. I\\'m thinking we are in the middle of a drought. I can\\'t wait until winter either. That time of year makes me happy. I don\\'t know why I keep referring to weather. I\\'m not one of those, \"It\\'s lovely weather we are having today\", kind of person. ', \"I love just being me. Honestly without my personality, I am nothing in this world. There are so many people alive today that without my individuality, I could not survive. It would be too weird if I walked around the streets seeing a splitting image of myself. Hehe I think that I would probably pass out if that ever happened to me. Ouch, my arm really itches right now. Man I hate when I scratch so hard and it leaves marks on my skin. It's so unattractive and it is so annoying when I have to shave over it. I really can't believe that he would say that to her. Doesn't he realize that some things are best left unsaid especially when you don't know the whole story? Fainting has to be one of the most unique experiences that I have ever gone through. It's so weird that you lose all control of yourself for that onesecond. Thank goodness that girl was there to help me even though she didn't know me. I would freak out if I ever came in contact with someone who was about to pass out and fell on me. Man Jessica really can draw. I wish that I had the talent to do something like drawing my selfportrait. My legs are really starting to bother me since they are in that position. Oh man I need to go read my Theater since I have that class tomorrow. What should I wear tomorrow? I wonder if it is going to be as hot as it has been this whole time. I thought it would feel so much better than McAllen. For goodness sakes, at least McAllen has wind. Man what I would give to be at the beach right now without a care in the world sipping on the best tasting glass of lemonade and laying out getting the greatest tan in the world. And the POboys at Blackbeard's. No one makes greater Fantail Special than they do. I really hope my computer comes soon. I can't wait to start adding songs to my computer. Why hasn't my phone rang in a while? I need to call Jessie in a minute. I wonder if I have anything that I need to get done tomorrow. Hopefully my backpack will work out good. Because it was so cheap compared to everything else that was there. I love my shoes and I can't believe that my black ones broke. That was too weird that it happened especially since it was in the middle of the street and I wasn't doing anything that would have made it break normally. I hope my computer is the one I wanted. I wonder who is calling right now? Must be for Amber since she is talking to that person right now. I really feel like watching Hope Floats right now. That is such a great movie, and the guy in it is so hot. \", 'I\\'ve been thinking a lot about this next weekend. Tryint to plan everything out so I get to see everyone. I miss home. The people, the places. My church, my room, and all the little things too. Just the familiar surroundings that make home what it is. So peaceful. So safe. One things I\\'ve found at college is that there\\'s a void in my life that can\\'t be filled. It won\\'t ever be tha same. The relationships with people back home, that\\'s the biggest void of them all. Susan, Amy, Jennifer, John, Mikey, Jeni, Ms. Betty, my parents. You can\\'t replace that. It\\'s always there, just sitting, empty. Sure, I can meet new people, do new things, but you can never replace a person, a relationship. They\\'re all differnt and unique. My left arm is tired. Well, I just thought that so I figured I\\'d write it. And I just thought about writing about my arm. Wow! And I JUST thought about thinking about writing about my arm. It never ends. weird. I\\'ve always been interested in how the human minds works. It\\'s funny when you think about it. Here we are, using our minds, trying to figure out how our own minds work! Isn\\'t that weird? When you think about it, where do you get yourself? How can you come to a conclusion when the conclusion you\\'re trying to come to, is actually the tool you\\'re trying to come to that conclusion with? It\\'s impossible. An endless cirlce of thought and ideas. The human mind is a mystery, and always will be. That kind of impresses me that I came with that. Gee, I\\'m smart. Just kidding. Well. ten more minutes. Ok, I ;ve gone from missing home to pondering about the human mind. My shoulder hurts. Wow, I complain a lot. I\\'m feeling my elbow right now. It\\'s swollen or something. I\\'m not sure why. I\\'ve been working out a lot so that might have something to do with it. Who knows? It doesn\\'t hurt, but I don\\'t know if I should avoid straining it or what. I\\'m supposed to work out today. We\\'ll see. I\\'ve been thinking about someone back home a lot. Her name is Cam and we met about a month before I left for college. There was this kind of initial attraction I guess you\\'d say. Kind of weird. I haven\\'t had anything like that in a couple of years. I think it was her bright personality. She has thing kind of glow about her. She\\'s always laughing. I like that in people, because I need to laugh more sometime. So we kind of talked about our relationship some, and I told her I didn\\'t think it was best if we committed to anything, I mean, since I was leaving for college. She\\'s a junior in high school. But we\\'ve kept in touch a lot. I think she wants a committment, but I don\\'t think that\\'s smart. But you know, there are sometimes when what is smart isn\\'t what is right. Sometimes we have to do the irrational and just dive in without holding back. It\\'s like faith. God doesn\\'t always make sense to me. I hear all the time people trying to disprove God, or Christ, or the Bible, or christianity. like I\\'m taking this class, the Rise of Christianity, and he always tries to show flaws in the Bible or myths about the early churches, or whatever. But the fact is this: I know what Jesus has done in my life, and nothing can change that. EVER! What He did WAS illogical, it WAS beyond understanding, it WAS a miracle! And NOTHING can disprove that, not science, not anything. How do people react to that then? Well, people\\'s final defense is usually, \"Well, then you must be crazy. \" And if that\\'s all they have, then I\\'ll take that any day. Times up. Hey, I liked this assignment. I think I will enjoy this class. ', 'Writing about the stream of consciousness is really not my thing. The only thing I understand is that I am suppose to put my feelings and thoughts as of now, on paper. Well, what I am feeling right now is tiredness. Last night I only had 5 hours of sleep and I am really tired and sleepy right now. I figure, since I have time to kill, I better do it completing an assignment that requires action and movement to keep me awake. I am suppose to meet a friend for lunch at 3 o\\'clock and it is merely 1:30. As I said before, I really need a nice comfortable mattress so I can take a nap. Other than feeling really tired and lazy, I am also feeling happy. I am glad that I am where I am and grateful for my parent. I realized that that last sentence really didn\\'t make any sense. Oh, well. In a way I can blame the tiredness I have inside of me on myself and partially on my cousin. I blame myself because I stayed up late on the phone talking to the friend that is taking me out to lunch today. Then I can blame my cousin because she wanted me to take her to get her immunization shot. Then what turns out is that the clinic we went to did not operate immunization. Which brings me now to understand that I am frustrated as well. Being that the clinic that we went to, didn\\'t do immunization, I am going to have to wake up early again on a different day to bring her to another clinic. I really, really hate waking up early. No matter what it is for, it has to be pretty important for me to get away from dreamland. This seat that I am sitting on right now is really too high for me. Either that or I am really short. The seat is so high that it has my legs hanging off the ground. Which really sucks because it is making my knees hurt. They feel sore now. The truth is, is that I am really not that short. I am 5\\'4\", so that is about average. Anyway, I realize now that writing about your consciousness is really strange and something your think about at the spur of the moment. Trying to put every- thing down is kind of frustrating when you cannot type as fast as you think. Well, the 20 minutes are up and I have to run. I don\\'t want to bore the person who will be reading this. Although it is already boring as is. ', \"Okay RIght now I'm so worried about many things. I just don't know what I want out of my life I am just so confused. I know what I want to be but I'm just so worried about making the grades that all I can think about a lot is school. Which I guess is good because they say if you worry enough about it that you'll end up doing good. It's just so tough for me not to worry about everything because I'm know on my own and I have to prove to everyone that I can make it and I can be independent. All throughout my life I've strived for the moment when I can be on my own and not have my parents or anyone else holding anything over my head. Well if schools not enough to worry about I have all of this other stuff like my relationship's with my friends and guys in particular. For instance I came here to Austin with a boyfriend and not within two weeks I wanted to have an open relationship. When he came down to visit I was a complete bitch to him because I felt like I would have been missing out if I devoted all of my time to him. Anyways I know have found this totally awesome guy but the only problem is he is 24 years old and well I'm 18 and I think it's okay but I don't know exactly how he feels about it. I don't think he thinks to badley of it because he took me out on a date and he's invited me out again. But I can't help but think it is because I'm young and he thinks he can have his way with me. And I know he is really nice and such a great guy but I'm just so suspiciuos of all the guys up here because were in a big college town and a lot of the guys can only think about getting one thing! Then also my ex-boyfriend keeps calling me from Japan because he's in the Marines and he still fantazsies that we are going to get back together when he gets out. And I can't help but be nice to him or anyone else for the main fact that down the road of life who knows who your going to need a favor from. \", \" I am afraid of being here. I think that I am not smart enough or that I just don't have what it takes. I think about my boyfreind alot! he is my bestfriend. Sometimes I feel like I can't live without him. I hate feeling that way but i can't help it. my biology class is stupid. i hate sitting there for an hour and a half wondering what the heck she is talking about. i wonder what my mom is doing right now. my little sister is in school right now and is probably having way more fun than i am. i can't wait until october 4th it is going to be great. i get to finally see my boyfriend again after 2 months. gosh that seems like a long time. i wonder if he is thinking of me right now. i know he better have wrote a letter on sunday. i love getting his letters. they make me feel very happy and i read them over and over and over. sometimes i don't knwo if i am just kidding myself about our relationship but then i remember how much i miss him and how perfect we are together. is there actually soemthing out in the universe that is perfect? is there some object that can meet standards that to majority is perfect? i know i am not perfect. i am so nervous about gaining weight. i always watch what i eat but it always like too much no matter what i eat. i hate feeling that wat too. i love beanie babies. they are soo cute. i used to collect them but now I dont. not that its because i got older but just because i don't have the money to spend on them anymore. I wonder why people are the way they are. Some people can be soo mean but have no reason to be that way. I wonder if I am that way. I wonder if people see me as snobby or dumb. I always look around the room and i wonder if people are just as confused as me. I try to look as if i am not confused but i don't think it works to much. I want to move with my boyfriend. I want to be near him alwyas. I always think about him. Is that unhealthy? I like pizza. it is vrey good i want pizza now. i love fruit too. i think fruit can be better than icecream although i love icecream too. if i had to choose right now i would eat a peach. i don't know why but tomorow i would probably eat icecream. I don't think that i fit into this city. i think sometimes that maybe i shoould have stayed in killen. i love music i have to listen to it in order to make my day start out good. i love dirty south music but then again i love all kinds of music. how can someone only like certain types of music? i don't believ e that. they make themselves think that. I think that music is a form of expression and you should listen to the music before saying what is that,country? ewwww! I love anything that makes me feel good inside. I kind of would like to move to florida. my friend Argelis lives there but i went there for a band trip and i had such a good time. i was with my boyfriend and we did everything. evreybody told us that they sat around. we went on every ride there was. then before my boyfriend left to the navy we went to San Antonio. we went there all by our selves and did everything our way. no one to tell us what to do or how to do it. it was great. We saved all our money and made sure we had enough to spend. I loved the shows at sea world. My favorite was fools with tools and how they made fun of all the other shows. It was great. There too me and my boyfriend went to every show and eveyr ride although there werent much rides. I hope we don't have to read our papers infront of the class. I don't think i did my paper right. What if i sound stupid? oh well, i am probably not the only one that thinks that. i am not sure if i am going to switch my major becaus psychology is soemthing that i have always wanted to learn. my highschool teacher was soo cool. I loved visiting the Austin State hospital. It was so fascinating how those people could actually think those ways and believe everything they feel. I kind of felt sorry for some of them too. I don't know how to feel when it comes to people that are disabled, shoudl I feel sorry or luck to know them? \", 'I guess I should begin by saying I\\'m pretty tired today. I woke up feeling sort of sick. My throat hurt a little bit, and my body ached as well. The dorm rooms are really cold. I went to the financial aid office for some information but I don\\'t even remember how to access what the lady told me to. I\\'ve been thinking a lot lately and worrying about school. I\\'m worried about this college algebra class I\\'m supposed to be getting into through ACC. They said they haven\\'t received my transcript although I know it was sent from Houston on August 15, I even have the receipt. It pisses me off that ACC\\'s records department is screwed up. This class is really important to me so that I can take my core classes next semester or so. Besides that stress, I\\'ve been stressed about Gabby. It doesn\\'t really feel like we\\'ve been broken up. I know it\\'s only been a week, but it doesn\\'t feel like it to me. I think he is really more upset about it than me. My cell phone bill should be coming in the mail soon and I know my dad is going to kill me because it\\'s going to be super expensive. The guy sitting next to me in this computer lab is typing super fast! He reminds me of the part on Meet the Parents\" where he is at the airport looking for a different flight and the clerk types really fast and finds nothing. Makes me smile. Tomorrow I think I\\'ll go to ACC\\'s records department. I mean, I have a receipt that says I sent the transcript, so I wonder what kind of run around they will give me this time. Last time they were extremely rude to me. I mean, I\\'m new to all this, especially to ACC. It\\'s not like I knew they would lose my transcript. The computer lab down here in the basement of Jester is pretty hot. I don\\'t feel an air-flow. Just still air, and the typing of the guy sitting next to me. He just left right now. I heard him talk on his cell phone a few minutes ago about getting something to eat, which sounds good to me right now. I had some oreo\\'s while in class today, and my friend Gabriella was talking about how fat she is gotten, the girl is super skinny, not to mention in great shape because she runs 5 miles a day! But she was saying that oh my gosh oreo\\'s are so fattening, yet she would kill for one. I offered her one, but she declined. I thought to myself oh my god! What is this girl thinking. All she talks about is what she eats and doesn\\'t eat. It was kinda getting on my nerves, but oh well. I enjoyed the oreos and that\\'s all that matters. I didn\\'t feel guilty about eating them since I am probably going to go to the gym later on tonight. I wish I would have had some milk with those oreos though! New guy sitting next to me in computer lab. I hope he doesn\\'t glance over and wonder what I\\'m doing. I guess I am pretty focused on my computer screen. I feel relaxed though. The chair is comfortable and my gum still has flavor. Still too hot though. I guess basements are supposed to be a little hot. Gabriella just left me a voice message that she was going to eat some dinner and if I wanted to go. I hope she doesn\\'t find out I am writing about her! I know I\\'ve said nothing bad about her, but I think she could get her feelings hurt. She is a really sweet girl and I really don\\'t have anything negative to write about her. Besides, I don\\'t typically talk about people. I guess I always put myself in the other person\\'s shoes. I wouldn\\'t want people to talk about me! Don\\'t know when I\\'m going to go home. I miss everyone, but I really like my freedom here. Coming and going as I please. Not having to be home at 12 and calling and checking in. I like being independent. Not that I resent anyone or anything from home, but I like being on my own and all. It feels cool and I feel all grown up! Valerie\\'s phone just rang and she is trying to be real quiet! She is so cute! I\\'m glad she is up here with me because I really don\\'t know what I would have done if she hadn\\'t decided to come to school here. We\\'re really close and I enjoy that. Whoa, I almost thought I lost all of my work because a window screen popped up about some debugging! Scary! ', \"I'm stressed out about my Calculus class I don't know if I'm going to be able to finish all the homework and be able to get an A in the class. I really want to make an A because that would increase my prospects at getting a good first job, of course that would only be good for a first job. I really don't like my job at HEB it is really annoying, all people seem to be in a bad mood all the time and I don't find it that enjoyable. If I were somehow rewarded with more money I think it might be managable however, because I can't seem to get a raise out of them I'm going to look for another job. I hope my typing doesn't wake up my roomate my girlfriend is really distressed about our relationship I guess I'll have to write her an e-mail and make things better between us. How I would describe love right now, I've always thought that you had different degrees of love throughout your life, I would say that I love her however. i really hope my roommate is a deeper sleeper than I think he is because I know I would be annoyed if he were typing where I could hear it. Tommorrow I have to go get my Economics book in the morning and read part of that, college seems so stressful, I don't know if I'm going to be able to budget my time. The bookstores rip you off you pay all that money for books and then they buy them back cheaply and then sell them for the same price that you bought them for. That might be a good way to make some money buy opening a bookstore. My dad was telling me how having a low overhead would produce a lot of profits for something on the internet. I had better be quiet so my roomate doesn't hear me, but the noises in the hall are louder but not constent. He has too wake up at 7:00 in the morning to go to class. I don't know how well we are getting along, I guess he is an ok roommate but I wanted him to be a little more outgoing. I guess I'm going to have to meet people on my own which I'm not all that good at but I guess I'll have to try. I need to find out what my rights are in this room and if I'm able to type till just 12:00 or if I can type and make noise till one. I'm willing to try and make it as comfortable for him as I can because I want to fit in with him, but I don't know if I should draw any lines or not. I have all this homework and I don't know what to do about my time management. He just got up was it my fault or did he get up on his own, I don't want to intrude on his space but where does mine come in. I really like my computer it has everything I want it to have, but the company I ordered my graphics card for went out of business where am I going to get another graphics card. I wonder what else I'm going to have to do for homework, I hope it will be easy. I want to graduate early but can I do it or am I going to have to go all four years, if I graduate early I might have some money left for a car, I would really like a corvette but the insurance on them is so expensive especially until I'm 25. I don't know if I can handle doing all this stuff and do my homework as well, with my girlfriend and friends and still have time to work on the weekends time is suck a valuable asset. what else do I have to do. \", 'College is so cool. This is a pretty cool campus. Surprisingly I\\'m really not that scared or homesick, and I\\'m 1400 miles away from home. I grew up in Dallas, TX. , but I moved to Minnesota when I was 11 and then to Wisconsin when I was 15. Now I\\'m back in good ol\\' Texas to stay. I have quite a few friends here so it\\'s not like I\\'m alone. In fact, I saw my old elementary \"girlfriend\" the other day down on the drag. I was walking to get my books and she was in a 99 black ford mustang driving the other way. She honked the horn and waved and as I looked back to wave at her, I tripped on a pole and nearly fell flat on my face. I don\\'t know if she saw it. i hope not. I called her up tonight to talk to her, but she wasn\\'t home so I left a message. I said, \"it was cool seeing you the other day, but I don\\'t know if you saw me almost fall flat on my face, it was embarrasing. I can\\'t go out looking like that so give me a call so I can reedem myself. \" I can\\'t believe that the jester tv channel shows cool movies. My roomate is watching the movie Fallen right now with this girl. He says its really scary, but I just think it\\'s weird. It\\'s funny, I never really get scared that much by movies and stuff. I think I just tell myself that it\\'s not real and then it doesn\\'t bother me. That must be like psychology or something. Damn, I think about the opposite sex way too much. I love girls, I think that they are the most beautiful creatures to ever walk the face of the earth. I certainly picked the right campus for girls though. Like 70% of them are goddesses compared to the ones where I come from. Where I live now, most of the girls are big farm girls that could take me in a fair fight, and they are all polish. Polish people are so stupid . . they\\'d couldn\\'t make ice because they forgot the receipe. Well, my twenty minutes are up, so this is me signing off ', \" Ok, writing. I started this a few minutes ago but apparently in Mozilla Firefox the timer doesn't work. Sorry if I end up submitting two essays. Right now I'm kind of hungry. My stomach is growling, I haven't eaten since seven-thirty this morning. I didn't use to eat breakfast, but now I do. One minute down. I feel pressured, like I have to continue hitting keys or I'm not doing as well as I should on this writing assignment. Which is strange because all I have to do is write something, anything, and I get credit for it. Is it cheating if I use the backspace key to edit my mistakes? There are quite a few of them. I probably would type better and therefore faster if I slowed down, which is paradoxical but true. I am also sleepy. Maybe I will take a nap, except I have to study. Hooray. That's a thing about college that is hard to get used to - setting oneself to a schedule and keeping to it, studying and going to classes on time without being told what to do. I'm thinking about psychology and the hypothalamus, which is what we learned about yesterday. The description of the rat kind of makes me wish I was a rat whose hypothalamus was being zapped. Seems kind of nice, although dying of starvation doesn't sound pleasant. Maybe in this case it does. I wonder what it's like. Maybe conscious though takes a backseat to simple feelings of pleasure, like humans feel sometimes, in the throes of ecstasy (religious, sexual, or chemical). Maybe the human brain has a natural resistance to feeling too much for too long in order to protect itself from things like dying of pleasure. Quite a way to go. I am running out of things to write about and it's only been 5:30 minutes. My mind is becoming a blank. Perhaps I can shove something in there. Nope. Rub a dub dub, three men in a tub. I'm regressing back to childhood, oh no! Forced constant thinking seems to have brought me back to my childhood, which is not what I would have expected. If you think about it, that nursery rhyme is kind of suggestive. I wonder why I keep bringing up images and thoughts from when I was young? Perhaps those, being learned first, form the basis of the psyche and are therefore more intrinsic to the mind than say, what I learned yesterday or what I see on MTV. MTV. I do not like that channel at all. I do not like it in a boat, I do not like it with a goat. I do not like it, Sam I Am, I do not like Music Television. The channel that proclaims to be that of rebels and anti-culturalists, but is really the mainstream mass-produced mass-consumed product that everyone thinks it is rebelling against. At least they encourage people to vote. That's a positive message coming from a negative source. I guess no one or nothing is truly evil. Well, nine minutes gone. I'm feeling stretched, like butter spread over too much bread, as Bilbo put it. Like everything in my mind has already come out and I'm squeezing a juicebox trying to suck the dregs of thought through that straw. Of course, with a juicebox you can never quite get out all the liquid, and I suppose it's the same with the mind. One thing I never understood about the mind is how one gets from neurons firing and connecting with each other to actual consciousness. In the textbook it seems like a step is skipped. An analogy can be made (and has been, I assume) between the mind and the computer. One could say, well, magnetic information doesn't seem at first glance to represent data and images and text. But the former is converted into the latter by programs, which themselves run on magnetic data. Where are the programs in the mind? It's hard to believe that the human mind just coincidentally has the neurons in all the right patterns to be able to form speech and thought and movement. Where is the software? I'm just rambling now. Although that's the purpose of this paper, isn't it? Ha ha. I tried to read the book House of Leaves, I was told it was brilliant, but you know what? It, for lack of a better and more descriptive and more culturally acceptable word, sucks. It's written in a nonfiction style, but the endless footnotes serve only to distract from character development and this won't make much sense to whoever is reading this if they haven't read it. Speaking of which, Hello, whoever is reading this! I hope you're having a wonderful day. Although reading hundreds of stream of consciousness papers is not my idea of a wonderful day. Still, someone's got to do it, right? Someone's got to do all the dirty jobs in the world, until they design an automated way to do it. Then the worker loses their job. Which is better, I wonder-- working at a terrible job, or being replaced from that terrible job and not working at all? Some day, hopefully, we will have robots to do all our terrible jobs for us. We will become like Asimov's Solaria - thousands of robots to maintain a small human population. Eventually it will go to extremes -- millions of robots to one human. Or maybe not. What will be the point of civilization then? What is the point of it now? To keep people happy? Great job so far, I must say. Nowadays people think that what they need to be happy is chemicals. More and more chemicals, pills, etc. to cure the imbalances in their head. They should take a cue from computer repair people -- the problem is just as often in the software as in the hardware! Biological psychology will go a great deal in explaining human behavior, but it can only go so far. People who have no imbalance in their minds but still do terrible things or get depressed - what do we do with them? Eighteen minutes, fifteen seconds have passed. Quite a while to be writing. You know, a second never seems so long as when you want it to be short. I love time's relativity, even though this isn't really an application of it. If only there was a way to have time speed up or slow down if we wanted it to -- now there would be a best-selling invention. It all deals with people's perception anyway -- I bet there is a way, somewhere. Although messing with brains like that probably isn't a good idea. Speaking of good ideas, my time is just about up. It's been a pleasure. \", 'Every time I get one of these writing assignments my mind always seems to go blank. They tell me \"write about what is in your mind\". It shouldn\\'t be that hard I mean I am always thinking of something. For example right now I\\'m thinking I shouldn\\'t have missed breakfast. Anyway this is sort of like writing a letter to a friend where you don\\'t have to worry about grammar and things like that. At least I hope not. I feel like the twenty minutes are never going to be over. Actually I am amazed at how fast I am typing, and I\\'ve never taking typing course in my life. Well I think I\\'m typing fast. I don\\'t know how many words a minute I can type. I hope I do well in school. This place is huge. I am enjoying myself. I\\'ve never been on my own before. You can call it a learning experience. There is not much to here with out a car. I hope I get credit for this. I wonder if this one of those things were they try to get into the mind of America\\'s youth. They probably didn\\'t get much out of me, since I don\\'t seem to be thinking anything interesting. Maybe I don\\'t know to type all that well. Some people just sit down and all you here are them hitting the keys. I wish I was like that, I could finish my assignments quicker. I need to take a typing course. I also need toenail clippers. You guys probably don\\'t want to here that, but you asked to write down what I was thinking. I also need a poncho because it looks like it\\'s going to rain. No chance in you guys getting me one? Well the twenty minutes are up. c-ya ', \"Ugh! Look how nasty and scary that thing is. How stupid he was to stay in the car with that object? Well this a very scary movie, and the only I have seen in a log while, its my roomates faults. Oh, she is a traitor, how about that, never thought it would be her. Isn't there better ways to express your feelings, instead of cussing. The monster got her how gross, and what a painful death. It must of hurt, duh, and the guy trying to save should of just left before he became a victim too. Again another ironic thing the teams leader is who never suspected. Her naked body proves it, why is he so crazy to believe her words. Words speak louder than actions. Look how she transformed her body and the other one is one of her. Man, boy I am getting really frightened of this. My body has chills has the end is narrowing. I have an itch behind my ear,on my leg, foot and head I think due to the fact that I am so scared of the movie and the events that are about to happen. My eyes are widening due to the good guys escape. My head itches more. Yeah he made it I'm happy for. There is one for the good guys. \", 'Right now I have a serious feeling of relief. It is the night after my first day of college, and it feels nice to be home. My legs are tired. I miss my dog and my boyfriend. I wonder what he is doing right now. I hope I am doing this right. I guess there is no right or wrong when it comes to my thought process. I guess it just happens the way it wants to. I hope that I can get back into the whole school \"flow\" again. I hope that I can get into it enough that I can get into the business school. I can feel you laughing at me already. Everyone seems to think that I can\\'t do it. I know I can. I will. My mind is blank. I am so worn out. I haven\\'t walked so much in one day than I did this afternoon. I hope I am not sore tomorrow. I need to find out where I need to go in the morning. What time do I have to wake up? My class is at nine thirty. Great! Why hasn\\'t my boyfriend called me? He was supposed to an hour ago. Wonderful! Oh, I have to call my mom. I wrote a check today that I have to tell her about. How much was that thing? That reminds me. I have to set up Telesys tomorrow. Just one more thing to add stress to my day. I should work on my typing. What is that noise? I need to take a shower. Maybe I will wait until morning. I should call all my friends back home to give them my new house number. I wonder how college life is going for them. UT started late this year. Thank God! I don\\'t feel rested, still. What time is it? Five minutes to go. I feel like my mind is blank. Whenever I try to \"hear\" what I am thinking, the only thing I end up thinking about is trying to think. That made absolutely no sense. I\\'m hungry. I really need to be more open. I\\'ve gone all day without meeting anyone new. I need to work on that. Oh, time\\'s up. ', 'Starting out college life was harder than I expected. I thought leaving home and being on my own would be a fun thing, and that nothing would happen in a bad way. I guess I was wrong because it was very difficult to learning to be on my own. Now I have no parents to depend on, and I had to learn to be responsible. The first week I didn\\'t really know many people here so it was hard finding something to do. If I had people I knew I would have placed to go to instead of doing nothing. Since there was no homework or anything this was the time to have some freedom. I was thinking that once the school year started I would have to concentrate on studying and worry about grades. I think studying is a very important thing in college life. College life is a whole lot different from high school life. One major difference is going to class. I don\\'t know how to write that difference is in words but I know it is different from high school. It\\'s just this feeling I have. I wonder if this feeling counts as a reason to explain the difference of the two. There\\'s one good thing I recognized about being away from home and parents. That is more freedom! There are no parents telling you to come home at a certain time or to clean the house. Being away from is good and at the same time bad. Being away from home means being away from family. And no family means loneliness because family is family. There is also friends that you can always make and they can be like your family even they can\\'t replace them. Friends are always good to have, but it\\'s also important to have good friends. Friends that understand you and will be by you in times of need. I guess there are also organizations and clubs that you can join to meet new people and experience new people. Since the first time I came here I have met many new friends that I think are very nice. Meeting new people is a fun thing; therefore everyone should meet new people. One thing that is worrying me is the freshmen 15. This I heard from people that already experienced college life. Freshmen are supposedly to gain 15 pounds their first year because you have the freedom to eat whatever, whenever you want. The scary thing about that is that a person I know said girls are more likely to gain and guys are most likely to lose weight. I thought \"Dang~ why the girls!