NVC Non Violent Communication

Often, the way we communicate is in itself a source of conflict. During our childhood years, we mostly learn the "hyena" language, namely a language that does not invite dialogue, but freezes it. Feeling hurt, we hurt back, and the dialogue is broken.

NVC (non-violent communication) is a communication technique that allows you to tell your truth without the other feeling necessarily assaulted (provided he or she is of good will).

Here are the main lessons to remember from the CNV:

1. Be tough with facts, gentle with people
2. Speak in "I", not in "you".
3. Point at the behaviors, not at the person.
4. Rather than criticize the past, make a demand to improve the future.
5. Avoid definitive words like "never" and "always".

For example, instead of saying:

"So Laurent, I see that you always do your best to escape the meetings! You really take this project over the leg! It's not professional! I want you to really get involved now, and attend the meeting "

try:

"I sent an invitation for the next project meeting to all members of the team and I saw that you refused this invitation. [= fact]
I am disappointed and worried because the contributions you make in meeting are precious for the progress of the project, and I need to be reassured that this project will lead to the expected result by the client, within the deadlines. [= express your need]
Can you tell me what prevents you from attending the meeting? [= formulate a demand]"

Protocol?

It is sometimes easier to remember the NVC approach in the form of a protocol. When you are upset, annoyed, pissed off, sad, etc:

1. When I see, hear, notice, remember, imagine...
2. I feel...
3. Because I need...
4. And I wish that you....

More info on NVC: NVC on Wikipedia.