\" I hope I don\\'t gain 15 pounds and go home hearing people say to me, \"Wow~ you gained some weight in college haven\\'t you. \" That is something I never want to hear. ', 'Sitting here in front of my large window, I notice the rays of sun filtering into my dorm room. Everything feels fresh and clean, except for that pile of clothes laying next to my bed. I love warmth any form of it actually. Sometimes I wonder why my hands and feet get so cold. Does my heart not pump hard or fast enough? My old special boyfriend used to tell me, \"cold hands, warm heart. \" That was something his mother used to say. I guess she had cold hands too. Right now, I am wondering about my present faith and how that should impact or change my actions and choices. I am no way questioning my faith in God, but instead, how such faith should be transforming me throughout this transition period that I am experiencing. For instance, ever since going through rush and pledging, I have been put into many situations that I am not normally used to. Basically, my biggest concern is partying and or drinking. For me personally, I feel that alcohol is something that I really don\\'t need to have fun. Then, why did I go against my believe and have a drink anyway? After confronting myself in front of my god of such temptation and hypocrisy, I have done much better. Going to the parties, I merely say, \"No thanks, I\\'m fine\" when offered the drink. I am so blessed to have the friendship of Jeff. It\\'s funny how close or connected you can feel to somebody when you\\'ve only known them for a couple of months. Some of my friendships that have lasted for years are not nearly as close as the companionship that I am experiencing with Jeff right now. The only problem is that I feel myself really starting to like him. Actually, in reality, deep down I have what they call a \"crush\" for him ever since we met at the Christian camp that we worked at together. I\\'m not sure what he thinks he is so incredibly complimentary to me, so I have the suspicion that he may reciprocate some of my feelings. All of our discussions circle around God and Jesus. I have never known anybody so passionate for their believes. Overall, it makes me feel like I should be moving in a different direction, a higher one with my relationship with Christ. This takes me back to the partying scene What I see there is not glorifying God or His name. Yet, if I can, in some way, glorify His name while I am there, then my actions will coincide with my believes, right? In a way, the only thing I can count on is prayer and patience. It makes me think of Moses and his life in Egypt. By faith and trust in God, Moses and his people passed through the Red Sea. I have faith in my Lord that He will provide me with direction and strength, like he promised to Moses in the Bible. This leads me to think about my education. Sometimes I wonder what my future will be like What am I going to major in? How many years of college will I attend? Will I have a good job? Will I be married? Will I have children? the questions are endless and sometimes it can even be entertaining to imagine how things will be. I\\'ve noticed that when I think about things like this, I always see the fairy tale side of the story. I see myself with a wonderful education, a highpaying and fun job, an incredible husband, and three cute and perfect kids. This fairytale imagination of mine can lead to bad things or to a lost in the grasp of reality. I remember going into high school coming from a small, private middle school and thinking that I would be playing varsity everything, would have tons of new friends, and I even thought that I would be dating a cuter, older guy. Well, this was not the case. Things happened very differently. I ended up, by the end of my high school career having all of these things, but in a different way. I had six very close girl friends (not tons), I had a special guy in my life (actually a month younger than myself), and I made varsity softball (after two years of working really hard). Yet, looking back, I am so incredibly pleased as to how my life has traveled so far. So, looking ahead, I really must understand that as much as I want to pave the way for myself, that sometimes things happen differently than planned. Yet, there is a reason and there is a plan. Even when negative things occur, there is some kind of positive outcome, whether it\\'s realized the next day or ten years down the road. Bad things are going to happen it\\'s inevitable, but it\\'s essential to try to look at things in a different light, a ', 'Well, hello. I am really not sure what to write about, I guess I can start with my day. You see, I am a commuter. I live in Bastrop. No one in Austin seems to know where that is but it is a little town on the other side of the airport. So, anyway, that means that I have the privilege of driving through morning traffic for an hour just to get to class, then what is even worse it that I get to drive back home through five o\\'clock traffic. It is a pain in the backside. I hate Austin Drivers. On the up side, I was lucky enough to schedule all 15 hours on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. That helps because I am also a Parttime employee with fulltime hours at the only department store in Bastrop. Three years ago the store opened meaning that Bastrop now had a WalMart, HEB, and Bealls. That is about it for stores. So, about my job, I am a Sales Associate. We recently switched new districts into the Austin area. The District Manager is very strict on how the store is arranged. Last week, whoever did the schedule only scheduled me to work on Saturday for Five hours. You can not pay bills working at a minimum wage job for five hours a week. So I told my Store Manager that I would be more than happy to come in if she needed any help prior to Annette (the District manager) coming in on that Friday. In the end I worked ten days in a row, pulling in forty hours before Friday when the District Manager was going to be in to audit. I was exhausted by the time Sunday rolled around. I was thankful that my Manager let me have Sunday off, I needed the rest. Today is my anniversary, I have been dating a guy for eight months now. This is probably of no concern to you but I am very proud of that fact. He goes to Incarnate Word in San Antonio. He is an Eagle Scout and spends all summer teaching camp at Lost Pines Boy Scout Reservation. On weekends, he comes back to Bastrop to ref. Soccer games at the BYSO Soccer fields. All this volunteering helped him when it came to my parents approval. You know, one time in my Drama Class, a friend of mine started to do just a stream of consciousness monologue. In the end he was talking about mixed drinks and jelly beans, it was very funny. I miss my Drama Class. Most of my high school stuff I had to give up due to the need to be able to afford college and get my degree. I had to quit dancing, I had danced for 13 years at a local studio. Then I had to give up Color Guard, an organization that I was the captain of for all four years of High school. Most upsetting though was giving up Drama. If I was not in a play I always tried to contribute somehow. I single handedly costumed four productions in one year in my \"spare time\". Oh well, I guess that is it for mow. ', 'I\\'m pretty out of it right now, still pretty sleepy. But I know I\\'ve got to do this since it\\'s due in 3 hours. I can feel the onset of a headache, I don\\'t know why. I think I\\'ve gotten enough sleep. Maybe it\\'s because I haven\\'t eaten enough. As soon as I \\'m done, I\\'m going to pig. I\\'m kind of worried about my classes. I\\'ve already missed more than I should. I haven\\'t missed any psychology but that\\'s only because it\\'s only twice a week and, more importantly, it doesn\\'t start \\'til 3:30. It\\'s my latest class; all my rest are earlier in the morning. I\\'ve had a lot of trouble getting up. However, I think I can manage to catch up. I don\\'t think I\\'ve missed anything terribly important. My lip is feeling a little funky right now. I got it pierced a few days ago. I really can\\'t say why I did it. Maybe to set myself apart from others, maybe because I\\'d never done anything like it, maybe because I\\'m a teenager and I\\'m \"rebelling. \" I think I deserve to, too, since I don\\'t drink, smoke, or do anything like that. I don\\'t know how my parents are going to feel about it. Obviously, they\\'re not going to be happy. But I don\\'t think they can get too upset. Like I said, I stay away from all the alcohol and stuff like that that is rampant in college, so hopefully they\\'ll allow me this one thing. I think I\\'ve been a pretty decent kid. I\\'ve also been taking care of my lip so it doesn\\'t get infected so they shouldn\\'t have to worry about it. Plus, my brother got a tattoo his first semester up here and I think that\\'s more dangerous, especially since he got it on his spine. One thing that has me really nervous was caused by my own stupidity. I was over at my friend\\'s house last night and he\\'d bought a doityourself haircut kit. Me, wanting to save a few bucks, gave it a shot on myself. Well, to trim my sideburns, I took off the clipper thing and just left the razor which is about a \"0. \" Anyway, I go to the other room to ask my friend how it\\'s looking. He says it\\'s all right but needs a little work. So I go back to the sink, pick up the clipper and proceed to run it up the back of my head. Immediately, from the sound, I could tell that I\\'d forgotten to put the #2 clipper on; it was still on \"0. \" Now, I\\'ve got a bald spot on the back of my head. I really started freaking out. People would think I was a freak. I wasn\\'t going to shave my head, but I had my friend fix it up as beast he could but it\\'s still pretty obvious. Now, I\\'ve got to wear a hat backwards for at least a week so no one will notice. I\\'m pretty selfconscious. If I thing there\\'s something wrong with my looks, it becomes pretty hard for me to talk to people I don\\'t know. Which sucks since I\\'m already pretty shy and since I\\'m still trying to meet new people. It looks like the twenty minutes are up now. I hope I did this assignment right. ', \"College is so cool. I really can't remember the last time I felt so many emotions at the same time. I've already met so many incredible and different people I can't even begin to describe all of them. I am definately having mixed thoughts about having a boyfriend at this moment because of all the new people I have met and would definately like to meet, get to know, and date. My boyfriend is totally mad because he is so jealous. I hate jealous people I wish everyone would just, I don't know go along with it. I ate the grosests food in jester cafeteria today and had the weirdest conversation with two very interesting and cool guys that I have already met from camptexas. That was like almost the most fun I've had in a really long time I'm so glad I decided to go and wasn't to scared. I was so scared about coming to UT because it is so big and I just didn't know if I could adjust after going to such a small catholic school. I'm so glad to be away from old people and meeting knew ones. High school was such an almost horrible experience, I hope college is so much better. So I'm in this room with these two guys, one who I met at camptexas and he looks exactly like the guy from rookie of the year he doesn't know it but I have this incredible, horrible, obssesion with him. He is just the hottest guy I have ever seen. So I met this really cool guy from tarytown in New York which is like the place I've been obssessed with since forever. He is a guy I would really like to hang out with. This other guy who is rookie of the years roomate is totally obssessed with Britany Spears I really can't stand her but I think it is just because I am so jealous that he likes her more than me. And Drew has almost naked women pictures all over his wall that makes me very jealous and I was just thinking about jealous people. The music is blasting in my ear I don't know who it is. Drew complains a lot about college ruled spirals and needing more space. I really hate that my roomate and myself don't have much in common. Everyone else seems to be like best friends with their roomates I need a really good girl friend to hang out with. Or maybe I'm just ment to have guy friends. I guess it would be okay with me I get along with them better. I think classes are going to be really fun and not too hard. Which is really a relief because I though it would be really hard. I've seen so many interesting people. I miss my parents like crazy and my dogs and sisters. I would never trade this experience for going to UTEP that would really suck. I really miss my friend Bianca and Anne. I think for labor day we are going to San Antonio if Anne and Lianna and Vero come up. I was thinking about Noodles the other day I wonder how she is. This is got to be one of the funnest assigments I have ever done. I really think I might double major whith something in Psychology because the human mind is an incredible thing. Well my 20 minutes seem to be up that kind of sucks I guess I could really write forever I need to go write my parents and some friends e-mails and then read a little for Biology and probably go to sleep I'm really tired. \", \"I don't have too much on my mind right now, and if im worrying about anything, it may be about classes. This class in particular is not too troublesome, but this is my first year in college, and im noticing that the style of school is in many ways different. And its not that i don't think i will be able to adapt, but i am a little intimidated. The laid-back style of college allows for a lot of distractions and freedom. So i believe that if i set a pattern now to get everything that i need done, i will be much better off. Not only, are the classes here different, but my whole social life has been turned upside down. I don't know whether i should let go of most of my old acquaintences from high school, and dive right into new friendships. or to hang on to the people who i feel know me the best. I loved my high school years. I loved the people i grew close to, i loved the environment, i loved the things i was involved in. And now, i don't have any of those things to comfort me. I loved theatre, i remember all the plays i was in and all the fun times and great bonds i made with people. Including the director. He was like my second father, someone i could really talk to, but also someone who taught me a lot about myself. And the things he taught me really can't be put into words, but rather they can be applied to my life right now. I feel so much more grown up after growing close to him in 4 years and feel like if he believes in me, there is no reason for me not to. That may be my one biggest flaw. At times i have somewhat low self-esteem. Well, to refine that statement, i doubt myself and my worth at times. Never at a dangerous level, im not anywhere near depressed, but i do tend to put others before myself. I care so much about people in my life, and i expect the same from others. But that isnt the way it is most of the time. I put my heart out there, and often it gets passed over. And on that subject, that is the main reason why i broke things off with my high school boyfriend. There were other contributing factors, but this past summer, i finally put myself before him and realized that i wasnt getting what i wanted out of the 8 month old relationship. I loved him so much, and deep down, i know he loved me, and still does. but he didnt try hard enough. And he says now he realizes that he didnt treat me as good as he should have, and i knew that he would eventually see that, that is why i broke it off--to make it obvious something was wrong. And it took him a long time to see that. We were best friends, and maybe that is why it took me so long to say something. Because i had so much faith in someone so close to me, i was sure i was exaggerating things, being selfish. But after enough people telling you that you deserve better, it really starts to make you think. I would always be the one putting forth the effort, i would always aplologize, i would always go out of my way for him, i would compliment him, etc. And ultimately, he wanted an easy relationship. He didnt want to have to make me feel special, even if he felt it deep down. And now he tells me this. and its very unlike him to see that he was insensitive for so long. He usually doesnt see things like that clearly. But maybe losing a girlfriend and best friend made him see things differently. I miss him though. I was the one who made this decision, i should be strong and not rely on him. But i miss him and talking on the computer to him everyday while he's at A&M lets me see the guy that i fell in love with. . especially because he is so nice to me lately. He claims that he's going to wait around for me, and that we will end up together again someday, but im not as sure as he is. I mean, i would love to be his girlfriend if he could treat me better. but we are so far apart, it seems silly of gaining a title of being a girlfriend, but being just as lonely. I need to be on my own for this new experience i am going through, and not attatched to his arm. I need to see who else is out there, this is college for goodness sake. But no matter who i meet, i will always compare them to him. I never thought of it that way, but he was my first love. Its weird to imagine that i really was in love, i never thought it could happen. But its very obvious that it was love. But for now i have to be strong, and just keep on the way things are. no matter how much i miss him. Because i don't want to get hurt again, not yet, not this far away. Im afraid things will just go back to the way they were, and i'll be 10 times more lonely. And its hard enough to meet friends here, there are so many people- i don't need to make it harder by being cooped up in my room all day talking to my boyfriend miles away. This school is funny like that. There are almost too many people to make friends. Everyone is doing their own thing, and its really easy to get sucked into hanging out with your old high school friends and not make new friends. But thats not what i came here for. I came here to meet new people, new open minded people, and have new experiences. and to redefine who i am as a person and a friend. But that doesnt mean i have to cut old ties alltogether. hmm. i wonder if its been 20 minutes yet. i think so. \", 'I just had a conversation with Sarah. She can be so touchy sometimes. It seems as though she is so insecure with herself that she can\\'t stand it when someone says something that is contrary to what she is saying. Just a few minutes before hand, I was telling her about what I need to for this writing assignment and she said that she often writes stream of consciousness\" writings and gave me an example where she a friend of hers wanted some advice on a story he was writing and in affect, she gave him a story that was just following her thoughts and that wasn\\'t pre-planned. I told her that that was not \"stream-of consciousness\" because she was focusing her mind on a particular theme or plot to come up with a story. Then she just got irritated and told me that I don\\'t do that to her. And I was like, \"What?\". She doesn\\'t make any sense. Oh dear. Surat is screaming her head off and I have to cover her so she can go to sleep tonight. It is 10:30 and she usually starts screaming about now. Surat is a nice bird though, other than the screaming when she is in a demanding mood. She usually keeps herself pretty entertained. There she goes again. I should tell monica to cover her. Moni is probably busy with her studies. How am I supposed to tend to my bird while I am doing this assignment? I have to stay here and complete it or then I wouldn\\'t really be doing the assignment right. That brings up another point. What is someone really has to go to the bathroom during these 20 minutes. Are they supposed to just sit here and risk getting a bladder infection so they may do well on this assignment? Would that be cheating if someone took a bathroom break? Ok, I had to go cover the cage but it didn\\'t take more than five seconds(literally) because the cage is on the other side of the room that I am in. That is a relief. Now she isn\\'t screaming. Now what should I write about. Hmmm. I had a yoga class today. Ashtanga Yoga. It was very difficult to do and very fun. I hope to become really flexible this semester. I also have a really good workout schedule planned for this semester. I got a texercise pass from Gregory gym for 55 dollars and I have access to all these cool aerobics classes and yoga classes. It is wonderful. I just wish I didn\\'t have this psychology class at 3:30 to 5pm because two really good classes go on at that time. It is really disappointing. I can\\'t believe I am taking a psychology class(301) this late into my undergrad. I am a senior and I am just taking this class because I decided just recently I want to go into Counseling Psychology. And in order to do that I need 4 Psychology classes with a \"B\" or higher. I am going to make an A in this class. This summer had a large effect on me. I realized that I really didn\\'t want to become a professor and be consumed by grading papers and research and not have adequate time with my family. I think I just spelled that \"adequate\" word incorrectly. I hope this assignment isn\\'t going to be graded on spelling. That would be ridiculous because this is a \"stream of consciousness\" paper. What if a persons stream of consciousness is going insane and causing the person to type faster than normal to get every thought down and in the process spell words incorrectly. This page doesn\\'t have a spell checker. People are so spoiled by spell checkers and typing. Have you noticed that everyone has bad handwriting these days because no one really needs to master the art of writing? My sister told me that when she was little she used to practice her handwriting all the time so it would look nice when she would have to write papers. That seems so ancient now and that was only about 11 or 12 years ago. Its crazy how technology has progressed so rapidly within the past few years. What is going to happen next? I will tell what will happen next. We will overpopulate to the point where there will be no trees or animals left. The earth will be polluted and humans will be the cause of their own demise. I think they should study that in psychology. Why are humans the only animal that makes its environment adapt to it rather than it adapt to its surroundings? We are the only animal that is ruining earth and eating up all its resources. We are causing a great imbalance in nature. Would they even be able to study that in psychology? That might be a little taboo because everyone is so full of themselves that they don\\'t want to admit how ridiculous humans are. or rather, can be. I really like sociology and anthropology better than psychology. Or at least I have more experience in those other two areas. I tend to take the middle ground however. I am not like a psychologist saying that a lot of aspects of human behavior is biological and I am not like a sociologist saying that every aspect of human behavior is a product of environment. I think it is a combination of both and it seems like to me that both fields are too extremist. Am I going to get a bad grade for badmouthing psychology? I hope not. Psychology is a good field, don\\'t get me wrong, but one has to remember that everything has its faults. I took that horrible pre-test today for the experiments. Some of the questions were funny to me. I think its great that they want to know how interested a person is in erotica. Haha. My 20 minutes are over. Guess you don\\'t get to read about my opinions on erotica. ', 'Today my aunt Caroline came up to visit me. she was on a trip out here for business meetings. She told me a bunch of stories about her life at UT when she went here 25 years ago. she told that she was almost raped by a serial rapist the police had been trying to catch for two years. He had been stalking her for weeks, and she never even knew. the only other person I knew who this had happened to is a friend of mine who had an abusive boyfriend who would rape her on a daily basis. she\\'s finally doing a lot better, but still has kind of a loser boyfriend. guys are just weird that way. I\\'ve been going out with the same guy for close to two and a half years now, and it looks like we might get married! I\\'m really excited about that, we\\'ve had lots of plans about various things, but I don\\'t know. we want a house and kids and that whole thing. today in art class, one lady had a quilt as her piece to express an emotion and it really brought me that sense of home. It was so pretty, it had a floral design, but also had these powder green and white solid pieces. It really made me feel at home and almost at my grandma\\'s house. she\\'s got a quilt her mother made, and it is about seventy years old. It was made from material of old clothes that no one fit into anymore. Their family was so incredibly poor that they lived out in the countryside, and worked in the fields. my grandmother has told stories of her life, some gruesome and some amazing. she used to be the one to cut off the heads of the chickens they ate, and it was nothing to her just normal. other times she can remember riding through the country side on her horse where there are now huge freeways and shopping centers. I often wonder what it would be like living back then. she gave me a magazine clipping of how life was like as a teacher back then (she was a teacher, and I am going to be a teacher) and I’m am really glad that we are well on our way into the twenty first century! they used to not be able to be married, have children, they had to go to church every Sunday, clean the classroom at least once a week on their hands and knees with a hand brush, and all these other gruesome things. the only thing I have to worry about are the guns and cuts that go on in the schools (maybe it would be better to go back to the old days, huh?) I want to be an art teacher, but I’m not sure how that will all work out. my major will allow me to be an artist but with an all-level teaching certificate on the side. so. I can either be a starving artist or a starving teacher! (both kind of sad) however, I don\\'t really want to have to be out there working, I’m more of a homebody, and want to be the typical housewife. everyone I know thinks I’m crazy, but that has been my goal (perhaps \"dream\" is too strong a word) ever since I can remember. I have also wanted five children since the time I was about eight years old. I actually come from a family of four children, so maybe the fifth I want is an unconscious way of somehow \"outdoing\" my parents. that has often worried me because it\\'s kind of what it sounds like, but I really don\\'t feel that way. my parents were actually the ones who first brought it up, so I don\\'t know. ', \"I'm just wondering how everything is going to work out, I mean, how is my relationship going to work out if she's in Cali and I'm in TExas. Well, I guess it shouldn't matter that much cause I should be thinking about school. Damn, this place gives me the creeps. No one that I can really talk to. How is anyone going to survive here. Gosh, I miss my baby. Am I making the right choices here in classes? Am I making the right choices in my relationship? I mean, if it doesn't work out, then what am I going to do? My relationship . man, I'm confused. This place is big. This university is big. How am I going to stand out? I haven't met any new friends, not very many. My room mate also sucks. I have no money. That's another thing, how am I going to survive financially? How am I to get enough money to support my college tuition? Mom and dad can't provide the whole thing and financial aid won't cover it all. How am I to make up the rest of the money? And if I do get a job, how am I to balance my job and school at the same time. Gee, and how come I keep thinking of my girlfriend? Damn, everything goes back to her. I can't believe the time I spend thinking of her. This is hopeless. I can't believe I'm even doing this relationship thing. Damn, my head hurts. I hope I'm doing this assignment right. If not, then I'm in trouble. what a way to start out college. Man, I have a headache. I wonder if I'm dying. Ha, I wonder if I'm dying all the time. I wonder if I make myself sick by thinking about that so much? I hope I don't get fat. I hope this college thing doesn't' make me fat and I hope that this whole college thing works out. I don't want to waste anymore of my parent's money. I don't even know what I'm doing here in college. I don't know what I want to be, what I want to do, or how the future's going to be like. Maybe I'm scaring myself. I think about this stuff too much when I should be out doing something about it. I feel so lazy and so useless. So insignificant. Is this what the real world going to be like? Am I going to be another insignificant person? Gosh, my head hurts. Everyone in this room looks dead. Everyone looks like they've been drained of their energy. Man, it's been only 14 minutes and I am writing a bunch of crap. Ha, I guess this is stream of conscience writing huh? I guess it means to just talk to yourself. How come I don't see any familiar faces? No one here is a familiar face to me. I thought I knew a lot of people but damn, I know no one. I hope things get better. I don't think I can stand much more of this. I want to go home for a while. Jester's food is getting old and I miss my parents. I just miss having nothing to do. Maybe I'm just lazy, I don't know. I can't keep thinking like this. I'm not lazy. Think positive buddy. Ha, I'm talking to myself again. I wonder what the professor's going to think about this paper? Oh well, out of 500 some odd students in a class, I don't' think anyone's going to get to this paper. See what I mean? InsignificantF!!! Why so pessimistic Hai? Damn, what happened to the old you? I guess things change huh? I guess things are never going to be the same. Didn't you say you wanted to go to college to get away from it all? Didn't you say that you wanted to start over? HEre's your chance buddy. Take the risk. BE yourself. Meet people. Make yourself a significant part of something. Don't just dissapear. oh, times up. \", ' I\\'m thinking about what I need to do before classes start again, but every time I get started, something interrupts me or I just don\\'t feel like doing it. I\\'m sitting in my room in front of my awesome new computer listening to the \\'Wicked\" soundtrack, it\\'s amazing. my room smelled before, but I cleaned the kitchen so now it doesn\\'t smell anymore. stacy just walked in my room and I yelled at her because I am not supposed to be disturbed during my writing assignments. I\\'m feeling kind of gross, actually. I feel gross because it\\'s the end of the weekend and I was out partying the whole time. I hate when people are like, \"yeah I party\", but I seriously did the whole weekend. now I feel dirty and gross. I also ate like crap this whole weekend. ew. during the week I\\'m so healthy and so conscious of what I eat, and then the weekend comes and it\\'s like I\\'ve never seen food before. what is that about? so now I feel gross because I feel like I ate the entire state of texas and I\\'m disgusting. I\\'ll get over it. I kind of miss camp right now, even though I would never go back. I miss sam israel and hilly and weisberg. those three are like my favorite people in the world. this time seems to be going by so slowly. I feel like I\\'ve been writing forever and I haven\\'t. weird. so back to camp. I miss it because I was so comfortable and so happy. here, I\\'m not used to everything yet. and I miss those three girls because I know that they will always be there and I\\'ve known them forever. I\\'m still getting to know people here, which is fun because I love to meet new people, but sometimes I long for that feeling of comfort and not having to impress or look good for anyone. you know what I mean? and I also miss adam. this is something I could talk about for a while but I don\\'t really know if I want to. it\\'s our 4 year anniversary in a couple of days but the card and present that I sent him won\\'t get there on the 8th, I feel kind of bad about that. what can I do? it was so weird when ross called me the other night, what the f? I\\'m running out of things to talk about. I love traci, my suitemate. I knew her from camp and I\\'m really glad we decided to live together. despite what everyone said, I knew it would be a good decision. we\\'ve been getting along really well. I\\'m thinking about \"friends\" right now because it\\'s my favorite show. I love it so much, and I\\'m so sad that it\\'s over. but I\\'m excited to watch \"joey\" on Thursday. I\\'m definitely going to support him even if the show sucks, though I doubt it will. this is random but I\\'m going to run out of soap and shampoo soon, I\\'m going to have to go to eckerd\\'s to buy more, and I need to return some books to the co-op outlet because there were some books that I didn\\'t need. hopefully I\\'ll get store credit, and then I can buy some stuff. that would be awesome! I need to return my chemistry and old psychology book. I found out that I was in the chemistry class for science majors, and let me tell you that I\\'m the furthest thing from a science major. I hate science. well I don\\'t hate it but I definitely don\\'t belong in that class. so I switched into chemistry in context which is for sure more my pace. and I actually swtiched into this class after classes had started and I found out that I bought the wrong book. I just figured something out about me. I hate bad spellers. so random, I know, but I see myself typing and every time I\\'m about to spell something wrong or I mistype, I get so angry. I don\\'t know how people can just leave words mispelled. I hope nobody reads this because they\\'ll think I\\'m such a weird kid. which I am, but not everyone needs to know that. my brother, danny, always tells me I\\'m a weird kid. he\\'s so funny. and whenever I talk about him to other people, they always ask how old he is, and then they are surprised when I tell them that he\\'s 16, because the way I talk about him, it sounds like he\\'s older. danny always gives me orders and bosses me around, but in a funny way, not in a serious way. people always make fun of our family by calling us the \"brady bunch\" because no one ever seems to fight in my family. I don\\'t know why, but we all just get along. my older sister is my best friend in the entire world. sure, we get annoyed with each other every once in a while, but she is absolutely the first person that I go to with a problem and she\\'s the first person I tell things to. and danny is awesome. there\\'s nothing not to like about him. he\\'s so cute, nice, smart, funny, he\\'s a great catch. some day, girls are going to fall all over him. they should. me and andi (my sister) always say that we would date danny if he wasn\\'t our brother. he\\'s such a cute kid. I\\'m kind of mad at him though because I haven\\'t talked to him in a really long time and he said that he would call me and he didn\\'t. I hate when people do that. I really don\\'t know what else to talk about. I guess I can go through my high school friends and talk about them because then I\\'ll have plenty to say. I hope that\\'s still following the assignment. so I\\'ll start with olivia geyelin. I don\\'t even know why I\\'m writing about her because she sucks. I mean, I hate this girl. she might be the dumbest person I know, and she\\'s always complaining and never knows what\\'s going on. she gets mad at everyone for the dumbest reasons. ew. but I kind of feel bad for her because she\\'s got the worst family life ever. ok I\\'m sick of olivia, now I\\'ll talk about rikki spreckman. ok, I used to love rikki, she was so sweet and nice and always smiling. and then I realized how selfish and dumb she was. I hate sounding like a bitch but I\\' m starting with the people I like the least and working my way to the good ones. ok so rikki, sweet girl, adorable, but so dumb. and she\\'s best friends with hillary, who I\\'ll come back to later, but it annoys me because hillary\\'s one of my best friends and I hate how much time they spend together. I\\'m not jealous, I just know that hillary could do so much better than rikki, but rikki seems to need hillary. and I feel bad for hill because a lot of people don\\'t like rikki, and so they\\'re always talking about her and then people assume that because hill is so close with her that she sucks too, which is so not true. but I\\'ve known rikki since junior high. ok now on to sarah salon. I used to hate sarah. she\\'s a bitch. not kidding. and she\\'s intimidating as hell, but only if you take her seriously. now I like her a lot more because I\\'m not scared of her and I don\\'t take her shit. she has two older sisters who might be the meanest people ever, and she tries to act like them but she\\'s so much better than them. sarah had a boyfriend for a really long time, and so her and I were always able to have really great conversations about boiyfriends and relationships. she\\'s always so much fun to be around. I like her. but her and rikki had this whole feud going for a while and all she would do was talk about rikki and how much she hated her. I\\'m wondering if this timing thing is accurate because I really feel like I\\'ve been doing this forever and every time I\\'m typing, it seems like the seconds don\\'t go by, but every time I pause, the seconds go by quickly. maybe it\\'s in my head, I don\\'t know. but it\\'s weird. I\\'m going to start looking at another clock to see how much time has gone by. ok after sarah, I only have favorites left. everyone else left, I genuinely love, they\\'re my best friends. I\\'ll start with lizzie albert. Elizabeth Chandler Albert. I met lizzie freshman year and we were instantly best friends. I\\'m not kidding, I loved her so much and we could always talk about anything and laughed so much together it was ridiculous. and we were always on the same intellectual level because we were pretty much the same (but she was smarter). in our group of friends, we were the smartest. we were bff, I swear and then junior year, our friends kind of got in this fight and we didn\\'t talk for a really long time. it really bothered me. I\\'m not joking. it killed me that she didn\\'t want to talk to me and I didn\\'t understand. it was so bad. we were never the same again. but at the end of senior year, we got close again, and now I think we\\'re really close, like reverting back to three years ago. I miss her so much, she goes to wisconsin. she\\'s probably having the best time. I can\\'t wait to go visit her. she\\'s so funny, I always have a great time whenever I\\'m with her. Love her. ok after lizzie comes simone. I met simone actually a long time ago. Maybe in 1997. she came to camp and we were good friends, we were in the same cabin. then she stopped going to camp and I didn\\'t see her again until I was in high school. then we became best friends. I LOVE simone. she cracks me up and is so great. we finish each other\\'s sentences, she reminds me of my mom so much, she\\'s like another sister to me. we took this class together called 20th century history and literature, and it was the best class that I have ever taken. I\\'m so glad that we were able to be in that class together. I hate sounding cheesy but it\\'s true. there\\'s no one I\\'d rather be in 20th with than simone. simone\\'s dad died the day before her 5th birthday, and so she lives with her mom. she has two sisters, so the four girls are pretty close. her mom works all the time so I feel like simone\\'s ahead of all of us, she\\'s already an adult. she does things by herself and is really mature. love her. she goes to bradley which is so good for her. I really hope she\\'s happy. she rocks my world. after simone comes marisa. LOVE marisa. we always knew each other but weren\\'t really friends until about sophomore year. then the end of junior year and all of senior year we were like inseperable. we were best friends. me, simone, lizzie and marisa were a foursome. she\\'s so funny, so sweet, loooooves to talk. I love her family and going over to her house because I always have a good time when I\\'m there. marisa was the kid who was on the fast track, if you know what I mean. she had sex when she was 12 or 13, had a cell phone before everyone, never really had any rules. Which the exact opposite of me. but she\\'s great and I love her. she has parties and her house is always the one we go back to after dances and stuff. marisa and I went to breakfast every Saturday morning of our senior year. that makes me so sad that I don\\'t get to do that anymore. she goes to indiana, and she loves it. both her parents went there and loved it. her mom was president of aephi there, so she won\\'t have any problems getting into the sorority. marisa goes with the flow, she\\'s not uptight or anal about much. she\\'s actually underrated anal but I won\\'t tell anyone about that. love her. and last, I\\'ll talk about Hillary. I love her. I\\'ve known her since the early days at camp marimeta. she was always the little girl that everybody loved. we didn\\'t become friends until we were older and then became like best friends junior and senior year. she\\' so great. I honestly love her and miss her so much. she wanted to go here so badly and didn\\'t get in. Ass holes. but I don\\'t think she would have come here anyways. I can talk to hillary about everything. I love her. she goes to illinois. I can\\'t wait to go visit her. she\\'s so fun and we\\'ll have the best time partying, but I also can\\'t wait to just talk with her and lay on her bed. she\\'s so funny and a great person to be with. we\\'re very similar in a lot of ways and I just think that she\\'s great. the first time I came to visit texas she came with me. and we were on poms together. She was even my big sister one year. I miss poms. and I miss hill, I need to call her actually because I miss her so much. she\\'s so cute and so talented. she\\'s the best dancer ever and she has a really great voice but she doesn\\'t really sing anymore. sometimes I make her sing to me, but she doesn\\'t sing for a lot of people. ok so now that I only have about a minute left I can talk about adam. adam jeffrey silver. I met the kid the first day of high school. I was like, damn he\\'s hot. we were in like 3 classes together and our last names are close so we sat next to each other. we exchanged phone numbers, he asked me to homecoming and we dated ever since. he\\'s my best friend in the entire world. he knows me better than even I know myself and more than my sister knows me. he\\'s so special to me and I know that I\\'m in love with him and that I will always love him. I miss him so much. sometimes I don\\'t\\' know what to do with myself because I miss him so much but I know it\\'s the right thing to be with other people right now. how else are we supposed to know if we\\'re really right for each other? this is the time to find out , you know? well, it\\'s been great. see you later ', 'It is 2:20 on Wednesday the something. I never remember the date anymore since I quit my job this summer. I think it is the 2nd now that I think about it. Anyway, I guess I will be writing until about 2:40. that gives me a little time left over until I have to go to Psy 301 today. I wonder what the movie will be about. I really hate sitting in class for an hour and a half strait. What really stinks is that all my classes are like that. Except my Calculus discussion class. It is only 50 minutes long a day, two days a week. I just got out of that class. My TA in there is really boring. He reminds me of a Seinfeld episode. The one with the low-talker. I don\\'t really watch Seinfeld, but I saw that one. He is extremely dry too. He stands in front of the board when he writes, and that makes it extremely hard to see what he is doing. Sometimes he even erases stuff before the class even gets to see it at all. Some teachers just really stink like that. Other than that 100 minutes a week, my classes are going pretty good. I have been writing for 7 minutes now. Whoever is reading this (if anyone is at all) will have to trust me. I am not an ultra fast typer, so the form might not be as long as some students, but I guess it isn\\'t the size that counts. :-) I am at a loss for words now. My roommate would love this assignment. He can talk forever. I have know Aaron (my roommate) for nearly 6 years now. It is weird that we are still friends. He is so moody all the time, I never know how to act around him. He is great and all, but it is like living with a women who is constantly having her period. Serious mood swings. He is gay, so I guess it is kind of like living with a women. I\\'m not gay though. Here is a question. You decide whether or not this is fair. the University of Texas at Austin thinks nothing about letting two homosexual partners (male or female) live in the same room with one another all year. UT doesn\\'t have one problem with that. However, they get all pissy when my girlfriend is in my dorm room after 11:30 on weekdays, and 1:30 on weekends. Tell me the logic of that. Please. Someone tell me the difference between me and Aaron having sex all night long (not going to happen though) and Kristen and I having sex all night long. Not even sex. Just sleeping in the same bed. Tell you what, not even sleeping, but just talking with one another. I am not a sexaholic yet anyway. Does that seem to bother anyone else but me? I guess I found a few words. It is 2:35. Kristen and I have been dating for nearly 6 years now. I have only had one other girlfriend in my life. We started dating in Junior High school. Man! It hasn\\'t even seemed like that long. We were engaged for a short period of time last year, but since then we have decided to back up to \"dating\" again. It was her decision really. I wanted to get married this Christmas break, but she had a change of heart. We are still going to get married, just a little farther down the road. Well, I suppose that that is my 20 minutes of streaming. That flew by rather quickly. This was a good idea on your parts. See you all in class. Louis A Barrow III ', \"wow I really need to shower but I'm going to go work out later so that is ok. maybe tim will come and abbey and mike, they would be so cute. I don't know though but I'm glad tim called me yesterday. the flowers aunt michelle sent me are getting old where should I put them, I guess in the waste basket thing by the stairs. I wish I could use those but every time I go down for lunch you can't get in from that staircase, its annoying. I'm really hungry. I was not supposed to eat the snickers and kit kats but I mean I practically had vegetables for lunch so its ok, plus its the weekend soon and I don't want to waste it. I forgot to go draw my tickets, I never know when to go. I should look it up soon but I can't go now because sunny and abbey have not given me their IDs and its probably too late anyway. and lets see only like an hour till psychology, I want to sleep but ate the candy so I'd stay awake and its working I mean I'm a little tired but not too much. I went to bed around like 1 last night but I wanted to study more, but my roommate was sleeping and she gets mad or annoyed sometimes when I turn on the light, like its a spotlight on her or something. anyway kinda pisses me off and I have to do everything in the dark which takes forever, I have to brush my teeth, take my pills, do my nose drops, lots of stuff. and then she wakes up really early - well she had a class, but she didn't wake up to her alarm and I did. and then when she left it went off again and I still had an hour to sleep before I had to get up to get dressed. it was cool though. my room is nice and clean now, the maid lady came because she forgot to come yesterday. I can't really do this if my roommate is in here, oh well. she is about to come in, I hope I can focus! this is really hard to think of things to say because I have never really paid attention to my stream of consciousness. I don't know if I'll be able to draw my tickets tomorrow because my classes are in the morning and I don't know what time it closes. probably all sold out anyway, so many people here. but its funny because I'm not meeting as many people as I'd like to, but I have only gone to like one frat so. I'm glad I met tim though, that was kind of random and he is really cute. and abbey seems to like mike, who really likes her, and they would be cute too. but abbeys is either changing a lot or living a lie, she goes to frats like 4 times a week, its crazy. and I have been friends wither her for like 10 years so I know she procrastinates so I hope she gets her work done. I don't think she is though because she always says she has hw and then leaves to go party or something, whatever though. we might go get coffee later at barnes n noble, its such a far walk. I don't need coffee either but I think abbey thinks I'm mad at her so I'm going to go anyway and just study I guess. I mean I knew college was a lot of studying but I didn't think it'd be this much. maybe because I'm such a slow reader. I only read about 20 pages per hour. and in the textbook its only 10 per hour. its so slow and so many pages. I finally finished the psychology homework like 2 hours ago, it was sort of interesting but I hope the next chapters are better. I don't think I'm retaining anything. which is bad because I read for so long that you'd think I'd be learning it. I get psychology confused with philosophy and then can't seem to remember either of them. but in class I listen and I get it, then after I try to think about it and all my classes run together. yesterday was especially bad because I got my first grade on a calculus homework assignment. I made a 71 and it really pissed me off because I worked so hard and asked the teacher assistant for help but he gave me the wrong answer and I trusted it. he also didn't do some examples on the board correctly, which made me get another one wrong. today he was all ?oops? yeah it made me mad. but oh well I can drop it according to the syllabus that I don't have printed out. I hope whoever reads this does not think I'm a psycho or anything, or can't spell because its either a typo or I just don't spell well. I really am a good student though and I'm really sad about the calculus hw because it was my very first college grade and I have been waiting for all my hard work to pay off, and it sucked. I was in the bathroom at kerby lane and I cried when I told my dad, I always do that. its good that I have bangs now because if I were to cry or not pluck which I need to do, you can't tell that much. I'm funny about crying, I do it when something really touches my heart, which is kind of often I guess. but pain wise I'm pretty tough, I played basketball for so long. I'm so accident or injury prone. I swear I always get hurt. at the football game that hurt so much when I stepped on that glass I think there was still some in my foot but beth said there was not. it does not hurt anymore so that is alright. I just hope everything goes well for me I mean I really wanted a 4. 0 gpa but now I'm scared. maybe being scared will hinder my performance, so ill stop worrying about it and just trust that I'm smart enough. twenty minutes is almost up. \", \"Don't want to do this. This is stupid tweny minutes is so long. mtv award show is on. Man I'm missing it. Been waiting all week for this. I'll listen while I'm writing . Cypress hill . change chanel. Simpsons. excellent. The simpsons are so great. Stupid history class. Don't want to go to the field house with JJ. Hes such a jock. FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL. Football is so boring. Any parties this weekend. Will called. Message says Friday at four. The initiation is on Friday at four. I hope this Frat is fun. Will says its fun. Kat says it sucks. Maybe I'll just go to the parties. Parties are fun. Last Friday was fun. New message From Mom. God Won't she just let me be. I came to college to get away from them. Hated going shopping with her on Sunday. She is so stubborn. Simpsons. Homer at the vet. So funny. Denise. How can she eat that bologna sandwich. Its so grodie. Doesn't she know what goes into that crap. They allow a certain percentage of rat parts in there. ten minutes. hope friday has lots of liquor. Need liquor. Hope the frat people arent there. they're weird. hope melissa comes. Man I hope Melinda gets her internet card this weekend. this gum is stale. Need new piece. it is so cold in here turn down AC. So tired. Why am I tired. I took a nap. Maybe I'm getting sick. Maybe I should eat something other than cereal. Ate lunch with William today. It was nice of him to come. Five minutes. I'm hungry now. Maybe I should have some soup. Hope I got a Package today. I hope Mimi sent some more rolls. The last ones got moldy. Gross. Need sweet rolls. Puff Daddy get to Chris Rock. Puff Daddy is boring. what channel is friends on. Two. or Three. Six Beef chop suey is gross. \", \" Today has been such a long day. I thought it would never end. Right now i am really energetic. Im watching tv right now. IM listening to the music video by Styles. It is awesome. i just finished submitting my cal homework. im glad that it is over. My roommate is playing different songs on his guitar. I look outside my window and all i see is darkness. i see the lights around the stadium, since i live near it. when it is game day, i can hear the roar of the crowd in my room. i finally received my poster that i have been waiting for. it is a scarface poster with the quote, say hello to my little friend. i smell chocolate and soap in my room. its probably because i just had a protein shake and just washed the cup. i wonder whats going on at my home in Pasadena. i wonder what my friends are doing. i have to drive home tomorrow. i hate driving long distances. but then again, i will have my sister in the car, so i guess it ok. im really thristy for some cold water. i hear the music video by michelle branch. i want to watch the movie scarface right now. i love to watch that movie. it is the greatest movie ever made. i wonder if i should do the frat thing. i think i would really enjoy it. i just wonder what the pledge process would be like. oh well, i pretty sure i can handle it. i met so many people this past weekend. i had so much fun going out and hanging out with my friends. i just heard my roommate say that he thinks he should me a singer. i think thats pretty weird. he can't sing at all. he sounds like finger nails scrapping a chalkboard. i have an itch right now. my roommate is over here complaining about his homework. he says he doesnt get the formulas. hes doing the frat thing this semester. his pledge process has already started. i think he is going to have a lot of fun. i wish i could type better. i need to figure out cal. im doing ok in the class, but i want to do better. i need to by some milk when i get back from pasadena. im so sore from working out. i can tell that i won't be able to walk in the morning. i need to take out the trash. it doesnt smell or anything, i just want to take it out before it does start to smell. i need to sign up for a tutor for cal class. i think i will be able to do a lot better when i get one. i need to get a new cell phone. im not getting real good service right now, but then again its prolly because im always in a building on campus. i never really understood the levis commmercial where he dumps a car into the ocean but then swims back down to get a book. i also need to fill the water. i love the brita filter. man i need to go to bed soon. it kind of cool how people are able to tell so much about a person from what they write. i need to start working again. i want to get my job at best buy again. i had so much \", \"This blank screen is staring at me and my fingers are moving in my peripheral vision and this screen is so retarded. I wonder why I put 3 dots at the end of that sentence and who made that up anyway. my shoulders are getting sore-I probably shouldn't type with my arms straight out like this. I wonder if that helps combat carpal tunnel syndrome-ok, I’m going to scoot up. I can't believe its Sat at 700 PM and I'm writing this. I'm such a nerd. actually I'm not. ,. I'm cool--but that's all relative I guess. I’m really into drinking my coffee and I’m staring at my green porcelain coffee cup with its drip coffee stains already on the side from where my lips have been. steam is rising out of the top and I really want to pick it up and have a sip of it but then this writing isn't continuous is it? Jewel is playing in the background volume 5 and she's kind of distracting. here comes foolish games. I can totally relate. I wonder if Scott is thinking about me right now--I hope he's not the T. A for this class. This is so incredibly weird. I think I like him but I’m not sure. he reminds me of Scott wolf and I can't stand him is that a bad sign? I like Richard's accent too. wow English accents are really cute. Like in London. all of the guys were so amazing. especially that one in the subway that looked like Gavin Rossdale but he was speaking Italian so I doubt it was him. I wonder How Liz is doing? And Michelle? Why isn't Ken calling me? I hate it when guys ask for your number and then never ever call you back. or else they wait a really long time to do it. Kind of like max. I wonder how he's doing I wonder about his dumb model sister in Paris. whatever. I love Jewel. I want to play piano right now even though I haven't played in six years. my gosh it's 7 :20 already and this is pretty fun. I should probably get a diary and do this in it but then what if someone reads it and thinks I'm a rambling idiot? I have an ache in my heart about the council. I wonder why my name isn't on the list? I swear, my application was the best one out of all of them. They are so retarded. Maybe it was too sweet and idealistic. maybe they think I'm full of crap and Making it up. but I really think that way. Maybe it's cause I was listening to Jewel at the time,. I wonder when my roommates are getting home they are so active. of course they didn't have to get up at 700am this morning for crew tryouts. Ok, I probably didn't make it cause those chicks are total hosses. I have a lot of respect for those girls on the team. I wonder if St4eve will get back to me on being the coxin. I have no idea how to spell that word. my tongue is dry and why did I staple Scott’s number to an orange sticky note so it's staring right back at me? He writes like such a guy. My walls are so bare. and the st4reaks of light from the blinds are coming in golden. I wish I could write songs like Jewel. I want to play the guitar well too. I miss my Dad. he's staring back at me from my wall and he looks kinda sideways and I wonder why I returned that dress. this screen is so confusing I lose my place my toe hurts and I feel full. My wrap was gross though. I can't believe they didn't take my CDs--they’re so retarded. My tailbone hurts and I hope I'm not sore tomorrow Steve was a bit extreme. I keep hitting the wrong keys I really need to get to the container store and get some hangers but I know I need to do my homework. I hate calculus homework. I’m dreading it. I wonder why I’m so down and pessimistic today? I'm usually not. Oh--gosh, I've got so much stuff to do and organize and my thirty minutes is about done. I wonder if I typed more than other people did and I wonder if a TA. actually reads all this crap and how he grades it? weird. Maybe I should play my guitar. \", \"Ok, it's labor day. What a great day. Good thing because I needed to do a lot of homework. Geez, calculus is so easy but they give us too much homework. That baja place really sucked. That's not Mexican food at all! It was way too expensive for the way it tasted. That dog commercial was funny! I have been eating too much Domino's Pizza lately. I'm going to lose all my muscle and just get fat if I keep it up. Halo was awesome last night. 3 Hours for one mission! That's crazy. But it was so much fun. That girl I met is so cool. She's different, and I like that. Hmm, if I try too hard she won't like that and she'll get scared off. If I don't try at all she'll think I don't like her. Girls are so freaking confusing. That chick had a guys name. Mr. Pennebaker is pretty cool and funny. I thought it was going to suck at first. Oh my god that psychology book is starting to get really hard to read. The next chapter talks about all the parts of the brain and I don't think my brain will be able to remember all that stuff. I wonder if that puppy turns girls off? Hmm oh well if they don't like it I don't care. I should get more water because its starting to run out. Is weed really that bad? Hmm, why do so many people do it? I don't know but I don't think it's that bad. Alcohol is probably worst and that's legal. My hand is starting to hurt and it's only been like 6 minutes. I miss my car. It was so freaking fast. Going 125 on the highway was freedom. Now I'm really stressed out and don't know how to relieve it. I want to play halo again. I'm going to try to call her again in like an hour. I hope she isn't too busy. Man I should just wait for her to call me, what if she starts hating me for trying too hard. I want to eat McDonalds later on. And some ice-cream. Damn, then I have to go run for an hour. Why am I starting to hate that. It used to be my favorite thing to do. Well probably because there are so many better things to do here. Church was ok. The singing and piano were freaking awesome! It was a little boring though. Mass in Spanish is better for me. I have to go look for one soon. That'll be better. If god doesn't exist that would suck. That means when we die we just die. We can't dream anymore, we can't think, or do anything. We just don't exist. I can't even imagine that. Because when I am sleeping I am still thinking. What would it feel like to no longer be in existence? Well you wouldn't really feel anything. I'm answering a lot of my own questions. Why does Pennebaker want us to do this. He has his professional degree. He must be pretty damn smart. Maybe he is studying us every time we go into his class. I miss my dog. I hope he is in doggy heaven now. I hate cats, why don't they like me. Hey it's Robert, I'm going to go answer the door. Ok lets turn on the TV. Only 8 minutes left. pp pp shee pp pp shee. He's busting a beat it sounds pretty good. I like coke better than Pepsi. How can anybody not like Adam sander. He is so funny and so is that guy on that god movie. what was it called. Hmm. Hmm. Oh yeah Bruce almighty. what was his name. Ace Ventura no that isn't it. Hmm. Oh Yeah JIM Carrey. he is funny too. Old but funny. Wow will smith looks good for him being so old and all. I want to keep looking that young when I get old. Music is awesome. I've learned so much about what I like since I've gotten here. I think I'm going to learn a lot about myself in this college. I'm glad I got accepted. Actually I like that I got that full scholarship. Man mad TV is funny. they are really good actors. I hope people don't think they are losers because it is really hard to keep a straight face and act so well. We are going to go eat again. Yummy! I hope it is like a burger place or something. Kinsolving food is pretty good. The people there are also really nice. That black guy is hilarious. He is really friendly too. I wonder when I have to take that test for the business school. I think I failed it the last time I took it. GOD she is so pretty. Both of them. Why are girls like that. Why do they lead you on. Even now she is leading me on. Is the new girl my girlfriend now? We do everything that couples do. we go out in public together and everyone has seen us. Does that make us an Item? Maybe. I'm not sure if I want a girlfriend here in college. But the companionship of a female is really good. Having a good girlfriend is hard to find. I hope that girl I met last week will be good friends with me. I can learn so much from her. But she is too attractive and it'll be really hard for me to just be friends with her. I've already kissed her. She let me, so what does that mean? Maybe just friends that think they are attractive. She probably did mean that she doesn't want a boyfriend. Well girls are so confusing. 20 minutes up, time to go eat. Later \", 'College isn\\'t at all what I thought it was going to be. MAN, that French class is really kicking my but right now!! But, I\\'m determined to suck it up and get through it with a decent grade!! I feel so insignificant compared to John, he probably has no idea what it feels like to feel so behind everyone else! But of coarse, I would never let on to that around him. I really can\\'t wait till I finish this semester and maybe next semester I will have a better experience. I really think that 17 hrs for a freshman is a little too much, especially for me. I really feel like I cheated someone out of a spot well earned here at UT. I don\\'t feel like I\\'m smart enough to be here. But I\\'m sure that I\\'m not the only person that had those thoughts every now and then. I really just hope I can keep a b avg so I can keep that scholarship!!! I should probably make French a pass/fail class. I\\'m just so jealous of people that catch on to language so quickly and leave students like me in the dust!! Ah. I should just be glad that I have the opportunity to explore myself here instead of griping about it 24/7. And MOM!!! she can\\'t keep her mouth shut. If I wanted John to know I wasn\\'t feeling very confident then I would have told him!!!! But of coarse, he calls and says, \"mom said you couldn\\'t handle your FR class. Well, just remember that school is your job!\" I know JOHN!!!!!!!!!!! he just doesn\\'t understand that I have too much pride in me to admit that, yeah, I was crying to mom that I really didn\\'t know if I could keep up in French! I hate it when he sees that \"failing\" side of me. I want to be as invincible as he is. And that\\'s impossible. I can\\'t live up to his example!! There\\'s no way I\\'ll graduate first in my class here at UT like he did and get some awesome job in new York that pays more money than I\\'ve ever seen at once!!! It sux having a brother that had scholarships that paid all of his college expenses with money still left over!!!!! He amazes me. Maybe that\\'s my problem is I\\'m trying too hard and wasting all my energy to impress him! Its not Mom, I know she just wants these years to be the best years of my life, but john wants them to be my JOB!!!!!! What the hell!!!! Can I not have a normal family that just is happy and supportive of me and understands that I am an individual that will do and accomplish different things than they ever did in different ways than they ever thought of!!! Maybe UT\\'s not for me. Maybe I\\'m meant to be at some rinkydink community college, where not that much is expected of me!! But no. That\\'s not me. There\\'s just something in me that won\\'t let me settle on average ', \"I can't wait until tomorrow. I have only one class from 9 to 10 and then its time to go to the Matchbox 20 concert. I love Christie so much and I can't what to see her tomorrow. Christie, I hope you'll give me another chance some day. Your the best thing that’s ever happened in my life. God I've changed so much this summer. I am so excited about pledgeship. I love you mom. I am going to study my rear off though to get a 4. 0. I wish I was living at Towers because Jester SUCKS. And the food is nothing special at all. I got to ask mom and dad for some cash. I really can't wait to get back to Houston to see everybody there and especially Dean, Cassie, Mrs. Smith, and of course Christie. I need to keep working out. It's doing me alot of good. Carter needs to tone it down in there so that I can finish this paper. Holy cow my mind just went blank. Oh wait a minute. 2 great looking girls are swimming over at the Theta house. I hope the Rockets win it all next year because the Bulls are really pissing me off. College is going to be tough but I think I will do just fine. I am going to be more than successful one day. I don't hope this, I know this. For the love of God. I type so slow it's not even funny. That's what I need to do is take a typing class because this is ridiculously to short and it should be much longer. Only one more minute of writing and then I'll. . . . . . Oh, what do you know. times up. \", 'In the eighteen years of my life I\\'ve realized that man is either born without a conscience or with one. I was born with one. In my heart I bleed at the injustices of the world, of the rights taken from humans because they had not the power. What is more distressing comes not from the fact that the injustice is so evident but because of the powerlessness of the victim. I believe that education can free a man. An educated society becomes more aware. It can offer self-esteem, knowledge, influence, and the voice to speak out. It has become my belief that I or anyone else who is willing can make a difference. The conscience in me longs to make a difference. To scream at the top of my lungs, \"This is wrong! You are wrong! Give back his rights! Give back what does not belong to you!\" but I know in the bottom of my heart that humans, no matter how hard they may try will never rid the earth of its total harshness, because some men were born with feeling and some without. This gives no excuse for not trying to make a change for the better because with every change, an initiation must begin. Though my eyes see the sorrow of the world, I am a person who strives to look for the positive in people. My first encounter with an individual has me searching and finding his good qualities. More likely I am opt to say something good about a person rather than bad. Within me I feel no intimidation toward others strengths and I take pleasure in finding and praising someone else\\'s gifts. Determination is the driving force of my soul. Being perceptive of other\\'s nature has allowed me to see that it takes more than intelligence to reach a goal. I know only if I want it can be done and within my veins is a spirit that keeps me aiming to reach the top. It seems forever that I have expected highly of myself. With every aspect of my life I feel a certain pull to be the best I can be. Rarely do I accept being less. My love of knowledge and natural curiosity arrives from my need to grasp my world to better understand it. I cannot accept just reading new knowledge. It is utterly important for me to comprehend it as well. This allows me to know the unknown, to conquer all the earth\\'s secrets for I do not like being put in the dark. I must see all things with my eyes, my heart, and my brain. This gives me confidence and strength. Hopefully, I will conquer all my fears, build my character, and use it to make a difference in the world. ', \"Okay, now is the time -- I usually don't have trouble writing for a long period of time - at least typing, because I think I type faster than I write. I am continuously writing e-mails to people. In fact, one semester I was even addicted to the Internet! I was always on it. I wasn't as bad as my roommate at the time thought he never even went to class! I couldn't believe it. At least I knew to be addicted at nighttime! Anyway - I enjoy typing and I really enjoy writing my thoughts. This stream of consciousness reminds me of my senior year in high school when we got to read James Joyce in my English class. It was the best book I read all year - the Portrait of the Artis as a Young Man - does this computer have a way to skip to the next line, or do I do that myself? Well - I shall do it myself. OK - anyway - about Stephen Dedalus - in James Joyce. The entire book was written the way I am writing this essay. I guess it is an essay -- I always thought they were spelled like S. A. ! but - that seems stupid when you think about it. Psychology really seems interesting. But - I know the tests are hard. I am graduating in December and I have always wanted to take Psy. I just never had the time when it came to my major and all the government, etc. classes I had to take. I can't wait to graduate. There is so much red tape at this institution. Yesterday - just to add into a class that wasn't even full - My God. You would think the class is controlled by Zeus himself! I had to fill out forms - and then I had to make inquiries and get permission from the professor. Just so I could take Accounting 310f for Non- Business majors that isn't even a grade for me since I am taking it pass/fail. Now does that not sound stupid. Sometimes I think education has become too much like government. Not enough quality - just a lot of quantity of BS where nothing is really ever accomplished. The status quo just seems to prevail. I think that is terrible. but -if you think about it - it makes sense. This institution cares not if I get a good education- but rather if I am able to jump through all the hoops it places before me. Whether I can read the fine print and take all the courses and get all the red tape cut before I graduate. Is that what the college experience should be about? I guess college prepares a person for life. Not in the classes taken per se - but in the lifestyle of the student. So - if I understand that life is simply college magnified, and if I can jump through all the hoops placed before me in college and actually graduate with my 120 hours, then maybe life won't be as complicated and difficult. The question then becomes if life gets more simple and less strenuous and frustrated, then shouldn't college follow in suit? Since I don't believe that will ever happen, I guess the college is here to stay. If anything - college prepares a person for graduate school! Law school, oy - a Yiddish expression - I can't wait for that! I am taking a course now on constitutional law by Dr. Perry. I absolutely love it. - It mystifies me, the Constitution. What does is cover - what responsibilities does it have. How does one know? All these questions can be answered and asked in this class. There are only 10 people in the class - compared to the 500 or so in PSy. class, I would say that's pretty good! I think I figured out how to do these lines on this computer I just have to push return before getting to the end of the line instead of writing one line to eternity. How does the TA actually know that I spent 20 minutes on this? What if I simply type really fast and I get more words on the screen than the next guy? What if I say -- well, it's only been 5 minutes but - I gotta go? Who ever thought of that movie with Woody Allen about the future and sex is regulated! DAMN! I promised myself to write about everything in the world not having anything to do with sex. I thought that for 20 minutes I could think of not having sex. Damn. I guess I am just a typical 21 year old guy who can't get his mind out of the gutter. that really upsets me I always thought I could be more than the average Joe. Well - that shall be for my next paper on the college experience. Boy - are y'all gonna love that or what?!! GOTTA GO NOW -- THE PROFESSOR IS CALLING ME!!! \", \"well I don't know what to say but I think I should start by sayin I'm really beginning to appreaciate the little things of life. I always have but learning about the body is facinating. the brain especially. there have been times when I feel things and wonder, but I'm now getting some answers due to this book. the class we havnt learned much but the book I've gone ahead. i think about all kinds a things. mostly music and social justice. besides psyc, I got bio which is boring so far but I know I like it . my other classes r mexican american study classes which are all intertwing, or overlap. i think college is coo so far, but for other people I'm sure its harder for others. u se e I've always pretty much been alone, besides my mom. my parents divrced when I was 3, and ever since then my father figures have been in a almost constant shuffle. from my stepdad, to my uncle, to a rapper that I consider my biggest influence, and the last 15 years later my dad. i feel alota anger deep down but have always been able to control it. most of the time but we all have outlashes I guess. now I am just starting to reach a stable state,,I'm here finally,,no more anticipation,,I'm off weed and drinking,,but the main issues are always family and my lady. shes still in san jose, ca where I'm from. i don't know if I should be faithful or what but I think so. weve talked about a lot a things in our year together and I've taen a lot a shit out onher. i miss every1 a lot but I'm a strong person that can overcome it. always have. adversity is a part of my life that I take in stride. u have too. i see all these others here adapting and hardly any look happy,,they look all fake but maybe its just cuzz I'm on the outside just the way I like it. i'm a chicano here and it seems 90% are all white and 5% asian, 4% black , and 1% other. i also don't like it cuzz I havent really been far from campus cause no car and its to hot to take the bus. I love the bus cause I get to see all the poor people that I love associating wiht. the other homeboys and girls in the struggle or the older mexicans. u can learn a lot from talking to strangers or just observing. thats what I've always done at home and I look forward to doing it here. thats y I came here instead of miami,,cause theres mexicans here. i got a lota pride and love for my people. thats y sometimes my relationship tears me apart. my lady is white. i don't know how it happened,,we started as nothing and ended up being perfect. but llike everyhting I think theres a reason and I know if its meant to be I can work through it. i liked the part of the text that talked about anger and the balence of hapiness we all achieve,,,money doesn't make any1 better. in y opinion its almost like it makes potentially good people worse. but theres always exceptions. power is the other main curropter. or do people currupt power,,,who knows. i've always known that sensations were the vary things to guide ur life. they come from somewhere and I couldnt say where. i think god. gods everywhere. i don't go to church but in my heart I'm going the right direction, doing the right things. thats y u feel what u feel. ur direction and what u want to become. people don't realize that. and sometimes unfortuanatly people are very impressionable. especially in our society, putting aside color, gender, socioeconomic, everything,,,theres very few people that fight through it. i know iam 1 but I also know its harder to stay on top than just getting ther . i look forward to proving that I belong here \", \"My thoughts, sensations, and emotions are always changing with each new experience, idea, and whatever happens throughout my life. They are affected sometimes by what other people think and sometimes affected from just maturing and thinking differently. Right now I feel like I am in control of myself because I am doing well in school academically, socially, and mentally. School work is very important to me and I make sure that I do well. I don't go overboard like a lot of my friends who study hours every day. Socially, I have adapted very well in meeting new friends. Mentally, I am in control and focused on what is going on in my life. There were some problems that have caused some stress in my life since college started. First, me and my roommate got in some petty arguments, but now we are getting along just fine. Also, I had some guy problems. I regretted doing some things I knew I shouldn't have done, but now we worked things out and or friendship is even better than before. I know that I haven't been eating right and sleeping enough, which is causing some changes in my body that cause me to be more tired and weak. I always go to sleep way too late and wake up early for my classes. Last night a friend called at two in the morning and I talked to him for hours even though I should have y eight-o-clock class. I am in a very good mood today because everything seems to be working out for me. I'm usually a nice pleasant person until I am faced with a lot of stress or go through PMS. Then I get in a really bad mood. My friends know when to stay away from me. The only thing really troubling me right now is all the reading I have to do for my classes. the assignments they give us are no problem, but the reading is crazy. They bombard us with reading assignments that really aren't necessary. My art class, for instance, requires for the present moment for me to read from pages 13 to 200-something. I really don't want to read about all these statues and paintings and sculptures from different eras. Anyway, I miss my family, but I'm not homesick at all. How can I be when my parents call ALL the time? I know they care for me, but it's really not necessary for them to want to visit every weekend, which I won't allow them to do. That sounds mean, but they're going to have to get used to it. I do miss the free laundry and the home-cooked meals and my own room and my nice bathroom, but oh well. \", \"I'm at home right now. it's weird because I don't really live here anymore sine my new home is at UT. 'm glad I got to come and see my dog and my cats. they miss me alot. I love my sister. she already says she wants to be a d-g and she knows nothing about it but that her big sis is one. I have so much to do that it's crazy. I feel like no mater what I do there's always something else to do. I am sooooooo excited about Friday. my ex-boyfriend is diving down from tech to see me. it's been over a month since I’ve seen him. I can't decide what to do about him. we get along great. he can treat me well, when he doesn't he doesn't do it on purpose. I know that this sounds pathetic but it's not. I’m confused because I want us to get back together this weekend but I also want to just be friends. it's just that I love him so much and could see myself married to him. I know that he loves me. he said that he wanted us to get back together, but we'll see what happens. it's amazing how the boy is always on my mind. I mean, the more I try to stop, the worse it gets. I guess that's how you know that you're in love. ok, it's been ten minutes and I still have ten to go. yeah, not. I hate to write. I hate that I had to take freshman English because I got at 600 instead of a 610 on my sat2. dumb. the class will be easy though. I like college life. the only class I’m scared of is calculus. I was supposed to take it in high school but was busy with dance and pals so I didn't take it. big mistake. I’ve forgotten so much stuff since junior year. my lil sis is a big sophomore now. she still seems so young to me. my parents went to the airport to get my older bro. he's the perfect son-national merit scholar, works for my dad, etc. the cowboys won today. I was exited. Josh, my ex, and I used to bet on the cowboy games. this reminds me to copy that e-mail he wrote. he was fighting with this other guy over me. how romantic. I miss him alot. I’m so glad I get to see him this weekend. I know that this is materialistic, but I’m worried about what to wear. I have this effect on him that he can't resist me(I know it sounds like I have an ego, but he has the same effect on me which makes it so hard) it was easy when I’d see him every day because it made him want to be with me. but I’m worried now that he's away, he'll forget about his woman in Austin. but whatever's mean to be will be. I’m very religious, but today I didn't go to church. it's hard to find time in college. excuses, excuses. I need to go by and oil-absorbing mask. my oily skin is gross. well, I’d love to sit here and type some more, but my time is about up and I have to go to the store before my parents and brother get home for family hamburgers night. I can't decide if I’m going home to UT tonight or not. I think I might just stay here but I can't decide. hope that my mind helps you in this experiment or whatever this is. I can't to learn about all this mind stuff. it looks coll. well, bye for now. ps- I feel like I just wrote a long e-mail to a friend. maybe that's what I’ll do now. \", \"I have never been asked to do anything like this before. It is actually hard to think of anything to think about when you are asked to. This class seems as though it is going to be very interesting. Many people act in strange ways. Maybe this class will help me better understand that. I have a friend that acts in strange ways. Well, actually he use to be my boyfriend. It is so intersting to sit back and watch how he reacts to different things. He sometimes is so hateful and so mean to people for no reason. He has said so many mean things to me and the next day he is sorry for acting the way he did. But the funny thing is, he always ends up doing it again. My dad is somewhat the same way. But he seems more like he has a split personality. It is sometimes very scary. He can just snap sometimes and be a totally different person then he really is. Most of the time it is for no apparent reason. Maybe him being a heavy drinker has something to do with it. I also have a friend that doesn't know how to deal with her emotions too well. She goes literally crazy sometimes. One time I didn't answer my cell phone, and she left the most hateful voice mail. If you would have heard it, you would have thought she was crazy too. But when i confront her about it, she says sorry and can't explain why she did it. I seem to always be stuck in the middle of everything. No matter who is involved or what the situation is, my name always some how pops up. It is pretty aggrivating actually. And I have always lived my life to my dads standards. I never really get to worry about pleasing myself, because i always have to worry about pleasing my dad. My dad wanted me to be a cheerleader. So of course i worked my butt off to become one. He also wanted me to get in to UT. Don't get me wrong, i love it here. But the more i do want he wants the more he ask of me. None of his other children are asked to live up to his standards. \", \"this writing assignment is very interesting. it is strange how it is somewhat difficult to simply write whatever I am thinking. sometimes it is hard to tell. I really need to catch up on some of my homework. I also need to find a job. high school was so much different than college is. that isn't necessarily a bad thing. just different. I like living in Austin. there is much more to do than there is in a town of under 300 people. I am hungry. where should I eat lunch today. my parents are coming down this weekend. I think I'll leave. to many people in a little apartment. I don't really think I could handle it. I got a cat. well a kitten actually. to keep my company. it whines a lot. and likes to crawl up my leg. I haven't really talked to that many people from back home since I have been here. but that doesn't really bother me. I need new people. meeting people here is harder than I thought it would be. I figured since this is a huge campus that it would be easy and just kind of happen. but it turns out I think I might actually have to make an effort to meet new people. I really need to find a job. hopefully on-campus. that would be great. I am looking forward to psychology class today. it is interesting. I want to learn how people think. because I wish I knew a lot of the time. but I don't really think that is something you can learn. because everyone's mind works differently, so how can you learn how people think if it not the same with any one person? how can you know the emotions and thoughts of the people around you? I have a hard time knowing the thoughts and emotions of my closest friends. and even myself at times. the mind is so complex. I have thought about majoring in psychology. I just wish I had some clue as to what I want to do with my life. it's like I am here, in college, finally, and I have no idea what to do with it. I guess I will figure it out. I just get tired of waiting for that sudden thought to just pop into my head and me know that is what I want to do for the rest of my life. that's a long time. I want to do something I enjoy. somewhere where I will be happy. but I guess that is what everybody wants. but why do some people find that, and not others. what makes the lucky ones different. I guess if everyone did what the wanted then there would be nobody to do the dirty work. but it just seems unfair that some have it so could. and some can never find that place where they feel content. does that place really exist? I think so. I don't think I have quite found it though. I think I will though. maybe I'll be one of those lucky ones. I miss Jason. is this going to work? do I want it to? I do but there are so many things to experience here. will it change me? he thinks so. but I don't know. maybe it will. maybe it should. but where does that leave us? is there an us? I have no idea how to handle that situation. my parents are going crazy. they miss me so much. I miss them, but am relieved to not be in there household anymore. I needed some freedom. I need to learn to live on my own. I really don't want a job though. it will be hard to balance work and school and homework. but I need to money. I guess I have to eat and pay rent. I am really getting hungry. I am not really that tired considering I got up at 7 this morning. surprising. I haven't even taken a nap. I don't think I will. I rode the shuttle from my apartment this morning. I usually drive. but I can't afford to pay $7 everyday. it wasn't that bad. but I didn't really know where it was going to take me. but I made it to class on time. and didn't have to walk that far. I just hope I am able to catch it this afternoon. I think I know where it will pick me up. but I don't know what time it runs really. and how late it runs. but I should be done here around 5. cause I have a class from 3:30 till 5. I really need to go to the gym. I think I am going to talk some dance classes. that sounds like fun. and I bet it will help me meet more people. I need to talk to Jason. let him know I care and that I think about him a lot. I know he worries. I worry to. I need to quit stressing about everything so much. I worry myself to much. I guess that is human nature though. who knows what human nature really is. maybe that is just an excuse for the way we act. I know I use it as an excuse at times. that's kind of sad. but I guess everyone probably does. wow my times almost up. that didn't seem like 20 minutes. when you just start letting your thoughts go I guess time goes by pretty quickly. I think I might take a nap. but I have more homework that needs to be done. dang there is so much reading. I get tired \", \"It is late and I need to get so sleep but I trying to stay awake writing this assignment. I am so glad I finish the English paper. I can now relax for about two before he gives us another one. I hope I'll be able to wake up tomorrow to go to class at nine in the morning. I hate English the most. Writing paper gives me a headache. What the hell is Quyen listening to. I glad I got a lot done today. I can't wait till next weekend comes back around. Maybe next weekend I be able to relax and not have to work. Just ten more minutes and I will be done. This writing assignment is stupid but I am glad it is easy. It not so bad. My back hurts. I should take so Tylenol. Maybe it will help. Shit, I forgot I have a reading assignment in biology. After this, I am going to take a shower and climb straight to bed. Working and going to school is getting real tiring. I am hunger but I am also very sleepy. There probably nothing in the fringe to eat anyway. That reminds me I need to go to the store tomorrow. Maybe I'll get some real healthy food this time. My eyes are dry. I need to take out my contacts. I think has been twenty minutes now so I'll stop here. \", \"I think college is going to be the best part of my life. Coming from my high school, it seemed hopeless to find a place where I'd fit in. UT has such a wide diversity of people and so many ways to meet new people, that I think, I will have no problem finding someone like me. Of course, right now, I'm still a little shy about talking to people but hopefully that will change. I really want to join a soroity and become active in as many Hispanic and other multicultural events or projects as my schedule will allow. Maybe this will help me find the kind of people that can relate to me. Even though I only know a couple of people on campus, I feel more comfortable there than I ever did in high school. Outside of school, things are good at home. I have all the love and support than I can ever ask for from my family. Without them I don't know where I'd be. I love them very much. I don't know why I can't tell them that. I guess I'm just too stubborn. I also get a lot of support from my boyfriend. Even though I didn't really want a boyfriend, I'm glad he's there. He brings a lot of fun to my life. I hope school doesn't take away my time for him. I know its going to though, ecspecially if I join all the organizations that I want. Overall,I'm satisfied with everything. I know its going to be a long and hard four years, but I'm looking forward to walking the stage with an engineering major. \", \"Stream of consciousness, I can't even spell it right, in any case I'm sitting here its 10:50 in the morning and I do not feel like doing all this crap today. too many classes when I'd rather just sit here doing nothing whatever its stupid anyway I feel like sleeping or some nonsense. nose itched. anyway I wonder what I'm going to do tonight about all that homework good god its exhausting I should taken less hours or at least not calculus that class it kicking me in the butt, I don't know anything. tangents. velocity. who freaking cares I'm no physicist, but for some reason to be an economist I need to know how to calculate velocity of a ball and decide what dosage to give patients based on tangent and secant line. honestly I don't care I just want to get out there and keep going. chris is probably at school right now, I wonder what he is doing. oh he is in government, he better be bringing that C up to a B right now on that test. if he just tried he could be so much smarter but I distracted him and made him get the c to begin with, but its still his fault. damn nose. whatever. I just want him to do well on this one. I like it when he is smart but I don't always because I begin to feel inferior. in any case, I love him no matter how he is I just wish he had help himself more. he is working tonight, so we can do something this weekend, I paid like 50 bucks last weekend because he had no money, its not like I'm rich. I work for my money I took out loans. my dad has not had a job since he got out in 8 months. I'm not rich. he starts his job on october 1 so that is really good because my family will be a lot better off. its quite exciting for us since we've had such little money for a while now. I'm not going to get stuck up because of it either. I wish someone would send me some mail I check that stupid box everyday and I don't get anything why can't someone just send something to be nice beth got a box and I still have not gotten anything. just a fucking postcard or something would be nice. oh well. ill mail someone something first then they'll have to write back, or not. I like my penguin picture, he is waving but he looks sad. I'm sorry penguin. thirsty. yuck. that cherry coke is disgusting, it tastes like carbonated water. gross and I paid 85 cents for that shit. what is up with my face itching while I?m writing this stuff. ooo. I'd rather be playing my game right now, although I really should be working out ill never be ready for thr PFT like this. can't do all those pushups and I don't know how fast I run. ill run till I vomit I guess. nose ITCHES AGAIN. I love chris he is such a nice boyfriend. not like those other guys who didn't really treat me right. chris is not perfect but he has changed a lot since the beginning of our relationship and madison and all the shit that caused. in any case, we are happy now and madison can kiss my ass. he asked me to marry him in a sense that we aren't engaged but we will marry each other, we're moving in pretty soon together, I wish he had stop being such a mama's boy and tell her to get over it. I'll probably be the one that convinces her to pay for it and be happy about it. saves a lot of money and chris and I can be together. we fight and stuff but its never big stuff. my parents will be fine with it. my dad will take a while to get used to it but my mom will support me if I really want it. it saves like 300 a month by doing it this way. MY NOSE!. 15 minutes. u got to be kidding me this should be over by now. he should make it 15 minutes for next semester's class. actually 25. I want them to work more than I did. lalalalalalallalalalalalalalalalallllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. your my best friend. oooooooooo youre more than a lover there could never be another to make me feel the way you do. oooooooooo we just get closer fall in love all over. what a good song love that tim mcgraw his wife is cute too such a cute couple. jamie just got online. that girl does not know how to have fun whatever. choochoochoo. my brain feels pretty blank. I'm all thoughted out, I got class in 52 minutes and I don't feel to good from that stuff. in 3 days I take AFOQT, and then go home and see my family and chris fun times, ill work too make some money for this week and buy that cute Aeropostale sweater. so cute 40% off too hope I don't miss that sale, I don't have a car to go buy it now or else I would, I can't wait to get my truck in like a month when my dad starts his job a blue f-150 so pretty \", \"This is the second paper I have written like this because somehow the other one disappeared right when I was trying to push the Finish button. It seems like my life is always going the wrong way or I have bad luck such as this for most of the time. I did just get through working out with my Tae-bo tape. After completing that I always feel 100% better about myself and problems. I guess you could say that is how I deal with all of my stress,even though my life is not all that bad. Whenever someone thinks their life is terrible I always think about those children that you see on television that are starving or sick. I don't know why but I whenever I see a homeless person on the street I immediately feel sorry for them but then I start to think about why they don't have a job or are not in a shelter. My mind goes back and fourth like that a lot. Austin has a lot of homeless and I am so not used to that atmosphere, that is partly why I don't like living here. And because my boyfriend wants me to come back closer to where he lives which is Dallas, where I live as well. I chose Austin and UT because a lot of people told me that I should not go here, including my boyfriend. That just made me want to come even more though, dispite the fact that I could tell at orientation that I was not going to like it. My boyfriend is very important to me though because I have dated him for 4 years and we have a really special relationship. I can tell just by looking at him exactly what he is thinking about. I have never really had that with anyone before and he always tells me that he loves me. I find this kind of annoying because in my family I don't think that my mom or dad have ever told me those three words. My grandmother has but I used to just say it not even thinking about what it really meant. I guess that is why whenever he tells me that repeatably it starts to get on my nerves. Hopefully I don't have love issues or something of that nature because don't get me wrong I truly know that my parents love me but they just never told me. I have had a good life so I really don't need to complain about small things. I am in a very difficult spot in my life, college is a lot harder than most people say. I mean I expected the classes to be difficult and challenging but not the living on your own part. I was always so ready to get away from my house and away from the town that I lived in. Now I am not so sure about this because I don't really like Austin. I believe that I would have been better at a smaller school but I never really thought about those issues when I was selecting a college. I was too busy talking to or seeing my boyfriend or worrying about stupid high school bull that goes on everyday. I should have not cared where my best friend went to school, even though she was supposed to come here with me and then suddenly changed her mind without telling me. I am not resentful or anything but I feel that it is partly her fault, no it's not it is all my fault. I am the one who chose my future and now I want to change those plans. I guess I should be greatful that my roommate is not some freak with earrings and tattoos all over her body. I always think that things can always get worse and if you're lucky they sometimes get better. At least I did not get stuck in the same room as my suite mates because they are kind of snobbish. For instance, if I see them outside of our dorm then I have to say hi and if I don't they pretend they don't know me. I don't understand why people are like that but who am I to make a judgement, for all I know they are really sincere and nice people. I talk about people way too much but if you do it for so long it just comes natural and you can't stop. My room is actually really comfortable right now, usually it is either way hot or real cold. \", \"O. K. Here I am in the computer lab in my dorm. I really do not know what to say because I have never had an assignment like this before. Anyway, college life is very different from my high school life. I do no t drink therefore being with a complete different crowd of people, I find myself being very uncomfortable. I suppose once I get settled and used to my new surroundings that everything will be fine. Don't get me wrong, I love UT. I could not wait to get here, it is just the whole different atmosphere. I have met a lot of interesting people so far and I am sure there are many left to find and meet. My classes are so much more time consuming than I ever expected. I joined a sorority this year and now I never seem to have any time to myself. Then there is the whole boyfriend situation. My boyfriend goes to A&M. Real convenient right. I miss him so much when I am here. He is the best person I have ever met in my entire life. His generosity, compassion, sensitivity, and love amaze me. I am so happy when I am with him. He is coming tomorrow to see me. Needless to say I am counting down the hours and minutes until he arrives. I have so much planned for us to do. I am fine being with out him. Long distance relationships are harder than you think they would be. We are making it work however. I have never trusted anyone as much I do him. I think it is the same with him. I am not nervous about him being in a different town or setting - I know he would never do anything to hurt. It is just the whole being apart thing. it has only been two weeks since we have seen each other. Sounds like a short time to everyone else but they just do not understand. that is another thing. I do not think many people understand me. My boyfriend, Jay does- very well- it is almost scary well he knows and understands me. it also provides comfort though. I cannot believe this whole paper has turned into a description of my life with my boyfriend. Anyway, he is coming tomorrow like I said and I cannot wait. Next weekend I am going home to Lufkin. Jay is going with me. I was on drill team and will be returning to the homecoming game. It will be a nice break from the hectic college world. I miss my bed. there is something about YOUR bed. the ones here are not the same. I miss my dog too. She is so sweet and loving. She used to sleep with me and now there is not a lump in the foot of my bed. Well I believe my time is up. this was fun. I have never sat down and written out my thoughts and feelings - I think it helps! \", \"Right now I am wondering how can I fit into college. I am wondering what is it that makes people think different than other people. Why is it that some people can do their homework right when they get it and other people procrastinate until the very last minute. Now my mind is totally blank. I am wondering why I cannot connect my thoughts to reach a conclusion. I am I going to be judged by how I write this. Does this accurately reflect my intelligence level. Again I am stopped by the nothingness that I am thinking. Its as if at one moment I am this intelligent individual and the next I am this ignorant fool that cannot manage to continuously write for twenty minutes. As I sit in my dorm writing this I am wondering whether or not I could be doing something else more fun. It is quite lonely in this room. For the most part I think what would solve a lot of my problems is a girlfriend. Someone to talk to that will fill this uncertainty of who I am. For the most part I have never been in love with a girl. What I want is exactly the opposite. I am ready for a relationship. Now instead of going on about this I am reflecting on what I just said. I am thinking is there something wrong with me because all the things seem so negative. But there are also very good things also. I think about how lucky I am to get such a great education from this university. I realize that not many people have this chance. I hope to really discover who I am in the next four years. I think that maybe the reason I have been writing all these negative things is because I am sick. I have a really bad cold and maybe it is effecting the way I think. Ok on to a different topic. I was just watching the road rules on MTV and they were talking about how your childhood effects you later in life. I think this is the perfect case with me. In my family we never really showed any emotions. Not once have I ever told my mom that I love her. Maybe that is the reason it is so hard for me to get into a good relationship. I feel that my relationship with my parents is exactly like my relationship with anybody else that I have been close to. I don't really open my self up to anybody. All my emotions are behind a wall of shyness. My mom always said that I was shy. Maybe she negatively reinforced why I am so shy. But enough about that. I was just thinking about an amazing experience that I had with my dad last week. I was in my parent's room playing guitar. My dad comes in and starts playing along with me. My dad and I don't really do many things together so this was one of the most emotional experiences in my life. I was happier than ever before. My dad took the time to show me some new tricks on the guitar as I played along with him. It was such an amazing experience. Well I think that I have run out of time. \", 'ok, so I guess I just type here. for twenty minutes. Hrm interesting you know I think this will get very boring really fast. (and my roommate asks \"so you just write? anything? crazy dude\") wow. I thought at least something would come but er. Never mind. I do not know really what to write about. great and only a minute and a half into it. er. hrm, maybe write about this computer, or the fact that I do not have one yet. that sucks. in college and I have to either go to a lab or use someone else\\'s computer while constantly I see others around on their own machines. I have a phone call! yay. my \\'mentor\\' telling me about an event in front of ECJ. weird trying to type and talk at the same time about two completely off different things. eh. phone\\'s off. coming on five minutes now. almost. So I was early. you know this can\\'t all be that interesting typing for a solid twenty minutes. most of these papers must be extremely boring. unless someone goes off and just starts telling a story or something. hrm, sounds like maybe something to do. well, it all began a long time ago. well, long in the sense that they were young when it began; that time period to others may just be what they consider a few years or so. (did you know that is you try to hit tab to indent it takes you out of the typing window. very annoying I must say) (I need a name. Er, Samsung monitor, ok the character\\'s name is Sam) Sam had been a small child when his father disappeared, therefore he had little memory of him. all he could think of was being told stories as he was falling asleep or going to the occasional trip to the park. nothing really stood out to tell him what his father was like. many others that had known his father would tell him that he was an odd person, constantly coming up with random ideas or running off to work on something new and exciting, except that no one ever knew exactly what he ran off to do. they also told him of when his father was younger; he would disappear for days on end, supposedly off camping or exploring by himself, and would return different. how different, they could not quite say, but something changed in him. , not always for the better. often he would come back slightly depressed or would remain to himself for weeks, but after time, he would return to his energetic self. (I notice I seem to misspell quite a bit and even though I try to catch and fix the word as I type it, some words do get through without my notice and I\\'d rather not go back and change them. Also I tend not to capitalize much when typing. this is probably due to the fact that I have grown to accustomed to writing in Word and it will capitalize certain things automatically; that and I am usually too lazy to remember to do so. ) After Sam\\'s father disappeared the last time, his mother fell into a strange illness. there was not a doctor who they could find who could explain the sickness. it was as if something from another world. Something definitely there but not ', \"Right now there is really not much going through my head. I woke up about an hour ago from a nice, long sleep and my mind is clear. I guess I have some worries about school, like am I studying enough and really am I going to make it, but I guess that all depends on my actions. I am also real worried about the social things getting involved with my school work. There is just always something going on, and sometimes it is hard to choose to study over all of the fun things, but so far I feel that I have done a pretty good job, but then again it has only been two weeks. I am enjoying where I am living, and as of now my roommate and suite mate situation seems OK. It is weird to think that after knowing for so long that I wanted to attend UT, to actually be here going to school and not just visiting. It really hasn't hit me yet, but it probably will soon. It also feels weird to have to pick up the phone to have to talk to my parents and not have them be in the next room or just down the hall. And for it to also cost money to have to talk to the people that I am used to talking to on a daily basis. I also have some scared feelings going through me, fears that most people have. For example, you hear all the stories of these awful things that have happened on college campuses and in college dorms, which sometimes makes it hard to go anywhere alone. You are always having this fear inside you that something might happen to you if you take one step into the wrong direction. That is really scary for me, probably because of things that have happened in the past. When I was in 4th grade my family was robbed at gun point in our house and the threatened to hurt or even kill. One of my sisters and I slept through it, but my parents, my other sister, and my house keeper all had guns held to their heads. No one was hurt, but it was still really scary. then 3 years ago the sister who was asleep with me was out to eat with a friends family and they were followed home and were also robbed at gun point, and had pillowcases put over their heads, but could still feel the gun against their head. In this situation, no one was hurt either. But I am the only one who has never had a gun to me or was threatened, and I fear that I might be the next, and that really scares me. Well, my 20 minutes is almost up, and it went by a lot quicker then I imagined that it would, and I really enjoyed figuring out what to right about. It was really interesting. \", \" I am feeling a little hungry right now. What should I do? Go to Jester, go out to eat, make something here in the dorm. Maybe I should just go to the Union. Lets see, I will change clothes and go shower or something. I'll get my comb and toothbrush and go to the restroom. What do I wear to go out tonight? I think I will wear my white Polo shirt and my black shorts. No I'll wear my khaki shorts and my white tennis shoes. I can't stay out to long since I have so much homework to do. The entire English rough draft to do, my pre-calculus, and all my psychology reading to do. Man, I feel sleepy, guess I should have gone to bed early last night instead of watching Letterman and Leno. Maybe I'll just come back and sleep after my biology class tomorrow. I wonder what is on T. V. right now. It's mostly just the news. Good! Entertainment Tonight is on now. Hope it's a good show. Let me start washing up and changing my clothes for supper. I don't think it will rain again so I guess I don't need my umbrella tonight. I wonder how much I will have to do tomorrow. I still need to go draw my tickets for the Longhorn game on Saturday. I hope the seats are better than last time. \", \" how am i going to do with all my classes and am i going to make it through the next couple of years in college i just want to do well with college and achieve i do not want to mess up ar my classes going to be really tough and how can i manage my time to study for all of them right now i am not doing well and i haven't started off very good but i know i need to do better and set time to study for each class i just want to succeed and do well i just got an essay back from my last class and didnt do too well. will i be able to do better and understand what i'm doing in Philosophy? i am feeling kind of sad but i know i want to do well and at the same time i am happy to be here because i enjoy this school and it is very interesting i feel sad because i miss my friends back home im going back home but should i really go because i need to study here and should stay here to catch up on reading but i can also catch up on my reading at home although i probably won't because my friends are back home staring around just thinking of what is the right thing to do i need to make time for things and get organized i feel really lost right now since i don't have anything organized just sitting here thinking about going back home and school not really listening to anything but the people talking out in the hall it's not noisy but just hear a couple of girls out in the hall having a conversation it's very quiet in my friend's room and i'm not listening to anything just sitting in this silent room and looking around at pictures just kind of upset about the essay i just got back and thinking that i could have done a lot better if i understood the question better but now that i know what to expect on the grading i know what i need to do for my next assignment my friend just walked in and talked to me which made me lose focus of what i was doing but now i am just here alone since she went into the hall to talk to other girls where i can still hear them having a conversation and laughing looking around at pictures that my friend has on her desk and seeing that she has pictures of family and friends everywhere i miss my family and my friend back home that i want to leave right now to go back home because i just want to go and hang out and do the things that i would do with my friend every weekend i miss spending time with him and just always getting to hang out i should start studying though right now because i need to do well in my classes they seem to be very interesting but a lot of reading and i really enjoy them just here staring away at things not really knowing what to type anymore just looking around at pictures and out the hall still hearing the voices out in the hall talking and thinking that maybe in a while i'll go out there and talk to my friend and her friends just to see what's up or maybe i'll just stay in here and read or talk to a friend online not too sure what to do yet now it's kind of quiet since theres no one in the room with me and the television and radio aren't on except there are the girls talking in the hall still they are just going on and on and i can hear them but not really paying attention to their conversation just hearing the voices because the door to the room is open it's kind of good to be alone right now because no one is bothering me and it's not noisy it's just nice to be alone right now i have to go pack right now since i'm going home and i don't have much time left to pack because i'm leaving in a while so i have to go rush and do that \", \" My sandwich tastes really good! The pickle in it is a little too zesty, though. I don't think I'll buy those from HEB anymore. I wish I had more time to watch TV. I really miss Big Brother 3, but I really can't find enough hours in the day. It makes me sad :( I have a latin quiz on Friday, I don't know how well I'm going to do. I have flashcards for the vocabulary words, and they seem to be helping, so I think I'm going to go back and make flashcards for all of the paradigms. That's the hard part! The paradigms aren't very different than spanish, but they are. I get them confused sometimes. I'm upset that I went to College Station this weekend and missed church. I really wanted to go this Sunday, but instead I went to Mass with my friend at College Station. I had fun in CS, and I definitely didn't want to stay here with my roommate, but I would have rather been back for the service. Oh well, I can go on Sunday. I start my job tomorrow!! I'm kind of nervous about that. I've never had a job before. What if I really screw up?? And what if I'm not able to get from my job to my classes on time? On Tuesday and Thursday, I'll have no problem, but what about Friday? I work from 9-1, and I have a class at one. on the other side of the campus. I wish I would have just told her that I'd like to go into work an hour earlier on Thursday and then I could get out of work an hour earlier on Friday morning. That would have been perfect. But oh, well. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. . I took the pretest for the psych experiments and it seemed like it took forever!! I didn't think I'd ever finish it. I've only been typing for 6 minutes!! 14 more to go, lol. Does anyone actually read these things? Like, is it ok if I stop typing for a couple of seconds to take a bit of my sandwich? I think I'm going to, hold on. . YUMMY!! It's good, but those darn pickles. . Oh well. what exactly are we supposed to talk about. What we see? Or feel? or smell? or whatever. Well, I'll tell you what I see. . WAIT! No, I'll describe my side of the room for you: on my closet door I have a movie poster of Ben Stiller's movie Zoolander . It has a great big, lime green Z on it and has Zoolander written at tht bottom in purple letters. It also has Ben Stiller sitting kind of funny (I'm not sure how to explain it) in front of the Z. At the top it says 3% Body fat, 1% brain activity. I've never seen Zoolander, have you? I just liked the poster because I thought it was funny. Beside it, I have a movie poster of Orange County. It has Colin Hanks on it with oranges for eyes, and Jack Black has an orange in his mouth. Jack Black is gross. . all he did the whole movie was run around in his underwear. 10 minutes up! Halfway done. Ok, back to my posters. The next poster I have is of Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's, my favorite movie ever. She's wearing the black dress that she wears at the beginning when she's looking at Tiffany's in the morning. Remember that dress? She also has one of those looooong cigarette things, I'm not sure what it's called. *sigh* every girl should watch Breakfast at Tiffany's. It's the best. Another poster I have is of Rat Race. Everyone on the poster has big heads and little bodies. On the poster there's: I think his name is Breckin Meyer, he was on Clueless, too. There's also Amy Smart, Seth Green, Whoopie Goldber, some guy who's name I don't know and can't relate another movie to him, Cuba Gooding, Jr. , Jon Lovitz, and the guy who keeps falling asleep throughout the movie. He's my favorite. I'm win-ning! It's so funny! Ok, I also have an Ocean's Eleven poster. It's read with white writing on it. In the front are the hotties George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and Matt Damon, and in the back kind of faded out are the rest of their little helpers from the movie. Beneath the title of the poster (Ocean's Eleven, hehe) It says They're having so much fun it's illegal. I think this is my favorite poster in my whole room. I also have a Spy Game poster on it. The only person on it is Robert Redford, and it says It's not how you play the game. it's how the game plays you. Very cool. What else? Oh! I also have a little picture, that is once again from Breakfast at Tiffany's. It has both Audrey Hepburn and George Peppard looking in the window at Tiffany's. She's wearing the same dress that she's wearing in my big poster and George is wearing a coat and pants, with a skinny tie. He has his hands in his pocket and is laughing abut something silly that Holly Golightly has said. At least, that is what I assume. I have been typing for 16 minutes and 50 seconds so that leaves me about 3 minutes left. Hmmm. . what else can be said. I have to save some describing for later, I don't want to give it all away in this first time. What will I talk about next time? Are there ever going to be subjects for you to talk about, or will it always be like a mad journal thing? I understand this mad journal thing, though, because what if you gave me a subject that I didn't really have much to say about. What would I say then?? So, I guess this is good, just mad journaling. . I'll think about what to say more next time, so I'll be a little more prepared and won't bore you out of your mind. 18 min. 48 seconds. . 1minute and some odd seconds left. 19 min!! woo-hoo. ok one more minute. What about this war GWB wants to have with Iraq?? Is he nuts! That'll be 2 wars (or at least fights) that we've had while he was president. How sad. 20 seconds left. what to say, what to say. . 10 seconds. Well, I'll start my good=byes now. Goodbye!! \", \"Its like you're nothing but your social security number. I don't mind not getting the attention like I'm use to but I do miss the comfort zone. Highschool was just so easy. College is just time consuming, especially pledging my frat. I don't understand why people complain about hazing, I haven't been hurt in any way. The one thing that does kill me is the lack of sleep though. Four hours a night is not going to cut it. And there is no chance to take a nap because I have so much homework. Atleast I'm learning about priorities. I know school must come first and so far I haven't missed a class yet. I want to do good so my father will be proud. I always said I was going to take care of my family when I graduate and now its gametime. I just hope there's no overtime because this first minute of the first quarter is already kicking my butt. Everytime I just take a little step, I remember that I've got something else I still need to do. College sucks, but the girls are gorgeous. So I guess I can bear a little stress to meet these girls. I just picked up the phone and it was another salesman. I need to invent a caller-id that says somethimg better than out of area every time somebody calls. I hate these stupid people trying to sell me the national statesman. I keep getting interrupted during this thing and its driving me crazy. It seems like eveytime you sit down to do something somebody always disturbs you. But when you have nithing to do, everybody stays away. I'm telling you, this psycology class has to be a joke because its impossilbe to understand the human mindset. I can't more than 5 seconds thinking about understanding why I do something without getting frustrated. I just hope everything falls into place. I think UT should only let freshman take 9 hours their begining semester because college life is so hard to adapt to. \", \" well Im starting this assignment and its hard to write what Im thinking because all I seem to be thinking about is what Im thinking and that is what I have to write also im sorta worried about the poor grammer and lack of sentences which is about to follow this its hard to type a contiuning stream with sentences so o well this is graded on completion so i guess im not getting points taken off for lack of coherency. . i really have no clue what the point of this is because since im writing it all i can think about is what I have said above which is writing this. Im about to drink some of my mountain dew next to me if that counts for anything? im trying to cram all of this junk for my classes in today because I havent gone this week for some reason. I really should have but i dident feel like it, i probly should be more responsible. but o well my pre cal homework is bothering me since i can't figure out if Im doing it right so im probly just going to give up im rather bored right now but tommorow at least I get to judge at the westlake debate tourny and thats always good fro 150 dollers or so sometimes my mind goes blank and it seems like Im having to force myself to contiually type, is that cheating? I really have nothing to write now Im not really thinking of anything i wonder what my girlfriend is doing right now my roomate is playing ncaa 2003 college football right now and its quite loud and sorta distracting me from this but I havent stopped typing yet but I guess it doesnt matter i wonder how long i can make this thing go with just type a non coherent rant about nothing this seems rather pointless to me but o well I don't need a 0 I've got enough of those in pre cal im thinking about dropping hmm what I just notice im typing this like Im typing this to some one, like Im complaining to someone about stuff there I go again another instance where my mind went blank and i had nothing to think about err I just thought about indians now for no real reason i have this banner that makes me money at the bottom of my browser thats not tracking my actions right now because it considers me inactive my buddy list keeps chiming with people coming online i wonder how much time i have left i just thought about the girl i met first day in psych class who told me when she did a stream of concenus it turned out about peeps and some band I can't remeber right now on a beach im about half way done now in time at least this is rather boring to I should probly do my anthro considering i have a quiz tommorrow and I havent even opened the book I don't even know what the cover looks like yet. Im a slaker i need to really get more self motivated to do my work but it all seems pointless to me that i have to be in some restrained system of pointlessness and have to take a bunch of classes that arnt going to to serve me any real purpose i want to be a debate teacher i would like to just focus on that and not have to take classes that don't have anything to do with it what does pre cal do for anyone anyhow nothing my mind keeps popping up with a lot of different random things but im not allowing myself to just start typeing random words Im finding it difficult to do this assignment since I can't just let myself go and type whats going on through my mind but rather i have several streams of thought going and im just choosing the more organized one i guess i could try to just start typng random words like sock monkey and donation tree but i had already thought of that before I typed them so i don't see how I can allow my self this is boring i just just give up coherency and type random things aoll qb get to confortable im worrying about typos im more or less tell you what im doing rather then what im thinking i just i keep deleting things and re wrting them because i hit the wrong letters I guess thats not good either since im obviously can't be contiually typing if im stopping to coreect typos im stopping now who cares if it can't be read its nothing to raead anyhow im just typing random rnams otnwoanm now I m going to rtong not to hit the backspace now but I don't think I can its a habit like locking the door i did it again a lot just now in that senstence i can't seem to stop myself i ve decied to not look at the screen when Im typing now so I can't backspace anymore but I don't know that it matter but hey its something to do I still have roughly 8 mins left I beklieve I don't know hmmm this is boring the keys the keys kthek eyes ching mouthani ntdw tddrinkn see that was horrible Im lookng at the scree n again I want top backspace some more and I probly will I wonder how mloogn aifniabhgoabhglbajklglfyfyilflgfvygflglgugglgklglkglkglkg i have about 5 mins left this is starting to annoy me i've probly done it wrong if thats possible but o well this is as well as I could do it hmmm I don't want to do anything but check out cross-x but I need to study which I probly won't end up doing I;ll probly take my antrho quiz but I probly won't turn in my math homework o well i gues s Im going to fail eck i have never failed so i probly won't but I really need to get with it work out snl hairy somethingawful. com is cool see I don't know how to do this my mind starts thinking random words and I don't know if im supposed to type them or waht it just doesnt mcdonalds shower in other apt across hall this is just incohrent like most odf this rant and annoying so im going to stop I think times almost up Im going to check about 2 mins left most of this piece seems like im struggling with myself because im indecisive about my own stream of consensaih cons err I can't spell but what ever the title my roomate just told me I left my cloths in the dryer I don't think I did so Im going to go check when this timer is done I need it to hurry up because he needs to do his laundry blah b lah blah moo this timer about 30 more seconds then I can finalyl be done and be roughly caught up with psych bah the days came by so fast hmm I think the timer is over now or at least like 5 seconds away 2 -1 do no I won't contiune my time is up. \", \"I don't know if I should go home or not this weekend. I want to stay, but. I hope my computer doesn't freeze while I'm writing this, that would totally suck I'm glad I'm getting this out of the way, normally I would wait till the last possible second, but I don't trust computers since I've been here. I really want to like it here but I just don't. All my friends that went to oter schools are having a great time, they're meeting new people doing new things, but evryone I meet bores me, it seems as though everyone is the same. I don't even feel like going out and having fun. The only reason I want to is so mabe I'd come to like UT better. I see so many people I know, its kinda weird, when theres about fifty thousand people here. I'm a business major but the only class that is relavant to busins is my freshman BA class which meets only once a week. I'm afraid I'm not goingto find the parties here that much fun. From what I've heard its just people getting drunk and thats not that much fun. I worry that all the expectations I've had about college are misconceptions. I love this keyboard. I like typing, but I can't use regular desktops, because I can't sit still. I sund like a dumbass when I repeat myself. Alex told me the funniest joke but I can't remember it although when he told me I tried to memorize it. I hate it here when I think about hte people at home. I have no one here. I'm so bored. My classes are boring for the mostpart, and I'm finally getting the hang of schedules and shit. I want to call my cousin, who is my role model and ask if she liked her first month in colllege. She always putwss me in a good mood. Justin says there ids nothing wrong with my comp but why the hell does it keep freezing? I think twenty minutes are almost up nope I still have bout ten to go. My tth classes are so long. I start gettig restless- that music next door is so loud and I am so tired I want to take a nap. I had to wake upa a t \", \"I am hungry. I haven't eaten since last night. I have a chemistry test on Thursday and I do not understand some of the stuff. I hope nobody comes to my home on Wednesday night. Usually people are always at my home and I don't get any studies done. They stay until 2 or 3 at night and then it is too late to study. Why don't I study in my room? Probably because I don't want to study when people are outside partying. Why don't you go to the library? I don't want to go to the library. After 5, I don't want to have anything to do with school. I don't want to think it even exists. Library reminds of school. On Wednesday, I get off at 5. Good I have until 9 to study until people come over. 4 hours is more than enough to study for a stupid test that is probably easy as hell. I am just worrying over nothing. I actually like it when people come over; it is not boring then. Just do your studies early and then party later. I had heard there were fine women in this university but I was fooled. I haven't seen any girl that is eye popping fine. All the girls on campus have the same old stuff. Legs and other stuff that I do not want to mention here. I am sick of the same old stuff, why can't there be a girl that has a pretty face with all that other stuff. Like a perfect package. Well whatever it is damn hot outside. I have to go to my classes in this heat and then study my brains out. Then go to work and then return home again in this damn heat and still not see a fine girl. Then take the bus home and then study again. Then I hang out with my friends. Which makes doing all this worth it. And I would just like to comment that the damn west campus bus takes at least a half an hour to get to the bus station and sometimes it is full and you have to wait another half hour for another bus. They need to freaking spend a little money to buy more busses, cheap skates. I have do go through all this crap and then I can't even get a decent ride home. \", 'I begin by wondering exactly what purpose this assignment serves. I also wonder what will pass as the year goes on. Caffeine. I suddenly have a craving for caffeine. I would get up and grab a Dr. Pepper, but that would interrupt my writing process. What would it be like to be known as Dr. Steve? Do I really intend to go through with getting my doctorate? And if so, what happens afterwards? It boggles the mind to think of the ways in which I may change over the next several years. Wow, I certainly am typing fast. On my old computer, there would have been a delay between the time I pushed the keys and when they appeared on the screen. I very much like this new flatscreen, it certainly goes well with my new system. Every computer I build has some odd quirk to it that no other system demonstrates. It may be my fondness for ATI video cards, or it could be my personality reflecting in the way that I put these things together. All in all, the system works well, but there are times when I just want to drop-kick it out the window. That, however would involve opening the blinds, which would expose me to the eye-squinting sunlight. I have always rather disliked the direct sunlight, partly because it is directly associated with heat. I can stand heat when it causes immediate, measurable pain, such as the burning of a hot pan handle. However, the discomfort of extended exposure to the hot, sticky, mind-numbing Texas sun can drive me insane! There is a point after which I do not care, but sometimes it seems as if that point never comes. Time is certainly a subjective concept to the human brain. The saying Time flies when you\\'re having fun\" is absolutely true in this respect. If only it were the other way around: uncomfortable situations seem shorter, and the pleasant experiences extended. Alas, that is merely wishful thinking. My roommate\\'s girlfriend just called three times within a 15-minute period. Ah, there he is. \"The ol\\' ball and chain just called\", says I. What an interesting concept this telephone is. From pretty much anywhere in the world, you can have instant contact with anyone else that has a similar device. Of course, there is a slight delay due to the limits of the speed of light, but as long as you are on Earth, this is a relatively slight matter. Last week, I spent time with my family looking at Mars in my dad\\'s telescope. Mars will not be closer for next to 250 years, and it hasn\\'t been this close in nearly 60,000 years. From what I have read and heard, though, it has been within a few hundred miles of this distance in the last several years. Calling last week an especially special occasion is barely the truth. The difference is like standing in Manhattan, walking 10 steps towards New Jersey, and saying that it looks closer. One-hundred odd miles in over thirty-four million? Absurd! Looking at the timer, it appears to be about time to wrap it up. Wow, I just had to correct my spelling on the fly about ten times. I guess that it\\'s not as easy to type correctly when there is another person in the room. ', \"A steam of cousiness paper is kind of a weird thing to do, but in a way simple. At the moment all I can do is think about this paper and the impression I am going to make by putting down what I have to say. Will I sound smart, dumb, or am I completely doing the wrong thing. Oh well I guess there is not to much I can do about it now. I almost waited until the last minute to do this and I was afraid that the system might be backed up or something, just like the prescreening survey. Wow!!! I waited until the last minute to do that and I was sitting at me computer for just about 4 hours. I guess that proves I procrastinate pretty often. Sometimes when events like this happen I try to fix the problem and I do good for awhile. For example I won't but things aside and and do things sooner than later, but after about a week, I am back to my old habits. Today I actually got stuff accomplished, but then ageing I didn't because, here I am a couple of hours before this assignment is due, trying to complete it. I am hoping that my internet connection won't crash or some other phenomenon, such as bad weather, won't affect me turning in this assignment. Thing of bad weather made me thing of all the unfortunate events that have happened due to the hurricanes in the Florida area. Bad weather, such as tornados, hurricanes, floods, is something that really frightens me. I think it is really a big fear of mine. When I hear that a tornado might be in the area, automatically, I thing the worst and am afraid for my life. I guess I just wouldn't want to go that way. Although its not a popular way to die, like cancer or drunk driving, its just scary to thing about. But after all the destruction in Florida there haven't been to many deaths reported, a lot more than there should have been. This is a very serious topic and never thought it would take me to this. I just hope the situation clears up soon and the areas recover as soon as possible. Recovery can sometime be the hardest thing to cope with and get through and that goes with any kind of recovery. Such as when you get in a wreck and have to recover from that or even recovery from a long night of partying and drinking. That requires a different type of recovery. my fr \", \"I have a feeling this is going to be a long 20 minutes. I don't even know where to start, and I don't think I really care. oh well. USC plays Florida St. tonight. I hope USC crushes them. I wish I was in California right now. Sunny skies and 70 degrees. My roommate is an idiot. I don't think he thinks before he speaks. He is the clumsiest person I have ever met. what else should I say? I still feel sick from last night. Too much Beast!! I've got to get replenished for tonight. Lots of good football and beer. Hopefully some bitches will be here. I smell food in the kitchen. I'm hungry as fuck. All I’ve eaten this morning is Fruity Pebbles. I love Fruity Pebbles. I need more milk from the store. The Cowboys play tomorrow night at 7:00. Dallas is the greatest city in the world. Nobody does it better!! I can't wait to get home in a month or so. I need to go to the bathroom, but I guess I can hold it in for another 10 minutes. This is a waste of time. I wonder what you people can find out from this stuff. Random thoughts are weird. My eyes hurt. I need to go to the bathroom. It sounds like Tennessee is beating UCLA. I hate UCLA. USC is the shit!! I need to call my old roommate from USC. I need to eat. This is boring. I wonder how much time I have left. It looks like 10 minutes more. My roommate is obnoxious. He never stops talking and usually says nothing of importance. I think he has some serious problems. Maybe not. The girl next door is hot. I hope she comes over tonight to watch the UT game. She's got a great body. I'm still hungry. I need to get a job. My funds are running a little low. I waste too much money. I hope I win the lottery tonight. I hate this assignment. I guess it's pretty easy though. I better get an A in this class. I hate BA101. It is a pointless class. I need to do my assignment in there. I miss my homies in Dallas. I love kickin' it with them. You can't beat good friends and good beer. I wonder why I like to drink. It makes me feel good at the time, but I feel like shit every morning. I don't even remember when I started to drink in high school. Malt liquor is nasty, but when you're on a budget it hits the spot. Magnum. When I turn 21 I'm going to go nutty. Las Vegas here I come. only 3 more months. I better not fuck up when I turn 21. I need to keep getting good grades. Only 2 more years of this crap. I can't say that I've learned anything significant in college. All it's taught me is that you have to have one to get a job, but from there it is all on your shoulders. I like my summer job. Real world experience is better than book learning. I'm pretty sure they will hire me on after I graduate. I love computers. I guess that's why I'm an MIS major. They have so much power it is unbelievable. I need to eat. When I'm done maybe I’ll order a pizza. My roommate is so loud. I'm gonna yell at his lazy ass. All he does while I'm at school is sleep and watch TV. Rough life. I need to take out the trash. I need to get some beer for tonight. Maybe something ritzy. I need to get a job. I wish all assignments were this easy. Too many classes and not enough time. I need to find a girlfriend. The girl next door has potential. It's Party Time by Tracey Lee is on the radio. It's the jam. I love rap music. The beats are great and that's why I love it. He is the clumsiest person in the world. If my window is broken I will kick his ass. What a fool. It's Party time, whoa yeah it's party time, we havin a party. Time's up. \", 'It\\'s hard to believe that my first year of college has begun. It\\'s almost like I am at summer camp for a week, and I will be returning home in a week. However, that is just a false reality in my head. It\\'s hard for me to grasp everything. It seemed to happen so fast. I left behind my family, my friends, my cheerleading squad, my town. Everything that is familiar has been traded in for a world of experience and confusion. What time is my next class? Where IS my next class? Where is everyone going tonight? It\\'s mass confusion in my head. I want to be successful at college: academically, spiritually, emotionally and physically. I have already begun a steady workout and eating habits that make me feel good about my self, and so far I have enjoyed all of my classes. However, there\\'s still that little thought in the back of my head that I am not getting everything done. I feel like there\\'s this list of things to do ALL THE TIME and no matter what I do, I will never get them done. I have to admit, my first week of college was completely awful. I hated every moment of it. I cried everyday, called my mom, acted like a real baby. It was as if there was this strike against me that made sure NOTHING went my way. But as I have gotten used to the schedule and made a few new friends things seem to be looking up. I still feel like I don\\'t fit in. This miniature \"society\" at the University of Texas is like a town within itself, and all of the citizens in this \"town\" seem so superficial. I don\\'t feel like I have met anyone with one natural thought in his or her head. I can\\'t believe how strange it is. It\\'s as if the whole campus is full of sorority girls and fraternity guys. (No offense, it\\'s just not me) I want to feel like a part of things but for the life of me I can\\'t get in \"the loop. \" I make a few friends here and there, but as far as personalities, I feel like I am too real for everyone I have met. I am hoping that by next semester I will begin to make this dorm room my home and the people around me my family. It\\'s not so much that I am homesick as it that I just miss fitting in. Back in High School there were no worries. Everything was laid out for you; only a few minor decisions to be made. I fit in so well. I knew my way around, I knew what was going on at all times; it was like a utopia in my little town of Sugar Land, TX. The only problem with the whole \"high school thing\" is that I was definitely a stereotype. (Another superficial moment in my life) I was a cheerleader all through High School. People at my school assumed I was a snobby, selfish girl who only thought the world of myself as well as my other cheerleader friends. They never even got the chance to know me. I can say right off- I am far from snobby. I love everyone and everything in this world. I am out to harm no one, except my self emotionally every once in a while! Why do teenagers feel the need to be so judgmental of each other? Why is it that I can\\'t drive my Mustang Convertible in my cheerleading uniform without feeling like I am straight out of a \"Saved By The Bell\" episode? I am thinking that over time, an image has been created in everyone\\'s mind on how things should be, and how people should look. Who is to say who and what we are? Why do I feel like I am always answering to someone? I can\\'t make a decision without someone LOVING IT and someone else HATING IT. I hate the fact that the media has pounded into our brains what and who we should be. This is real life people. When you are doled out your genes-physical and personality-you don\\'t get a choice. Some people honestly can\\'t help the way they are. So why do we take the time to stop and make them feel even worse about their insecurities? I think the answer is within our OWN insecurities. It\\'s sick that people feel better about themselves after putting someone else down. If a girl thinks she has ugly hair, she may announce that \"that girl over there\" has a horrible sense of fashion. Does that take away from the fact that she has ugly hair? I don\\'t think so! So why has it become so necessary to step on whomever it takes to make you look better? My mind is full of these questions. I just know that as long as I am here, I plan to stay the real, down to earth girl that I am, as to not become a victim of my own insecurities. ', \"It is now eleven o'clock and I'm getting hungry for lunch. I don't know why I'm hungry, I just ate a couple of hours ago. I really wish I didn't get hungry so often. Sometimes I think I'm not really hungry, but I just like eating. I'm not overweight, but I really haven’t felt good about my body for a couple of months now because I've been away and too busy to go to the gym as often as I used to. I'm worried that when I go back home to California in a couple of months for Thanksgiving people are going to think I've gained weight. When I go back I want to look good, even better than when I left. I can't wait to go home, well actually, I can. I know when I get home I'm going to wish that I was still back here. My dorm room is already starting to feel like home to me. I was really upset that Joe didn't call last night. It's been over two weeks since I talked to him last and he had promised to call the next day. I don't even have his phone number so there's no way I can reach him. I swear, that boy drives me mad! Oh, well, I'm not going to think about him any more. I'm really glad to finally be doing this assignment. I've been meaning to but my computer isn't set up so it's been impossible to do. I am so frustrated with this whole Ethernet thing. I've been to the store so many times and they never have the part I need. Finally I thought about using the computer lab here in Kinsolving. It's really nice as a matter of fact. It feels good to be on a computer again. I miss mine from home even though I wasn't on it very much. I wonder if anyone will ever really read this paper. I think I would laugh at half the stuff I've written. I don't know why I'm telling you these things, you don't even know, or care, who Joe is or that I have a computer. This place just got really full, it's weird how people seem to come in clumps. Have you ever noticed that at places there will be no line and then all the sudden there's a huge long line? That's weird, I think. I miss my dog. He died this summer while I was away in Germany. I just wish I'd given him more attention when I was home. I knew he would die some day, but I just never thought it would be so soon. I miss the meyers. That’s the family I was with in Germany. They were so nice to me, I felt like part of the family. Not many people get to do all the cool stuff I've been blessed enough to experience. I love to travel, but it's always so nice to be home. I was never bored this summer. That's a first for me. I'm almost always bored. I didn't get any letters today. That's the first time I haven't gotten any since I've been here. It kind of sucks. Sorry for swearing, I don't usually swear. I still have ten minuets to write. I'm running out of things to say. You must be so bored by now. Someone is playing music in the lobby. It's really annoying me. I can't wait to go to sleep tonight. Why am I always so tired. I don't even care if I go out anymore. I'm so jealous of my roommate. She is always doing cool stuff with her sorority and I haven't done much yet. She's really cute. I love her curly hair. We tried to make mine curly but it was more of a wave. It looked good, but I didn't know what other people would think about it. I just realized people could e-mail me down here That's good because people have been bugging me for my address. I can't wait until my computer is running. I'm so excited for the football game on Saturday, I just hope it's not too hot. I hope we beat UCLA because a lot of my friends are going there and I know that they'll think of me when they see UT and I want them to be jealous that the Longhorns won. That's bad that I want them to be jealous. It's not really what I want, I just want them to think of me. It would be really neat if I could get on TV then they could see me here and know that I'm okay and having fun. I really am having fun, but it sounds so fake when I tell people that, like I'm just pretending or something. ljliujiojkl \", \" o. k try not to think. just let all your thoughts come together. this is not as easy as i thought it was going to be. the guy next door is still playing that crappie music. i wish i could go one day without hearing that, but i think it's ok my roommate just walked in and started to talk to me so i lost my train of thought. alright he left. i'm glad mary, his girlfriend, is going home. i hope they don't walk back in here and see what i just wrote but is suck last night hearing them makeout when i was trying to sleep. but she's cool. my hands are getting tried of typing. i don't know if i can make it the whole 20 min. now he's playing a new song but he turned it off. thank god. we need to clean up, this place is nasty. i don't know if i going to be able to get eric to clean. the bathroom is nasty. im run out of things to say and write. eric has some gay sunglass. i hope he doesnt wear them around me. i hope i just didnt offend my teacher or who ever reads this by saying gay. i hope my teacher doesnt think now i think he's gay, not that there's anything wrong with that. thats like that episode of Sinfied. i don't think i spelled that right. i don't have time to change it. just 2 more minutes. i didnt write that much. i hope i still get i good grade, im just i slow typer. time is almost up i need something to do after this. ill call dan well maybe not i don't want him to think i have no other friends \", 'At the moment, the only thing that is going through my mind is how I will make it through college if I remain a procrastinator. Thus, I am completing this assignment because I feel that I need to make changes in my study habits. Moreover, I need to succeed at UT because I cannot afford to let my parents down. My parents have worked exceptionally hard to obtain their current status; it would be a total waste of their time and my time and of course, a total waste of money if I fail in college. Thus, failing is not possible. Occasionally, I ponder whether or not my parents see me as a failure. At times, I feel, as though, I am a failure because I am constantly being compared to my older brother. Everything that I do is not good enough and that I should be more like my brother; I guess one could say that I am always in my brother\\'s shadow. Moreover, it is not only my parents that make the comparisons, but my aunts and uncles also make similar comparisons to other family children. Because they do this, I constantly feel depressed for short periods of time. In order to cope with this, I am apt to finding companionship and understanding through several short love relationships. Each of these \"flings\" can be sought as a substitute for happiness. However, I am now more knowledgeable about stuff like that because I know that these relationships are fun and all, but this relationships only make things worse. Not to mention that they only help you obtain temporary happiness. There is one thing good that has come of these experiences; I believe that I have found happiness with another. She makes me happy in all aspects of life and she actually seems to care about me for who I am and not someone else. When I am around her, she encourages me spiritually whether or not she does it intentionally. Surprisingly enough, she actually understands me without having me to explain anything; I guess you can say she\\'s my soul mate, but there is one thing I am sure of, I love her with all my heart. In fact, she has been the only girl I have actually told that I love her and actually meant it. Just thinking about it at the moment makes me smile. ', \"Ok, I am starting writing for 20 min. My thought, are what I am writing about. Right now I am still thinking about visiting my friends at Baylor this weekend, not sure If I want to do that. I have stuff to do, got to get a new id, and eat, and some other stuff, mainly thinking about what I have to do. Most of my friends are going home for the weekend is why I am thinking about visiting Baylor. I have to be back at 5 Sunday to try out for ransom notes, so that is a factor, Also Stephanie wanted me to visit EV free Sunday morning with her, so if I do that I will want to leave Saturday afternoon, so I am not sure, I still need to read chapters in psy, chapters 3,4 in CS, chapter 2 in psy, I need to do that today, maybe after I go run, I think I will go to Baylor tonight and come back tomorrow afternoon. And get stuff done, I need to work on that song, that reminds me I need to go get those Birkenstocks as well, anyway I want to see Blake and Lauren and the game but I don't know if I will have much time, maybe I can leave in the morning tomorrow, and skip the game, come home and do some stuff, that will give me time to go and get the shorts and sandals I have been meaning to get, then I can still go out on sat night, maybe with Jacqueline or Susan, most everyone went back to see Dave, I wish I was seeing Dave, but they sold out the first weekend they were on sale and I was not in town to get them. Oh well, I can get more stuff done now,. need to sunin my hair and go running,. remember to get exenphrime, exandrine or whatever ant GNC on Tuesday, I may go run then work out a while today I want to figure out what I am doing tonight first though. Blake said something about a dance tonight, but he is dateless. So I am not sure, hmmm, what to do what to do, I need to work out defiantly this weekend. Hmmm, I wish I could see everyone, but all my friends go to diff colleges, Ashley keeps asking me to come visit her, which I should do but I am lazy, hah, I have no time for anything anymore, I squeeze in homework and studying, I need to do something about that, I would like to see Ashley though, I kind of miss her, it is a lot harder than I thought it would be to meet girls here, they are either intimidating or not worth the trouble, I guess I have just had bad luck but every single good looking girl I have started conversations with has a boyfriend, but none of them have really been good looking enough to make it worth my time to try and become better friends with them if they are in a relationship, Anne was pretty cool, but now things are weird between us, I need to get will and ryan to take me to some fiji parties, those will probably be better. I guess I will skip workout today and just go up at about 2:30 hmm, writing this didn't seem like the chore I thought would be. I just have weekend plans on my mind so I can't think of much else. Psy is fun, I need to be a little less tired Monday so I can enjoy it, I will work on that. Over and out. \", \" My thoughts are so mixed up, I don't really know where to start. I have been really upset with myself lately because for the life of me, I cannot seem to focus on school at all. Not only can I not study, but just sitting in class, I find myself constantly tuning the proffessor out and thinking of irrelevant things. I hate this about myself, how i cannot stay focused on things that matter and how I dwell on insignificant things that I should not think about during this time, mainly my relationships with guys. I always fall for the ones that will hurt me, and indeed they do, and even right now I am interested in someone who I know will treat me bad and will not be a good person to me but that is why i think i chase after him. It's like I am trying to get hurt by these guys. I don't ever like a guy that likes me back, i only like the ones that i know i won't have a chance with or that are rude and immature. This part of my life takes up so much of my time and it shouldnt. i should focus on things that are important. i should try to work harder in school. but i dont. and this is why i am so upset with myself. i want to be a better student so bad but i cant. i hate it. i get so easily distracted and theres nothing i can do about it, i never used to be like this its just recently this has happened. no matter what, i don't try to work. im just lazy and always tired, never wanting to do anything that involves much activity. but this is probably one of the only things i really get mad at myself about, besides the whole thing with guys. even my friends tell me to stay away from them, but i just cant. SEE, there i go again, off track and thinking of stuff i shouldnt be. i guess i expected college to be different. i expected everyone to be so mature and not act like they did in high school, but honestly, nothing has changed. you still get screwed over by the same people and get in fights. yeah, its nice to have independence, but i had it at home to an extent, too. i feel like now when i go home everything is different since i don't live there anymore, like i don't fit in there and like everything everyone does bothers me because i am no longer used to it. i want to be happier with myself, i really think i am a great person who has so much to offer to the world, but i block that out often and just concentrate on the negativities in my life. why? i don't know! i always have done that, i always some how find drama to dwell on for no reason! it sucks! so im going to concentrate on some of the better things going on. friends--my friends are awesome, i love them to death, it was really hard for me to part with them but ill stay close to them, i know i will, i have to. family- i have the best family ever. they care for me so much its crazy. the love i have for them could never be measured in any way. im sitting in my dorm room which is supposed to have 4 people since it is a suite but i am alone. here its like you have to fend for yourself and no one is really there for you always like it was at home. once again, as i sit here, inside i am yelling at myself because i am thinking of all the work that i need to be doing for school. why do i punish myself like this? why don't i just DO the work and then feel good? i wish i knew how. i need motivation, something that tells me to go for it because in the end it will be all worth it when i am an optometrist and i can help people with their ailments. that day seems like it is going to be soooooo far away, 8 years!! aaah!! i feel like im running short on things to say, my head is all jumbled up with thoughts of calculus, chemistry, and boys. if i could just get that last subject to leave me alone how much easier this would be!! i worry about everything, about how the heck im going to get all my work done and do well in my classes, about my family, about my friends, about everything. its hard for me to trust people once they have broken my trust, and i worry about trusting people here because so many of them are so fake. i never know whats going on with them and how genuine they really are. but then theres God, my light, my soul, my heart. God gets me through it, God loves me, and I love God. Thank You. I'm sure this sounds like a jumble of the most random stuff, but this is how i think inside. its all mixed up and thats how i feel so often, all mixed up. \", \"I am so excited that I get to see my family this weekend. I never thought I would feel so home sick at college. I love my mother so much she has been through hell and back and still remains such a wonderful Christian mother. If I am half the mother she is to me when I have children I know I will be doing a great job. I am also really nervous about this presentation I have to do on Monday for my Media Studies class. Not only do I not know what to write about but I don't know how to prepare for it. Of course I got there late for my discussion group so I got the bottom of the barrell when signing up for a presentation topic and the only one left was for Monday. But that is so my luck. It makes me think that if I am nervous about giving this in front of my discussion group of maybe twenty people how am I going to make it in the communications field which is what I am majoring in at this point. I really want to work for MTV. I know many people must think of this as a childish fantasy, but it is really something I am serious about and want to persue. I just love everything about music. The artists there story, the songs story, and how they make people fell. I can't wait till I am done typing this because then I get to go play Crainum with my roomate and a couple of our friends from back home. I am such a competitive person which to me is a good thing because it makes me have more determination then most people. I am watching Will and Grace and they are talking about having a baby. Gosh I can't wait till that day. I think I must have orange cones around me though and a flashing message that tells guys don't talk to her! I swear they avoid me at all costs. What the heck is wrong with me. I think I might be a little intimidating because I don't play the role of a dumb girl who needs a guy to take care of her. Which I think I got that from my mother. She is a single mom, my father died when I was ten, who is a teacher and had to raise three children all by herself. She didn't need help from anyone and she never threw in the towel when times got hard. For that I respect and love her very much. God has blessed me with the best family I could have ever imaged. Not only my imidate family but everyone from my grandparents to aunts and uncles to cousins. All of them have played such an important part of my life and have thought me so much that I just want to go and hug all of them and say thanks for loving me it has given such strength. My grandparents are so great because they can always make me feel like a million bucks even when I am at my lowest. I think it is important to surround yourself with a close knit family. I don't know what I would do without mine. I am so glad I have my roomate and friends from back home here at UT. I probably won't have latest this long without them and there company. They all have such interesting stories that I had never know about them before. Most of my school went to Texas a and m which is exactly like my hometown. We all just needed something different and a place with a good sports team \", ' Wow this is actually a cool writing assignment. I would have never expected to be asked to sit here at my computer and just write what I am thinking for a 20 minute period. I have just gotten back from a meeting about the Texas Lonestars organization and LOVED it! The only problem is that I am just a freshman still getting use to the whole college life and time management thing. I am kind of stressed out (but not nearly as bad as I know I can get sometimes) just because I am pre med and I know that I really need to concentrate on my grades and school work while also getting involved. Getting involved, however has never been a problem for me. I love to be involved in everything. Now that is a problem because if I spread myself too thin I am not going to be able to put forth my best in each venue. I know for sure that I want to do something involving dance because it has been such an intricate part of my life for so long and is truly one of my passions. I am going to try out for the Roustabouts and the Steel Dance Company. I am beginning to get nervous just because I haven\\'t really gotten the chance to practice anywhere here since I\\'ve been away from home. I hope that I am able to keep my grades really good while also having fun and enjoying my college experience. I know that I am here to get an education, but it\\'s obvious to everyone that college doesn\\'t just teach you knowlege in your courses that are suppose to be preparation for your career, but it\\'s also a learning experience for life lessons. I feel that just in the week and a half that I have been here I have already become more responsible and determined. It has been kind of hard switching from not only my hometown to a new, huge city, but also from summer and relaxation and the feeling of \"yey school is over\" to \"wow, my life is just beginning, along with lots of studying that I don\\'t really want to do. \" My life has just been kind of awkward lately anyway. I know that things are suppose to change when you go off to college in so many ways especially through your habits and relationships and mine definitely has. The fact that my family has been going through changes of its own has made me feel somewhat distant and like I don\\'t belong. Yet, the funny thing is that I don\\'t really care or maybe it\\'s that I don\\'t know how to make the effort to fit in again. My first time to go home will be to a different home than the one that I\\'ve lived in for the past four years (even though I lived there when I was younger) and I feel like it will just be weird to see how my family\\'s lives have just king of carried on without me. I won\\'t really understand my mom\\'s relationship with the guy she is dating or how my brother is experiencing or enjoying high school. My dad is perhaps the only one that I will probably still feel just about the same with because I am use to not seeing him all the time. My time is almost up and as of right now I am just really hoping that, even though I may not be showing my priority to God right now, he will really just step into my life and help me control it in the right direction. ', \"TOday was an easy day for me since I only had two classes to attend. IN math, I really had a hard time staying awake. I didn’t know if it was because I knew the lesson already or was it that the teacher was boring the heck out of me. Either way, I was very tired and at times, I just dozed off. In my EDP class, I had to find information on financial aide. I also had to start a checking account at the credit union. By chance in the corner of my eyes, I could a brochure on financial loans for students. So I picked it up and will bring it to class for my presentation. Right now I'm stuck in my room and typing my psychology assignment which is due on Friday. It's an easy assignment because it will be graded on whatever you completed or not. I probably will need this grade to bolster up my average since psychology isn't really an easy class. Tomorrow will be a more challenging day with 3 classes to attend. English at 8 in the morning is a killer time for me. I had no choice but to take that time slot because all the times were filled up. I tries to call TEX many times, but had no luck. Now I have to get used to waking up early every Tuesday and Thursday at about 7:30 in the morning. It's a pain in the butt, but the good thing is that I can come back and sleep some more since my next class is at 3:30 which is psychology. I really need to take a nap before my psy class because last week on Wednesday, I didn't take one and when I attended the class, I had a hard time staying awake. I'm glad that I'm in college now because I feel more independent than at home. My mom would always get on my nerves with all her questions and nagging and now she isn't able to do it anymore. But it gets to a point where I kind of miss the questioning and the nagging which I think is contributed to homesick. I can't wait until thanksgiving when I get to go back and see the family because I really miss my baby brother. I would always take his pillow and blanket just to tease him but my mom would end up shouting at me to give it back. I also miss playing basketball with my 1tenth grade brother. He is trying out for the basketball team at his high school and I hope he makes it. He still thinks he can beat me, but that won’t probably ever be true until I'm about 60 and he's 57. This weekend, I hope to attend the football game with my friends again. I went to the one last week and we blew away Rutgers by a lot. It was a great game because there were a lot of people in attendance and the place was packed. A packful of people screaming and cheering for the longhorn football team was one of the greatest moment I have ever saw because I have never attended a college football game before. It was quite hot and I was wearing jeans which was dumb of me. I definitely learn my lesson and will wear shorts to all the day games. I might even paint my face to show some school spirit. Maybe not. After I finish this assignment, I will have to start working on my English paper which is due next Thursday. I kind of have a idea of what to write about but it might take awhile before I fully understand the assignment. The good thing about it is that my teacher is very nice and she will be willing to help me if I need it. My EDP teacher also mentioned a writing center which I could go to if I have problems starting an idea or need my paper to be edited. I think that is cool because in high school, there wasn't a writing center that would help you with your paper. You had to go to the teacher for help and sometimes they make you do all the thinking even when you don't have a clue. I guess that's one of the luxuries for being in college because people want you to succeed and that's a great feeling to have. The one thing I keep on forgetting to do is to buy my psy book. I may have to run by co-op and see if they have it since BEVO's was out of them. Textbooks are very expensive in college, but it's probably worth it when it comes to things you don't understand or for the test. The good thing is that you can resale them back to the store. I think my time is up so that's all I'm going to write. I think I changed the subject like 6 different times but I think that's the purpose of this essay. So, that's all. \", \"I am sitting in my room watching the sandlot. Alessandra, my roommate is here too. She's getting ready to go home for the weekend. Shelley and Liz are both going home to. They offered me a ride, but I'm not going to go because I went home last weekend, and I don't want to go home two weekends in a row. Although I would really like to see Jordan, my boyfriend. He's at work right now and I'm waiting for him to call. The sandlot is on the part where Benny decides to jump the fence and get the baseball back from the neighbors yard. I've seen this movie a thousand times, the next thing to happen will be the dog chasing all the boys all around the town. This is probably one of my favorite baseball movies. My favorite of all time is definitely Field of Dreams. I always cry in the end where Kevin Costner's character plays catch with his dad. They didn't get along when he was younger and he never got to say that he was sorry for everything before he died. My dad and I have been getting along a lot more lately than we have been, I know that I would regret it if I just gave up on us getting along and said fuck it, so I'm glad we are at least trying to work things out. He apologized to Jordan this weekend for all the things he said to him this summer. Jordan came over and they had a talk on the back porch. I stayed inside and folded laundry because I felt awkward and tense about the whole thing. But apparently it went alright. I need to talk to my dad and tell him that I appreciate him doing that. I forgot to before. Actually, I just realized now that that's something I need to do. Probably should have said it earlier. I hope I didn't hurt his feelings. Oh well, like I said, I felt awkward about the whole thing in general. Which reminds me of a funny awkward moment I had today. I was at the Union with Shelley, and I went to the bathroom. Another girl was going in just as I was, and this made my shy bladder act up. She went into one stall, I went into the other, and I just couldn't go. Well, she wasn't going either, apparently, so we both just sat there for about a minute. I was trying hard to relax and finally I peed a little, but then it stopped. So the girl pees a little, and I pee a little more, but I still can't go all the way. I guess she gave up, because I heard the toilet flush and she left, so I was finally able to go. I went back to Shelley and told her the story. We were cracking up in the quietness of the Union 3rd floor. We started talking about Alex's engagement (again), which I feel guilty about because I am usually not the type to gossip, but it's hard to avoid talking about it. Before I saw Alex's ring (which is her grandmothers, Joe did not buy it), Shelley told me that it was 1. 7 carats, which is pretty impressive, but then I saw it, and looked at it closely, and it's not that great. Its color isn't that good, and it has a gigantic flaw in the side which I suppose Alex either hasn't seen or is just pretending that she can't see it. Jordan just called and I told him I need to call him back in eight minutes. Anyway, Alex is being really unrealistic about the whole engagement, wedding thing. She wants to get all these diamonds and a new setting for her ring, and she's looking at dresses that are 30,000 dollar, designer dresses, and the whole thing is just like a little girl planning some fantasy wedding. She doesn't seem to realize that the average middle class family can't afford something like that. But who knows, maybe her parents have more money than I think. Also, I don't know how seriously her parents have been taken her engagement. She's only been with Joe for about two months. I can hardly think about my future with Jordan now, and I definitely couldn't have thought about it after two months. The only thing I can say is that if we're still together when I graduate, I'll probably marry him. But I find myself thinking a lot that I want to be single, and I want to do all these things like travel and study aboard and maybe live in New York, and if someone is going to hold me back from those things, then I have to wonder if that's the person from me. I love him so much, but I also feel like I might be holding on to him because he's my first love and all that. He's such a great person though, I hope no matter what happens, that he will always be in my life. I just don't want to break his heart, or have my heart broken. I hope when it stops working, it just stops working for both of us and we can still be friends. Well, I have ten seconds left, so I think I'm going to call him now. \", ' I am thinking about how to write this paper. I can\\'t think of what to write. Jessica is putting papers in her notebook I am typing the ring around te logo is blue. the ring around the logo is blue. someone just entered I would rather be playing music. Andrew says goodnight 1 minute 58 seconds. I\\'m sort of hungry. I think writing this makes me more hungry. I have so much homework to do and other responsibilities. I wish I had no responsibility at this point in time. I\\'m worried about psychology because the content seems too easy to take a test on, suggesting I\\'m understanding the full realm of the content or the full realm of my responsibilities in this class although philosophy is worse. I cannot imagine being tested over anything in that class. Astronomy is just about the most difficult class I\\'ve ever taken because it\\'s pure physics and not really learning about the general properties of celestial bodies. I\\'ve got a block. I need to write more songs, I haven\\'t been able to write fully in over a year. but I could never be nearly as good as the Pixies so it seems frivolous to even try. water I\\'m beginning to drift off. I really need to do my homework more often I have way too much. I need a cellphone. I think I\\'m the only person in Austin with no cell phone. everyone assumes I have a cell phone. I can\\'t even get long distance jessica just stuck her finger in my mouth. she didn\\'t think I\\'d write that. or that. I\\'m almost halfway through. I\\'m sleepy. my girlfriend is sexy. Andrew offered to be her tutor. I\\'m running out of things to write about. the Pixies are the best band ever. bar none. they incorporate obscure time signatures and lyrics into the most influential sound ever, the only quesionable exception being the Velvet Underground. they were copied by many bands yet don\\'t get credit for it. listen to Weezer\\'s \"The Sweater Song\" and the Pixies \"I Bleed\". Weezer was even on their tribute CD. No coincidence. listen to any Nirvana song compared to any Pixies song. Nirvana usually gets the credit for creating the modern alternative genre, but it was the Pixies. the liars are pretty awesome too. same with fugazi. and the desaparecidos, even though bright eyes is conor oberst\\'s creative offspring. but the best up-and-coming band is the unicorns. they\\'re neat. 16 43. it\\'s already nearly 12 o\\'clock. I don\\'t want to go back to my room because my roommate is boring and I\\'ll miss Jessica. and he\\'ll want to go sleep when I come in, like he was waiting up for me. this is hurting my wrists. Party on the Plaza was a little dull. I realize that I can\\'t truly ever write what I\\'m thinking because that requires me to give a physical aspect to something that isn\\'t physical and the true meaning of what is being said is restricted to restraining par ', \" The library is so boring. I can't stand more than two hours of library a day. Daily discussion sections can be really useless in the long run for easy classes, one would be better off studying. It is hard to write a stream of consciousness when typing and especially being in a library with other people around you. There are too many distractions and I believe this particular writing assignment to be more effective on my behalf in a different environment. Time is tricky in that it seems to move by faster than expected when it is divided into units, I divide my day into units of time rather than just saying that I have to be in class for an hour, i consider this one unit of time and everything just works out as planned. I wonder if people have a preference on which computer to use when they enter a computer lab, I mean location of the computer, I have a preference for the computers in the back corner or at least at the end of the row. I have am uncomfortable with people sitting behind me or even next to me when there is a chance I may be watched. I am not really following the rules of stream of consciousness because i am using punctuation marks and there is no real stream with punctuation marks. It is hard not to, may be there is something psychologically wrong with a person who uses punctuation in a stream of consciousness one thing is for certain is that the person may be a little occupied by trivial matters. a beautiful girl just walked in so she is on my mind so since she is on my mind i will write about her, she is wearing a black dress, knee high and a tan beld with tan shoes, i wonder why she dressed like that to go to the library and use a computer, awesome she is now sitting at the computer next to me if i wasnt in a stream on consciousness may be i would talk to her, probably not i am not good with those type of situations anyway, i guess i shouldnt write about her when she may glance over and see my writing about her enough of that, where was i in my original thoughts before this incident occured, i believe i was talking about time and how controlling it can be when dealt with in the wrong way our whole society is so structured on this intangible object its amazing when you dwell and also can get confusing. i think i may just move to spain where time is not that big of a deal, at least thats what my high school sociology teacher told me, she was an attractive lady who had just got out of college and she really liked me, not in a sexual way, she had a wonderful family, and her child was very beautiful, i hope one day i may have the chance to have such a nice child. anyway, our relationship was good, she even invited me to the movies and many dinners at her house, it was awkward, but i soon became kind of close with that family, she knew my mother was living in austin and wanted to just kind of have the experience of a teenage son i guess i recall those two years and i feel extremely happy and encouraged by that woman and she helped me deal with not having a mother \", \"I really don't want to do this but I have to I was thinking about this assignment and how we have to write about what we thaink about for 20 minutes and I couldn't believe when people say that they are alwaays thinking somethimes I don't think that any thing goes through my head at all When it is really late at night I think that my brain has had all that it can take for the day and it just stops thinking because people ask me what are you thinking and I tell them nothing but they don't believe me and I really don't think that any thing was going on I was totally blank maybe I am totaly so tired that I don't realze that I was thinking something because I mean you have to be thinking something all the time I mean your brain is amazing well I don't know what else to say but my landury is dring right now and I doupt that it will dry all the waaay because the drier on my floor is not very good I totally was unpreparesd for this year being my second year I reamember last year I brought everything and this year I forgot every thing and I was having to borrow landry detergent from a freshmen to do my landury wow huh that is wierd you thaink that I would be more prepared but I not worried about it iit is fine that way I get to meet more people and I will bea able to buy some laundry detergent later and one daay when they are out they can borrow some form me Well my room isn't totally done and I want to clean it but I have to much other stuff to do I wish that Anna was really happy right now she is going trough a hard time and I want her to forget all this silly stuff and just trust that she will be alright I know that God will take care of her My boyfriend John is super cute I think He is so great My friend just came in and we are going to study the bible with me and Anna she is a sophomore her name Elanin I have a carpet it is great and she is asking what this nonsense is all about sna I am telling he r that it is for psycology she has a friend that went to Mexico and lived there I was born is in Mexico City but I am white skined I mean so I wonder if any one is going to really read this because that woudl be a lot of reading may be they make the TAs read it because they have to do it she barely saw Star Wars two weeks ago she is deprived ppooor hchild and I have seen them aall san I can't spell very good you see wow when will this end my friend Anna is here yeah that is great she likes the way my room looks I am explaining wat I am doing as well wow so the last time I did a lot of typing was in highshool for computer claass it was fun but I was never really fast so I barely made an A in the class and I am all about makeing good grades what else ama I thingkin hummmmm I donl't nknow I have action figures of luke sky waarker and I only have to typw for two moarwe minittwoi and my hands are tiyred can't you see I know you can so how are you doning computer I s it ahard being a computeer?????? everyobody always tellsyou what to do My name is spell coool because mey middle madmakl I am done \", \" i'm thinking about how if i do this all the way through, i'll be late in meeting my girlfriend because i still have to shower and change. my clothes are in the dryer, getting wrinkle free because i'm too lazy to iron them. i'm thinking about last night and how leah and ia have been having some weird moments lately, but i think that i can attribute them mostly to stress. yesterday in dr. boetcher's office, she mentioned dana and him being the one that leah was dating. cat's out of the bag. i know, of course, and i've known for a while, but still to hear someone else say it. i wonder why she never told me right out that dana was her ex? its not like i'm stupid and i wouldn't put it together. alicia is IMing me. . i haven't talke to her in a while. i wonder how her friend fran is. she was cute. alicia says that she's well and that NT hasn't changed. i don't miss it. or denton, really, which makes me wonder why i'm going back there this weekend to visit. i guess i just miss the people, but somehow i suspect that it will be weird to see them. to be so removed from them for months, it will all feel alien to me. i can't imagine myself there anymore. and teaching today. . ugh. i'm not really looking forward to it. i'm afraid that i won't remember my shit, that i won't be able to help these kids, which is what i'm getting paid to do. its kind of silly to worry though, after being surrounded by math and science for the past two years, i hope that i'll remember something. and i'm hungry. it weird seeing tamsters around school. its almost like they shouldn't be here. like when you see random people in a dream that creep you out because they don't seem like they should be allowed to invade your mind. i'm not used to all this reading in school. i wish i had a snickers. i'm used to math homework and bs like that, not actually having to read and digest stuff like that. i like it, just not used to it. i need to shower. i'm worried that i won't be able to finish this. \", 'Trying to decide what to eat for dinner is complicated, especially when people don\\'t answer the question. When you ask someone \"What do you want to eat?\" most likely they will say, \"I don\\'t know what do you want?\" Well, if I did know what I wanted to eat, I wouldn\\'t have asked you. It is a simple question with a simple answer. Right now I just asked my boyfriend what he wanted for dinner and his response was, \"I don\\'t know whatever you want\". Well, that\\'s why I asked you, I don\\'t know what I want to eat, that\\'s why I asked you. I guess that I wanted him to make the decision for me. I honestly don\\'t know what I want to eat. It\\'s a simple question and it\\'s up to my stomach and brain to make that decision, but I\\'m asking someone to make this important decision for me. Does this mean that I\\'m lazy because I want someone else to make a decision that I can only make for myself. Maybe I\\'m not lazy; maybe it\\'s just I want someone to help me make that decision. That seems logical, a person can\\'t be lazy simply because he or she doesn\\'t want to make a decision for themselves. ', \"Man these computer labs on campus are so sad, everybody seems dead. I guess its probably because its sunday. I feel tired too wish I could go to sleep. I guess I would if I didn't have all this work to do. can't believe its already 2 weeks into school. it still feels like summer. well I guess before I know it its going to be finals. man I need to call nathan and get that HW of him. wow that girl is pretty hot. she probably is not that hot but I guess being in the engineering school you got to accept what you can get. man I wish I didn't do engineering. can't believe its been 4 years. I really hate it but I guess it will get me a job. I guess that is why I did engineering. I wish I had done architecture. I can't draw but still its seems so much more fun. I used to suck at drawing in high school. I guess its a talent. man I wish those two girls would shut up they have been liking whispering for 20 minutes. I hate people who whisper I rather them just talk loud, even though its lab. its very irritating. thank god she left. man I can't believe dallas lost that game. they played so damn carp. so much for paying bill parcells 17million bucks. they are never going to win if they don't get a new QB. carter sucks, its been like 3yrs they should realize he can't play. well screw it. I so want to be done with school, I can't believe these freshman classes. they all look like a bunch of kids, they seem so damn enthusiastic and happy to be in school. it will be funny to see them in 4 years and see what they think then. that girl in government class, I have never seen somebody so happy to be taking a class. I wonder if I was like this when is was freshman. I guess I was excited to be in college. always wanting to party and stuff. but I don't know if I was as crazy as sara's sister. she is well on her way to the freshman 15. crazy girl. but I don't think I partied as much, maybe I did. I feel old. I really need to get out of austin. getting tired of this town. \", \"Damn. Rum and Coca-Cola sure does taste good. Pretty fucking good, in fact. Hitting return after every line of text that I type really sucks. I see danger danger danger on the corner sent by me shadows the ways straight away you ran from me heard you calling yes I heard you calling heard you calling yes I heard you calling NO rules. Why do all the good groups have to stop recording before I get a chance to see them? Why does everything piss me off? When I smile, people see the devil. The devil's cool and all, but he's still the devil. In my dreams I saw you there it was kind of neat because after all I recognized you but it was still a dream about me about you about we never had a chance to get to know each other really well you were always this and I was always that and we were never it became a big problem when you took the easy way out of my mind but as I was saying it was a dream and you were there and so was I and I knew it was a dream but how could it have been a dream when it was so real life experience I started to fly, I started to defy gravity pulls us all back down to earth mother earth you angel you rock you bitch you have made everything so wonderfully evil because of you I am here and without you I would surely perish and it is all your fault and scar and torment you place deep inside of my soul wish is to be free yet I am not for I stand here wondering waiting for the time when I can be liberated, walk freely as you intended but I saw you there you were. And you were dressed differently too. Not wearing earth clothing. Of course neither was I. Red, red, red. honor, courage. blood. Blood from me, blood from you, blood from US, from we, who I saw there we were wondering, waiting for something grand to happen upon us while we stood there. The clouds flew overhead like a fast motion video as the world passed us by. holding onto my trusty staff I heard the world around me scream, shout, laugh, cry. crumble and crumble did I lost my eyes that day I found something different and the world has not been the same since I found them everything has been a little wild a little different a little crazy how things like this end up working out when we see each other, and when we went out back into the world from our little sanctuary from the world we were stuck in, hurt in side my brain is where this shit all resides and I have a feeling it's stuck here because I'm still here and you're not \", 'This is beyond weird! I never thought that college could be so exciting and scary at the same time. It is so weird how my thoughts have progressed through these two weeks of college. I never thought that things would be this independent. I am finally away from my mother and father who always told me what to do since I was a tiny little ballerina princess. No more telling me what to do or when to get back. And yet the weirdest thing about all this is the fact that I feel no urge to go out and party on sixth street. I guess all that time my parents were telling me what to do and when, was all taken into consideration when I moved up here. In changing the subject, I just came down with a throat infection and it is the worst ever. I told my parents that I had to get my tonsils taken out a long time ago but they never listened to me. It is not fair. I had the worst night\\'s sleep last night and to top it all off, I have to catch up on all my class readings which means no catching up on sleep. I am such an observer when it comes to just walking down the street or on my way to classes. It is so funny how people I know act in a bizarre way around others compared to how they act in front of me. The other day I caught myself looking at a little boy no older than seven years old, and he caught my eye because he was on top of his dad\\'s shoulders doing the \"hook \\'em horns\" sign with his tiny little fingers. It was the cutest thing because it reminded me of when I used to get on top of my father\\'s shoulders and do the exact same thing. In a blink of an eye though, it all seems but a distant memory. It is so weird how I always dreamed of going off away from my Rio Grande Valley life and coming to live my life far away from all the kind of people I could not stand. Do not get me wrong, I loved my family and \"real\" friends, but there was just something about that town and how everything ran on the game of politics. It was all about what kind of car you drove, where your family came from, how they were connected to some of the richest people in town, and so on. It all meant nothing to me in the end because the way I saw it was soon I was getting out of there with some place to go where people did not care about things like that. I accomplished everything I wanted in high school. The highlights were getting head drum major two years in a row and winning homecoming queen and getting to conduct in my white gown in front of my band, my family, and in front of everyone in Weslaco! It was an awesome day. The best days were when we would attempt to study for an extremely hard economics test by going over to someone\\'s house and actually doing no studying at all. Those were the best because even though we saw each other in class, it was just on a \\'hi\\' and \\'bye\\' basis. When we got together, we would get each other caught up on the latest gossip and laugh about the stupidest things all the way into the night. Somehow, we all managed to pass the test the next day and we all felt better knowing that we had connected the previous night. Talking about people in our school was the main thing because our school was made up of all kinds of want tobe\\'s, gangsters, stupid people who actually fooled everyone into thinking they were smart, and so on. Unless you were in band or on a varsity team, the people you hung out with were not at all your friends. It was the best feeling knowing that so many friends were there at band practice everyday and tennis as well. I would have to say the only thing really excellent about my old school were the faculty. My band directors were my closest friends and still are to this day as well as my tennis coaches. They always went above and beyond the call of duty to try and help with whatever I needed. Now that I am gone, I guess it is time for them to help raise another bunch of good students and friends. I feel really good leaving that small town, not knowing what to expect out here in Austin. My morals and ideas my parents, friends, and teachers taught me through the years will always remain a part of me no matter where I go! ', \". It's amazing how much my mood differs by my surroundings or situations. Currently I'm ecstatic because I just found out that my soccer team may be going to Clemson College and that is where my best friend, Kristen McKinney is going to school. I miss her SO much! When I think of her I never have any bitterness or resentment in my heart, but rather gratitude that God brought her into my life. With my constantly shifting moods and feelings, she was always a pillar of strength and stability, the most loyal friend I have ever had. I had so much trust in her, that many times I found myself dependent on her when I needed a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. I remember a time when I was at my other best friends house and we had a discouraging talk about how I felt her boyfriend was consuming her life. Immediately after I left I drove two blocks to Kristen's house and there she was ready to listen and pray with me. People say that the deep friendships are formed in college, but I know that the friendship Kristen and I have can't get much more intimate than ours. Through out high school we ran cross country and had classes together, therefore we knew every event happening in each other's lives. That's why it's so hard not having her here with me to share the experience of college with. Although I miss her dearly, self pity will not consume me because I am confident that God has prosperous plans for me at UT and Kristen at Clemson. Also this will each me to become completely dependent on Christ and His promises and not on fleeting things of this world. I really hope that I will not become hardened by the sin that is in me and surrounds me daily. Already I find myself not making time to be in the Word, which is the armor I need to remain strong against the enemy. I can relate with Paul who can't understand why he does the very things he despises. But glory be to God who makes me free of guilt through Jesus. Why He chose me, I have no idea. My mind can only take so much of seriousness, then it wanders back to funny Chris Farly lines or petty worries of the day. Already I am thinking of other assignments I need to complete after this and of how I need to get in touch with certain people. Yet we are suppose to live our lives a prayer to God, and I have such trouble letting Christ shine out of me when I am running errands, or standing in lines, or in class. Lord, please make me a bondservant to serve You daily on this campus or where ever I am and who ever I run into. \", \"Right now I just sat down to type this psychology paper. This is the first time I have ever typed a paper like this before, with constant writing. I am used to gathering my thoughts, thinking before I speak but now I am writing whatever pops into my mind. I am thinking about how much this different from something I would do in high school; being able to submit a paper via the internet that is amazing. I am hearing the faint sound of the Houston Astros baseball game in the background, I love baseball so much, this the pennant races are incredible. Hopefully I will get to broadcast the game I love in the future. Well I have an hour until its time to go to work, its nice that the clock is ticking down on my first major writing assignment of college. Astros, I think still losing 3-2 someone just flied out. I'm enjoying the fact that I am able to do this from my own computer, god I would hate to live in a dorm. Sharing and small places are no fun for me. Looking forward to this weekend, big barbecue put on by my friend Mike; we always have legendary times at those. Its just starting to sink in now as I hear God Bless America in the background that today is September 11. It's hard to believe that our country was attacked only two years ago, it seems at least to me that it happened an eternity ago. I really don't agree with what is going on in our country right now, by the way. The wind is blowing pretty good outside right now, for some reason I have not opened the blinds in the house yet. I get really lazy when I am at home. Anyway, this a little easier than I thought it would be. It has really gotten me thinking. I mean how often do we really pay attention to what we are thinking, and are we thinking about something all the time? Consciously? Well I think we got our lead off man on in the 8th we are still down 3-2, I really hope we don't lose to Milwaukee. Man I don't want to go to work today, although 4-9:30 is not that bad, better than 12-9:30. I feel like I am writing in a journal more than doing a project, that is cool that there is actually a clock at the top of the page. Big props to the person who set that up. I was actually considering putting a stopwatch next to me for this assignment, but I quickly realized that was not necessary. I just found out I have discussion section class for geography. I don't get that if you understand the material why do you need a discussion section? I don't get what that is all about, is it for the TA's to feel important or something? Must be a college thing, I guess. It seems like a lot of this stuff is over my head right now. I just quickly glanced at the clock and saw that I have about a minute left. I hope I did alright on this, I mean I wrote what came into my head and luckily avoided any sick and twisted thoughts. P. S (I submitted the paper erroneously earlier today under the wrong class code. My class code is 316 not 315) \", \" I feel really stressed about school right now. I hate my rhetoric class, because she makes us turn in homework everytime we meet which is three days a week. So I am behind in my reading for a lot of other classes that I am taking. It makes me so frustrated that she doesn't seem to care that I am taking 15 hours of credit and I don't have time to read a 150 page novel in two days. I'm drinking this drink called Capri Sun. Its ok but it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I'm really thirsty though and I don't really want to drink water. Our water tastes gross too. I don't know what is in it, but everytime we put it in our refridgerator, it gets a bad taste to it. Everytime my roommate talks about the water tasting bad, I think of the movie Signs, and that cute little girl who said her water tastes old. Atleast if aliens come to earth, we'll have water to through on them. My monitor is on the fritz. It keeps turning neon shades of red. . more like purplish pink. Or something of that nature. It really makes my eyes hurt when it does that. I just hit it and it goes back to normal for a few moments. I can't figure out why its doing that except for the fact that it is old. I talked to my old friend Kyle last night. He called me a cutie. Why I don't know. I didn't really know how to react to a comment like that especially from him, because we had a history a long time ago, and things were never really the same. I really liked him too. It kind of unnerved me when he said those things. I just kept saying how can you say something like that to me . He is really good with mind games, so he kind of played around with my mind for a moment there. He makes me so mad, but at the same time, I like to hear that kind of stuff from him. It does make me feel pretty. I don't really know what this thing is supposed to help me do. . the whole writing in a stream of conciousness way seems hard to do. I just write what I think, but at the same time I feel like I am thinking what I want to write, just so I can write it, as confusing as that sounds. I miss my friends. They are too far away to see. Some of the people who came to UT with me live on the other side of campus and they don't ever call. I felt like everyone already had friends when we got here and their old high school friends didn't matter any more. It really hurt my feelings to realize that. I honestly believed them when they said that they wanted to hang out with me when I got to school. My other friends live far away. they all have new friends too. I feel left out or behind, because I don't have a new good group of friends. I really hope that my mom is doing ok. She always says that she is, and probably just because she doesn't want me to worry. But I do. I don't like being far away from her, because I can't keep up with how she is. Not that she is unhealthy all too much, but sometimes she will hurt her back, or she, like everyother human, gets sick. I pretty much think of her as a superhero. Invinsible to the harm of the world. I want my mom to always be here with me. Now I am older and I know that my mom isn't anything other than a normal human, and it makes me worry. Anything can happen anyday to me, my mom, anyone I know. Its pretty frightening, but in the same sense you have to no think about stuff like that and just live life as it comes and live life for today. I try to do that. Maybe that is why I don't do my homework. I could die tomorrow and what would I have to show for it? An all nighter of reading. I hate reading. It is one of the worst things you could make me do. That and writing papers and having my peers grade me. I always feel like I am going to miss something if I am stuck reading. My mom and my sister are avid readers, but I do not share the same feelings for it. Plus if ever I don't understand a word, or the reading gets boring, I stop paying attention and therefore do not understand a single word I just read. I hate it. I have to read books multiple times to understand them and then I might never get it. I honestly wish that reading and writing were obsolete. Impossible and shallow I know. I mean, where would we be without that stuff? No where, I am assuming. Allthough I know better than to assume! I am not really a person who enjoys school. I love to listen to my teachers tell interesting stories, screen movies and make visuals in class. All of this taking notes and reading bores me. I wish school was like my elementary year and like my LEAP classes where cut and paste was the prefeered way of learning. Those were the days. It really stinks to be all grown up. And to think that a few years ago, that's all I wanted to be. \", \" Hello. Good morning! I actually woke up early this morning, which really surprised me because we had a crazy night last night. Okay, I am listening to the most awesome song right now. I'm wondering if I should listen to it again. Like start it over when it's over. Or, on second thought, should I just start it over right now? Ah, who cares? Anyway I'm wondering when I should go to the cafeteria to get brunch. I had the most strange experience this morning when I got up. I walked to the kitchen to get a water from the frige and there was my suite mate with a guy asleep on the bed in the living room. Yes, we actually have a bed in the living room. I had a really sucky room mate and we weren't exactly getting along so she moved out and we used her bed as another couch. I am going to be so tired when these 20 minutes are over. Haha, my fingers are already getting tired of typing. Hold on, I'm going to start over my song. Okay, sorry. I honestly don't know exactly what it is that I am supposed to be doing in this assignment. I don't believe I ever have actually had an assignment to just type on what goes through my head. I always have a lot of crap going through my head. I am ADD positive. pretty bad actually. And it affects what I think about every day. I wonder if it will every go away. Is that even possible? I wonder if my professor even knows who I am. Doubt it. Man that sucks. I always stress about whether my teachers know who I am because I think that is awesome if you are on a first name basis. Hmm. What should I do to make him know me? Perhaps I should make a big scene in class. But I don't want all of my class mates to think I'm like a major loser. Okay now I am beginning to wonder if I should just like leave this thing going while I go get something to eat. I don't know if that would be allowed, but it is quite tempting. Man, you know what sucks? On Friday, I woke up like really freakin' sick and I missed my math class along with my chemistry class, and I missed my quiz in chemistry. Ugh! I wonder what my teacher is going to have to say about that because she like requires doctor's notes and crap for her class. Can we say IMMATURE? Oooooo, I love this song too! Twista: Celebrity Overnight. Aw! It reminds me of my ex-boyfriend. That sucks because he hasn't been too nice to me here lately. Man I could talk all day about him. Doubt the reader of this crappy paper would really enjoy that, but that is now what I am thinking about so I guess get ready. He is so cute. He is so sweet. Besides lately. He always could cheer me up, but we broke up right before I left because he is just now a senior in high school and he didn't want to date when I was living 4 hours away. I must say that is a long distance away from the person that you are dating, but I really do believe I love him. He is so the person for me, and I don't know exactly how to take that. I don't know if I should try to get over him or if I should just keep talking to him and trying to get him to come visit me. Or if I should even tell him that I love him. I am so confused! Urgh! I wish this program could talk back because I would be so happy to receive advice. I thought it was so funny when my psychology teacher. Hold on I totally forgot what I was thinking about. Anyway someone puked in my living room the other night. Yea, it really pissed me off. I wonder why they didn't just go to the freakin' bathroom! It's like. Hey I'm drunk. Oh yea I'm just going to sit here and puke all over my friend's floor and make them clean it up. Damnit, grow up! I want to take a nap so bad. I don't know what is more important, napping or eating. Perhaps I'll get something to eat and then go take a nap. It feels good to get an assignment done. I have to work on chemistry later and I'm honestly thinking I'm going to get some beer to drink before I start on it. Man, why do college people drink so much? I've never gone like a whole week drinking every single night. I feel like I'm going to like die of some liver disease. Haha, that would suck. Okay, I don't like thinking about that. I hope I make a good grade in this class. I'm kind of trying to rely on this class to help my GPA. If I can pull off a 3. 0 then I would totally kick ass. My parents are thinking I'm going to do badly. Hah, I'll show them. Drinking every night and going to class and making good grades. Damn I'm going to blow them away. Oh yea did I mention we don't have a freakin' TV in our room anymore? Yea, it sucks gathering around a freakin' laptop to watch a movie. Yes! I only have like 3 more minutes to type. Okay, now less! I wonder how long my suite mate is going to sleep today. My other suite mate apparently didn't even make it home last night. I went to bed with straight hair and woke up with really curly hair. Hmm. Wonder what happened there. I remember waltsing last night. The Australians taught me how to walts and how to do the salsa. It was awesome. until I burned my finger. I suppose that's another story. Okay, I hear someone talking. Yes! My time is almost up. I guess it just like cuts my sentence off when time is up. That sucks. I hate leaving things unfinished. I'm going to stop now because I hate I when I get cut off and I only have a few seconds. Looking foreward to class!!. . . Not really. Sorry. \", ' Oh man I\\'m so hungry. I can\\'t wait for the football game tonight, it\\'s going to be lots of fun. Wow, I think really fast, cause I\\'m so thinking about 3 things at once. Hunger, football, and the giant pre-screening survey thing that I just took. Can you believe that I finished it at 2:54, only 6 minutes left before they stopped accepting them. Man talking about some pressure. Speaking of pressure, I just thought of physics, which is kind of weird since I don\\'t have physics this year. I do have math though. I played cards last time I was in class. We played this crazy Russian game. It was really cool. We tied in the end. ^_^ Wow, ok, so now that I typed ^_^, I thought of anime and forums since I use that on forums all the time, and it\\'s an anime face. And now I\\'m thinking about how I can type without looking at the keyboard. I just moved the mouse, and that reminded me of a real mouse. Man, I make a lot of typos. Of well, did you know that I learned to type too early that I lifted my hands off the keyboard so I could type faster since, I had small hands. And so in I think 10th grade I had to fix myself, and retaught myself 10 finger typing. Cause you see this \"hover hands\" typing caused me to look at the keyboard. The song just changed and it totaly distracted me. Speaking on Song, I met a girl named Helen Song, the first Day of Psycology and she\\'s really cool. I like her a lot as a friend but at the same time I want to ask her out. But you know that my biggest fear (and pretty much the only one) is losing a friend. And so I have trouble asking girls out cause I\\'m afraid after they say no, that they don\\'t want to be friends anymore. Why am I telling you this. Oh well, for all I know you don\\'t read these, or you read them completely. Hehe, you know why do some people type hehe, and other haha. You told us to think about our reactions and our observations. I bet lots of people start talking about what their observing and rather than thinking, pay more attention to their random observation thoughts. I bet that produces a lot of weird data. Me, well I ask a lot of questions, and think really fast. I often find myself daydreaming. ALL THE TIME! hehe. so yeah, wow, hehe sounds like a girl to me. Not to self, refrain from saying hehe. I glanced at the clock for the first time. I wonder is that means that I\\'m finally bored after 8:30 minutes. But as I keep typing, huh, I thinking more about the actual act of typing. I just looked at the title, \"Stream of Consciousness of Writing\" but now the music changed to a good song so I\\'m distracted from that last thought. This song is good. It\\'s techno. I know that I listed to it cause it matches my lifestyle, fastpassed? wow, I can\\'t spell. So yeah, my SAT score was 580 reading and 780 math. That\\'s just a little weighed don\\'t you think ^_^. There it is again. I just though of the entire universe and big guns, and planets and spaceships, this is going by way faster than I can type, but trust me that I\\'m having a ball here. Soccer, now that I haven\\'t played in a while, and I just started playing tennis. That was tiring, but I want to work to be the best. StarCraft, and my daydream story just came into my mind. You see in order to pass the time I come up with a story and slowly play it out in my head with extreme detail. A single day dream could take up to month to complete, as I start and stop it when neccissary. Man, I\\'m getting excited about football. You know I\\'ve never seen a whole football game before. I\\'m sweating, maybe I should go turn down the AC, neh, that\\'s my mom\\'s domain, and well I don\\'t want to stop typing. What only 6 minutes left, Well I suppose that means 75% of the time has passed. I wonder why I converted this into a percentage. That\\'s really weird you know. Talk, that\\'s what my phone said, cause it didn\\'t ring, huh, strange, why would I type that. I think that means I\\'m focussing too much on typing and not enough on other events, although I suppose it really doesn\\'t matter does it. But as I progress I think more and more about my typing. So do you know javascript, did you create that timer, or did you \\'steal\\' the code for it, and use it on you site. I hadn\\'t noticed this song was annoying till now. I normally listen to music when on my computer, you know like browsing the web, or photoshoping (digital image creation). The only times I don\\'t have it on is when I watch anime, or play a game. Speaking of anime, I just finished watching wow ok like 5 titles flashed through my head. Hellsing, that was the last one I watched. You know I like anime much better than TV cause they can create a long drawn out plot which is infinitly better than a single 30 minute plot. It\\'s like watching a book rather than reading one. Reading, the last thing I read was a StarCraft book, yeah it came from the game. That\\'s sad I know, but I just couldn\\'t focus on Lord of the Rings you know. I wonder how much other people type, I mean, am I a fast typer. The amount they turn in has to be due to the typing speed and not the thought speed let me tell you, cause we think incredibly fast. ', 'You know, being in a relationship is great. And I absolutely LOVE College. But I have discovered that it is REALLY hard to put the two of them together. I mean, Jason and I have been together for about 8 ¸ monthssmall on the grand scale of things, I know, but it seems like an eternity. In fact, I find it very hard to remember what my lifestyle was like before Jason. He is, after all, my first real serious relationship. And I don\\'t know. I mean, yeah, he is my first relationship, and yeah, it is a relationship from high school, but it is so damn HARD to keep what we have in college. I love him. I mean really love him. He says that he isn\\'t sure if what he feels is love. I think that if you\\'re in love, then you KNOW. So that means that he probably doesn\\'t love me. We\\'re lopsided. So that kind of sucks, but I deal with it, you know? I mean, sometimes it gets me down because when I say, \"I love you\" I don\\'t hear one back. So, I get depressed. But he assures me that what he does feel is as real as it gets and I guess that\\'s enough to suffice. Maybe sometimes I feel like I just have enough love for the two of us, but other times I become really doubting. Maybe I don\\'t love him either. I mean, maybe he\\'s righthow do you know what love really is? How do we know that love even really exists? How do we know? I mean, yeah, there are songs, books, and not to mention millions of people that attest to its veracity. But how do I know that it\\'s not just a really big \"like. \"? I mean, maybe that\\'s all I have for Jasona really big like. That makes me think. Because, if it is just a really big like, then where did all of this \"love\" stuff come from? Do I say that I love him because it\\'s my first real relationship and I just don\\'t really know any better? Am I really just enamored with him because he was my first? Is the fact that I\\'m questioning it at all mean that it isn\\'t real love? Don\\'t they say that if you have to question love, then it isn\\'t really love? I mean, I know that I would do anything for this boy. And I mean anything. I know that I wake up in the morning and I can\\'t wait to be with him, to see him, to touch him, to smell him, to make him smile, to make him laugh, to hear his voice. I know that when I\\'m not with him, I am wondering where he is or what he\\'s doing or wondering if he\\'s wondering about me. But, it\\'s like deep down, I know that he\\'s not. He doesn\\'t feel about me the way that I feel about him. And because he says that he likes me a lot, and he\\'s not sure if it\\'s love or not. since I like him more, that makes me think that what I feel must be love because it\\'s on a higher level than that of which he feels. Logical, right? I didn\\'t think so either. I guess I\\'m just confused. Most guys aren\\'t as confusing as Jason. Actually, for the most part, he\\'s a pretty straightforward kind of guy. But he holds his feelings in and masks themit is really hard to read him. I mean, I\\'m always wondering \"ok, he says he\\'s fine. but does that mean that he\\'s really ok, or does that mean that he\\'s still upset but doesn\\'t want to tell me?\" I mean I secondguess myself all of the time with him. I have a really low selfesteem when I\\'m around guys. I\\'m tall, so I always think that guys don\\'t want to be around methat they would rather be with a shorter, cuter girl. I mean, Jason is in a frat and he doesn\\'t want me to go to parties with him. That REALLY hurts my feelings. I feel like it\\'s because of a lot of reasons, but the main one being that I\\'m not pretty enough for him to \"show me\" to his brothers or whatever. Also, because he wants to not be attached to anyone at a party so that he can hook up with other girls for one night standssomething that he tells me he\\'s done before. That really bothers me. He tells me that he\\'s cheated on all of his girlfriends beforeso how do I know that he\\'s not going to cheat on me, too? What assurances do I have???? How can I trust him? Especially when I know that he\\'s done it before? How do I know he won\\'t do it again? Monica tells me \"once a cheater, always a cheater. \" Is she right? Should I not trust him? Do I have a choice? ', 'How do you know when you can really know what another person feels. How do I learn to trust what people say to me. It\\'s hard for me to be in a relationship when I can\\'t see that person everyday. I know that I am the kind of person that would never want to cause any pain, yet I see people who are in relationships for such wrong reasons. My friend was telling me that she is dating this guy yet already has plans on leaving him for something better. I don\\'t understand why people can be so selfish to where they don\\'t think of other peoples feelings. I am in a very intense relationship right now. I love my boyfriend with all my heart. Having a long distance relationship is very hard to deal with when you are the type of person who needs that comfort of a companion. I know how I feel for him and I think I know what he feels for me to, yet in a world where people can be so deceitful, I find it still possible that I can be the one being used in a relationship. I guess you must do what your heart tells you to because love is a risk. I believe it is worth taking. When you love someone, you have this vulnerable feeling towards them. I don\\'t want to walk blindly into a relationship, being overwhelmed by the feeling of love but I would want to see how the flow goes. I want to learn how to be a good companion. I hope someday to make a really good wife. I find it important to marry your best friend. I can\\'t wait until I figure out what life has in store for me. I want to do so many things and right now I feel so limited. I just hope that no matter what happens with my relationship now I can keep a friendship. I believe that the first love of your life will never die, and true love lives in you forever. I can never imagine not loving him anymore. I don\\'t want to be person that is dependent on someone else but I do think that it is good to have someone to run to when things do always go right. Sometimes I feel like I don\\'t know what to say when he runs to me with difficulties in his life. He always seems to know what to say to make me smile. When he told me about his cousin in the hospital and how he figured the funeral would be coming soon, I had no idea what to say. I didn\\'t know what to tell him other than the only thing we can do is pray for him. I believe that that is all we have when we come to situations like that. I just wish I could talk to him and be able to be more comforting. I have to feel like I am bringing him a sense of comfort in this relationship. I love him so much and I don\\'t want him to suffer any pain. It is just so hard not being able to physically be there for him because just the comfort of having someone at your side, can help you get through rough times. When I do see him I will hopefully know what to say when that moment comes. I find that ever chance that we do get to see each other I try to absorb the feeling of his presence. I try to remember his scent and the way his lips feel against mine. It\\'s so hard to let go of him. I just want to try to treasure that moment so that it can get me through another week. I miss hearing his voice even though we talked just a day ago. So how do I do this going maybe four years of living in another city. My life right now is perfectly the way that I have always planned and dreamed, except for living away from him. I know that I am not in a place to compromise. I can\\'t compromise my education. I have always dreamed of going to this university and now that I am here, I wouldn\\'t dream of letting this go. Yet my problem is that I don\\'t know that I could ask him to give up what he is doing, because I love him and I know that he loves what he does. Yes, it is possible that he could move to Austin, considering there are jobs available to him, but I wouldn\\'t want him to make that decision because of me. I would want him to have more than me to move. So we just seem to take it day by day, but I can\\'t help but ask \"Where are we going to be next semester, next year or after I graduate?\" my question must wait until the time happens. I have to just learn to have patience and see where destiny takes me. I will become stronger through all of this. I hope to learn selfconfidence and to be more dependent. I know that I have many good things to bring out to people and someday I will know who the person is that deserves my love and affection. Maybe I know it now but in time I will find out whether I am right or not ', \"I hate the guy next door to me He is so fricking annoying. Gosh I want to kill him. His music is blasting so loud right now and I can't even think and he's just talking away and I want to go to sleep and take a nap I think I only got like a couple of hours of sleep last night so I'm tired and I didn't get to eat breakfast My bed makes all these squeaky noises when I sleep and it's really annoying and my pillows keep following off the bed I don't like my green book sack it's not that pretty I think it looks ugly I'd rather have my red Gap book sack People at UT don't seem to care about clothes but maybe Asians care about clothes Hmmm Enok seems really soft but hard, he's like a tough guy but not and I'm ugh what's wrong with that boy. Man it just seems like all he ever does is play on his stupid computer and he's getting mean now. He was really mean when I asked him about the fire drill the other day because he's probably fake like that like Paul Gosh Paul annoys the crap out of me I hope he doesn't come to UT because that would just be horrible. But knowing my luck he's going to come to UT and that would just be great Kenny's a pretty good roommate but I think he might be getting annoyed with me or something because I sleep later than he does and I think I talk more than he does something is wrong with him too because he never talks now I look at him differently for some strange reason and I want to be a bad kid again rather than the 'good' Christian boy I used to be I want a tattoo and I want some piercings hmmm that would be cool and my classes are okay but I have this guilty feeing and I don't know why I don't know if my friends here are true or not, maybe it's better if I just keep to myself more because I have this bad feeling that I haven't really met someone that's truly there you know I mean Debra is nice and all but still I think she might be fake and Sing just uses me he looks like a damn alien it's so gross ahhh I have to wash my face in a few seconds after I'm done with this because I think I'm getting acne again and that would just be horrible I though asians weren't supposed to get acne. My god the guy next door finally turned off his music thank god! \", \"right now I feel like I'm kind of pressured to do this thing right because it's my first assignment for the class and I don't want to mess up. I hate that feeling where you think your doing something right but when you turn in the assignment in to the teacher they say that you did the assignment wrong. especially when you ask the teacher how long an assignment/paper suppose to be and they say they don't care but when you turn it in they tell you it's too short . well anyway I guess I'm getting off topic . I tend to do that a lot sometimes . Right now I'm feeling a bit hungry cause I only ate a small bit of food for breakfast (at 1:00pm that is ). Yes I feel very well rested too cause I slept till noon. speaking of food it reminds of this lady who works in the cafeteria at the place I'm staying at. I don't like her very much because she said something about me in front of my face to another worker in Spanish. she assumed that I didn't understand what I said but let me tell you---I didn't take five years of Spanish and not learn to understand the language. also I didn't work with Hispanic people and not learn how to pick up a few words here and there. so what really pissed me off was not what she said (which really wasn't that offensive at all) but the fact that she would say it in a language she thought I wouldn't understand and more importantly she did it while I was still there. oh here I go about things in the past. I know I should just learn to let little things like that go but I can harbor a lot of my emotions for a long time, but they do eventually go away. besides I'm glad that I can know whether or not what I feel is justifiable. never mind forget what I just said it doesn't make any sense. it's hard to explain. you know I wish I could type as fast as I think cause by the time I finish this sentence I've already thought up of something else. I think my mind thinks too fast I feel old. I've noticed that recently I've begun forgetting a lot of stuff. not important stuff but miniscule little information that I would normally remember . usually I could remember a lot of pointless things but now it takes a little while for me to. wow I wish I could write papers like this because the time just flies by. you know what I don't think I stuck with the topic. I mean it is kind of vague . I mean chances are if someone is sitting in front of a computer and you ask them to write about their feelings at that instant they're probably going to be a little apathetic at that moment unless your referring to what they've been feeling like through the date because if that is the case I guess I can elaborate. so far I've been kind of tense , worried that this assignment might be too boring to take the time to write I mean it is twenty minutes but I guess twenty minutes is too much. Also I was worried that the computer lab might be too full but it wasn't and then I was worried that I might be able to connect to the site because I was afraid that the site might be down (I've heard horror stories about it). I guess I worry too much but I consider more of an asset to my life more than a hindrance because the fear makes think of all the things that can go wrong so I plan ahead of time and think of the alternatives. I wish I could say the same of my little sister but it seems like he never thinks ahead and about the consequences of her actions oh well times about up now my only fear is that the submit button will work properly. \", 'This is very odd trying to track my thoughts by doing this. All I can think of right now is I can\\'t type as fast as I think. I am slow at typing in general but this makes it even harder. So lets see what do we talk about. Today I have a long day cause I have four classes and I don\\'t get home until late. Mondays and Wednesdays are my longest days. Anyways, this weekend my goal is to be caught up with all my reading and all the things I have to do for my classes. I have been enjoying college so far but I don\\'t like the work aspect of it. There is just so much reading and constant memorizing and remembering it. It wasn\\'t like this in high school but then again I am not in high school anymore. Let\\'s see what else. My roommate spelled rice all over our room carpet just a minute go and now the room smells like Chinese food. She cleaned it all up but now the rug is greasy. So after I finish typing I will clean the carpet so it\\'s not so greasy anymore. I am looking at the clock and I only have been typing for 5 minutes. I am tired already of this. I am looking at my little cousins\\' pictures right and I miss them very much. It\\'s lonely here in college but I am working on having fun. But there doesn\\'t seem like a whole lot to do that doesn\\'t involve alcohol in some way. Everyone seems to just want to get junk and pass out and not even remember what they did the night before. I am not much of a drinker and certainly not to the point of getting junk and passing out. I like to just go out with friends and hang out and talk like we used to, but most of my friends are so spread out that we have to do the email thing for now. I like email because its\\' just wonderful. There are no long distance charges and you can send it in a second to anyone anywhere in the world. Oneday people are going to not be able to remember their lives before email. I don\\'t even think they can now. I still can because I was just a freshman in high school when it first started getting popular. But I still like the days when we were not so technology driven. I like the later 80\\'s and early 90\\'s. Though I am not that old I can still remember those times where things didn\\'t seem to be so fast paced. And now everyone is trying to be millionaire and wanting more and more of material things and just wanting to have a \"good time\" and not really caring in depth about things and people. Its just use and get ride of the next day. But then again there are other people who don\\'t do this. I don\\'t know. Now I am looking at the clock and seeing that I have been typing for fifteen minutes now and my fingers are getting really tired. I am glad I ate before I did this cause then I really would have been annoyed with this. Looks like it\\'s going to be another hot day. I want it to cool down but I don\\'t want it to rain when we have to go to class. It can rain on the weekend but not while we have to go to class cause that would cause more headaches. Anyways, I just want to be home right now. I want to be in my car and drive to the mall or just whatever. I miss being at home and I didn\\'t get much of a summer this summer cause I was so busy preparing for college and making a list of things to buy and packing, and going and being in camp and just lots of stuff that I needed some more time of relaxation and enjoyment. Will I have about one more minutes of typing so I guess this is it. I don\\'t know what I am even saying. Oh there I hit the 20minute mark ok I am going to stop typing now, goodbye. ', 'I hope that it doesn\\'t matter that I do not capitalize anything. I seem to type better and more \"stream of conscious\"-like when I don\\'t have to worry about anything. I like it here at ut. I like how my classes are big. I thought that it was going to be a really big change for me. I went to private school all of my life until right now. my classes were no bigger than 25 people. in fact my psychology class is almost bigger than my entire high school. the hardest part for me so far has been homesickness. I really do like it here. but this whole independence thing is new to me. this week has been a ton better than last week was. I am a little worried about tomorrow because I have two quizzes - one in chemistry and one in medical terminology. they shouldn\\'t be too hard because I\\'ve been studying all week. first tests are always worrisome I think. I am going back home to san antonio tomorrow. I can\\'t wait to see my dad. he has been in la for a week or so and I haven\\'t seen him or talked to him. when I think of my dad I always think of this past summer because we would always watch the atlanta braves games and espn baseball tonight together. I have always been a big baseball fan. I never wanted to play softball or baseball, I just really like to watch it. I have realized that watching baseball with my dad at night was how we bonded. he is not a big talker. he is not a very sensitive person either. throughout my life I have never really had anything in common with my father until baseball. I guess the biggest thing has also been me coming to ut. he came here and graduated from law school over 20 years ago. he was so proud that I decided to come here. I love to see him happy. my boyfriend is still in san antonio. he doesn\\'t admit that he didn\\'t want for me to like it here. but I know him better than he knows himself. we\\'ve been dating for over three years now. it doesn\\'t seem like that long. I love him. he has tried everything to make me feel better, concerning homesickness that is. he calls me every night and tells me how his day was and then asks me about mine. he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. it\\'s kind of scary though. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. but I am only 18 years old. how do I know for sure that he is the one? I guess it is just another mystery of life. last week when I went back home I went out with my boyfriend on friday night. I didn\\'t think that it was going to affect my mom so much. she was so hurt that I wanted to go out with him and not spend my time with her. it\\'s hard though. being torn between your boyfriend and your family. but I spend all day saturday and sunday with my family. my mom apologized to me about how she acted. I told her that it was hard for me to choose and that I felt torn between the two. she understood and now everything is great. communication is the key to improving and understanding all relationships. that is what I think anyways. well my twenty minutes are up. I have to go meet my roommate and then we are going to go eat. until the next writing assignment. ', \"Right now I'm sitting in the computer lab at my dorm. I'm really bored and really want to get this writing assignment out of the way. The direction say that I should type for 20 minutes. I have 18 minutes to go. I'm a really slow typist. I was just watching TV with my roommate and then I came down here to check my e-mail. My dad sent me a really sweet message. I really miss him but I'm really not homesick. I'm having a lot of fun up here at school and meeting a lot of new people. I really like all of my classes. Okay, fifteen minutes to go. My ankle really hurts because I sprained it. There were some girls in here that would not shut up and they were really getting on my nerves. One of them just hit my chair as she was leaving and didn't even apology. The letter after y on this key board will not work. Okay, I'm supposed to be living in a really nice dorm and this computer won't even work right. Oh well. I fell really bad for my roommate because she and her mom got in a fight tonight and she was crying when I came home and stuff. She really is a nice person and we get along really well. Only 11 more minutes to go. Well, I'm really excited about the football game this weekend. My friends went and got tickets for me and my roommate to sit with them. We are on the fifty yard line on the first row. I can't wait. My parents are leaving for Maine in about two weeks. They have a huge trip planned to New York, Washington, Maine, Boston, and somewhere else. I'm really excited for them. They need some time to get away. My dad really works too hard so this will be a time for them to relax and have some fun. They just celebrated their twenty-seventh anniversary. I think that is really cool and I admire them for being so happily married for so long. My roommate just came in to check her e-mail. I wonder if she has any. She is now e-mailing one of her friends. I wonder if Keith will call me back tonight. I hope that he is not too mad at me. I guess I find out soon enough. I had so much fun this past weekend. I spent the weekend with my four friends that have an apartment here in Austin. My roommate went home for the weekend so I just hung out with them. We had a BBQ one night and watched movies and went swimming and laid in the hot tub and just relaxed. It was so much fun. I think that I'll spend this weekend with them again. Gabe kissed me this past weekend and I really don't know what to think. He calls me a lot now to check on me and to make sure I get home okay and to see what I'm doing and stuff. We've been friends for a long time so I really don't know what to think. Well, my twenty minutes if officially up, so see ya later. \", \"What am I thinking of right now? I am thinking of how different my life now is. it is hard to believe that almost 3 weeks ago I left the city to which I have known as home my entire life <houston> and moved to austin by myself, with really no friends, no family and no place to really call home here. But everyone loves austin, right, and I am really lucky to be here, right? I don't know but all I know is that I hope I made the right choice, my parents and friends, and family members really miss me and I miss them as well. I just really feel so lonely up here, I mean all I really do is study and watch television, not really being very social with that many people. And the weird thing is I am a very social person-- I mean in houston I had I think seven very clost friends, and now I have probably five okay friends that live in the same city as me, and who am I talking to when I am on the phone--my friends from houston, NOT austin. I think I am just in a period of adjustment right now, or at least I think and hope that I am. please do not let my college experience turn into this--my worst dream. why is it so hard for me to move on and make new best friends, it is not like I would forget about my friends from houston, I could be close to both sets of friends, and why is it that no people are out of there way friendly here, is it me? no it cannot be me, that is what I always seem to tell myself, that it is not me. Gosh, I feel like I am having a conversation with myself right now, or that this an entry in my diary or journal or something! But this is truly how I feel at this very moment in time---scared, alone, and wishing that I were somewhere else. I am really not trying to whine or anything, but how am I supposed to feel? I am alone in a city, with nobody close, with whom I can communicate with. And these are supposed to be the best years of our lives, right? Just checking because I plan to hold whoever first said it on that. Other than that, everything is going great, I am keeping up with my classwork, studying every night, with no disturbances. WHY? because I have no friends up here, I realize that I am complaining an awful lot and really exaggerating when I say I have no friends. But like I said earlier: I am a very social person, and when I do not have caring people around me, I feel left out. And that just about ends the twenty minutes, I guess it's on to the next one---and Yes, it does feel good to get this out in the open. \", 'I’m sitting at the computer. I just got done working out. my arms and chest are sore. The pain is good though. I want to go out. I want to start playing golf again but it is too expensive golf is fun but I like to go out partying but its expensive my girlfriend is bothering me oh well I like it my friend is talking about a boat it makes it harder to write but it is ok because I’m using his computer I want to play lacrosse but it is very rough I don’t understand how they play but don’t hurt themselves badly ya know well anyway I feel like running oh not really it is weird how my mind says stupid things that make no sense I think I will go to the steamboat and watch those two girls play again this will be their last time to ever play like it is a monumental breakup or something but hey what if one of them becomes good maybe I will be able to say yo man I saw them play live. noway bro yea. cool They are pretty good I cant believe e I ever liked country music because it is all so fake I mean nobody writes there songs they don’t do anything but sing and look pretty especially the women. if you are ugly it is nearly impossible to be a country singer. unless you are Leann Rimes then you can tell every one that you are 14 and that’s ok because instead of the rednecks saying damn she’s got a nice ass I guess they could say she’s only 14 and that makes them happy. but if you think that ugly women is 14 you are sadly mistaken she’s back ok well I sure miss my Jim Roam I liked that show but it is on the air in Austin oh well Austin is cool anyway even if there is no damn parking. I miss the old days of just driving around town and then thinking to myself I go there and hey what do you know there is a parking spot or even a whole lot of parking spots. yea but then I would have to live in my boring ass town where there is nothing to do at all I mean take tonight for example I’m going to watch a band play in pearland I would be sleeping but here I’m going to start drinking a couple minutes in fact I will start drinking now oh no there is a man possessed by alcohol on the computer you must stop him he could easily kill some innocent family of 4 walking along and that would be very very unfortunate. ok whatever I’m crazy no not really so I am just about done here according to the little clock in the bottom of the screen in the bottom of the screen cool I’m going to party I quit bye ', \" Im sitting in my room at the towers, and I have to admitt that the room size isnt half bad, ecspecially compared to my older sisters dorm room when she was a freshman. However I do have one complaint, and that is that the room are not taken care of in the least bit. And if I had to approximate the last time this place was renovated, my honest guess would be nineteen ninety-one. Yet I can live with a rather filthy room, but the worst part about living in the Towers has to be the food. The cooks here should go down in the Guiness Book of World Records for being the first people ever to make chicken taste bad. And everytime I go in there i seem to be asking the cook what exactly the food sitting in front of me is. Which through my experience translates into something that is not a good thing. As I look around my room I can't help but notice the fact that my side is far more messy than my roomates, but to be honest this is no concern of mine. Because he eats all of my food. I went pot luck in the towers for my roomates, which means that my rooming assignment is totally random. I havent really decided what my true feelings about my new roomates are due to the fact that we havent really spent time together. This fact is more my fault than it is theirs', because for one thing I am in pledgeship right now so finding time to spend with people is like finding a needle in a haystack. But every once in a while I do get to spend a little time with them, and from those few experiences I can say that Tony, the guy with whom I share a room with, is a very nice person and I believe that we will get along very well. So far the one thing that has kind of tied us together is that fact that we have the same taste in music, which is a major relief to me. My other two roomates who live across the living room from me are both going through pledge ship. And Campbell has been really nice as well, though he seems rather reserved. Yet the one guy that I am not to fond of at this time is my third roomate Joey. Its not that there is hostility between us its just that I try to be as nice as possible to him and try to start conversations with him every time I get yet he just won't seem to respond. Maybe its just a difference in the way we were brought up or something. Because I know when I was in high school this new guy moved in from Chicago and he really kept to himself along with his parents. But the more time I spent with him the more he opened up and now we are really good friends. But the funny thing is that all of the football parents thought that his parents were rud because they didnt really talk a whole lot. And i had to remind my mom that thats how people are in Chicago, and just to give them time because they are really good people. \", 'Right now, as I am writing this paper, I am thinking that I have a lot reading to do this coming up weekend for the following week\\'s classes. I have a pounding headache, which I believe I got while walking to and from my Spanish class because I forgot my sunglasses in my dorm room. Otherwise, I am looking forward to this weekend. Tonight my boyfriend and I are probably going to sixth street for a little while and tomorrow we are going to the Texas vs. Louisiana football game, the first game of the season. I\\'m really excited about the football game, but I hope it\\'s not too hot (although I\\'m sure it will be). My boyfriend\\'s parents are also coming in for the game and they are taking us out to eat for dinner. I\\'ll be glad to have a break from the repetitive dorm cafeteria food. On Sunday, I\\'m meeting my friends who goes to Southwest and we are going to Schlitterbahn water park. I\\'m having a hard time writing this because my head really hurts. I took two Aleves, but I suppose they have not kicked in yet. While I do my homework I always have to have some kind of noise, whether it be music, television, or a fan, to be able to concentrate on what I am doing. When it is completely silent my mind seems to wander from what I am writing or reading and I end up thinking about something completely different, then looking back at the paragraph I just read and asking myself \"what did I just read?\" I hate when I do that because I feel like I just wasted 10 minutes of my time and I don\\'t even know what I was doing while wasting. I don\\'t know. That probably didn\\'t make much sense at all. At the moment, my fan is on, my radio is playing, and my roommate is talking to her mom on the telephone, so there is plenty, almost too much, noise going on around me. I really am enjoying this assignment because it just puts everything that you think about for 20 minutes onto a piece of paper. When I look at it I think that I must be a slow typist because I thought I think about a lot more things in 20 minutes than this. It has now been 20 minutes so I am ending my paper and trying to think of a good way to end it but it is not coming to me at the moment. ', \"I am thinking back to when in class you were talking about sitting in front of the computer and wondering what to write about. I wonder what my roommate is saying ?hmmm? for. she may think it is weird that I am writing about her if she reads this. I like rice krispie treats. I just had one. I went to the vegas getaway for the business school; it was fun. my face is itching. my nose, then my neck. I really like what I've done with my hair today, but too bad it took longer than I had expected it to take. my roommate, erika, is leaving. she is going to go get something to eat. now my back is itching. I wonder why, when you itch, simply rubbing on the itching spot doesn't make the itch go away. you have to scratch it instead. wouldn't it be easier if we just didn't itch at all? I mean, what's the point of itching anyway? I guess it just makes the experience of life all the more interesting. also why is it that when you start to itch, you suddenly itch everywhere. kind of like when someone yawns and you see it, it makes you have to yawn too, even if you're not sleepy. I'm spending an awful lot of time thinking about itching. I want to take a speed reading class at the UTLC. maybe it will help me in the future. but will I begin to speed-read everything if I take the course?. I like listening to music. I guess most people do really. my nose itches again. I'm glad it got cooler in this dorm room. last week it was SO hot. I had to sleep on top of my blanket. the good thing is that it therefore provided more padding on these rock-hard beds. I really like the movie Chicago. it's so theatrical. speaking of which, I think my sister had auditions for the high school's fall play today. I wonder how she thinks she did. I hope that she gets a part, even if it's a small one. I'm looking forward to seeing the fall production. maybe they'll make it to state OAP this year. I miss being in theatre. I would like to join a theatre club, but I'm not sure I have time for the rehearsal commitment. plays are a lot of work. I really like this writing assignment you all have devised for us. it's interesting and even kind of fun. I like the box I have on my shelf. it's orange and gold, with a leaf pattern. thank goodness I only have 2 classes tomorrow. today was nonstop; 4 classes with only a 30 minute break. I had a bagel for breakfast. I wonder how early the bagel guy has to get up in order to go to his little stand and be open in time for 8 o'clock classes. I wonder if he likes his job?. he would get to meet and see a lot of people every day; that, I'm sure, is a perk or he would not be living in Austin, or any big city. I'm from a small town. austin still continues to wow me with the massive number of people on campus and on the streets. oh good I get to put my pennant that I bought today up on my board in about 5 minutes. it cost $7. one about 1/3 of the size cost $6. they're probably betting on the idea that people will not check the price of both pennants and simply buy the smaller one, thinking it will cost much less. I had economics today. I think I'm beginning already to think more about the economy. at least I hope so, because if I am, that means I'll do better on the tests. there is a study session tomorrow night that I'll be attending. I need to go running later. I'm really glad that the gym is so close by. in my hometown, you had to drive 35-45 minutes just to get to a gym. so it was either waste all that time, or go run on the hard, uneven, gravel-y, county road. gravel-y is not a word but that's okay. I wonder what psychological experiences you all will get by reading these assignments. 5 seconds left. oh okay my time is up but I get to finish my thought. I'm going to go study now. I have to read my psych book for your class tomorrow. \", \" Write now I'm very tired I just got home from Austin. I haven't been getting much sleep lately so I have really been dragging. I'm fixing to eat dinner with my family. I have alot of homework to do tonight including some calculus which is very frustrating. My house is very quiet the only sound in it seems to be me striking on these keys. This is an unusal assignment I have never done anything like this in the past. So far I am enjoying school at Ut it is my first semester and although it is all a little overwhelming I think things are going to work out. I have to comute back and forth everyday that is the only thing that seems to be gettiong old. I went to the UT football game on Saturday I had a great time but, wished that we would have played better in the second half. I love sports I have played them since I was five. I fact this is probaly the first time in my life where I havn't been playing sports. Now the noise in my house starts to raise a little as my brother gets home from tennis practice. He is a good kid I'm glad that he is doing so good in school right now. He tries really hard, and takes things really seriously. I smell my mom making diner. She works in Austin as well and has to commmute just like I do. My mind is drawing a blank now, I'm so tired it's hard to concentrate. I guess I am a little worried about school, I have to make really good grades this semester because I'm trying to transfer into the business school. I have put alot of pressure on myself to do good in school. I get stressed out when I don't understand some of the material in one of my classes. Calculus worries me the most. I have never been that good at math. I'm struggling right now just going through the review. I try really hard in all my classes but I'm worried that won't be good enoegh. Oh well all I can do is my best. My house has grown quiet again much like it usually is. Now I hear my phone ringing but nobody seems to be answering it. I'm looking forward to a warm bed to sleep in tonight. I have to wake up early to go to work though. I enjoy work at least it breaks up the monotony of being in school all day. Well my time was just up so. \"]\n"
     ]
    }
   ],
   "source": [
    "print(valid_texts1)"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 42,
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [
    {
     "name": "stdout",
     "output_type": "stream",
     "text": [
      "247\n"
     ]
    }
   ],
   "source": [
    "print(len(valid_texts1))"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 44,
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [
    {
     "name": "stdout",
     "output_type": "stream",
     "text": [
      "I really wish that I could get on to the psychology pretesting page to get it over with but I've tried three times and it won't let me on. It's really driving me crazy. I feel like I have so much stuff that I need to get done right know, but if I space it out I can get it done. I need to learn to manage my time a little better. It was easy to do everything at the last minute in high school, but I'm in college know and I need to keep up with my assignments. I'm sure other people are feeling the same as me. If I could get everything done in one day I would feel so relieved, but I have to much to do in one day. My two other friends, live in an apartment, and there so boring. All they do is sit at home all day and watch TV. I wish that they would go and do something, but if I asked them to do something they would probably do it. But, I just haven't asked. I'm still adjusting to moving. I come from a really small town, of about 2600 people, and I am overwhelmed at the amount of people that are here. I don't know where anything is at and I need to get my driver's license renewed, it has been expired for almost 2 months. One of my other friends goes to Southwestern in Georgetown. She says it is really hard and maybe she will transfer to UT next semester or year. That would be great for me, then I would know someone else here at the school. The chairs in the compurter lab are to close together. You can't move without hitting another chair. They need to spread them out. I want to go out one weekend and do something but I don't know very many people here and I don't want to impose on anyone and just ask them if I can tag along. They probably would'nt mind. I think I am going to go home this weekend. My mom really gets on my nerves, or she did this past weekend. I think it was because I was really tired. I really don't like going home because it is really boring and everyone just sits at this store called short stop. What Fun!!!! I would rather sit at home and watch TV. I want to go and get my hair cut and highlighted and start going to a tanning bed but it always feels like I don't have enough time in the day. I know that I really do I just don't go get it done. I am really tired right know. I went to bed really late last night and had to get up early but I can't take a nap because I need to finish my homework that I should have already finished. I also have to do my laundry. This chair is really comfortable though. I could fall asleep just sitting here. I hate paying for the copies that I make. I wish I had my own computer in my dorm room so that I wouldn't have to pay for them at all. It's a pain not having your own computer. I had to leave my at home so that my sister could use it if she needed. My parents said I could bring it but I'm in a supplementary room right now and didn't want to. My mailbox doesn't work and neither does our phone jack. I have two roommated, Megan and Maggie. I am supposed to get a check in the mail but it is not here yet and it was mailed on the 23 of August. but I guess it really doesn't matter since I can't get teh mailbox open yeat. I hope that no one else got my check because that would really suck. I could really use the money being here in Austin there is a lot of stuff I could buy. Especialy with all teh stores around here. I really want some khaki pants without the creases in the front and some capri pants. I'm getting tired of doing this but since I have to do it I have to continue writing. Wait, my bad it has been over 20 minutes. I have been writing to long. About 3 minutes to long so I'll be going know. Bye!! \n"
     ]
    }
   ],
   "source": [
    "print(valid_labels1)"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": null,
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [],
   "source": []
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": null,
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [],
   "source": []
  }
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